A Single Parents #1 Struggle...

Welcome back to the Single Dads podcast, man. As single dads, as single parents in general, we face a lot of. A lot of different struggles. And Scott's been doing some research, which is really, really cool because we're able to talk about things that are actually relevant. And so what he discovered was actually kind of not a shocking surprise, but still a surprise nevertheless, is one of the struggles that single parents face, the most of which we would think is more emotional and mental. But I think what you're about to talk about causes a lot of emotional, mental, also struggle. And so it all ties in together.

Yeah. And what he's talking about is finance, finances, money, how much you do or don't have. First I kind of wanted to just go over. There's. What I did was I. There's obviously a lot of single dads groups on Facebook and we're members of a handful each. And I decided to go through and see what people were talking about most outside of how bad they're pissed off at their baby mamas. And you see it everywhere. You hate to see it, but it's everywhere. But as single parents, there's obviously positive and negative things that, you know, are for our kids and for us. But obviously we're more in tune with what's advantageous for our kids as, you know, growing up in a single parent home. And so on the bright side, some of the advantages of being a single parent is getting undivided attention. Like children of a single parent usually get their parents undivided attention.

The.

So true. And it is, it's. You also have, when you have them, freedom to make decisions. It's not something you have to, hey.

What do you, you know, you eliminate that conflict of. She doesn't want to.

Potential conflict. Exactly. Which Great segue. Fewer arguments.

Yeah.

You become a good role model because you are, you know, with them independently. Independence and responsibility, sense of belonging and obviously a closer relationship because you're spending more one on one time and you know, just overall positive parenting.

Yeah, yeah, I bro, I love that. I love that you brought every single one of those points up because I think that's what a lot, A lot of us overlook those things sometimes because we're so focused on. I'm a single parent. I can't believe I went through this. I can't believe my kid has to grow up like. But the reality is, is for some of us, you know, me included, becoming a single parent made me a better father. It really just did.

I think it does for most. Yeah, it should. Yeah. I Think.

Yeah.

But not to be a Debbie Downer, but there are some negative effects as well. And first and foremost, and this is the reason I'm going over this is because this is what I found to be the most talked about, obviously, as I just mentioned, is financials or finances. Financial troubles. Most single parents work long hours to meet financial needs of the family. Right. So that in turn could create lower parenting quality. Yeah, right.

Yeah. Because of the stress and then the anxiety and then the. All of that just adding on and.

You know, know, and this is kind of where we're going. But you know, as a, as a dad, you have to work. In most cases, you have to work longer hours, especially when you're paying child support. And, you know, children after divorce obviously suffer in various ways. And we're not going to get into all that, but it's just a fact they have potential emotional problems. I know one thing my son struggles with is loneliness.

Yeah.

In fact, he told me one of the conversations we had this past week is that, you know, he was like, not that I don't like you or like being around you dad, but when I come back from hanging out with my cousins, it's. It's sad because I come back to, you know, nothing. And I'm lonely. Yeah. And just straight up told me he's lonely. Jeez. And, you know, so adjustment difficulties, you know, and you know, there's an endless list of those. But so I, I just kind of wrote down, like, spending quality one on one time with your kids allows you to develop a unique bond that may be stronger than it would have if, you know, if you're in a two parent home. So if you're not a single parent. As we move further into the new millennium, traditional ideas of family and values will be questioned. And what I'm talking about is the more modern ways that are evolving and in just the world, and there's no stopping it. Yeah. And I'm talking about, you know, having two dads, having two moms. You know, it's like when, when I was growing up, that didn't exist. Yeah. And, you know, for the LGBT community, you know, they made huge strides allowing, you know, gay marriage and the ability to adopt. And so it's.

Everything's changing.

Yeah. And so kids are growing up.

Yeah.

And that's the norm. So naturally that, you know, is evolving. So it's like, I don't know. Right now the only concrete evidence that children of single parents suffer significantly more disadvantages than children from two parent households do is literally a Matter of finance. And that is a proven fact. And society will continue to be less than ideal. And there will always be children who live in single parent homes. Perhaps answers to the children's needs will not be found by focusing on how negatively their family situation is, but rather on how they can better their situation in life.

That's really good.

And it's just true.

Yeah, that's key. That's so key, man, because it's taken the focus off of like, this sucks. Think about, think about how many people are out there and, you know, think about you and think about me. Like, I think about me when I, when it comes to this stuff. How much time I wasted with the, the stupid mindset of, why is this happening? Why, why, why me? Why me? And you just play that over and over like, bro, I had a trucking company where I was making anywhere from 185 to 200 GS a year. And it all fell apart after the divorce. Not because she took it away, but because I was so consumed with, with why did this happen to me, with the bad that literally everything that I had crumbled. And it's like, think about how much time we are wasting as single parents. If that's what we're fixing our focus on and it's doing no good for our kids. As opposed to what that just said. How about instead, let's focus. How can this be beneficial for me? How can I make something better out of this? How can I turn this thing around? You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, I do. And you know, my situation, obviously being different, being widowed after my son's mom and my wife passed. Then, you know, I literally, I was eight, nine months into starting. I had just started a new company. Yeah. And as I mentioned earlier, like, I had not taken my, my mental thoughts past after, you know, what's gonna, you know, what are things gonna be like? Because I just couldn't go there mentally. So, you know, I didn't have the option to sit around and let, you know and be consumed by. Woe is me. I'm a single dad now. Woe is me. I, I don't have anybody to help me. Woe is me. I just, you know, if I had done that, and don't take offense to that, because I understand it's, it's complete. It's a completely different setup. But, you know, I was very difficult. Yeah. So I, I understand, I understand the struggle. Um, and I honestly think if the situation were different and it was a divorce, not being widowed, then I probably would have been more in. In line to do or have it affect me the way it did you. Yeah. You know. Yeah. And I think I can admit that just being empathetic, because if I think. Think about how much that would have affected me, it would have, you know, I. I know it would have been different, but, you know, when. Sorry, I'm having some headphones issue. Headphone issues. But anyway, I get what you're saying, man. And I think a lot of people out there allow things like that to happen, and it. They find themselves very quick in a. A place that they don't want to be. A very low place in some places, in some cases, rock bottom. Yeah. And they start making decisions. You know, when you're in that mindset, you make decisions that are based on, you know, because you're depressed and, you know, whether you're drinking more or substance abuse comes into play, which obviously affects how you decide, make decisions, and it debilitates you from moving forward and making the progress that you need to make for your kid or kids.

And. And that's where, like, the financial hurt comes in.

Exactly.

Because you begin to operate out of a negative place, out of a depressing place, out of an anxious place, out of a fearful state. And when we're acting out of those places, normally what happens is we distract ourselves, whether that be substances or whether that be YouTube or memes. Like, I mean, think about how much time. And if you're listening to this, like, please see this as a challenge and don't see this as like, oh, well, you guys don't get me. Like, that's not. We're not here for that. But at some point we got to get honest, and at some point we got to get real. Like, think about how much time you're wasting on TikTok scrolling through. Like, bro, it's. We spend so much time. I remember when I went through it, the amount of hours I spent on YouTube just watching YouTube that I could have so easily have been mowing lawns to make extra money. Right. I could have so easily been focusing on my business so that it didn't fall apart. You see, I'm saying.

But more or Even better, watching YouTube videos that educate you on how you can make YouTube videos that people sit around and watch and switch places with people in your situation. And yes, easier said than done. I couldn't agree more. And that's why one thing I want to discuss today is some different ways that anybody out there can create some passive income or side hustles. And I know I don't want to get too much into it, but we've talked a lot about the app that we have built and is now built.

Yeah.

And we are literally just fine tuning it. Yeah. Beta testing a few things and. But it's done. And we had a long discussion yesterday and decided that, you know, we're, we're going to add some things to it that, you know, we're going to have a support group because we know that is needed, necessary, and that was the whole purpose initially, to provide a place for people to come and get support rather than these whack ass, depressing Facebook groups that, you know, there's some positive things in there, but it's just very rare. You have to really dig.

Yeah.

And we want, we want to create a space that is somewhere where men can come, single dads can come and talk about, hey, I did this, or I'm doing this as a side hustle and inspire other people that need inspiration. Because at the end of the day, when you're around people that are in the same mindset, which is in this case going to be people that are looking to add or provide support or get support. Yeah, actual support.

Not just like, hey, I need a vent and talk crap about someone.

Exactly. You guys can do that too. I mean, there's a, there's a chat room where you can do that if somebody wants to listen and go on. But we want to make it positive and, and get, and help people, and I'm going to play an active role in that. And today we're just going to kind of go over maybe a short list of some things that you guys can start maybe looking into those of you out there that are interested in not working for your shitty boss or working 60 hours a week at a job that you can't stand, but you're doing it because you have to for your kids, or maybe you're working two jobs. Our goal is to get you to do something that you enjoy doing, something that you can be proud of, set some goals and, you know, show yourself and your kids, hey, look what daddy's doing. Yeah. And even involve them in, in some form or fashion. And there's more ways than I think a lot of people know. And I think that's one of the reasons why a lot of people don't do it. They're unaware of things that they can do and, or they need some guidance and just to be shown. Like, you know, I know there's a lot of videos out there, explainer videos, but a lot of people don't necessarily learn watching video after video. They need to be shown and told specifically like, hey man, if I'm going to be involved in an affiliate program, what's the best way to go about that? What's, you know, what's the most effective way? Stuff like that. So that's one of the things that Frank and I would like to go over and also let you guys know that this is something we're going to add to the platform in the app and create kind of a resource room, if you will, and make it a place that people can come and discuss different side hustles. And um, if you want to take it a step further, I'm going to make myself available. I don't know that Frank has time right now, but I'm going to make myself available to anyone that wants to break down into small groups and even in some cases one on one to help, help you get to where you want to get and help you set goals and kind of, you know, from. I'm gonna, you know, help people start businesses without money. And if you don't think that's possible. It is, it is.

I started my business with no money, probably negative money actually.

And, and it's, it's very possible. And is what you do is, you know, figure out what, what you enjoy, what your skill sets are. For example, let's say you, you're good at sales, okay? So you don't have to. And you want to. Let's say you're good at sales and you want to start a business, but you don't know what kind of business you can start with just sales experience. Well, for those of you who don't know what white labeling businesses are, there are a significant amount. Just Google it. And if you want to sell websites, you can do that. If you're good at sales, if you're good at marketing, you can do that as well. And is what I would recommend in this case, to start a business without money is to simply say, okay, I want to sell websites, I know I can do it and I know what demographic I want to go after. And all of those things are very important too, by the way. And go get proof of concept. Go sell 8, 9, 10 websites. And once you get paid to build them, you have proof of concept, you have money, then you use that money to start the business, start the business. Now I don't know how to build websites. What am I supposed to do? Well, that's where other things come into play and then we, that we can discuss further. And I'm not going to get too deep into it, but you can simply outsource and pay somebody, you know, whomever, $150 to build the website. If you're paying a company to white label, you're paying them however much they charge a month. And then whatever you're selling them for, if you're selling them for $1500, you go sell them $1500 times 10, and bam, you have now started a business with no money. And you use the money that you did with proof of concept to then set up an LLC and start building or outsourcing the building of websites. So I left out a lot of steps, but just wanted to give one good example of just how simple it is, man. It's not difficult. And some people might be thinking, well, what's white label? What's this Google? Google it, learn about it.

And even simpler than that, just do something that'll make just a little bit of extra cash flow and honestly, do something that you could do with your kid. Like, I've had, I've had this idea before that I've actually done with my little girl where, you know, around the holiday seasons, when all the leaves are all in the yards, you just go, you knock on their door right before Christmas, right before Thanksgiving, they, hey, me and my little girl would like to rake your leaves for $20. You do 10 houses, you just spent all day with your kid teaching them how to grind, teaching them how to make money and making it fun with them. And you just made $200 in one day. Like you could do. Imagine if you did something like that every Saturday.

You've done that?

Oh, yeah. Yes, I've definitely done that. Because that sometimes we get this, this what happens sometimes, Scott, and I'm sure so many people, even you can agree, like, we think about, oh, I gotta start a business. And now it becomes a massive project. But if you're like, I just gotta make 20 bucks, you can find a way to make 20 bucks. Now just find a way to make 20 bucks 10 times in one day. And then you start scaling that, right? And you're doing it because you want to eliminate that financial frustration that causes stress, that causes anxiety, that makes you not be able to on being the parent that you want to be because you have all these demands on you. And here's the thing, men. I'm going to talk to the men specifically right now. I know it doesn't feel fair. I know it doesn't feel right that nobody reaches out to us, nobody helps us, nobody is there for us. But focusing on that is not going to change anything. It's not going to change the fact that that's what's happening and that's what you're experiencing. That's reality. But the only thing that can change is you do something.

Reach out to other people.

Yeah, reach out to someone, what do.

You have to lose?

But then at the same time it's like, do you just want to reach out to vent? Like that's gonna feel good in that moment. But creating a life that you're proud of, Creating a life where you can take your kid on a vacation and you don't have to worry about anything, right? Like, or you could just take them. Not even a vacation. Let's skip that. You can take them to a movie, you can take them to a play place. Every time that you, you have them. Creating that type of desir, like it makes you forget about the bs. You don't even have time for the BS anymore because you've built a life that you're so obsessed with for you and your kid and your future spouse, hopefully, right? But if you're just focused on what I had, what I had, what I had and what I don't have, right. You're missing out on the present and you're prolonging your future and your kids future. And so I get that it's hard. Trust me, I understand that. And right now you might be in a place where you feel overlooked, you feel overseen, you feel unheard of and.

You can't catch a break. Bad things continuously happen to you. But you have to change that cycle. And we had an episode about breaking the cycle. You have to do something to break the cycle. You have to be proactive and not reactive to all the negative things. Be proactive about positive things. Find somebody. Because there are people out there that are willing to donate their time and as mentors or find if you want, if your goal, if your dream is to be a business owner and you don't have any money, but you know what kind of business you'd like to own or you know, what skill sets you have and you know they would be valuable to the right company, well, start looking at those companies that you would, you know, be a good fit for. And I promise you, if you are proactive enough and you don't give up after two days, you can find somebody that's looking for someone like yourself and in your skill sets and say, yes, I will give you 30% equity in this company if you, you do this. So it's like, yeah, you're getting a job, but you're getting equity ownership of a business. It's called sweat equity. And, you know, I can tell you multiple stories of people that have done that. I've done that, and I've done it for people. And even fairly recent. I mean, so there are people out there, and yeah, I'm one of them. I don't want my phone blowing up. But, you know, I. I love to help people when I can, but there are plenty of people. But you have to get off your ass, and you have to quit sulking, and you have to say, quit saying, you know, everything's against me because you have kids that are relying on you. And if they see their dad sulking, if they see their dad drinking beer all the time and they see their dad unhappy at their job, that has a massive effect on your children. And if that's the way you're raising them, then you need to look in the mirror and say, I want to change and start making them.

Jordan Peterson said something, bro, that was so powerful. That goes along exactly with what you're saying. He was like, you want to really get to know yourself. He's like, before you go to sleep one night, ask yourself, what do I hate that I do that I know I can change, but I don't change. He was like, and the reality of that will hit you so hard, because think about how many things we do every single day that we don't like, that we do it, but we do not change it. And the only thing that's stopping us is choice, is we're just not choosing to do it. And everyone says it. Well, that's a lot easier said than done. Well, yeah, but you just have to start. You got to start somewhere. You got to start with some small piece. Like, if you're having financial issues and trust me, like, we all have them, but start eliminating things.