Dealing with loneliness as a single dad.

What's up, Frank? It is a beautiful day here in Dallas, Texas. And how are you feeling today, man?

Feeling really good, man. Really good. The weather's turning up finally. It's not as hot as it used to be.

At least the humidity is going away. Yeah, yeah. Enough about weather. I know nobody cares about that, but, you know, today I wanted to touch on something that I know is going on.

Yeah.

That we both talked about and we've both seen in the Facebook groups that were a part of. For single dads. There's a few of them, and one thing that's like a common denominator consistent across all of them, and quite a. Quite a bit of it is people, like, almost in a. In a desperate. In some cases, kind of a desperate manner.

Oh, yeah.

Like, just wanting people to hop on a Zoom call, hey, is there anybody available to talk or. Which tells me there's a lot of people out there that are in need of some kind of support group. And so, because we came to that realization, what did we decide to do?

Start a support group. Yeah, well. And not only from what we've seen on Facebook groups on Brother, but honestly, like, I've experienced it before. You know what I mean?

Well, yeah, absolutely.

And we still experience it from times. Time to time. Like, it's nothing that ever goes away because we were literally created for community.

Right.

Like, as a species, we're built to be around people, talk to people, interact, which is why Covet's been so trippy, man. Just trying to get back to normal life after Covid, like, hangouts and stuff like that. It's almost like it's completely changed. But. But, yeah, man, I'm excited. If you guys follow us on Instagram, you know that we launched, or we're launching the support group right now. We're trying to add as many men as possible to it. And so if you're interested, think of it kind of like. Like Patreon. There's so many creators out there right now that have Patreons to support what it is that they're doing. But we don't just want to support. We. We don't want just your support on what we're doing, but we want to support you as well. And so we felt that instead of doing a Patreon where it's like, oh, hey, extra content, things of that nature, it's like, what if we made it human? What if we made it to where we can actually chat with you men and you men chat with each other, get on some Zoom calls and just Talk, work through issues, mindset, struggles that all of us face. Right. Because just because me and Scott host this podcast does not mean that we are immune to those things.

Absolutely not.

And not even a little bit.

And, and that's exactly why we identified, you know, all of this happening and, and, and such a need for.

Yeah.

A support group. And our goal is to get as many men out there that are interested and help us grow. And, you know, was what we're doing is basically saying, hey, come on, the first month, we're not asking for anything from that. After a month, if, if, if it's cool and you like it and you want to stick around, is what we're doing is asking for, you know, a 10. 10 bucks a month. Very reasonable. It's a six pack of beer. And, you know, it's going to help us grow the community and we want to essentially, you know, within, hopefully, hopefully quick and like, you know, within six months, if we can get enough people, you know, to. To throw out a six pack or ten bucks donation a month, then we can build an app where then everyone can go and there's different communities that will build out and you can essentially, you know, message and kind of grab, you know, create a, a room anytime you want. And, you know, that's would be awesome because that, you know, it's like, yeah, there, there's, you know, right now we're gonna have, you know, times where we're gonna have, you know, hey, we're gonna have a, a group meeting and we're gonna, you know, talk about this or that. But ultimately, if we have an app which, you know, cost a few thousand dollars, which, you know, we're gonna, you guys to pay for all of it just to help us out a little bit so we can ultimately help more people. Yeah. And yeah, you know, that's, you know, that's our goal. And, but right now, if you have any interest in, you know, being a part of that, would, Would love to. To have you. And we've gotten a lot of really good feedback for some from some really great, great people out there. Shout out to Casey.

Yeah, Casey. Max, man, you're the man. I know you're listening right now. You're incredible, brother. But yeah, man, we really want to do this support group. We want to do it, you know, $10 donation monthly. And the reason for that, obviously, is to help push this podcast forward and be able to get it into the hands of more single dads. But, but more than that, more than that, it's for you. It's for you who you're listening right now. It's. It's for you if you genuinely want to reach out and have that support system around you, which I highly, highly recommend. And I know that there's going to be some men that are a little prideful in that area, and that's okay. That's okay. But my. My thing is, right. Like Scott, you know this. I have a coaching business where I coach, you know, divorced single dads.

Right.

And they make a pretty hefty investment every single month. And their lives are changed because they're. They're humble enough to say, man, I need. I need some guidance here. And like we were talking about earlier, it's just different whenever you have outside eyes in your situation.

Yes. It's different perspective.

Yes.

And that's the whole purpose of a support group.

Yeah.

Of any kind.

And yeah. Not the ones. Not those free ones on Facebook, though, because that's just.

It's. It's got all these rules, and you just got a bunch of people. Some people just throw this, you know, stupid.

Yeah.

You know, gifts and blah, blah, blah and whatever. And it's like there's 30, 000 people on here and there's not shipping done to help people. Yeah. And it kind of pisses me off, for real. You know, with that being said, I want to now segue into some stuff that I hope will help some people with this episode. And I know there's a lot of people out there that, you know that are single dads from divorced, widowed like myself, or divorced like Frank, maybe separated, whatever the case may be. And when you're widowed, when you get divorced, separated, maybe you're lonely and you're insecure in certain areas. Some people may just turn to drugs or alcohol. But we also know there's a lot of people that just kind of shut down in some areas and become lonely, become depressed. And. Yeah. Now that things are opening back up and you can go out to restaurants and. And bars and things like that. I know there's a ton of. Of men that, you know, feel like, ah, man, I don't even know what to wear out. I don't know how to talk to women anymore. So it's like, you know, what do I do? And, you know, those. It's you guys that I want to talk to today and give you some words of encouragement because I've been there. I don't know if you have or not for you. Oh, yeah. But, you know, there's. It. It's. It's tough and there's not a simple answer that says that I can give you. I wish there were. But. First step is you need to want to be better. If you have put on a few pounds or you are, you know, just feeling lonely, you don't, you don't have any single friends or, you know, there's a, you know, just endless scenarios. But if you want to find people that are also in the same situation you are, that's where. That's, that's your first step.

Yeah.

To getting your life into a better spot. And any improvement.

Yeah.

Is. Well, is life changing at this point?

Yeah. And I want to hit on that a little bit because you can find somebody that's going through what you're going through that is toxic as hell. And that's not the people you want to go to.

Correct.

You don't want to go to the people that are just like, man, all women are the same. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That is a person who has not done the job, the work to heal themselves properly. That's not a healthy person. Right. And who you, who you surround yourself with, you will become or you will stay in there. And so I would highly recommend finding some single dad that you're like, man, I love what this man is doing. He's got a good perspective on, on life. He's. He's out in the dating game again. He's confident, he's a great dad. He shows up, he shows up for his job, he's healthy. I, I'm going to grab onto this dude and I want to know what he did, because if you get with people that. And you're just having a pity party with each other, Right. Which is sometimes, hey, you just need to vent, and that's fine. But if venting leads to just staying there and just bashing on other people, then that's not going to do you any good and you're going to find yourself in the exact same place five years from now. I'm telling you, I know people that are divorced. I've met with people with my business that have been divorced, and they are divorced, like six years now. And they're still in the same place still, but they're not doing anything about it. They're going to the gym. That's that, that's what they're doing to heal, which is a great practical step, but it doesn't deal with the roots. Right. And it's kind of like we talked about on a previous episode. You have to find mentors in, in any area that you want to grow in your life. You want to grow as a single dad, Find a badass single dad that you look up to and attach yourself. You want to grow in business, Find a badass business mentor. You want to grow in spirituality, Find a badass spiritual leader. Like whatever it is that you want to grow in. And I know that sounds like a lot of work, but I think our kids are worth it. I think our legacy is worth it.

And to be honest, you just made a great point. It's not just about you.

Yeah.

It's about your kids.

Yes.

It's about your son. It's about your daughter. It's about your twins. It's about your four kids. It's not just about you. But it starts with you.

Yes.

And your children are witnessing, whether you realize it or not, they're witnessing you being depressed and, and that has a negative effect on them. So you know, be. If nothing else, if you get nothing else from this episode, know that you're. The way you carry yourself, the way you treat your ex or the mother, if she's still around of, of your children or, or whoever you co parent with. If you do, your kids see that and they will, whether you realize it or not, they.

They'Re going to model it.

They will model it.

And let me take it a step further. Not just the way you treat other people, the way you treat yourself.

Exactly.

They see the way that you treat yourself.

And that's what I really want to focus on right now because there's, I know there's so many people out there that are, are self loathing and, you know, are turning to drugs and, or alcohol because it's, it's the easy thing.

Or being promiscuous.

Or being promiscuous. What, Whatever. But either way it's, it's, it's self destructing. Yes. And you know, when, when, when you, when you sober up or you get finished, you know, with, you know, a lady doing the deal, whatever the problem, the problems don't go away. No. And you know, it, it may be a very, very temporary fix. And, and you're just having a slew of temporary fixes which are weak ass band aids. Yeah. And make you a weak ass person.

And that's not you.

It takes a strong minded individual to say, you know what? I'm better than this and I'm going to be better than this. Not for myself, but for my kids.

Yes.

And then for yourself and you need to take the steps and we are here. If you're, you know, in A divorce situation. You know, DM Frank, he helps a lot of divorced dads out there. And if you're, you know, widowed, hit me up. I will gladly help. I've helped quite a few people in that area. And as well as divorced dads, it really doesn't matter because it's. At the end of the day, I. We both are passionate about helping people recover from whatever it is that's got you in the situation where you're not being a good parent, a good role model. And there's. I was just talking yesterday with. With a therapist. Go ahead and tell people. I go to a therapist.

That's the most healthy thing you could ever do.

And it is, and it's helped me great. Greatly. But, you know, I was. I was talking to. To her and I was saying, you know, one of. One of the biggest things I instill in my son is. Is telling him stories of things that I did when I was his age. But not just the thing, you know, I did. I. I was a. Well, I did some things I shouldn't have done. That literally, I should not be here sitting. Not be sitting here. Should be dead or in prison. And for some reasons, but nevertheless, I tell him stories just so he. And about other people.

Yeah.

And whether I see it on the news, I'll bring articles in, whatever. But I'll show him both good and bad, positive and negative, because I want him to know that one bad decision. This is what we were talking about yesterday. Like, one single decision.

Yeah.

You know, your kid can make. Can ruin their. Or change the trajectory or the. Or the path in their lives for. For the good or bad.

Yeah.

And by telling positive stories, it allows them to realize, hey, I could be doing that too. Which is where my. I've gotten my son to look because I was concerned. And if you've listened to some previous episodes, you know what I'm talking about. But.

Yeah.

Not to get off track, so. But, you know, telling stories about, you know, you know, just. Man, I know this guy, he made one decision just like that. Boom.

Yeah.

He's. He landed himself in jail for 10 years.

Yeah.

Just because he was encouraged by, you know, peers and made one stupid decision. Yeah. You know, so. So, you know, make sure you're doing the things like that and I guess opening their eyes to things that they need to. To know, not just, you know, feeling sorry for yourself and letting them see that.

Yeah.

And those are the things that I really wanted to cover today. And I really hope that whatever you're feeling out there, if You're a dad or a parent even, that is in a situation where you're just. You're struggling.

Yeah.

And reach out. Reach out to Frank or myself or.

Both of us or somebody else. Doesn't even have to be us. Reach out to somebody.

We're definitely here, but. And we're building a support group for these reasons, but it doesn't have to be us. I don't care who it is, as long as it's somebody that will be positive in your life.

Yeah.

Find somebody. And if you can't find somebody, then lean on us.

And somebody that challenges you, too. What you were hitting on, I kind of want to go back to the loneliness thing. What you were hitting on is that one bad decision. Put that person in prison for 10 years. Well, decisions that we make every day will create a mental prison, an emotional prison for us that's. Or decisions that we do not make, which is a decision in its. In itself. And so if right now you're just feeling like, man, the wear and tear of life, like, I want you to know, like, man, I feel you. I feel you. Trust me, it. I'm not going to say it gets easier because your reward for beating one battle is another battle, period. But you get. You get better at fighting, right? It's like whenever I used to. Used to train Muay Thai in Jiu Jitsu, it's like, yeah, you get clocked every now and then, maybe get knocked out, choked out, tapped out, but you get better. And the next round you do a lot, lot better. And the next match, you do a lot better. And you just keep growing as a fighter. You get more and more tools underneath your belt, more and more weapons that you're able to utilize. But you have to make that decision. And I know that loneliness is, man, that thing is. Is a hell of a demon to beat and a hell of a fight to fight. And so I want to give you some personally practical tools. This is some of the stuff that I teach my men that's freed them. Okay. Some of my. My men, I really just help them get over their divorce is really all I do. But the byproduct of that is they actually do become better fathers, better sons, better employees, better business owners because they get healthy. Because when you're healthy, you show up different in every aspect in your life. It's all connected, period.

It's all connected, period. That's just like being in this lonely position right now.

Yeah.

Anybody that's out there, that's in that position, how are you doing with Work. How are you doing with your health?

Yep.

How are you doing with relationships?

Everything.

I bet the answer is not anything positive. It's negative, negative, negative.

Yes. And if you. If you just stay focused on, man, I'm not showing up. Man, I'm not showing up. What you focus on, you will literally create more of. Period. Period. That's why as soon as you purchase that car that you've been wanting, for some reason, you start seeing it everywhere.

Yeah, exactly.

Everywhere. Right. I've done the studies behind this.

Yeah.

It's because your brain is literally wired to show you more of what you're focusing on.

Totally.

That's why you have these people that are like, oh, that person's cheating on me. And they go through their phone, there's nothing there. But they'll find something. Their brain will literally create some sort of manipulated evidence when nothing's happening. Right. There's somebody probably listening. They're like, oh, yeah, well, I was right. Well, normally what you focus on, you create.

Exactly.

You probably started showing up like a dude that made a girl want to cheat on you, just saying, yeah, exactly.

If. And that's a whole another show. But, yeah, I mean, you could. If you're looking for negativity, you will find it, and many times you'll create it.

Exactly. Because your thoughts.

It's like, look, if he. If he already thinks I'm doing it, screw it, I'm gonna do it.

Yeah.

You know, that's so. So be careful, man.

Your thoughts literally create your reality, period. That is the one formula that I focus on so much with my men. And as soon as they start changing the way that they think that. This is why the Bible. Again, guys, I'm a Christian. This is why the Bible says, be transformed by the renewing of your mind. When you renew your mind, transformation happens in every area in your life. And it also says to take every thought captive, interrogate the crap out of it.

And whether you're a Christian, atheist or.

Doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter. What he just said works is fact. I don't care what book it came from. It's fact.

Yeah. And, I mean, the studies are all there. Go ahead, Google. Google the power of your thoughts. Google the power of your words. It's all there. Science is backing it up. Or if you want to learn more about it, then hit me up. But I want you to do this. Okay? This is how you're going to cure loneliness. Not forever, because loneliness is like that. That obsessed ex girlfriend that keeps showing up at the most Inconvenient times, loneliness. You're going to cure it one day at a time. You got to focus on one day at a time. And you got to give it to yourself first. Period. You got to invest in yourself. We've talked about this so, so much because, for example, Scott asked me to give you a Rolex right now.

Give me a Rolex right now. Will you give me a Rolex right now?

I can't, because I don't have it.

Why not?

I can't give you something that I don't have.

Exactly.

I can't give my kids something I don't have. I don't have love for myself. I can't give my kid true love. I don't have value for myself. I can't value someone I don't have respect for myself. I can't respect someone. You cannot give what you do not have. And if all you have right now is shame, this is not me shaming you. You have two ways to look at this. You can say this dude's a dick or this dude's challenging me and cares about me enough to tell me the truth. Right. If all you have is shame right now, guess why you're shaming people. Because you can only give what you're carrying. Exactly. Period.

What a, what a valuable point. Valuable point. And, and just to add on to that, I think that's probably the. Almost want to end on that because it's such a great point.

But I do want to give them a practical thing to do. But, yeah, keep going.

I just, I just want to say the one, one of the biggest reasons why people don't take that step to get help is because it's very easy to say, I don't have anybody that I can go to. And I want, I want.

You focus on.

I want to, I want to tell people that I've, I lost my wife, I lost my mom, my dad. I have no family at all. Literally. My son is my only blood family, and that's it. I don't have anybody other than, you know, the handful of friends that most, most of which are married and kids. And it's like, oh, I don't want to bother them with my stuff.

Yeah.

So I'm a prime example of someone that has been in the situation where I'm lonely, I'm beat down, you know.

I literally have nobody.

I've, I've, I've, I, I, I, I sustained a massive injury. It caused me to lose a business that I had built for five years. I mean, I didn't have one single person to even help take care of me. And I. It was the loneliest time of my life. I mean, I literally think, how did I get past that? And it literally took me reaching out and asking.

Yeah.

One person. And from that point, that person got somebody and it just kind of.

Yeah.

It like you have to want it.

Yes.

And don't. I guess is what. What I'm trying to say is participate.

In your own rescue.

We're giving you a place right now. We're giving you a support group. We're giving you the opportunity to DM us and we will help you get in the right frame of mind and then moving in the right direction and surrounded with the right people. And we will do that.

Yeah.

Because that's what we're here to do.

Yeah. And again, if you keep saying, I have nobody, I have nobody. What you focus on, you create more of.

Yes.

Period. If you start focusing on, you know what, there is people available and I just need to reach out. That will create urgency in you to reach out. Literally. It's all about what your focus is, man. Period. Period. And I want to give you, you gentlemen, this tool and gentle women, if you're listening, because this works. This works across the board. Because I do work mainly with men, but I also have female clients. And it works all across the board. In order to cure loneliness, you got to spend time with yourself. If you don't know how to connect with yourself, you can't connect with other people. That is why you have surface level relationships right now, not depth, period. It's because you only go surface level with you.

Yep.

Again, if you can't give it to yourself, you can't give it to nobody else if you don't have it. Right. So this is what you're going to do. This is my process to processing emotions. And it works, period. It's actually backed by counselors, therapists, all of that stuff. You're going to get a journal and you are going to sit down. I don't care if you have to wake up 30 minutes earlier than you normally do. You're going to sit down. Or at night you're going to say, I feel. And then start writing what you feel. I feel lonely because. And just start writing and let everything that you're feeling come out. Do not suppress it. The more you suppress it, the weaker you become as a human. Period. And the more brain fog that you create for yourself, the more that you allow yourself to process these emotions, the more clarity you get, the stronger you'll Feel, the happier you'll feel. And I just want you to write. You're going to trigger your subconscious with you when you do this, and you're actually going to begin to write things and feel things you didn't even know you were dealing with. If you allow yourself to genuinely feel.

And if you have, like, a broken wrist or a broken finger. That's not an excuse. Record it on your.

On your phone. Exactly. Because talk to yourself.

A lot of people in that situation will come up with an excuse. Yes, they can. So.

Oh, no, I don't have a pen.

If you've got vocal cords. Exactly.

Oh, my pen's broke. Gosh, I can't do it tonight. Okay. And then what's going to happen is your body can only process emotions for 90 seconds. That's a scientific. If you allow yourself to feel it, when you suppress it, that's when it lingers. But 90 seconds. And just remind yourself, man, it's nothing but a feeling. I'm not gonna die. Nothing but a feeling. And do it alone. That way there's no shame. Whenever you come to a neutral place where you feel kind of numb, like you're just writing now and you're not feeling anything, then this is what I want you to do. Because now we got to replace all of that. Now you have mental clarity. I want you to envision one moment in your life that you are grateful for, that you felt so much freaking gratitude in that moment. Whether it was when your kid graduated, whether it's when your kid was born, whether it's when you succeeded in something, you just felt genuinely proud of yourself, and you're going to write that thing down. You're going to close your eyes, you're going to visualize and go back to that place and genuinely feel what you were feeling in that place. And then I want you to write five sentences. That's it, on why you are grateful for that period. It is scientifically proven that people that do this exercise walk around happier and more energized than people who don't. People who don't do this walk around a lot more lethargic and sad. So do you want a lethargic and sad life, or do you want an energized and happy life? Because this is a simple solution to do that.

And. And I think that is a perfect stopping point. I think it's phenomenal advice. And anybody that's. In the situations that we've talked about, and I know it's a lot of you, take the advice.

Yeah.

Reach out. Do the exercises Frank just spoke about. This has been a great episode, and I genuinely, genuinely hope it's helped somebody.

Oh, yeah. We'll see you guys on the next one.