Dating as a single dad and Healing from Divorce.

Okay, we're rolling.

Right?

This is what? This is episode seven, bro.

Seven.

Episode seven. So welcome to episode seven, episode Siete. For those Spanish speaking that episode Siete, with our special guest, Maddie London.

What's up, everyone?

So they've heard me talk quite a bit about you.

Oh, really? Actually, who's they?

The listeners.

Oh, what's up, listeners?

All four of them.

Hit me in the DMs.

No, but last time he brought you up and started talking about the podcast that you have, which we'll get into in a minute, but. And I just. I put him on blast. I was like, dude, quit talking about this guy. And I want to meet him. He sounds great and be a awesome addition to the show.

He's all right.

Well, glad to be here. I'm looking forward to hearing all of the things that you guys have been talking about.

So, yeah, it's pretty cool. It's a little bit different than your podcast, probably. This is not like the single dad's dating podcast, but.

Well, I had all these notes. Now I feel dirty.

It is this episode.

This episode.

Oh, we're going to get dirty.

Yes.

Thank God. Because we do sticky.

Right now we cover all the single dad topics, and dating is clearly one of them. Very big one.

Yeah. And we've been wanting to hit on it for a little bit, and I was like, man, I think it'd be so cool to bring you in and just make it, like, more fun, but also, like, hit on some actual key things, you know, I mean, that actually do help for, like, a single dad looking for a relationship. And then what I'm thinking is we'll probably end up splitting this episode into two. And so we'll just, like, seamlessly, for anyone that's listening, we'll seamlessly transition into the second episode. And I think on the second one, it'd be cool to talk about just kind of like the heartbreak.

Oh, heartbreak.

And how you heal. You know what I'm saying?

Because, wait, you've healed.

I'm healing.

I think I'm gonna learn in this episode.

Well, I was telling Scott about the technique that you taught.

Told me about. Oh, yeah.

Where you film yourself on the phone.

Talking, which I've now done twice, and I really dig it. Yeah.

Well, so for the listeners, and we'll talk probably a little bit later in the episode, but when you are a single dad, there are some crappy dads out there that all they really care about is themselves. But when you're a healthy father and you're focused on your family, you do start to date, and every once in a while you do find a relationship that is serious. And sadly, those relationships do fall apart. And so really, what is being referenced in that healing technique was I had been in a serious relationship for a while that was closing in on potential marriage.

Post divorce.

I'm sorry, this was post divorce? Yeah, serious dating relationship. And it actually ended up going in a direction I had not expected. Kind of the out of the blue breakup. And so it left me heartbroken. And so I had to figure out techniques that I could used to kind of. I. I would say self medicate. And then also I had children. Right. So I had to be the best I could for my kids, but also not be a depressed mess either.

Yeah, exactly. So before we get into that, the dating aspect.

Oh, boy, here we go.

Well, just before we get into that, let's just kind of give us a little bit of background, like how, how, you know, when. When did you get divorced? How long have you been single? That kind of thing.

Yep. Maddie, 6 foot 8, made of muscles. I'm on Instagram. Hit me up. No. So I, I've. So I got married when I was 19 because I'm an idiot and was in that relationship for a while, and that lasted through my 20s. And then near the end of my 20s, I had a daughter in that relationship. And it was, it was determined by myself that that relationship was not going to last long term. There's too many differences between myself and that individual on every front possible. And so I made the decision that I was literally going to end up living a life of just frustration and pain. And I was, I was a terrible dad that first couple years of my daughter's life because I was just so depressed and so unhappy. I was extremely overweight. I was just not. I was not the person that I had been before I met this individual. And it's not on that individual's issue. It's just sometimes you don't have a support system and you spiral. So when I was 27, I ended up getting divorced. And so I was single dad at 27, and I was focused on my career, and that was really what I was aiming to do. And single for a couple of years, and then I did end up meeting somebody again and I got married again. And I think what I learned and where I'm at now is that relationship sadly didn't work out, but it was a mutual understanding where she and I had a son together and we kind of just, you know, high fived and said, look, we're better friends. We're better co parents than we are lovers. So we, we ended up completely different. Yeah, it was, it was very different.

That's not something that happens every day. The amicably.

Yeah.

High five. We're still friends, but let's. Yeah. Co parents.

And I see, I see her all the time. I mean, for Memorial days and holidays, we celebrate together. You know, it's, it's very calm and good situation and we're friends, so I think that's really good. But I had not done a lot of personal discovery between my, my relationship with my daughter's mom and then my son's mother. So really I've been single now for five years since that relationship ended. And I've been in one serious relationship, which we'll talk about a little bit later. But I think that for a long time I used relationships as a way of determining my self worth. Did somebody find me sexy? Did somebody find me intriguing?

Yeah, I feel that.

And so the beginning of it was. It was just emotional cocaine.

Really.

Yeah.

Right.

Just constantly trying to get a fix to make myself feel better about myself because I didn't really like myself.

Yeah, right.

It's a good analogy.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's a really good analogy. What the heck, bro? So what, I mean, how'd you figure that out?

Well, I think there was a time where I was, I was a douchebag. Right. And there was. And we talked off air a little bit about this where, you know, you say you're not looking for. You say to somebody, it looks like they're potentially interested in going to your house for a cup of coffee that evening.

Yeah.

And so you say whatever you need to say to kind of keep going with the story. Sadly.

Yeah.

And I wasn't ready nor wanting anything serious in the beginning. And then, you know, I did find an individual that it just clicked even on the first date. And it was one of the best first dates I've ever had. I felt this connection and I was like, I want to date this person. I want this person in my life.

Wow.

And you know, I was committed. Right. Within three weeks.

I guess the feeling was mutual.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, so, you know, it was just a great connection. But ever since then I've been that that relationship ended a little about a year and a half ago. And so I've been very much healing from that. And I took the time to heal. I went on some dates, but I just knew, and I've been very honest with people that I was not ready for anything serious.

Yeah. Dang, dude.

Do you believe in the philosophy of. There's many ways to say it, but, you know, once you go through a breakup, you take your mind off it.

By, you know, dating and sleeping around.

Yeah. I mean, the best way to get over someone is to get under somebody. Right. That's the analogy. I would say that there's. It goes right back to the idea of that kind of emotional cocaine. Right. That physical cocaine where you become emotionally unavailable but physically very available. And sadly you're just using others to get over something that you need to focus in on yourself. Right. And what I learned after this last breakup was that I needed to work on myself. And so I. I really started to go to therapy. Right. Focusing on my relationship, you know, with God, whatever that is to anybody. That. That was my story. And then, you know, working out and being surrounded by people that I trusted and I knew cared about me. And obviously all of us went through a very challenging year last year with the pandemic. And it was just for sure a crazy situation for a lot of people. So these techniques aren't just about a breakup. It's really just dealing with anything that's kind of eating you alive. But drugs and alcohol and sex and meaningless connections a lot of us use to keep our minds busy. But at the end of the day, it never really fixes anything. It just prolongs people. Yeah.

Very empty for those of us that have been there.

Yeah. But I think we've all been there at like a certain point and stuff. But so when.

I'm sorry, I just think it's really cool that you were able to self reflect enough to see like, this is what's going on with me and this is what I need to do to make it better and, you know, surround myself with the right people, people I trust. And, you know, just a lot of people don't self reflect and identify the. Those types of things to, you know, to self improve. So I commend you for that. I mean, that's really cool.

Yeah. I mean, I didn't do it on my own. Right. I think it was something that, you know, I just kind of. I had to go through. I remember I was on a date a few weeks after this breakup. You know, just trying to keep my mind busy. And my, My ex and I used to play like a video game together. And this individual was talking about that video game and it was the. It was a very crazy situation where her bringing that up just caused me to like. Like it was an emotional experience I had never felt before. I just completely freaked out, you know, and, like, ptsd, it was just too soon, just too close. And I literally got up at the end of the date or near that date and said, you know, hey, I. I kind of got to go home. I just have to. I have to go home. Right. And I just left this individual kind of like, what? And then I knew at that point, I'm like, why? I'm not even close. I'm not even ready to. To be in a. In a dating relationship. So I just took some time, Right?

Yeah. I mean, something that small to trigger such emotions. Um, that's kind of a big deal. Yeah.

Yeah. And I feel like most people would just kind of push through that and be like, I'm good. Like, stop being a pans. You know, I'm saying instead of, like, acknowledging this is actually happening to me right now, like, let me figure out what the heck I need to do to actually, like, be better.

Yeah. I mean, I'd never. You know, I've been divorced twice, right. And I do this joke with some of my friends where, you know, we go out and. And I have had women ask me. They don't know my story, right? They have no idea. You know, they just go based upon looks and what they're seeing, and they're like, why are you single? Tell me that. And I go, well, would you like to go for a drink sometime? And they're like, yeah, I tell you about it. I'd like that. I'm like, okay. Real quick, though, before I do that, I would like you to know that I have been divorced twice. I have two kids from two different women, and I've never been able to have a serious relationship last longer than two years. Would you still like to have that drink, ma'? Am? And there's usually this really long pause, and then there's this sweet voice that's like, no, no, I wouldn't. And then I go, thank you for your time. And then I look over to my friends, I'm like, and this is why I am single. Right. So that's kind of the situation. But, you know, when you. Last year, I just went through. I think it was just the culmination of so many things about this breakup. The. The way in which this breakup happened, the pandemic, just. All of it kind of compiled and going back to the idea of your podcast, right. Being a single dad, you know, I have children, and so it was hard because I wasn't able to, like you said, push through and hide through a lot of this. And so my kids saw me in kind of this dark, dark time where I had a lot of pain. And you know, for my gonna ask you about, not my 5 year old so much, but my 12 year old was very emotionally aware of my pain and because, you know, my daughter has seen me go through these relationships and, and them end. And so, you know, it was the first time in my life where I had to like go into a bathroom and turn all the faucets and everything on and turn some music on in the bathroom because I was sobbing and crying so loudly that I was. I just didn't want my children to have to. To deal with the emotions that I was processing. Right.

Yeah.

Wow. That good looking out. But I mean, you were really in a dark spot.

Oh yeah, yeah, it was, it was a, it was a dark time for sure.

Do you think that's bad though, bro, for the kids to like, I mean, obviously to a certain extent to h.

To hide the pain?

Yeah, exactly. Like, I wouldn't have thought so. Anybody that's going through that, like, obviously you don't want to just throw up on your kids every single day, every single week. You know what I mean? Like, do you think it's bad for the kids to see that? Dang, dude. My dad actually is going through a hard time and he's processing.

I don't think it is. I think it's actually healthy for children to see because, you know, parents, fathers especially have been kind of painted into a corner of being stoic and hiding emotion and pressing on and biting their lip.

Definitely how I was raised.

Yeah. So I don't think there's anything wrong with showing emotion. I think that when it's in my case, you know, just a fire hose that is just flailing about. Right. It's. It's better for you to work on yourself. And the idea and the analogy here is, you know, when the Coast Guard is teaching, the lifeguards are not the lifeguards, the coast guard. The divers that save the people who are drowning on boats.

Yeah.

People when they're freaking out can drown you when you're trying to save them. And so the Coast Guard will actually, if you start like acting up, they'll leave you. They'll knock you out. Oh, they knock you out. Not to save you. Right?

Yeah. Not leave you.

Right. But yeah, they'll knock you out to save you. Because if they don't knock you out, you're going to drown them. Right. And so in that situation, my kids emotions and ability to process is not in a place where they can knock me out and I don't want to drown them. So I have to kind of say, like, no, I think now as I've gone through that healing and I've done that work, I can have these very solid conversations with my 12 year old especially. But at the time, you know, when I was having anxiety attacks and panic attacks and just crushing depression, like, that's not the time. That's not the time.

Yeah, no, definitely. Dang, man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's insane. I mean, bro, I can, I can honestly testify to that. And I think anybody who's listening has probably gone through something similar or is going through that because, I mean, we. We entered a bunch of, like, single dad groups, you know, with like, the intention to hopefully put this out there. And guys listen to it because, bro, there's nothing out there. There is like, there's nothing out there as far as resources for, like, single dads.

One of the things that literally kind of got this going was every Mother's Day on the radio or whatever, even though I got dogged on for listening to the radio these days, But I always hear something like, you know, shout out to you single mothers out there during Mother's Day. Father's Day comes around. No. Shout out.

Shout out to you single Mother's Day.

Yeah. So it's just kind of triggered and it's like, you know, we exist, but there's just. There's not many podcasts on the topic. There's not a lot of discussion on the topic.

Not a lot of books.

But, man, there are a lot of us out there. And there's like infinite scenarios as to why one is a single dad. You know, I lost my wife to cancer. You guys had. Divorced twice unexpectedly. So, you know, and the list goes on and on and on. That's why I like getting on those. The. The Facebook.

Yeah.

Groups. Because I've learned a lot of.

Yeah.

Like, things I wouldn't even have thought of, you know?

Yeah. I mean, there's definitely a. A stigma, right, that single dads have. Because, you know, there are. There are a lot of jerks. Right. There are a lot of guys out there that leave their wives and leave their kids because they met this, you know, super sexy woman at an Applebee's one night and then they leave Chili's Dog. Exactly. And they go, they go and get some milk and they never return. And so those are the kind of.

Dads that would do that.

Yeah. So, like, single dads do get a bad rap because of the bad situations. And. And it's never, you know, I don't want anyone to get divorced. Right. I think divorce or, you know, losing. Losing your wife and being a widow or widower, like, it's just each situation sucks. Yeah. I think that there are some people out there that they've. They've put themselves in their own hell. Right. Because of their decisions. And then there's others that. That's not always the case. And sadly, we all get kind of tossed into this idea of, you know, well, you're a single dad, so you're probably just an a hole. Right, Right.

Yep. And we're not.

At the end of the day, there are probably. Well, statistically, there are more bad single dads than there are good ones. Right.

Probably. Yeah. I think. I mean, that's. And the hypothesis of that being true is debatable. I think that there can be just as bad moms as bad dads. I think it just goes back to the idea of, you know, it's not gender. Right. It's just humanity. Like, people can be good and people can be bad. And I think just because of the stereotype of a single dad.

Exactly.

That, like every movie, like, go to any movie about a stereotype of a single dad or a dad that was absent. Right. He's, like, coming back when the kid's famous. He's coming back because famous or like, somehow he's got, like, a pickup truck.

And he's like, you know, I'm picturing like four movies.

Yeah, exactly. Because I have a pickup truck. Ricky. It's like Ricky. Ricky Bobby. Right. Like. Like that. They make fun of it, but, like, that's truly, like, the dad. Like, like, in a lot of ways that they think that you are. And so, you know, one of the things I think is funny is, you know, I'm. I love my kids because I love my kids. And there's no. I don't do it to try and get anything out of it. I want my kids to live a life. And my mantra as a parent is I want my kids to be independent and grow to learn how to live without me, because one day I'm not going to be here. And I feel like if you. If you build your entire parenting style on them needing you, then you failed because you are going to pass away. And when you do pass away, what are they going to do? Right. And they're just lost. And so I focus on independence, and that's a key skill that I want my kids to have. But I will say that I've been out And I'm just with my kids and we're just vibing and we have a nice little unit. And some people have been like, are you this cool with your kids in private, like, or are you. Is it just. You're out in Target, just hanging and having fun with your kids and you're just trying to use them to pick up chicks. And to that I was like, I've never picked up a chick because of my kids.

Yeah.

Right. If anything, I've lost more dates when I've raised the fact that I do have children.

Yeah.

I mean, people do it with dogs all the time, but yeah, senior kid. That's.

I was gonna say probably the only. The only stereotype that single dads have that's kind of good is being on a single dating app or. On the dating app.

Yeah. If they see those dating apps, if.

They see your profile and you have a kid, the women flock to you.

Well, I never, I never show my kids in my profiles. Like, picture wise. I do have them on my Instagram and my, you know, Instagram's public, but, like, within the dating apps, I don't have pictures of them. I do say that I have kids, right.

Yeah.

I would always throw one, at least one pick of me and my son in case. I don't know.

Yeah.

To me, it's like, especially in the beginning, it's like, you have not earned the right to have that access to my life.

I like that.

For a dating app.

Yeah.

So, like, you know, that's cool. We can talk and we can get to know each other. And if we exchange social media, then, like, I can see your life a little bit. You can see mine. But like, right up front, it's.

Yeah. Like, literally the only stereotype that single dads have that's kind of good, literally, is if you're a single dad going on dating app, you'll get a lot of matches.

That's sadly enough. You get props for sticking around.

Yes.

But that's true.

Yeah.

What I was going to ask you, Maddie, is do you have kind of a. Just kind of play by year? Like, how often do you introduce someone you're dating?

Yeah, bro, that's a. That's a good question. When do you introduce them to your kids?

Well, never.

Yeah, I never. Yeah, so don't. Yeah, well, no, I'm. I'm actually, I'm very protective about my kids meeting people. I have. I've always worried about people meeting my kids and like, this idea of going back to some of the stereotypes of a single dad. It's like Forrest Gump or like the, you know, there's like the men are just revolving through her door. Right. And he's just being around all these various men and same thing, like, I don't want my kids around all these various women. Especially the women that don't. They're not going to be around.

Yeah.

Have I snuck women in when my kids were sleeping? There's specific doors and windows of my house and asked them to leave out of said doors and windows to avoid detection? Yes, yes, I have. Yes, I have. And I don't apologize for it at all. I'm going to hell. But I. In terms of meeting my kids like you, you've earned that right. Yeah. You know, that's. And it's the same thing, you know, if I've ever dated women that have kids. And I'll be honest, you know, we all have what, you know, what works for us. And I know that a Brady Bunch type scenario for me, like dating women that have children, it tends to be almost a non starter for me because I have two kids and if somebody has two or three kids, it's like, I don't want to be the father to 17 children. Like, I am not Abraham. Right. I don't want that.

I was gonna ask you about that.

But I'm not judging it. I just know for me in my life, it's just very challenging right now. Maybe in a few years time that'll be different, but it's really challenging for me to. I have very limited time as is. And so the idea of sharing, you know, splitting even that less a time with another person and their challenges, it doesn't work. But if I have ever dated somebody and they introduce me to their children really fast, it's like a major red flag.

Super red flag.

Super red flag.

We discussed that on one episode. Because that's.

Yeah.

Happened to me and I, I'm. I'd bail.

It's like they're trying to like lock you in and I don't know, it's just. And first of all, do you do that with all of them?

With what?

Like, no. Like, that's what goes through my mind. Like, do you do that with all the dudes?

I never asked that question on any front because, like, don't ever ask questions you don't want the answer to.

That's very true. That's very true.

I would immediately start planning my escape. Escape route at that point.

Yeah. You know, talking to their kids is one different. But like. And that's. I think that's healthy. Right. If they're not talking about their kids. But like, and this sounds bad, right. But like, I don't want to hear like, I want to know like, okay, you have kids and I have kids.

Cool.

But like on the first couple dates, like, I'm here to get to know you. Right. Right. And like, I know you have kids, but that's not who you are. It's a part of who you are. But that's like, you know, I, I like to travel and. But all you do is talk about travel. It's like, I. What else is there? But for me, I'm. I would say that if you were to like pick a. Everyone's different. But you need to. And I joke about this on, on my show, on my podcast is that there's the, the 90 day trial warranty or trial period.

Yeah.

And like everyone can be a certain way for like 90 days. Yep. Like, very true. And. And after the 90 days, people change.

Or.

Or not. Maybe not are who. Maybe they are being authentic. Right?

Yeah.

But I always say that you want to make sure someone acts right. Acts right. What I mean by that is that they're attentive, they're consistent and they give you time.

Yeah.

Right.

I like that.

I like that. That's really cool.

And if that, if people act right.

Yeah.

Hashtag™t shirts coming soon after 90 days, then they've earned the right to be introduced to my kids. But here's the other thing, is that even my kids don't like you want.

Yep.

Like you're out. Like you're out.

Like, and that's not my fault.

It's not. But it's not. Well, it's not even that. It's just like if it's, you know, I think it's on the dad to slowly talk to their children about hey, I'm dating and yeah. Situation. And you're going to meet somebody multi step.

Ease into it.

Yeah. Like you can't just be like, boom, here's. Here's Sally.

Yeah.

But I would say three months minimum. Minimum.

When even then three months. And you knowing in your mind the potential for an actual relationship.

Right. Yeah. Like there's no chance.

Yeah.

But you mentioned about a connection on date one. Right. So would that tell a different story?

No, I don't think it would. Did it not in that case. I think it was probably, probably eight or nine weeks after that. Because I have a bunch of rules. I joke about this on my podcast as well, but I have a lot of rules that I personally Follow. And one of them is, I'm not going to officially date you until we go on a weekend trip together. And so you're not going to meet my kids until after that weekend trip. For sure. And usually that trip occurs probably like two or three months in anyway.

Yeah.

Because you never like on a third date, you're like, hey, you know what we should do? We should go on a weekend getaway. Usually people who do that are like rich dudes in Dallas who are just looking to get some.

Right.

Pleasure town.

Right. The whole travel.

Yeah. So like, I just have a lot of these steps. Right. Because it's like I don't want like my kids have met four women in their life and that I have dated or been married to and they remember their names and know them and even every occasionally will ask about them. So it's like because of that, I have to be even more careful about who's introduced. Right.

For sure. And as they get older, things change constantly. Your 5 year old won't remember, you know, that much.

Right, right.

But your 12 year old, everything.

Right. And then going back, kind of joking. But like when I was dating and my, my 12 year old was much younger, like 6 or 7, you know, that's when like some of the fun, like sneak in. This is cool, you know, but now that I have a 12 year old, I mean, she's like high alert, you know, like, she is on the ball about everything. And so there's just no way that I can do that anymore. A, because A, it's not appropriate, but, but two, it's like again, I, I have to sit and explain to my daughter these things. And as a dad, when I'm. When she's 17, 18 and she's sneaking in boys and just four, five, six, seven years earlier, I was doing the same thing. Like, who am I to be like, don't do that. Yeah, right.

Yeah, that's.

So that's, that's where you have to be like a lot of validity calling the kettle.

Then that thought of your daughter getting to that point.

Yeah, we're not gonna get there. We're not gonna go into that subject.

That's a whole, that's like a whole season for y'.

All.

I do not want to go into that subject.

Both of you guys. Yeah.

You have a little boy or not a little. You had a preteen boy.

Yeah. It's funny, just a couple days ago, my daughter and I were talking about when she's 21, what she, what does she want to do for 21st. And she's like, I want to go to Vegas. And I was like, oh, cool. And she's like, would you come to Vegas with me, dad? That's what she asked. She's like, would you come?

That's pretty cool.

Rare.

And I, I was like, I'm cool with it. If you just know that like all of your 21 year old friends are going to be. Your dad is so hot. And she's like, oh, I don't want you to come now, dad.

So if you can handle that, sweetie. Yeah, I will come on that trip.

Yeah, dude.

That's so cool though that she asked you to go on her twin. Like, yeah, for her.

Well, I'm pretty, I'm pretty. I'm super liberal though, about like, I want, like, you know, off topic, but I want my daughter to come to me when she's starting to have those desires and thoughts and passions. Right. I think it's totally normal from like a child to express their sexuality to their parents. And I think that for a long time, a lot of us growing up, we were either religious or other pushed to say that sex is bad, sex is gross, sex is this, sex is that. And they're, it's, they're being told at home that one of the most beautiful things that humanity has is a terrible thing. And they're out in school and in the world, and the world in school has their own interpretation. And so you're kind of in this place of being pulled back and forth when you should be able to come home and be like, I have these feelings and desires.

Yeah.

What do I do with it? And as a parent, be able to have this conversation. Right. And usually moms are kind of given the task to, to deal with that, especially for a daughter.

Right.

But I feel like as a, as a dad, it's your responsibility and even more so to have that conversation because, you know, and I, I joke about this. There's a lot of women that have daddy issues and it's kind of a, it's a, it's a joke, right? It is a joke, but it's very true, sadly. And there's a lot of men that.

Have daddy issues, let's be honest about.

No, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Mommy issues, daddy issues. We all, you know, we all have parental trauma. Yes. And I'm sure that my kids will have parental trauma of some kind, but at the end of the day, I want my daughter to be like, you're gonna take me to Vegas? My dad does that. Like, yeah, you want to take me on A trip somewhere. Like, yeah, like, you need to do better. Because my dad has shown me, like, this is what a man should be doing and treating for me. So if you can do that, then cool. That's a good setup.

That's a good way to set them up, man, because you're setting them up for success, man.

Exactly.

Like you want. You want the dude that comes to be standing on your shoulders, essentially, you. I mean, not below you.

Right.

You want them to be, like, above and beyond, which is phenomenal, bro. So I want to ask this. When you started dating, what made you want to start?

Or sex? Next question.

I mean, bro. Yeah, I guess that's really honest, bro. Yeah, I mean.

I mean, I'll be honest.

Yeah.

Not that I haven't been. If it wasn't for my desire for sex, yeah. I'd stay single forever because it's cheaper, it's less dramatic. It's like, I can just do whatever I want.

Yeah.

Like, I'm single right now, and I just booked a trip to Iceland in August. Yeah. And I'm going to be like Walter Mitty, like, for real. I can do whatever I want when I want. When I don't have my kids, and then I'm like, you know, I wake.

Up, by the way.

I have them the first, third and fifth weekends, and then I have them most of the summer.

Do you have, like, extended.

Extended standard. Yeah, that's what I have for those listening. That's the Texas Regal jargon.

But what about, like, the companionship that comes with, like, being.

Love is dead.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I kind of agree with you as far as, like, okay, if. If the raging fire in me for.

Sex, get it wasn't there.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, raging fire. You may want to get that checked out.

I don't know, like, what, What. What would he want to. But the only thing that I can also think about that I personally, myself genuinely desire is that companionship where I can come home and I have a great relationship with and. And I, like, leave it all on the table with him. But I also want someone that I can, like, be there with and that will go through fights with me and that will, like, go through struggle and victories, you know what I'm saying? Like, and maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic because I'm Latino, but, like, what about that, bro? Besides just the sex, what about. Is that not enough to, like, want to get out there?

Yeah. Well, I think there's three things, right? I think there's There's. I know that's a tough sex. There's sex, there's companionship, and there's intimacy.

Yeah.

Right. And I always say, we're going to get dirty, listeners. So there's three kinds of. There's three kinds of sex. Right. If you think about. There's three kinds of sex. There's. There's sex which is just like, we want to pound.

We just.

Well, like, hey, what up? Like, hey, this is fun. Pnv. And then there's. There's making love.

Yes.

Which is intimacy.

Yeah.

Right.

Like, way better because you actually care about.

Right. There's. There's more. And then there's. There's doing the dirty.

Yeah.

There's, like, kinky, like, more like, we're effing. Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know. Do our. Are we. Are we beeping? I don't know if we're beeping this out or not, but. And I think in the same thing with, like, relationships, right, There's. There's just, like, friendship, like, hey, what's up? Like, you're fun to talk to or whatever. There's companionship, which is. There's somebody that you can. You can rely on. But then there's intimacy. And really, I think that's the question is, do you. Are you craving intimacy? And some people. Some men can get intimacy from a relationship with God. Right.

Or.

Yeah.

Or other avenues. So they don't need a woman.

Yeah.

Right. Or a relationship to find intimacy. Right. And I think that's really where a true relationship is. When you don't need one is when you can have one.

Yeah.

That's what I've always said, is the moment you don't need you.

But I.

Right.

Want to have.

That's.

That's the state of mind you.

Yeah.

Should be in, I think.

Yeah. Well, I mean, I just went into a relationship and I've. I was at that place.

Yeah.

And I've told her multiple times, I'm like, I just. I think this works because I don't need you, but I want to have this kind of thing.

I wouldn't tell her that.

I mean, I have.

I don't need you.

Been very honest with women. Like, you say, you need me, we've got a problem.

Well, it's nice to be. I mean, like, let's be honest, right? It's nice to be told that you're wanted.

But, like, when chicks are like, I need you and they're serious, red flag, man. I've bolted on.

Of course you need me. I have A.

Tell me something I don't know.

No, I mean, like, kidding aside. Like, I think that's the same on. I mean, codependency in a relationship. I think our society has taught us codependency is natural. Like the notebook vibes. Like, I wrote you every day. I need you. And that's not. That's not healthy. Right. And I always say to somebody that, you know, they're like, what are you looking for? And I'm like, I. That's a great question. And I've actually had to think about that, right? Like, what am I looking for? And so my answer is that I'm casually looking for something long term. That's true. Because I am. I'm not like, oh, I've got other things.

What's your elevator? Elevator pitch? Current day?

Yeah, I mean, I. I am. I'm casually looking for something serious. Right. I. I have a good life. I don't need somebody to make my life better. I want somebody to enhance my life. And if you can. If I can make your life better and you can make my life better, then this is a thing that we should pursue. But if it's not, then what are we doing here? And sometimes it's like we're just having fun. Okay, yeah, let's have fun. But that's it. Like, it is what it is for sure. As sir Drake said, you know what it was when you signed up, right?

Wisdom from Drake.

Yep.

Yeah. Dang, dude. That's what's up. So that's how you start dating then?

Well, I mean, you know, dating and going out and having fun is two different things. Yeah. If you're really looking for a relationship and you're being intentional about dating, like, you've come to a place where you're like, look, I'm at a place where I want to have a partner, and this is what I'm looking for, then being honest about that in relationships, when you're dating is. Is what you need to do. But, like, there's a lot of games out there, especially in Dallas.

Oh, God.

Where a lot of women will say that, look, I'm looking for something serious. And look, you're one of 17. She's talked to that night. And I even have joked with women before where I'm like, look, I don't have to be your only one. I just have to be your favorite one. And that's dating. I mean, really, at the end of the day, that's dating in 20 is. I'm not the only one, but I'm the Favorite one.

Yeah.

And maybe they'll post me on Instagram. I don't know. Right.

Yeah, it's.

I mean, but how quick do you get into the. I mean, let me ask you first. Do you want to have more children?

No.

Okay.

So I want to practice making it, though.

Absolutely. So what if you were to date, like, somebody in their early 30s? I mean, that's obviously. And they don't have children yet from anything.

Yeah, I'm out. If they want kids, I'm out.

So how quickly does that discussion come up? Just curious.

Depends on the.

How hard she is.

Depends on the. I can either confirm nor deny that. No. I mean, I'm not here to use anybody. And so if somebody's like, I want kids. And this. And this just recently happened where I was talking to somebody and they. They were older and they didn't have kids. And at the beginning, when I started talking to them, they were not interested in having kids. And then there was a conversation where they found out that they were still able to have children, and they had this kind of epiphany that they wanted children. And that's where I was like, well, that's not really my. That's not my vibe. And so, sadly, it was a situation where we had to shake hands and say, hey, this is what you want. And, you know, that's not what I want. And that's. I think that's healthy. I think that's okay.

I think the sooner that happens, the better, because as we were talking about earlier, you know, time is precious.

Yeah. And.

You waste a year of your life on somebody because you, you know, somebody changes their mind about something so serious.

Yeah. You don't want to. You definitely don't want to be in a relationship where it's one thing and then it turns into something else.

Yeah, that's true, dude. So what about Segwaying now into, like, the healing aspect things?

Yeah.

So quickly.

Yeah. So, you know, as I said, for me, a lot of the healing was working out. I would take a lot of walks, you know, just de stressing I needed to change my environment to de stress. And one of the other ones that I did as a coping mechanism is I would take my. My phone out and kind of wherever I was at. I was, you know, in the car, and, you know, I usually go into the restroom and kind of sit down because it was like, the quiet place when my kids were around or whatever is. I would just. I would just kind of record record myself talking about the situation. And I think in a Lot of ways, what was valuable about that is it was just a release. Like I was talking to my. And as I was talking, I was envisioning talking to my future self, my healed self, my. My stronger self that would be looking at me behind the camera saying, you've got this.

And.

But I was just being very raw and emotional and I filmed it, recorded it, and it's still there. And you know, at some point, maybe I look at it, maybe I don't, but it was just kind of this way for me to just dump it. Right. And I think, sadly, we do this to a lot of our closest friends or even women that we're dating is we just dump everything. And it may not be appropriate. Right. Sometimes, like, we need to just. We need to self regulate. And that was a technique that I used that I found beneficial because after I was done, it was just like this release of, like I had just emitted out all of this just toxic, just depressive sadness. And I was able to just kind of wipe. Wipe my eyes and shrug my shoulders and just keep moving.

Yeah. Yeah. Because sometimes it's. It's just about literally getting it out.

That's. It is. And I never throw up on any of my friends. Everybody has their own problems and I get that. And if there's an issue and it's solicited, my friend says, hey, what's going on? We'll have a conversation, but I'll never really get it out. But Frank told me about you doing that, and I've actually done it twice. I haven't gone back and watched Slash Listened, but it felt really good. It is.

You know, it's really. What I think was really cool about it is. And I'm sure there's some psychological term for it, right? This isn't something that I've just created. But as men, right, we are trained to be stoic. We're trained to kind of keep our emotions in and deal with it. And, you know, you can give it to God. I hear this all the time. And I'm not. I'm not knocking Christianity, religion by any stretch, but like, what. What does that even mean, give it to God, right? And you know, people say, like, prayer and it. I mean, meditation, there's all kinds of ways. And I think that it's just finding a way for you to give it away. Like just. This isn't mine anymore. Yeah. And that. That was mine. It was just like digitally. I was like, I don't want this on my heart anymore. I don't want this on my mind anymore. I'm done with it. So. So here it is. And so it's kind of, you know, into the ethers of technology and a recording somewhere, and it just. It's nice. It's like a confessional booth. I mean, I'm not a Catholic, but the idea of going in and having kind of this digital priest, where you're just like, here it is. And then you're. And you're done with it. You move on.

That's why I love that thing, that. That idea, that technique is because for me, that's what prayer is. You mean, like, I tell a lot of people, like, man, you don't have to pray a certain way. If you would pray the way that you talk into that phone, you know what I'm saying? And you just spill all that stuff out, you will leave that prayer closet feeling like a million bucks, too. But if you go in there being fake, putting on a Persona, trying to be, again, strong in those moments, I'm like, you're not gonna heal. You're not gonna really get anywhere, bro. You're gonna start hating, really, all this stuff. Which is why I really like that technique, because I was like, dang, dude. I'm like, that's literally, like. That's literally prayer, which is awesome, man. Yeah. So when you started walking through healing, you're still not dating yet, right?

Yeah, I don't have a serious relationship. I have. I have been dating. I've been going on dates, and I've gotten in a few occasions, kind of close. I think because of my own wounds and my own trauma. I've, like, run away. I think I'm getting to a place now where I'm feeling more comfortable with the idea, but I definitely still am, like, white knuckling. Because I have been so traumatized.

Yeah.

By serious relationships.

So what would you say to a dude that's been traumatized by their either marriage or baby mama? You know, I'm saying that may be listening right now, and they're trying to get into the dating game, and it's probably just because they're seeking companionship, seeking intimacy, or seeking sex, but they haven't dealt with any of the healing yet. What would you say to that guy?

Yeah, I would say, I mean, you've got to focus on the healing. Right. I get it. We're men. We have desires and needs. You know? And I think when I think of, you know, taking it from, like, a religious slant, you know, a lot of people say, like, don't. Don't have sex outside of Marriage, because it's a sin and all of that. And. And I would. I would want to look at it from a different angle of. In the Old Testament, God talked about don't eat. You know, don't eat. Yeah. Levitical law. Don't do this, don't do that. Right. And a lot of people took that as like, if I do it, I'm sinning against God.

Really.

If you look at a lot of Levitical law, it was to, like, make sure you didn't, like, die. Right. We all know pork is. Is. It's a very unclean meat.

And you could then.

Right. You could get some kind of pandemic disease, so.

COVID 19.

I think in a lot of ways, having sex outside of marriage is dangerous. Not just because of STDs and other things, but, like, emotional STDs. Yeah. Can just really good wreck your soul. Because I heard that before, you can get. I mean, the way I look at sex.

And you push that. And you push that onto other people too, bro.

Yeah, exactly.

Your.

Your trauma. And here's. Here's what I think about sex. Sex is like a band aid. And the idea of the first time, or a sticker the first time you apply that, there's an adhesiveness, there's a stickiness to it that it holds. And there's the idea of holding a relationship together. Not to say that sex holds a relationship together, but it's one of the ideas of a foundation of it. But the more you take that sticker, Take a sticker and then take it off, and then put the band aid back on. Right. It sticks, but not as much as it did. And so eventually doing it on and off, on and off, on and off. There's nothing left. And so what happens that when you finally meet that person that's like, I want this with this person. I want this companionship. And then you put that sticker on, it just falls off.

Right.

Yeah.

Because there's just no. There's no stickiness to it anymore because it doesn't have any meaning anymore. Yeah. And that's because you haven't worked on yourself. And you just used physical.

Yeah.

As a way to heal yourself. In reality, you've just hurt yourself even longer.

You think you're healing yourself, but, yeah.

Reality, you're just high. Like, again, it goes back to the idea of just. It is the emotional cocaine of like, I'm high on life right now. Sex is grand.

Yeah.

And then, I mean, post nut clarity. I mean. Yeah, seriously. I mean, there's a Lot of jokes.

About the demons out of you.

The moment. Yeah, the moment. You're not lusty anymore.

Yeah.

You're like, you're like, I am a terrible person.

Yep.

It's true.

For real.

There's that. What it's like post nut. What is it like? Not rejection, doubt, or remorse. Like everything. Whereas as soon as. Yeah, I mean, it's.

There was a point in my life where, like, I, I, I made a conscious decision that I wasn't going to lie or be dishonest with anyone moving forward in my life. Because if you tell one lie to one person that you can't do it. You can't tell one lie because it has to turn into a web of lies because it's going to be. Has to be covered up, so on and so forth. I think that's kind of common sense for most people, but lying just.

Always.

Put you in a bad situation. And you can never have a relationship with a friend, with business, with anything when there's dishonesty.

Yeah.

So I wasn't like some compulsive liar, but, you know, I said some things and did some things that, you know, were selfish to get me what I wanted and so on and so forth. But yeah, but I made that decision and ever since, I've stuck to it and literally I've. I haven't lied to anybody. Have. And it's a cool, best feeling in the world. You have to look over your shoulder for anything and, you know, it's just, Yeah, a good feeling, man.

And I think that's the, that's the kind of conscious decision that we need to make with, like, these areas of, like, healing. And I loved what you said specifically about the sex thing. You were like, bro, it's like an emotional std. Sex before marriage. Like, let's look at it that way. It's so true. Because you get hurt and you thought, like, this person now supposedly was healing you because you were, like, having sex with them, but now not working, so you go to somebody else and then that's not work. And now you just literally have bled all over and thrown up all your crap over all these different people. You're just leaving wound after wound after wound after wound. And I mean, I can't say that I'm not guilty of that. You know what I'm saying? But I think that we can all get to a point where we say, bro, like, I'm done with that and I'm gonna work on myself. Like, I honestly do think the healing aspect needs to be more focused on for single dads and those groups that we're on on Facebook, bro, it's so funny, man. Some of these people, like, I mean, God bless them, but they're just idiots.

Like this former men, right? So, yeah, like, I'm just like, bro.

What are y' all talking about on some of these things, you know, or some of the responses.

Age group scenario. I mean, you got.

Well, but it goes back to, like, the idea of, like, the hoe phase, right? Like, we all hear about. I mean, look, I. Let's just go into the technique here for a second. There is nothing more fun than going to Frisco, you know, or Plano or the burbs. And you just. You can spot a recent divorcee, and it is. It is like going to Golden Corral after you haven't eaten for a few weeks because you just know. Delicioso, right? But it is what it is. It's just. It's kind of. It's empty, right? So, I mean, men and women go through this, you know, I've been with somebody for this long, and I gotta get out there and experience new things and blah, blah, blah. And, you know, a really terrible person like me is ready to make sure that you understand the flavors, you know? So just call me Baskin Robbins. 31. 31 flavors to offer. But in the long term, joking aside, it's empty.

It's empty.

And you just kind of wake up and you're just like, what am I doing?

I remember you told me when I was young, you were like, hey, you know, a vagina and another vagina are both vaginas. And you're like, they're the same thing. I. I literally remember you telling me that when I was, like, so young. And it's so true. Like, with this, like, when people are like, oh, I gotta experience different things, it's like, yeah, there is different, but, like, at the end, it's all the same. I mean, like, there is only so many positions, like, out there, you know, I'm saying.

Yeah.

And at the end of the day, it's like, once you're healed, I feel like you can get to a healthy place where you're like, man, like, okay, I choosing to do this, and then I'm choosing not to. And you have that control. But when you're not healthy, you don't have control over that whole phase, man. I know some people, some dudes that are not like, you think you do.

You think you do.

Yeah, exactly.

But you don't.

You don't.

No. And it's like wrecking you on the inside. Next thing you know, you start doing drugs. Because now that's.

Wow.

Doing it. You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm just saying, I know some people that's.

I've never had a hoe phase go straight to heroin.

But.

Yeah, no, I love that. I love what you said, man. Just focusing on, like, the health above everything else, man. Like, I think that's what this podcast is all about, and hopefully it encourages people to do that.

I mean, it really, you know, if you're. If you're a single person, you've had a relationship and you're single and you don't have kids, then, you know, it's a different situation. It's a different timeline, I think. But if you're a dad.

Yeah.

And you have children and you're actually healthy and you want your children to have a good life, really, at the end of the day, you have to think about you dating. How is that beneficial to the kids? Right. I mean, that's the one challenge.

Right.

Is that you can't. When you have kids, there's a level of selfishness that you can no longer have. You can have it if you'd like and fall into the stereotypes we talked about earlier, but how is that going to benefit them?

Yeah, exactly. How'd you do it? Because I've been running into this issue, like, with Haley, that I'm the girl that I'm dating. It's like, when I don't have my little girl, she has her little girl.

You know, this is why I don't date. And so your point exactly.

That's a whole bunch thing is why.

I don't date someone with a kid because it's like you. Somebody always has a kid. Right. And I'm not saying it's wrong. I'm just saying it's not something because I want. Yes.

It's preference.

It's probably one of the hardest things because to your point, like, there's never alone time.

Yeah.

It's, you know, they have kids or you have kids.

Yeah.

And so the scheduling. Unless you're on the same schedule where you have kids at the same time or you don't have kids at the same time.

Yeah, It's.

It's super hard.

Which, like, never happens though.

Right.

Because it's always got dad's weekend, mom's weekend. That's all very, like.

Yeah. So you have to know, like, what you're signing up for. Like, are you cool with, like, our alone time is gonna have to be like practically planned. Well, after hours are very, like very scheduled and you have babysitters and things like that.

Right?

That's. Yeah, that's hard.

Yeah. Because one parent's gonna have to some of that time.

It's also something though, you know, that you want to have a conversation about it up front and make sure that you're willing to like, deal with that. Because, you know, a lot of times when you're going through that initial honeymoon, like, I'm really attracted to you. I think I really like you. So let's give this a try. But prior to doing that, I think it's best that you have that conversation.

Oh yeah, absolutely.

As to like, you know, this is my schedule, this is your schedule. This is what I do for a living, this is what you do, so on and so forth. And yeah, you have that conversation and decide, is it going to be worth the struggles and the sacrifices?

Yeah, yeah, that's true. That's why, I mean, the girl that I'm seeing, it's kind of cool because she was like, she's kind of cool just kind of pursuing me for like.

You are not doing yourself any favors. She's listening to this. You are.

But like we, we chatted for like two years. Getting to know each other and.

Getting to know each other for two years.

Yeah.

Shut up. Are you serious? Yeah.

So it was like, it was like slow roll.

It was like good time. Yeah.

Are you guys still high, like side hugging or.

No.

God.

Ass out.

Yeah.

Leave room for Jesus.

No, but it was like, it was, it was.

After four years of dating, I finally decided to kiss her on the cheek. Oh my. Things are good.

Not even.

Things are getting sexy, but.

But we kind of had that. The consistency of like either she has the little girl or I have my little girl. And so I don't know, it's. It's weird because you, you really do have to try and get creative on like man spending some alone time.

Bathrooms, you gotta. IPads, you gotta get to know each other.

Literally.

Like.

And sometimes when you have your kids, man, you can't really get to know each other.

It prolongs the process, doesn't it?

Yeah.

So that's the whole. Slows it down.

You're also risking like that precious time.

Yeah, but it's also cool because if I'm being honest, I. I look for what I look in a woman is like, you know, the maternal instinct as well. You know, I mean, so it. For me it has been cool to see that and being able to like pick up on that and seeing, like, okay, so she balances this really good as she's doing this. Not just like, oh, it's cool when we're. It's just us too. But then as soon as the kids involved, it's like they're a completely different person. They can't handle anything. So I feel like on my end, personally, I think I've really enjoyed seeing that, which has just kind of added to it.

Yep. Been cool. Yep.

Just different. Different perspectives, I could think. Yeah.

I think at your age, it's a lot different too. Then obviously we're older and I'm older than him.

Yeah. I mean, every decade, right. The 20s, the 30s, the 40s, like every decades, dating has its own unique. I know. You know, I'm in my late 30s now, and I know that what I'm experiencing. And I'm in man prime. Right. I've been told man prime is 35, 45.

Yep.

That's man prime.

Yep.

I'm right in the middle of man prime. And so it's like, all right, this is great, you know, but when I'm in my. If I'm still single by myself after man prime, like, it's over.

When I was your age. When I was your age, I think that's. I'll shut up.

Man Prime.

Yeah, man. Honestly, I think that's a good place to wrap up. Unless you got something else. Scott.

I've had a blast, man.

Yeah, thanks.

I do want to let everyone know what your podcast is.

Yeah.

Plug away.

Yeah. Dallas Dating Diaries. The.

Is it the Dallas date?

No, just. Just dating.

Dallas dating.

Dallas Dating Diaries. Yeah. So we, my friend and I, Ashmo. We decided a few, like, last year. Yeah. Female. So she and I have been friends for a lot of years, and we've always been friends. There's never any attraction outside of friendship. And we used to just have these funny text messaging and group chats where we're talking about all these crazy dates that we were having, and we just decided one day, well, why don't we just. Why don't we talk about it on a podcast? And it's been fun. I mean, just recently, somebody that I'd been on a date with that I referenced in the show, I never use names. Right. I always give aliases and things like that to protect the identity of individuals. But this individual's best friend, I guess, found out that I talked about her on the podcast because she listened to the podcast and then she put two and two together and realized. So she was just like, dming me, like, so much hate and anger, and I'm just like. You're just. I'm gonna block you. Thanks for listening, though. Thanks for the block.

Make sure you like and subscribe.

Yeah, but.

Yeah, I mean, it's every single girl that you have dated that knows you have this podcast. Every one of.

Yeah. And, you know, I'm not. I don't talk bad about, you know, I talk about, like, my worst dates. I talk about situations that are really bad, but I just want to know.

If they're going to be a star of the show or.

Yeah, but I don't. I'm not. I have more than enough content. A lot of the content I talk about is, like, years in the making. Right. And, like, I have my own positions on, like, my, you know, my daughter's mom and, you know, other people, and it's like, I'm not really on this type of forum to degrade or make people feel bad. It's really just more of a comedic interpretation of, like, how I was going through situations. Yeah. If somebody gets offended by that because, you know, they're sensitive, then, you know, my apologies, but that's not really where I'm 20, 21.

They're all gonna get it's.

And it's entertainment. Right. I'm not here to be crude or gross or, you know, rude. It's just. It's comedy to some extent, and entertainment. And if you don't like it, you don't have to listen to it. Right.

Yeah.

That's great about it.

It's really well done. Tastefully done, I believe. And I. I've enjoyed. I haven't. I haven't listened to everyone, but the ones I have, I've really enjoyed, but.

Well, thank you.

Do you want to let everyone know where they can catch you on Instagram.

Instagram. We're on Spotify, iTunes, OnlyFans, MySpace, Zanga, hi Fi. Yeah, my. My feet picks on OnlyFans are just fire, Fire. So don't let your women see him.

Well, man, thank you sincerely for being our first guest. 1.

I'm always glad to be someone's first, so thank you.

We've had a blast, man.

Yeah. Is there like a jingle or something? Do we all, like, sing at the end of the show?

That's about it, man. We'll just kind of log it off.

All right.

We just wrap it up and then we start our next double, double wrap.

Single Dad's podcast. It.