What You Actually NEED in a Relationship!

Hey, girl. Welcome to the get yout Guy Coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week you'll hear actionable advice, tips, and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively, and understanding men so that you can, you guessed it, get your guy. Are you ready to level up your love life? All right, let's go. I never felt the way I do without anyone but you.

Hello, hello. Hello, everyone. Hello, hello, hello. I hope you are doing well tonight. On this Friday evening, I wanted to come on here and talk a little bit about your needs versus your wants and relationships. And for those of you who don't know me, my name is Anwar White. I am the CEO and founder of get yout Guy Coaching. I'm the founder and the CEO of Get yout Guy Coaching. And I help smart and successful women get their entire lives when it comes to their love life, right? Get into amazing relationships, get clarity and confidence, and meet amazing men. So that's what I do. Hey, hey, hey, hey. My comments are finally working. Thank God.

So I wanted to come on here tonight because I wanted to share with you something that I actually do with a lot of my clients to help them understand the difference between what they want and what they actually need in a relationship. Right. Why am I doing this? I'm doing this because it's interesting. I think that a lot of women think that they know what they want. And no shade, all tea. Many of us don't. We don't know because we don't have the experience. And generally, what we feel that we want probably came from an idealized version of what we were fed as we were growing up. Whether that was Disney movies, Rom coms, and a lot of the things that are on our dream list are actually.

Something that we made up in high school, college. Right? And so part of this work is to get into our grown woman status and actually understand what we need in this chapter of our life. As I've been saying, this whole series is about focusing on your new love chapter. And I'm hoping that this session will give you clarity in terms of what you want versus what you need. Okay, so we're gonna go through an exercise. I hope that you'll have some patience with me, and this will, I hope, help you get a true understanding of what I actually need in a relationship. Wants are different than needs, right? Wants are all about, what do I want right now? What's gonna make me happy? In the next year, right? Versus needs are the things that are going to sustain you for decades when it comes to a relationship, right. I always think about this as.

Prom date versus long term partner, right? So our prom date, we want him to look good, handsome, tall, look good in a suit, right? Maybe have a little bit of money so he can get a limousine so he can take me to the prom. All of those things, right? A long term partner, though, that is going to be different. You're going to need something else to hold you down. And so we're going to go through that and help you realize what are the things that you're actually looking for. All right, why do I say this? I say this because men and women look for different things. And what I know about doing this work for so long is that so many smart and successful women that I work with initially are looking for a clone of themselves, right? Someone that is just as educated, has this same or more amount of education and money and they have to have a certain height and all of these different things. They need to be funny and they need to be ambitious. Those are the wants, right? Those are the things that I think a lot of people want because it feels good, because it's going to be aligned with the amazing brand that they have cultivated for themselves as they've, you know, led their own life, right? They've done, they've been stellar in school and in their careers and they need someone to reflect that, right. Even though this sounds harsh to say, it's almost like a trophy husband, right? That power couple, that Barack, that Michelle, right? That actually is an idealized version and doesn't really reflect the different needs that you may have. Here's the thing, in my consultation calls, I ask every woman that I talk to, what's on your dream guy checklist? What do you want? Like, what do you need? Right? And they go through the height, they go through the ambition, they go through the career, the education. And I'm like, okay, girl, that's cute, right? You want a guy that's 6ft tall, okay? Roughly 13% of guys are 6ft tall or taller. You want a guy that has six figures, no problem. That's 9% of the men out there, right? You want someone who has a graduate degree, that's another 15% of guys out there or so, right? And when we look at the population from 30 and 50 years old of men, that's roughly 40% of men out there. When you do all of the mathematics, because I was a statistics major when I was an Undergrad, you realize that.

Really when you check all of those different boxes, you're looking at like 1% of men, actually less than 1% of men.

How in hell are you going to find someone when you have these wants that actually are not serving you? Right? And that's not even taking into account that these men are actually going to be checking for you and want to be with you.

So I want us to be clear about how our wants are cute, but it's our needs that are going to actually fulfill us and give us a long term sustainability and a positive relationship outcome and stability. Okay. So. And this is one of the exercises that I do with my clients. But I think it's important for you to get some clarity around this about what you need. Because clarity gives you confidence. And if you have confidence in your love life, you're going to be able to rock it out. You're going to be able to set the boundaries that you're going to need to set. You're going to need to be, you're going to be able to be vulnerable in the moments that you need to be vulnerable to create connection. And that's what we're here to do. Right? The clarity gives you confidence. The confidence gives you the boundary and the vulnerability. And through that, that can also give you the femininity that will attract your guy and get your guy. Okay? So this exercise is all about clarity. So I want you to think about the top five things that you're looking for a guy and put them in the chat. Right. It can be anything and everything. And here's the thing, your wants are valid. I'm not saying they're horrible, but what I am saying is that I don't think that we should prioritize them as the number one thing. What I think we should do is understand that these things that you want are, are great, but they are secondary. That there are other things that are actually going to fully serve you. And I want to go over those with you. Okay, awesome. So put anything that you have in the chat in terms of what you want, whether it is someone that is funny. Right. Someone who is adventurous, anything that you think is, you know, that's been on your dream guy checklist. And don't be shy just because I called some of your things out. This is an important exercise because I think that this will highlight the disconnect in terms of what you've been looking for and what you actually need. Right? Yeah. Because what you may be looking for may not actually sustain the long lasting relationship that you're yearning for. Okay.

Got it. Okay. So let's talk about what you actually need, girl. What do you need in a relationship? And I will be 100% honest with you. Part of the work that I do with my clients revolves around the parental relationships. So one of the things that I want to challenge you to think about right now are what are the top three things that you have been yearning for from your parental relationships but you were not able to receive? Right. This is important. I want you to think about this.

I'm seeing some things in the comments. Effective communication. Emotionally intelligent.

Right. Healed. Integrity. Character. Yeah. So I want you to think about this. What are the top three things that you wanted from your parents that you were never able to have? Right. They were not able to give to you. Now, this is work that you're gonna have to be 100% honest about. Some people feel like I can't talk about my parents that way. And I want to help you distinguish and differentiate. Talking about them and then also talking about your experience of them. That's about you. Right. They could be fine people, but if you experience neglect, both of those things can actually live in this world. Right. So what have you experienced of them that you. That you wish you didn't, or something that you wish you had experienced from them? Right.

Honesty, Communication. I'm getting a lot of that in the chat. That's great. Good. So I'm gonna talk to you about certain themes. Right. And if these themes resonate with you, I want you to write them down for yourself. Okay. This is important because this is going to give you the clarity that you need to be able to evaluate men and to be able to say, if this person is hitting all of these different marks, if you should enter into a relationship with them. Right. If this man is worthy of being in a relationship with you, if he's hitting the things that you need in a relationship. Okay. The first one is attention. And when I say attention, I'm talking about did your parents spend time with you for no particular reason? Did they notice and respond to your moods? Did they listen to you?

Did they try to understand things from your perspective? So if any of those things you were missing in your parental relationship, I want you to write down attention. Okay.

Second theme. The encouragement of your talents. Did your parents recognize your talents? Did they validate them? Did they support them to grow? If not, I want you to write that down as well. The encouragement of your talents.

The next one, the next theme that I want you to think about. Protection. Right. Did they Protect you from hostile behaviors, from siblings, from the world, from one another, from the other parent. If not, then I want you to write protection as one of the things that you need in a relationship. Okay, the next thing that I want to talk about now is being cherished. And when I say being cherished, what I mean is, did they appreciate you? Did they take joy in your presence in the world? As Toni Morrison once said, did their eyes light up when you entered the room? If not, I want you to write down being cherished. Okay, the next theme that I want to talk about. Respect of boundaries. Now, when I say this, I'm talking about do they honor your privacy? Right. Did they protect your right to say no? Were you able to say no to them that you didn't like certain things or not? Right.

If not, I want you to write down respecting your boundaries. Okay.

Next theme. Nurturing. Now, when I say nurturing, I'm talking about, did they soothe you when you were disappointed? Did they give you loving, physical touch on a regular basis?

Were they kind for no reason? If you didn't get any of this right, or very little of it, I want you to write down nurturing as something that you need in your relationship.

Next thing, basic hygienic care, like washing your body, doing laundry, caring for your teeth. Now, if that was not happening in your household as like, you were growing up, I want you to write that down. And I know a lot of people are like, oh, my God, I can't believe that you would be surprised how different people have grown up. We all have an experience and all have a history, and sometimes that's not the case. And so, for example, for this basic hygienic care, what will happen is that.

People who grow up that way will actually look to the partner to run the entire household because they don't know how to keep things clean. Right? Yeah. Which is really about not respecting your body. Yeah. So they will allow their partners to disrespect their body and dirty it up. Right. So this is important. All of these themes are connected to something. Okay? The next theme is consistency and dependability. Right. So did your parents keep their word? Did life have a predictable rhythm? Did you know that you could count on them?

If you are missing a lot of this, this consistency and dependability, I want you to write this down as well. Right. In your relationship needs column. Okay? And then the last one, Unconditional love. Right. Now, when I say unconditional love, I'm talking about loving you without needing you to perform in return.

I also mean loving you without trying to impose their unfulfilled needs onto you. Okay? Now, if that was the case, if they were loving you and you had to perform for it, for grades, for a job, for anything, or they were trying to make you into the sports superstar that they never were. I want you to write down unconditional love. Right? So I'm just going to review some of the themes that we talked about. Attention, encouragement of talents. Protection, being cherished, respecting your boundaries, Nurturing, basic hygienic care, consistency and dependability. Unconditional love. Oh, I forgot one more. The last one being basic life skills. Now, when I say basic life skills, I'm talking about managing a checkbook or bank account, you know, paying the bills, upkeep on the car and the home. If you didn't have that in your household growing up, write that one down, too. Basic life skills.

Now, I want you to actually list out some in the chat. Let me know exactly which one of these or what themes really resonated with you that you did not receive as you were growing up from your parents. Right. Because I am here to tell you those are the things, those are the needs that you will have in your relationships. And those are quite different than he has to be 6ft tall and ambitious and funny. Because those things that you wanted are actually not going to help you get the relationship that's going to last forever. Those things are going to be cute for a couple of years.

These things, these themes that I've talked about right now, if we can find these specific themes in your next guy, that is what we're going to be looking for. And it's going to be different for every woman. Right? I do this exercise with my clients every week for, you know, every client. And it's always different. There's always a different combination because everyone's grown up different. I think sometimes we think that we all are looking for the same thing. We are not.

We have different needs. And those needs need to be respected. So I'm hoping that this gives you clarity in terms of what you need in a relationship. So I will speak for myself, right? For me, consistency and dependability was something that was really important for me. My father abandoned me quite early, and so there would be moments where he would try to come back into my life and say, hey, I want to pick you up. Hey, I want to do this. He would never come. Or also, my mom was working so much, she never came to any of my athletic activities. So it was like varsity tennis, varsity basketball, captain, all of these different things never came to it, even though she said she was going to. So it was hard for me. The consistency and the dependability was hard. Right.

For me, it was also a little bit of that unconditional love, meaning I felt like I had to perform that I had to be perfect because I was black and gay. So I had to get straight A's and I had to go to the best schools and I had to do all of these different things, Right? Yeah. For me, it was also attention, attention because my mom was so busy, she was working so much, and then she was a giver, so she was giving her time and energy to so many different things and helping so many different people that I didn't feel like I had a lot of attention.

Right.

So those were my major three. But I want you to highlight what your top three to five themes were that you needed, and I want you to write them down in your journal or a piece of paper, and I want you to remember those things because those are the things that you need, and those are the things that I want you to evaluate men on moving forward. Okay.

Why is this important? This is important because.

He can be a great guy and also not hit your knees.

Right.

These are the things that I want you to be observing that good guys can also not be a match.

The other side of this that I want us to be super clear about is also that if you're dating a guy and he is.

Doing good and hitting half of your needs, but maybe not the other half, this means that you're going to have to be clear and vulnerable and make requests and set boundaries about how you want to be treated. If you're the thing that you were missing out on in terms of your.

Relationship needs, what you were yearning for from your parents, let's say, protection, and for you to feel protected. You want to be holding his hand when you're outside, or you want to. You want to make sure that he's walking near the street. Right. This means that you are going to have to communicate those needs to him because he's not a mind reader. And he's not going to know, because as we've established already, every woman is different. Every woman has a different experience, which means that every woman is going to have different relationship needs. So it means you're going to have to communicate to him because there are going to be some women that aren't going to want that, but he's not going to know that until you tell him that. This is why this clarity is so important. Erica says this exercise is phenomenal, girl. This is one of the many exercises that I do with all of my clients. That's why they have phenomenal clarity and that's why they can engage with men and know exactly what they want and know if this guy is hitting it or not. Right? One of the many exercises, right? And I know they don't teach you this stuff, girl. No one teaches women about what they really need. You have a lot of magazines talking about what you should want, what you should desire, but this is really focusing in on you and what you need. And this is why I do what I do. I know that women are so powerful and my work is really just to help show them their own power because all of these needs are going to help you engage with men in such a confident way. And that is what is most important here. Okay?

So I hope that this exercise was really great for you and gave you some clarity in terms of what you're looking for and what you need. There are more exercises like this if you decide to come and engage and work and really focus on being coachable and getting into my program, which is starting at the beginning of the new year, but applications close on the 17th of December, so we have about two weeks. If you are interested in the group program that is going to be starting the first Sunday of January for 2022 to get your entire life and get your guy in 2022, I want to invite you to book a free consultation. Call with me. The website or the URL is www.getyourguycoaching.com. apply and we'll talk about your personal journey and how we're going to help you get your guy next year. Okay? I love you all so much. I hope that this was helpful for you as you start to really think about what you need in a relationship and not just what you want. And yeah, be well, my loves. Talk to you soon. Bye now.

Hey, girl. Thank you so much for listening to the get yout Guy coaching podcast. If you like this episode and want to talk with me personally, please book a free consultation at www.getyourguycoaching.com apply or subscribe and leave me a review. Wherever you listen to your podcasts, talk.