Win in Love in 2022

Hello, everyone. Thank you for joining me. It's so good to see you. I'm so happy that you've joined me tonight. Tonight is all about winning in love in 2022. Are you ready for that? Let me know in the comments if you're ready for that. I am really competitive. I love to win, and I think that you're probably the same way or you wouldn't be following me. So if you are ready to win in 2022, this is going to be a very important video for you. So I'm going to go through what I generally go through with my clients, because here's the thing.

Last Sunday, January 2nd, this is the biggest time for people to go online and be on these apps because so many people are ready. So many people are doing their New Year's resolutions and are ready for that new love, and they've just expanded their hearts, their minds, their spirits for something that's ready. And I think it's important for you to maximize this time to make sure that you can find amazing, amazing, amazing, amazing partners. January and February are key times for you to do this because that's when people are open. And specifically the first three weeks of January. After that, it kind of tails off. So I want you to really kick it in high gear for these next three weeks to really set yourself up for success. Okay, so I'm gonna go through a couple of things that I want you to do.

Over the next month to six weeks to make sure that you are going to win. We're winners, honey, aren't we? Let me know if you're a winner. I'm super competitive. I've played sports my entire life. I think my dad knew that I was pretty flamboyant and feminine, and he tried to toughen me up so he would put me in, like, two or three sports every season. And then it just made me more and more competitive because I always wanted to win. So I was, like, captain of the tennis team and the basketball team and in the hall of fame of. And all of these things. I take that same approach to my academics, my job, and my coaching and the results that I get from my love and relationship clients. So. And I'm gonna. I'm going to do that for you as well, even though you're not my client yet, because I want love. I love love, and I think everyone deserves it. Okay, so let's get started. Let's talk about the strategy, because here's the thing. I talk to women all day, every day, and I ask them one of My primary questions is, what's your dating strategy? No one has a strategy, my loves. You do everything with the strategy in your lives, and this is why you accomplish so many amazing things. But for some reason, in this part of your life, you don't have a strategy. So we've got to change that. We've got to have some framework, some guidelines for you to kind of be aligned and focused on so that you're not going from here to there and just going with the flow, that you know exactly what you want, when you want it, how you want it. And these dudes have to actually show up and do what they need to do. So in 2022, these men are showing up first, and then we're evaluating whether we want to actually date them, get to know them further. What does this look like? Okay, I want you someone saying we do not have any outline, right? That's right. I know it's a hot mess. You would never go to your job and not have a strategy to do anything or parent your kids and not know what to do or think about. I need to do X, Y and Z. But for some reason, we have it in this part of our lives. And that's why for so many women, their dating life and their love life is a mess. I'm here to change that. I think it's ridiculous, and there's a better way to do this. So dating strategy. I don't want you on these apps all day, every day. 15 minutes in the morning, 15 minutes in the evening. Time. Why? Because if you're on there all day, every day, the men that are talking to you are going to think that you're really desperate and thirsty and they have already lost respect for you because they can see when people are online. I also don't want you to put a huge focus on this. I don't want this to be 100% of your life. That's actually doing too mother effing much. You have a ton of other goals in your life that you need to accomplish, right? When we're talking about education, social life, career, health. Right. This is just one of your goals and it should be treated as such. Right? Here's the thing. We want to make sure that you are in this for the long run because it generally takes a good two to three months to really get into this. Right. And find someone. But so many people quit before then and miss their opportunity. So this is a marathon. It's not a sprint. Do not sprint. 15 minutes in the morning, 15 minutes in the evening. I want You. My favorite online apps are Match and Hinge. Go on Match and Hinge. If you're a little bit of more of an intellectual snob, like some of my clients are. No shade. I am, too. So OkCupid is also a really good alternative. Coming in bronze place, right? Third place. But my majors are Hinge and Match. Hinge people love to date, and through dating, you obviously get married. Match people, it's a huge spectrum, but very, very serious people because you have to actually pay to get everything that you need unmatched. So those are the two ones I want you to focus on. Okay, that's it for the strategy. If you want to learn my proprietary system of how to get men from the first conversation to an exclusive relationship, you're going to have to go into my program, honey. Okay, But I want you to put some guardrails around what this looks like, right? And I will just say I'll share something with you. So I never want you to.

Go from app to a physical date with anyone. Never. That there will always be a phone call or a FaceTime date before then, because I don't want you going out with randos. Right? I want these men to be vetted. They need to show up for you. You need to let them know, hey, I'm on the app now. I want you to go to another platform, and that could be a text, that could be WhatsApp. That could be anything. And then we want to vet them on WhatsApp. And when that's going well, then we put them to the phone call or the FaceTime. And then if that goes well, then we take them to the physical date. If you're not having these middle moments, then how are you vetting these men? How are these men showing up for you and doing exactly what you want and what you need? It's interesting. I was doing some research because I think about love quantitatively and qualitatively. And I was reading on the research, and what I saw was that the most successful marriages have men that have two things. It's not intellect. It's not height or muscle or income or any of that. Successful marriages have two things. One, emotional sensitivity.

Two, a willingness to participate in the household and the child rearing. Those two things. Just those two things. Isn't that crazy by you leading a man through what I call a funnel? He needs to follow what you're telling him to do, right? So if you say, hey, let's get on to text now, he should be able to do it. This is him making what you Want a priority, emotional sensitivity, right? When he's showing up for you and he's doing these things for you and he's initiating texts and he's doing all of these different things, he's showing you that he's willing to put a hand out and participate and do what needs to be done for the harmony of the unit, right?

That's dating strategy. Now, what I want us to do, so we have a little bit of dating strategy. I have significant dating strategy in my program. So, like, not only do I talk about exactly what you can say, but also how many conversation rounds we should have to move them to the next round. If you want all of that come into my program. I also go through exactly each date and, like, what needs to happen on each date, what you need to do. And there are special things that I have my clients do on date three and date five that are game changers that accelerate from just casually dating to actual exclusivity, like thinking about that. So if that's something that's of interest to you, you can book a free consultation call with me, check my bio. Okay? So that's strategy. I want to talk also about boundaries, because without boundaries, you have no love, right? Here's the thing. Even the best guys are going to get it wrong a quarter of the time or a third of the time. It's going to be up to you to let them know, this isn't working for me. This is what I need. And for so long, so many people, especially women, have a difficult time doing that. You can do it at work all day long, but for some reason, when it comes to love, when it comes to dating and relationships, it's difficult. So I want to give you two foundational ways that you can express what you need and set your boundaries. The first way is I like to use the word preference, right? Because here's the thing. Let me step back a second. There are a lot of people who don't know how to set boundaries in a way that is actually going to be digestible. For a man, you want to tell him about himself and he's going to be on the defense, which means he's not going to listen to the message. He's just going to appease the tone because he wants peace. And when that happens, there's no connection. There's no communication. So I want to help you express yourself in a way that you can be heard, understood, seen, and felt. Two foundational ways. The first way, preference. The second way, comfortability. You pick the one that works best for You. Right. I always tell my clients, I'm not here for you to try to, like, be perfect. I want you to find one thing that you can go to. Because when you're in the moment, it's gonna be hard for you to, like, set that boundary because you're like, what the hell's going on? This is not what I want.

Preference. I would prefer if you didn't say that. I would prefer if you didn't do that.

Comfortability.

That makes me uncomfortable.

What you said right now makes me uncomfortable. What you did right now makes me uncomfortable. These are the two ways in which you can set your boundaries. And I want you to pick which one works for you. So that is your go to. So in the comments, let me know which one is your go to. Is it going to be the preference or is it going to be the comfort? Right. And I want you to practice it when you're at home. Right? Yeah, it does sound a lot better. And guess what? It's more digestible for the dudes. Right. He doesn't want to make you feel uncomfortable because he's going to feel like a perv.

Right? Yeah, he doesn't. He doesn't want to. He doesn't want to make you unhappy, so he's going to want to do what you prefer.

You can use both. But the thing is.

Oftentimes when you're in a situation and something hits you might not. Your mind might not be working, your body might be reacting. So it's important that you have one that you prefer or that you want to go to as your go to. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So we talked about boundaries. This is what you can use with your parents, with your siblings at work, with your friends. Right.

Everywhere.

So many women don't do that. Don't do it. So they don't know that people will take heed to what you are saying. I'm seeing some minds getting blown here. Say more people will actually respect what you're saying and do what you want based on you being able to express yourself in that way. I think that oftentimes we think when we were kids, nobody listened to us, nobody wanted to do what we wanted. And so we feel like as adults, that's not going to. That's going to be the case. I'm here to tell you that it's not that actually, as you. When you were a kid, 95% of the things that you wanted and you needed probably were not fulfilled. But as an adult, it's actually the reverse. And you need to communicate it in this way so that you can get what you want. Right. So I want you to try it out, Try it out this week. Message me, let me know how it goes. And I want to celebrate with you because this is a whole new world and a whole new way of being, which is so exciting. Right. Literally, you can do this when you're in the grocery store, right? Well, not now, but anywhere you want. And you just need to set the intention and make the request. Oftentimes, we think we got to do everything and say everything and do X, Y, and Z. Nope. This, what I just taught you right now, is exactly what you need and want to be and need to do. Right? Yeah. If you have any questions, put them in the chat. I will definitely get to them. Okay. Okay. So we talked about boundaries again. This live, this podcast episode is all about making you win in 2022. Okay. We gotta be vulnerable. What does that mean? That means that we've got to share how we are feeling, and I'm gonna let you know how to do that. And you can practice this at home. Oftentimes, especially if you're a smart and successful woman, you'll talk about the situation and you'll give your opinion or interpretation of it. And that's it. Yeah, he wasn't doing what he was supposed to be doing. He should have done this. Right. This would have been a better solution.

Instead of, hey, this is what happened. It didn't work. This is how I felt, and the reason I felt this way was. And you interpret your feeling, you don't interpret the situation. There's a whole new way and a different way of actually being vulnerable in a way that can connect you and the people that you're dating, the people that you're in relationship with, and your future person. Right. So generally, let me just repeat this because I think this is.

Maybe not as clear, and I want to be as clear as possible. So generally, people will say, state a circumstance, a situation, and then give their interpretation or their thoughts about that, their opinions. Right. I'm actually. I want you to do it a different way because I want you to actually deeply connect, because without connection, you can't find love and you can't be in relationships. Right. This is a huge, huge, huge, huge disconnect for so many smart and successful women out there. And I want you to actually win this year. So I want you to actually express the situation, communicate the situation, the circumstance of what's happened, and then I want you to talk about how that made you feel. Right.

I had.

Eight meetings Today I felt tired, exhausted, and all over the place.

I think moving forward, I need to schedule differently instead of, oh, my God, I had so many meetings today. It was, like, so crazy. But, you know, I have to, like, you know, I have to get things done. Because if I don't get things done, then I'll just have so much on my plate. And X, Y, and Z.

When I tell you I'm tired and that I'm stretched out and I'm doing all of this, you get to connect to that and you get to empathize with that, and you get to show compassion. Remember I was talking about the two things that are really important in a guy. Emotional sensitivity. You. Being vulnerable will allow you to actually evaluate if this man or person.

Can hold space for you while you're vulnerable.

If you're not vulnerable, you won't be able to test that. You'll think, this guy is the bee's knees. Totally legit. Because you've never been vulnerable enough to actually see, does this guy hold space for me or not? He talks a great game, but when you're talking about how you're feeling, does he want to know more? Does he ask why? Does he or does he dismiss? Does he go on to the next subject? Does he start talking about himself? This is very important. Something that is very missed in so many dating scenarios. I don't want that to happen to you. Okay.

Good. We talked about strategy. We talked about boundaries. We talked about vulnerability. Now I want to talk about healing. And it's interesting because in my work, girl, we're going to start healing. There are a lot of dating coaches out there that will just talk about what's happening presently and what you want in the future. That's not how I do it because I know that everything is connected. So we're going to talk about your mama, and we're going to talk about your daddy, and we're going to talk about how you grew up, because that is your foundation for relationships and love and men or partners, right? And we have to understand. We have to understand your past experiences so that we can understand how you get triggered and also.

Where your mind goes when things happen today. Right? Because our thoughts create our reality, and our thoughts come from the things that we have gone through in the past. And so in the work that I do in my program, we're going. I have a whole module on healing, and we focus on it for an entire month, right? Self healing. Healing of parental relationships, which are the two key components of my program. And we have a Ton of exercises to make sure that that's happening.

We've got to understand why you don't trust these men, why you might be sensitive to criticism. Here's the thing, because most of my clients are super smart, super successful, many of them actually don't have the daddy issues that we hear about so often. It's often the mommy issues. So talk to me. Put something in the comments if you got some mommy issues.

Oh, my God. Wait, is this shaking okay? No, it's a little tight. It's tight. Okay.

And why am I talking about this? I'm talking about this because if you want to be in a dating program or with a dating coach, I want you to make sure that they have a section about healing. If they don't, they're doing you a disservice. They're not actually ensuring long term success.

In your love life. Because here's the thing, you could lower your standards tomorrow and get into a relationship, but weeks, months, years down the line, it's going to go up to shit if you're not able to heal.

I'm in the business of actually helping my clients find their forever plus one. So I'm helping them date and get in a relationship, not thinking about right now, but thinking about 20, 30 years from now, right? That's what this is about. So I want to make sure that the shit that you are hiding, that you are numb to, that you're neglecting, that you're ashamed of, comes to the surface and we're able to heal it, right? Because here's the thing, if you can't heal it, then that's how you're going to be showing up.

If you think about a pie chart. I'm sorry I'm going to school, but it's like I'm a schoolboy. What can I say? If you think about a pie chart, half of the pie is your healthy part, right? Your healed part. A quarter of the pie is your trauma, right? And the other quarter of the pie is your survival. Right? Now I'm going to keep it 100% real for my white ladies out there. Oftentimes your pie chart will look 50% healthy. A quarter trauma and a quarter survival. But for my women of color out there, I want to be very specific here because this is really important. Your pie chart will look like a third healing, a third trauma, and a third survival. And here's the thing, if you got a third of your healthy parts that you are trying to find a healthy partner, it's going to be harder for you.

Because your survival and your trauma parts are going to want to lead the way. So that's why we have to heal a lot of those parts so that you can have 50, 60, 70% healthy parts. And you can be leading with that because your healthy parts can actually. It's a greater possibility and probability that when you're healthier, you can also one actually seek out healthier partners. And also understand, because you're healthy, if the person you're talking to is actually healthy or not, or has a majority of healthy parts, if not. Right. You're going to be kind of leading with your trauma parts. And the trauma parts are the parts that get you into toxic relationships.

The survival parts are the parts that actually get you into dysfunctional, codependent relationships. Right. I don't want you to lead that way. So in my program, we get into healing. Now, if you don't want to get into my program, I have questions in here about how to join my program. I'll talk about that later. If you don't need a dating coach to do healing, I want to suggest that you find a therapist, that you find someone else. Not your friends, not your mama, a trained professional who can help you through those parts. Because without that, it's going to be hard to find success in love and relationships. So let's make sure that we're being honest about how we grew up. What are the things. And here's. Let me just give you an example, because I think that this might be really helpful for you. One of the exercises I do with my clients is I have them go in intervals of seven years. And I want you so from 0 to 7, 7 to 14, 14 to 21, 21 to 28, 28 to 35. And then however old you are, right. And I want you to actually talk about the things that happen while you were in that age range that negatively affected you. Because you're different people in each of those age ranges. And that means that you have different relationships with your parents in those age ranges, and they may show up differently for you in those age ranges. So I want to be very. I want you to get clear on what are the things that happen to you in each of those age ranges. It might help you break it down a little bit, because sometimes we can just be like, oh, my childhood. But your childhood is a decade, girl. More than a decade, a decade and a half.

Breaking it down helps you to understand. Oh, actually, you know what? When I was six years old, I remember this time where my mom didn't stick up for me, when this teacher was lying on me or when I was 14 years old, I remember that my mom didn't come to any of my athletic or academic ceremonies. Right. Or whatever it may be for you. Right. Or when I was, you know, 20 and or 21, my dad didn't come to my graduation. And that still sticks with me now. Right. Write it down. Because you got to know what you need to address. You got to be honest about that. Okay? So we talked about healing. Again, this is about you winning in 2022. That's really important for me.

Let's talk about clarity, clarity of self and clarity of others. Right. At all times, I want you to be asking yourself, what do I want and what do I need? What do I want and what do I need? Not just in relationships, but in the moment. Oftentimes we have this idealized version of okay, like, I want my dude to do X, Y and Z, and whatever it may be. Right.

But we neglect to actually be checking in with ourselves to figure it out, what we need at that moment. And what I know for sure is that your man is going to need to know how you are feeling at all times, which means that you're going to need to communicate that to him at all times. This is where the vulnerability comes in. If you can't do that, there's a disconnect. What is required for you to actually communicate how you're feeling with him at all times is for you to actually know.

Right? So you have to check in with yourself, and you can do it in a variety of ways. You can do it from a physical, a body perspective. Is your stomach hurting? Is your heart palpitating differently? Are your cheeks getting rosy? Is there a tightening of the chest? Right. Is your back hurting? Right? Is there feeling more weight on your shoulders? People hold stress and tension in a variety of different ways physically. So I want to make sure that one, you are actually focused on that when it comes to what you want and what you need, because that will tell you.

Those physical sensations are actually part of your intuition, that it is important for you to actually start letting lead oftentimes because.

We can be so empathetic that we're always focused on the other person. That's how we were taught to love by our mothers, of course, that we're not focused on our bodies and our minds and our spirits and our hearts. And when we're not focused on that, that's when shit can go awry. So I want to make sure that you are super focused on what it feels like in your body as well as. Once you can kind of tap into that, then you can start to trust yourself. Because what I know for sure is that your intuition will never lead you astray, but you've just got to trust it enough and listen to it when it does come up, right? And that's what checking in with yourself will always do. So that's when I. That's when I. When I'm talking about clarity, this is what I mean. Clarity of what you want, what you need, not just in life, but in each and every moment that you're living, right? And then having the confidence to speak it and communicate it in a way that makes sense. Okay? The last thing that I want you to do, because if you follow the things that I'm talking about right now, you're gonna find yourself in situations where you're gonna. You're gonna have men wanting to be with you. It happens to my clients all the time, actually. I have a client that has a variety of men that want to be with her. I want to talk about how you get to commitment, right? I think that there is an idealized version from Disney, from rom coms, from Teeny Bopper movies, that a guy is going to.

Tell you that he loves you, that he is going to tell you that he wants to be in a committed, exclusive relationship with you, that he's going to say that he wants to move in with you, that he's going to initiate the engagement or proposal. I want to let you know that that doesn't happen the majority of the time. That I want to let you know, in 2022, you're going to have to take the reins. The thing that a lot of women don't know is that.

You set the pace and the depth of all of your relationships.