Creating an "Emotionally Safe" Environment for our kids.

So today we want to chat a little bit. We get. We gave you guys and ladies, if you're a lady listening, we gave y' all a glimpse of what we were going to be talking about today, and that is going to be creating an emotionally safe environment for our kids. And now, I know that kind of sounds like, what the heck does that even mean? But it means essentially what Scott said last episode. Right. Like, how his son came up to him and told him, man, like, you know, I think you said somebody offered me weed or I was thinking about smoking weed or something like that. And what we're going to talk about today, like, that situation is a result of that. Like when your kid comes up to you and opens up to you about something that's, you know, that we want them to talk about us, like about with us. That is the result of creating an emotionally safe environment. You know what I'm saying, Scott?

Yeah. So what environment? I guess, how do you breed such an environment? Right. It's oftentimes a lot of things. And this isn't just my opinion. It's a fact. It's things that we do say that aren't necessarily directly to our children.

Yeah.

But it's just the way we are. And that's. That's what they see and that's what breeds.

Yeah, that's key. It's. It's how you handle yourself. Right. And so we're just gonna jump straight into it because we don't, like, kind of. We want to give you guys the content. Right. Right up front. But what. What emotionally safe environment essentially means is that it's safe for your kids to open up to you about stuff that they normally would not open up to you about is really all that is. And we were talking about earlier how Scott was back when he owned one of his businesses that was. I think it was a car dealership, you were saying. And he wanted that desperately from his employees. Right. You wanted them to like, I want you guys to talk to me about whatever is going on.

Yeah. Well, you know, everybody says and wants the open door policy, you know. Yeah. And, you know, just like on that show the Office, which I'm sure everyone's seen, hello.

Best show in the world, man.

But, you know, nobody's gonna go into Michael Scott's office and say, hey, buddy. That's why he spends his entire day messing around doing. Doing f all.

Or you might go up to him and know that, like, oh, he's not gonna get me in trouble, but he's probably gonna make fun of Me.

And not trying to, you know, get off topic, but. Yeah, I mean, the situations are, you know, you. What. What you want, but I didn't get that. And in hindsight, you know, I learned why. In hindsight, I, I was a stress ball. And, you know, people feared coming to me. People feared how I would react because.

Why did they fear?

Because my, the, the daily. Because all there was. There was a time for this particular business anyway where there was a period of time where all I was doing was putting out fires. And I, I was trying to get. To get to everyone and get. Get to everyone's heads to understand. I don't want my job to just be putting out fires. Yeah, let's get to the. Let's get. Let's. Let's get to them before they escalate. Yeah. To where it's taking all my time. And that's why, if there's an issue, if you make a mistake, just come talk to me.

Yeah. You know, and so why wouldn't they talk to you when there was issues?

Because the way I reacted when they didn't and things escalated. So, you know, again, it's because of.

How you showed up. Right.

Like, it's exactly right. It's how I showed up. And, you know, when you're in the moment, you just. I guess it's awareness, right? Yes, it's awareness.

Yeah.

If I had somebody come. Come and say, hey, Scott, you're acting like a dick every day, nobody's gonna come talk to you, you know, then that would open my eyes to the fact that this is why I'm putting.

Out so many fires.

You know, I was the cause of it. And, you know, of course I wasn't blaming myself at the time.

Yeah. You were just wrapped up in what was actually happening. Yeah. And so that. That's a great example, right, bro? Of like, wanting to create an emotionally safe environment so that there can be an open door policy, which I think as parents, we. We all want the open door policy with our kids.

Absolutely.

We want them to have that for us.

And you know what? I, I believe that a lot of people take how they were raised and the things that they didn't get or didn't like about, you know, or maybe their dad or mom wasn't there for them, or, you know, they take the negativity of how they were raised and they try to kind of turn that around.

Yeah.

For their children.

Yeah. You know what's wild, bro? I wasn't even going to hit on this, but then you said that, so now I'm going to hit on it. By the way, bro, do you have veneers? Your teeth are literally. I'm just noticing that your teeth are the most perfect teeth I've ever seen.

Enough. Fortunately, they are my teeth.

Dang, bro. And they're nice and white. What the heck? I just bought a toothbrush. It's the charcoal toothbrush. So it's got like, it's all black. I like black. And so it was all black. And even the Brussels on it is black and there's like charcoal in it. And supposedly after two weeks of using it, it like helps.

The black toothpaste.

No, it's the toothbrush. So it's an all black toothbrush. Even like the little hairs that brush.

Talk about getting off topic.

Yeah, I know. Anyways, so you just said, right. Like normally we grow up and we're saying, I don't want to do the same thing my parents did. Which is. This is so interesting because think about how many people become their parents even though they wanted to not become their parents. Right, right. So I want to hit on this because I think this is gonna help a ton of us. I know it's helped me when I became aware of it. And I like what you said earlier, that's just awareness.

Awareness, Right, Awareness.

When, when you become aware of something, this is what happens. You bring it into the light. And when you bring it into the light, you weaken it. And now you can change it. Right, Right. So that's all we're doing. So what normally happens, bro, is we're so focused on not being them that what you focus, you create. And that's why we become our parents. So instead of focusing on, I don't want to be that, I don't want to do that. I don't. It's a, it's a fear based mindset. And, and what you fear, you, you create and you attract inevitably, if you're so focused on it. So instead focus on who do I want to be, how do I want to parent? You know what I mean? What kind of parent do I want to. And the more you focus on that, it's going to lead to it. Right? It was like the book I was talking to you about earlier, do the work by Dr. Nicole Lapera, the holistic psychologist. It's like literally what you believe and what you focus on, your body will inevitably follow to. And we're going to do a whole episode on that hopefully eventually, because I geek out on that stuff.

So not focusing on the negative things.

Yes.

Like, you know, my dad did not communicate with me at all growing up.

I don't want to be like him.

Yeah.

Don't focus that way. Focus on how you want to communicate.

How am I going to better communicate? Or have a system of. Or. You know.

Yeah.

Even if it's like, all right, every day when he gets home from school, you know, as. As your kids are different ages, you do. You're going to do different things to communicate. Because obviously, what you communicate and how you communicate is based on their age.

And from the episode that we just covered.

Right.

Yes. We have to shift everything. Gosh, I. I was not ready for parenthood, bro. For fatherhood. But we're rolling with the punches, bro. Think about this way. It's like a fighter. If a fighter has the mindset of, I don't want to lose this fight. I got. I don't want to lose this fight. I got to do whatever I can to not lose this fight. Instead of, how am I going to win this fight?

The.

You're playing defense instead of offense.

Exactly. I was just about to say that.

Yeah.

You have to be proactive, not reactive. You have to.

Yeah. And so this works with everything that we do. Like, even in relationships. Like last night. I messed up, bro. I messed up that.

What'd you do?

She's gonna. She's. She's probably gonna listen to this episode and be like, huh? See? But what happened was I went to get some stuff done, and then I hung out with a buddy and got a cigar, and time just flew by. Now, my mistake was that my original plan was just to get things done. And then I added on to it. Me and my boy are gonna hang out. And it was just so easy to me, you know what I'm saying, To just do that. But me and her had planned. I said, I will be back at this. This time so that we can hang. Exactly. And she even said. She was like, it wouldn't have been a big deal if you just texted me and told me. But I was just. It was just easy for me to be like, oh, this came up spontaneously. Boom.

I have to jump on her side on that because.

Absolutely.

Five freaking seconds to send.

I know, Scott, get off my back.

No, because I get. So communication is.

No, it's key. It's key. So I, like, came back and Humbly was just like, dude, babe, that's a thousand percent on me. You have every right. I even told her. I was like, if you want to hit me, hit me. Obviously, she didn't, because she's a good human I mean, but it was. It was just being able to recognize, like, dude, I really messed up in this area. And this. This was me being actually intentional about creating an emotionally safe environment because I was like, dude, I want her to be able to say whatever she needs to say, and I'm going to recognize that. That she's not pissed and being a douche to me because she wants to be a douche. Right? Like, she's not saying mean things to say mean things. She's operating out of a place of hurt and fear and feeling like she wasn't prioritized.

Right.

And when I focused on that, on the way to see her, I was able to feel more empathy, not be on guard, and. Which led to, like, eventually emotionally, like, you know, connecting. But I could have focused just like we focus with our parents. Like, I. I don't want to be like him. I don't want to be like him. I could have focused on, like, dude, I don't want to do this. I don't want to do that. Right. I don't want to pop off. I don't want. Instead, I focused on, how do I want to show up? How do I want to show up when I get there? You know? And then I was like, how do I want to turn it around now? Like, I can make the shift fast, right? As soon as I let her get all of it out and stuff, like, I can start being playful again and acknowledge the fact that I'm remorseful. But I'm not gonna focus on that. I'm gonna focus on, okay, how do I want to be now?

So I have a question. Yeah. While you're doing whatever. At whatever point, it turned to hanging out with your buddy because it was so easy for that to happen.

Yeah.

Did you at any point have the thought, oh, I'm supposed to be with Haley doing so?

No. And this is why. Because we started hanging out before I was going to meet Haley. And so in with my intention, I was like, oh, I'm going to end with enough time to get back on time. And then this fool starts talking to me about business. And I lost track of time, bro. My mind started going, like. I literally. I remember checking my phone. I was like, cool, I got about 15 minutes. We can have this conversation. Next thing you know, I look at my phone. It's 11 o'.

Clock. Jeez.

And I was like, dude, no. I was. I was going to meet her at 11 o'.

Clock.

And so then I wrap it up at 1106. I call. I think it was 1106 or like 1116. Either way, I shouldn't have done that. I call her. I'm like, dang, babe, I messed up. I'm on my way right now. And it was just a bad situation. I messed up. You just got to own it sometimes. But the fact of the matter is we have to focus on who do I want to be, not what do I want to avoid. If I'm focusing on I don't want to do this. You will inevitably do it. Like, that's why it's so important to heal from, like, regret, which we're going to talk about in an upcoming episode. Because if you're just so focused on what you regret doing, you will literally create scenarios to feel regret again.

Right.

Because you're so focused on it. It's like we don't even try to. So creating an emotionally safe environment, back to that subject. Is like showing up in a way where they can say what needs to be said. And you're not perturbed and you're not. You're not pissed when they say something that you didn't like, even though it's because you understand that this is coming from a place of pain right now. You see what I'm saying?

Yeah. And valid, man. But there's. There's something that one of our listeners messaged through Instagram, I believe it was, and I think I shared it with you. And because it kind of caught me off guard, he said having a kid, or kids, I don't remember if it was plural, ruined his life.

Oh, I. You sent me this. Yeah.

And I was like, I responded to him because I was curious. Like, you know how it's just kind of a weird.

Yeah.

Kid ruin your life. So I have to wonder, you know, there's. There's variables that I don't know that we're not aware of. So I'm not. I'm gonna leave the guy alone and not call him a complete D bag because I don't know what his situation is or why he would say. And I'm curious to find out. Love to have him on the show, to be honest.

I just don't know how a small human ruins your life. I. I take accountability.

Brother.

I'm gonna be straight up with you if you're listening to this. Take accountability for where you're at.

And you're trying to be as open minded as possible. Why would somebody say that?

Like how the kid didn't choose to be here.

No.

You know, pull out, bro. I'm so. I'm sorry.

You know, pull and pray is not the way to go either, but.

Well, obviously. But I'm. I'm just saying, I mean, it just.

Really kind of struck me in a not so good way and. But my point is, is like there's variables that from, you know, outside that come in like that, that, you know.

Yeah.

Are creating a very, very.

Yeah.

Unhealthy environment. Environment.

Yeah, dude. And I mean, I do want to be sensitive to that. I. It does like, frustrate me a little bit. Because your actions is what brought the little human into the world. Your choices is what brought the little human into the world. He didn't choose or they didn't choose to be here. It was your action actions that brought them in. And so they didn't ruin your life. I'm sorry, they just didn't. Your actions have changed the course and the trajectory of your life. And now we. You have two different ways to look at it. Right. And hopefully that person isn't in the same place, but at the same time, look at what's going to happen, brother. If, if that is his mindset, he is so trigger happy with the kids that the kids will never be able to talk to him about anything. Because if they've dropped something. What are you doing? Come on. You see what I'm saying? Because he's got this emotion pimped up. And even if it's not to them, we do this sometimes because we're stressed out with work and that and we don't process what we're actually going through so that we can show up strong for like the family. Right. And we get it. Life is tough sometimes and it's hard to schedule these things in. But what you care about, you make time for and you prioritize. And so it's like that, dude, if it keeps going on in that direction, will probably provide a not emotionally safe environment for his kids, which then is going to lead his kids to potentially say, I don't want to be like my dad. And then they'll become like that or. But hopefully they'll listen to somebody. Somebody will come into their life and that says, hey, don't focus on not being like, focus on who you want to become and how you can create that. Right. Because I mean, that's what we all want, honestly, is creating an emotionally safe environment so that there can be actual dialogue, real dialogue, not like surface level stuff. Like, I want to know what's going on with my kid's life. I'm just saying.

And not monologue either. Yeah. You know, it can't be a one way thing. Exactly. I think in many cases it is. You know, it's just a, the parent talking. Hey, you know, it's very surface talk and you don't really dig in and know, you know, how, you know, what, what's bothering my son or my daughter, my kids or whatever. What, you know, you can't know that. Yeah. By just saying, hey, how was your day? All right, cool. Because I'm guilty of it sometimes, you.

Know, we all are.

He comes home. Yeah. Hey, how was your day? We'll talk for five minutes. Sometimes we'll chop it up for 30, 45 minutes. But I wish I could say that we chopped it up for 30, 45 minutes every day without failing. Because I make, you know, make time for it and I don't. Yeah, I should.

Yeah, I mean we all should. But at the same time, like that's where, that's where I'm excited to look at the regret episode. And for us to do that because we can't live without regret or else we're just going to keep showing up the same way. And the only thing that, that tells me about you, bro, and about me is that we have pure hearts and we want to do that for our kids. And pure intentions. Now it's just about getting ourselves to a place where we can execute on them.

But I was about to say execution is all that matters at the end of the day. And you can have a pure heart. Woohoo.

But, but think about this, right? If you're, if our focus is, dude, I keep messing up, it makes you feel like crap.

Yeah.

And when you feel like crap, you don't take action. So you keep creating the same result over and over and over again. It's like a vicious cycle.

Yeah, I was about to say that.

But no, what, what I wanted to say is like even, even when our kids come up to us and they say like, I don't want to go to school anymore, and then we shut that down. Like, I don't care what you want to do, you have to. That is true. We have validity in that statement. You have to go to school.

My immediate thought is why.

Exactly. Which is why you've had the conversations with Riley that you've had. It's like, well, why don't you want to go to school? And then don't devalue, don't devalue like their feelings in that moment. Because even though to us it's like, dude, you're being a little whatever. It's like that's real to them. To them. And as soon as we, we shut it down, they no longer feel like, I can talk to dad about this. If I take this to him, he's just going to shut me out. I mean, and I think if we've done this, because I'll be honest, I've done that before. Whenever you're frustrated, when you're in a rush, when you're anxious, that you just kind of, you don't have time for it in that moment, you feel like you don't have time and then you go to sleep and you have that parent guilt. And so I think a good way to reopen that is to have a conversation, a very vulnerable one, and invite the connection again and saying, hey, look, son, like, I've got to be honest with you real quick. And I know this, this is going to be different because we don't talk like this, but I want to open up this line of communication. Like, I'm sorry, there was this one moment where you started opening up to me and I feel like I was a little hard. And if it made you feel like you can't talk to me, I am so sorry. That was not my intention. I just had a lot going on and there was no reason to do, like, bro, if we did that to our kids, imagine if our dads had done that to us.

Wow. I can't even, I can't because I, I, I know I'd be different, but I don't know in how many ways. But yeah, I don't like going back and saying what if. But it would be contrary thought. Oh, I know a lot. Like, a lot. I think a lot of parents will would just say, son, do you think I want to go to fucking work every day? You know, it's like, I have to get up, I've got to do this, I've got to do. And, and, and dismiss the entire, like, why is, why is my son not wanting to go to school? Because it's crucial that, you know, you are able to sit down and, and, and say, hey, man, I had, I didn't, I so did not want to go to work all last week. And here's why. My boss was being a d hole or what. Yeah, whatever.

My boss was running around putting out fires, being a jerk.

But, but I guess my point is, is maybe starting with the story yourself as to why you didn't or don't want to do something particular and hopefully that will spark.

Yes.

Some reciprocation.

Dude, that's, that's what I want to do. I want to be a dad that creates. Like, if I want that with my little girl, like, what can I do to create it? You know, like, if.

If you do something, you know, the goal is reciprocation in a lot of way. You know, like, if I open up about something or even go back to, like, man, there. There. There was a time in. In ninth grade when, man, I. For like a month, I came home from school, I cried. I. I just. I. I hated. Like, I did just didn't want to go to school or, you know, that wasn't the case with me. But if it were, like, I'm just saying go deep with something that they can relate to. Yeah. And then I think you have a much better chance of getting reciprocation. Yeah. Oh. At least in a situation or scenario like that.

Yeah. No, I mean, exactly, bro. And that's why I think apologizing is a great step, because that's a deep connection right there, and that. That shows a different side that they haven't seen before. And this is something that I work, like, with my clients that are trying to save their marriages. I. I'm like, dude, you've trained them because of your reactions for so long that you think that one conversation is going to change it. It's not. It's not. Because now it's like, you've stacked so much evidence against what you're saying now that now you have to stack the evidence to what you're saying. Right. So whenever you approach, if. If you've been doing this with your kid for a long time, like, shutting it down, shutting down. And now you're like, dude, you know what? I want to try this. I want my kid to trust me. So I'm going to go and apologize and talk and whatever. Don't expect to change immediately. But it's about momentum. Momentum isn't a hard pivot.

Right.

Right. The action is a hard pivot, and that's what we want. But momentum, it's like a ship. But if you keep at it, eventually it's going to catch up and you're going to get to where you're focused on going. And so show up. And when you experience a little bit of rejection, because it's probably going to happen. Right. If you've been doing the opposite for so long, it's like, just show up again. Just know this isn't personal. This is actually them just not knowing if they still can trust me or not. So I'm going to show them that they can by showing up Again.

And, you know, to add to that, like, if you do something or if you. If you demonstrate, like, disappointment consistently. Right.

Dude.

Then at some point your. Your kid or kids are going to. Disappointment for. For my son is like the worst punishment I could give him.

Yeah.

Because it. I don't. I don't display disappointment often.

Wow.

But when I do, I can really see it, like, hit him hard, like, mentally. So I. I take notice of that. I'm aware of that. And. But I think when, you know, parents are. Consistently demonstrate disappointment.

Yeah.

Then at some point they're gonna be like, it, man. You know, just. Well, he already thinks this or she. He or she already thinks this of me. So. Yeah, you know, I. And I don't usually curse on here, but. But, you know, it's. I guess just if you want something positive to happen, you know, by saying I'm sorry and showing vulnerability back to what you were talking about, that's a big step. Like, if my dad ever came to me and said, I'm sorry, my God, it would have meant the world.

Yeah, dude.

Yeah. And to tell me that he's proud of me about something, it would have.

You know, it changed everything, dude.

I mean, even as an adult, like, I would have loved, you know, if he told me, I'm proud of you, then I could have died the next day. And I've been and been happy.

Yeah. It would have done to you what I showed you earlier, before we started. The water molecules.

Right.

It would have done that to.

Your body knows what the hell you're talking.

I know eventually we'll. We'll talk about it. Yeah. No, bro, that's so true. And I'll be honest, bro. Like, I've taken the lead in my family as far as, like, with my dad because I'm like, I want this with my dad. And he's. He's really not doing anything to do that because I get it, dude. He doesn't listen to Tony Robbins all day. Like, I do. He didn't know Tony Robbins. Like, this dude grew up in Mexico, like, working his tell off since he was like 14 years old and all that stuff, you know? And so I was like, if this is what I want with my dad, I'm gonna create it. And so I've approached my dad and I've told him. I was like, dad, man, I've blamed you for, like, doing this and doing this and not doing this. I was like, but I haven't told you that. It's also your fault that I'm such a good Worker. It's also your fault that, yeah, I have a citizenship in the best country in the United States because you took a massive risk. It's also your fault that I think the way that I think right now. It's also your fault that I have my little girl because if we wouldn't have came here, I wouldn't have met Ariana and had my little girl. You see what I'm saying? I'm like all of that stuff. And so I told him at the end of the day I was like, I'm really proud to be your son because I, I would love for him to say I'm proud to be your dad, you know, but if I'm not getting that, guess what I'm going to give him. I'm proud to be your son because if my daughter said that to me also, like, I just think of it like, what do I, what would I like to receive? And then I become, I want, I, I try and become that.

You know?

You see What I'm saying?

Yeah. 100 I, I, I wish so much I would give anything to be able to go back and tell my mom and dad what I'm grateful for. And I can't. But yeah, you know, it is what it is and just so, yeah, you can take advantage of it, man, and.

You can put on your journal, you know what I mean? Yeah, you can. Within yourself and. Because at the end of the day it's gonna free you. You know what I'm saying? Like, that's why I did it, because I wanted to get freed. And so I was like, my dad's not doing it. I want, and, and our relationship still isn't there on the level that I want it. But what I can say is I feel an emotional connection to him because I, that's what I wanted. You know what I'm saying? So, but anyways, guys, going to wrap this up. So building an emotional, emotionally safe space, it's hard, but it's really, it's really not, it's simple also, it's just caring more about what are they going through than anything else and being interested in it. Honest. I think that that pretty much sums it. No, no, Scott.

Yes. And being aware. Yeah, being aware of all of that, obviously, which is probably needless to say. But thanks for tuning in, guys. Can't wait for the next episode.

Let's go.