Sunny's Relationship Journey

Hey girl.

Welcome to the get yout Guy coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you.

Can just call me your own personal.

Dating and relationship coach. Each week you'll hear actionable advice, tips and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively and understanding men so that you can, you guessed it, get your guide. Are you ready to level up your love life? Alright, let's go.

Hello my loves. I hope you're doing well today. So this episode is a little bit of a different kind of episode. And it's a different episode because I have a secret and it's not Victoria's Secret, girl. My secret is that I actually have another program. It's called the get yout Commitment program. Because I have so many women getting into the best relationships of their lives, I've created a whole new program to help them through their relationship stage. So whether it's saying I love you, whether it is moving in together, whether it's meeting the parents, whether it is engagement or marriage, so many women are in this program to get to that next step because here's the thing, so many of my clients actually don't have a lot of experience in meaningful relationships and they don't want to eff it up. They don't want to self sabotage. And so I create this program about how to get to that next step and how to be the leader of your relationships so that you're setting the pace and you feel like you're in complete control. Sunny, who I am interviewing on this week's podcast episode is part of that group and I think that her experience is going to be very interesting and useful to give you perspective on. Okay, I'm in a relationship now. What I want to let you know that if you want to and this is just like a minor plug, if you want to get into the get your guy coaching program to get into the best relationship of your life, you should be booking a call with me this week because this is basically the last week of the 2022 year that you can enroll in my program in 2023 with the 2022 prices. Because next year the price of my program is going up. Why is it going up? Because I've had 34, 35 exclusive relationship secured which is an 85% relationship rate in my program. In my six month program I 19 I love you's. I've had four move ins, I've had six engagements and I've had three marriages just in 2022. Now if you're telling yourself that love, and I'm talking about the big L O V E can't happen for you. I beg to differ. It's very possible. But this week is the last week to get into my program for a January start date with the same 2022 price. So I want you to hop on that if this is a priority for you. The plug has stopped. Without further ado, let's get into this episode.

Hello, my loves, and thank you so much for joining me today on the getyourguy coaching podcast. I have a special guest with me today. It's a former client, and her name is Sunny. And I thought it would be a really good opportunity for us to just talk about what a journey looks like in the get yout Guy coaching program. And so I thought Sunny would be a really good guest for us to talk about all of those things. The ups, the downs, the trials, and the tribulations. Because it's not all roses. It is some thorns, too, sometimes. And so, without further ado, Sunny, thank you so much for joining us on this podcast.

Thank you so much for having me. It is a pleasure. I'm so excited for this conversation.

I love it. I'm so glad that you're here. So why don't we start by just telling people a little bit about you and just, like, how you heard about me.

Yeah, absolutely. So I am from Indianapolis, Indiana, and I am an editor by day, and so a lot of what I do is behind a computer screen. And in the past, I had an online business. And so Coach Anwar and I were in the same circles, so to speak, online. And so that's how I came across him. And I realized that, like, I needed some additional help with how I was showing up in relationships. And so that's why I reached out to you. Yeah.

Well, awesome.

Thank you.

I'm so glad that you did.

Yes, absolutely. It was worth every penny.

Let's talk about that. Because, like, you and I both know that nobody's really wanting to ask for help these days. So how did you get over that in yourself, especially as it pertains to dating and relationships?

Sure, absolutely. Well, I think first and foremost, I realized that I was, like, repeating some patterns. I saw there were some patterns going on in my relationships. And so this is, you know, over time, from when I first started dating, like, as a teenager until now. And so I realized that, like, if I really wanted to have a good relationship and have and show up in a relationship in a way that I could really value and appreciate that I really Needed to get some help and figure out what was going on. So that's exactly why I reached out.

Yeah. So, girl, what were those patterns? Girl, don't act shy now. You are the podcast, girl. Don't try to, like, give me this vague overview.

Girl, I tried to be vague. It didn't work.

And the people. The people at home are in their cars, are like, well, girl, what.

What were the patterns, Girl?

Because I might have them myself. So. Okay, first things first is I think I realized that I was breaking up with every guy that I dated. I mean, that was something that we haven't talked a whole lot about, but I think that was something that initially, I think I felt really proud about.

Yeah. And why was that? Why were you proud of it?

I think I was proud of it because in some ways, there's a sense of pride, there's a sense of optimism, and there's a sense of not, like, becoming someone kind of downtrodden in relationships. And I think I felt very proud because it kind of eliminates that whole, like, stereotype of being, like, the ride or die woman, you know, and I'm not a ride or die, but, you know, that type of thing, like, kind of flies in the face of that stereotype. I never wanted to be that person.

So thank you for sharing that. I think that's so important because there's a lot of women that do the exact same thing thing. And what I know for sure is that they are protecting their hearts and that they don't want to be heartbroken, and also they don't want to be abandoned. This is an abandonment wound that we are trying to protect more so than anything else. As someone who has a ton of them, I can even personally say that. Right. So have that I'm going to break up with you before you break up with me pattern. What other patterns did you have?

Yes. So that I'm going to break up with you before you break up with me pattern. I think, too, I struggled with deciding on how I wanted to show up in relationships in terms of, let's put it very simply, masculine and feminine energy. I didn't really know how to kind of, like, number one, what kind of partner I wanted, which kind of would determine a little bit of how I wanted to show up in relationships. But also, I think I struggled with being in touch with my emotions and my feminine side, which made it really hard for me to have good relationships. And so I think that those are definitely some of the larger overall patterns that I continued throughout relationships.

I'm so Happy that you talked about this, because you aren't the only black woman who maybe didn't feel comfortable in her feminine and have enough trust with the people around her, as well as within herself, to just sit in that and be okay with that. Right. And so part of the work that we do, and we'll definitely talk about this a little bit later, is just understanding where that comes from.

And, like, do you want to do that or not?

Right.

More than anything else. And so, you know, you're not alone in that. And there's so many other women that are having the same questions about not just how do I show up or do, am I in my masculine or am I my feminine? But who the hell am I?

Yeah. And I think a lot of times what. Who we are is kind of predetermined for us based on, like, our culture and how we're nurtured. Obviously nothing to do with nature, but, like, how we're nurtured and how we're told that we need to show up. And I think a lot of times, especially growing up, I felt the need to kind of prove my worth through being smart, being intelligent, through, like, performing and showing people that I was worth this or I was best at this. And so it definitely felt I had to step into that zone as opposed to just kind of being able to take a step back and not have to prove anything. And so that was a really, really struggle that I. That I had going forward. And also, I think it confused me because I was told that, oh, I'm a mature child, or I was, you know, so mature as a child. And hearing that from adults, it's like, well, let me prove. Let me prove to these adults that I'm responsible. Let me prove that I. So I think I really struggled with, like, having a childhood and just being able to be free and just being able to relax and experience childhood the way it's supposed to be.

Yeah. And the other thing is, like, when you're always, like, the good girl, that adulation, that acknowledgement gets really addictive. And, like, it's like, the only way that you get attention because nobody's checking for you because they know you're going to be fine.

Exactly. People aren't really checking in with you. They're not, like, seeing how you're doing or how you're adjusting. They think, well, she can take care of herself. So what, you know, who are the people who actually need help?

Yeah, definitely.

Okay, so you heard about me and then you. We had a consultation call, so talk to me. A little bit about that. Were you nervous? Were you like, oh, I'm going to work with him? Did you not know? Talk to me about your experience with that.

I definitely distinctly remember the conversation.

Why is that?

Because I was. Honestly, I think I felt like. I didn't feel like you were judging me. I felt immediately like you were my friend in my head and you know what I mean? So I didn't. I just felt initially very close with you in a way that made me feel like I could. I kind of let my guard down a little bit.

Yeah.

And I was worried Sometimes, I think with. Especially in, like the coaching industry, I think people fall very hard on one side of the fence or the other when it comes to an issue or like a particular situation or whatever. And I think your approach, that initial call helped me realize that there are some things that we have to figure out here. And it's okay that we don't have a solution today. It's okay that we don't come to solution at this moment. Because I kind of. I have that quality where it's like, I need to be yes or no. I need to be a black or a white or I need. I need to be a red or a green. And that nuance is important. And I just needed to make sure that I was working through the situation fully before kind of making the next big decision.

That's so interesting that you bring that up, because one of the reasons why I work with high achieving women, because it's 100% or nothing, right? But relationships and love is like being okay with being at the 60 and 70, like, just like being comfortable there versus sprinting. It's about the marathon. And so sometimes it takes a little bit of deprogramming to get to a place where you can actually just feel comfortable in a relationship and also just feel comfortable being loved in that way. Not loved hard or not at all, but just love.

Yes, yes. A reasonable, daily sunny with clouds type of love. You know, just regular every day. And I think that too was also very difficult for me because I didn't really grow up with the whole fantasy fairy tale. And maybe a lot of other black women can relate. Like, I didn't grow up with that fantasy of some prince is gonna whisk me away. Like, I just didn't have that.

And so we didn't see it in our real life.

We didn't. And we didn't see it in our real lives. Absolutely not. And then also, I think people expect black women to earn love. And I think it was really hard for me to kind of experience being in a good relationship without feeling like I had to kind of like it was weirded out. I was weirded out by how normal it was. And so that freaked me out because I'm used to the turbulence.

I'm so glad that you mentioned this, because that's what's like. I think it's so interesting when people get into a relationship when they're in the program and then they're like, they freak out and they want to sabotage it because it is not like anything that they've ever experienced. Experienced before. And so it's like they're so focused on the familiar chaos that when there's peace, it's so uncomfortable and they don't even want.

It feels like, is this enough? Am I. Is it a good thing? Or is it. Should I constantly, you know, if I don't have to constantly improve my worth or constantly prove that I'm lovable or constantly prove something about myself, like, and things are just fine and the love is stable and I don't have to worry that I'm going to come home to someone different than I left if that's happening. It was a very uncomfortable experience, and I didn't realize that. I didn't realize how uncomfortable it would be, but it was uncomfortable in a good way that I realized.

So we had this consultation, and was there anything that resonated with you during that conversation and how were you feeling afterward?

I knew immediately that I wanted to work with you. And I don't remember exactly what was said, but I remember how I felt.

Okay.

And I felt a sense of, like, nervousness, but a sense of relief at the same time. I definitely trusted. I trust your coaching style. I trust your opinion. I trust that I trusted that you were going to help me realize the blind spots that I had. I'm excelling in my career. I'm excelling in other areas. What's going on with this relationship? What's going on with this relationship stuff? And I definitely felt that you were going to give me the real. You were going to help me really dig in and figure out how I could show up as my best self in the relationship.

Yes, girl. Always.

Always.

So one of the interesting things that I hear is that a lot of.

People don't want to book that consultation.

Call because it's like. It feels very real. It's like talking to a stranger. So what would you say to those individuals that maybe have been thinking about it for a couple of weeks or a couple of months? And need to just not do it.

I would say I would first of all ask, what are you waiting for? Because I truly, honestly believe that the work that we've done in the last six months was worth its weight in gold and it was worth every single penny. So I would ask, like, first of all, what are you waiting for? Especially if you are a high achieving black woman or someone who is running at full speed all the time. I would pick up the phone, don't even hesitate. And I don't say because I'm trying to help. I say that because I think first step is actually like dedicating yourself and committing yourself to the process. And it is uncomfortable at times, but I think it was totally transformational for me, truly.

Well, thank you.

I'm happy about that. We love what we do here, girl. It's all about that transformation.

Yeah.

So let's talk about that transformation. Let's talk about working together. So there's been a lot, like I was saying before, trials and tribulations. So I just want to just share with the audience that Sunny actually came into the program in a relationship. And so the getting your guy was not necessarily getting her guy, but it was understanding her guy and also understanding herself in that relationship. So let's talk about working together and some of the things that we really focused on. What were some of the things that you really found a lot of benefits from?

Absolutely. So first thing, the first thing that we worked on was just understanding my feelings, which honestly took quite a long time for. It took a very long time, at least I think, to get in touch with my feelings. For weekly calls, he would say, like, well, how do you feel? And I would always say, I'm good, I'm fine, I'm okay. And one of the very first lessons that he taught me was saying, I'm fine. Okay, I'm good, is a moment that's being lost where you can actually be vulnerable with the other person and have that conversation and be vulnerable about how you truly feel. But in order for me to do that, I actually had to know how I felt. That was the first thing is like figuring out when someone asks you, how are you doing? To be honest, because sometimes at work it's like, oh, you're just trying to, like, get through the small talk and everything like that. But when you're talking about friendships, relationships, and even at work, having being able to say, well, actually, you know, I'm a little tired today and being able to explain, like, why that is why I'm a little tired because I stayed up last night late or whatever, you know, I've been working hard or something like that, whatever. So that was the first thing that helped me break my pattern of. Is just like being authentic with people. And honestly felt like I couldn't be authentic with people because I think. And again, maybe this is just me, but I think growing up, I grew up in like multiple judgmental, pressure filled environments.

Yeah.

And I don't know that we would see them that way, but just like realizing now that I'm older, it was really hard to be honest. And. Because there wasn't any room for failure in some sense, so to speak. Failure in quotes, of course. And I think my parents and my family and my extended family did all the best that they could do. But I think it's one of those things that, especially as black people, we struggle with because we're constantly being scrutinized. But anyway, so.

So it sounds like you were becoming more and more emotionally honest and how did that translate into your relationship?

Girl, it helped me realize why I was having so much conflict, because part of the conflict was you're not doing what I think is the right thing to do. And I'm upset, I'm mad you're not, or you're not doing the right thing I think you should do. Which, first of all, this is how I feel about everybody. Right. I feel like I have the right answers. So this is no shade to my partner, but, like, I feel like I have all the right answers. I feel like I'm the person who knows what's best. And so therefore, if anyone doesn't know what's best and they. Or they define me, I feel goddess.

Oh, goddess.

Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, I feel slighted about that. And so I think what I realized, number one, was that I can't argue people down. Part of the issue of. And I've struggled with this not just in romantic relationships, but with just friendships in general too, of just being emotionally aware, having that emotional eq, to recognize that people relate much more to feelings than they do and logic and numbers and things like that. And so I. I've always struggled with relationships because of that, because my brain is always like, well, what is the right answer? As opposed to, well, how do you feel? And so it's been a. It's been a struggle for me. So that was one of the biggest things that we worked on. And so in relationships, I would always be like, well, this is what you should do. Well, this is the right thing. Not realizing that people want to feel that warmth. They want to feel that comfort. They want to feel heard and understood. And I want that, too. I always feel better when I have it. So that's one of the biggest things that I think has just transformed me personally, in relating to other people, anyone, really.

I think sometimes people think.