Your Narc Mom and Family

Hello, my loves. I want to thank you for joining me today. I wanted to talk about something that I don't think gets talked about a lot with women of color. I want to talk about narcissism in the family and specifically our narcissistic mothers. Some of this might be a little bit difficult to really hear and internalize. You might have to listen to this a couple of times. Not because I want more downloads, girl, but because.

A lot of this isn't really talked about. And so it's weird to hear these things. Our first reaction is going to be, no, this is too much, or no, that's not me. I want us to stay open minded as we start to talk about experiences with our mothers. Right. And the family dynamic within the narcissistic mother. Why are mothers, let's say a little bit more narcissistic.

I would think. Right. And what I've seen in the research is that based on societal programming for mothers of color, Black, Latina, Asian.

That because society kind of shits on them so much, they're feeling like they're feeling so low and insecure about themselves that they actually try to live through their children. And they need to have. They need to be compensated by getting all of this love, attention and devotion from their children because society isn't doing it and oftentimes their partners aren't doing it as well. Right. And so I wanted to give that context and that background because there are kind of more macro things happening beyond just what's happening in the household when we're thinking about our narcissistic mothers. Okay, So I want to talk about the different kinds of narcissistic mothers that I've seen about. And please let me know if one of these mothers was yours. You can always message me@anwargetyourguycoaching.com or you can also send me a DM at IG. And the IG is getyourguycoaching. Okay. Okay. So let me start off with the six kinds of narcissistic moms out there. So the first one I would say is the flamboyant kind of extrovert mom. I'm using this one first because I have some personal experience.

So this mom is.

You know, she is the mom that everyone thinks is.

Cut. That.

This is the mom that is a bit louder, more extroverted and just out there. Right. She's an entertainer, she's charming, she's charismatic, she's loved by everyone, but also secretly feared at home.

And this is the mom that really Only cares about how the daughter makes her look. And she treats others really well, but doesn't really offer the same kind of love and warmth and treatment to her own daughter.

The flamboyant, extroverted mother. She's. Her life is like a show, right? And the daughter has to fit into that life that she's created.

And if she doesn't, if she doesn't conform to her world, there's an issue, there's a problem. This mother would also be maybe a bit materialistic and, you know, maybe dances around the room to get attention. I know my mom used to sing in public when we were in the grocery store or at the thrift store. And that's how she would get her attention. This is what you would see typically in like a, like when, like a Hollywood mom or a momager.

So think Kris Jenner. Right? Okay, so the second kind of mom I want to talk about is the kind of accomplishment oriented mom. And this is, you know, know.

I want you to think about this. Like, she's really focused on what her daughter achieves, right? And she's focused on making sure that that is kind of the paramount thing. And she cares about how successful externally the daughter is, not necessarily how she feels. She expects the daughter to perform at the highest of levels. And she may even create what I would consider perfectionist daughters, right. Who never feel like they're good enough. These are the daughters that. I'm sorry, these are the moms that are also brags all the time about their daughter's accomplishments to others and puts that, you know, even more pressure on them.

She's using her really high achieving daughter as a boost of ego, right.

But will rarely tell her daughter directly to her face that she's actually proud of her.

The thing that's like super confusing about this dynamic is that the daughter could be accomplishing something, but the mother may not be supportive. Then the daughter actually achieves the accomplishment. She. And then the mom kind of just like uses it to boost her own ego. And this is like really confusing for a lot of daughters out there. If you're that daughter, please raise that hand girl. Right. In these accomplishments, though, the thing that I see often is that the mom, when she's pushing her daughter to actually achieve these accomplishments, then turns around and is internally really jealous of her daughter that she's actually accomplished this. She feels good because she's made her daughter do all of these amazing things, but also secretly resents and is jealous of her daughter as she accomplishes these things.

This is the mom that also is judging people based on their accomplishments, such as, like, what college they go to or what kind of job that they have. So I want us to realize that if you had this kind of mom, I could understand why you are perfectionist and why you are picky when it comes to men, right? Because that's how you were trained and programmed.

Okay, the next kind of narc mom that I want to talk about is the psychosomatic one. And this is the mom that uses pain and aches and illness to manipulate others.

She might even fake some illnesses just to get some attention. And she feels like the daughter must take care of her, right?

And in doing so, the daughter feels this. This pressure to take care of mothers. These are the same daughters that get into a dating dynamic of feeling like they have to take care of their. Their men, right? If they don't take care of the mothers, then these psychosomatic moms make the daughters feel super guilty for not taking care of their sick mother. And they'll play victim, right. When the attention is being taken away from them.

I know that this seems really extreme, but these moms might actually faint or fake a headache just to get attention.

And these moms do this because it helps them escape their actual feelings or face reality, right?

In this situation, the daughter can never be sicker than the mother. And if that's the actual case, the mother will feel like she isn't being cared for. Taking. Taken care for. Taken care.

If you have this dynamic, then you probably will also have a very enabling father. And he will say things like, you know, look at what you've done to your mother. Don't tell your mother. It'll make her sick or upset. All of these different things.

Super toxic, right? So that's the psychosomatic mom.

The fourth kind of narc mom is the addictive mother. And this, you know, it's interesting, right? Addiction and narcissism, they go together so often. And addiction doesn't have to be like drugs. It doesn't have to be smoking. It can be shopping. It can be sex, right? It can be a variety of different things that she might be addicted to.

Again, addiction is a way to not face their emotional anxiety or their problems. So this type of mom will use drugs or alcohol or the other things that they may be addicted to as a way to escape. She is.

Ignoring the issues and the problems, right? So when you tell me, oh, yeah, we didn't really talk about a lot of things, but, yeah, I was taken care of, right? I had everything that I wanted and needed, Right? Maybe your mom was addicted to shopping and that's the way that she actually managed her emotions and feelings.

Okay, the next mom, the narc mom that I want to talk about is the secretly mean mom. Now, this is the type of mom that has, like, a public and private Persona. She's, like, kind and loving and attentive in public toward the actual daughters. But at home, she's abusive and cruel. Right? Maybe like at church, she is just this loving, perfect mother. Or at school and at home, she might actually be physically abusive to.

Her daughter or emotionally abusive with her rage. This type of mom will generally tell her daughter, your fat, fat, you need to lose weight. You look like a slut, and then act like an angel in front of the public or others. Right? So as a daughter, it'll be really confusing for you to understand, how does this person actually feel about me? Right? Because these messages are so extreme. And it makes.

Oftentimes many daughters feel like they're crazy. Like they don't know what's right and what's wrong. So it's hard for them to trust what people are saying to them and about them.

Okay? And then the final mom that I want to talk about, she is what I call, like, the emotionally needy mom.

Obviously, I think all narcissistic moms are emotionally needy at some level, but this mom is more extreme.

She wears her emotions on her sleeve, and she expects her daughter to take all care of her. When that happens, when she's being super emotional, she may see. She may see.

She's probably going to say things like, why are you questioning your mother after all I've done for you? Or she'll say, and that is, like, really popular in the Asian community. All my Asian sisters, please shout out if that's you. Or she'll say things like, nobody appreciates all that I do. I did my best.

She'll try to outmatch her daughter when it comes to things such as being tired. And she'll say things like, well, you know, I. You know, when I was your age, I had three kids and I was lugging around everything with me, and you don't even know what tired is, right? Just kind of always being competitive about anything and everything, especially as it pertains to any sort of emotional feeling that she or the daughter may be having at that time.

So those are the six kind of emotionally, like, those are the six narcissistic mother types. And I'm super interested in figuring out what has been your experience with these narcissistic mothers. Because I want to let you know that if there are issues in your love life, this is a huge core of it, and I want to make sure that you are super clear about that. Okay?

Okay. So I want to talk about just the general family dynamic when we have, like, a narcissistic mother in there. And I want to just. I want to see if this has been your experience, because a lot of people, like, think that their childhood is normal when actually it's not. And it's hard to kind of own that narcissistic label as it pertains to our mother and our family. But again, this podcast and my work is about getting truth, getting to the T, and healing from it. Right. And sometimes that's going to be stark and it's gonna hurt, but I think it's important in the long run. Okay. So as a child in a narcissistic family, I think that generally you're probably not heard, not seen, and not nurtured. I know that is super popular in the black community. We are supposed to be seen and not heard, and there's not a lot of nurturing happening because our parents are busy working and putting food on the table and making sure that we are making the rent or mortgage to make sure that we have a house to actually lay our heads on or in. So, yeah, not heard, not seen, not nurtured. There's also a lack of boundaries. Right. Parents can be emotionally and physically abusive towards them as they see fit. Right. There's this pathology around whooping your child in the black community that's been your experience. Realize that is a lack of boundaries. Right.

Another thing that I want you to be thinking about is this. This notion of authentic communication. Right. And when I say that, I mean that you are able to tell your truth, how you are truly feeling.

If that's the case, great. A lot of times we were not grown. We were not raised that way. We had to keep the peace, as a lot of my clients say. Right. Many times the parents are focusing on themselves and not necessarily the children.

And parents, oftentimes in narcissistic families also expect their children to react to their needs.

This family, this narc family, doesn't actually deal with feelings well or even at all.

Oftentimes there's a lack of emotional connection with their children.

Another thing that I want you to be thinking about in this narcissistic family dynamic is that everyone attends to the mother. Right. And the children's needs are almost never met. Totally. Right.

There's another kind of unspoken rule. An Unspoken rule that.

The dysfunction of the family needs to be kept a secret. Right. Oftentimes, I know in the black community, we'll talk about not every tearing out our dirty laundry or keeping family business in the house. Right. That's what this is about.

And what does that mean? Well, for children, usually they keep quiet because they fear abandonment. Right. And they end up masking their own feelings and pretend like everything is okay to survive when it actually isn't. This is how we abandon ourselves, how we are emotionally dishonest with ourselves, which in turn allows us to be emotionally dishonest with others. This is why there's disconnection in your relationships. Right. The children also don't learn to express themselves, or they don't know how to regulate their emotions, and they don't get in touch with their feelings. Right. So. So when you're not telling your truth and you get really upset and then you pop off and you become the angry black woman, because we haven't learned how to regulate our emotions and get in touch with our feelings, that's where this comes from.

And this shows up in other relationships as well. When you become adults in your working relationships, in your friendships.

We see this often.

Here's the thing. Here's the thing that I want you to really think about. Because when children can't really rely on their parents to meet their needs, they can't have that sense of safety and trust or confidence.

And building trust is a really important part of your developmental process.

If you, a child, can't trust your parents, then you can't trust yourself.

And you don't feel safe. And it'll be very hard for you to find safety in the future because you don't know what it looks like and you don't know what it feels like.

Specifically, daughters will experience a lack of confidence and have issues in their relationships like you may have. Right. This is why we're talking about this. A lot of this isn't often talked about, but it needs to be right. We talked a little bit about the six types of narcissistic mothers.

I want you to realize, though, that the way that a mom actually shows up is going to be different throughout a child's life. Oftentimes, narcissistic moms will be really nurturing when the baby is a baby because she can control and mold the baby. Right. As the child gets older and starts speaking for themselves and developing a sense of themselves, the mother can start to begin to criticize and demean her just so that they can stay in control.

And this is why there are a lot of daughters out there that may struggle to make decisions and to take care of themselves. Oftentimes we're told that from ages 7 to 12.

For young girls, they're light dims. And a lot of people attribute that to school and bullies and things like that. But a lot of that is also happening in the home, and I want you to be super aware of that. Okay.

As the child grows up right around 6 or 7. Right. The narcissistic mother feels entitled to have preferential treatment because she has the title of mother. There's no room for the daughter. It's all about the mother.

In order for daughters to develop and take care of themselves, they need to set boundaries. They need to state what they want from a relationship. And a daughter of a narc mom doesn't learn this. So if you have some boundary issues, I want you to be thinking about your relationship with your mom. And if you have any. If you've set boundaries with her or not. Most of y', all I know because I've done this work for so long. Do not. And that's an issue and something that we need to address. And that's what I do in my program.

Again, I want us to be thinking about how this is affecting your love life, because I know for many of you out there that have narc moms that it was all about what she wants and that you had to repress your feelings and needs.

And you had to learn to deny yourself and your feelings and learn to be fake. Right. There's obviously a racial code switching, but there's also a general safety code switching as well. Right. That happens. That's based not just on race, but just based on the parental dynamic that I want us to be super aware of.

So I'm hoping that you have a lot of clarity around what the.

What it looks like.

When you are.

With a narcissistic mom. And also you have.

Tried to.

Manage cut that.

I'm hoping that you are getting a lot more clarity around what it actually looks like to be in a household. A narcissistic household. Right.

Ideally, what you will need to do to heal from your mother wound is you're going to have to mourn the loss of the fantasy of the mother you wish you had.

Because as you know, she's not going to change and things will not be different. And you're going to need to allow yourself to grieve that fantasy of the ideal mother.

That's what's necessary here.

Healing.

Is looking at your Trauma through a different lens. This lens that I'm talking about is focused on the fact that this was not your fault and that you are not bad. It's about understanding that narcissistic moms.

Were the issue.

And that you're gonna need to reframe parts of your life so that you can see it wasn't you.

You don't have to blame yourself anymore within six to eight weeks, right? Whether he wants to be with. With a woman.

You don't have to blame yourself anymore.

You can love someone.

I had an episode with Gia Lee about reparenting yourself, and I just want to talk a little bit about what that kind of looks like, right? Because one, we have to grieve this loss.

But two, part of healing requires learning how to mother yourself. Since you weren't truly loved for being you, it's hard to do.

But just as a new mother who doesn't know, you know, what motherhood looks like and what it. What it entails.

She lets her instinct and her heart guide her, and I want you to do the same. Right? So when you hear that inner critic.

When you're trying to be nurturing toward yourself, say, this is, you know, you're an idiot. This is silly. I need you to ignore it. I need you to allow yourself to be loving to yourself.

Right? When you're feeling like there's no idea where you want to start with the healing, start with acknowledging it, just like we've done in this podcast, right?

And letting the guilt go.

Because there's also guilt about not being there for your inner child sooner. If I know my clients, that's the first thing that they would say. I should have known about this already. No.

Not a lot of people are talking about this, so how could you have known?

The other things that I want you to be focused on are. Are really protecting yourself so you don't get hurt understanding what this, what narcissism, what narcissism looks like, and avoiding it. Not just in your familial relationships and your friendships, and also in your romantic relationships as well. Look, I get it. You're probably scared about the big feelings that will come up and you not being able to control them. That's okay. Sometimes you get to have these big feelings, right? On the other side of those big feelings is your healing is the life that you want to live, right?

So I want you to give yourself as much love as possible.

Whether it's a high five in the mirror, whether it's in my journal every day I write, I absolutely Love myself, right?

You have to get into the habit of doing this.

Because at first your inner child may not trust you and that's okay. But with time, your inner child will. It needs to learn how to trust. Takes time, but I want you to keep at it.

As you become more nurturing toward yourself, it's going to unlock more fears and more defenses. That means that you're on the right track.

I want you to practice this self awareness and understand that these may not come from you, but from your parents. The voices in your head, the things that are saying to you. This is stupid. I should know these things, right?

If you need help with this, I want you to be thinking about a time that you are super nurturing to another person. Like your best friend, right? And use that template for yourself. Because I'm sure that you would never talk to your best friend the way that you talk to yourself.

Right?

Think of that time that you were super nurturing or protective or took care of someone. Feel that feeling and stick with it. When it comes to mothering yourself.

This exercise can give you an idea of how it feels to nurture someone. Use it for yourself. You're worth it and you deserve it.

Again, it will take time and this doesn't happen overnight.

But what I do know for sure is the more that you give to your inner child, the more that that child will trust that you can take care of of it. And this will help aid in your healing. It's going to boost your self esteem and it will help you separate psychologically from your narcissistic mother.

Start healing from that, Mama. Narcissism, ladies. That's what this is about. I hope that you've gotten something from this.

This is part of the work. These are the things that we focus on in my program and really getting healed and getting true clarity about what does this look like for you and how it affects your relationships. If this is something that you are wanting to learn more about, I want to encourage you to book a free consultation call with me and join either my one on one services or my group coaching program. All right my loves, it's time to heal.

Bye now.