Holidays as a single parent.

We're live, man. Season three. Season three, Single dad's podcast, man.

What's up, everyone? Welcome. Hope you're doing good.

Hope you're doing good. We did not disappear. I know some of you guys were like, where are you at? Where you at? But if we're being honest, man, we. We dropped two seasons back to back without taking a break. And even though we love this, sometimes life just catches up to you a little bit and you gotta slow the roll a little bit. And so we're back and just in time for the holidays, too.

Yeah. And what I want, I kind of want to touch on today, Frank, is, is the holidays can be tough for single parents. And it's always really tough for me just because of my situation. For those of you who might not know, I lost my wife to cancer and Frank is divorced. So we're single dads, but respectively in our own right.

I guess different circumstances.

Different circumstances. Much better said.

You worded it way better. Respectfully, to our own way or something like that.

Oh, well, anyway. But so actually this morning I dropped my son off with his grandma. Fortunately, and just for the record, like, I, I literally have no family on my side.

Yeah.

And I want my son to experience Christmas as I was fortunate enough to growing up and have family around, wake up on Christmas morning. Even though he's getting older, he's 15 and a half now. It's just being around family on Christmas is very important to me. And unfortunately, I can't provide that. And he understands it. And I think as he gets older and he'll look back and I think he'll realize that, you know, I wanted him to be around his cousins and his grandma, which is his only grandparent. And so, I mean, I don't want to make this about me, but it was. So I gave him his Christmas gift yesterday. One of them, anyway. I took him to. To get a new iPhone. Right.

Christmas gifts are getting. So as the kids get older, as their age gets higher in number, so does the Christmas present prices and so.

Do the volume or the number of presents they get.

Those lesson too.

Did you hear me? I said present. Yeah. But he actually chose the least expensive ones, which was nice. But nevertheless, after we got home and mind you, this is a 15 and a half year old teenager. You know, he came up to me and gave me a hug and, and said, thank you, dad. I really appreciate it. Wow. And I, I literally walked into my home office and teared up.

Wow. And that I love, I love how you said teared up, not cried. You're like, I walked. I walked into a separate room. I got a little teary eyed.

I.

Such a man, Scott.

I genuinely did though, man. All joking aside, it was a touching moment for me. And the best gift I can get from my son, especially right now, is him, you know, outside of not using drugs and doing the right thing, keeping his grades up, you know, not doing, you know, stupid shit is just, you know, showing that he appreciates. And it was just most heartfelt. And I told him on the way to drop his grandma off because I said, have you thought about what you're going to do for your grandma? He's like, I have an idea. And I was like, well, take this to heart. You coming up to me yesterday and, and hugging me and telling me that you appreciate me was the best gift you could have ever given me. I love that, man. And so just, I. I needed him to know that so he'll understand that, you know, whatever he does for his grandma, little things like that just goes way further. Yeah. And you know, because for. For me, Christmas morning will just be another day.

Yeah.

You know, I think there's some football on.

We could be more than that. That's what, that's what I'm gonna hit on.

Well here in a little bit. For, for me, it's, you know, I usually travel because, you know, he's usually with his family from his mom's side and with all this Covid stuff, again, that's not a good idea to do. So I'm not going to do that.

Yeah.

But moving on, all I wanted to do was kind of point that out. And for. For those parents out there that, that don't get to spend time or spend Christmas with their child or children for whatever reason.

I know there's a me being one of them. Honestly, I don't get Christmas with my daughter this year.

Endless scenarios as to why, which is not really the point. But for all of you out there that don't. It's not about us, it's about them.

Yeah.

And I. I just hope.

Really good, Scott.

I really just hope that everyone can just keep that mindset. If you don't have it, if you have bad blood or, you know, your things aren't good with you and your significant other, whatever the case may be, just remember it's about the kids. Yeah. And as long as they are enjoying it.

Yeah.

That's all that matters. And that's what. That's the point I wanted to convey with my little sad story.

That's not a sad story, bro. That's a beautiful story, man. Honestly, like, that's an incredible story. How many dads would genuinely love for their kid to be like, dad, thank you so much.

I appreciate you, man.

Ever like, any.

Any dad out there.

Lord. You know what I'm saying? Like, that is the best gift in the world.

I felt. I felt emotion like I hadn't felt in a minute, dude.

Yeah. It made you realize, dang, I am a human still.

It. It did remind me. Yes.

Yeah. No, but I love what you said. You were like, remember that it's not about us. It's about the kids. And you've heard me talking about, like, on the episode where we talked about how to end suffering, how to stop suffering as a single parent. Like, we covered how when we suffer, it's because we make it mean something about us. Right. So your kids going to your grandma's. You could so easily be like, that means he's not going to spend it with me and just get caught in that cycle. That story, that thought process, which will make you miss him, make you suffer, make you feel like, dude, he should be here. He should be here. Which will just make you not enjoy Christmas.

Yeah. A lot of people would, you know, because I don't have family. I could turn to the bottle or. Yeah. Or. Or drugs or whatever people numb yourself with. Yeah. To try. Try and numb or temporarily, you know, do it. But I. I'm happy. I'm happy that he gets to do. I love that that's love and have that experience that. That I was fortunate enough to have growing up.

Yeah.

You know, and he deserves it, bro.

That's love. Love is giving, not taking. And I was thinking about this because I knew what we were going to be chatting about today. And I was talking about how for so many of us, like, think about how selfish this sounds. My kid's not with me, so I'm. So I'm not happy. In other words, we are putting the responsibility, the burden, the weight of our happiness on a tiny human. That's not fair to them. Let them enjoy being a kid. Like, don't put that responsibility on that. Responsibility is ours. You chose happiness by seeing, like, I'm sacrificing this for him, but he's gonna be happy, and that's all I care about now. That doesn't mean you're not gonna miss him.

Right.

But that also doesn't mean you're gonna suffer.

And. And to touch. I guess this is gonna be a good episode. To elaborate. To elaborate on that, Frank. That any. Anybody who what did you just say? Say it again.

I was saying how it's so selfish of us to put the burden.

Okay.

Of our happiness on a tiny human, or even if they're not that tiny, it's still not fair.

It's not fair. And is what I wanted to do, to elaborate on that was if you fight with your. Your significant other or argue or anything right now about, you know, about who goes where, family, plan, anything like that, that is being selfish because. Especially if your children witness it.

Yeah.

So if I can give any advice, it would be to not argue. And if you have to, if you feel you have to make sure that your children don't wish witness it or know about it or are affected by.

Yeah.

You know, your unhappy feelings or whatever.

Yeah. Or check and check your motives at the end of the day, like, for real. And I was honestly, I was thinking about that how so many of us. And we've probably. We've fallen victim to that before, and we'll fall victim to it, you know, later on in life probably again, when we're enduring a bad season, we. We put them, like, they have to make us happy. If they're not here, I'm sad, which translates to, you have to make me happy. I need you to be happy. And that's just not fair to them because they feel that. They feel that, and it's like it's.

Putting a burden on them.

Yeah. Happiness has to come within yourself whether you're in a relationship or not in a relationship. Whether you're in a relationship, whether you have kids or don't, it has to come within yourself. And if you're not willing to pick up the responsibility, the task to make yourself happy, why would you throw that onto another human and expect them to.

Do it if you're not, much less your own.

If. Yeah. If you're not willing to show up for yourselves right now, this isn't me. Like, I don't want to beat on single dads or single parents, but this is just a matter of a fact. It's true. And the power, the beauty of it is, is that when we recognize, man, I'm doing that, that empowers us to make a change. Because you say, man, that's exactly what I'm doing. I don't want to do that anymore. What can I do different? Well, here's something that you can do different. Okay. You can start looking at it at a different perspective, just like you did. My son is going to enjoy family. I can't give that to him right now. On this side, but I want him to enjoy that. He's going to have such a fun time. And guess what? When he comes back, you can plan something for you guys. Me, my little girl, I'm not getting her on Christmas. She's not going to be here until the 27th. But why in the world do you only have to celebrate on the 25th? Not in my world. Maybe in your, this is how you create your own experiences. Like on the 27th, guess what we're doing? We're having an all out Christmas with my little girl. And the mindset that I have is she's over there and she's having fun with her mom, she's having fun with that family, she's enjoying it. And, and she's going to get more.

Gifts, you know, and, and depending on the age of the, of your children. You know, I, I, I've witnessed so many times, like I, I get four Christmases because I have four sets of parents.

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah, exactly, exactly. And, and yes, there might be somebody listening and this might be like a fresh divorce or a fresh like widow situation or something. Right. And it might be really extremely fresh. We're not naive to that. And I understand that yes, they are going to experience sadness, right, because they wish that both parents were there and it's going to be different. But this is where we as parents, especially as men, as leaders of the family, have an opportunity to create something new. If we choose to focus on all the bad, what are our kids going to do? They're going to focus on all the bad and we're not going to show up as the best parents that we can be. But, but if we teach them like, hey, we're facing some opposition right now and life is gonna throw it at us that way sometimes. But in this opposition, there's an opportunity, there's an opportunity to create a new tradition. There's an opportunity to create new events. Right. New whatever. And you turn it into something new. And if you don't have your kid, you can honestly, like, I just wanna ask you, like, is that the worst thing in the world or does that mean that man, I've been wanting to go hang out with these friends and they're going to do something extremely fun on Christmas. So I'm gonna go have fun with it or these family members and I don't have to worry about leaving early because my kid's not here and he's enjoying over there. And me sitting here and wallowing in the fact that he's not here isn't going to change the fact that he's not here also.

Yeah. And I'm really glad you brought that up. A lot of validity. 100 valid. And. But to the. You brought up, you know, if fresh. And I want to speak. Yeah. I want to speak to those who are maybe freshly widowed, whether it's your first Christmas without your husband or wife.

Yeah.

And, you know, with your kids, I remember that like it was yesterday. And it's tough.

Yeah.

And I'm not going to pretend that it's not. However, kind of empathize. If you weren't here and your kids were left with, you know, if the tables were turned. Oh, right. Yep. What. What would. What would. From watching from above, what would you want? Exactly.

Yes.

And think of it that way.

That's good, Scott.

And do it like that, as tough as it may be. And if you need to, you know, take time to celebrate mom or whomever it is that you lost, then by all means celebrate it. That's so good. But also celebrate the life and the traditions and anything else that you did when the person you lost was here because they're here in spirit. And your kids have to understand and learn and grow without that parent. And it's inevitable. There's no way around it. So try and make the best of it, as difficult as it may be. And when tears need to be shed, you know, I'm not going to say it's. It's bad for your kids to see you cry, because. No, it's healthy, but just make it a happy cry and celebrate it. And. And I don't know how many widows are out there, but you brought up, you know, I don't, you know, any. Anything that's fresh to people. Yeah. You know, I've. I just wanted to convey that to them. That's all.

Yeah. No, I love that, brother. Because something that I teach my clients is to grieve in gratitude, because you can grieve in sadness and just. I miss. I miss. But then you get stuck in that thought process and it just leads to nowhere. Like, it's scientific fact that you experience pain and there's a chemical reaction in your body that happens for 90 seconds. Any more suffering after that, we're creating with our own thoughts.

Right.

Right. And so I teach them. I'm like, you can grieve in gratitude. In other words, like you said, celebrating. Celebrating her life. You know what I'm saying? Celebrating like, man, she was this. And this.

And.

And thanking her for everything that she left or he left.

Right.

And. And Switching it up. Yeah, that's a really good beer.

It's a kolsch.

The Kolsch. But. But yeah, bro. No, I think. I think that's key. And one of the things I want to hit on for anybody who's divorced right now, you might be thinking, man, life was incredible. We had incredible holidays, all these things. And you just think back at it and you just think, like, she's the person I want to spend it with or he person. All these things, right? So I just want to challenge you to ask the question, like, was it really incredible? Was it really. Was there no conflict? Was there no arguments? Did you not stress out about, okay, we're going from this time to this family, then this time, this. And try feeling like you're being stretched out so thin. And when you begin to think of that, think of what you're experiencing now. Think of it as a reward. Like, now I get to create new traditions. Now I don't have to split my time. I get to go where I want. Now I don't have to try and convince somebody that this is where I want to go and this is what I want to do. And you get to create that experience. Because at the end of the day, like I said earlier, if we just sit at home and we're like, I miss my kid, I miss my kid. I miss my kid. I miss my kid. You're just focusing on that. You're creating that experience and it's not going to change your circumstance. Your circumstance still is. Your kid isn't there with you. But if you choose an optional thought, man, you know what? I'm going to go out and have some fun with my family. I'm going to stay there till two in the morning. I'm going to see if my friends want to come over afterwards and they're whatever. And create your own experience and say, this is the crappy circumstance that I'm in and I can't change it. But what I can change is, is how I experience these next couple days. And create that for yourself, right? And then take some time to plan and prepare for when you are going to have your kid and make it so wild. Make it to where they go home, like, or back to school, and they're talking about, like, yeah, we had Christmas here and Christmas here. And then when I got to my dad's, we still did this and that. You see what I'm saying? It's a whole different. It's the same circumstance, different outcome, and we all have a choice to do that.

And I want to. On that note, I want to ask you a question because I have a friend and I guarantee his so will not be listening to this. So I'm not going to say any names, of course. But anyway, I have a really good friend actually, and he's been struggling with his marriage and to the point where the kids are now starting to see, you know, alcohol abuse or fighting and taking the kids to a hotel for a night. And, you know, my advice to him is you both need to figure out, do you want this marriage to work? Yeah. And if so, you both need to go to therapy of some sort and you both need to commit to making things right. If one of you is not on board, then you have to quit allowing your children to see you like this because it's damaging them. Is that good advice?

So it is and it isn't. It is. Because. Yes, absolutely. Like, if you don't, if you don't know what result and outcome you want, you have nowhere to shoot. So you're just, you're shooting blanks everywhere. You're just making a lot of noise, you know what I mean? And you're not hitting anything. Now, it does take one person to save a marriage. I've seen this before. Two of my clients completely saved their relationship and their marriage, right? One of them, literally two weeks ago, he said on the call, he said, three months ago, I had the worst relationship in my life. Now I have the best relationship in my life and it's with the same woman. Woman's not getting coached by me. He is. You own your part and only your part. And watch what? Especially as a man, because women are biologically wired to follow. To follow. But what happens is pride gets in the way. So because she's not trying now, I'm not going to overextend myself. So you got to make the decision, right? So if you want to save the marriage, say, I want to save this marriage. And fully commit. Don't half hearted commit like you have been half heartedly committed for years now. Fully commit to love. What is love? Giving. Not taking. Taking is lust. Love is giving. Hey, I'm going to serve you whether you say thank you or not. I'm going to serve you. Hey, I'm going to love you whether you show me respect or not. That's selfless. That's true selflessness. Now, we are selfish humans. And so for a lot of men, they're like, nah, forget that. Okay, cool, then go ahead and enjoy your divorce then.

And that's that. That right there is the answer to my question is you must be selfless.

Yeah.

Period.

Yeah.

And if you. If you are selfless and not selfish, then things will inevitably start to work.

Yeah.

In some form or fashion. Whether it's let's co parent and go our own ways or let's make things work.

Yeah.

But let's think about the kids. Let's think about each other. Let's think about, you know, rather than quit blaming everything on each other or this scenario or that circumstance or this. That happened. Because most of the bad things that happen are because they're being selfish.

Exactly. And everybody hates that. Like, not everybody. Most men right now hate the man up culture. Like, some dude told me, he was like, man, I just resonated with you because you don't have that just man up culture. You actually want to listen to what we're feeling and stuff and help us process through it. I was like, yeah, but I don't let you sit on it. That's still man up culture.

Yeah.

It's like, hey, bro, you're allowed to feel what you're feeling. That means you're human. And when you allow yourself to feel what you're feeling and those emotions come out of your body, that's weakness leaving you. Because if you keep it suppressed, you're easily triggered and you'll pop off.

Yep.

So you become a weak man. Right. So I allow you to create space for yourself to feel what you're feeling and let it out. But then grow some balls. Go say I'm sorry and do better and show up and show up for yourself. If you show up for yourself, you'll show up for them. If you don't show up for yourself, how do you expect yourself to show up for them? You cannot lead somebody somewhere you haven't been. I can't take you to Mississippi and show you around, but I can take you to Eastside McKinney. I can show you all around because I've been there. You know what I mean?

And the key thing is, Frank, that. And we were talking about this based on something else, but it applies to everything.

Yeah.

And it's actually my handle on Instagram at Action Over Words. Show me. Don't tell me.

Yeah.

Actions speak. Words are just words.

Yeah.

And show. Demonstrate.

And you know how many people message me saying, I need to get over this. I need to get over. I'm talking hundreds of messages. I need to get. I need. I need help. I need to get over this. I offer help. No actions are taken. These are just words. Right?

Right.

It's it takes action. And then I remember we were doing. I just opened up my coaching program to, to ladies as well. Right. And we had a group coaching session and pretty much we did an exercise where she got stuck and she was like, she was in tears because she was trying to figure it out. Right.

Which is good because that's a plug. At Divorce coach.

Yeah, at Coach Frank on Instagram 1% divorce, recovery, coaching. But. But she, she was stuck and she was trying to figure it out and there was tears coming and I told her, I was like, this is okay. You've never taken this type of action before. This is why you haven't healed yet. Yes, you've gone to church. Yes. You've gotten prayed for. Yes. You've gone to therapy and talked about what you're feeling. But the action is what yields the results.

Correct.

And when I gave her the action, it was hard for her at first, and then I walked them through it. But now it'll get easier and easier and healing will begin to happen. It's the same thing with everything, right? Like, we've got to show up. And so for Christmas this year, for the New Year's, if you're a single dad like me and you're not going to have your kid, I want to give you the freedom to create your own experience and allow yourself to do that. Allow yourself to say, you know what? I am actually going to go and have a blast with these people. I haven't seen these people in a while and they're having some cool get togethers. I'm going to go over there, accept.

An invite from somebody.

Yes. Don't just sit here again, you're choosing that. You are choosing to suffer, and that's not going to change your circumstance. So you might as well choose to enjoy it and make the best out of it. And a lot of people think, well, that's not realistic. Well, it is to me. And I'm going to enjoy these holidays. And it is as real to you as you want to make it. If you think it's not realistic, it won't be realistic. If you think these holidays are going to suck, these holidays are gonna suck. But if you think, man, you know what? Frank and Scott are right. I can make this what I wanna make it, regardless of what I'm going through right now. You can hurt and be happy. You can experience pain and experience fulfillment and joy all at the same time. This is how you do it. What are you focusing on? Focus on the good. What's bad's always available so is what's good.

I like that.

So is what's good. That's all I have, brother.

That's a good segue to wrap up, man. What's good is always available. What's bad is always available. You make the choice. Yep. Happy holidays, everybody. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah.

All the things.

All those things.

Cinco de Mayo. A. Alrighty, guys. We'll catch you on the next episode.

Have a wonderful Christmas.