The Pleasure Principle with Violet Lange

Alrighty.

Is there a certain way that you.

Would like me to introduce you?

No.

I mean, you have your own podcast. You know, everyone has a different way that they want to be introduced.

So, yeah, you say Violet Lange, you know, love, dating, and relationship expert.

Okay, perfect. I will do that. Alrighty.

Hello, loves, and thank you so much for joining me today on the get yout Guy coaching podcast. I have a very special guest with me today. Her name is Violet Lang, and she is a love, dating and relationship expert. And she is amazing at what she does. I am so happy to have you on this podcast, girl. Thank you so much for being here.

Yeah, I'm delighted. It's so fun to connect with you.

Yeah. So talk to the listeners a little bit about what you do and your approach as it relates to dating, love, and relationships, because every dating coach has their own kind of approach and the way that they think about it. And I, I have you on the podcast because I love your approach and I think it really does tap into the essence of a woman. So I'd love to hear you tell all the listeners all about it.

Of course. So my work really focuses on integration of the head, the heart, and the body. And we can talk about that a little more of what that means. But I find a lot of the people who come to me have no problem getting dates or even getting into relationships, but it's not the right type of relationship that they want to be in. So they may have patterns of attraction that are getting in their way, such as just falling in love with someone from their heart on an emotional level, but forgetting about, like, what the person also brings to the table on an intellectual or a practical level. So I won't get into all the details, but it's really about integration that lasts like 20% of the work that we need to get into that amazing relationship. The women I work with are already very self aware, but they have their own blind spots, like we all do. And a big blind spot in addition to our patterns of attraction is our sensuality and our feminine energy. And I know that gender is a construct and we all have masculine and feminine energy, but so often, especially as successful women, we've been taught to hide our feminine energy, hide our sensuality, basically become a man in order to be successful. And then when it comes to dating, we're wondering why everyone wants to just be a friend with us or put us in the friend zone.

Yeah, definitely. How did you get into this work? I think every dating coach has such an interesting story about this. What's Yours.

Oh, God. I never in a million years thought I would be a love coach because I struggled so hardcore with my love life. I mean, I was the person who beat red. Just when a boy would be like approaching me in class, walking down the hallway, I was, I was so nervous and so shy. And I got married in my 20s almost out of fear. I had this fear like, well, if I don't get married now, I'm never going to get married. I don't think anyone would choose me. Like, we just got to get this done. It was like an accomplishment, but there wasn't as much intentionality in it. Fast forward five years. It's a sexless marriage, you know, no passion, no real emotional intimacy either. And I went to business school and I was surrounded by incredible people. And not that my ex husband wasn't incredible in his own magical ways, but it wasn't, it was no longer aligned with me. So I got a divorce in business school and went off to do consulting and other things. And down the road I became an executive coach because I love coaching people. I love connecting with people. When I was a consultant, my biggest beef was that I wasn't close enough to people. I was all strategy but not enough heart. So I became an executive coach while I was also working for this company called Yoga Works. And on this path of my own personal healing from sexual abuse and from the divorce and messy breakups and dating and all these things that had happened, I was healing on a spiritual and personal level. And one by one, all of my executive coaching clients would say, hey, Violet, I know we've been working on the business stuff and that's cool, but can you help me with this person I'm seeing? Or, you know, I'm not sure what to do in my relationship. I haven't had sex with my husband in five years. And so all of my coaching clients for business, we would have a six month arrangement. I would say by month four, we were only talking about personal stuff. And I think they could just smell that I was so into this on my own that I had started geeking out on this. But I had a lot of hangouts. I was like, love coaching is incredible. I have my mba. Like, what am I doing?

Same sense, same.

But when I really listened to not only what I wanted and what I loved, but what people were asking me for, you know, I just was like, okay, this is it. So I became a love coach. I took a separate certification training in addition to my own experiences. And then I, at some point, I think it was about five, maybe even six years ago, I had been doing half love coaching, half executive coaching, half yoga, half Reiki. I was just like a hot mess. Doing everything.

Doing it all. Totally. Five or six years ago, I was like, no, I'm just doing love coaching. And as soon as I did, everything took off. It was like, you know, the universe rewards us when we're committed, when we say yes to ourselves, when we say yes to growing, just like your clients do when they say yes to working with you and get amazing results. So I just said yes to myself, and here we are.

I love it. I love it so much. So you were, as you were saying, listening to yourself. And then earlier you also talked about kind of this integration or alignment with head, heart, and body. Can you speak a little bit more to that? Because I think it's so central and so important in this work, and I think everyone needs to hear it.

Yes. Well, what I found for myself is I would always tell people, I don't have a type of. You know, I don't have a type. I date all different sorts of people. But truthfully, I had patterns. I would either date someone who was perfect on paper, had their resume also, you know, very successful or whatever it is, and I would just be wanting them to like me. But I would think about, well, do I really like them? And my answer oftentimes would be no. Like, I like the possibility, but I'm not getting my emotional needs met always.

And then I would also, sometimes what happens. Sorry to interrupt. Sometimes what happens is that I like that they like me, but I don't necessarily like them.

It's like our ego gets a little bit of a patch, but we're not. It's kind of like we're thinking of it as a joint venture. You know, I work with women who are like, okay, I need a partner like this because I'm going to accomplish these things together. And it's like, great, but how do you want to feel? They're like, well, I want to feel that we're teammates. But don't you also want to feel loved and cherished and adored? It's like we forget about the heart. So I dated people where I just completely forgot about my heart. But then I also dated people like my ex husband, where we had a good emotional connection at the start, but I found myself being the therapist, cheering them up, like, holding space for them all the time. And oftentimes they're kind of angsty creatives or they were aloof, but they had, like, so much heart and so Much soul. And, you know, I got to be like the mother in the relationship or the caretaker, which also is not very sexy or sustainable, but is a role that oftentimes we fall into. Right. Is being that nurturer. Because if I'm nurturing someone else, I don't have to look at my own shit.

Right, exactly.

Letting their heart lead, but then, you know, closing mine off. And then, of course, the last category is, you know, I would hook up with people, or I would have sex with someone and hope that it would turn into a relationship. So I was either dating from my head, looking on paper, dating from my heart, but oftentimes becoming the therapist or dating from my body and hoping something sexual would become long term. And none of those approaches worked. So I had to, like, take all the puzzle pieces away and create a new, like, puzzle picture that was unique to me, that was really aligning, like you said, my head, my heart, and my body.

Yeah. So can you kind of help us to understand that? Because a lot of the women that I talk to, my clients, they are doing exactly what you're doing.

Right.

It's like one or the other. So how can we start to bring them all together and kind of integrate or align them as we're approaching dating and relationships? Do you have any potential exercises for us to at least help us get there?

Definitely. So I have a more reflective one that I'll share. Now, that's just three simple questions. And the first question is, what do I want? And of course, we've probably all done this checklist of all the things that we want. But what we want is oftentimes in our mind, we're daydreaming like, ooh, I want this, I want that. And it's very helpful, but it's not enough. So question number one is, what do I want? Question number two is, what do I long for? What is my heart longing for? And as people in the modern world, and I'm sure you know, because you work with successful women, we think that we can just hide our longings. But oftentimes our longings are the things that no matter how successful we are, we cannot achieve just by ourselves. So I'll give some examples. Longing to feel safe. Longing to feel listened to, Longing to feel seen. Longing to feel heard. Longing to feel significant to someone for more than just what you accomplish or do for them. Like, these are deep longings that we need to get met in a relationship that we oftentimes don't know. So what are you longing for? Is a heart based question.

Yeah.

And then the third question is a body based question. What do you need? Now? You might want the guy with the great job and the big house and all the things you might long for, someone to help you feel safe and seen and appreciated. But you might need hot sex. You might need someone who's also going to pick up the kids from school half the time of the week. You might need someone who is.

Travel crazy like you are. You might need someone who's fine with traveling across the country for a job. So our wants, our longings and our needs are a great way to round out and integrate these things.

As I'm listening to this, I'm pretty sure that a lot of at least my clients or some of the listeners will be like, I understand want and I understand need, but it's this longing, this yearning that it might be hard to connect with. So can we talk a little bit more about that and how to get in touch with that? Because I think sometimes we might have some blockage when it comes to that.

Yeah, and I think for good reason, because oftentimes what we're longing for is the thing that we wanted when we were younger, but that we didn't get. So my biggest longing is safety, particularly emotional safety. And part of that is because I grew up with a narcissist and.

An abusive parent. And so this feeling of emotional and other types of safety I never really got. So what I did is say, well, screw that. I'm gonna be untouchable. I'm gonna be successful, I'm gonna be smart. I'm gonna build a life where I can never be vulnerable. And like, I don't need to feel safe because I got this. But that's different than feeling safe in someone's presence. That I can completely be myself and be vulnerable and have a happy cry. I don't like the word ugly cry. Have a happy cry and just feel, feel that my safety is valued. So one of the things people can consider is, what did I not get that I really wanted growing up? What is it that I've been protecting myself from experiencing or what have I been afraid to receive? And you know, you probably do this with your clients, some sort of inner child or reflective exercises about the past. You know, what type of partners have I continued to choose that can't give me this need? You know, I would continue to choose partners who couldn't, who couldn't me feel emotional safe because like I was saying, they had so much shit going on that I. There was no safety for me because it was all about their emotional drama. So I had been purposely choosing people who couldn't give me a deeper longing because. Because I was scared and because my nervous system didn't know how to receive that.

Yeah, definitely. It's interesting that you bring this up.

This is the.

The exact exercises that I'm doing with my clients, too, when we go through. Well, what were those things in your parental relationship that you are yearning for? Right. Attention, being cherished. Right. A respectful of boundaries, privacy. You know, all of those things are really important. So I just want to encourage all the listeners out there that if you are still trying to figure out what you're longing for, what you're needing for, I want you to kind of go there and really kind of be vulnerable in thinking about those things that you really didn't get. Because I think sometimes when we do this exercise, we want to protect our parents because we love them, but it's not really about that. It's really about how you experience the relationship and being truly honest about that, because that honesty will be able to give you clarity in terms of what you need in your adult relationships. I'm often saying that we approach our adults, specifically our romantic relationships, as the little girls that we are until we can either heal or reparent ourselves in a variety of different ways. So we have to figure out what those things are so that we can figure out what we're longing for and needing or yearning for.

Yeah, absolutely.

I love that stuff.

I love that too. I mean, the re parenting is key. Like, I'm so happy that you do that with your clients. And until we do that, we're just not going to be as fully healed and integrated like we're talking about.

Yeah, yeah, definitely. So let's switch gears a little bit, because I know a lot of your work is based on pleasure.

So I want to talk a little bit about that because I want to know what pleasure means to you and how you integrate it into your work.

First of all, that laugh that you just had was incredibly pleasurable. I was like, oh.

Loving it.

Yes, girl, I got best laughed in high school, among other things. So, yes, I am actually very proud of my laugh. Even though it's crazy.

Crazy and loud, I freaking love it. It's delightful. So pleasure to me is anything that opens, softens or illuminates. So if we're feeling open, if we're feeling soft, if we're feeling illuminated, that's pleasure. Now, some people think of pleasure as purely sexual, and it definitely can be through sex, but it can Be through the five senses. Smelling roses or drinking a glass of wine. It can also be the pleasure of learning something new and growing or traveling and seeing a environment. So pleasure is really individual. But for me, I'm a highly five senses person. So when there is a beautiful view and there is also delicious food and I'm wearing something that feels good on my skin.

It'S wonderful. Yes.

I love that so much. I think it's a really good way of kind of framing it. And for people that are not necessarily.

Open or haven't allowed themselves to be pleased or to be pleasured, how can they start to think about that? Right. I'm just thinking about some of the women that I talk to and like, they might not like to be touched. Right. They might not like. But I think it might be an interesting exercise to explore what parts of those senses they may like. So how can. What do you say for those women out there that. That either don't know how to be pleased or based on what you've just discussed, have, don't have.

Let's cut that based on what you discussed, how they can kind of get in touch with some of those pleasurable moments through the senses.

Definitely the senses. Like you mentioned, to do an exploration, I say one sense per day and then figure out which of those days was the best for you. If you picked taste one day and smell the next day and on and on, it's focusing that awareness just on that sense which helps you to dive deeper and discover things you may not have never known. Like, oh, I actually really like the smell of grass clippings and I never paid attention to it. Or, oh, actually I don't really like smell, but I love taste. Or I love music. I need to listen to music more during my day or during my commute. So highlighting a certain sense can really help. And then also getting in touch with our bodies, which can be tricky. You know, we can have shame and judgment and there's a lot in our society that's put on women and women's bodies from a media perspective and a cultural perspective. But when we're able to cherish and honor and connect with our bodies, then we're opening the doorway for more pleasure. It's hard to experience pleasure when we're dissociating or when we're just in our head or when we're in fight or flight and all of the energy is in our fingertips and our feet and we're preparing to run away. And that might be great for like tackling a work project sometimes. But the feeling of pleasure on our belly or on our hips or the feeling of our clothes or waist beads, or just these little details that can add so much joy and so much richness. And for starting with the body, I would say when you're in the shower, because almost everyone either showers or bathes.

Let's hope so. Let's hope so. Goodness gracious.

When you're doing your loofah or your soap or your body butter, pick one word. Pick one word that's important to you, whether it's pleasure or love and massage that into your skin. Think that you're massaging love into your skin or that you're massaging receiving or joy or partnership or marriage. And it makes it not just a functional thing. Like, okay, I'm putting on my body butter. I'm adorning myself with this word. I'm vibrating with this word now in every one of my cells. And as you do that more and more, you might want to touch some other places on your body too. Okay.

I'm not mad at it.

I'm not mad at it. Girl, I love it. I love it. Yes.

One thing I wanted to ask you, because you had mentioned this earlier, was about sexual trauma that happens in the past in the body. And as you talk about kind of this pleasure and kind of really cherishing your body, since we know that so many women go through sexual harassment, sexual abuse, sexual trauma in their lifetime.

Would you mind kind of just speaking to how you were able to get to this point that you're at now based on some of the experiences that you had before in terms of potentially helping someone that's listening out there, get to a point where you're at it in what you teach.

Yeah. Thank you for asking that. It's a little tender for me even now, even with all the healing journey, and I'm happy to talk about it, but it's bringing up for me just a lot of compassion, a lot of compassion for all of us going through this human journey and the things we experience and the ways that we shut down. And I didn't realize how my sexual trauma was affecting my love life because it normally didn't really show up until a little bit later in the relationship. Like, the first few weeks and months were cool. Like, everything was. Was good. I mean, obviously I was still a hot mess because I hadn't learned. Hadn't learned some of the things that I now teach my clients. But the sexual trauma piece was starting to show up more when we got intimate because I would shut down. I Would distract, associate and things would just get very routine. And I even had partners be like, what's wrong with you? Why don't you like sex? Or how can you say the same thing every time? Or it has to be a particular way every time. And I was like, oh, you see me more than I see myself. Like ouch. So you know, it's intimacy is vulnerable. And I started working with a lot more of these body based sensations. So there's something called somatic experiencing which is just getting really present with the sensations in your body. Like hot, cold, tingly, numb, open, closed. So I had to start learning what my body was saying because I had been neglecting my body for the first 30 years of my life. I just wasn't that aware of what was going on in my body. So I had to become more aware of my body sensations and what was going on so I could set healthier boundaries. So I could pause and say I need a moment for intimacy if that's what I needed. And also said I could experience more pleasure. So pleasure practices, more specifically sexual pleasure practices, combined with the self awareness through somatic experiencing, those two things were the most helpful for my journey.

Thank you for sharing that. I think it's going to be really helpful for a lot of people out there. Now one thing that I know about you girl, is that you have a more spiritual side when it comes to dating and relationship. Right. I know that there's, you know, some law of attraction and some other laws that you kind of kind of weave in there. So can you kind of explain to me kind of how you kind of coach, love, dating and relationships on the more spiritual side?

Definitely. I'm a very spiritual person. I geek out on that stuff. And so it just isn't authentic for me to not coach from that lens. But I think there are some pitfalls of only thinking about, let's say law of attraction is if I just think about it enough or say enough affirmations. But if that were true, we would all be happily married and you know, multimillionaires. It's not enough just do the affirmations or to just think these thoughts. But what I like to say is there's the law of attraction that like attracts like, but there's also the law of polarity that opposites attract. So if someone listening is like, you know, I've attracted a narcissist, most likely you're not a narcissist, but you're probably very empathetic. You probably over index on the feelings and you've attracted someone who under indexes on the feelings. And like I was saying before, you know, we all have masculine feminine energy. So even if it's regardless of the type of sexual partnership it is or romantic partnership it is, you know, there will be sometimes these little, these little opposites, like where people, let's say one partner is kind of closed off in their body language. Another partner might be really open in their body language, or an extrovert and an introvert. So just understanding the law of attraction plus the law of polarity can really help us to make sure that we're not pushing away someone who could be a really good fit by trying to be similar. You know, oftentimes on a date, someone will say like, oh, I just got back from, well, pre Covid times, you know, I just got back from France. And we'll say like, oh, I love France. Here's where I went. Here's where you went. And it's, it's fun to talk about those things, but again, it gets into friend zone versus oh, what do you love the most about traveling? You know, oh, the music. Oh, here's the music that I love. And you know, really getting into our body and letting the conversation go in different ways and not feeling like we have to be the exact same person because similarity binds but opposites attract. So that's a big part. And then also metaphysical tools like yoni eggs, which if someone listening is like, what?

Let's talk about girl. Because I know nothing about them. Obviously. I have no yoni. I have no yoni egg and I want to learn and I want to know all about it.

Yes. So a yoni is a Sanskrit word for vagina or vulva. You can use a yoni egg, which is a crystal shaped like an egg. It's particularly shaped like an egg because A, that makes it easier to insert and B, that is a good size and shape for being inside the vagina. So a yoni egg is a crystal that you put inside your vagina and that helps you to strengthen your pelvic floor, helps you to experience more pleasure and more orgasmic capacity, helps to release sexual trauma, can even help with fertility and can also help with like incontinence and other dysfunctions of the, of the pelvic floor and just a tiny bit about where it comes from. So you don't think that it's just like some new age woo woo thing, even though that's cool too. It actually is from 4 or 5,000 years. No, no, I'm getting that wrong. I'm Thinking of yoni in Sanskrit, and that's. That's from four or five thousand years, but the jade egg and the yoni egg are from 2000 years ago, and they actually come from China. And in China, the courtesans used it. So, like the sexual consorts in the royal palace, but also the shamans, the female shamans would use it. So it has a sexual spiritual lineage that's been used for thousands of years, which makes it really cool and very powerful for some of these deeper healing practices. And the last thing I'll say about that is, even if you're like, I don't really believe in crystals or like, what is this? Just consider the fact that most of the time we're in our heads. And simply once or two times a week, having a practice that anchors you in the body, that you're not relying on having an orgasm or having a partner to feel connected to this part of your body, can be very healing and very empowering to be like, oh, I know what I need. I'm in my body. I'm connected to my power and my truth. And it's not dependent on a climax and it's not dependent on a partner, and it's a good anchor to all the power that we have in our mind.

Thank you so much for sharing that. But just like, let's say I've heard of yoni eggs, but I've never actually tried them. Like, what would be my first step? I obviously purchased them, but, like, if I insert them in, how long would they stay in? And what's would I be doing certain things while they're in to, you know, help things change things. Let me know what I. What I'm supposed to be doing once I have the yoni aches, girl.

Yes. So I think it's best to do with the guidance of someone. I use yoni eggs in my practices and my courses. But if someone wants, they could look on YouTube. You know, there's lots of resources out there. I would be cautious when you buy them to buy from a reputable supplier, because certain crystals are not actually safe for inside your yoni, and certain crystals are more likely to break and all of that. But there's a company called Bliss Yoni Eggs, and I can send you the link to it.

And I love it in the show notes, for sure.

Yes. So they're wonderful. And they come with, like, a little instruction guide. If you're using it simply for strengthening and building that body awareness and that power. There's simple breathing and squeezing exercises that you can Use to get in touch with this part of your body. But for people who are listening, who are more aware of crystals and their properties, different crystals have different properties. So jade is a crystal that's good for healing and grounding. Rose quartz is really for opening the heart, or amethyst for opening our intuition. So you can pick a crystal that's aligned with your challenges and your goals, and then you can also. I'll use the word program, but you can program the crystal for your intentions. And what I mean by that is, you know, some people would put a crystal on their altar or their office space. A crystal for prosperity or luck. You know, some people would then say, you know, this is my intention, and put their intention into the crystal. Not only is it a crystal for prosperity and luck, but, you know, may this help me with this upcoming deal, or may this help me with my book proposal. When I work with a woman with a yoni agin and the practices in my course, you know, there's a practice for power and boundaries. There's a practice for healing from the past. There's a practice for opening your heart. So you can also program the crystal with an intention that is beyond just sexual and beyond just the yoni. And the reason why is because in the Eastern tradition of acupuncture and meridians, as well as the Sanskrit tradition of chakras, our energy body is not just localized. You know, Western medicine is like, if you have a problem with this part of your body, that's where we're going to focus. Eastern medicine says, well, you could have a problem here with a symptom, but the root of it might be somewhere else. So even though we're using the yoni egg in the yoni, you could still have an intention of healing your heart or healing past memories or healing a particular pattern that you're going through. So that's some of the ways that you can use it. And one last thing is liberal use of coconut oil or whatever your preferred natural lube is, because this is not like a tampon that you just push in there and are like, cool, I'm good. This is really about reclaiming your body's ability to say yes or no. So if you've had unwanted sex, if you either had unwanted sex that was forced on you or you've said yes when maybe you weren't really a yes, it's so important to slow down before you use the egg and ask, do I even want to use the egg right now? Because you can also just hold it in your hand and Imagine that it's inside your yoni, and over time, your body might be like, oh, yes, I'm ready now. But if it's not ready, don't force it, because then you're damaging the relationship that you're building with yourself and your body.

Yeah. Thank you so much for sharing. I'm so. I'm much more clear about it now than I was before.

One of the things I know as we're talking about pleasure is that sometimes dating is not pleasurable, or at least it doesn't feel that way for a lot of women out there. So what do you say to those women to help it to become more pleasurable of an experience?

I think we have these myths that dating should be hard work or that it's an interview, or we might just unconsciously project those things because we are such hard workers, or we do value our career so much that we treat dating in the same way. But I like to think of dating as, you know, if you're at a beautiful French bakery and there's all these macaroons and pastries and chocolate croissants and all of that, and you just have your pick of these delights. You know, I really believe that we can fall in love with many different types of people. I don't believe in, like, the woman or the soulmate. I think you can fall in love with so many things about a person, and so it's really about making a choice about which person you can grow together with and that meets these wants and longings and needs. But if we set a baseline of pleasure, of, like, okay, this is what pleasure is for me. This is what feels good. And we say my life needs to feel pleasurable, there's going to be times when it doesn't. But overall, my life needs to feel pleasurable. And if my relationship or my dating experience doesn't feel pleasurable, it's probably out of alignment with something that I need or want, or I'm putting myself in situations with people who don't actually value or love or cherish me, or I'm not revealing my incredible, badass self to them so that they can appreciate all that I am. So my tips for making dating more pleasurable is to first just know what pleasure is for you and let that be your new baseline. And have the courage to say no to experiences that aren't feeling good in your body, as long as you're asking yourself, is this me pushing them away because I'm scared of the love that they have to offer? But if it's like, no, this is actually just someone who can't really vibe with me. Then I'm gonna let go of the sure thing in order to find something that's much more, you know, much more attuned to for me. And then the other thing is that I have like pre date and post date rituals that are all about getting into your pleasure. And then also, can you share us?

Can you share with us some of those? Girl, what sort of ritual should we be doing before a date and after a date to get into our optimal pleasure level principle?

Well, I always say do something for your body. Whether it's the, you know, the body massage like we talked about, or a yoni egg practice or putting on some music and getting into your hips and waking that body up. But do something to get into your body and do something to get into your heart. So you could put a hand on your heart and say, I'm completely lovable and worthy of love. Or you could do something that's heart opening, like make a gratitude list of all the things that are awesome in your life. Or I have my clients make something called 50 Reasons I'm a Catch and I have them read it before a date. So they're like, regardless of what happens, I'm awesome and I don't have to twist myself into a pretzel in order to get a second date. So something in the body, something in the heart, and then something to remind yourself of your confidence. Those are some simple ones.

I love that. And what about post date?

So post date to me is all about getting in those five senses and enjoying and celebrating like, I had a date. And no matter how well or not so well it went, like allowing yourself to relax. Because the first thing we want to do is go into our mind and think, oh, when he asked me this question, I guess I could have said it differently. And we get so over analyzing. And instead if we're, you know, let's say we've saved ourself a nice bar of chocolate or we're putting on some music we like, are we having a glass of wine or we're vegging out and watching a Netflix show. Like, do something that gets you out of your head so you don't go there after the date. And the other thing that you can do is say, what did I learn? Now that's a little more in your head. So it's not the first place I would go. But if you can't seem to get out of your head, just say, what did I learn about myself? What did I Learn about myself on the date. Well, I learned that I actually don't like coffee dates because I'm a tea person. Or I learned that if the person doesn't open the door or smile when I see them or pull out my chair, I don't feel that special. So the next time I'm just gonna kind of wait by the table a little bit and when he pulls out the chair, I'll be like, oh, thank you. I love it when you do that. I love it. Yeah. All of these things that we can learn because I think the apps and dating, it's just an iterative process. You have control in some ways, not in every way, but control over. The more that you learn and grow and be in your pleasure, the better the next date is. And then it just gets better and better. And yet at some point you kind of cross the threshold where you actually start to enjoy dating and then everything changes.

Yeah, I think. Well, I'll just start by saying, like, one of the post rituals that I have for my clients is really to be rating the dates. And it sounds intellectual, but it's also, I think, mixed with a little bit of heart energy or heart space as well. Because, you know, if I'm, let's say, rating them from 0 to 10 and I give them a 6. Right. Then we need to figure out what that 6 is all about. Right. And that usually kind of transcends and talks about intellectually, but also maybe something within the body. Maybe he was too close to me. Right. Maybe he did this and I didn't like it. Maybe he was judgmental when I was vulnerable or things like that. And so, and also the follow up question is.

What would it look like if it were a 10, meaning the date? Like, what would have needed to happen? Right. And again, as we've been talking about in this entire podcast, it's all about pleasure. It's all about understanding what you like and what you don't like and helping you understand who you are so that you can really represent yourself well when it comes to relating to other people and being able to express and communicate the likes and the unlikes, let's say.

Yeah, I'm so glad that you do that. I love that. Because, you know, we can't get what we're not aware of that we want, and also what we don't express. You know, sometimes as women, we're taught to just be quiet and hope we get what we want. And it's ridiculous. Like, people aren't mind readers. Right. So sounds like such a powerful Practice.

Yeah, definitely. Good.

So I asked this of all of my guests, but, girl, how did you get your guy? And just FYI, I want you all to know, she is married with a beautiful, gorgeous daughter and lovely family. But I got to know how you got your guy.

It's a pretty crazy story.

We met in a dream. I had a dream about him before I met him in real life, so. So I was dating someone else at the time. It was not super serious and it was not exclusive, let me just say that. But I had been dating someone for about six weeks, and I was in that pattern of where it was good on paper, but the heart wasn't. I'm not sure. The body based stuff was also good, but I felt myself just kind of retreating a little bit and then reaching like that. Retreat and retreat, Retreat and then reach. Or the push and pull. Yeah. And he. He was pretty sarcastic. So I think my heart was just too sensitive for this person. And that's okay. They're a wonderful person, but just not the right match for me. But I was kind of struggling with letting them go because, you know, sometimes that's hard to do. Anyway, I was kind of meditating and asking my guides, and, you know, I'm into all of the spiritual stuff, so I was kind of exploring on a spiritual level what I should do next. And that night I had a dream. And in the dream, this person comes up to me, puts his hand on my heart, and says, joe, the person you've been dating, Joe's a 10 and you're a 100. What are you doing with that guy? So I woke up laughing, and I was like, okay, universe, I got the message like, I'm not supposed to be with Joe. Cool. And then three weeks later, I go to this event on lucid dreaming, and this guy walks up to me after the event, at the end of the event, because the event is all about dreaming. And he's like, I'm Jason and the rest is history. So I met him in a dream, then at an event on dreaming three weeks later. Because when he walked up to me, I was like, oh, my God, that's the guy from the dream. I didn't tell him because I didn't think. I didn't want him to think I was batshit crazy. But then on our first date, I did tell him. I was like, I have a story for you. And when I told him I met you in a dream and you told me to break up with the guy that I was seeing at the time. And here I am on A first date with you. I was a little scared of what he was gonna say, but he said, I was claiming you before I met you. I like it. So he was totally down and didn't judge me.

I love it. So when you guys first met, did he. What did that interaction look like?

So when he came up and approached in my head again, I was thinking, oh, my God, this is a guy from the dream. But I didn't disclose that.

How did you know? Did he, like, look similar or did you just felt it?

Yes, both. He looked similar, except I always say in the dream he had less hair and wire room glasses. It was almost like him in 15 years or something. Okay. In the dream, he looked a little older in the dream than how he looks in real life, but similar face, same height, same kind of presence and energy. And when he put his hand on my heart, it was like a big hand in the dream, and he also just says, like, a bigger guy. And so it just like. I just. Yeah, it's.

So he really did put his hand.

On your heart in the dream? In the dream, okay.

I was like, girl, what?

I woke up, and my heart felt warm, and I woke up laughing. I was like, this is ridiculous. But, like, whatever. I didn't think it was an actual person until. Until I met him. So when he walked up the. In the event, I had this, like, knowing that it was him because of how he looked and also his energy, but I didn't say anything. And then as we were talking, we were talking about, you know, kind of spiritual things because it was an event on dreaming, and turns out his friend was leading. It's not like he's big into dreaming like I am. He actually rarely has dreams. But his friend was the one who was leading the event, so he just came for moral support for one of his friends that he hadn't actually seen in years. So it's just this weird story, but I always like to tell my clients there were sparks, but different than the sparks that you think. We felt drawn to each other and interested in each other, but it wasn't like, oh, my God, I want to rip your clothes off. It was like, wow, this is really cool. I'm getting illuminated. I'm feeling connected. I want to learn more. There's something here, but it wasn't this head over heels, oh, my God sort of thing. I like to say we have our chakra system. The first, the upper chakras are about, like, spiritual connection and vision and expression and heart. I think it's good to start there like, if you don't respect the person, if you don't want to have a conversation with them, what good is it to have a sexual connection? So we really felt these. I felt these, like, sparks and this curiosity and this intrigue, but it wasn't like a oh, my God, I'm so smitten sort of energy.

Yeah. And.

When did you know that he was your guy? At that moment, or did it take a few dates later?

You know, I mean, ironically, it was much later because even though there were all the signs and quotations, I had been burned so many times by thinking, oh, my God, this person is the one. And after the third date, I'm fantasizing about the wedding. And then they just. They ghost me, you know? So I realized that even if I have a vision or a dream or a desire, that the person still needs to step up. The person still needs to treat me well.

I always say, you know, there's physical intimacy, there's emotional intimacy, and then there's practical intimacy. And as women, so often we disregard the practical. We're like, yeah, he only calls me once a week. But the emotional chemistry is really good, and the physical chemistry is really good. It's like, if he's not consistently making an effort with you, there is no relationship. So I had to make sure that there was the practical intimacy that things were saying. And we had some ups and downs. Like, the first few months, he wasn't sure he wanted a relationship. I was sure I wanted a relationship and to have kids. So we had some conversations that we had to navigate. And I actually tell my clients, until you're walking down the aisle or until you're engaged, please don't say, like, he's the one, because you just never know. And it's not that you can't say that, but when you do, you give your power away. It's you saying, there's only one person who can make me happy and fill my love life. So, you know, I think on it, on a spiritual level, I probably knew that this was something incredibly special. But it was probably.

I would say, like the summer. The summer. The summer we got engaged. We got engaged about five months after. Five months after becoming exclusive, like eight or nine months after we met. So it was, like, fast, but for me, like, perfect. So after we'd been dating about six months, it just started to feel really good and connected. There wasn't a particular moment other than we did talk about babies. And he was like, yes, I am going to put a baby in you. We weren't yet married, but I was like, oh.

We love a man with a plan, girl, we love a man with a plan.

Exactly. And so we didn't start trying then or anything, but it's like his vision and my vision aligned, and we had gone through enough of the rupture and the repair that we had built some foundational respect and that practical, practical closeness of dependability and integrity that we were both committed and both in it and both, you know, willing to be vulnerable and still keep going. So. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Thank you so much for sharing that. I think it's so beautiful.

It's interesting that you mentioned something about you being ready for a relationship and the guy not being ready for a relationship. Would you mind just sharing? Because I think that's the case so many times because I think women and men have different paces when it comes to getting ready to be exclusive. And what I know about Maslow's, you know, Maslow's hierarchy of needs and self actualization is that oftentimes people, men aren't ready because they haven't actualized themselves. And oftentimes that means, like, their career needs to be at a certain level so that they feel like they can provide and really be there for the amazing woman that is beside them. So what did those conversations look like? Like, in terms of I'm ready, you're not? Like, what did it look like?

Yeah, I mean, I am not someone to withhold my. My truth or what I want, especially after all the bumps and bruises that I had gotten in dating. So on our second date, we were both talking about, well, what do you want? And this is something I recommend, my clients actually proactively talk about is like, what do you love? What do you want in your life? Like, what is it that would light you up? And you're not particularly talking about a partner, but you're just getting a sense of, like, what does this person want to experience in their life in the next, like, few years or five years? And if someone lists off all these things and they say nothing about partnership, I'd get curious, like, oh, I noticed you have a bunch of really cool dreams and goals, and there's nothing in there about love or partnership. Is that something you're just not looking for right now? And then you get a chance to say, you know, I want to experience travel and this thing and promotion in my career, and I want to write a children's book, or I want to, you know, do a girls trip to Sedona, like, whatever your vision is. And you could say, and I want to be in a committed, amazing relationship or, and I want to start a family at some point. And. And then I tell my clients to always say it doesn't have to be with you. You know, we're not putting the pressure on the person, but we're just saying, here's what I want to create. Here's what you want to create. Is there any similarity? So when Jason and I had this conversation, at some point, it came up that he wasn't ready for a relationship. And I shared my heart. I was like, oh, I feel so sad hearing that because I feel really connected with you and, you know, I'm wanting this and I'm ready. But if you're not ready, like, let's just talk about what that means. And our second date, you know, we didn't make out or anything. Like, it wasn't a traditional. Like, we're getting closer and closer physically because I pulled back a little bit thinking, well, this person might not actually be ready. And I need to take that into consideration. But I also didn't cut it off thinking, well, like, okay, bye. You're not ready. You don't fit into my agenda piece. Because sometimes we are so rigid about that that I think we can miss out on the love that is there. And I don't want someone to wait for someone to be ready, but I also don't want them to be like, next, next, next. If the person could actually be in a great partnership, but they just have some things that they're continuing to tweak on. So I think it's important to ask, and I did ask Jason, what would you need in order to feel ready? And is it something that I can even influence? And most of the time it's not. So it's not personal if the guy doesn't want to commit. It's just something that he's working through. Jason had gotten out of a relationship a year prior and he hadn't felt like he had had enough time to be ready for a relationship. He's like, I just don't feel like I'm ready yet. I just got out of a four year long or five year long relationship a year, and I never expected to meet someone like you right now. I was still kind of in the dating world and just, you know, kind of getting ready and figuring out what I need and what I want, enjoying all of that. So, you know, it was hard, but I told him, like, okay, well, I'm going to keep seeing you, but I'm also going to keep dating other people. Because I can't put all my eggs in one basket if you're not also doing the same. Now, we did agree to be sexually exclusive, and that's kind of a baby step towards exclusivity that I recommend to my clients. So for some people, it feels good. For some people it doesn't. So, of course, take it for what it's worth. But, you know, we had been dating for a while, and we weren't boyfriend, girlfriend yet. He wasn't ready, but we were both ready to experience sex together. But I didn't want us to be sleeping with other people. It just didn't feel as good to me and safe to me. So we agreed that we would be sexually exclusive, but that we could still see other people, you know, for a coffee or a hike. And if we started seeing someone that we were sexually interested in, then we would need to tell the other person, hey, I'm starting to have strong feelings for this person. And then we would probably stop sleeping together during that period, you know, that never happened. We were able to stay sexually exclusive. I actually don't know if he ended up dating anyone else. I went on, like, two or three dates with two different people that it was never physical at all. But it helped me realize, like, I am not giving my power away. I'm not hopelessly waiting for this person, but I'm also not cutting them off. I'm gonna see what develops, and we're gonna keep getting closer. And the last thing I'll say is I kept telling him, it really hurts to not have your full heart. It really hurts to not be completely with you. I'm longing for this, whether this is with you or someone else. Like, to be physical with you and not have all of these other pieces of the puzzle is just so challenging with me. For me, I don't know how much longer I can do this, but I do really care for you. So I wasn't just like, yeah, it's cool. Whatever. You can come over and we can kick it. And like, bye. Like, I was just being totally transparent, but still taking care of myself by dating other people and being open to other. You know, I have clients who are like, I am so not comfortable with that. A, I'm waiting till marriage has sex, or B, I don't want to date multiple people. So I always say, circulate your energy. You don't have to circulate your energy with different men, but circulate your energy with your girlfriends or plan a trip for yourself or go to the museum or take a Class or, you know, explore a hobby. This person cannot be your source of pleasure and cannot be your source of lasting happiness. And you always have options, like, if you met someone amazing, you're going to meet someone even more amazing if you decide that this isn't the right one for you.

Definitely. It sounds like you were super vulnerable, which I absolutely love and is absolutely necessary to win at what I call this love game. So thank you so much for sharing your story. It's so beautiful, and I'm so happy for you. Now, for my listeners who want to learn and master their own pleasure principle, how can they get in contact with you, and how can they really connect with you and start working with you?

Of course, yeah, they can go to my website, which is violetlang.com and I have free consults or free discovery calls there. So it's violetlang.com talk or I have a podcast called the Pleasure Path, and especially the earlier episodes, because now I've just been branching out and talking to other new moms and all of this. But the first, like, I'd say 25 episodes are really focused on pleasure.

I love it. I love it. Love it. Violet, thank you so much for being on this podcast. This has been so much fun, and it has been very pleasurable for me.

Thank you. It's been so fun for me as well. I admire and respect your work, and it's so fun to connect in this way. And I just want to share one tiny tidbit that I forgot, which is that.

Jason did ask me after about. I think we've been dating about three months. He was like, thank you so much for being patient with me. I'm really ready. Like, I want you to be my person. Like, I'm. It's. It. And so it's not like you're gonna have to wait forever for a man to be ready to commit. Oftentimes, like, sometimes they're just a little bit slower than we are. However, at the time, I was like, I'm dating two other people. I'm not totally ready yet. And then I was really stressed because I was like, oh, am I messing this up? Needless to say, within, like, a week, I was like, you're the one. I'm. I'm, you know, like, this is it. Like, I don't want to see anyone else. But, you know, there was a bit of a friction. And I think sometimes we think, well, there can't be any friction and we can't have any differences. But. But being able to hold the differences. Like, you think this way I think this way, or you want this and I want that. And be able to stay connected through the differences and be vulnerable through the differences is what creates such a deep trust and admiration. So I just wanted to share. You know, it doesn't always have to be pleasurable. It shouldn't always be full of conflict. But, you know, there is this. I guess what I'm trying to say is commitment is an ongoing dialogue. Commitment is not often like a one time conversation and then everything is done. Like, it's an evolving process where you reveal more and commit more and reveal more and get closer and closer.

Yeah, thank you for continuing that because I literally 10 minutes before recording this podcast, had a client reach out to me and say, do you remember so? And so he's just come back and he's like, actually, no, now I want a committed relationship.

Right.

So to your point, it happens all the time. Right. Because of the different pace that we. That we go at.

Right.

When it comes to this relationship and love thing. Awesome. Well, Violet, thank you so much again for joining us. And, yeah, that's all I have to say. Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm so happy that you are on here and sharing all of your wisdom.

Oh, it's such a pleasure. You're such a great host and do such amazing work in the world. So thank you so much, Anwar.

Thank you. All right, y', all, I will speak with you the next time. Bye.

We met in a dream. I had a dream about him before I met him in real life. And so I was dating someone else at the time. It was not super serious and it was not exclusive, let me just say that. But I had been dating someone for about six weeks, and I was in that pattern of where it was good on paper, but the heart wasn't. I'm not sure. The body based stuff was also good, but I felt myself just kind of retreating a little bit and then reaching like that. Retreat and retreat, retreat and then reach or the push and pull. And he was pretty sarcastic. So I think my heart was just too sensitive for this person. And that's okay. They're a wonderful person, but just not the right match for me. But I was kind of struggling with letting them go because, you know, sometimes that's hard to do. Anyway, I was. I was kind of meditating and asking my guides and, you know, I'm into all of the spiritual stuff, so I was kind of exploring on a spiritual level what I should do next. And that night I had a dream and in the dream, this person comes up to me, puts his hand on my heart, and says, joe, the person you've been dating, Joe's a 10 and you're a 100. What are you doing with that guy? So I woke up laughing, and I was like, okay, universe, I got the message. Like, I'm not supposed to be with Joe. Cool. And then three weeks later, I go to this event on lucid dreaming, and this guy walks up to me after the event, at the end of the event, because the event is all about, you know, dreaming. And he's like, I'm Jason, and the rest is history. So I met him in a dream and then at an event on dreaming three weeks later. Because when he walked up to me, I was like, oh, my God, that's the guy from the dream. I didn't tell him because I didn't think. I didn't want him to think I was batshit crazy. But then on our first date, I did tell him. I was like, I have a story for you. And when I told him I met you in a dream and you told me to break up with the guy that I was seeing at the time, and here I am on a first date with you, I was a little scared of what he was gonna say, but he said, I was claiming you before I met you. I like it. So he was totally down and didn't judge me.

I love it. So when you guys first met.

What did that interaction look like?

So when he came up and approached in my head again, I was thinking, oh, my God, this is a guy from the dream. But I didn't disclose that.

How did you know? Did he, like, look similar or did you just felt it?

Yes, both. He looked similar, except I always say in the dream he had less hair and wire rim glasses. So it's almost like him in 15 years or something. Okay. Like in the dream, he looked a little older in the dream than how he looks in real life, but similar face, same height, same kind of presence and energy. And when he put his hand on my heart, it was like a big hand in the dream. And he also just says, like, a bigger guy. And so it just, like, I just. Yeah, it's so hard.

So he really did put his hand.

On your heart in the dream? In the dream. Okay. I was like.

I woke up and my heart felt warm and I woke up laughing. I was like, this is ridiculous. But, like, whatever. I didn't think it was an actual person until. Until I met him. So when he walked in the. In the event, I had this, like, knowing that it was him because of how he looked and all his energy. But I didn't say anything. And then as we were talking, we were talking about, you know, kind of spiritual things because it was an event on dreaming. And turns out his friend was leading. It's not like he's big into dreaming like I am. He actually rarely has dreams. But his friend was the one who was leading the event, so he just came for moral support for one of his friends that he hadn't actually seen in years. So it's just this weird story, but I always like to tell my clients there were sparks, but different than the sparks that you think. We felt drawn to each other and interested in each other, but it wasn't like, oh, my God, I want to rip your clothes off. It was like, wow, this is really cool. I'm getting illuminated. I'm feeling connected. I want to learn more. There's something here, but it wasn't this head over heels, oh, my God sort of thing. I like to say we have our chakra system. The first, the upper chakras are about, like, spiritual connection and vision and expression and heart. I think it's good to start there. Like, if you don't respect the person, if you don't want to have a conversation with them, what good is it to have a sexual connection? So we really felt these. I felt these, like, sparks and this curiosity and this intrigue, but it wasn't like, oh, my God, I'm so smitten sort of energy. Yeah.

And.

When did you know that he was your guy? At that moment, or did it take a few dates later?

You know, I mean, ironically, it was much later because even though there were all the signs and quotations, I had been burned so many times by thinking, oh, my God, this person is the one. And after the third date, I'm fantasizing about the wedding. And then they just. They ghost me, you know? So I realized that even if I have a vision or a dream or a desire, that the person still needs to step up. The person still needs to treat me well.

I always say, you know, there's physical intimacy, there's emotional intimacy, and then there's practical intimacy. And as women, so often we disregard the practical. We're like, yeah, he only calls me once a week. But the emotional chemistry is really good, and the physical chemistry is really good. It's like, if he's not consistently making an effort with you, there is no relationship. So I had to make sure that there was the practical intimacy that things were. And you know, we had some ups and downs. Like the first few months, he wasn't sure he wanted a relationship. I was sure I wanted a relationship and to have kids and, you know, so we had some conversations that we had to navigate. And I actually tell my clients, until you're walking down the aisle or until you're engaged, please don't say like, he's the one. Because you just never know. And, and it's not that you can't say that, but when you do, you give your power away. It's you saying, there's only one person who can make me happy and fulfill my love life. So, you know, I think on it, on a spiritual level, I probably knew that this was something incredibly special. But it was probably.

I would say, like the summer. The summer. The summer we got engaged. We got engaged about five months after. Five months after becoming exclusive, like eight or nine months after we met. So it was like, fast, but for me, like, perfect. So after we'd been dating about six months, it just started to feel really good and connected. There wasn't a particular moment other than we did talk about babies. And he was like, yes, I am going to put a baby in you. We weren't yet married, but I was like, oh.

We love a man with a plan, girl, we love a man with a plan.

Exactly. And so we didn't start trying then or anything, but it's like his vision and my vision aligned and we had gone through enough of the rupture and the repair that we had built some foundational respect and that practical, practical closeness of dependability and integrity that we were both committed and both in it and both, you know, willing to be vulnerable and still keep going.

So, yeah, thank you so much for sharing that. I think it's. It's so beautiful.

It's interesting that you mentioned something about you being ready for a relationship and the guy not being ready for a relationship. Would you mind just sharing? Because I think that's the case so many times. Because I think women and men have different paces when it comes to getting ready to be exclusive. And what I know about.

Maslow's hierarchy of needs and self actualization is that oftentimes men aren't ready because they haven't actualized themselves. And oftentimes that means, like, their career needs to be at a certain level so that they feel like they can provide and really be there for the amazing woman that is beside them. So what did those conversations look like? Like, in terms of I'm ready, you're not? Like, what did it look like?