Why and How You Are Doing Too Much in Love!

Hello. Hello. Hello. How are you? Oh my God. I haven't talked to you guys in so long. Did you miss me? I hope you did. Anyway, my seat is a little bit creaky. Hello everyone. For those that don't know me, my name is Anwar White. I am the CEO and founder of get yout Guy Coaching. And so I, I help amazing high achieving women who may be a bit sensitive, date like queens with strategy. Right. And meeting high quality men so that they can get into the best relationships of their lives. So if that's something that's of interest to you, we should be talking. I'm glad that you're here. So many people that are coming up. Sorry, I had a client be reaching out to me. My clients talk to me on so many occasions. So thank you so much for joining me, everyone. I just came on here randomly without really announcing it, but I wanted to come on here because.

I think a lot of us. I wanted to talk about doing too much. Who is busy up in here? Who is doing.

Too much physically, emotionally, intellectually, energetically.

Spiritually? Who is doing too much? Why am I talking about this? I'm talking about this because, you know, when I'm talking with all of my clients all around the world, one of the major commonalities that I'm seeing is that so many people are doing too much, too much that we actually have to stop them from doing what they normally would do in dating and love and relationships. You know, I have a special way that I teach my clients how to date and it is often about not doing as much as you probably are used to doing that. For one of my clients, I have to tell her, girl, no, we're not going to be doing that. We're not going to be doing this. We're not going to be reaching out. We're not going to be initiating texts or phone calls or any of that.

I teach all of my clients a special way to date online. It's called my 3, 2, 1 funnel and it's a great way to be in full control of your dating process. This is where the strategy part comes in. There are so many women out there that don't have a strategy when it comes to dating. Please let me know in the chat. Do you have a strategy for dating? Let me know. Do you have a process from going from first conversation to first date or first date to exclusive relationship? Do you have a thing that you do each and every time to help you evaluate, vet, filter men?

If not, if not, girl, what are we doing? What are we Doing? Yeah, I'm seeing a lot of no's. No, I don't.

Girl.

I want you to take a step back for a second and think about what you do professionally. Right? You may be a teacher or a nurse or a lawyer or a doctor or engineer or a businesswoman or anything like that, Right? Would you ever go into your job, go to your desk or to your working place and not have a strategy?

I'm pretty sure that the answer is no. No, I would have to have a strategy for everything that I do. If you're a mom, you have a strategy in terms of parenting your children. But for some reason in dating, you don't have a strategy. This is why having a strategy is so important. Because if you don't have a strategy.

You won't be in control of your love life.

And you won't know what to do at every step of the way. Right? Here's what I want you to know. Women are the leaders of their relationship. They set the pace and they set the emotional depth of each and every relationship that they have.

Right?

So you've got to know where you want this relationship to go and where you want it to lead. If you don't.

You won't know where you're going and you won't have full control of it. I always say that in relationships, it's like driving a car. Men are driving the car, women are in the passenger seats with the gps. Without the gps, there's no direction. So you've got to know where you want to go and how. How long you want it to actually take to get there. And if you don't have that information, you don't have the emotional skills to navigate that. It's going to be hard to actually lead. Right? As a woman, you're actually the leader of your relationships.

So this is why it's important to have a strategy. If you don't have a strategy, girl, you. Girl, you're not even in the passenger seat. You're in the trunk, girl. And what did Oprah say on her show? Never let them take you to that second location.

Girl, you're in the trunk. You're not even. You're not even in the backseat. You can't even be a backseat driver. You in the trunk being taken without any sort of say or anything. Yeah, I'm serious, girl. You think I'm playing games with you? Talk to all your friends. And you probably had the experience as well. In the trunk, just being taken. Talk to me, people. Don't act shy. We're all Family here.

Have you been taken in the trunk before in your relationships? No. Say completely in the dark, don't know where you are, don't know who's taking you, don't know who you are, don't know how you got there. Yes.

I'm being a little bit funny, but I'm also being serious. Right. You need to know, you need to have a strategy in terms of how you're meeting these people and how you are progressing these relationships. Right. Because I would never want you to be in a position like that. These things are not taught. Right. So obviously.

You won't necessarily know what to do. Right. They don't teach you this in school. I'm sure your mother doesn't teach you how to date, and your friends don't really teach you how to date. Where do we learn about dating?

Disney movies, Rom coms, media.

As a third party, watching our friends date.

Having relationships modeled from our parents and our family and our friends and our circle, our community. And some, if not most of those are probably a bit unhealthy. So those aren't good models to begin with. Right.

So I'm saying all this because I think it's important for you to understand that.

Some of these things are learned and that's okay. Right?

Just like anything else, if you want to learn it, whether it's going to university or going to getting a certificate or, you know, something else, it needs to be learned.

When I'm talking about doing the most, you can never do the most when it comes to investing in yourself.

But what I do see often is that there are so many women out there that are doing the absolute most for these men. Right.

Giving him gifts. Oh, I was just on a phone call.

On a consultation, and again, not just my clients, but my potential clients are talking about how she's giving her guy these Versace watches and all of these different specific things.

He's giving her nothing. Oh, he'll give her some flowers on her dime, right? That's a no. No. That's a no. No. Why do we do that? Why do we give?

I have a theory, and that theory is that we learn to give from our mothers and our grandmothers.

Because they gave so much to us.

And we think that giving equals love, that I have to give everything to you.

And that is how I show you love. Please let me know in the chat if that has been your. Your way that you operate, your love, that you're giving your time, you're giving your energy, sometimes you're giving your money. You're giving anything and everything.

Here's what I want to offer to you.

So many women.

Have had to sacrifice themselves, especially in our, you know, earlier generations, because they had to.

That they weren't just giving to you as children. They were giving to their, their work. They were giving to their community, to their church, to their husbands.

And they weren't giving to themselves that they were doing all of this for other people, but they weren't doing anything for themselves.

And I'm pretty sure that most of you all are doing the same thing.

This stuff is generational, right? These are some of the curses that we have to break in 2022. So when I say you're doing too much, I mean it. You're probably doing too much for other people because you think that's what love is and that's how you express love. But not just that, that's how you express love, but that's how you also receive love. Right. When you're growing up and your mother is giving you all of these things, you love her more than anything else in this world. Right. Or at least most of us do.

So in our brains, the way that we want to receive that unconditional love is that we're going to give. And in our minds, we think if I give to them, they will unconditionally love me just like I did for my mother. Yeah.

In dating and relationships, it doesn't work like that.

I want to repeat myself. In dating and relationships, it doesn't work like that. Especially when you are dating a man.

Why? One thing that you may not know, but I'm here to tell you because I love spilling lots of tea is that giving is a masculine, energetic trait.

Right. Let me see. Many aren't taught to put themselves first, including self love. So true. So true. But my point is, our mothers and our grandmothers did that. You don't have to.

And if you're doing it, you're following their path forward. And that is a very difficult, hard path to move forward in.

Why am I saying I'm saying this because I literally working with women all around the world to deprogram them from thinking this way and to do it a different way, an easier way that feels better. Right.

That's why I'm talking about this.

So when we are thinking about how do I love and how do I become love.

I want you to be thinking about it in a different way. You don't have to give. Like I was saying before, that's a masculine trait. That's masculine energy. Giving is providing.

Giving is providing. And the masculine energy is the one that provides.

Yeah, unfortunately, especially if you're a woman of color or a black woman, there are a lot of single mothers out there. You have a lot of mothers that had to work, a lot of grandmothers that had to work to make sure that there was a roof over our heads and a bed to lay on.

So they had to do. They had to give, they had to provide.

Our white counterparts didn't have to do that. They could be homemakers and be okay.

But when you were making 50% of what your white counterpart was making, both parents had to work. Or if you had just a single mother, she had to work and she had to be there for you at home.

So it felt like she was just giving, giving, giving, giving. She didn't have a choice. In 2022, you have a choice. I know you don't need some random dude telling you that, but I'm just going to say it anyway to remind you to open up that possibility for you so that you are very clear that you don't have to give to be loved, and you don't have to give to show love. You get to actually just be.

Be. Just be. You just be lovely. You don't have to do anything. I know that sounds so random. I know that sounds like, so, like, dude, you're, like, crazy. I don't even know what that means. Be.

Being.

Is feeling.

And doing the things that you like and not doing the things that you don't like. Being where your pleasure is your first priority.

People are like, what does that look like in dating?

It looks like if someone says something to me that makes me feel uncomfortable.

Then I don't smile and laugh. I let them know that makes me feel uncomfortable.

I'm not telling him what he can or cannot do. I'm just sharing with him what I like and what I don't like.

And then I give him the space and the opportunity to make it better, to give me pleasure. Yeah.

You don't have to do anything in this process.

Except for be.

Be you. Be the emotional leader. Be the person that's able to create a level of sacred space and energy and vulnerability in a partnership, in a relationship. That's all. It's actually so much easier than you think. People saying in the chat, I've been doing it all wrong, girl. You and everybody else. That's why I say booked and busy.

That's why I'm never gonna be out of business, because these things are not taught.

And I'm here to help you. With this information so that you don't have to do it wrong. You don't have to do what your mom and your grandmother.

Are doing. You get to do it a different way, and you get to be successful, more successful in dating, in love. It's funny. It's like. It's kind of like running on a treadmill. You're working hard, but you're literally going nowhere.

Nowhere. Right.

That's what you're kind of giving right now in your love life.

And what I want you to give and what I help my clients give is, you know those, like, walking escalators in the airports? That's being.

That's what I want you to give in your love life.

And you're walking. You're literally not moving. Like, you're literally not walking, but you're moving faster than the people that are hastily walking to their gate.

That's possible for you in your love life?

Yeah.

That'S possible for you. One of my clients just got into a relationship yesterday.

Yeah, yesterday or the day before. And.

One of the first things that she said was, it feels easy. I'm calm.

The reason why it feels easy for her and she's calm is because.

She did this with a strategy. She knew what was to be expected every step of the way. And also.

She let her guy do the work and give.

What did that look like? It looked like this guy showing up consistently because he. He's been properly vetted based on my 3, 2, 1, funnel strategy. And.

He was the one that was actually.

Letting her know, I want to be exclusive with you. Have you guys had men do that before? Because most women haven't.

I want us to be a man, actually taking you out, paying for everything, and saying, I want you to be my girlfriend. I want to just date you. That's what he said to my client. And now they're together.

She sent me a picture, and I put that picture into the Facebook group where all my clients from all around the world are. And she's being celebrated by the amazing community that we have because literally every couple of weeks, it's another woman that's getting into amazing relationship and getting her guy. And she's doing it not by doing the most.

But just by being.

Being her full, genuine, authentic self.

No performance for men.

Performance for herself. Making sure she's having the most amazing time of her life. Because when you can do that, you can have fun in dating. And when dating is fun and when you're, like, being you.

That'S the quickest way that you can get to your guy.

Yeah.

I hope this is really helpful as you start to think about doing in love versus being.

Love, right?

Being in love feels so much better and it's easier. And you get to make a choice whether you want to be in love or do in love.

Yeah.

Questions for me. I'll do a quick Q and A just for any questions that you may have as we stop doing all the things and start being all the things. Yeah, questions for me.

Questions, questions, questions, questions, questions, questions, Questions for me.

And just FYI.

I have. Okay, can you give me an example of doing too much, girl? I can give you a lot of examples.

Let's start with.

We'Ll start physically and then we'll start like online, okay? And then we'll do online dating.

Offline dating. When if you are literally like, let's say you're at a bar, you're at a club, you're at a wine place, you're at brunch, and you see a guy that you like and you are like coming, going, being loud, trying to get his attention or going up to him and just being very direct and fresh and all out there, it's doing a lot. It's doing the most, right? Versus actually getting his eyes, getting his attention, right?

Through a smile, through eye contact, and allowing him to come to you, right? It's just a simple example. Or online, right, where you're messaging people and you are trying to like go out with them as quick as possible and you're telling them exactly like, hey, do this, do this.

Let'S go out, right? It's doing the most, right? When I say doing the most, it means that we're not allowing these men to show up for you. Why is that important? That is important because even though there's a lot of action happening, it doesn't mean that he feels connected to you. Like, if you initiate, if you initiate a text with a guy, that's a no, no for me.

If you initiate a phone call for a guy, that's a no, no for me. If you pay for a date, that's a no, no for me. If you.

Right? You get to allow, receive, accept you're worthy of that, right? Online, it looks like.

Messaging too much. Like four paragraph text messages to a guy that's just like, hey, how are you? Like, that's a lot, girl.

Right? There's a balance there.

So that's what I mean when I say too much versus literally just like.

If he's like, hey, how are you doing? Let him know how you're Feeling how your day was and then ask him a question. Right? The most that I ever want you to do is 50%.

So that it's 50, 50. Anything more than 50%, you're doing too much if you're doing more than him. There's a point in the process where I tell my clients that they have to do something for this, right? Generally around date three or date four.

But it's never as much as what the guy's done for them. Never. That's not what he needs. Why? Because there are two things that will happen when you do too much. One, he will regress into a teenage boy and you will be his mother, doing his laundry, cooking his meals, doing all of that. In the chat, let me know if you've been somebody's mother. Or two, he has felt emasculated by all of the giving and he's butted heads with you to try to control you and lead you and have power over you so that he feels like he's in control. Those are the only two things that happen when you give or over give. Let me know in the chat if that has been you because I've heard it and I've seen it many times.

And it's not cute. And I'm saying that you don't have to do that. You can do something. You can do something a bit different and get a better result, a quicker result. That's why like 85% of my clients are getting into amazing relationships within my six month program. Right? That's why.

Because they get to do it a different way. One of my new clients, she's just been with me for a month and she's already like consistently dating two high quality men. And I was just talking to her in my office hours today and she was saying, yeah, I haven't really been dating high quality men, multiple high quality men before. It feels good. I didn't know I could do this right. I was like, yeah, girl, you're doing it right.

So, okay, let me go to this, let me go to our next question. I hope that gives you some good examples of doing too much. Yeah, let me know if that answers your question. What do you say for people who say love is a verb? Action. Action is doing.

I totally agree.

For individuals whose love language is.

By action, everyone has a different love language.

Most men, because of the way that they are raised, will probably want. Will not want acts of service.

Because most men will have acts of service as how they show their love language, how they show their love. Most of them don't want that. Right?

Yeah.

I want to offer to you that action. Like, love is a verb, doesn't mean that it's action. Love as a verb, meaning, like, doesn't mean that you have to do something for someone for it to be love. That's patriarchal bs, right? Those are the things that your mother and your grandmother had to do and was probably instilled in you. I'm trying to share with you that there's a different way and you can love and love can still be a verb through nurturing, through. Through support, through sharing what you want and what you need. Because here's what I want to offer to you.

The way that men are pleased.

Is by pleasing you, the woman. That's how he derives his pleasure.

So your job is to give him the roadmap to what's pleasurable for you and what's not.

So, yeah, love is a verb. And you get to communicate what you want and what you don't want. Communication is also a verb.

Yeah.

Doesn't have to be an action.

We're not falling for that anymore. Maybe in the 80s and 90s, girl. Not in the 2000 and 20s, honey. Let me know if that answers your question and if you feel complete. I want to make sure everyone feels heard and everyone is having their questions answered. How do you show you care without doing too much? Isn't it a fine line?

I think that's a really great question. But here's what I want to offer to you, right?

I want you to think about this in terms of the entire kind of courtship and relationship timeline here. Am I saying never do something for a man? No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm focused mostly on the courtship and the dating portion. What I teach my clients to do, which I think is the more successful way of thinking about dating, is first, I want. I want you to be able to evaluate if these men can show up for you consistently, first and foremost. That's why we put every man through the three, two, one funnel. And then after they prove that they can do that, then we will figure out if they are a match.

What so many women are doing out there is figuring out, is he a match for me? And not even if he's a match. Is he hot?

Right? Is his voice sexy? Does he have muscles? That's what most women. I literally talk to women all day, every day. I'm literally right here in this room chatting with all of my clients from all around the world, and.

I hear it all the time. Oh, he is so cute. He is so fun, girl. I don't care. Has he gone through the funnel? If he hasn't, I'm not talking to him. We're not talking about him until he goes through the funnel. Because consistency will help you feel secure. And when you feel secure, you can be your full, authentic self in a trusting and vulnerable way, which will create amazing connection between you and this man. But most people are trying to match is he a good match or not? So many people say, oh, he's a great match. We have a great time, we have great conversation. And then two to three weeks later or two to three months later, you realize this guy actually isn't that consistent.

He's not really texting me as much as I'd like him to. He didn't call me.

A lot.

We don't go out as much as I'd like. Let me know in the chat if that's been you, girl. I'm not here to try to call people out, but I am here to call people out.

So how do you show you care without doing too much? What I was trying to answer was that there are moments where you start to shift, right? As he continues to show up, then you start to match his show up. There are things that you can do. I teach my clients this around date, date three, date five or six, depends on the courtship. Right. There are things that you can do to start to show up differently in the courtship, and this has all been researched and based on the male psyche to help with the momentum of the connection or the courtship. Right.

So am I saying don't show up at all? No, it's gradual. You will start to show up as they start to show up more. Right. But he's got to show up at the beginning. And if you want to learn how to do that, should definitely book a consultation with me or DM me and we can talk about how to implement that in your life, your love life. Okay.

Isn't it a fine line? No, it's not a fine line. It's a boundary.

Boundaries are for us. They're not for other people. You've got to be able to control your own stuff, girl, and not do too much. Right. Oftentimes we give because we want to control.

We have to, as I tell my clients, stay on our island. They have their island. You have your island. You've got to stay on your island. We can't do a Russia and go to their island, go to their Ukraine and try to take over and do too much, girl. You gotta stay in our country on our island.

Yeah.

Please save this. I have to go. Much love. You got a listener here. Thank you, girl.

Let me see. I hope that answers your questions. If it doesn't, let me know.

Jeslina is asking, what's the funnel? The funnel is the strategic way that I help all of my clients date so that they're only dating high quality men. And that's why every two weeks, another one of my clients is getting into the best relationship of her life. I had one client, actually, she's in Chicago, get exclusive with her guy, and I have another client that's about to get an exclusive with her guy in Miami and another client that's going to get exclusive with her guy who lives in the D.C. area. This all happens every two weeks. I've been doing this for so long, I kind of know exactly when they're going to get exclusive.

I'm not. I'm not trying to be flippant. I'm just like, when you see it so often, it's just like a normal thing, Right. If it's not a normal thing for you where you're not entering into an amazing relationship, then you probably should book a consultation call with me because that's what's happening in my program.

Which is lovely and great and amazing, but it's normal because there's just certain skills that you just have to master. And once you do those, you're gonna be good to go.

Oh, my God. A lot of people asking about this funnel. Girl, I can't give you all my tea, all my secrets, honey.

Maybe I will at some point.

How do we get info for the funnel? Honey, all these people need the funnel up in their lives. Yes.

I think that I might have to do a session on this funnel. It's something that I do for my clients. But it sounds like a lot of people are really interested in this funnel that is quite successful in its job. Right.

This is part of my program. Because what I've noticed is that a lot of female dating coaches will focus on the inner work, right? Be the best woman that you can be. Girl.

Black girl, magic. You're amazing. Level up your confidence. And then the. A lot of the male dating coaches are like, don't trust men. Text the. Text him this, right? Be girly, flirt. Do all this.

I think there are. I think that there are positives to both worlds ways. And so in my program, I try to integrate both of those things. Right. Which is basically me. I mean, I've been doing this since I was a kid in elementary school. Helping boys talk to girls and girls talk to boys. But the funnel, I think, is a really great mix of how do I work on myself, to be able to set boundaries, to be confident, to speak up, to speak my mind, to be my authentic self, to be vulnerable, as well as how do I also interact with men in a way that's going to best serve me. Right. So I think that the funnel does all of this. The funnel is a way to go from first conversation to first date. Right. And the way that my clients actually work this funnel, I want you to realize that, like.

5% of guys will get through the funnel.

So, like, one out of every 20 guys will get through the funnel. My clients are. My clients are not dating every week at first.

My program is about quality. It's not about quantity. So my clients will probably have a really amazing date every two to three weeks. Physical date. This isn't a program where you're going to be going on four or five dates every week. That's exhausting. And I don't even think I can do it.

Yeah.