Solo Dating with Ravan Jackson

Hey, girl. Welcome to the get yout Guy coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week you'll hear actionable advice, tips, and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively, and understanding men so that you can, you guessed it, get your guy. Are you ready to level up your love life? All right, let's go.

I never felt the way I do without anyone but you.

Hello, my loves, and thank you so much for joining the get your Guide coaching podcast. I have a very special guest with me today. Her name is Raven Jackson, and I'm going to have her introduce herself and what she does. But I just want to let you all know that I found her on TikTok, and she was talking about something that I've never talked about on this podcast. So I was like, I need to talk to her. I need to bring her onto this podcast, and we need to talk all about solo dating. So, Raven girl, thank you so much for being here. And just introduce yourself to the listeners and let them know who the hell you are.

Of course. Hi, everyone. My name is Raven. I go by Ray. I'm 25 years old, and like you said, I do have a platform on TikTok. And through my platform, I encourage all the girlies to love on themselves. Because if we don't love ourselves, who's going to do it?

That's right. I love it, I love it, I love it. So you had a viral post about solo dating, and I was like, we need to talk about this. And the reason why I say this is because, you know, for my clients that maybe don't have or are not going on dates two or three weeks, one of the things that I'm telling them is like, okay, it's time for a solo date, girl. It's time for a solo day. So let's get into this solo date thing. So I know that that was something that you were doing for a while. So why did you start getting into your solo dating bag?

Yeah. So, I mean, it started off from heartbreak, of course, and just kind of going through that. I knew that I wanted to do something different. Me, a couple years ago, if I break up with someone, okay, the next one is coming. I have my next boyfriend. And I'm like, I've done that for years. And I sat and thought, like, do I know who Raven is outside of being a girlfriend? And then I also realized the things that, you know, my exes were doing they seemed so big because I never gave myself exactly what I wanted. And so I'm like, you know what? Moving forward, whenever I am ready to date, I want to set the standard for myself. What do I want in a partner? What do I want my partner to do that I can do for myself right now? So that way, when I am ready to date, if you're not doing for me what I'm already doing for me, I'm not wasting my time.

It's a wrap.

Yes. So almost a layer of protection for my future self, I would say.

I love that. One of the things that I always encourage women to do is to treat themselves every week. And it's the same concept, right? It's like we have to be in the. In the habit, in the pattern of receiving these things. Not because we've done this amazing project at work or we worked out every day just because we are who we are. We don't have to do something to get these things because that's a reward, that's not a treat. And so I just. I'm so aligned with what you're saying because I think it's so important not just to kind of practice being in our feminine energy and receiving and accepting and allowing, but also because we deserve it.

Absolutely. Absolutely, we deserve it.

Okay, so you got into this because of a heartbreak, but why do you think other people should get into it?

I feel like prior to a relationship, I didn't know who I was. And I feel like going into a relationship not knowing who you are can cause a lot of confusion if that relationship ends. And so again, if you don't know how to good it feels to be treated, you're going to accept the bare minimum. So, for instance, my first college boyfriend never took me anywhere. Second college boyfriend, we go on dates. And I'm thinking, that is huge. That should be the bare minimum.

Right?

So again, coming to myself, it's just like, okay, what can I do for myself that makes me feel good so I don't have to be dependent on other people making me feel good, you know? So I always tell the girls, like, go based on your love languages. So personally, I know mine is active service. I can service myself or I can go to a service provider just to feel that same exact thing that I would want from a partner.

Yeah, I love that. I love that. Okay, so what you're telling the girls are, okay, you know what your love languages are. So do those things that are aligned with your love language. So you gave the example of acts of service. So if it's a gift, then we should be getting ourselves gifts. We should be going to Fifth Avenue or whatever. Wherever you are. Yeah, Rodeo or that mall that you like to go to. Or online.

Because yes, online shopping, you already know. But my, with gifts giving, I would say to be intentional with it because my coping mechanism prior to like dating myself was okay, I'm just going to spend money because I feel good instantly. So if you're intentional with it, it's not going to always be a good thing or it'll just be gratification just for that moment. And then.

So how do we know if we're just like doing the gratification thing or if we're being intentional about it?

Yeah. So for instance, oh my goodness, I'm thinking about the past. I'm sad. Let me go ahead and get this thing from Ulta. Oh, I feel good. It delivers and I don't want to use it anymore. It doesn't matter. But when you think about your wholeness, who you are, you know what? I'm giving myself something because of who I am, not because of what I'm feeling right now.

Yes. Okay, so this is, this isn't like feeling based what you're saying, like, don't do it when you're feeling shitty.

Right. I mean, of course treat yourself when you feel good, but if you, you know, of course only buy things or treat yourself because you feel sad, it's not going to really benefit you.

Yeah.

So what did you do today that made you feel good? Did you say an affirmation? Did you not cut somebody out when you were driving down the road today? Like you said, it's going to be a reward. But don't go based on those feelings when you're feeling low. Because in my opinion, if you get into a relationship and you're feeling low, you're going to accept that gift from that person as you do for your.

I love that. Okay, so we talked about acts of service, we talked about guests. What about quality time?

People ask me that all the time. If quality time is your love language, then you definitely need to solo date because you're spending time with yourself. And I tell people all the time, if you're an introvert, I get it because I started off in the house. Getting out of the house was a challenge because I am a self proclaimed introvert. But again, it's about being intentional. So if you're doing a solo movie in the house, put your phone away, scroll while you're, you know, like if you were dating somebody, if you're, you know, they said, hey, let's watch a movie. Are you scrolling through your phone while y' all supposed to be spending quality time together? No. So I tell people all the time, do what you want someone to do for you, but for yourself.

That's right. That's right. Okay, so we talked about quality time. What about physical touch, girl?

I just want to tell everybody who's not looking at the video, she had to readjust herself.

Honey, this physical touch is 5% of my love language. I do not like to be touched. And so when they ask me, they're like, you know, physical touch is mine. So what I think about, go get a massage. Go get your hair washed. You know how good it feels to have your scalp massage by somebody else instead of you over the sink, and you're tired of washing your own hair, and then you could really be working out. Like, you're getting, you know, that energy that you would get if someone was touching you. But physical touch is not my thing. So my best idea is massages. Get your pedicure. Go get your hair washed. You know? Yeah, that's all I have for the physical touch, girl.

Okay. And what about words of affirmation, girl?

Oh, that's my second love language. So one of my things in my jar is to actually write a love note to my future self. And another thing that I do that I love is I will record voice notes to myself. And so at the end of every voice note, I always say, this is to your future self. So whether I listen to it a week from now, a month from now, a year from now, it's always some kind of positive note to myself. And it feels good to feel good hearing it by myself compared to relying on someone else to tell me these things or even just talking in the mirror, affirming yourself. I love doing that.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And so I would do. I would do a voice note over the phone. Like, I would just send a text message to myself and do a voice note that way. How do you do it?

I go to my voicemail app and then, like, I'll record it and I'll put a title. And some days when I'm feeling down, I'm like, you know what? How can I feel better and actually make progress compared to, okay, I'm just sad. I'm going to spend money and I'm going to feel okay, and I'll go back and replay those, and I'm just like, not your old self. Sending your current self a message that actually meant something. And Then it feels good, you know, because again, you know what you like to hear, so just say it to yourself.

I love that. I love that. Okay, we're going to get into the solo date thing a little bit more. But before we do, you know, a lot of the girls are just living by themselves, so every day can kind of feel like a solo date. So how do we tell the difference between solo living and solo dating?

Again, it starts with intention. You can go day by day just being by yourself. But what are you trying to achieve outside of your regular goals? What are you trying to achieve within your inner self? You know, because prior to solo dating, I was living a solo life. I. It's just like routine. You know that episode on spongebob or Squidward, like on work, go to work, out, go to the pool, and it starts over every single day. It's a routine, and it gets boring. I feel like that's what the solo life is. You don't really have any intention, but you're just going through the motions, getting day. Getting through day by day.

So it sounds like solo dating is a little. Is outside of the routine. So it's doing something that's not something that you would do normally.

Absolutely. Until it becomes your healthy routine. Because it's my routine now, but it's not the whole square thing. And the reason it's not the repetitive Squidward thing. I tell people all the time, when you're dating somebody and you're a man or your girl is taking you to the same spot, you're gonna get bored. We just went here last week. Like, I want to be surprised. Take me somewhere that I've never been. Take me to something I've never done before. And that's where my actual jar comes into place. I put things in there that I have not before. So that way, when I pull them out, is something new every single time or something I like to do in general.

Not you talking about spongebob, girl. You are showing your age, girl. Where should I your age, girl? I was like, okay, maybe. How would that be for me? Maybe like Groundhog Day. There was a movie called Groundhog Day where he lived the same day over and over and over again. Okay, so you've talked about these jars, girls. I want you to let the girls know what is this jar that you're talking about?

So this jar is basically my solo dating jar. And what I want to go ahead and tell people, you guys do not have to have the same jar that I have. Because a lot of girls are like, where'd you get your dry from? It does not matter what the drawer looks like. So what goes in the jar? I have different color sticky notes. I have a color for a date that require me to spend money. One that won't require me to leave home, one that will require me to leave home, but I don't have to spend any money. And so again, I went based off my love languages. And I also, I wanted to get out of the idea of, oh, you're an introvert. So I put a lot of things in there that required me to be outside of the home, that required me to socialize a little bit. Things that required no money, such as writing the love note, a nice bubble bath. And again, it's just a way to, one, give yourself experiences that you may have not had before. And you don't have to wait on a partner to give you those experiences. And a way to just keep life exciting. Like, I know a lot of people kind of like to plan their days, but why not just kind of be spontaneous and, you know, treat yourself to do something that you've never done before?

Yeah. Okay, so you had a couple of categories. I just would love for you to repeat them. So you're like, one that gets my ass out of the house.

Correct.

Does not make me spend my coins. The other one, that is what you.

Said, that I'll be outside of that house, but I don't have to spend money. So maybe like a walk in the park or go to a lake and kind of relax. Go to the beach.

Okay. And for my snobby girls out there, maybe one of them can be one that is actually a luxurious experience that.

Because I have it there. Like, buy yourself a new perfume Ghost luxury hotel. So again, it doesn't have to be what I do. Personalize it to yourself. But if you're a bougie babe, put things in there that you, you know, want to do. And I tell people all the time, I've had people really upset with me, like, oh, you know, I can't afford to do those things. Do what is in your tax bracket, because there may be someone who can do way more than I can right now. I'm not, you know, upset with her. Do what works for you. If you have to put all free things in your jar, do it until you don't have to anymore, because there's plenty of things for us to do.

Yeah, I love that. But also, girl, do things that also cost money. Right. And the reason I say that is because, you know, as a dating coach, what I see a lot. Is that the same money wounds that we have, we bring to our dating lives. And so we have to get out of the scarcity mindset. We have to be able to understand that, like, just because we grew up poor doesn't mean that we're poor now. Like, every time I know that, like, when I was, when I was, like, working in corporate, like, every time I made a mistake, I just thought, oh, my God, I'm going to get fired. I'm going to be homeless, right? Like, girl, no, I'm probably not going to be homeless. Like, so I say all that to say, like, I want to encourage listeners to also, like, spend money on yourself and know that you're worth it. Because if you're not able to do it for yourself, you can't actually allow. It will be very difficult for you to allow a man to do it and you to feel good about it.

Yes. And the money will come back. And that's kind of a good mindset and a bad mindset. That's who you are. But the money will come back. And like, again, the joy, the lasting joy that I feel from my dates compared to again, if I'm trying to, you know, console myself with buying something, I. I love my dates. And I can say that's a memory that I have for myself at this point now.

Yeah, I love that. And I also think it just, like, it can make your life a bit more exciting. People just feel like they got boring ass lives and they want to, like, you know, spice it up, girl. So this is a great way to do it. Can you talk to me a little bit about some of these ideas that you have around these kinds of dates? Right. And also, like, how often were you picking out of your jar?

So as far as how often I picked out, I started off trying to do it once every two weeks, so around, like, payday. So I know, okay, I get paid twice a month. Let's try to do it twice a month. Life got busy. So it went down to, like, about once a month. But as far as the frequency, do what you can because there are times where I've skipped a month or two of solidading because life gets busy. And as far as, like, the ideas, I was like, you know what? I want to do things. I feel like a lot of people like to hold off on things that they haven't done for a partner. But, you know, who knows when that partner is coming? And whatever you experience by yourself, it may not be the same with your partner. You may love it even More when your partner comes along. And I kind of wanted to get into, like, DIY things, artsy things. So one of my favorite dates so far was, like, this abstract art place. I had never done abstract art, and I didn't know how enjoyable it was going to be. So as far as date ideas, the one that people should start off with, as far as getting out of the house that I recommend is going to a restaurant by yourself. And people think it is so scary. It's not. Trust me, you will be fine. Like, there's nobody walking past. Like, oh, she by herself. She must be. They don't care, I promise you.

I know, girl. I think people think that we're back in junior high or high school, that everybody's not talking about you, nobody cares about you.

And I want to normalize that. I promise you, they're not eating their calamari thinking about why you're here by yourself, or, oh, she got stood up. And if they are, who cares? Because I tell people all the time, if someone realizes that you're there by yourself, you could be inspiring the next girl to start doing the same thing. Yeah, the first one is going to the restaurant by yourself. If you're uncomfortable with that, go to the movies. Because then, you know, nobody's looking at you at that point. They're looking at the movie. And a solo movie day is so I just love it. I always encourage people to look what's in their area. So, for instance, I have a farmer's market one inside of my jar, and there's a farmer's market like, five minutes away from me every Saturday. Pulled that one yet. But you don't have to pull those to still do those things as well.

I had a rage room. So, like, if you pull that one and you've been stressed out, it's going to relieve everything that you've been going.

And a rage room is like, you just break things all around the place with a hammer, with anything that you got, everything.

And I'm like, I didn't think I would enjoy this. And people love that video. I'm like, yeah, it was very therapeutic. But, you know, if I did not take the effort to date myself, I probably would have never done this. Like, I'm able to do things that I never thought about doing as a result of being intentional and taking myself out.

Yeah, I love that.

Pilates, honestly. Just put things in there that you see other people doing that you want to do or whatever your dream date is. Put that in there. Do it for yourself first.

Yeah, I Love it.

I actually did. I posed this question in my private Facebook community with all of the ladies in it. What was. What's like your dream date, right? Or your teenage girl dream date. And I heard a lot of like going to the beach, going to the county fair just to give some of the girlies some ideas around like what you can do for yourself. Yeah, I love this so much. So what has been your absolute favorite solo date?

It's hard because I will be honest, I don't record all of my dates because I want to be present for myself. The whole point is to be present. But based on the ones that I posted, I think my favorite was the abstract art one and I think that one probably did the most numbers as far as views and as far as that date. Like, you know, I said I proclaim myself to be an introvert, but I don't want to be that way anymore. And I tell people all the time, if you feel like you're that way, go to a place to where you have to talk to whoever is servicing you. So if you're going to a restaurant, you got to talk to the waitress or waiter, make make conversation with them, they have to talk to you. So with my abstract art date, I walked in and my smile was just so big and I'm just like, I'm so excited to be here and I want girls to like that. Same way that you feel excited when your man comes to pick you up or whoever's coming to get you feel that same way when you're on your way to your date. But maybe because it was more hands on and it was more like crafty, I've never really, I've done like the paint sip and paint type things, but that one was different and I made it like I was like, you know what, you're going to talk to the people that are in here. You're not just going to sit there and just, you know, haha, do your.

Day, go home, you can mute in the corner. Don't do that.

I'm like, no, we're gonna talk. And the person who was over it, he just had such great energy and it was just so amazing. And then the fact that I made something so beautiful is what really put it all together for me. The cherry on top.

So love it so much. Yeah, I'm, I, I grew up across the street from the beach, so anytime going to the beach, it's like my thing. So that's like my fav. This is actually something that I did when I was single myself. Would Definitely take myself out on solo dates because sometimes, girl, it's a Mojave out there. It's a desert. And so you. It's important to go out and do it on a regular basis, not just to feel good, but to also be in the practice of doing it. Because you can get rusty dating and.

Then also setting the standard. Like, again, if you're not used to dates, a man can take you to somewhere that is like the bottom pit. And you're excited about that because you're finally getting a date. And when it's for me, it's like, I took myself here in here. You got to top that or do exactly what I've done already. So I think it sets the standards for you, like, you know, by doing it for yourself. Because why would you have less than what you give yourself? Make it make sense.

I love. You made a really good point earlier, which is, even though you're on these solo dates, you still need to interact with people. Right? It's still important. And this. That's what I was trying to get to, which was like, you still want to be in the practice of dating. Right? That's what's so important here. And know that this is for you, but also for, as you said, your future self. I want to say your future dating self, because the more that you solo date, the better it will be for your dating journey moving forward as well. Awesome. Awesome, awesome. Is there anything else that you want to tell the listeners and also tell me that you think that we should know about solo dating?

It's not going to be easy at first. Okay. And it's going to be.

Because one, if you're coming from out of a heartbreak, you know, you have those past thoughts, the past hurt, and you're trying to navigate it while at the same time, you know, learn to love and appreciate yourself. You know, healing after heartbreak is kind of hard. And so when you're getting that boldness to step out, it's not going to always feel good. And again, you have those thoughts, people are thinking about me. They, you know, whatever comes to your head, but it's going to always be worth it. And again, a big thing that I get is just the whole thing about fear. And again, I promise you, your future, like you said, dating self will thank you. And I just feel like you never know who you're going to inspire. My whole thing about solo dating was for me to document for myself. I never knew that I was going to have, you know, men and women who tell me how much they appreciate sharing My journey. So I encourage you guys to do it. Do it through your own means. It doesn't have to be exactly what I do. Do it at your own frequency. And again, be intentional when you're doing it. I don't want people to do it just because I'm doing it or do it for views. And I don't want people to mistake loving yourself with self care either. That's a big one. Self care is kind of like your appearance. Self love is being whole, knowing who you are and standing in that and being proud of who you are.

I love that so much. Raven. I guess we can call you Ray Girl. We know you so much now, miss Ray Girl. How can they get in contact with you if they want to work with you, if they want to learn more about you?

Yeah. So my Instagram, I don't use it that much, but if you guys DM me, I promise to respond. It's Raven. My name is not spelled with any E, so it's R A V A N dot J underscore. And then as far as my tick tock, my DMs are open for that as well. It's Ray J, underscore, underscore. And then my email will be in my bio if you guys want to work collaborations or anything like that.

I love that so much. And we'll put all of that in the show notes so people can definitely get in contact with you because I think you have so many great ideas and I just think that this, it's a ritual of sorts is so. It's so healing. And I. I'm doing this episode because I want. I think sometimes we're so focused on engaging with a guy that we forget that we can do this for ourselves. And this is also a part of your dating life that you should be doing in conjunction with, in parallel with dating other people. So, girl, thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, your wisdom around solo dating. And I just so appreciate you have kind of talked through this thing that I think not a lot of people think about.

Yeah, of course, of course, of course. Thank you so much for having me.

Of course, girl. Of course, girl. All right, ladies, you heard it here first. I want to hear all about those solo dates. So email me at anwar@getyourguycoaching.com and I'll put it in my stories and we'll talk. We'll continue this conversation around solo dating. Definitely share with me the best solo dates that you've been on. And with that I want to leave it to you. Please be well my loves and solo date date dates. Bye bye now.

Hey girl, thank you so much for listening to the get yout Guy Coaching podcast. If you like this episode and want to talk with me personally, please book a free consultation at www.getyourguycoaching.com. apply or subscribe and leave me a review wherever you listen to your podcasts talk.

Sam.