The Check List - FB Live 5-26-20

Okay, give me a second.

Hi, ccd.

How's it going, girl?

Good. Did we put any sort of announcement on Facebook?

Are you talking to me about my mug? What are you talking about?

Okay, sounds good. No worries. Things were a little crazy today, so I totally see how things could get totally mixed up.

Hi, Monica. Hope you're doing well.

Hi, Melanie. Good to see you. Here, let me just put this on Facebook as well.

Hold on one second. Oh, my gosh. Get this on Facebook.

I have to be honest with you guys. I wasn't feeling well yesterday, so I didn't know if I was going to do this or not. But I decided to do it. That's why I didn't have a lot of announcements on.

But I'm here and I'm happy that I'm here. And let's see if I can get this on Facebook situated. Just give me one second. I wanted to invite one of my clients that I was just on the phone with because she wanted to hear about this.

I have to do it another time.

Yeah, it's crazy. How's everyone doing with the pandemic and everything? Hopefully. Well.

My tea here. This is my number one dad and super superhero mug.

Hope everyone's doing well. I'm getting a little bit tired of the pandemic, but I think in the quarantining. But I think since things are opening up soon, it'll be good to actually venture out. I live in Montreal, Canada, and so it is cold, very cold, five months out of the year.

So.

I am excited to be out with my family. Thank you, Mal.

So, yeah.

Hold on one second.

Got it. So excited for tonight's tea time. Thank you. Tooting my own horn. We are still quarantined a little bit. Things are opening up here in Canada in phases. And so I honestly think that we'll probably be opened up in June. So we're still quarantining. And to be honest with you, you know, I think it all kind of caught up with me yesterday. I was so super worn out. And being home with three kids is a lot on an everyday basis. Plus trying to, you know, run your own business or do the work that you need to do, it's a lot. So I think it all caught up with me yesterday. But like I was saying before, I'm feeling much better. And, yeah, that's why I'm here to talk about the list.

Okay, so let's get started. I wanted to talk about the list because I think that every woman has it at one point in their lives or Another, whether they made it in high school or as a younger girl, or even mentally in their head as they're dating, I think that.

Oftentimes we're not super clear on the list and what it should be in this specific chapter in your life. And so I wanted to talk a little bit about that today because I think the list can trip you up if it's not fully serving you. And unfortunately a lot of women don't continuously review that list on an annual basis. Right. Let me know. Have you been thinking about your list and if so, do you have it written down? Do you have it in your head? How does the list look like for you? Is it something that you're constantly reviewing? Are you super clear on it? Let me know how you guys are and what's, what's going on with you as it pertains to your list.

Sometimes the Instagram live gets a little bit weird. You can also check me out on the Facebook group too. I don't think it freezes as much there.

Sorry about that. I'm still trying to figure out why that's the case. But.

Yeah, so I was just actually just talking about your list. What's on your list? Is it mental list? You have it written down about the guy that you're looking for, how you're dating, who the one is for you.

While I'm waiting on those.

Yeah, there's a link. Sincere. Put a link to the Facebook. That seems to be working a little bit better. Sorry about that, guys.

While we're thinking about our list, I think it's important to realize that if you are not regularly reviewing this list, then you're operating from a list of when you were probably a teenager and that's probably not serving you as a grown ass woman right now. And so it is important that you continuously review that list and potentially make changes so that that list actually helps you and doesn't hinder you in terms of you actually finding your guy or the love that you want in your life right now. For example, you might still have a list that serves you before you even had children. Right. And so that list might not be applicable to the woman you are now and if you are a mother, what that means for you now. Right. And how the one will relate to your children at this age and older. So that's just an example of that. I wanted to talk a little bit also about.

What is exactly on the list. Right. So can you all kind of just give me examples of things that are potentially on your list when you're Thinking about your dream boat, your.

You know, your one, as they say. Just so that I get a sense of what's on the list. Does he have to be a certain height? Does he have to have a certain job? Does he need to make a certain amount of money? Does he have to.

Be religious or not or.

I'm interested to know exactly what's on your list so that I can get a good sense of where you all are at. And then we can talk a little bit more about that list. And then I have a small exercise that we can all kind of do together to get a sense of what sort of list you should be happy. Should have.

Yeah, my Instagram just went down, unfortunately. Oops. That happens.

So tell me about your lists. I want to hear about them.

Can you guys see me? Hear me?

We definitely are going to be talking a little bit about the list and what is exactly on your list that is.

Okay, got it. So I'm seeing, you know, people who want to travel, family person. I'm seeing educated, I'm seeing someone who is.

Responsible as it relates to.

Substances, sober, those kinds of things. What other things are on your list?

Hi, Mandy, good to see you.

Well, oftentimes I'll just continue and when you guys have. When you guys can talk a little bit about what's on your list, we'll continue with that. Hey, Lisa, we're just talking a little bit about kind of who's on your list of your guy.

And we'll go from there. I'm seeing sincere, honest, self aware, done the internal work.

Okay. Not many guys have done the internal work, but we'll talk, we'll talk about that.

Okay, so we have a pretty good list going on that I've seen from various people. One of the things that I want to mention about your list, okay, I see here woke. One of the things that I want to talk about when it comes to having a list for your ideal guy or the man of your dreams, is that oftentimes your list hinders Love vs actually brings it in. Right? So oftentimes I'll be working with clients again. These are clients that are smart, strong, successful women. And they'll tell me things like, you know, I want a guy that's six feet tall, I want a guy that has a master's degree, I want a guy who makes six figures and above.

Right? These are just, you know, specific things that, you know, people might have on their list beyond kind of characteristics and things like that. And one of the things that I want to mention is that when you have a list like this, it's actually very, very difficult to find someone that's going to hit every single thing on your list. Right. Oftentimes lots of women will have 20 plus things on their list, if not more. Right. And if you actually do the math, when it comes to figuring out someone who is, let's say 6ft tall, which is, you know, 15% of all men, master's degree, which is 9% of all men, six figures, which is, let's say 12% of all men. And that's just three specific variables. You're looking at 1% or less.

Of the entire population of men that are out there. And so it is very important that when you're thinking about your list, you're going to have to realize that there is not going to be a man that is going to hit every single thing on your list. If you have a list of 20, if you have a man that hits 13 of them, great. And I know that sounds like so pessimistic, but I'm here to be 100% real with you. A lot of those things might not matter as much as you think. Even, you know, the done the internal work. A lot of people haven't done the internal work. Right. Not everybody is woke.

Right. We want to be thinking about the things that are going to.

Really serve you in your life today. Right. And so it's important that, you know, I hear a lot of clients say, oh, it's very, it's so hard to find a man. And they're, they're basing that based on the list that they're having, where that list and the variables that they have is not necessarily the important things that are going to sustain a long term relationship or marriage. And so I want to really think about, I want everyone to think about really what their list is, is and how it is either serving them or not serving them, helping them find someone or not. The things that I think are very important in a long lasting relationship and this is going to be different for everyone. But I do think that there has to be some sort of openness, right? You have to be able to compromise honesty, right? Telling the truth.

A man that is caring, that will do things for you, be thinking about you, be considerate and that a man that is kind, right? I think I always think of the acronym hoc hoc, honest, open, caring and kind as like the foundations for, you know, successful and long term relationships. So what I want to do really quickly is I want to talk a little bit through some of the exercises that I do with my clients that help them gain clarity on what they're really looking for. So what I usually do is I create four columns. In the first column, I write down all of their initial. Let's say 20 things on their initial list. And then. So we've kind of gone through that a little bit already. And you can do this mentally or write it down, whatever you feel most comfortable with. The second column has to do with the positive things that you loved or enjoyed about any of your ex relationships. Ex husbands, ex boyfriends, ex situationships, whatever it may be, right? I want, like, your top three to five things that you really enjoy, right? Maybe this guy was like a cheater, but at the same time, he was. You know, he always. He made me feel. He gave me a lot of gifts, and that's my love language, and I really enjoyed that. Right? So, you know, one of the things you could say is gift giving, right?

Again, I'm not talking. I'm not saying that your exes are great, but thinking, really analyzing each and every ex that you may have and thinking about those things that attracted you to them and that made you feel amazing and that drew you to them, right? So.

And it can. It can be as simple as the guy was really hot, right? That's another thing, right? It doesn't have to be like these deep, you know, spiritual things, right? It can be.

You know, characteristics, traits that you find to be that drew you to your exes in one way or another. So that's what I want you to put in your second column.

Like three to five of those.

In the third column, what I want you to do is I want you to. And this might be a little bit. This might be difficult to do, but in the third column, I want you to think about your relationship with your parents, and I want you to think about the things that you have always yearned for as it relates to your parents, right? Either your mother or your father or both. So for me, my father actually abandoned me when I was a young boy. And so for me, someone who was reliable, who was always there, was something that was really important to me and something that I needed and I yearned for, right? So if that. Something like that is for you as it relates to your parents, please write that down in your third column. So for me, it would be like, reliability.

In terms of my mother. One thing that I yearn from for her is like, attention, right? Because she's someone who loves everyone and gives her attention and energy to a lot of different people. And so sometimes I didn't necessarily feel like I had the attention of my mother that I wanted. So I wanted. I needed to have someone that gave me the attention that I needed in my relationship. So I want you to think of your three to five things as it relates to your parents. And if it takes you a little bit longer to think about these things, these are fine, right? I mean, this work is not easy work. It's not supposed to be. But this work is going to be beneficial and critical to really thinking about who should be with you and who are the people or the men in your life that are going to help you grow as an individual.

So in the first column, we have your initial list that you have of the 20 things. Like I said before, if there is a man that, like, you know, checks off 13 of those 20 things, great, right?

And then I want you to. Also in the second column, I want you to think about the positive things, the three to five positive things that one or all of your exes, you know, had that you really enjoyed in a relationship. The third column is all about the things that you needed from your mother and your father that you didn't necessarily have a lot of.

So what you'll notice is that in your second and your third column, those are the things that are probably going to be the most important things in the way that you are thinking about your list. Okay?

If any of you don't mind, please share kind of some of the things that you realize that you might be wanting to have on your list that wasn't necessarily on your list before or something that you found to be in addition to your list.

Okay? So while people are doing that, the fourth column that I like to do is. Is for this exercise is also, like, 10 to 20 things.

About why it might be difficult to be in a relationship with you. Now, I know that that's, like, super, like, counterintuitive, but I do this because it's important to realize that we're all not perfect and that someone is going to have to deal with all of us.

In a relationship. And so oftentimes, when I'm working with my smart and successful clients, many of them have, like, a perfectionist thing and that they're always working on themselves.