Why Working Hard Will Hurt You in Love

Hello, hello, hello, my loves. I hope you're doing well this morning. I am so excited to be chatting with you today. And I'm going to be chatting all about love and dating and why it is so hard for so many people, especially if you are successful, especially if you are ambitious, especially if you are smart, especially if you are generous. Right. That can make love so difficult and so hard. And I want to show you that there is a different way to approach dating and love. A way in which we can focus on ease and flow and less about hard and difficult. Right. So. But before I get into that, I just want to introduce myself for those that don't know me. I know I've received a lot of new followers over the past couple of weeks. My name is Anwar White and I am an amazing top dating coach for smart and successful women. You know, I'm helping women date with ease and confidence. I'm helping them heal their hearts. I'm helping them actually meet quality men or partners and helping them get into the best relationship of their lives. So let's talk about hard, let's talk about difficult. Now, before I get into that, I want to talk a little bit about something that I went through. So I want to say, almost 10 years ago, I did this thing called the AIDS life cycle. Now I was like, I'm gonna do this amazing thing before my kids come. At that time, I was pregnant with twins. I personally was not pregnant. I actually did surrogacy in India to have the twins that are amazing individuals now. But I was like, I'm going to do something outside of my wheelhouse, outside of anything that I thought I would ever be able to fathom. So basically this AIDS life cycle was you would ride your bike from San Francisco, San Francisco to Los Angeles over a seven day period, and you would raise all of this money to make sure that you would do it. So the minimum that you had to raise, I believe, was like $3,000. And luckily I was able to raise $5,000. I was surprised that people came out of the woodworks to support me and to support this cause. And it really motivated me and it made me feel great about what I was doing. And it also felt like, wow, there are people there that support me because I was in the habit of not asking for help and doing things all by myself. Let me know if that's been you, because I know for so many people, how we've grown up, we've had to be independent and we've had to kind of just take care of ourselves. And handle our own business. So I gain all of this money. And, you know, I want to let y' all know I am not a bike rider. I am. I am a dainty.

Someone who doesn't have calluses on her hands. If I have carpal tunnel, if anything, because I'm a computer girl. I'm not out in these streets being physical. I do not work out. I don't do any of that. Although I should.

But I was like, I'm about to be a. I'm about to be a father of twins. I won't have time to ever do this, so I'm gonna do it now.

And so I had to get a bike.

Never had a, like a real hardcore, like, Lance Armstrong bike. Not like my, you know.

Bike with a basket on it. Like I was Jessica Fletcher from Murder She Wrote. So I had to get a legit, like, aerodynamic bike. I had to get the shoes, I had to get the gear, equipment. I didn't have any of that, nor did I want to spend hundreds and thousands of dollars doing it. So I had to ask all of these different people, hey, can I borrow a bike? Hey, can I borrow shoes?

Because I was like.

The shoes that actually clip into the bike and clip out. I didn't even know how to clip into a bike and clip out of a bike. And it took me a couple of rides to actually learn how to do that. Every time I had to stop. Generally when you stop in a bike, you have to click out of the pedal and so that you can put your foot on the ground while you're stopping, right? Girl, I didn't know how to do any of that. So the first couple of times that I was stopping, girl, I fell down like a cowgirl. I don't know if y' all have been in the country and you push cows and they fall over, but, girl, that's what I was giving every time. I was stopping every single time because I had to learn how to do this. So, you know, every weekend for. For three months, I was spending the entire day riding bikes all around the San Francisco Bay area. These would be 30, 40, 50 mile bike rides where we would meet at 6am and then we would get back at 4pm and we would have breaks along the way and things like that. I met a lot of people. I put myself out there. I did the hard things. There was one thing, though, that scared me. Well, let me say this, let me take that back. There is one thing that I was really good at, and there was one thing that really scared me and the one thing that I was really good at was going up hills, was digging deep, putting my head down and going each and every step up that hill, up it. This would be the time that I would pass all of the hardcore bikers. They would pace themselves, and they would be going slowly. Girl, I would book it up that hill. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. I was used to the grind. I was used to that pain that we feel when we know something's going to be hard. And I welcomed it because it was familiar to me. And I said, oh, yes, I'm used. This feels good. I know I'm doing something. Any of you guys have that. Any of you all feel like this struggle feels familiar. I can do this. This is what I'm used to. So I'm gonna keep on trucking. I'm gonna keep on going. I was killing it up heels. Any of you ever feel that way? That the struggle is normal, the struggle is real. The struggle is.

It. It's life, right? Here's the gag. Here's the shade. Actually, the shade is I would get to the top first.

I would get to the top first, and I would be feeling really good about myself, and I would be killing it. And I saw all the views and everything, and it was. It was beautiful. But then I had to go down, and that shit scared me more than anything else. Why? Because going down a hill on a bike, you have to let go. You have to let go of everything, and you have to let the bike and you have to. You have to let gravity and flow and life take you. And I couldn't do that. I had to be in control.

I had to power my way up this hill and on my bike. I couldn't let go. And it scared the shit out of me. And you know what would happen? Anytime I would start going down, all of those people that I passed up on that mountain would fly right past me with ease, with no effort and actually much more energy than I had because I was tense. I was going down like this. I was serving slow lane in the autobahn in Germany. I was going 60 miles per hour, and everyone was going 100. And actually getting to their destination quicker than I was. Even though I was stronger than them, that I could work harder than them, right? So I want to offer this to you all. You may be doing the same thing in your love life. You actually may be making it harder than it is because you're used to struggle, and you're used to working hard, and you're used to having full Control of it. But here's the thing about love and dating and relationships. It's actually about the ease. It's actually about the flow. The love part. Your love life is not about getting up the heel, it's actually about going down it. So if you're like me, and I know that many of you are, and you're holding on tight, trying to have control and you're tense and you're trying, you're going slow and you'll know if you're going slow, if you're telling yourself, I have to wait for other people to become like, make me comfortable and make me feel safe. Because I can't do that by myself. Because that's what it was for me going down that hill in my head and in my heart. I needed to make my own self safe and then I could let myself go instead of waiting for circumstances or environments to make me or let me feel free. So I want to offer that this might be how you are approaching your love life. And if you are like me, it's very difficult because you're not allowing ease and you're not allowing flow.

Why? Let's talk about it. Yeah, I know that especially if you're someone of color or a disenfranchised group.

That'S been your pattern, that's been your habit that you've had to do that. Right?

We were taught that working hard was how we were able to accomplish everything in our lives. We work hard to get the grades, we worked hard to get into college either through academics or sports. Right. We worked hard during our job so that we could get the promotions that everyone else was getting. Even if we had to work 1.5 or twice as hard.

We had to do all of those things, or at least we felt like we had to do all of those things. Things to accomplish the things that we've accomplished. And I'm sure that you all have accomplished amazing things right in your professional lives.

Our love lives are different though. Our love lives. It's not about hard work.

This is why I work with smart and successful and ambitious and high achieving women because they're approaching it hard. Going to do this. I'm going to go out on four dates a week. I'm going to kick it, kick it in a hiker. I'm going to be on the apps all day, every day. I'm going to be going to this bar, I'm going to be going to this event, I'm going to be doing this, I'm going to be doing that. And that's how I'm going to accomplish this thing. This is how I'm going to achieve my love goal.

It's the antithesis. You're actually doing yourself more of a disservice because you're going from here to there. There's thinking that the environment is going to help you achieve your love goal, when really it's always been here. It's been your head, your mind and your brain. It's been your heart and it's been your hut. Your. Your heart and your gut, your intuition, right? It's always been here in your nervous system.

And so I want to offer to you that if you are working hard for love, we have to shift that.

Right? We have to do it a different way.

Some women are going to feel comfortable doing it a different way.

Some women aren't. If you're not ready, that's fine. I'm not here to push you. I'm not here to rush you. But I. It stands to reason that if.

Your approach to love isn't working now, it's probably going to help you to do it different, differently for a different result, right? And what I know is.

Ease is where it's at. I have a most recent podcast. It's called Nicole's Love Journey. So if you have some time, listen to it on the get yout Guy Coaching podcast. One of the things she points out because she got her guy, she did the work and she got her guy, is that she kept on saying over and over again, but it's so easy. I didn't know it was supposed to be this easy. Why is it this easy? Something's gotta give. No, it's supposed to be this easy. It's supposed to have a level of flow and ease, and that's what makes it enjoyable.

Part of what we need to do is learn to sit in the ease and comfort of love and dating and relationships. That's what's going to help you be successful in this part of your life. Not the hard work, not the control, not the project management of your love life, right? It's not your job. It's not your job. Let's talk about ease. Let's talk about flow in your life, right? Because when you do that, that's when you're able to actually be the fullest version of yourself. Think about it. When you're with your best friend girl, it's a vibe, right? And you're just being yourself and you're talking your shit and you're doing you. That's when people can see all of you and fall in love with all of you. Right. But that happens with ease and flow, not with hard work.

Yeah.

Oftentimes people feel very independent that I have to do everything by myself on my own. But the opposite of this is asking for help. It's being like relying on people and seeing if they're going to be able to show up for you or not. That's really what it's all about. Right. So I ask you, have you asked for help recently? Have you asked people to show up for you? Have you asked people to do things for you? Do you feel comfortable doing that? If not, that's going to be a problem for you and your love life and your relationships. Yeah. So there's an opportunity for you.

Let's talk about how you're treating yourself. Are you treating yourself? Right. I want to talk about that. And I didn't say, are you rewarding yourself? So many hard workers reward themselves. And rewarding themselves looks like this. I've done this really hard thing. I've completed this project. I worked out five times a week this week. So I'm going to reward myself and I going to give myself something.

That's not how it works. Because in love, you're going to be loved for who you are, not what you do. And so I want you to treat yourself every week. I want you to be giving yourself something that you, you can do just for you. That's going to make you feel happy, that's going to give you joy and pleasure just because you're you, not because you've done something that is going to help you transition from doing and working hard to being and being at ease.

Yeah.

I hope this is helpful as you think about.

Working hard versus loving and dating with ease, because that's really what I do with my clients right now. If you've been working hard in love and it's been really frustrating and you're seeing all of these people pass you by, when you go down the hill, you see all of these people on your timelines, getting married and having children, it feels like everyone's moving faster than you are. It's probably because you're working hard at this instead of working with ease. So if you want to learn how to do this, because literally you are going to have to unlearn everything that you've done or been taught or programmed and learn it a different way with specific strategic exercises to make sure that you can do that as quickly as possible. I want to invite you to.

Book a complimentary consultation with me. I think that One, we'll get a sense of where your opportunities are and two, you'll be able to get a sense of.

My program if you want to work with me, if that jives with you. Right. Because I think it's important both sides. Also, I also need to get a sense of are you ready and is it a good fit? I would say maybe one out of four, one out of three people, they're either not ready or it's not a good fit. And that's okay too.

But I want, I would love to teach you a different way of doing this. It feels love and dating and relationship. It feels hard because you're literally working so hard in a way that's not going to move you forward. It's like being on a.

Being, like on a stationary bike, like on a peloton. And you're literally pedaling, pedaling and pedaling and you're trying to figure out why you haven't moved, even though you're working yourself to death and you're sweating and you feel like you're doing everything that you're supposed to do. But girl, the tools aren't there. The equipment that you have with you is not there. So it doesn't matter how hard you work at love, dating and relationships.

It'S not going to work. Right? So if you want to learn how to work it, book that consultation call. You can go in my bio, I have a link there. Or you can go to www.getyourguycoaching.com apply and.

We can start our conversations there. Okay. I hope that this was helpful for you as you start to think about your love life, your dating life and how to level up. I think there's opportunity here. If you're single, then there are things that you can learn to help you stop working harder and help you to start working smarter. Right? And really not even working at all, just kind of being. Yeah. So book that call and don't stall, girl. Don't say, I'll do it another time. It's springtime, things are opening up, girl, I want you to be dating and ready to rock and roll as this weather gets amazing so that you can be out and about and working it so by the summer you can have your guy and work it out. So no more of these stalling tactics, no more of this procrastination. It is time for you to do it a different way. Right? We're going to stop working hard and dating and love. And we're going to start with ease. For those of you that just joined Me. I want to invite you to start this live from the beginning because I go through a story that I think illustrates really well how you've probably been engaging in your love life that hasn't been serving you. Okay? So book that call and let's make it happen. Like, I'm working with people that want to make it happen. I'm working with people that are ready to make love a priority and know that if they can do it a different way, they'll be able to get results. Here's the thing. 80, 90% of the women that I work with are in amazing relationships by the six months of my program. Like within the six months of my program. So we do the work and the work works. And if you want to hear, you can, you can hear my latest podcast from Nicole's Love Journey, her journey with me in this program, the get yout Guy coaching program. The 80 or 90% of the women that I work with that are in amazing relationships by the end of my program, about two thirds of them are either married or engaged.

So I'm proud of my results. I'm proud of the work that I do with my clients and.

I continue working with my clients until they get their guy up to a year. So let's say by six months you're in my program and you haven't gotten your guy, you haven't gotten into the most amazing relationship of your life. I'm going to continue to support you up until a year because I'm focused on getting, I'm focused on my program promise of you getting your guy. For me, it's like a no brainer offer. It's like, okay, I'm going to work with you and you're going to help me get into the most amazing relationship of my life and you're not going to stop working with me until I do that. That's what it looks like here. If that's something that you're interested in, if you're ready to actually put yourself out there and go out on dates and do it in a way that feels good and you can level up and have some confidence about yourself around this area. Book that call girl. Stop tripping, stop playing games. We can do this. All right, Much love to you all. I hope you have an amazing weekend and I will be talking with you soon. Bye. Bye.