The 5 Moms of Dating

Hey, girl. Welcome to the get yout Guy coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week you'll hear actionable advice, tips, and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively, and understanding men so that you can, you guessed it, get your guy. Are you ready to level up your love life? All right, let's go. I never felt the way I do without anyone but you.

Hello, my loves, and welcome to the get yout Guy coaching podcast. It's me, Coach Anwar, here again. I know you're like, girl, leave me alone, girl. I won't, girl. We have to talk about this dating stuff, this healing, this internal work. So I'm always going to be here every two weeks talking my ish so that we can heal and that we can level up in dating, love, relationships, and interacting with men or women. We're inclusive here, even though the name of the podcast is called get yout Guy. Maybe I should change that to get yout Mate. But today I want to talk about something that maybe isn't talked about a lot. I want to talk about the five moms of dating. Now, what do I mean by that? Here's what I know. I know that if a guy has an issue with his mother, we're going to need to run, not walk. And unfortunately, so many guys have some serious issues with their mothers. So you're going to want to ask about their relationship with their mothers. As you're getting to know him, his relationship with his mother will tell you everything you need to know about how he views women, how he interacts with women, what value he believes women hold. Inherently, these are all very important because oftentimes you won't necessarily see it in the courtship, but you'll have to understand it through other relationships because, you know, most people are going to strategically present. What does that mean? It means put their best foot forward. Sometimes it means putting on a facade, especially as it pertains to toxic and narcissistic eyes. So we're going to have to be asking about this so we can understand where he's coming from, what the foundation of his relationship with women is, and then obviously observing his actions and behaviors to see if it aligns with what you're learning about his foundational kind of core relationships and bonding patterns. So today I want to just go through the five moms that I see often as I do this work as a dating coach so that you can also kind of be in the know about this and get a sense of, like, what this looks like and what this means for your dating life. Okay, so let's start with the first mom.

The first mom I call the enmeshment mom. And when I talk about enmeshment, I'm talking about the moms that really create boys and later turning into men that are spoiled, that are entitled. Because what that means is that they're not going to take a lot of accountability, right? Meaning they're not going to apologize for what they do. They're going to think that they're the prize, so they're going to want to be chaste. And unfortunately, you know, in the 90s, there was a significant divorce rate, which created a lot of single mothers. And oftentimes, and this is especially true for black single mothers, many of those mothers would enmesh with their. With their sons almost creating a surrogate partner relationship with them, treating them like partners versus sons. And so there was a lot of enmeshment, spoiling, and entitlement that was happening there. And when this happens, right, The. The boy is going to become a mother's boy, right? A mama's boy who puts mom first and will attract women that are in their masculine energy. So if you are a woman of color in her masculine, you might have entitled or not entitled, experience these guys a lot, because they are. It's like, you know, relationships are about compliments, so it's about the yin and the yang. So if you're in your masculine, these guys are often going to be more in their feminine energy, and that will attract each other. Okay? The worrisome thing about this is that oftentimes, even when you're in a relationship with these guys that have enmeshed moms, they will always choose their mom first. They will always. They'll be calling their moms a lot. They will. They'll tell their moms things before they tell you things. So sometimes it's really difficult to be in a relationship with them. Now, how do you know if he's come from enmeshed mom.

If she's still doing things for him, if she's still taking him places, doing his laundry, Things like that enmeshment girl. Okay, so that's mom number one. Mom number two that I see is mom with an addiction. Now, when I say addiction, the first thing that comes to mind is obviously, like, drugs and alcohol. But this can also mean a sex addiction. It can mean a gambling addiction. It can be a shopping addiction.

And what I have learned is that the Moms that have this experience will create men that are codependent, that will grab onto you, that are always trying to make you feel happy and soothe you. Because, you know, their mothers have always needed something or someone to sue them instead of being able to kind of do it themselves. Right? So this creates men that want to fix women that want to be there for them. Sometimes it might feel like smothering of sorts. So I want you to be aware of that. A lot of times, these men you will find in nurturing careers. So the nurses, the teachers, the social workers, oftentimes they will come from a moment with addiction of some sort. Okay, now, please, like, I don't want you thinking, like, what I am saying is 100% the case, but it's a good chance. Majority of the time, this is what has been found. Okay, so that's the second mom that we have, mom with addiction. The third mom that we have is the controlling mom. Now, this is the mom that is in her authoritarian, oftentimes masculine energy, and oftentimes, you know, black moms. I want to tell the truth and get a baby, Ruth, as my mother would say, these are women that are always telling men what to do, not giving them space to, like, find themselves. And what this creates is a level of resentment around women because these men feel powerless and not in control for a good part of their lives because their mom is always trying to control them. And what this looks like in relationships is that these men often become abusive, they become narcissistic, and they become. They often cheat. And this is, again, a way for them to gain control in their relationships with women. How do you know if a guy is coming from a controlling mother? Well, obviously, she will still try to be in his life. He's either cut off communication with her completely because she's too controlling, or she's constantly calling. And he still hasn't kind of set the boundary around that yet. That's number one. Number two, he might have issues committing like you might. Things might be going really well, but he doesn't want to commit yet. And he doesn't want to commit because he thinks that being in a labeled, formalized relationship with a woman still equates to having no power and no control.

And that's what he wants. That's what he desires, especially based on his lived experience.

So that is mom number three, the controlling mom. Mom number four is the absent mom, the mom that's abandoned her son. Now, this obviously creates an abandonment wound. And when we have an abandonment wound, it often means that the person, in this case the guy, very insecure. Very insecure. Always probably anxious and walking on eggshells because he doesn't want the people that he's talking to or in relationship with to leave. So he has major trust issues.

That is something that happens quite a bit. Yeah. That anxious or on the extreme side and completely detached. Meaning, like, everyone's gonna leave me anyway, so I'm just not gonna have feelings about anything. Right. I know I'm saying, like, he's this or that, and that's like everything, but this is really what it looks like. It looks like the extreme parts of the spectrum, either hyper insecure or hyper detached. Not really much in the middle. So I hope that's really helpful. The way that you will know whether a mom has abandoned her son is he will often ask you, are you happy? Are you sad? Are you mad? He's trying to gauge how you're feeling so that he can manage it. He can navigate it so that you won't leave him. So he feels like it's his responsibility to make sure that he is responsible for your feelings. And in reality, in a relationship, we are all responsible for our own feelings. Okay, so that's mom number four. The absent abandoned. The mom that abandons. Okay. Okay, let's talk about mom number five. This is the mom that has allowed mistreatment from the father. Okay. What does this create? Oftentimes this creates an abuser. Yeah. Not all of the time. Again, I think it's extremes. It's like that dad who drank a lot. Either the son is going to start drinking or he will never touch a drink in his life. In this case, it's often the case that the young son will grow up to also be an abuser because that is his bonding pattern. That is his model. And because the mother has stayed in such a situation for a long period of time, he has equated that level of treatment to being okay. So he becomes the abuser because that was the pattern that he's copying from his father. How do you know this? You know this because he actually won't start abusing you at the very beginning. But one of the things that is a telltale sign is his humor. His jokes will constantly hurt your feelings. And for many of us who are hyper focused on physical abuse, we might be a little bit more blind to emotional abuse. And that's generally how it starts. So we are gonna have to check in with ourselves, understand that didn't make me feel so good, and then share that with him. And if his Jokes continue to do this. I want you to feel empowered to step away.

Because I would never want you to be in a situation, an abusive situation. Okay, so that's the fifth mother, the mom that allows mistreatment from the father.

Those are the five enmeshment, mom, mom with addictions, controlling mom, absent mom, and mom that allowed mistreatment from the father.

Here's the gag, ladies. And especially for the smart and successful women of color that are listening to this podcast.

Everything that I just said.

You will be able to also identify probably within your own mothers. And the things that I've said about that mother probably are the things that we need to be hyper aware of and heal within ourselves. That's the gag of it all, girl. Yeah. And.

This is why I'm doing this podcast. What I've learned in doing this work for so long is that oftentimes it is our mothers. It's the mommy issues that hold us back in intimate relationships more so than the dad issues.

Now, whether that is an exposure bias because we have more exposure to our moms generally or not, or because many of our moms, moms of color are not as either suffered a lot of trauma and abuse and has created that or continued that pathology or just not emotionally available, which required us to kind of shut down our feelings to survive through being raised in such an environment. But I want you to, if you need to listen to this podcast again and figure out what kind of mom that you had so you understand what are your habits, your patterns based on your bonding patterns from your mother. And message me on Instagram. Getyourguycoaching via email anwargetyourguycoaching.com and let me know kind of what mom you have grown up with. And maybe it's none of them, which is great, but I want to hear from you. I hope that this session was helpful. This episode was helpful as we continue to delve in more and more around our work so that when we find our person, we're ready and we have done the healing work to prepare and to make sure that that relationship is as successful as possible. All right, ladies, have a good one and I will talk with you.

Hey, girl. Thank you so much for listening to the get yout Guy coaching podcast. If you like this episode and want to talk with me personally, please book a free consultation at www.getyourguycoaching.com apply or subscribe and leave me a review. Wherever you listen to your podcasts, talk.