Tuesday Tea 11/2/21

Hello, hello, hello everyone. Happy November to you. My name is Anwar White. I am the CEO and founder of get yout Guy Coaching and I help highly educated women of color get their guy find high quality men that they can date and be in a relationship with without.

People pleasing, without performing for love, just being your goddamn self. So.

Happy November to everyone out there.

I want you to think of November as a month where you can really just say no. Right? And I don't mean in that very dare drug situation that was thrusted down our throats when we were in elementary school, but really being able to set the boundaries that you need to feel powerful in your relationships.

So I hope you all are doing well. I am talking tonight about wealth and attractiveness in dating and why that's important to us because I don't think a lot of us really understand it and I thought it would be important for you all to get a good understanding of why we are looking for such things. So put in a comment if like, attraction is like one of the number one things to you and put in the comments if wealth is an important factor for you when you're looking at dating. I'm trying to get my Instagram together.

Because I can't see the comments now.

Yeah.

Why am I talking about this? I'm talking about this because in my last video, in my last.

Tuesday tea, I talked about how being in love is about being in like and being in lust. Right. And that there are some individuals that are going to focus on the lust part and there are going to be some individuals that are going to focus on the like part and.

The less part. When we're talking about attractiveness, I think it's really important for you to understand where that really comes from. Right. Again, your love journey is about figuring out why you like the things that you like and figuring out who you really are. And I want you to be super clear about that. And when it. We'll start with attraction. When it comes to actual attraction, I want you to understand that it comes from a very tribal place. Right. Back in caveman and cave women days, we were looking at the most attractive individuals to see if those would be the people that would be able to make sure that we have strong children. Right. That.

Our children would survive. And that's how we focused on who we were going to mate with. Right. And it's kind of stayed with us this entire time, which is like really interesting. Why am I talking about this? I'm talking about this because I want you to know why you think somebody's hot, right? That it comes from a very tribal place, that this means this guy's attractive. We also ascribe, like, different characteristics or qualities to people that we find attractive. Like, this is well known within research. So for the people that we find attractive, we think that they are better socially, have more charisma, are smarter, are more successful in their career, all of those things. But when you look at the actual data, it's this notion called.

Like, beautiful is good, right? Where if we see something that we think is beautiful, it basically elevates who they really are. So in our brains, we think that someone attractive is actually much better than who they are. Right? Someone's hot, he's got to have everything going for him. But actually, the research says otherwise. The research actually says that he is no different than your average Joe, right? That he is.

Actually.

Not as considerate because he hasn't had to be. Right. That he is, like, when we talk about statistics since I was a stats undergrad, that he, this really attractive guy that you think is hot doesn't really. He's not significantly better than the other guys that are out there.

I think it's important to understand that not just that he doesn't have the qualities, but also when it comes to relationship outcomes. Because I'm in the business of getting people into an amazing relationship and getting people married in the safest, most healthiest relationships that they can be in. Last week I had a client get married. This week I had a client get into an amazing, exclusive relationship. So these things are happening on a weekly basis for me and the clients in my prayer program. And so this is how I think about it. This is how I look at it. And I want to make sure that we're looking at this in a way that's going to be super successful and serve you in your love journey. Right? I also want to think about attractiveness and relationship outcomes, right? Which is.

Are these relationships safer, meaning more stable? Are there more. Is there more satisfaction? Is there a lesser degree of divorce happening with attractive people? The answer is no, that it's not better. That the actual relationships are pretty much the same whether someone is attractive or not. Right? There's not a significant difference. One thing that has been in the research is that traditionally people view more attractive people as being not as good parents. Maybe they're self absorbed, I don't really know. But the research, the research states that.

When we look at this from a gender perspective, it's mostly men that are looking for looks and women that are looking for money. And then looks. Right. Which, again, I wanted to talk about wealth as well, because I think that's something that's really important when we're thinking about how we want to partner with someone or who we want to partner with and.

What we make wealth mean. Right. So let's talk about that for a second.

Because I hear it all the time when I have consultations with my clients. Right. I want somebody who makes a certain amount of money. I want somebody who has something going for themselves. I'll hear a lot of things. And let me know if this is you as well when you think about your partner. I want someone who has a college degree. I also hear I want someone who's intelligent. What else do I hear? I hear people talk about. I want someone who.

I'm trying to think mostly money.

Intelligent, cultured, travels a lot. All of those things. Right. The reality of, like, all of those things, intelligence, have the degrees is that when we say those things, ultimately what we are doing is saying we want someone with money. I'm not here to shame anyone who wants to be with someone with money, but I do want you to understand why you do that. Right.

Again, if we go back to tribal, caveman, cave woman days, someone that had the ability to create for his family meant that they were safer, that they were going to live longer from any of the external threats that were going to be out there. But that was back in the cavemen and cavewoman days. We're in 2021, where, especially for most of my clients and most of the people out there that actually have IG and Facebook.

Those threats are not as significant as they were back then. Right. Even though, like, again.

Inside, like, tribally, like these human urges that you're going to have, you're. You're naturally going to want men that have a lot of money, right? Because it means safety. It means that my children will survive. Right. All of these different things. It also is coming from. And I want to speak specifically to women of color here. It also speaks to.

A money wound, right. This scarcity mindset that we have often. And I say that because oftentimes we're always thinking about, even if I'm making money now, something might happen and I might lose it all. I need someone that's going to be that safety net for me.

Why do we think like this? Well, we think like this because oftentimes when our families were growing up, right. I'll use the example of black families who have a 10th or an 11th of the, like, wealth of a white family that Money was a very important situation and it actually led to personal stress and then relationship stress. Right. As we were growing up. Please leave in a comment. If your parents or your, your single parent had money issues and it affected like the way that like you grew up. If there were any fights or anything like that because of money, I want to hear about it.

Because this is what happens, right? We think, oh my God, I never want to be like my parents because they had all of these issues with money and it was tight and I never want to have those issues. I get it. I understand that. But the other thing that I want you to also understand is that one, you're probably not making the level that your parents are making because you grew up with different opportunities. So you probably are making more than them. One, two, the research actually says that money issues happen when you are close to the poverty line, which is $32,000 in the US right? Anything at the 60k mark, household income and 70k and more. Those issues. Actually, you don't see that. Right. The divorce rate for someone who makes a household that makes less than $40,000 a year is around 50%, 60%, households that make 60, 75, 100K, closer to 20, 25% divorce rate. Right. It's not because I have money, so I'm happier though. It's because we don't have the stresses of not having money, if you understand what I mean. That brings on the personal stress and therefore the relationship stress. Right? So why am I saying this? I'm saying this because you're probably already at a certain level where.

You won't actually need someone to like, save you or to have money. Right. You're already outside of the danger zone, I'm pretty sure. Right? So. And again, that's 80% of people out here. So I understand that there is a very primal urge in nature to want to find a man who has money and that you feel that that's going to be a safety net and that's going to make you happy and the relationship is going to be better because you have money. The research says different. It says there's no significant difference in relationship outcomes. There's not more satisfaction if there's money. There's not more stability. The divorce rates are like, somewhat similar when it comes to whether you make 75k or 750k. Your happiness level stays the same.

Right. So I just wanted to kind of mention that because I think that we have these different ideas about attraction or attractiveness and wealth and how that's going to Potentially make relationship better. And it actually doesn't. Right. So now what I want to do, I want to step back a second because, you know, for the highly educated women that I work with, the women of color, it is really interesting and I say this to a lot of my clients and I'll share it with you tonight, that.

Oftentimes, for most of your life, you've been creating a certain brand of yourself, right. Hard working, really smart, not a statistic, not average. Right. And when you're dating and when you're looking for a relationship, the other thing that you know, you're probably thinking about is that this person, whoever he is, is going to have to align with my brand perfectly and be just like my, my brand, right? Or as I call it, I'm looking for my clone. When in reality you need to be looking for your compliment. Right? A yin to your yang, masculine and feminine balance.

Because.

We think that society and the people around us have a certain expectation of what your partner is supposed to look like. Be like work, work for, you know, jobs, career, companies.

And I've been doing this for quite a while. And what I know for sure is that we think that our families and friends are going to judge us harshly if our partner.

Doesn'T have a grad degree, doesn't have a degree, doesn't have.

You know, tons and tons of money or looks a certain kind of way. He's not a nine. Maybe he's a seven to everyone else, but he's a nine to you. And we get really scared that they're going to judge us. Right. Again, those tribal urges of feeling like you're being rejected from the tribe and banished, you know, back then it meant death. And so rejection often feels like that for us. I know that that's how sometimes we end up feeling when we are trying to be open minded and talk to people that might not look like or be the idealized version of what you think everybody else wants you to be with or even you want to be with.

I've been doing this for a while and what I know is that your guy is probably like 90, 95% of time going to look and be different than what you imagined. But it will be the best thing for you and I want you to be open to that. Right. This is why we're having this conversation. We're having this conversation because your guy might not make 120k a year. He might make 80. Your guy may not be a 9, he might be a 7, but might be the most amazing thing that's ever happened to you and you find him hot and attractive and that's the only thing that matters. Am I saying settle? No, I'm not. What I am saying though is that I want you to be open to something that's going to look and be different than what you might imagine. And I want you to open up the possibility of how that package can make you happy or happier than you could have ever imagined. Okay. All right. I hope that was helpful. As we think about attractiveness, wealth.

Dating, relationships, your brand and what you think that looks like and how you're trying to make it align with another person.

Because a lot of these things actually hinder you from finding love. And I'm in the business of helping my clients find their forever plus one right. The people that they can be in a safe, healthy, long term relationship with none of these two month relationships. Right? Yeah. Good. I hope that this was helpful. Something's going on that's really weird with my IG and I don't know, like I can't see any of the comments.

So I'm so sorry if you are commenting and I'm not able to see it.

Let me see.

See if I can start seeing any of these comments. I'm not great with technical stuff, so let's see what this is. Yeah, I don't know what's going on. They say they're trying out a simpler version of Live and they turned off a few features.

They control us, y'. All. They control us.

Anyway, I wanted to share that with you. The other thing that I want to share with you is that my podcast is season three is coming on Thursday. So please, please, please, please subscribe and follow the getyourguy Coaching podcast. We are going to have amazing guests on the podcast this season about intuition, about nice girl, about narcissism. I'll obviously have my clients on there talking about their amazing journeys and how they got their guy. We are talking about trying to think of other things. Narcissism, co parenting, all of those things. Career, executive coaching, all of those things. Because how you do one thing is how you do everything. And I am in the business of making sure that highly educated women of color win when it comes to love and relationships. So the other thing that I wanted to share with you all is that in the new year I'm opening up my group coaching program. I want to make things more accessible for a ton of people that have been reaching out to me but maybe can't afford the private one on one coaching. The group coaching is going to be an amazing container of women who are looking to get their guy in 2022. I'm starting that in January, but I will be taking applications in November and December for a first cohort of just 10 women. So if you are interested in that, please send me a DM and I will talk all about it. I'm really excited about this. I am beefing up my online program. I'm giving like at least twice as much information as I had before just based on the current learnings and how things are changing in dating and relationships right now. Post I'll say during and post pandemic. So I'm so excited about this group program and the other amazing thing about the group program is that I have a promise for the women that are in there that you will get supported and stay supported until you get your guy. So if that takes six months, that's generally a six month container. But if it takes longer than that, we're going to support you until you get your guy. Whether it's a year or two years. I am super confident about the work that I do with my clients and I know that if you're in this group coaching program, you're going to succeed in love. Because we do things a completely different way, a different approach and in doing that we get amazing results.

So again, if you're interested in that group program, let me know. If you are someone who is like I don't know if I want my business out to other people, I totally respect and understand that as well. That's why I still have some private one on one coaching sessions available. So you can also let me know if you are interested in that. You can always book a free consultation call with me. The address for that is www.getyourguycoaching.com apply and we'll talk about your love life. I had someone who I did a consultation with post in her stories how it was one of the most amazing things that she experienced. And you know, we get, I go into trenches with you and we talk about it, right? Most people get emotional, start crying because why do I, why do I do consultations like a coaching session? Most of my, my entrepreneur business friends tell me that I shouldn't do it this way but I do it because I think it's important for you to truly understand some of the.

Kind of the voids right. And the opportunities for you to do the work. And I do that so that you know that you're talking with an expert here. I've seen it all. I know exactly what's going on with you probably within the first five minutes and talking with you. And I know exactly the work that you're going to need to do. And the consultation calls are a really great opportunity for me to show you that you are in great hands. And everything that you need, we're going to be able to provide in doing the necessary work. I think that women, especially women of color, have all of the answers inside of them. And my job as a coach is to help you access them. My job is not to give you answers. Right. I am not the kid in the front of the class giving everybody my test answers. That's not what this is about. This is me helping you and tutoring you almost. Right. So that you have frameworks and ways in which you can approach different situations so that you can. You're never going to feel like, I don't know what to do in this situation, that you can have the confidence to know that. To know exactly what to do in every situation. It's funny.

Oftentimes because of my clients who don't maybe don't have a lot of experience might be feeling a little bit insecure. The first month or so is just us kind of getting to know each other. Right. Especially for my private one on one clients because they've never had someone that they could trust. Right. And maybe that's been your experience as well where maybe you were never listened to as a child or you don't have a lot of experience when it comes to this part of your life where you don't even talk about your love life with anybody. Right. And so it takes people a while, even when they hire me, to actually let their walls down. And again, if you don't have your walls down, if you're not willing to be vulnerable and set boundaries, it's going to be very difficult for you to get into an amazing relationship. Okay. Again, reach out via DM if you want to talk to me more about your love life and how we can up level it. And I will check you all out on the flip side. Alrighty.

Much love to you all.

Bye. Bye. Bye.