Healing and moving forward. Divorce and Widow

Do you want to say goodbye to your mom? And, like, he climbed up the. Climbed up the bed and crawled over and kissed her arm and then crawled back and then walked around and from my recollection, just kind of touched her. And I could tell that she knew he was there. I can't explain how I knew that, but I could tell. And then he just literally beelined it out the room and upstairs. And I followed him, and he was upstairs in his bed, bawling his eyes out, and I sat in bed with him, and he was just crying, saying, you know, I don't want mommy to die. I don't want mommy to die. And I said, I don't either, buddy. And, Hey, what's up, everybody? Scott and Frank here doing a little bit of a different episode today. We'll call it 1.5 or whatever. Right. Our first episode, we kind of touched on a little bit about why we became single dads. And after discussing it, we kind of concluded that, you know, what our audience needs to know, in our opinion, more about us. And what better way to do that than by sharing our emotions and a little vulnerability about the exact things that took place in detail as to why we became single dads.

Yeah, yeah, I completely agree with that, honestly, because we were talking a little bit, and we're in a couple single dad groups on Facebook, and there's just a bunch of nonsense that's always shared. And I think it's because as men, naturally, we do not like being vulnerable. We do not like being open and showing weakness. It's just a common trait that we all have. Right. Give me an audience when I'm winning. Don't give me an audience when I'm losing.

Right.

And so I just. I think that is one of. Honestly, a key ingredient of why there is not that many resources for single dads. Because we lack the vulnerable aspect. And it's because I think for so long, it's been, if you're vulnerable or if you show weakness, then you're not a man. And I believe it's the complete opposite. Personally, I think it takes more of a man to be open about certain things. And it is when you open up about weaknesses and. And you're vulnerable that people actually connect with you, and you're more relatable. Like, I've always taught this to some of my leaders that I help mentor. I'm like, if you're vulnerable, it's gonna. It's gonna breed, you know, a chance for people to be vulnerable with you and for you to be able to help. But if all you share is your victories, all it's going to do is breed comparison. That's why we all have that one friend, right? The one upper. It's like that's, that's all it's going to breed. If all you say is yeah man, I, I did this or this or whatever. If you're in sales, yeah man, I sold X amount this month, then you're always going to have someone who wants to one up you. And now you're just all competing. But when we're vulnerable and we put our walls down a little bit, I honestly that first of all reveals your true friends because those people will be there for you. You can actually have a genuine conversation with them and grow together. And it's also going to give you more of a platform in my opinion to be able to speak into people's lives. So why not go straight into that on episode 1.5?

Quick question. Just when you're in the social environment with the one upper, right, how do you handle that?

The way I handle is as soon as they start one upping I'm like oh that's cool. And then I stop. I don't.

So you let them one up?

Yeah. I'm like, if that's what's gonna make you feel good about yourself, go for it man. And then I just don't talk anymore about anything else like that they could possibly want to one up. And if they keep trying to do that then I just disengage the conversation and go talk to somebody else like it's not worth my time and I'm not gonna sit there and try and make them feel terrible about themselves. So I just kind of disengage and move on.

Depending on my mood. I'll do one of two things. What exactly what you just described or if I'm feeling a little Scott Fisherish, a little feisty, I, I will take their one up story and I will dive deep into it because you know there's always a bunch of BS with it, right?

So true.

So I like to ask like detailed questions, tell us more and act like I really give a shit, bro.

That's true. I have caught myself doing that too where it's like it's oh really bro? Well what about, you know. Yeah, dig and dig and dig until it's no longer a one up story.

Yeah, they almost think they're that you're trying to one up them but really you're just think that's freaking awesome. Tell us more about that, how that happened. You know, so be careful out there, you one uppers.

Yeah. And in this episode, I will try to not one up your story and you try not to one up my story.

Well, I don't think these stories are anywhere close to being one up type stories. They're just real raw and authentic and I guess I may very well include some things that I have never shared with anybody again. The purpose of this episode is to engage more with our audience in hopes of building this community that we, that we've set out to do and to help single dads and no matter what your situation. So I guess with that being said, I will give you a play by play the day that I became a single dad for the rest of my life. So I was at work, typical day. And at this, by or at this point in time, my wife, we already had hospice full time in the house. And they literally had told us, you know, at least, I mean, like, worst case scenario, another three months, but probably closer to six or more.

Yeah.

And so which I. I can't say that's good, but under the circumstances, you.

Know, you'll take it.

Absolutely. And so anyway, I. I was at work and I just literally got some feeling and I got in my car and I just wanted to go home and see her and spend time. And ironically, on my way home, I got a phone call from one of the hospice ladies and she told me that I need to get home. And I'm like, well, ironically, I'm 10, 15 minutes away. And she goes, okay, good. I said, but why? And she said, there's no other way to put this, but I don't think she's going to be here after today.

Yeah.

And talk about anyway pits in your stomach.

So what did you feel when you heard that? If you could verbalize it.

If you can imagine if you've ever been like, cheated on or betrayed or God forbid, like found out that, you know, you've lost, you lost somebody, which had happened to me before because my mom was killed in a car wreck and I got a phone call telling me that. And that's probably the most I can compare it to. But for those who haven't had something like that happen to them just like that, that awful feeling when you're betrayed or you just feel just nasty. I don't, I don't. Very difficult to verbalize.

Just throw up almost kind of thing. Just.

Yeah, I mean, just. That's the best way I can describe it. And I'm sorry if it's poor, but.

No, you're good.

So I got home, obviously, as fast as possible, and there were a lot of cars out in front of my house. And I walk in, and she has four siblings, or had four siblings, and all married, all with kids of their own. So there was a lot of people there. And, you know, you walk in, plus you have the hospice people, the social workers, and just. It was a very eerie kind of. Because everybody was there for the worst reason ever. You know, it's just. Just really an odd feeling. So she was laying in our bed and in our bedroom. And so I walked in and I was, you know, everyone kind of cleared out and gave me some. Some alone time. And, you know, I laid next to her, and she was kind of erratic and kind of tossing and turning, but knew. Definitely knew I was there and said, you know, that she loved me. And I was able to just rub her head and touch her face and tell her that everything is going to be okay. She's an angel. And Riley will. I made a lot of promises to her, and, of course, I just kind of reiterated every promise that I made about Riley I'm going to keep, and I'm going to raise him to be the best possible young man I can. And I love you. And, you know, verbatim. It's very hard to tell you much more than that.

Yeah.

By this time, his grandma had gone and picked him up from preschool or day school around the corner. And so he came in the room and. Talk about tough. So, you know, he's five years old, and he kind of went to the opposite side of the bed where she was laying. And so I didn't say this, and I don't remember who, but might have been her sister or somebody, but said, riley, do you want to say goodbye to your mom? And, like, he climbed up the. Climbed up the bed and crawled over and kissed her arm and then crawled back and then walked around and from my recollection, just kind of touched her. And I could tell that she knew he was there. I can't explain how I knew that, but I could tell.

Yeah.

And then he just literally beelined it out the room and upstairs. And I followed him. And he was upstairs in his bed, bawling his eyes out. And I sat in bed with him, and he was just crying, saying, you know, I don't want Mommy to die. I don't want Mommy to die. And I said, I don't either, buddy. And we hugged and cried on each other's shoulders. And I told him, you know what? She is going to be an angel. And she is going to be with us every day for the rest of our lives. And. And she will always be watching over you. And there is no person that has more love for you than her. And that's something that I have continued to remind him of very, very often.

Yeah.

And so after, you know, we cried for, I don't know how long we were up there. His time was kind of just. I don't know. Yeah. We walked downstairs and she was gone. And at that point, his grandma said that she. She would take care of him. And I bolted out of the house by myself and. Because I just couldn't sit there and watch her be carried out in a body bag.

Yeah. Golly.

So, you know, I didn't pay attention to who all was there, who wasn't. I just got in my car and I bolted. And. Where. Where did I go? I. I went freaking topgolf and started hitting golf balls. And I don't know why I did that. And I. I just. I needed. I needed somewhere to go, and I wasn't gonna go, like, sit in a bar or something stupid like that, and I wasn't gonna drive around, and I just, you know, went where I went, and I just hit golf balls. And, you know, my phone was blowing up. Where are you? Where are you? And it was just. The toughest. The toughest time. I don't know. I'm sorry for not being very clearly spoken right now, but that's kind of how things went down. And the toughest thing was. Well, obviously the toughest thing was her passing. And second toughest was seeing my son. And even though he was five and. And today doesn't have, like, a legitimate recollection of doing that or remembering. He does remember us crying on his bed, but when we've talked about it and gone back, I've asked him, what do you remember? And that's what he remembers. And then going with grandma. And I waited till everyone was cleared out of my house and just said, ask somebody to text me or call me when that was done. And hour, hour and a half later, I went back home, and house was empty. And I don't know why, but I started taking pictures off the wall and just kind of doing some, like. I don't know if I did it, because I didn't. I couldn't. Didn't want to. Like, I don't know why I did it. I really don't think it's because you.

Thought it'd help with the pain. Maybe.

Maybe. And so I took some pictures off the wall. I Think I made the bed and I packed an overnight bag and I left and I went to a hotel where I stayed for, I don't know, two or three days and kind of went awol and I didn't answer my phone. People were texting and worried because I had taken things off the wall. And so I, from what I remember, I let the people, or at least a couple people who could tell other people that I was okay. I was just. I just needed to some time. And so I just stayed. I reflected on things, I prayed, I thought, what am I going to do now? What is it? My mind was racing, man. I didn't know what I was going to do. And I think that's why I went to a hotel. I. I didn't want to be around people. I didn't want people asking me questions. I didn't want people telling me I should do this or do that or I should talk to this person or that person. I just wanted to do my own thing, which was be alone. And I don't know if that was the healthiest thing. I wasn't having any thoughts of suicide or hurting myself or anything. And I think that's what most people were worried about. And so I made sure that everyone knew that wasn't the case.

Yeah.

And so that was. That was the day of. That was a play by play of the worst day of my life. And some things that I told you guys are some things that I've never told anybody. And kind of the point of this, me doing this, and Frank to follow is to let you guys know why we. One of the big reasons why we are doing this podcast is because we want. No matter what the reason is or why you are a single dad, whether it's a nasty divorce or you're a widower or one of the countless reasons we want to help and we want stories like ours to be heard and we want everyone to know that it's okay to talk about things. And, you know, I just shared some things that I'm a very private person too, which is kind of weird. But, Um. So, yeah, You have any questions, Frank? I mean, did I leave?

Yeah. I mean, first of all, bro, that's like really, really intense. Even when you were telling me a little bit about it when we were downstairs, I kept getting really teary eyed and emotional just because it's. My situation is way different. Right. And so it's hard to imagine someone that you love so much and then they're gone and there's nothing that you can do about it and you didn't cause it. You know what I'm saying? So in that moment, man, whenever you left to, like, the hotel, do you think, do you think you were able to process what was happening or were you trying, like, what exactly was the thoughts that were going through your mind? Was it, I wish I could have done this better or what the hell am I going to do now? Or what's going to happen with Riley? Like, what was the, what was your thought process? Because I can't imagine having to try and process that. You know what I'm saying?

I don't think I did process a whole lot at that moment in time. I. There, as I said, thoughts were racing through my mind and I was concerned how my son was going to take it, what things are going to look like now. Like, okay, I'm a single dad now, and I don't know what the hell I'm going to do other than keep the promises that I made to her. And, you know, for example, she really wanted him to go to a specific school and. We were able to make that happen. And she knew about it before passing, which definitely made me feel good. And. Yeah, but, you know, it's. I. What was your question again?

How did you process it?

I. I don't know. Yeah, processing. It was just over time. And I, I think it. At that moment I was just. I. I didn't have you asked me. I wish could I have done something better or different. And fortunately, I don't have any regrets as to how things happened to that point. I don't want to go into details, but, I mean, you know, didn't miss one doctor's appointment. There was a point in time where we were flying to Philadelphia literally every six weeks for a surgery. And, you know, there was just a lot that up to that point. And I know I was there and supportive and made some very difficult decisions as far as allowing her to spend as much time with our son as possible. We did some really cool things. Like one of her very best friends came in town and stayed with us for a weekend and they just put a little recorder, so. Which I have in my safe. And one day Riley will hopefully want to. Well, he will. He will want to listen to it. I don't know when the day will come, but, like, literally just recorded just what happened, you know, just a typical day, you know, so he'll be able to hear his mom interact with him and with her best friend and, you know, so I think that was her sister's idea, which was really cool.

Wow.

And that's incredible. Yeah. So there, you know, there were a lot of things like that. Creative things that, you know, one day I think will be appreciated by Riley and my son. And so, yeah, I mean, there was just so much support. She was a teacher for over a decade, and, you know, they put something. Put a trip together. And I mean, I think one person paid for more than half of it so the three of us could go on a Disney cruise. Wow. Which turned out to be two months prior to her passing, which was amazing. And for, you know, for so many people to throw out such amazing support. And so, you know, that's. That's another thing that I've never been able to vocalize in a. In a, I guess, public setting. Setting. So if any of you all that were in on that, thank you. Because it literally was amazing and meant the world to us.

That's incredible. Yeah. When. When you were talking about that, it just made me think of. Because I think death, like, that puts things into perspective, you know, big time. And I was just thinking of how my mom loves road trips and I hate them. She loves driving to, like, California, just to go to Disney for a couple days and then drive back so that we can see all the scenery and things of that. And I'm always in such a hurry that I'm like, y' all just drive there. I'll fly there and meet you there. You know what I mean? But it's like not taking into consideration how much that would mean to her. You know, I'm saying. So do you think that after all of the. After you went through all this pain, it's, like, taught you? And I'm not saying that you've gotten it perfect every time because you're human, but do you think it's taught you to, like, slow down and enjoy, like, the moments, whether it's now with, you know, with Randy or with your boy, like, and just really take those moments in because. Especially because we're so entrepreneur minded, it's always go, go, go, go, go. Do you think that's helped you be present in these moments more?

It absolutely has. And starting with my mom and I was my mid-20s when she was killed in a car wreck. And you know, my dad had. We grew up, like, super, super modest. And, you know, if he made X, we lived off of half of that. And he saved and we lived very frugally, I mean, our entire lives, so he could save up for retirement. And he got to retire early. He had a lot of really awesome things happen and I mean, within months of him retiring, it was all ripped away. And, you know, so that changed the way I lived by, you know, making things, you know, like, we never took a vacation as a family my entire life, so hence my passion for traveling.

Yeah.

You know, and Riley's been on more vacations already than I've been on, you know, before I was 25 or 26, you know.

Yeah.

So that's something I. I would recommend that. I don't care. I don't know if you're gonna. If you're gonna spend money. Material things are nothing more than material things, but if you can spend the money on creating memories, I highly recommend that to anybody and everybody. And that's losing. My mom taught me, and eventually, you know, just a couple months after my mom passed, my dad had esophageal cancer. And, you know, a lot of things just went real downhill. And then. So I've had a. I've suffered a lot of loss. And I think resilience is definitely an adjective I would use to describe myself. And I say that humbly in a humble way. But, yeah, I mean, so, yeah, Tony.

Tony Robbins says that pain is never meant to stop you. It's meant to move you into action. And I think people need to hear that. Just because someone might experience something that you've experienced and it might. They might let it cripple them. But I think people need to know, just like Scott, like, I think it's okay to be. Get to let it cripple you for a little bit, because I think that's human.

Yeah.

But after that, just what you've done with your life is just phenomenal. You know, I'm saying, just super successful. Not just like, you know, business wise, but even just in parenting now and just moving forward with life. Like, I think that's awesome, man. Thank you so much for.

I appreciate that.

Yeah.

Yeah. So again, I hope to our listeners that the whole purpose of me telling you guys that was to. For you guys to learn who you're listening to learn a little bit about who you're listening to. And of course you're going to learn more and more as we go. But that's, you know, I didn't think it was right or fair to our listeners to just say, my wife passed away from cancer and let's move on. I think I owe it to our listeners because we take this podcast very seriously, and our passion for helping people is second to none. And it's just something that, you know, as Frank said earlier, you know, a lot of men are stereotyped for not being able to, I guess, demonstrate emotion and vulnerability.

And.

I wanted to. And I'm one of those people. I've been literally been one of those people my entire life.

We all are.

Asking anyone that knows me. So for me, being such a private person and being able to. To do and say some of the things that I've said and done just proves that everybody has it in them and it's okay to let it out in a format that you're not used to. And for me to do it publicly is a huge deal, and I hope it helps somebody. But either way, I just, as I said before, I. Our goal and do, our point in doing this is to help listeners understand whatever it is that you're going through, you can and will recover. And, you know, sometimes you think you're at the things can't get worse, but things can always get worse. But most importantly, they will always get better. And that's the ultimate point I want to make. They will always get better. And I'm living proof.

Yeah, for real.

So I know that was kind of serious, and most of our podcasts are not like that. But again, our goal with this podcast or this episode is to share and let our audience learn a little bit or a lot bit more about us. And now going to turn it over to Frank and let him tell his story in a little more, in a lot more detail how things happened and why he is where he is and why he's sitting behind a microphone next to me with both of us on the same road to helping other single dads out there.

Yeah. So this is going to be a complete change of direction. My story is completely different. And my story stems, if I'm being honest, probably from when I was 14 years old and I got my heart broken for the first time. And without knowing it, I decided that I would never be hurt again. And so normally, what ends up happening is if you decide that you're never going to be hurt again, then you become the one that hurts people. And as sucky as that is to say, that is what I became. And so I started struggling deeply with a sex addiction ever since high school. And I know a lot of people can say, oh, you know, that's just a cop out, whatever, like, you're just a man, all this stuff. But no, a healthy man does not have, you know, or deal with what I was dealing with. And for me, the reason that I knew that it was a sex addiction is because that's the one thing that I Ran to. I never ran to drugs, I never ran to alcohol, I never ran to anything except for that I would be. I would, I would feel value within myself knowing that I could sleep with this girl or whatever. And if I was in a relationship, I always had someone as a backup because I knew, oh, before this person ends up hurting me, I'm gonna pull the trigger first, leave them and then immediately move on to someone else, which just caused people more pain. And the number one thing that I think I lost with that addiction was just my identity and who I was and why I was on this earth and never being fulfilled by anything. And so the reason I say that is to give you context to what I believe ended up ending my marriage. Obviously I can't take the full blame and I never will, but I will be held accountable for my own actions and hold myself accountable for my own actions. Because if we just always blame the other person and say that we never did anything wrong, you will never grow. And the next time that you get married, if you keep having the belief that you never did anything wrong, probably won't work out very well. Just saying. And so we ended up. We ended up having my little girl. When I was about 18 years old, some situation happened and that situation really was that I was planning on marrying her. And we had met together to put our plan together. And then all of a sudden it led us to a conversation with our pastor, which was her unc. And that conversation included. My family was there with me, did not say a word. They were just there to support me and letting me handle my business and then her family being there with her. So that really turned into a conversation between me and her parents. And she said nothing throughout the whole meeting. And really what ended up happening, just to summarize it all up, was I came forward with the plan that me and her had talked about one on one and that we had agreed on and her family did not like it and she didn't support me at all in it.

Can you elaborate on what that plan was?

So the plan was really just. I mean, it was just, hey, move into our. Like we were going to move into my parents house, my parents were going to pay for our college tuition so that I could go to school, she could go to school, and then for medical bills as well so that we didn't fall forfeit our future. You see what I'm saying? Her family had the perspective of, no, you have to work, you have to support her now. And I was like, well, she's gonna be 100 supported. I'm like, my parents are just trying to help set us up for the future so that we're not another statistic. And first, I don't know why they. They did not like that one bit. And she. I. I mean, I could. I can, you know, have some, like, sympathy there and some empathy where she didn't want to stand up against her family. Like, I could see that, you know, you're 18 years old, you're going through all this stuff, whatever. But I ended up realizing, hey, if you don't have my back now, why would you have my back when we're married? And so I was like, you know what? I don't want to do this. Then I'll still be there for. For a little kid. At this point, I didn't know it was going to be our little girl. And I was still willing, you know, my family was still willing to take care of medical bills, all that stuff. Needless to say, at the end of that conversation, I got blocked. My phone number off, all social media, everything like that. Completely blocked, huh?

Just.

Just like that. Just like that. Immediately after that conversation, and we left. And I remember doing multiple things to try and get information or, hey, how's this happening? Like, how are you doing? And that's how I knew that I was blocked, because messages weren't going through, calls weren't going through. Then I go on social. I've blocked on everything, everything, everything, everything. And I'm like, dude, I am not. What the heck? You know, I'm saying I'm trying to, like, come in contact. And I couldn't. And then in that moment began the fear in me internally, where I was like, if I just show up at her house, cops will get called. All this stuff. I just started assuming, which now I know. Never assume, right? But I was just assuming. And so I was like, okay, well, I'm just going to let this thing take its course, and I'm going to be as proactive as. As I can be. So I started getting an attorney, started trying to get the ball rolling with that stuff. And it. For some reason, I don't know why, it was taking longer than it should have. And then all of a sudden, I get a text or a call from one of her family members that I was still close with and said, hey, your daughter was born. I was like, are you kidding me? And then I was just asking questions like, where, what? What happened? All this stuff.

Did you not know how far, bro?

I know. Well, she was born four months early.

Oh, wow.

Yeah. And So I was still in the process with the attorneys and all that good stuff, right? So then I find out where my daughter is. I found out where, like, you know, my ex is, all this stuff. And so I do what I think is right, which is go to the hospital, you know, And I'm like, if you don't want anything to do with me, that's fine. You have that right. I'm not gonna try and have anything.

To do with it. It's still your child.

It's my kid, though. So I show up. I remember clear as day, me, my brother, my mom, my dad, one of our aunts was staying with us at that time. Show up, and I'm like, hey, I'm here to see my little girl. She was born, like, earlier today. And they're like, well, what's her name? I'm like, Tatiana Ortega or Tatiana Rodriguez. I'm like, at this point, I don't know what last name she got. Well, I wasn't on the birth certificate. She didn't put me on the birth certificate. So I had to go to the room and get her to sign off on me being able to see my little girl, which was born four months premature. Right? So I was obviously worried. I go up to the room, I knock. The grandma ends up opening the door, and so she starts yelling, saying that she's gonna call security and yelling, security. And I. She goes to slam the door, and I put my foot down, and I'm like, I just need her to sign this so I can see my little girl. And she's like, that's my daughter in the bed. And I was like, and that's my daughter somewhere that I have no idea where she's it. She's at. And then she starts obviously yelling, making a huge scene. And, bro, like, I knocked on that door, and I was just like, I just want to see my little girl. And she turned it like, you know, like the. The Hispanic telenovelas, where it's just, like, super dramatic for nothing, literally, is what happened. And so then my mom is, like, crying at this point, and she's like, please, we just want to see her. We just want to see her. And then she. Of course, she started yelling more. So I tell my mom, okay, just back away. I take my foot off, and she slams the door. And then I'm like, now I'm just gonna have to come at her legally and do things the right way if this is the game they want to play.

Sucks.

Yeah, it really did. So do everything that I need to do. Ended up not meeting my daughter until she was one, literally. And even then it was so stupid because I had all these restrictions on the in house visitations where it was like I had to take off my shoes, I had to wash, wash my hands when I touched anything before I touched her, which I was down for. But then like her dad, the grandpa walks in covered in paint, dirty from working, and just goes straight and grabs my little girl. And I'm like, okay, so you're just trying to humiliate us because obviously you don't care that much about germs if this is what's happening.

Obviously a lot of spite.

Yes, a lot of it. And I was like, whatever, you know, like you can be spiteful. I'm not going to be. Anyways, fast forward a couple years, we end up chatting again. And I thought that she had been healed and had been work, worked through some stuff. And so I start giving this thing a chance because I'm hopeful to have like a family and give my little girl like that family setting, you know what I'm saying? Which now I know. Do not do that. Do not do that just for your kid. Please do not do that. It's not worth it. And so I start trying to do that and we end up working things out a little bit. I actually end up telling her, hey, I don't want to do this unless your family knows and we're on board and we can do this the right way. Well, she lied. She told me that her family knew. Never let me talk to them though, for some reason. So I was like, well, maybe they're still hurt, but they know and they're understand or trying whatever. So I'll just give them time, you know what I'm saying? No, she ended up lying to them. She goes down there, tells them, hey, me and Frank are together, I'm moving in with him tomorrow. But she told me, hey, my parents know about us and they're kicking me out because they're not supportive. So obviously, hey, if your family's kicking you out, I'm going to take you in, lie to both of us. And so then we end up getting married. Her family hated me, which makes sense because she told them that. And so they probably thought that I was the one that created this, right? She moves into my family's house, I catch her Snapchatting some dude. So immediately I'm already like, oh, I don't know. But because of my kid, I'm going to give her a chance, which was super ignorant of me. And I'm Going to try and make this work. And I already felt not prioritized or respected or loved, which started adding to everything that happened from high school and my addiction and just wanting to run to something else. So what I do, I ran to other women. I ran to other women, and I'm not proud of that. I'm not going to blame her for that, because I should have been mature enough to heal and deal with those things. But again, I am a man, so I'm not vulnerable. I don't show weakness. I don't talk to a therapist. I don't talk to a counselor. So I didn't do all of those things. So I wasn't emotionally, mentally ready to take on any relationship at that moment. Right. So I did what every guy does. I blamed her. You know, and I didn't blame her specifically. I just. In my own head, I was like, well, if she wouldn't have done. If she wouldn't have. If she wouldn't.

Right now, in some form or fashion, you're irrational.

Exactly.

And you're thinking, yep, the way that in hindsight, yeah, oh, yeah, we're gonna tell people not to think.

Exactly. You know, and I think that's. I think if you're gonna be vulnerable, and I think that if you're ever gonna do something significant in life, you gotta be willing to say, I was wrong.

Absolutely.

And I am wrong still in some areas. You know what I'm saying? So please don't listen to this and think, oh, Frank's got his stuff together. I do not. I'm still working as hard as I poss. And I'm just identifying things now and working on them the best to my ability. And so we ended up being together. And what's crazy was once we were together, I remember having a conversation in bed. We were laying in bed, and she was talking about how, I just can't believe you left me alone. And I. I was like, hold up. What do you mean? You blocked me from everything? Right? And then she was like, I can't believe you made me take a paternity test. You know how human humiliating that was to me? I was like, girl, I had to. The attorney said, bro, you've got to prove that you're the dad, because she's not acknowledging you as the dad. I'm like, so you made me do that? Literally, so I could see my little girl. But again, it was just very irrational. It was like there was seeds planted in her head that I was the one causing all of this. When I'm like, You realize I was doing what you made me do so that I could see my little girl. If I didn't do those things, I wouldn't have been in my little girl's life. And so it was, it was a mess.

And saying all that, did any of that get through to her?

No. So, no, until this day, I think honestly, she really does believe. And so she has the right. Right. Like there's her side, my side, then there's absolute truth.

Like, sure, there's gonna put it better myself. And I think that there's a lot of people out there that can relate to your story. Probably more, definitely more so than mine. And because of that, I want the point, the lessons, because there's a lot of people going through these things. And I see the emotion, I see the. Even now, you've still got that, that.

That fire in you and a hundred percent. And that fire, bro, is not anger. It's not anything towards her. It's. It's towards myself. And that is why I get fired up in those single dads groups when they're just talking crap about a baby mama. Because I'm like, hey, you've got to take some accountability, bro. And if you are willing to heal and grow, you will let that stuff go. And you can finally say, hey, I cheated because I was insecure. I cheated because I didn't know how to love myself. I cheated because I didn't know how to be my self advocate and be my biggest fan. So I was dependent on this person. And as soon as they fail you, because they will, because they're human, you do stupid things. I'm like, so if you want to stop doing stupid things, don't put that on somebody else to help you, like, figure that out. That's on you. If you can't take ownership of your own issues, then you're always going to be blaming someone else. And guess what? I am the only common denominator. In every relationship that I had in high school and in the marriage that I had, I was the only common denominator. Not all those women were different, you know what I'm saying? And I think I finally started. I started seeing that. I'll never forget, I was laying in bed again with her. We were chatting at night, and I opened up and I really told her for the first time what I was really going through mentally. And I said, I don't want to do these things. It was after she found out that, like, well, really I left my phone open because I kind of wanted her to see that I cheated. You know what I'm saying? And she saw that, and I just was like, I don't know why I keep doing that. And I was like, and I'm trying to figure out, and I have no idea. I'm like, now you know why. Now I know why. And so I started going to counseling by myself, and then we kind of started doing a little bit of marriage counseling, right? And then I started going to a sex addiction group, and I started working on myself, and I started getting good. I started dealing with things. And, you know, I mean, so, like.

So just. Just on. On. On that point, before you move on. On that point, before you move on the.

What would you.

What advice would you give everybody out there? I mean, I can see the point, but what advice would you give everybody out there that's in a similar situation or has gone through or is going through something like that? Would you tell them, hey, before you start blaming or saying, my. My baby mama wants this or that or expects this or expects that, would you say, hey, first and foremost, you got a man up and say, all right, here's where I screwed up. I'm going to take responsibility for it. And once I do that, then we can be on a level playing field with. But that's kind of the advice I'm kind of getting. Am I on track or no?

Yes and no. So, yes, take responsibility, take accountability. But then a lot of men, what we do is we take responsibility and accountability, and then we don't take action to fix it or we expect it to be even now. Well, guess what?

It's not.

It's not even, bro. Like, you've got to work your ass off to get back to the even playing field. You know what I'm saying? And yes, that person has to do their best to try and not hold it against you because it's really hard because you're already working uphill. It's hard to run uphill when someone's throwing stones at you from the top. You know what I'm saying?

So there's a lot of people out there that deal with irrational, illogical. I mean, and it's so frustrating because you cannot rationalize with an irrational person. You can argue until you're blue in the face, but you will get nowhere. So what advice would you give to those people? Because there's thousands and millions of them going through that, and you've gone through that. I've gone through that. What advice would you give them?

Personally, I would say that you should be more worried about convincing yourself than somebody else. Because if you convince yourself that you are a great guy, that will naturally begin to happen and come out, and you will become a great guy. If you convince yourself, man, I am a faithful dude, you will start becoming a faithful dude, and then that irrational person will become more irrational. And that's where you just have to kind of let it go and be like, if that is what you're choosing to believe, I'm sorry, I know I messed up. But you keep choosing to call me that, and I'm choosing to believe I'm not that anymore. And I'm taking the steps to not be that anymore. Right. There's an action plan in place. I'm like, at that point, you've got to either realize, like, hey, this person's just, like, gonna keep trying to, like, bring me down, which they have the right to. I'm like. But then you get to choose. I'm not gonna let that person bring me down anymore.

It.

And you have to, like, you got to be honest with yourself. Are you really doing the best that you can to grow and to show them that you are growing? And because if you're not, then you can't really sit there and be like, well, you're not believing in me. Well, you're not showing me anything to believe. You know what I'm saying?

So what I'm hearing is rather than, well, first and foremost, acceptance your wrongdoing, man up and apologize, even though it's not going to necessarily be accepted. But apologize and say, I'm a changed person. And I'm not going to tell you over and over, I'm a changed person. I'm just going to show you. And this is where my motto that I live by, show me, don't tell me.

Yep.

And then you just start living exactly how you say.

Yeah, if you.

If you did in fact change.

Yeah.

Start living that way. And whatever irrational things are still coming your way, let them come and continue living the way that you have changed and now are. And eventually. I think the key word here is patience.

Absolutely. Absolutely. It's like. What's that term? It's like trust is gained in drops but is lost in buckets. And a lot of us, once we break trust, we want it. We want to regain it right away. But it's like, that's not. That's not gonna happen. That's not gonna happen. And I ran into that. You know what I'm saying? But what I can say was I started growing and I started doing better. I was not completely fixed, but I started doing better, right? And it looked like we were on. We were doing good at this point. Like really, really good. And then one day, out of nowhere, she. Well, we got into a little bit of a fight because I saw that she was searching her ex boyfriend on Facebook. And so naturally I was just like, what the hell? And you know, her reasons were even now looking back at it, I think pretty dumb. It was just like, well, I was just comparing myself to who he was with because it makes me feel good. And I was like, that makes no sense. That's terrible. You know, I mean, I'm like, the fact that you have to compare yourself to who he's with to feel good about yourself. I'm like, what is. What is that telling me? Like, how would you feel if I was just stalking my ex girls and being like, oh, I wonder who she's with so I can feel good about myself? Which just meant, bro. Like, I don't hold that against her because it just meant that she was still dealing with what I had done or maybe other things, I don't know. But I'll take responsibility, you know, I mean, period. And so she ends up going to her family's house to hang out for a little bit. And she's there for hours and hours and hours and hours. And I remember texting. I was like, all right, well, you know, I'll see you for dinner. What's like 9 o'? Clock? She's not answering my text or my calls. Like 10 o', clock, still not. Finally gets home around 11, says, hey, my phone died, whatever. I was like, okay, cool. And she tells me she's leaving. And I was like, what the heck happened over there? You know what I'm saying? Family doesn't like me. Never really liked me. And then she tells me that she told them about how I ended up cheating, you know, a couple years back. So obviously, what's her family gonna do? I can't believe you would stay with him, leave all of this stuff. And she told me this, right? So I'm not just assuming. She actually said. They said I'm an idiot for even staying. And I was like, well, I mean, that sucks. And obviously I was heartbroken. I was crying and I was like, dude, Like, I was like, I've grown so much and I'm only gonna get better. And are you willing to sacrifice that, you know, and give that to another woman? And, you know, she kept saying no, all this stuff, whatever, and she left. The next morning, her dad came and helped her pack all her stuff. I didn't really chat with him or anything or try and convince him because I don't know, I just didn't think I needed to. It's not between me and him. It's between me and her, right? And I just remember sitting there, bro, in her empty office and just literally thinking, like, what the hell's happening to my life? My little girl was taking to school.

We.

We didn't get to talk to her, let her know what was happening.

How old is she at this point?

I don't know. I think she was like seven. Six. Six or seven. We didn't. She didn't give me the chance to talk to my little girl and tell her what was happening. She didn't even. Literally. My little girl goes to school, like, if everything's normal, never comes back home. Never. And I was just like, to me, that's what hurt the most. Because I'm like, she has no idea what's happening. Like, if you don't want to do it for me or yourself, do it for her. And I just remember sitting in that room, bawling my eyes out. And then it was. I had. I wasn't even praying yet. And I'm a very religious person. I'm not even a religious person. I just really have a close connection with God and with Jesus, and I love him. And this is one of the reasons why I hadn't talked to him in a long time. And in that moment, I can't explain it, but I felt the love of a father just come in and embrace me as I was broken. The Bible says that he is drawn to the brokenhearted. And I saw it so evident in that moment. And from that moment on, I still messed up a couple times. I remember calling my pastor. Like, I was like, bro, I thought I was good. I'm like. But this just brought up a whole bunch of stuff with me. And I started sleeping with some chick. You know what I mean? Really just using her. And I told my pastor. I was like, I don't want to be like that anymore, man. I really don't want to be like that. And then God just started taking me through a journey where I was, like, alone. Like, people care about you when you get divorced and stuff happens for a couple weeks, and then life gets in the way, right? And they get busy. And so I had to start doing some real healing on my own. And I remember asking. I was like, holy Spirit, please show me the areas where I was wrong, the areas where I need help, you know? I mean, because what good is it to blame someone like, you cannot control how they grow. You cannot control what they do. I can just control me. And I was like, the only thing I can do is, like, become better. And so, yeah, so I started becoming better for myself, for my little girl. And then, yeah, so for a long time there, man, during the divorce and everything, I stopped dreaming. I wasn't as driven. My head was very cloudy. I couldn't think straight. I couldn't remember certain memories, a bunch of stuff like that. And I just remember feeling so anxious and depressed. And I had never really struggled with that before. I started losing myself. Like, my, like, who I am, my charisma, like, people just always wanting to be around. I started losing that, and I didn't like that at all. And so it just took me getting honest with myself and being at home sometimes and saying, this sucks. You know, this really does suck. Instead of being angry at her, I was just like, this sucks. The reality of it is that this sucks and this hurts. And I feel alone, I feel lonely, I feel abandoned. Like, those were all the things that I was feeling. And. And I had to really, really work through those things to come out of it.

And real quickly, what. What are the main things that you started. What are the main things that you started doing to work through those things to get to a better place?

I stopped ignoring what I was feeling. I started genuinely.

That right there is key. Stop ignoring what you're feeling.

Yeah. And like, pain can be experienced in a lot of different ways. Usually the way that we like to experience it is an anger, because that's easier.

Yeah.

And it takes the. The responsibility off of us and we can put it on something else. And so first I was angry, and then I was like, that's not doing anything for me. And it's a scientific fact that emotions can only be in the body for 30 seconds. We just choose not to let ourselves experience it for fully for those 30 seconds. Right. Have you ever started crying and you don't let yourself get to the point where you ball hysterically because you don't want to feel that. And then you feel off for a long time because you didn't let yourself feel that. That's why. Because you trapped that emotion in your body. So I got to a point where when I was sad, I let myself feel sad. And I was just. And it was easy because I was home alone. No one was around. You know what I mean? When I was angry, bro, I would feel. Let myself feel it. If I was angry at myself, I would let myself Feel it. I would yell, I would get my punching bag and just, I would punch with no gloves so that I could feel some pain too, you know, And I would just like let it all out. When I was like wanting to cry, I would let myself cry. I would, I would let myself really, really feel those things. And that started healing me. And honestly, I would listen to, I would, I would put away Netflix, I would put away the Xbox. I would put away the guys nights where you go out and just get plastered and try and hook up with chicks. I didn't do any of that. After a while. All I did was I would be in my living room, I throw on my favorite pastors and I would feed life into myself, feed life into myself. And I would begin to believe like what was being preached. And then I would get into the Bible and I'd be like, holy Spirit, I don't know if I'm going to get anything out of this, but let me get out of it what I need to do. And I would just do that. And self help podcasts, surround myself around, you know, good people that talk good and don't just BS all the time. Like that's really what I did, that.

Those are all great things. And what I was going to ask because as you well know, we're talking to a lot of people with a lot of situations and not everybody is religious. Not, you know, not everybody has a relationship with God. To those people. What advice would you give them.

To those people? I mean, I'll just, I can't tell.

People, hey, you need to be religious. Hey, you need to do this. But correct. But we can give them advice on how to deal with. Yeah, some of the, some of the, just, yeah. Horrible they're going through.

Yeah. So this is what I would say and this will probably be a little unpopular, but I just have to be honest. I do not believe that you can be fully fulfilled in this life without Jesus. It's just my belief. That's why you see, even the highest paid actors that have all the resources in the world end up committing suicide. But they, they did not follow Jesus. Right. That's what I believe. Now there is, I believe that we are all children of God, period. And we get to accept a relationship with him if we want to. But biblically, there are principles that if you follow will naturally get you to a better place. You see it all the time with multi, multi, multi millionaires and billionaires that aren't Christians. But if you see how they run their business, they're ran off of biblical principles that they probably don't even know are biblical principles.

I know, that's funny.

It's crazy, right?

And that's a whole other topic which I'd like to talk about. But yeah, I think a good answer to the question would be watching influential people that, you know that have gone through things and eventually, I hope we're those people. Yeah. But, you know, watching influential people that have gone through things that, you know, that you have to deal with the topics that we're talking about right now, obviously, and, and so, and, and extract the positive things from there. Yeah, but Frank made the. The ultimate point. Until you accept your wrongdoing.

Yep.

And move forward with that and make those changes and be patient, then, you know, good things are not going to happen.

And to give a very practical thing besides what I just said, which is what I genuinely believe this will help you meditating. Because meditation and prayer go hand in hand. But you have to do it.

Right.

A lot of people sit there and they just sit there and they try and ignore what they're thinking or what they're feeling. It's not about ignoring those things. It's about feeling them and accepting them and being like, what? And then. And then challenging it. Why do I believe that I'm not good enough? Why do I believe that I will be rejected? Why do I feel abandoned? And when you start, like, embracing those tough questions and asking them, then you can start journaling. Another very practical thing. Start journaling and fight those thoughts. Right. Because those thoughts aren't true. You are worthy to be loved. You are not going to be rejected. You're willing to be accepted. And guess what? You are good enough where you. And everyone says, like, I'm good enough where I am now. If you can't accept me now, da, da, da, whatever, whatever. Like, that's a terrible mindset. You still need to grow, but you are capable to be loved now if you're constantly growing and challenging yourself. Right. So combating those thoughts. So I started writing down, like, I can be loved because I am confident, I am smart, I am creative. I am like all of these things. And I start writing those down and I start. And you have to make yourself feel the emotion that comes with those things so that your body will believe them. Because our subconscious only works in the right now. Our subconscious doesn't work in the future. So you can't say, oh, I will do this, and.

And setting attainable goals for yourself. Because when one achieves something, that does something for you mentally.

Absolutely.

So by setting Attainable goals. Like, I'm going to work out, even if it's for minutes, bro.

That's how I started. I. So I used to love working out. I used to love training and fighting. And I would fight for three hours at a time sometimes in the gym, and I would work out almost every day, you know, I mean, and I stopped because of what I went through. And I'll never forget the first time I went back to the gym. I said, I'm gonna go for five minutes. Literally I said, I am gonna go.

To the gym, man, for five. That's an attainable goal.

Exactly. And I went to the gym and it was extremely difficult to stay in there for five minutes. I literally put the weights on, on the bench press, and then I did a set of 10, and then I put a little bit more weight and then I did another set of 10 and I was like, I gotta go. So I left, I was in there for maybe eight minutes. And then I said, I'm gonna go back tomorrow. Five minutes again. Five minutes eventually turns to 30 minutes. Five minutes eventually turn into an hour. You know, I mean, it's, it's, it's.

Literally attainable goals and achieving them. Yeah. And that mentally, it, it does something and it makes you, all right, I can do this. And then you want, do more. You want to do more. And you know, but again, I'm going to go back to. It all starts with accepting, yes. Who you are, what you've done wrong, and moving forward in life with that. And, and you can't.

And you can't do it alone. No, I really wanted to, I really want to hit on that. You can't do it alone. If you think you can, you're terribly mistaken. And I'll talk to you in three years when you're in the same place that you're at right now. I'm just being honest. Like Scott, you know, there's nobody that's self made. Anyone who says they're self made, that's bs. Everyone stands on the shoulders of someone to some degree, 100%. Somebody talked to you, somebody listened. Somebody gave some encouragement. Somebody bought you lunch when you couldn't afford it. Somebody did something for you. And if you have the mindset of, oh, I'm doing this on my own, get out of here.

Yeah.

And if you keep trying to do it on your own, you're not going to, you're not going to heal.

You're on a treadmill.

Yes.

You're going nowhere real fast.

Nowhere. Nobody does anything on their own. And I think that we need to surround ourselves whether you were widowed or whether you cheated and got divorced or didn't cheat, got cheated on and got divorced, because that creates the same amount of pain and guilt. I'm like, you need to have someone who you can talk to and someone that you trust that'll say, hey, you are lacking in this area, bro. You know what I mean? Let's get you through this.

And I know we've kind of gone long, but by wrapping things up, I want to encourage any listeners, viewers to please email us, message us, leave comments, whatever, because our goal, again, is to build a community.

Yeah.

And we're going to do a lot of really neat things, but we will. If you have. If you have whatever's going on with. With your situation, you very well could be on this show talking about it, among other really cool ideas that we have that we're going to do. So. Yeah, if.

Yeah. Messages on Instagram. That's the number one platform that we're the most active on. We respond to all the messages. It's the easiest way to get in contact with us. So I think, yeah, just go to our Instagram at the Single dadspodcast and you can get ahold of us there easily.

And I hope today meant something to somebody. It was kind of difficult for me to go through. I'm glad I did. I hope that our audience of all 15 or 20 of you at this point, as that grows, will at least be able to watch this or listen to this and have a better idea of who we are and where we're coming from. And I think that's important for this podcast and the purpose of it. So thank you very much for tuning in and listening and. Or watching. And we will see you next time. Ra.