Daddy issues - Absolutes that ALWAYS work - is communication key?

Hey, you're listening to the Single Dads podcast, a podcast for single dads by single dads. In this podcast, you're going to be encouraged and hopefully given some practical tools to be able to become the parent that you've always wanted to be and that you know you can be. Hopefully, this podcast encourages you. Make sure that you download the Single Dads podcast app to join our community. Hope you enjoy the show. Hey, everyone. Welcome back to the show, man. Today we're going to be talking. I know you guys read the title. You guys are probably like, what the heck is this? On the Single Dad's podcast, But I.

Want to talk about a stripper or a female. No, I'm just kidding. Totally kidding.

That's.

That's stereotype.

Yeah, it's very stereotyped. Right?

That's. That's kind of what we all think when we. When we hear daddy issues is like, yeah, more so females than men. But believe it or not, yeah, it's. It's. It's just a stereotype sleep slash expression. And we kind of want to throw it out there because at the end of the day, adults, men and women have daddy issues.

Exactly, exactly. All it is, man, is a lack of love from a father or the feeling of a lack of love from.

A father, or it could be anywhere. Anything from, like, lack, lack of attention, lack of. Of. Of being in your life or maybe being an alcoholic, drug addict, or abusive.

Yeah, in.

In some form or fashion.

Exactly, exactly. It. It's just really a pain. But the reason why I really wanted to talk about. I texted Scott last night, and all I said, I didn't even say, hey, bro, what do you want to talk about tomorrow? Nothing like that. All I said was daddy issues. And I forgot what you said, but this is why I wanted to talk about. And I think it's so important for us to. To really talk, lean into this is because you hear all these people, you know, boomers, posting about, like, this current generation, about how millennials this and Gen Z this and all that stuff, right? But they are a product of parenting. Every. Every single human is a product of their parents. That's just how. That's just how it goes, right? Some people lean towards the negative, where they're just like, because my parents did this, then this is my future, so I'm going to keep doing this. And then some people lean towards the positive where they start to actually rise up to the challenge and say, hey, you know, just because my parents did this, I'm not gonna go that same Route, right. They use it as a learning experience. But if we're gonna sit here and pardon my language, but bitch and moan about the current generation, then we gotta look. We gotta look at the root, which, believe it or not, I believe really is the home is parenting. And believe it or not, I think that is more highly influenced by fathers and lack thereof. And lack thereof. Like fatherhood. Okay. In certain areas. Now here's the thing though, man. Like, bro, none of us are ever going to be perfect fathers. And our dads, there was no way in hell they're going to be perfect fathers because they had way less resources than we even have, like, nowadays, right? Like, think about it. Think about it, gentlemen. You guys have obviously this podcast and you've got millions of other resources, and for some reason we still remain stuck. So how could we have expected our fathers to, like, really, really crank it out of the park if we're sitting here even as single dads, saying, woe is me, and not taking the resources and creating an incredible life not just for ourselves, but for our kids. Not just becoming emotionally intelligent and emotionally mature and emotionally conditioned. Right. And fit for ourselves, but for our kids, like, with all the resources we have. So I want to talk about daddy issues, because I got them. If you're listening to this, more than likely, if you had a father or not a father in your life, you got them.

I got them.

We all got them, bro. And I think it's just so key to talk about because again, we don't want to replicate the same thing in our kids. At least I don't, like me personally, I don't want to replicate the exact same thing that I had to walk through in my little girl.

Currently. Like, if you, if you sit there and think about it, like, do you see from time to time characteristics that you display towards. Towards the goose that, that maybe come from your dad or that. Or that your dad had on you as, as a parent when you were a kid or around her age, bro.

Currently, no. I have to do some more thinking about that. Currently, no. But let me tell you why I think that is because she's a girl.

Yeah.

And I think dads show up a little bit differently for sons, for sure. And. And also I think it's because since her birth, our dynamic has been so different. I never had my daughter full time from birth. I had her full time for about four years. That was once I was like, together with her mom again and married.

Right.

And even then I was still more. Because my dad's just very. My Dad's a very angry man. And luckily, which is kind of what.

I was getting, is like, you can still. I mean, I totally get the different dynamic, believe me, but there are characteristics I have noticed. Anger.

There was. There was one. There was one point. There was one point I was trying to teach her how to ride a bike. Trying to teach her how to ride a bike. And something that I noticed in her that I've mentioned on this show before, right, Is that she's. She's a big time, like, doubter and worrier, and she's scared to, like, take a chance and try things, right? So that's why I put her in jiu jitsu, to, like, help that area, right? And. But this moment when we were trying to ride a bike, like, she was doing so good. Learning, right? She was doing so good, but she would just let that fear, like, cripple her, and she just wouldn't want to try again and wouldn't want to try again and wouldn't want to try again. And I just remember, literally, like, I popped off on her. I popped off on her. And I mean, it was. It was not my proudest moment, bro, because I was just like. To see her sitting there, just making an excuse and not trying, when I can see the greatness that's in her, even as stupid as it sounds over riding a bike, it was just, like, infuriating me. Not because I was mad at her, but because I was scared. I was scared that she was gonna like, that she's going to grow up and continue to live life being terrified of taking a chance. Because what kind of life is that? You just. You stay in a pit. And I don't want that for her. She's better than that. I know she's better than that. And so I knew that that's what was happening after the moment, but in the moment, I remember being like, dang, dude. Like, the only difference was that I didn't hit her like my dad. I mean, that dude used to, like, kick me, bro. And so, yeah, I. I remember seeing that. I've seen that in a couple different areas. And it all kind of stems around the same thing. Like, her not trying and her not wanting to try. And I think where. That's where I really had to do some soul searching and figure out, all right, man, I had to heal my daddy issues. I had to start working on healing my daddy issues. And so I think that's why this is so important, because if we don't heal it, then we become it. It's just Kind of what ends up happening and healing isn't this, like, huge, massive monster that we have to take on that's, like, miserable? I think it's actually pretty enjoyable, honestly. And it just looks like stepping into who you want to, like, be and how you want to show up and learning to, like, forgive and release, like, resentment and anger towards my dad, which is. Which is what I've been doing probably now for the last, like, two years, pretty consistently, and having conversations with him that we've never had before that are probably really awkward for him. Like, I remember, like, maybe three months ago, I said, hey, dad, let's get in the truck. Let's go for a ride. I need to talk to you. And bro, the look on his face, you would think. I called him into the principal's office, he was just like, what the hell is this, bro? Like, we don't do this, you know, but we didn't do it. Now we do this. Frank does. Guess why? Because my kids are going to say, dad, I need to talk to you. And that's going to be normal. I'm creating a new normal. And by doing that, I started breaking off these, like, daddy issues, you know what I'm saying? Where it's like, I have to perform for my dad. He's not emotionally there. The feelings of. He doesn't really care about me unless I do something and, like, show him that I'm doing something important. Right? Like that need for, like, significance and to prove yourself that we all carry. Like that. Starting to break that off.

That. That was a big one for me. Like, in. In fairly recent, you know, I. I had a conversation with my dad and kind of told him that I. I don't carry resentment for him not being. Not being around, you know, not going to one of my soccer games, not going. You know, I was real big soccer and club soccer and traveled everywhere, and he. He didn't even go to the bazillions of games that were down the street, you know. Yeah, but. But back then, you know, it's like, you know, I grew up lower middle class and, and he. He. He worked. He was a company man. He worked for the Same company for 30 years, which doesn't happen in this day and age. And, you know, so he. He worked six days a week and that, you know, that. And in his mind, that was the right thing to do.

He was being a badass dad in his head.

He had. He had. He had my mom, you know, at least for. And I had her for 20, 22 years. And. But. But but he had her for all the, you know, PTA crap and all this, you know, all the things that I, I, I wished. I, it does make a difference, man. It really, really does. But I'm not trying to get off topic, but, but, you know, back to what I was saying, like, I, I let my dad know, like, I don't have any resentment for, for, for you not being there, because, you know, that's what he told me. He's like, I thought I was doing the right thing. Yeah. He goes, you know, in hindsight.

I.

I can't even say that I would have done it differently. Yeah. Because that's just what I knew. He goes, I didn't know how to do any of that shit.

It's so true, bro.

And he's like, like, can you see me mingling at a PTA meeting? And I was like, no, I don't.

Need you at a pta, bro. Just come see me kick a ball, dog, and yell at me, even if you're yelling at me to, you know, do better. I just needed you there. No, that makes sense, bro. So let me ask you this, Scott. You said you don't hold anger and resentment towards him. Right? What do you hold towards him?

Respect. And a newfound respect.

I love that.

And a newfound love and admiration and the fact that he's been able to open up, which is something that he just. In, in some areas anyway.

Which is, which is still massive, bro.

Yeah.

Because from old school, dad that he.

Is, I knew nothing about my dad growing up. Nothing. I didn't even know where he was born. Like, I did, you know, really that much. Now I, now I find, you know, now I know that he left home at age 14. He had had a, like a, A family that took him in. And, like, he was telling me about his first car that cost $300, no air conditioning and blah, blah, blah, blah.

When was your dad born, bro?

Well, he's seven. He's like, he had to ask me that. I don't know. He's like 71 or something. Yeah.

But anyway, he's not much older than my dad, so he started young.

I think he had me when he was like, anyway, who cares? But yeah, he, like, lived under the Golden Gate Bridge. I mean, he did all sorts of stuff, and I can only imagine what he did under that bridge.

But it's water under the bridge.

But, but yeah, and then, you know, went to the military and put himself through college. Graduated from University of North Texas here, Local.

Oh, dude, that's wild.

And went to school to be a teacher of all things. And never.

So now he is at PTA meetings.

Never did he. Never. He never became a teacher. But, oh, wow, he got into the corporate world and, yeah, that rest was history.

Have you. Have you told him that, bro, by any chance?

What.

Have you told him, like, because you told him what, you don't feel towards them?

Yeah, I. I feel towards them. Yeah, I have. Powerful. I told him that. I. I told him that I appreciate him more so now than I ever have. And, yeah, I appreciate all that he did for me, even though there was a lot of things he didn't. But fortunately, I had, you know, a mom too, where, you know, a lot of. A lot of people growing up don't have both parents. Yep. You know, so, yeah, I. I consider myself very fortunate in. In many aspects. We didn't grow up with. With a lot. And I got made fun of for the car I got dropped off in at school and the clothes that I wore. Yeah. So on and so forth. And that's probably why I am the way I am today.

Yeah, bro, I. I love that because it just shows what a. A perspective shift will do for us. You know what I mean?

Because.

Everything that's bad is constantly available. Like, bro, you could sit there and like, think about your dad and look for every area that he failed in, and then you would just be like, you know what? F this guy, I'm resentful again. I'm mad again. You start feeling that towards. If you start looking at it in that type of perspective, like, dude, look at everything this dude went through. Look at everything he overcame. Look at everything he had to go through. Right? And he did the best that he could with what he had. It's not because he didn't want to love me. It's just that's how he felt that he loved me.

That's like.

That's like some dads, which. And moms, because there's both, that leave their kids with somebody. Right. They feel. Some of them feel, because you hear these stories all the time, that I felt like that was the best thing that I could do for you. I feel like the best thing that I could offer you is that because I was either strung out on drugs, I didn't have a good job, I was homeless, whatever it is. And so they felt like that was like the best thing that they could do. And obviously anyone who's gone through that is clearly going to more than likely disagree, but the reality is that's probably what they felt in that moment, or they Made a really bad mistake. Right. And that's where we can sit here and hold on to these things of, man, my dad didn't show up in this area, man, my dad didn't. He caused this trauma in me. It's being thrown around so much right now. I have this trauma, childhood trauma. I have to, like, uproot all this childhood trauma, and it's like I have to go and find exactly what caused it. Guess what? You're not gonna exactly what caused it all the time because you don't even remember where you left your keys half the time. You know what I'm saying? So it's like, it's not. It's not all about that sometimes it's just about recognizing that, man. You know what? I'm really feeling something towards this person, and I don't want to anymore. And you making the decision. You making the decision to get yourself free. You making the decision to, like, man, I don't want to feel like that no more towards this person or towards life because I see where it's crippling me in these areas.

That's what. That's what I'm trying to, is. Is to making that conscious decision.

Yeah.

And once you do that, things change.

Yeah. But you have to be willing to do it. Nobody can. Nobody. Nobody can do it for you. Even listening to this podcast, you might get encouraged to want to do it, but you still have to do it.

Yeah.

Like, you still have to make the choice to, if your dad is still here on Earth, phone him up, you know what I'm saying, and forgive him and tell him what you do, love and appreciate about him. That's on you to do. You have to have that conversation. And it is an extremely healing conversation that the number one thing that stops us from having that conversation is pride and ego. What is he going to think about me? How is he going to respond? Am I going to look weak? Am I going to sound like an idiot? All these, all these questions are, Are there.

Are there any scenarios? Because there's some. There's a lot of people out there that might be thinking like, well, you know that my. My dad abused me. Yeah. You know, I don't. I don't. I don't want anything to do with that guy. And, you know, if. If I had been like. I mean, my dad smacked me up inside the head with his ring and.

Stuff, and, dude, my dad separated my ear from my head down here.

But that stuff, like, that's one thing. But, like, if, you know, if there's also like sexual. If your dad, like, maybe he didn't even sexually abuse you, but maybe he sexually abused a cousin or something like that. And, you know, it's like that. That type of. I don't know that I could. I could call him up and say, hey, things are all right. I mean, unless he's in jail or something. I don't know. It's just I. I haven't been through that, so I don't know. But, yeah, I brought it up because I know there's a lot of people listening that have had scenarios where, you know, it's just not. It's not that easy to say. Yeah. You know. Yeah. Because there's more to it than just like, oh, well, he wasn't there for me. He worked all the time. You know, he treated my mom like he drank all the time. You know, those things, I think are forgivable, but there are things that maybe aren't. And, you know, and I just. I just felt obligated to like, throw that out there, so.

Well, what does holding on to, like, let's, let's stay on that track a little bit.

Yeah.

What does holding on to unforgiveness do? How is that. How is that serving person?

I don't think. I don't think it's a situation where you say, I hate my dad and I don't forgive him, but it's a. It's a thing where, like, I just don't want anything to do with him. I don't want him in your. In my life because I can't forget what, what he, what he did, you know, and, and that way you can move on with, you know, emotionally with your life. And, and so I, I think forgiveness is important.

Yeah.

And. But, but I don't think you should feel obligated to be in.

No.

Their life. No. If they did some, if they, if they did something. But, but. Yeah, I think that, but you bring up a good point. And, And I think forgiveness is. Is something that is, It's. Will allow you to mentally and emotionally move. Move forward.

Yes. And it's. Because it's.

For you.

It's.

And, and, and maybe. And maybe take that experience or experiences that. That you. That scarred you and, and turn them into a positive and help other people maybe like, become a. Become like Oprah Winfrey, become a coach or a life coach or, or, or, or. Or just volunteer to, to counsel other people that have gone through what you went through and make it. And turn it into a positive. You know, that's another thing you could do.

Exactly, bro. It's just. It's just up to. It's really just up to what kind of life you want to have, man. And, and here's, here's what I want us to understand about forgiveness. It's like, you're not. First of all, I really. I don't hate it just kind of like is like, why do we say that? Like, why I can forgive, but I can't. I'm not gonna forget. Duh. Duh. You have memory of it. It was a big moment in your life, but not. No one's asking you to forget it.

Can block shit out. I can.

Well, traumatically, that's what we do. That's how we block things out is through. That's. That's when you know that was a traumatic event is when you've actually blocked it out. Right. And if you've actually blocked it out, then you wouldn't really be aware of it. That's why some people when. That. Whenever they start doing, like we were talking earlier about like the microdosing for like psychedelics.

Yeah.

It's like they remember things that they didn't even know they experienced. It's because they blocked it out, which I think is such a powerful tool that God uses to protect us as kids, which then as adults we can.

Exactly.

But, but I think for forgiveness, it's like, I want. I want us to recognize because there is some really tough issues out there, but there's some phenomenal stories that come out of those issues.

And, and one thing I just want to add before we wrap up is that for, for those of you who have gone through some traumatic things, like identify maybe how that's affecting you in a negative light. Like, maybe you.

There's a good example. Maybe you don't trust men.

You have a problem with trusting.

Or.

Yes. This goes back to the whole daddy issue thing. If, if your dad beat you or, you know, then you tend to, you know, or, or if.

Or you always had to perform for your dad. So now you feel like if you don't perform for a partner, then you're not going to get love.

Or if your dad wasn't there for you. You tend to date older men because you're, you know, it's. It all comes down to the idea. I just. I just want people to identify what, if any things that are. That are like just kind of hovering or brewing.

Yeah.

And. And be conscious of them so you can make the change. Make changes?

Yeah.

If, if, if in fact they are affecting you in a negative light.

Yeah, because here's what's not healthy, is going back and figuring that out and then staying there by just going back and saying, well, this is why I do this. Well, this is why I do this. That's like standing in an amp pile and not moving.

I'm not saying go back to. So you.

No, I know. I'm not saying. You're saying that. I just want to be very clear with any listener.

Very, very, very clear.

If you figure that out. Yeah, if you figure that out, figure it out with intention.

Fucking do something. Don't just.

If. If you want to. I mean, if you want to. If. I heard. I think it's Jim. Jim Rowe.

Jim Rome.

Yeah. He's now passed away, but phenomenal, dude. And he said, there's one emotion that we can choose to feel today that can literally propel us to make change immediately, and that one emotion is disgust. If you can look at an area in your life and you can just finally say, I am disgusted with how I'm showing up in this area. And guess what? It is not my dad's fault. It is not my ex's fault. It is not this family member's fault. It is mine, because I've allowed their actions to now cripple me and continue in this pattern. And once we can get disgusted with that area, we can then start to make a change. But if we're soaking in it and it's just, we tolerate it, and we get what we tolerate, we get our standards. And so if your standard for your day is being miserable, you're going to tolerate that for the rest of your life. But if you get disgusted with waking up and feeling the same way. I remember, bro, like, this past week, I had multiple days where I was just like, bro, I'm, like, in this certain head space, and I don't like it. Like, I'm feeling a certain type of way, and I don't like it. And I literally verbally said, if I keep thinking the same thing today that I thought yesterday, I'm experience. That's not what I want. So I changed it. I changed what I was focusing on. I started redirecting my mind, creating new neurological pathways to create a new emotion, a new experience. And because I finally got disgusted by feeling the exact same things, and.

And you know that I, too, went through. Yes, the same. Exact same.

We just went through, like, the same rut.

Yeah. Yeah. And I showed. I showed up, I think, last week. I know we met twice last week, and I think I showed up on Thursday, and I Was like. Like, you're dressed nice. I'm like, man. Because I just had to change something today.

Yeah.

I. I can't feel like I felt yesterday.

Yes.

I just had to wake up and do things differently.

Exactly.

Because I just can't continue to freaking feel this way, dude.

Here's what I love about life, and here's also what can be so challenging about life, is that two plus two equals four. I don't care how you feel about it. I don't care if it's raining. I don't care if it's sunny. It doesn't matter if a new baby was born or if a family member passed away. Two plus two equals four.

Frank is educated. Yeah.

You see what I mean? There's absolutes in this life, is what I'm getting at.

I get it.

Yeah. There's absolutes in this life is what is literally what I'm saying. So, for example, there's people who are dealing with depression. I was literally suicidal, like, two and a half years ago. Three years ago, I was literally suicidal. But two plus two still equaled four, which meant if I got up and I did a little exercise, not a long one, a little exercise, and moved my body, I felt better. Why? Because exercise releases endorphins and dopamine and.

All of that progress or sense of accomplishment or sense of self worth anything.

Yeah, that's all added on. Yeah, but I'm talking about, like, in your brain and in your biochemistry. Like, that's what I mean by two plus two equals four. Because it doesn't matter what you're thinking. If you do it, your body responds to it because it's an absolute.

Right.

So guess what? If you're going throughout the day and you're feeling crappy and you're like, God, I'm so tired of feeling crappy. If you adjust your focus and you start focusing on man, what do I have in this life right now that I'm genuinely. I can genuinely be grateful for? Like, genuinely, genuinely. And you just start appreciating that and. And literally thanking God for that and literally even shooting a message out to that person, telling them what you love so much about how grateful you are for them, two plus two equals four, you're going to start feeling better. It is inevitable. But for some reason, we think whenever we're, like, in our feelings that two plus two doesn't equal four, or we use the excuse, well, I don't feel like doing math right now. In other words, I don't feel like doing a workout. I Don't feel like changing my phone. Well, that's a choice. That's a choice. Joe Rogan said this once and I was like, bro, he's so right. Some girl was on his podcast and she was like, yeah. And he was just feeling really down and he just could not work out. And he's like, whoa, no, no, no. He could work out.

He could work out.

She's like, no, he literally couldn't. He was like, did he ever get up? She was like, yeah, but I mean, he could, like, all he did was like, go to the fridge then he could work out. He was like. She was like, well, yeah, but I mean, he was like, look, if you can drag yourself to the fridge, you can drag yourself through a workout. Doesn't have to be an intense hour workout. He was like, but you can work out. You're choosing not to. You're literally making the conscious decision not to. And I was like, bro, that is some G stuff. That is some G stuff. But it's so true.

But, but it's just, it's very basic too. It's just basic knowledge.

Yes, dude. Like every. Everybody thinks that, like this life is so complicated and healing trauma is so complicated and all these things. It's. It's really not. It's so simple. But implementing is difficult because feelings and emotions get in the way and we allow them to get in the way, and our emotions are our masters. I think that there's absolutes in life that if we genuinely desire a different outcome, we have to make the choice to follow those. And that's like, who said it? Ed Milette. Ed Milette said. He said, you don't get your goals, you get your standards. And so if your standard is, regardless of how I'm feeling emotionally, let's not, maybe not physically, but emotionally and sometimes even physically, I'm still going to get up and do a 30 minute workout. Regardless of how I feel at this time, and regardless of how I feel, I'm going to go to sleep at this time. These are absolutes where it's like, if I get six hours of sleep, I feel energized. If I wake up at this time, I have more time to do this, invest into me and do this right? And it's like there's these absolute. Where a practice of gratitude, of adjusting your focus. That's really what. If you don't like journaling, you don't have to journal, but it's just about taking your focus onto what you're grateful for. Usually journaling helps you do that practically. But some people like me, I do it while I'm driving in my head and I just start thinking about things. Right. And so there's these absolutes that if I take five minutes to start practicing gratitude and appreciating things in my life, the effect of that lasts for hours. That's an absolute.

You know what just popped in my head? That I want to talk about it. Because I've got to talk about it. Because it's something that I'm so like such an advocate of. And you know, this, it's effective communication and it's so freaking important. And this goes out, this goes. If you run a business, if you run a department, if you are in a humans, if you were, if you deal with humans, which everyone does. Yeah, but nobody effectively communicates anymore. When I say nobody, I just mean very few people. Yeah. Because drives me mad all the way from friends to family to people that I do, colleagues that I work with, people that work for me, people that I work for. And when you, we, it makes all the difference in the world with, with your relationships, you know, and I want to, I'm going to throw a scenario out if you, I mean, I under, I, I get, I get hazed all the time because I send long text messages because I feel like I need to communicate and if you're not going to pick up the damn phone, I'm going to text. I mean, I talk when I text anyway, so.

Yeah, but you do send long text messages. I, I do read them, but I used to not read them all the time. I just get the gist. And then I remember you said you were like, please make sure you read the whole thing. And so I started reading the whole thing because then I feel like an idiot because I'm like, oh, he mentioned that. Then I asked about it and I'm like, I could have just took the time to read the text.

And, and I get like, texts are, and emails are a way to communicate certain things, but that's what's wrong with so many. And, and guys think of, think about like any business, restaurant or a company or anything, any, anything you deal with and how commun, how much communication is verbal anymore. How many people do you actually talk to? And why am I bringing this up? Bringing it up because it pisses me off so bad on a daily basis.

Because people just, Never mind. Episode two is going to be about communication.

Yeah, communication. I, I, I genuinely want people to understand that like if you're, if you're co parenting, right. Like you may have A, you know, something worked out where you use an app or something, great. And if it works for you, fantastic. But just so you stay on the same page, just so that you create a stronger co parenting relationship. Just like verbalizing with each other and hearing the tone of somebody and letting them hear your tone so it's not misinterpreted. Yeah. You know it makes a difference. It really does. And like if I, if I, you know, somebody could send a text, they hear it how they want to hear it or perceive it because they hear, you know, it depends on their mood. They may be in a shitty mood and they're like, oh, then he's being sarcastic. But maybe he, maybe he or she were. We're being very like, yeah, you know, real. So it's like just pick up the phone and make that quick call and, and say hey, I just wanted to touch base with you, make sure that you know, things are going well. You know, it goes so it's, it makes such a difference, man.

Yeah.

And, and when it, when it comes to business, any company that I own, communication.

Yeah.

Has to be, oh man, it's going to be so freaking effective. Has to be top from department to department. You know how many companies left hand don't know what the right hand's doing? Well, relationships are same way.

Yeah. And especially with kids too, man.

And, and, and communicating with your kids and there who are the kings of text. Right. So you know, if it's just like hey, be home by 7 o', clock, that's one thing. But if it's, if it's a, a conversation of source or you're talking about anything that has any grid or meaningful.

Yeah.

Meaningfulness, then for sake pick up the phone. Talk. Talk. Yeah.

I feel like communication obviously is key but I tell, I, I tell this to people all the time. That one thing that I've learned is that communication, if it's key, that means there's a lock. So it's a two piece. There's two pieces to it. It's not just about you communicating. You've got to be able to literally like not just comprehend, but understand. If you don't, you have those two components. If all you do is over communicate but you don't know how to listen and you don't know how to understand.

Right.

Communication now is flawed. So communication is not the number one thing in a relationship. Understanding also they go hand in hand, but they have to go hand in hand.

And that's the whole thing.

Yeah.

About verbal and.

Yeah.

Because what is it 90% of communication.

Yeah.

Is.

Yeah.

It's facial expressions, body expression. It's expression, bro.

I would literally. I would literally send voice memos whenever my ex would think that I'm being like a chode on text. I would literally send voice memos. I'd have to send them outside of the app because I couldn't send them in the app. But I'd be like, hey, look, I just want you to hear my voice so that you know that I'm not sending this with an attitude. I'm not sending this with anything like that. I'm being very clear and direct and assertive, but I'm not being a dick, and I'm not trying to start something, and I'm not attacking you. That's not it at all. I just want to do what's best for our little girl right now in this scenario. And I'm trying to listen to where you're at right now, but I had to do that through a voice memo for her to finally get the bro. Her dad. Her dad. I wonder if they. Any of them ever listen to my show. Like, that would be kind of interesting. But her dad came outside one day, tried. Tried, like, raising his voice with me because of how I was texting her, See? And I was like. I was like, homeboy, I. I had to shut him down real quick, bro, because I was like, you're not gonna step up to me? I mean, you can try, but you're not gonna step up to me. And I was like, I have the exact same text messages because we messaged through an app. I was like, this is when the storm happened. The ice storm happened, right?

Yeah.

And I remember we were messaging back and forth. I forgot about what it was because I was checking to see if they were okay, like a decent human being. And then I was like, yeah, well, I still have light in Princeton. Do y' all have it in Wiley? And she took that as me saying, oh, we have it in Princeton. And you don't have it in what?

For those listening, those are two cities that are a few miles apart.

Yeah. And I'm like, are you serious right now? And I even said. I was like, what about your family? How's your family? Do they have light? So she thought. She made this. She created this dialogue in her head that I was like, in making myself feel like I am above them because I have light right now. And I was like. I literally told him. I was like, dog, you read messages based off of your mood. Not my mood. Just because you guys are in a Shitty place does not mean I'm sitting. Sending a shitty text.

Exactly.

I was like. I was like.

I just said, too.

Yes.

Like, if you're in a shitty mood.

You'Re gonna read it off.

Like, you're gonna.

You're gonna.

That's how you're gonna interpret things.

Yes, exactly, bro. It's just. So. We've got to learn to listen. I think that's the. I remember when I was learning more sales on YouTube. They said the best way to become. Or I was learning how to become a great communicator. I was, like, taking lessons and whatnot. They said the number one thing you got to learn how to do is listen.

If. If you're selling and you're doing which. If you're. If you're doing well. Yeah. Okay, we can argue that, too. But. But if you're selling and you're doing all the talking, you're losing.

Yep. Yeah. 100.

Because you got to ask questions and get them talking anyway. I'm not gonna go get an old sales thing.

But it. Well, but we should do it one day, though, because guess what? We sell our kids on chores. We sell our kids on rewards. We sell our kids on hobbies. We sell our kids on things that they need to get done. But I think.

But you can't effectively sell them with. But. Yeah. And another thing is, like, when you're communicating, like, stop somebody and say, hey, I lost you.

Yeah. Or this is what I'm hearing.

Or. Yeah, is this. Is. Is it. You're saying this. This is what I'm hearing. Is. Is. Is that in fact what you mean? You know, because how many people do that? Or do they just sit there and nod even though they, you know. You know, a lot?

They got the response already in the head.

But. But I look at people when I talk to them, and I can tell when they, like, all right, Kind of not following you. I'm like, all right, maybe I'm not explaining this in a way.

Yeah.

This person understands it. Yeah. So then I'll ask a couple of questions and say, hey, did I lose you? Or if I did, tell me where and let me rewind and maybe I can explain it in a more effective way.

Yeah.

You know, and. And that's important, whether it's just me and you talking as friends or if I'm selling you something. Yeah, but you know, me and cells is huge in cells. Like, if. Yeah. The second I see somebody, like, confused or the second they, like. Like they're about to say no or they got that I don't know, face on. Like, I know I up and I need to rewind and re explain. It's like, I obviously didn't explain it or I obviously didn't. Yeah. Ask you enough questions to provide you the information to demonstrate why you need this or whatever the case may be.

Yeah, yeah. No, it's. It's so huge. I think one really practical tool, honestly, men, that we can start using today to increase our communication and to make us better communicators. And if you're a. If you're a single dad and you're in the. Out in the dating world, it's really going to help you out a ton, too. It's going to help you out in sales. It's going to help you out in parenting. It's going to help you just get more information from people. It's called mirroring. That's all it's called is mirroring. And it's really what it. What it sounds like. You mirror what the person says, which means you have to freaking listen. You have to actually listen to what they're saying. So it's like, man, I just, you know, you're on. You're on a date with a girl and you're like, hey, so, like, tell me a little bit about yourself. Oh, well, you know, like, I don't really know what I'm doing right now. I feel like I'm just more on the creative side, but I. I don't want to settle in this area. And they start going. And then all of a sudden you're like, man, I love how you're creative, but you don't want to settle. You just used. You just mirrored two specific words that she used. And now whenever you ask that question, you dig more. You're pretty much asking her, what does settling mean to you? In what area are you settling in your life without her even knowing that? And then guess what she's going to do? Well, yeah, I mean, more information. It happens like clockwork in sales. And guys, whenever you're parenting, whenever you're dating, whenever you're doing anything, you are selling. You are selling an experience with you. You're selling another date with you. You're selling a lifetime experience with you.

Like, you're selling being liked or disliked or just like.

Yeah. What do they get with you?

Well, this, this person, like, one thing I look for in people is. Is empathy.

Yeah.

And you have to. You have to be a good listener to be an empath.

Yeah.

To demonstrate empathy and to, to be able to respond and say Wow. I, I, I haven't been in that exact situation, similar situations, but. Wow. But I understand what it's like to feel, you know, unheard or whatever the case may be.

Yeah.

But, but, you know, I'm a huge advocate of, of empathy, too, because, you know, with, without, without empathy, you suck at cells, you suck at being a friend, you suck at listening. Yeah.

Suck as a parent.

You suck at a lot of things if you don't, if, if you don't have empathy.

Yeah.

And you're not in my life either.

Yeah, man. I think it's just huge for us that we've got to start developing. And, gentlemen, like, I want to encourage you, like, start listening to yourself for a moment, man. Like, there's so many times where I start having conversations with people and they're like, man, I just, I feel really, this, I'm like, you feel that? Like, yeah. I'm like, well, why do you feel that? And then they start talking about it, and then all of a sudden they're like, you know, saying one thing. Well, I just feel like, you know, this person doesn't care what, whatever it is. I'm like, you feel like they don't care? Well, yeah, because if they did. Right. But half the time, we don't even really know what we're, why we're feeling what we're feeling, and then we expect somebody else to understand us. It's like, it doesn't work that way. You know what I'm saying? Like, you want somebody to genuinely understand you and hear you, but you don't even genuinely understand or hear yourself. And guess what? That does. It just makes you a better communicator because you actually communicate what the hell is going on. Literally, like that moment whenever I popped off on my let's circle back to daddy issues last episode, that moment where I popped off on my little girl, Guess what I did 10, 15 minutes later because I've been working so much on, why am I feeling? What am I feeling? I'm not just like, man, I'm feeling hurt. I'm feeling sad. I'm feeling mad. Why am I feeling that? Why am I genuinely feeling that? And I told my little girl, I was like, baby, I want you to know I'm not mad at you, and I shouldn't have responded that way, but I'm not mad at you. I just get scared because I see such good things in you, and I don't want you to compromise that. You see what I'm saying?

Good recovery, bro.

That was great communication. Not to Toot my own horn, but it's because I listened to myself. What am I actually experiencing? You know what I mean? So some, some, some of us men, especially, like now in like, the modern day, you want a woman that can be there for you. You want a woman that can listen to you. You want that. But you don't even give yourself 10 minutes to check in on yourself, bro. Like, get, get the hell out of here with that hypocrisy. You're trying to get somebody to prioritize you, you don't even prioritize your damn self. You're trying to get somebody to motivate you and encourage you and build a life with you, but you don't even do that for you. Like, come on, man.

Yeah, like, that's not working out.

Well, you see what I mean? Like, of course I do. It starts with us. That's why the Bible says, love thy neighbor. Lie that, like yourself. In other words, listen to your neighbor like yourself. It's not saying do it like that. It's saying you're going to do it like that.

And, and literally, I, I, I don't, I don't care if you're Christian or what, what your belief system is, but I, I don't talk about mine. I don't talk about religion or politics with anybody just because I don't. But I will tell you this. I live by the golden rule, and I literally treat other people exactly how I would want to be treated in, yeah. In any situation. Yeah. And a lot of that is empathy. And I, I think just generally speaking, like, I'll give, I'll give you an example. Like, I, I sold some wheels off my car and, oh, you told me this story. This guy, this guy.

You're a great man, Scott.

This guy shows up from, from Austin to come to Dallas and, and I had it, I had him listed on like two, two, two places. One, I had them for like 1500. And another one, I was like, I'm just gonna lower it to a thousand and get rid of them, get them out of my garage. And the guy hands me 1500 bucks. I put the money in my pocket and I was like, I know I got it listed for a thousand somewhere. So I handed you 500 bucks back and I didn't feel any better. I'm not gonna lie. But that's how I would hope that, that someone would be fair and treat me. And, you know, I'm not looking for karma down the road because honestly, three minutes later I was helping him, put him in his Truck. And I fell flat on my freaking face. So much for karma, right? I literally like bruised. But anyway. But I tell that story just because I genuinely live and breathe by the golden rule. Yeah. And. And that's what I would hope someone would do. Like, not take advantage of a situation.

Yeah.

And the guy didn't even try to negotiate with me, so I should have kept the money just because of that. You always try and negotiate. Yeah. If you don't ask, you don't get, you know?

Yeah. Yeah.

Come on, man. At least ask for a discount. Biblical. I. I should. I should have taught him a lesson. Said, man, you did even ask for a discount, so I'm only going to.

Give you 200, bro.

There's.

Bro, there's a good story on that. It's really short. Tony Robbins shared this story. He was walking down the street, he saw a homeless man, and he was like, man, you know what? Like, I could give him. He had a lot of money in his pocket. He was like, I could give him all this, but I want to give him a life lesson, something deeper and bigger than that.

I've heard this. Yeah.

And so he was like. The homeless man was like, hey, man, do you happen to have any spare change? He was like, yeah, man. How much do you need? Just, you know, any change that you have. So he was like, okay. He. He literally. I think he. I think the homeless man even said, like, even if you. If all you have is a quarter, like, I'd be grateful for a quarter. So Tony Robbins was like, okay. So he pulls out, like, a wad of hundreds, and then he pulls out a quarter, and he gives the man the quarter and puts the cash back in his. In his pocket. And the moral of the story is exactly that you get out of life what you asked for.

Yep.

Because the homeless man was, like, looking at him like, what the heck? And he. He said that. He told the homeless man, like, look, man, in life, you get what you ask for. If you ask for a quarter, you're gonna get a quarter. And then the dude was just like, this dude's weird.

That is. That is one of the many things I've instilled in my son.

Like, I love that.

If you don't ask, you don't get. And, man, I. Every. Every single time I can find an example of that, I'm like, see, dude, if you don't ask, you don't get.

Yep, there it is. There it is, dude, bro. Hopefully all of you guys enjoyed this. We went for an hour. It was really good. There's two episodes. Hopefully all of you enjoyed this. Man, we covered a ton of stuff and I just want you guys to know, like, we're never going to be perfect. We're never going to be perfect, but we can. We, we do choose our standards. We do our, we do choose our standards on how we show up, on how we forgive, on how we show grace and mercy to ourselves. Because what we do for ourselves will do to other people. If you're extremely, like, hard on you and really like negative towards yourself, that's probably why you're negative towards other people, because we just project what we self inflict and so set your standards to the kind of life that you want to create, the kind of parent you want to be and then meet those things.

And I, I want to say one more thing before we wrap up and because, because it just, it's happened to me multiple times in the last two weeks. I have this rule. Like when I, when I'm emotional, I'll go and I'll write an email in response to something and man, of course I want to hit sin, but I don't. I won't let myself. Or I could pick up the phone and I want to react the second I find out about something, but I won't let myself. I'll think about it, I'll sleep on it. I like 24 hours go by. I have a rule 24, sometimes 48, depending on the scenario and the situation. But point being is, do not act or react without thinking it through. Give yourself some time. Do not react on emotion because it's not how you would handle things on a regular basis. Get your mind right before you handle any situation, whether it be with your child, children, ex, especially current girlfriend, friend, anybody, literally anybody. Boss, business, colleagues, anybody. Because I almost hit send on an email just before we started filming and I'm so glad I didn't because the second we got up here, before we started filming, I got a response from the email that I was. I didn't get a response from, from a couple days ago, but I, but I got a response and it was a positive response.

Yeah.

And had I hit send, I would have just cringed. Just cringed. So let, just let that be a lesson. Just don't react. Give it time. And especially when emotions are running high, let them calm down.

That's really good.

So as Frank said, I hope everybody got something out of this. I had fun today and I hope everybody got something from this wonderful podcast we do.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir. It.