Your Singleness is Not a Failure! With Reka Robinson

Hey, girl. Welcome to the GetYourGuy coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week you'll hear actionable advice, tips and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively and understanding men so that you can, you guessed it, get your guy. Are you ready to level up your love life? All right, let's go.

I never felt the way I do without anyone but you.

Hello, my loves. And thank you so much for joining me on the get your guy coaching podcast. I have amazing, amazing, amazing coach with me today on the podcast, Rika Robinson. She is a self love and boundaries coach and she is going to talk to us about singleness and how to truly embrace it. Give the people the T. Girl, what do you do? Talk about your business and like how you got into this work.

To answer that question, I should start with the how I got into the work because that is really the heart of what I do. Being the AKA the single girl's life coach and the boundaries coach and self love coach, I guess. Unfortunately, fortunately, it comes from my own story. And through 2015 and 2017, those two years I was in what we would call today, what I know now in retrospect, was in an emotionally abusive, narcissistic, gaslighting relationship. And when I was going through it, I had no idea that that was happening to me. I can just remember and I don't. Why am I tearing up right now? Oh my God. I'm like transported back to that scared girl.

Let it out. This is what this space is all about.

Yeah. Usually I'm like really good at just telling the story and just, you know, moving on, but. But there are times where I'm just like, dang, man, I was so lost and that woman that I was trying to get this goal of marriage, what society said was the goal, right. Like this is as a faith based black woman in this country, you are only valuable once you get married and start having kids. After that, let's discard you. The world becomes very suspicious of a woman who is single with no kids after 30. And so that relationship was from 32 to 34. And. And maybe we'll go into the reasons why I was in it and this and that, but so I was in that relationship and then I got out of that relationship in. Sorry, June of 2017.

Congratulations on that.

Right. Because he actually broke up with me. He would always accuse me of cheating and being sneaky and all of this. Now, I know that is projection because.

Yes, girl. Count the tea, girl. Yes.

And more. Listen, you know, And I know, you.

Know, girl, when they say, you're cheating, they're cheating.

They're cheating.

They're cheating. Ladies out there, when they say, hey, what you got going on on your phone? No, they got something going on on their phone.

They have something going on on their phone. Yeah, that is. It was classic projection. But of course, I didn't know this back then. So, anyway, he. He broke up with me saying he couldn't trust me, quote unquote. And I remember I started crying, and it wasn't because, oh, my God, he's breaking up with me. I need him. I'm trying to get him back. It was this release. Yeah, this wait. Because I knew in the first two weeks that I met him that we were not supposed to be together. Couldn't believe that me, Rika, Janelle Robinson, Howard University graduate, two parent household, wonderful childhood, went through something like that. I could not believe it. And so I was very shameful. So I hit it. And then I heard God say, oh, no, I'm gonna use this story. I'm gonna use it. And I was like, use it how? Because I ain't telling nobody. Ain't nobody about to hear about what I went through. Because I didn't want to embarrass my parents. I didn't want to embarrass me. So anyway, in December of 2017, so that six months remove, I went to Mexico by myself on a solo trip for like 10 days, Christmas of December of 2017. And there were three questions that I asked myself. And it was, who am I? Who does God say I am? And how am I going to show up in this world from now on? And I got to the business of answering those questions. And in those questions came Single U Academy. So that's how we arrive at Now I have this business because the things that I learned on that journey, I was like, nobody told me, like, anwar, did anybody tell you growing up, right, Say, okay, this is narcissism. This is gaslighting. This is love bombing. Oh, yeah. And there's like a difference between healthy hard versus, like, dysfunctional. And you should probably stay away from this. And this is projection. Nobody sits us down, right. To have these conversations down and also.

Situation some of the familial dynamics. And I have some episodes earlier in the season about this. When you're coming from a Brown and a black family are actually narcissistic in nature. So oftentimes what will happen is that that narcissism will feel familiar and will feel like love when actually it's toxic.

When actually it's toxic.

And so the generational pathology that we continue on happens through the adult romantic relationships that we have. And so part of our responsibility and what I'm trying to do with this generation of women of color is to.

Break some of those patterns 100%. And it's not to throw our parents under the bus or anything. A lot of the traits that we have in the black community obviously come from slavery, right? And I guarantee you my mother or my father could not explain to me. They didn't know. They needed to tell me what narcissism was, let alone know what it was. You know what I mean? Like, or what love bombing and projection is. They didn't. I don't think that they ever had that language. Maybe they do now. And especially because we do now. And millennials, you know, our generation is like, we've had enough of the riff raff, right? We're not with the shits no more. And so when we get into these fields of mental health and stuff, now these words and these definitions are being put out there. When I was on my journey, that is when I was like, I'm gonna do exactly what Maya Angelou said. First of all, I felt like God, like I said, said I would use this story. I read the Purpose Driven Life by Pastor Rick Warren when I was in Mexico. And in the book, he explains how your greatest shame will be the thing that heals others. And it's true, like, because look how much that does for our healing, your healing. So when I'm sharing with my friends, we can all heal and go, oh, my God, I went through the same thing. Oh, my God. Because it's in our secrets and in our shame where the devil gets busy and tells you the only one, you dumb girl. Why would you do that? You stupid. And we keep it in, and then we keep repeating the cycle or we just become bitter and self destruct. So, yeah, so then I started executing Maya Angelou's quote, when you learn, you teach. And so here I am now as.

And we are so glad you're here, girl. We're so glad we're going to talk all about singleness. Because here's the thing. Our white girl counterparts are probably going to get married at 23, 24, 25, and we are probably going to get married in our 30s. And so there's going to be a longer period of time that we are actually going to be single so we've got to be okay with that. And I brought you onto this podcast to help the listeners figure out how to become one with it, become happy with it. Because if you're not, you're not going to change that. Happy people get married happy.

You know what?

Yes.

I was just reading an article that said that it was, like, breaking down because a lot of people think married people are the happiest, like, construct, I guess, and it's not necessarily true, but they did say happy people are the ones who do get married and stay married. You know what I mean? And so, yes, you have to be happy with your singleness. Arrive at that place of being content, like, okay, cool. And then find a partner. He'll find you, whatever, however you believe that goes, and then you'll have a better relationship.

I'm so glad that you shared your story because I think it's really good in terms of a representation of the pressure that a woman can feel in society about having to be in a relationship. Very Malcolm X style, by any means necessary.

Right? Because. And that's what keeps us stuck in these shitty relationships, right? And then after this, we get scared of relationships and fearful, and we don't want to get into it because we don't want to repeat that pattern. And then we. We want to get into it because we have this, like, inherent human thing inside of us that's telling us, no, we yearn for connection and relationship, but we're scared of what happens. Right? So I would love for you to talk a little bit more about kind of that push and pull of feeling like, I need to have this, but also, like, maybe the pressure, external and also internal versus, like, fear that happens.

So let's talk about some of the reasons that I stayed in that relationship. It was definitely the pressure of your goal in life as a woman, especially a black woman, and you call yourself a woman of faith, is to get married and have kids. And when you are growing up in church and even just in the society, we get the same messages, but especially growing up in church. They will use be fruitful and multiply. It is not good for man to be alone against you and always question your singleness. Again, society gets very suspicious about single women. And when you are single, they then begin to tell you it's because of something you are doing wrong.

Right?

So when you're in a relationship, as trash as it may be, you are trying to quote, unquote, get it right so you don't feel like a failure when this, yet again, another relationship ends you try to stick it out. Ride or die. We act as if it's, like, in our job situation, right? We're like, ride or die. Stick it out. You spend three years here, you'll finally get the promotion, and we're like, gung ho and head first, and we dive super headfirst into climbing up the ladder of, you know, whatever career we have. And we think that's the way relationships should work. And we think that when you break up, that means you're a failure. But I say we have to unlearn that right? Because if the relationship is not fruitful, flourishing, or fulfilling, I call it a win. If you break up. Why are we together if we are not fruitful, flourishing, and fulfilling? If the relationship is not that, if we are not making each other better. There we go. Then why are we together? Because society says we have to be. Because society said that living this life as a couple is better than anything else. Absolutely not. That is not the holy grail of happiness. And anybody who gets married and then especially divorced will tell you that. Nope, it's not the holy grail. So the push and pull of, like, you're trash because you're a single woman. Hurry up and get married. Listen, Thanksgiving is coming up, right?

Period.

Are gonna be with our older aunties. Old and bitter, by the way. Aunties, most of them. Yep. Or in a trash relationship, right? Asking us, where your man at? Where your kids at? Like, I couldn't tell the last boyfriend.

Who are you dating right now?

Who you dating?

Are you seeing anyone?

Yeah, girl, he fine. How come you don't go with, you know, Michael got a son, you know, that maybe y' all would fit together. Maybe you should meet him. Like, everything rises and falls on that to our relatives, and they never ask us about anything else. But unfortunately, what happens psychologically is we begin again to hold up their standards because they're projecting all of this on us, and we're like, oh, yeah, that's the only thing that makes me valuable. Because the last time my family was together as a whole to celebrate Rika was when I graduated from Howard University, and that was in 2006. Now I done bought a house, my radio career is dope. I started my business. Nothing. Crickets. Now from my parents, I'll give them their flowers because they support me and everything. I love my parents, and they don't really pressure me into, like, marriage and kids. But I guarantee you, the moment I announce that I am getting married or whatever I do, if they are not invited, they will be upset.

Yeah, yeah.

And they will want to celebrate that.

And I think it's really important for us to understand that there is a reason why our older generations are focused on that. Right. Because they were also taught that their value is that. So all they are doing is just replicating what they were taught and reprogramming. Right. Again, it is our responsibility to actually set boundaries around how we are going to live our life and realize that we don't have to subscribe to how they live their lives. Right. We can say when they ask us, are you seeing anyone? No, I'm not seeing anyone. Did you want to ask me about other parts of my life?

Yes. How about this last book that I just read? You want to talk about that?

Yeah. You get to. You get to direct the conversation how you want it. Because I'm saying this because I think a lot of people dread this question. Right. When in reality, it's an opportunity to just let them know how amazing you are. Right. Or you get to. You also get to set boundaries and say, yeah, I'm not really going to be talking about my love life today.

Yeah. Yeah. And also cultivating in your single season an amazing life. Instead of sitting on your couch, Netflix and chilling with yourself, drinking wine, crying, because you don't have a man to share that experience with. What do you want to do? Who is the woman you want to be? Remember when I went to Mexico, I asked myself, who does God say I am? Who am I? And how do I want to show up in this world from now on? I want to be a woman who travels. I don't need a man to do that. So now when people do ask me about where your man at or whatever, I have other things to talk about, you know? Well, did you just know? I just finished my first psychology credit. That's what I did. Or do you know, when I went to Atlanta, I went to this museum. Have you been like, now you'll have also other things in your arsenal, you to speak on to negate this conversation of if you got a man or not.

I think that's really important. And one of the things that I do in my program in some of the, like first modules is we go through all of your life goals, right. Just so that you can realize that your romantic goals is just one of eight major goals happening in your life. That it doesn't have to be the be all, end all that you get to actually spend a representative amount of time with this goal as you're doing all of your other goals. Your career, your. Your Health, your financial. Right. Your educational goals. So many other goals out there than just the romantic. And you something earlier which I think is really important about this notion of being a failure.

Right.

Just because you're not in a relationship doesn't necessarily mean that you are a failure. Right. There's this thing called attribution. And attribution is about whose fault you're making it. Right. And in relationships, you can either make it your fault, you can make it their fault, you can make it the fault of the relationship, or you can make it the fault of society. A macro. Right. There are four different attributions. You can actually.

Good. Okay.

In all of these situations, the interesting thing is that for most women that are unhappy in their singleness, they make.

It their fault 100%.

So I want us to be thinking about as we're thinking about how to flip that around is it's not anyone's fault. Right. I think it's important to understand the situation, which is 90% of the guys out there are not ready for any anything like this.

And also two things can be true. Right. You can say, listen, it is what it is. The relationship ended. But I do have some things I need to work on.

Correct. And that.

So that doesn't make it, oh, you're a failure, you suck, you're trash. Look at you. Single woman. Yeah. Like, let's just be honest because I will never. When that relationship ended, I didn't say he did this to me. He is. And listen, what he did do to me, I'm not negating any of that. And I pray for him and I hope he's worked on himself. But the first question I asked myself was, how did I get here?

Right.

Because why would I allow this? And so I had to take that deep dive, look at myself in the mirror and undress me bit by bit, get naked, be in the shame of it all and say, how can I get a better experience moving forward because I do desire a husband, but this ain't it, boo. We're not doing this again.

You know, But I think it's. It's a both and right. I think we have to actually look at all of those different things and say, how did all of these things contribute and co create this situation? Right. Instead of just making it all on you. Because making everything your fault is a trauma response, right?

Yeah.

And what Rika and I are trying to do is make sure that we're healing from those traumas around. Why you are single and what is it about you that makes you less Than there's so many things in society that are going to try to make you feel that way. Right. And your ability to make it your fault or to say I'm sorry immediately are all part of that trauma response that I think is really important for us to have highlight because it is that. That we have to heal, that it's actually no one's fault. No one's. You know what I'm saying? It is what it is. We have to understand why we react or feel the way that we do.

And in that trauma, I had to figure out why I bought into that lie that I was a failure and I had to make it work. Make it work, girl. Because then that means you win and you get to be the good woman behind the good man.

Relationships are the only thing that are valued based on the length. Right. You can literally be in a shitty relationship for 40 years, but people think that you're a success. It has nothing to do with the quality of the relationship.

Throw you a party. Like, look at grandma Eve and grandpa Todd. Look at their relate. They've been for 45 years and you have no idea the hell that they've been in.

Or everybody knows that they are horrible with each other, but they stick together because nobody else will have them and.

They still celebrate them. No one is terrible.

Yeah. It's so crazy. What about some other myths about like being in a relationship that you've heard of or you've researched in the work that you do that I think is important to dispel?

Oh, I believe that we have an underdeveloped, over fantasized and over spiritualized idea of relationships. So some of the myths are like, it's going to be this. We lock eyes, he sees you, the world slows down, your hair's blowing in the wind.

Real rom com.

Yeah, yeah, very rom com. That's wife. And it's just going to work out. We lean way too much into our butterflies, into our vagina. Kind of percolating, like romantic of it all. And couldn't there be romance? Absolutely. But that is not the end all, be all. There is work that is involved in having a relationship that is fruitful, flourishing and fulfilling. There is work, work that is involved in a relationship where two people can grow together. I think the myth is we think that it is easier than it actually is and not that it's hard in an unhealthy way, because I do think there's a difference between healthy hard versus, like toxic and dysfunctional. But that's what I see as the Myth is like we see each other and then we like, okay, cool. Yep, this is gonna work because my little. I'm getting butterflies.

Woo.

Let's get married.

So I think you highlighted two really interesting points, right? One about the Disney fantasy of it all, right? That you are the Little Mermaid and you're gonna see your boo and suddenly he is everything and something's gonna work out, right? I think interesting thing about that, which we get programmed as kids to believe that, especially girls, right? Interesting about that is that they never show you what happens afterward.

Afterwards.

So you just assume that everything is hunky. Tory, at the end of the movie, it's our, like, recency bias, right? That happens, right? So to your point about nothing, nothing hard happens about that, which I think is interesting. The second thing that you've highlighted, which I think is really important, is that this notion of butterflies is the thing that is going to guide you to know that this is the actual person that you're supposed to be with. And I think it's so interesting because, let's be honest, everyone out there, you've had butterflies with a lot of different men out there, and they. Most of them have not worked out or all of them have not worked out. So just based on evidence alone, we know that your butterflies don't work. What they are, and the research says, though, is that that's actually anxiety and those are hormones that are happening, right. That actually are not serving you because they're actually messing with the way that you're able to critically think the. The butterflies. I think sometimes women can think that. That's my intuition.

And it's not.

It's not your intuition. It's actually the opposite of your intuition. Your intuition will not make you feel out of control. It will feel very definite. And you will have a sense of calm and relief when something comes to you. Right? This. The butterflies are out of control. Right? There's no control with that. Right. Which is so interesting. Okay, so let's talk a little bit about some of the reasons why some of these women out there are actually single, right? Because here's the thing, there's a lot of different reasons. Internal, external, everything. So I think it's important for us to talk about this because we have to be honest and real about single dumb for us to understand it, girl. Is it you? Is it them? Is it who? What's going on here? So what are some of the top things that you're seeing in terms of why some of some ladies out there are single?

So I'll go Back to the underdeveloped and over spiritualize and over fantasize. You actually have no idea. You know what you want, but you don't know how to get what you want. And how you get what you want is in your behavior. It is in your, like, boundary setting. But because we want the goal of marriage, we will do anything to get that, including something that's at the detriment of ourselves. So even though you'll say, like, well, I don't want a man who does X, y and Z, but then when you get to 32 or whatever, you start to, like, settle, well, I guess that's okay. So you'll allow men to get away with more because your goal is marriage.

In this marriage, Girl. Yes.

Yeah. Like, our goals shouldn't necessarily be marriage. Right. The goal for me, and you'll hear me say this a lot, is I want a fruitful, flourishing and fulfilling relationship with a man. And then, of course, I guess in this society will be what is called married. But it's not. A lot of us just want the big wedding with the white dress and the sparkles and because we want to be all girly and all of that. But that is not what actually makes a good relationship. It's not the day of the wedding. And so to your point of why are we single? It's because we don't know how to actually get what we want. Because our idea of relationships and healthy relationships is underdeveloped. Okay? So that's number one. Number two, when I say over spiritualized. So you know the Sierra prayer is going on, right? Like, everybody's, oh, my God, I need to pray this Sierra prayer. But the problem is God is not going to make alterations to the future that you picked. So Future being the rapper, right? So if we're gonna. We're gonna use these as examples. Future and Russell women, Black women, right? Want a future to be a Russell Wilson instead of picking the Russell Wilson.

That's right.

So then you date Future. Because to black women, that is the epitome of the black man, the swag. And we like that. So then we get with him, bypassing all the red flags, not setting boundaries. And then we're six months, eight months a year in. We've already had sex. We're already heart all the way in. And then we begin to pray the Sierra prayer, hoping that he will become Russell Wilson. God is not going to make alterations. He already told you, that's not for you, boo. It's not for you. And so you again, are trying to make him become Russell Wilson. Instead of waiting for the Russell Wilson, we should be praying for our Russell as we are single.

Right? Yeah.

And ask God for discernment. Yeah. And then ask God for, like, discernment. To me, it's about, like, character. Who is this man really? And so when I'm, like, dating, I'm data collecting, like, who is he really? Instead of this fantasy of who I want him to be.

That's right. That's it. That's it. That's 100% it. Because I think it's really interesting. One of the things that I talk about with my clients a lot is radical acceptance. Right. Accepting of all individuals, of all of their behaviors as they are.

It is, yes.

Right. Not about how we want them to be. Right. And no, if he's going to show up that way, we're going to accept it. But we get to make a conscious decision about whether we're going to engage in that or not. Right. It's our responsibility to teach him how to be a human being.

Because I want us to think about how hard is it for you, single woman to change you. So let's say you want to lose 20 pounds. You've been trying to lose the same 20 pounds for a whole two, you know, two years, 18 months. It's hard for you to make changes in your life. So then why do you think you'll get with this man and he has all these little character flaws that you don't like, that you think he's going to change for you?

Why?

If you don't, like you said, radically accept him as who he is on day one, it's not going to work out. He's never going to change for you nine times out of 10. And people shouldn't be changing for people technically. Right. Like, all the changes that I make with my life should be for me. Because the moment you do it for somebody else, it's going to fall off, especially when that person leaves you or whatever. Right. So I love that you say that, that radical acceptance. Stop falling for this potential. Or like, oh, I think future could be a Russell Wilson. So let me just pray and ride or die and stick it out with him until he becomes Russell.

Here's the thing that I think is important that we don't talk about a lot as a greater people, Right. Is that when we, when we're single, sometimes we get desperate, right? We get desperate. And I think that intellectually we know that no future isn't it? Right. But our bodies are telling us that we like the Attention, Right. That it's not about who he is, but how I feel around him. And I think the important thing to really consider and focus on is that you can actually get that feeling in a variety of different ways. Doesn't have to be with him. And so when you're engaging and interacting with a new guy, right, you get to wait for the nine or the 10, right. You don't have to settle for the five or the six just because he's a five or a six. And you think that the five and the six is better than the zero or the no man that you have, but actually, because you're worth it. You're worth the nine or the ten. And that while you're waiting for him to come into your life, you can get yourself to a 9 or a 10. Right. Instead of just settling for the 5 or the 6. Because if you continue with the 5 or the 6 on a scale from 0 to 10, you actually meet that level and you become the 5 or the 6.

And then you never actually meet your highest potential. You never actually meet your highest success self because now you're in this relationship where he's not pulling you up, you ain't pulling him up, and you just, I don't want a relationship. I don't want a marriage like that. I don't want that.

No one does, right?

No one.

Yeah, but it tricks you. It tricks you into thinking, oh, I'm a five. So that's why when you get out of the relationships, the shitty ones, that is, you're like, I'm not feeling. Not feeling great about myself. Well, yeah, girl, because you're at a five right now.

No shade. No shade.

We are all at our moments, but I think it's important to realize that you got stuck on this five level when you really were at nine or a 10. So our work, as you were saying, as you're working on yourself and you're eat, pray, loving, and you're doing all of this to get you back to that nine or ten.

Yeah. And can I just say something about the being honest with yourself while you're in your single season and then also enjoying the attention. Like, in my journey, I realized, like, you know, there's a lot of people who say they have trust issues. I. I don't have trust issues, and I've been cheated on like the rest of them. I actually have do you like me? Issues. So then what I did is I began to perform whatever it is you wanted in a woman. Right. Which is why I also never ask men Anymore what they want in a woman. This, I don't care. I'm Rika. And if you choose that Rika is what you want in a woman, cool. Then we could work that out, like, because that put me in a space of like, okay, this is what he said he wanted. So let me try to be this. And then also dimming my light, especially in that relationship that I was talking about earlier. He had a problem with me being this big personality that I am. He was drawn to it. But then when he got me, he tried to dim that. He didn't want anybody else to have that. And so now he put this butterfly under a Mason jar. And I was like, oh, okay, well, this is how I have to be. So I began to perform because I wanted him to, like, pick me, right? That pick me syndrome. Because I wanted him to like me, to pick me so I can finally get married and please all my aunties instead of saying, so I can finally get married and have a fruitful, flourishing and fulfilling life, or because that's something I want to do or whatever. It was always about what he thought of me and then everybody else. I picked up Rika. And who you are, naturally, let's just put you away because you're never going to get what you want actually out of this life. And in a relationship, if you are who you are, naturally, that is the radical honesty that you have to have with yourself. So now when I'm dating, I no longer have blinders on. I'm watching my behaviors when I'm, like, around men, that I'm like, he's sexy fine, and he's giving me a little bit attention. I'm watching what I'm doing. And I'm always asking myself, are you doing this because you want him to like you, or are you doing this because this is naturally you? And I also want to make sure I'm staying in a lane of do you actually like him?

I want to go back to the thing that you were saying about pick me and choose me, which I think is really interesting has, well, two things. One, you were talking about the pick me and choose me. And what I think women have to know you should not be waiting to be chosen anymore, that you actually have to do the choosing because if you wait to be chosen, you're abdicating all of your power and that you get to be chosen for any Tom, Dick and Harry. Doesn't matter if there are two, five, or eight, as long as you're chosen, you're going to feel good. Right? And that's where we get into the desperation and the not so great relationships. Instead of you choosing and saying, no, I don't like this, this isn't serving me, I'm going to go and find something else. That's one. You are also talking about putting yourself on a shelf, which is really interesting. And one of the first things that I actually talk to my clients about is explaining to them like exactly what I do, which is I help my clients get in touch with all parts of themselves, right? Because like even the parts that you're ashamed of or you avoid or that are sensitive because if you're hiding those things away from yourself, then you're only representing 70% of yourself, right? And you can't actually share those beautiful parts of yourself. So any guy that is interacting with you will only know 70% of you. And there's no way that you can form a relationship by only representing parts of yourself, right? And so when we're single, I think that's something that we have to think about. Like how, how do we actually show up 100% of ourselves, right. And be okay with some people not actually enjoying that or not it being a match, right. That's why I tell people like, you know, 90% of the guys that you actually go on a physical date with will not be the one. Well, there will not be a connection. Like you have to know the love statistics of this game for you to be kind of clear eyed and open heart about it. Because if not, you'll just feel like, oh, nobody likes me. When actually not everybody is supposed to.

Like you.

Like everybody. So why do you think everybody don't like, that's so.

Right.

Yeah. Get out of the ego of it all. Like, well, how come he doesn't like me? Who cares? I just, you know. And listen, I'm in these dating streets. I'm 38, single, no kids, I still desire a husband. And you know, since my healing journey, there's been a handful of, of guys that didn't work out. And was it sad for the moment? Like, sure. And I let the feeling cycle happen and I cried, but I moved on. And I'm not gonna, I'm, I'm no longer going to allow that to be the representative of the rest of my life. Like, oh, this is how it's gonna go and so just be bitter and don't date. And that's why you stay to yourself. No, dating is fun. Men are sexy. Like I, you know what I mean? Like I, I like it. And once you, I think once you've arrived at a place of knowing exactly who you are. It is easier for the rejection to happen and just be like, it is what it is. I mean, that sucks. He was fine, though. But it is what it is. You know what I mean? Like, it just. It is what it is. It has nothing to necessarily do with you. And if he. I would rather somebody either be intimidated or not like, something about me and then just leave, because I'm not going to change it for you, boo. I'm not.

Yeah, that's so important. One thing that you were also talking about was continuing to be yourself throughout this process, right? As you were talking about performing and being someone else, you want to represent yourself as if you were talking to your best friend, right? You tell your best friend a lot of stuff. You are your full self.

Let's say your best friend is right beside you, and a guy comes up to you, and you're being someone yourself with your best friend and a guy, and you completely change who you are, and you get all like, oh, like, you know how that happens?

Yeah, yeah. And you're just the weird. This weird girl that is like, oh, my God.

I want to be conscious of that. Right? Because that's not you, actually. That's you performing for him. One of the exercises that I have for my clients is really get that best friend energy inside of you, because your relationship is going to be the foundation of it is going to be best friendship. So you have to kind of lead with that energy first and foremost. And if it's not a match, it's not a match. But at least you showed up in the best version of who you are, Right.

I want to give you a tool, because if you're listening to this and you're like, yeah, I do get this. Like, oh, my God. Hi. And I'm, like, performing this thing. And if you want to know how to stop that, because we want you to. This is how. This is how I presented it to myself. I said, okay, from now on, after I got out of that relationship, because I noticed that I was different, obviously. I said, if I can't be with my next mate or whatever, the way that I am with my best friend Tony, the way that I am with my best friend Darnell, who are males, I don't want it how I am with Tony and Darnell, that's exact. I want to duplicate that in a romantic partnership. And then the only difference is we have sex and kiss.

And. And that be the core of the relationship. And what I was doing before was presenting something different because I was trying again to get them to like me.

Yeah, I think that's so important for the women out there that have relationships, good, healthy ones with cousins, friends, whatever that is. For the women that do not, you'll have to use the benchmark of a girlfriend, right? You have to find that benchmark to understand who that person needs to be and how you need to represent yourself. I think that's such a great framework to be thinking about it. One of the things that I wanted to ask you was, you know, obviously we've been talking about single dom and singlehood. What sort of things can we be doing to kind of work on ourselves as we are single? Right. People talk about doing the work and things like that. What does that look like? What did that look like for you? And what do you represent or what do you recommend for your clients?

So obviously, the three questions that I ask myself, I think that everybody should ask themselves that, like, on a regular basis. On a regular basis. Instead of having, like, the New Year's resolution, it's on January 1st, I'm writing out who I want to be in 2022 with the same questions, right? So it is who I am. Who am I? How does God see me? If you're spiritual or religious, like, and how do I want to show up in this world from now on? So what you could also do is say, because a lot of women ask me, how do I discover my worth? And I say, well, what does that look like to you? A woman who knows that she is worthy? What does that look like to you? Write out that list. What kind of boundaries does she set? How does she show up in these relationships with men she's really attracted to? Who is the woman that you actually want to be? And then hold yourself accountable to your future self.

That's right.

One day you wake up and you are her. Right? So for me, for a specific example, I decided that until I am in a fruitful, flourishing and fulfilling relationship, it doesn't necessarily have to be on the dotted line. We signed the marriage certificate, but we are definitely headed that way. Sex is off the table. So while I'm dating, I am not having sex. And few weeks here, I will now be three years celibate because I held myself accountable to the woman that I wanted to be. So I've been abstinent for three years. Three years, because I knew that the sex that I was having, it was more so because I felt like that was the cost of dating. Like, this is if you want to date, this is the Admission ticket to dating. And this is how, again, like, being in that space of pick me, my value is in getting the ring. So I guess I have to have sex.

Performing.

Performing. So I guess I have to do this thing. And it was never fulfilling. These dudes out here in these street, they don't care how y' all feel. I want a man who is, like, to get super personal. I want a man who's like, really into, like, pleasing my body and how that works. And that takes. Yeah. And that takes time and takes deep, intimate conversations. We can be. And I think a lot of people think intimacy is only sex.

It's connection we actually want. It's not necessarily sex that is a part of it, but it's the connection we want. And I just know that the next man that I have sex with, like, he will eventually become my husband.

Yeah.

And so that's one of the things. It's again, holding myself accountable to the woman that I say I want to be. So I'm obedient. Obedient to future Rika. Not this man who's, you know, my. I got butterflies. Not society, not my older aunties. Like, I could care less because I know who I am now and I show up as her every day. Not perfectly, there is nothing perfect, but.

Every day, you know, in terms of doing the work, for me, I think it looks like being super honest about why you do the things that you do.

Yes, yes.

I think it's also about getting perspective on some of your blind spots. Because if you didn't have the blind spots, you would be in a relationship and it would feel safe and healthy to you. Right. Sometimes that's a coach, Sometimes that's not. Sometimes that's a therapist. Sometimes that's a really good friend just telling you who the fuck you are with. Guys are around and that's. Sometimes it can be really embarrassing. But you need some radical honesty around you and with a different sort of perspective. So I think it's actually going out and asking a variety of different people about you. Right. That's something that you can do. Because our self perceptions and other people's perceptions are always going to be radically different. I have an exercise in this in my program. You know, ask the people what makes you special. Right. What makes you unique, what makes you confident.

Right.

You'll get various. Various ideas and thoughts about yourself. And so I think it's important to understand how am I coming off to people. Right. More than anything else like that, I think that is a really important part.

Of the work as well, and can I add a tangible example to that too, about how am I coming off in my journey? I realized I am really not good at sharing my emotions and explaining things, especially back then. And so.

And so many other black girls out there, Black women.

Right. And so we don't think that we're allowed to be emotional or share. And we kind of hoard those emotions now. Especially for me, the only time I've seen my dad cry was when my grandma died. And so I never saw a range of emotions out of my dad. My dad was very happy. Go lucky. I had a great childhood. This is not to say that my childhood was abusive or traumatic or anything. It was great. But I never got a range of emotions. So I thought the only emotion is like, yay, happy. And my default is always that it's all, hey, let me make a joke, I'm the clown. And performing in that aspect, especially, you know, my background. That's why I fit so well in radio and using my voice and inflections. But I did not know how to let men in on who Rika actually was under. Because technically I should be super emotional because I am a cancer. And they said, come through. It's June 25th birthday emotional.

June 26th.

There we go. So I'm supposed to be super emotional. Outwardly I am on the inside, but you're not gonna see me cry. You're not gonna see. And so I've. I've. That is still part of my work is the next time I do get into a quote unquote serious relationship is letting him in on my emotions and how I'm feeling and not seeing that as weak. Not seeing that as, oh, I'm not a strong black woman. Not seeing that as dangerous. There's something that I have to give to if I want to be in a co Committed relationship.

And can I just say something about this strong black woman? Black women didn't call each other strong black women. That was a name that was given onto black women to highlight that they. To be strong. Right?

Yes.

The thing that I want to share with you is that you don't have to play in this emotional 5 to 7 range. That's probably what we had to do to survive the world society. But in relationships, he actually needs to see your level 2 sadness and your level 10 of complete utter happiness. Right. Or it's not going to work. It's not going to work. Right. So when we're thinking about how do we do this? I just wrote about this on Facebook. Even the simplest thing of how are you? Don't say, fine. Say, all right. Don't say okay, because you're living in the 5 to 7. You're living in the neutral. You need. You need to take a stance in your emotions. Is it good or is it not so good? And why? Right. You get to explain that this is the first step in vulnerability. So if any. If any of you want to try this out, realize that this can actually lead to a variety of different conversations, that you can actually have a deeper connection with whoever you're talking to. And these are the things that are necessary when you're going to be really connecting with a man. He has to see your 2, and he has to see your 10. And if you're not able to do that and have the confidence within yourself to actually present those things, there's no way for you to actually develop a deep relationship with a man. Really? With anyone.

Yeah, exactly. To me, again, that goes with being obedient to the woman. I say I want to be. I want to have a real intimate relationship with the man that has nothing to do with sexual. Yes. Will we have sex? Sure. So the way that I practice it is being honest with my friends, reading all of these books so I can get a vocabulary around who I am, so I know how to explain my feelings. I had to do that because I was like, I don't know. I'm feeling this weird thing. I don't know what this means. Like, look at this.

I give all of my clients this emotion wheel. Yes. Right. Because we have to be able to label these emotions. And we're not trained, as you said earlier, to even know how we're feeling.

Nope. Nope.

And if we don't know how we're feeling, how can we communicate?

How can you communicate it? And also, I'm gonna go one more step. The why we feel that way.

Yeah, that's right.

So I always say. I always tell my clients, you know, you got to know yourself deeper than your favorite color is blue. Whatever your favorite color is. Right. And that's what it is. It's okay. Feeling this. Here's why I'm feeling this, and explain it. And that's why therapy and coaching and stuff works, because the more you get it out.

The better person you're going to be. It's that healing inside, that. That warm feeling, that peace, that undeniable peace that comes when you do the work and you figure out who you are and your wise, those triggers.

Oh, my God.

I was triggered, and I know why. And now I can explain things like that. Jesus.

It just feels good. I just.

Yeah, I love it. So we could talk to. If you have anything else to just say to some of the single women out there. What would you say? Right. What do you want to share with them as we wrap up?

When you finally arrive at this place and you're saying, in your mind.

This isn't working, I'm not getting a good experience out of this dating world. I'm not getting a good experience out of being single.

That's when you're ready, when you're asking those questions and you're like, and how.