The 11 Deadly Dating Patterns

Hey, girl. Welcome to the get yout Guy coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week you'll hear actionable advice, tips and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively and understanding men so that you can, you guessed it, get your guy. Are you ready to level up your love life? Alright, let's go.

I hope you're all well. Thank you for joining me. So why do I talk about dating patterns? I talk about dating patterns and I just want to let you know this is something that I do with my private clients that pay me four figures to work with them because it is such an important understanding of what you've been doing in the past. You have to get really clear on your past patterns and behaviors to actually make a change and do something different in the present and in the future. Right. So this is why I go through the actual dating patterns and I have 11 of them. So I'm going to try to be really quick with them because it can start to drag on and I don't want that, that gets really boring. But I want to make sure that if I talk to you about a dating pattern, I want you to note it down. Please get a piece of paper and a pencil or pen or on your phone go into the notes app and I want you to highlight the dating patterns that you have and I want you to score each pattern from zero to five. Five being, oh, hell yeah, that's me. Zero being, girl, I've never done that before. I never will do that. That's not me. I'm not that girl. Okay? So I'm going to give you a few seconds to get your pen and paper out as we go through these dating patterns. And then after you let me know that you're ready to go through these dating patterns, girl, we're going to go one by one. At the end of the day, what I want to have happen is I want you to get really clear on what your top three dating patterns are. Because what I know, in my experience, I've been doing this for over a decade, is that your top three dating patterns are going to represent 80 to 90% of the way that you navigate your dating life. Okay? So this is really important. And then once we go through those ones, I'm going to ask you to share them in the chat and then we'll talk about how you can start to really look at those dating patterns and figure out what they are and how to kind of solve for them. Okay. All right. So I have 11 deadly dating patterns. I'm going to start with the first one, which is what I call the flame out. And the flame out is all about. And I would say this is one of the most common and I would say even the deadliest of dating patterns. Because the flame out starts with a lot of sparks, lots of chemistry at the very beginning. He's saying all the right things. You think that he's the one, he's different. And you might jump into the sack with him really early. No judgment. I'm just calling it as I've seen it.

And he might even say things like he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Or at least that's how you hear it. But literally, within a week and a half to two weeks, ghost dead, completely. Like, not like, disappears, right? That is the total flame out. Let me know if that's been something that you have experienced on more than one occasion, right? And just to give you a sense of if you are in a flame out or if you've been in a flame out, your warning sign for this is that it's intimate, it's adoring, it's irresistible from day one. But you also feel completely out of control, like an addict that craves her fix, right? That you have no control and you've completely lost yourself. And it's still early in the process. That's flame out. So if you're flame out, let me know in the chat and we'll keep on going. Alrighty. The second pattern that I see quite often is the fantasy relationship. I call this little girl relationship. Fantasy relationship is all about being crazy about a man who doesn't even know you exist or doesn't even know who you are or doesn't have any sort of romantic interest in you. And this could be a guy that you work with, a guy that you see at the gym, even an old boyfriend, right?

That happens quite a bit.

In your head. You're already in a relationship with him and you think that it's, like, totally meant to be. And so in your head, you're just, like, waiting for him and thinking that he's going to at some point see you and want to get with you, but you completely ignore the signs of that. He has no interest in you, right? And I will let you know, as a gay kid going to a boarding school, I had a lot of these fantasy relationships, right? The thing about fantasy relationships is that it takes up all of your heart, space and mind space and all of your romantic attention is on him and it doesn't give any space for any true love, right? So that is a serious issue. So the warning sign for the fantasy relationship is that deep down inside you feel sad and empty. And if you're honest, you're feeling a bit angry and rejected and heartbroken from your so called partner, the one who doesn't see you. Right? So let me know in the chat, have you been in that fantasy relationship? Is that one of your patterns, girl? And just for those who have just started, who entered in, we are talking about deadly dating patterns here. We started off with the flame out. We've just talked about the fantasy relationship. Now we're going to talk about crumbs. What is the Crumb dating pattern? The crumb dating pattern is when you're involved with a guy, maybe he's married or taken, maybe not. And you see him occasionally. Or let me just say this, he sees you occasionally when it works for him. He's kind of probably a flaming narcissist as well. This tricky thing is, is that he treats you well when you're with him. And if he's wealthy, he probably buys you a lot of gifts, but he's never available when you want him or when you need him. Right. I want you to think of the crumbs guy as Mr. Big from sex and the City.

You probably spend a lot of time fantasizing about him, wanting him to spend more time with you, wanting him to leave his wife or his girlfriend or, or even leave his really intense work because he spent so much time there. Either way, this is a really big unhealthy dating pattern. And the reason I say this is because when you are accepting crumbs, you believe that you are basically a second class, you're in second class status or citizen and that's the best that you can get. And that's a really unhealthy place to be. So the warning sign for this dating pattern is that if your partner is always trying to make it up to you for the time that he's spent away, the holidays that he's missed, or being with another woman, you're probably in a crumbs relationship. Okay, let me know in the chat. Is that one of your major patterns, dating patterns, deadly dating patterns? If so, I want to support you, I want to love on you. Because none of these patterns are going to make you feel good. But we're going through these because I want to make sure that you are clear about what these patterns look like. Okay? Okay, let's talk about the next pattern. This pattern is the hermit pattern. And I'm talking to the girls out there that are too busy. They got the work, they got the gym, they got a dog, they're walking that dog. And they have no time for a social life or a romantic life, right? Like you're working so hard, you're not even carving out any time for your romantic life. And by the end of the day, you collapse on your sofa. You either you order in and you eat dinner on your sofa and you're watching Netflix and then you pass out in your bed. Or you might work a little bit in the evening time and then pass out, right? You probably have signed up on the app, but you haven't really been on them because you're just too tired to even engage.

I think for people that are generally hermit or in hermit kind of a relationship pattern, it's the thought is that someday I'll get around to this, right? And find a great relationship. The true tea about being in a crumb pattern is that intimacy scares you and you might be a bit shy.

When I hear I'm just really hyper independent, what I know for sure is that those are just fears and the independent label is just a mask for that fear, right? And that you probably have a hermit pattern that is not serving you in your romantic life. Okay, do you want to know the warning sign for the hermit pattern dating pattern? That warning sign is that you get more pleasure watching a Rom com than you do actually flirting with a guy or going out on dates in real life. If that's you, girl, share your pattern. Call yourself out. Awareness is super important here, right? So that's the hermit pattern. Let's go to the next one. The next one I have is the I'll make you love me pattern, right? What does that one look like? That one looks like you've started to take relationships and dating as a challenge. You want to try to win the guy over, even if he just has potential, right? And you work overtime and you over give to actually do this, which is for me, a definite no no in dating.

What it means is that you're performing for love and you're not really being yourself or you're being a version of what you think he wants, which is not truly 100% you. And when you do that, you keep your desires hidden, right? And you stay quiet and you play small because you just want him to stay and never leave. Sometimes this comes from an abandonment wound as well. So I want to call that out because I had this I'll make you love me pattern. And that was me for sure, with my abandonment wounds and everything.

When we're talking about the I'll make you love me dating pattern, you may feel that you are not lovable or that if you started asking for things, it would be too much. Right? The thing is, your over giving repels him and he's going to find another woman or girl that is not doing as much. Okay? So that is the I'll make you love me dating pattern. Let me know if that one is yours. We got to keep it real. Let's stay honest, y'. All. Okay? The next pattern I want to talk about is the abuse cycle date deadly dating pattern. Now, this is an actual deadly one that is a matter of life and death, right? When it comes to abusive relationships, it generally starts off great. And then after some sort of commitment, either exclusivity, moving in together, child together, marriage, you start seeing the controlling paranoia and just plain mean sides of him, Right? This looks like him criticizing you often. And when that happens, just like any sort of other abuse, we actually take that on and we may become actually abusive to other people. Right. What do you do when you're in this dating pattern? You hang in there because you've been taught that loyalty is everything. You make excuses for him, you try to change him, you lie to yourself about what's really going on. Now, I want to be really clear here. This is very common for people who grew up with parents that were alcoholics or drug addicted. So if that was you, you might be susceptible to this also with childhoods where you were raised in an environment with verbal, physical and sexual abuse as a child. So for those families, women of color out there, if you had spanking in your household, those are the things that make you more susceptible to this abuse cycle. Deadly dating pattern. Okay, yeah. Here's the thing about this pattern. When you're in it or when you start to understand that you're in it, you begin to think that you're damaged goods and you're worthless. You're not.

How this affects you moving forward is that you don't trust people and you believe that they're not dependable. And you start to feel really powerless about your life, that you can't change anything or do anything.

It's a really sad place to be in. What's the warning sign for this? The warning sign for this dating pattern is that you're in a downward spiral and you're feeling worse and worse about yourself the longer you're with this Guy. A good way to understand this is to look at how you were feeling last month on a scale from 0 to 10, and how you're feeling this month on a scale from 0 to 10. If it's getting worse and worse, you may be in such a relationship or dating pattern. Okay?

So I'm going to just take a little bit of break here. For the women that are listening, talk to me about some of your dating patterns that you've highlighted for yourself, right? This is important.

So many women talk to me and they say I keep on attracting the same man.

It's not true. You keep on holding on to similar dating patterns.

There are millions, billions of men on this earth, right? It is the patterns that we hold and the men that fit into those patterns that we actually continue. It's less about the men. It's really about our patterns and what are familiar to us. Right. And what we know. Right. We can't do something differently if we don't know differently. Yeah. Okay, I want to move on. Let's talk about the next.

Deadly dating pattern. I call this one the safety net. Right? This is the guy who's crazy about you, but maybe you think he's too nerdy, too uneducated, too unsuccessful until you think that he's a little bit beneath you. Right? And I handle this a lot because I work with a lot of smart and successful women, right? There's a level of entitlement here. And you probably start seeing him when you're. When you're feeling a little low because. Because you need that. That pick me up, right? And you feel like he's never going to leave you. He's the safety choice, right? The thing is, you're probably embarrassed to introduce him or to hang out with your friends with him, right? Or your besties to actually meet him. What else?

He just does whatever you want, right? And that provides you with some level of security and companionship. And that's why you keep this thing going. Here's the shade of this safety net dating pattern. It can only end in two ways. One, you realize that there's no chemistry and you stall and stall and stall to let him go. And then you finally let him go. The second ending to this is that he turns himself inside out to try to satisfy you and to try to please you. And then his confidence increases and his self esteem increases and he dumps you.

Let me know if that's been your pattern. And just if you're not sure if it's your pattern or not, I'm going to Give you a warning sign, which is that you only notice that he's hot when he's talking or flirting with another woman.

Yeah, I've had some safety nets, and it makes you feel really bad afterward.

Okay, the next dating pattern that I want to highlight is one that I call not perfect. I'll pass. Okay, what does this one mean? This one is all about.

You putting yourself out there. And basically.

You pull yourself back because you start actually finding various defects with each and every guy that you see. Oh, he's too cynical. Oh, his voice isn't deep enough. Oh, he's clumsy. Oh, right. This is the not perfect, I'll pass dating pattern. Right. The reality and the tea of this entire situation is that you aren't giving any man a chance. No one is good enough for you. And if we're being 100% honest, and I'm sure you're not going to like me for saying this, but that's never stopped me in the past, and it's not going to stop me now that you are unconsciously projecting your own feelings of inadequacy onto these men. And that's a no, no. That requires healing, girl. Right. Your reaction is a defense mechanism designed. Designed to actually guard you against rejection.

I want to repeat that because this is really important. Your this guy needs to be perfect mentality is a reaction and a defense mechanism designed to guard you against rejection.

When I hear there are no good men out there.

I think about not perfect, outpass dating pattern. And your warning sign for this is that you keep wondering why you, an amazing woman.

That has so much going for her, is still single and alone.

Not perfect. I'll pass.

Okay, next dating pattern. Chase me.

What is this dating pattern all about? You meet a great guy, you open up emotionally and maybe physically with him. Everything's going well, but probably too well. And you get scared to death and you start running away and you're hoping that he chases you. Right? Why? Because your fear of commitment surfaces or resurfaces and you pull back and you become unavailable and distant. Right.

The chase me dating pattern is all about fear. You want to break up with him or at least be the catalyst that starts the breakup so that you have a reason to actually break up with him before he can break up with you. This is how you control your heartbreak.

In your head, you're thinking, he should be jumping over all of these walls that I have to get to me and smashing through all of these different barricades.

The true tea is that you've never told him that that's what he needs to do. So you're setting him up for actual failure. Right? And then what do you say? I knew it all along. I knew it was too good to be true. I knew he wasn't the one from me. This guy's not doing what he's supposed to be doing. Right? The warning sign for this is.

You love them and you hate them. You just don't give a shit. And you can't stop yourself from acting and distant. Okay?

Yeah. This is so, so much. So I have two more deadly dating patterns. And then if you have any questions about these dating patterns, I will definitely answer them. The second to last dating pattern that I want to talk about is the Just Buddies deadly dating pattern. What is this one? Just Buddies. And maybe you've been that girl.

It is that you don't have trouble meeting men, right? But they just treat you like a buddy. Someone that they watch or play sports with. Someone who they go to when they need some sort of advice or counseling, specifically about girls. Right?

You don't flirt. You don't give up any green lights to them to let them know that you have any sort of interest in them, even if you like them. And.

You start to feel like you're not attractive. Right. Or that you're not womanly, or that you're not sensual or sexual or that no guy would be interested in you.

The warning sign for the Just Buddy's deadly dating pattern is that when you're getting dressed either for a date or for a nice event.

You start to feel strange and uncomfortable, like you aren't being the real you.

Okay? Okay. And the last dating pattern that I have, I know it's been through a lot, but I want to make sure that I'm really rounding out all of the different scenarios of the patterns. And I want you to pick your top three. Okay. The last dating pattern that I have is the grass is always greener. What does this mean? This is all about maximizing. You meet guys with potential, but you feel like you're losing out on better options always. Right. You think that these imaginary men that you haven't even met.

Are better than your current guy. Right. And you're scared that you're going to end up settling for a boring or ordinary relationship. News flash, healthy relationships have a little bit of ordinariness and, and boringness to them. It's called safety.

You may feel comfortable with long distance relationships because it gives you more options to be a bit more open. If you have this pattern of the grass is always greener. And you're probably wildly ambivalent about your partner.

One moment he's the one, one moment he's not the one. And that just makes you feel trapped and resentful. Right.

This is commitment phobia running wild in your life at the end of the day. So what's the warning sign for this one? That you're constantly thinking, thinking, thinking and analyzing your boyfriend and comparing him to an imagined or real guy who seems to be so much better.

Yeah. Yeah. So I'm going to repeat all of the different dating patterns so that we can get clear on which ones were for you and which ones you want to highlight as your top three. Number one Flame out. Number two Fantasy relationship Number three Crumbs Number four Hermit Number five I'll make you love me. Number six Abuse cycle. Number seven Safety net. Number eight Perfect not perfect, I'll pass Number nine chase me. Number ten just buddies. And number eleven, grass is always greener. Okay, awesome. Let me know in the chat, what were some of your top three ladies? I want to know what were your top three deadly dating patterns? Thank you so much for being with me. I hope that this was helpful for you and I will talk with you later. Much love to you. Bye Bye.

Hey girl. Thank you so much for listening to the GetYourGuy coaching podcast. If you like this episode and want to talk with me personally, please book a free consultation at www.getyourguycoaching.com. apply or subscribe and leave me a review Wherever you listen to your podcasts talk.

Sam.