Why You Overthink with Dionne Williams

Hey, girl. Welcome to the get yout Guy coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week you'll hear actionable advice, tips, and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively, and understanding men so that you can, you guessed it, get your guy. Are you ready to level up your love life? All right, let's go.

I never felt the way I do without anyone but you.

Hello, my loves, and thank you so much for joining the get your Guy coaching podcast. I have a very special guest with me today. She comes all the way from across the pond and her name is Dionne Williams. She is an amazing transformational coach, and we are going to talk about how to stop overthinking, because I know for sure that that is one of the things that most of my clients do. So I wanted to bring the best in here to actually discuss this topic. Dion, thank you so much for joining me today.

Oh, you are so welcome. I'm so excited to be here. I'm given this opportunity to speak to your audience. So hi. Hi, everyone. That's listening, girl.

I'm so excited for you to be here because I know for sure that our minds are so busy, right, obviously in everyday life, but also especially in those things that are very intimate, like dating, relationships, parenting, friendships, things like that. So I definitely want to talk about our mindsets in relationships. But before we get into that, I'd love for you to share with the audience a little bit about your work and how you got into it.

The idea of doing coaching and being a coach, I think stemmed from my business background. So I used to work in banking. I'm a ex business banker. So I had business clients that I was managing. I was managing their portfolios, their accounts. And obviously you develop really close relationships with these people and you tend to find out far more about them than sometimes their own husbands or wives may know. Because it's quite a very intimate relationship. You have access to everything in terms of their finances. So working in that role, it became a coaching relationship. It is effectively a coaching relationship because you're having conversations with people about their businesses and how they're going to grow and scale these businesses. But a huge part of that is who they are as individuals and what makes them tick, what causes them to hold back the obstacles they face mentally and emotionally. I want to provide solutions for people I didn't want to in past and drama and that type of thing. I wanted to help People go from where they were into the next level of where they wanted to be. Yeah, so I've always been very solution oriented. And so, yeah, that's where I came to get to really understand people and how they tick, what motivates them, what makes them procrastinate, even what makes us behave in the ways that we do. And often what is on the surface is far from what is actually really going on underneath.

So thank you so much for sharing that. So talk to me a little bit about what is overthinking. Right. Like when you are working with your clients, talk to me about what is it and like why we actually do it.

What is overthinking? The human tendency to use thoughts to distract us from what's really true for us. Often we overthink in order to alleviate some kind of tension. Often there's a choice or a decision that we need to make. Often there is something that is very obvious that we need to do, but we don't trust ourselves to move in that direction. So we tend to go into our heads, go into our minds and make up scenario, a story that's usually a very juicy story of some degree, often very scary, often horrific at times. We do this in our own mental state and we can literally wind ourselves up in this state because we literally create in an image of a scenario that is imaginary.

Yeah.

So we go into this imaginary story and we begin to live this story, whether we actually in action or simply in emotions, we live the story. And we're not really addressing the fact that the story isn't real, but what it is doing is distracting us from being present to what we actually are needing to do, or the choice that we have to make, or the action we need to take, or the thing that we need to say but we don't want to say. So we're very good at finding ways to distract ourselves and often in ways that we don't prefer, but we find ways to distract ourselves from what we're actually meant to be doing.

I was going to ask you about that. Right. Like, obviously humans do things for their own natural benefit. And the biggest benefit from what I'm hearing from you, is the distraction. Right. That is the benefit. So that they don't have to face whatever is in front of them. It's avoidance. Oftentimes an avoidance strategy. Yeah, it's avoidance. It's not making the decision right or.

It'S not feeling the feeling. Another big one.

That's what I've noticed in my clients that actually, and I tell them this all the time. And in their heads, they are 250 years old. In their hearts, they're three years old. So part of this work is learning how to actually grow their hearts and help them trust their intuition in such a significant way to help them get successful in love, but also in life and specifically within relationships.

You literally hit the nail on the head. That is everything. That connection to our heart is everything to us. That's our reason for being in a body.

Yeah.

But because we are mind centered, we're not heart centered most of the time. Most human beings are not heart centered.

But, Dionne, how did we get there? How did we become head centered or intellect centered?

Oh, how did we get there? We look back and we look at young children, babies, and we see how they exist as babies. We were in our heart center. We came from our heart center.

Our heart is the first part of us, develops 100%.

We come from our heart, and we're in our heart. For some of us, we disconnect from our heart at a very, very early age. I mean, age wise, I could never put a number on how it is for one versus another person. But something occurs at some point in our developmental stage that disconnects us from our heart. Now, my take on that disconnection is we are scared out of the connection to our heart, because the connection to our heart is quite peaceful and it's quite mild. But we go into the. And the world is very full of distractions. There's a lot of things going on. And we are taught that everything the world matters, everything outside of you matters. So we lose connection with what's going on inside of us.

We can't touch it, we can't evidence it. And then we go into a world which is full of form, it's full of objects, it's full of things that we can touch, feel, taste, smell. So the world, it takes up all of our focus because we believe that that's all there is, is what's outside of us. That's all that we need to worry about. We forget that actually we came from another place.

Yeah, definitely. One of the things that I think is important and one of the things that I share with my clients, oftentimes specifically for women, and I have a daughter who is 8, turning 9, that it's really the ages between 7 and 12 that we start to actually step away from our heart space. Right. That actual. If you think about yourself in kindergarten, you were doing anything and everything and jumping on rocks and flipping and doing whatever you wanted to do. And it wasn't until we started to get into school and we started to be exposed to your point around society and what the expectations were for little girls versus being sheltered and more so in the home where the heart space was able to thrive a little bit more. That that I think is also when we start to like not trust our heart as much and also kind of use our head and our thoughts to protect ourselves from all of these different exterior forces. And often, like I would also say things that are scary, that I have to use my brain, I have to look over and make sure that nothing is going to attack me. And I have to find a way to feel safe mentally because of that. What are your thoughts on that?

Not agree. And I think what you said about that age of 7 to 12, I think the 7 to 12 kind of age is when we start to develop ourselves as a person or seven is when we start to see ourselves as our own person at that age. But the actual disconnect started earlier on because we have, remember we have these different developmental stages. So when we're tiny babies or toddlers, we have no fear of anything.

Right?

You don't have fear of anything. We would do anything. And also what's really, really important and I hope that, you know, people catch this, is that we are connected to how we feel. How we feel is what we express. We have no hang up. We don't have insecurities. If I' angry, you will know about it. If I want to throw my toys out the basket, I will throw it out. I will scream, I will shout, I will cry. I will be who I am very confidently. But as we get older, and I'm sure it's different in different homes, but when people start telling you that you can't shout and can't scream and you can't do this and you hear the word no and no and no and no over and over and over again. Slowly, the being that was fully connected and in their heart and being who they truly are, slowly learn that I can't be who I truly are. Me being me is not good. Yeah, not acceptable. I can't be this way. Through different messages from whether it's parents or teachers or family members or even different messages teach us that actually who you are is not acceptable.

And so when we're getting these messages of who we are supposed to be, how does that relate or translate into our overthinking messages come in or incident.

And scenarios and situations come in. And because we're so young, we don't if the situation causes very. Something very intense within us, whether we're shamed, we're embarrassed, we're humiliated, we. Or we are, you know, we are severely punished or traumatized in some way. We're unable to process that fully. We don't know what to do with this intensity. So as we grow up as adults, that intensity doesn't leave us where we push it down, we repress it, we try and hold it in. We think we've dealt with it because no one teaches us how to deal with our emotions. But we start to see as we grow up that actually, I don't feel good inside. We know that we don't feel good. So we don't want to be in this body because the body is full of pain. If I sit inside of myself, I feel pain, and I don't. Who wants to feel pain? So where else do I have to go apart from in my head? I can do a lot in my head and I can live my life in this space here that the feelings are not up here. So we tend to go into our head because this is the place of safety now. We've developed a new identity which fits into the world in the way that we thought the world needed us to be. We have a story in here of who I am. I am this person who behaves this way, and I am acceptable because of these reasons or whatever we say to ourselves. It's all a story now in here. And it keeps me out of this being which is full of grief, shame, fear, resentment, full of it. Most humans are full of those emotions, but they don't know what to have no clue what to do with them. So they drink, they eat drugs, do all kinds of things to avoid this thing. How can I numb myself?

Thank you so much for making that connection. Because I don't think people really understood that, like, this is coming from a place where I don't want to be in my body and I don't want to feel based on my past experiences.

Absolutely.

It's not about. I'm just a really smart person. And so that's why I use my head a lot. Right. Because that's what a lot of people will think of it. Well, I overthink. I'm just really smart and I just use my head for everything. And that's what it is. No, that's not what it's about. Or rejection to feeling and not wanting to feel. It's not because you're super smart. Sure you are. Ladies. Honey.

Absolutely.

For days about it. Right. And experience but at the end of the day, this is about what Dionne just. I'm so glad that you talked about this because this is so important to make that distinction. It's everything.

It's vital. And you know, experts that talk about these types of things, but I don't hear them make that connection. It's almost like there's an emphasis on thinking and mindset and trying to undo these beliefs that we have. Yeah, we can't undo a belief that is set inside of our body. It's ingrained. It's not going anywhere. You might be able to remove and shift some higher level beliefs or temporarily.

Get it out of your head.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A day or a week. And then it comes back so newly.

It's in here, it's in the body. And I'm sorry for anyone that you cannot see me, but I'm testing her chest.

All podcast long, I was starting to get a bit uncomfortable myself, but. No, I'm just kidding.

I apologize to any viewers. I'm not really. I'm just trying to demonstrate that emotions are felt all over our bodies. Some feel a lot within our heart, some feel a lot within our solar plexus.

You beat me to my next question, which was why is this experience so unique for our women of color? Right. And I think that you really hit it on the, on the head when you were talking about this. You can't do this. You can't do that. No. Right. Sit up straight, you know, cross your legs. Like all of those different messages that women are hearing. Can you talk a little bit more about that? Because, you know, I think a lot of women of color, specifically black women, will say, well, no, my household, we just didn't talk about feelings. But I think it goes deeper than that.

Yeah, absolutely. And I really don't want to. You know, it's. Not everyone made that clear. Not everyone had the same experience in their household when it came to.

But a lot of us had similar.

A lot of us.

Have. Emotions were just not valued. And I suppose if we're looking at our history and how our maybe grandparents and great, great, grand. How they had to survive and live didn't have time to concern themselves with feelings and emotions they were not in that place to be able to address then. So unfortunately, our lineage has not placed the heavy value on feelings and how you feel and your emotions. And I suppose we can sit back and justify why that might be, but the effect that has on a human being is detrimental because we need love like we need food.

Yeah.

We need It, It's a need. And a lot of us black people didn't receive it. We didn't have people around us that even knew how to give that. They never had it. They couldn't give it. So despite many of us having parents that gave us the world. And so, yes, we felt. We feel like we came from great households because we were provided for, we were taken care of. These weren't neglectful parents. These were just people that had no reference for feelings and emotions and theirs inside so tightly and packed in that to even talk about it would have probably. It might have been going.

I don't think it could cope.

I think the point that you've made, though, about not just being able to express your feelings after you feel a certain kind of way, but the things that create the feelings inside of you that actually like, retard the way that you're able to feel. Right. I think is the point because I don't think anyone is. Knows that it. Like we know that we couldn't talk about our feelings. Like if we were saying, this hurt my head, mom, don't pull it. She was like, you're tender headed. Be quiet. I'm gonna.

I'll get exactly.

It was the things before that. It was the, you got to be this way, you got to be that way. Sit up straight. Don't do this, do that, do this. That actually creates the foundational feelings. And then we get really frustrated and we escape that. And then when we actually try to express it, we don't have anywhere to place it. Right. But yes, that initial part that is so important, I'm so glad that you brought that up. What were you going to say?

I was, you know, what you were saying then, it just made me think about my parents are Jamaican and many Caribbean people especially, but black people as a race of people. And again, I don't want to generalize because I'm sure there is some very, very loving parents in the black community on this podcast.

We're going to talk about it because everyone experiences, all of us experience something very unique that our white counterparts. Hearts do not.

But yeah, we were very harshly and severely dealt with. Communicated with, punished by these people severely and harshly. Not necessarily how you would. I was an adult and I was a parent and even. And a grandparent. I cannot fathom how somebody could treat a child the way that I was treated as a child.

Yeah.

And the way I saw many of my cousins and counterparts were treated as a child. And I'm not even talking about abuse. I'm talking and it is abusive. I'm not going to discount it.

Verbally abusive and physically abusive. Right.

And physically.

This is the important point that, and this is why we talk about black households and families on this podcast. Because the way that white slave owners treated their slaves was passed down to how black parents treated their children.

Their children.

So 100% in these black households. Yeah. The don't do this, don't do that. And then we also put the physical abuse on top.

On top. Yeah.

We don't want to feel anything.

Especially of course we don't have any self esteem. Of course we're very insecure. Of course we have shame and feelings of embarrassment because how could we not? Because remember as a child, your parent is God to you.

Yeah.

This is the God of, this is the first God of your reality is your parent. And when your parent calls you names, when they treat you like they would treat the enemy, when they talk down to you, when they. It's not necessary as grown ups now. It's not necessary to do that to a child. It's really easy to get a child to do what you need, what you want them to do if you need your intelligence.

But because important conversation, this is a very important conversation because this is why we're in our head so much. This is why overthinking it's not, it's not because you are escaping your feelings and you're escaping reality.

And you're escaping reality. You're escaping reality. That's what I wanted to say. Many, and this might be a little bit controversial, but I noticed many black women are extremely intelligent. So well educated and so, so, so well read. Know a lot of things, but still get played every single day by men, still get played every single day in the workplace by their colleagues in certain situations still get manipulated by people far less intelligent than them. Far less intelligent than them. So what is, what use is our intelligence? It doesn actually get us to the places that our intelligence deserves.

Yeah, I'm so glad that you mentioned that. Right. And I tell my clients all the time, like what we're going to do in this journey and in this process is actually like put your mind to the side. Like there's no space for it in your love life. Because your mind is the thing that creates the inner conflict between your heart and your gut. I call your hut. Right. That's. Your mind is the thing that justifies the behavior. Just like your mind had to justify the behavior that your parents loved you even though they were treating you this way.

Right.

Yeah.

And then Isn't it funny that women, some women go on to be in abusive relationships and justify the same thing? He doesn't love me. He does. In fact, he beats me because he loves me.

The overthinking thing that justifies all of these things that happen. Right. And I think it's. I actually think it does such a disservice. And that's why I'm telling my clients, like, you got to put this to the side a bit. We got to lead with our hearts, with our intuition, and learn how to trust that. That's part of the work when you want to get your guy. Right?

Absolutely.

Relationship of your life.

It's good for people to see that the same relationship they had with their parents is the one they're gonna have with the partner.

100%.

It's a transfer of power from one to the other. And people don't see this happening. Everyone's so innocent.

Okay, we have talked about overthinking a lot. Let's talk about how we stop this or how we turn it off or how we resolve this. Right. I think that our listeners know how dangerous and detrimental a lot of this can be and why they do this. Now let's come with some solutions. So, girl, what do you say to everyone? I'm an overthinker, and I don't want to be an overthinker.

So the first thing I would say is that we have to cheat overthinking like any other addiction, because it is an addiction. Because if I keep thinking this story, no matter how painful it is, I get to keep feeling the way that I feel. And I'm not going to stop thinking this story if I lose the feeling that that gives me. And it's often not a nice feeling, but it justifies my story. And I can be self righteous in my story. So understanding that overthinking is an addiction for something, it's replacing the not. So you're not addressing the feeling. You are believing that the story that you think is real so that you don't have to address the feeling. So how you actually stop overthinking is that you have to literally be willing to give up your stories, detach from the need to tell yourself stories about things. Because when we're telling stories about things, we're not living in actual reality.

Yeah, I'm so glad that you talked about detaching. One of the things that I tell my clients all the time is that voice is probably the voice of your narcissistic mother. So every time you hear that voice, that overthinking that's giving you all of these different thoughts that are not fully serving you. I want you to realize, oh, that's not me. That's someone else that's programmed me. So when we talk about detachment, whether that's your mother, whether that's your father, whether that's that bully, whatever it is, being able to detach from some of those thoughts that are coming into your head are going to be really, really important. I'm so glad that you talked about.

Detachment, but you have already given the solution. Because the true solution is being in your heart. That is the true solution. That is the only solution. It's the only solution. It will fit. Overthinking it will absolutely fix it. However, the difficulty in being in your heart is that you have to get through that layers of pain first.

First.

That's what people don't want to do.

Yeah.

I can't feel my heart if it's covered in guilt and shame and resentment and grief. I can't even get to feel my heart.

Yeah.

So you're asking somebody to, okay, I'm gonna stop, I'm gonna give up overthinking and then have to go through dealing with myself. And that's the only answer. And it's a painful. It's a painful choice, but it's the only wise choice. It's because once you do it, your life goes on to another whole paradigm.

I think you're 100% correct. I can speak for myself. That girl, my heart was locked up. Girl, I spot. Me too, right? It was only when I had my children that my heart opened up. And that was when I was able to stop the overthinking and start to actually feel. Yeah. Am I saying y' all need to have babies out here? No. But what I am saying is that there are going to be moments that are going, whether it's working with a coach or working with a therapist, or helping that heart open so that you can actually feel what's inside of it. Right. Is going to be so important. I'd love to hear maybe some of the ways that you've been able to like open your heart and also feel when society has taught us or our backgrounds have taught us to think.

I couldn't even. There's too much I could say on that topic because I. My heart was literally had locks, padlocks and steel. There was a whole heap of armory going on. So it was a non negotiable for me to want to master myself. That was an intentional decision for me, before I leave this earth, I will master myself. Because I know once I master myself, the world is mine. And so it was a deliberate and non negotiable decision to be in my heart no matter what. Despite what is going on around me, despite how I feel inside, despite what what my mind says, despite all the thoughts that I'm having, despite anything that is going on, is to stay in my heart and open. And I'm not going to say to anybody that that's easy thing to do. And there is a level of understanding that needs to take. There's a, there's a shift in perception that has to take place or a shift in perception in order to go from not taking myself so seriously. First of all is to stop identifying with that I think I am and all the stories that go with that and to I committed to my heart over myself. I put my heart before myself.

How do you do that? How do you put your heart before yourself? How do we like tap into that? Yeah.

So you have to be willing to be in your body first of all is to commit to ignoring your thought and to sit inside of whatever comes up inside in your feelings. And it's not about your feelings, it's your willingness to feel your feelings. Because there's so many misconceptions around feelings. And I don't want to go into, into this too much right now, but our feelings are our own. People are always blaming other people for the way they feel because we are living in a very codependent society. The world is codependent. So we think that other people make feel the way we feel. They don't. Other people don't make us feel anything. They activate what we already feel that we've denied that we are unwilling to feel. That is the difference. And people feel triggered by others or situations only because there is something within them that is ready now to leave them. It's time now for you to let go of something. But most people don't want to let go of their stuff. They want to hold it. And so when somebody comes along and triggers that thing inside of them, they get angry and want that person to change or stop not realizing that you've just been given a great opportunity to let something that's stagnant and toxic and is unhealthy to set it free. It's time. Your being doesn't want to be holding this stuff anymore.