Anwar White suggests adopting a "teacher era" mindset in dating: set the pace at one or two dates weekly, skip early pet names, demand consent, and wait until a third date before sharing deep personal details. He argues this helps spot narcissists who use ambition and charisma to manipulate.
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Girl, the best way to avoid narcissists while dating is to actually treat men like they're your students and you're the teacher. Narcissists are everywhere. And your ability to be successful in dating versus have painful experiences in dating is also correlated to your experience of having to repel these narcissists. And as your fairy godbrother, I want you to feel empowered and have all of the power in your dating life. In your teacher era, we're not allowing these men, these students, actually call you anything but your name. Narcissists will try to give you a pet name really early on to try to create a level of familiarity, love bomb you and skip the line so that they can control you faster and easier. If he's doing that, it's a no for me. He's out. In your teacher era, you have to set the pace. So what does that mean? It means that every week you're going to go out on one or two dates. Narcissists will try to rush this process. Try to go on dates with you as much as possible. Try, try to call you as much as possible, try to text you all day. That is because he's trying to inundate you and drown you right? You're setting the pace. You don't have to go with the flow and drown like Titanic realness.
Thirdly, consent. A lot of these narcissists will try to do things, do whatever they want to do and not ask you if it's okay with you. Just like in the classroom and in your teacher era, you would never let a student just talk out of turn. He has to raise his hand first. He has to ask for consent. So it's the same in dating as well. He's going to need to ask to actually call you. He's going to need to ask if he can have a date with you. He's going to need to ask if the date that he's planning is okay with you or if you want something more or different. This is important when it comes to consent. Consent is everything and a boyfriend and husband and skill that we have to be evaluating for. The other thing that I want you to be aware of in your teacher era is that a lot of narcissists will try to get answers from you early on. So they'll ask you things like what are you looking for in a relationship? What's your dream date? Those sorts of questions so that they can record them in their minds and then actually do them so that they can get what they want from you, as a teacher, you're not giving the answers to the test. You're giving the test, and you're seeing how he does on the test right now, let's say after a third date, if he is still around, because 97% of the guys won't be, he's given a level of investment, at which point you can share some of those more deeper things. But early on or before then, I don't want you sharing those things because you're giving the answers to the test, which means that you're not going to be able to accurately evaluate whether he has the boyfriend skills to be a great partner for you or not. And then finally, a lot of narcissists will do the things that look and feel very good, right? And so we, we create lists that are aligned with a narcissist. For example, a lot of women on their list have ambitious, charismatic, and provider. If a man is ambitious, his goals will be number one, he will be number two, and you may be number three, you or his mama. You're looking for someone who is actually in a growth mindset where he's focused on his external goals, but also his internal goals. Narcissists are only focused on their external goals. Charisma. A lot of women are looking for a guy that's charismatic, a guy that can connect and that they have chemistry with, when in reality, narcissists can connect and have chemistry with everyone. So if you're using that as an evaluation tool, I can understand why you might be attracting a lot of narcissists, because a lot of them are charismatic. Number three, provider. I think we all want a provider, but I think we think about that in a very financial sense. Please understand that narcissists are often very successful and have money and will use that money to financially control you and manipulate you. So. So please understand that when you're thinking about a provider, I want you to think about not just from a financial perspective, but definitely from an emotional perspective and see if he can be vulnerable and hold space for your vulnerability, which means that you're going to have to be vulnerable as well. I hope this was helpful as you navigate your dating life, because success in dating is all about avoiding the narcissist and actually repelling them. And the best way that I have found for you to do that is, is to be in your teacher era. Now, if you need help being in your teacher era, definitely book a call with me. I hope this helps.
