How life changes when you become a single dad.

Episode 9 Man all right, today we're going to talk about something kind of deep, and I guess I'll. I'll kind of kick things off. What we want to talk about is how things were before you became a single dad and how things are now and what has changed. What are the biggest things that have changed in as far as your dreams, your. About your future, what you're, you know, what you planned to do. And now that's all become a thing of the past for a lot of people.

Yeah. And here's. Here's the thing about this subject, and we were talking a little bit about it before, but, like, when you lose that person, that's that family, that setting, that, that literal dream that you had, because you don't just lose a person, right? And you see so many men, you know, myself included, at one point, that I lost vision for where I was going, because where I was going completely shifted. And it threw me into, like, a little whirlwind where you just kind of. And maybe some. Some guys. I know you guys can relate where you just. You don't know exactly what's going to happen now, and you don't know exactly how to pivot. And then not only that, but you don't really see that far into the future anymore as far as, like, dreaming, like, man, I'm going to do this or I'm going to do that, because that other person included in those dreams. And so one of my favorite content creators, Matthias, he's like a psychotherapist, and he talks about when you lose someone, whether it's a breakup or whether it's through death, like, when you lose someone, you don't just lose that person and grieve the loss of that person. You grieve the loss of the potential future that you had in your head with that person, which can cause you actually to, like, not dream big anymore. You know what I'm saying? Like, I know for me personally, like, whenever that happened, I didn't even realize it. And maybe you're listening to this right now and you're like, I haven't even realized it, but that makes sense. Like, I don't have a ton of motivation. Maybe your motivation now is to get back at that person that hurt you, right? And to show them, hey, I am good enough, or I am, you know, successful enough or I am fit enough, whatever. But that's not motivation that's going to get you through it. That's not motivation that's going to keep you going. You mean? Because at the end of the day. It's not for you. You're not dreaming for you anymore. And so I really want to talk about that. And just like, the. The loss of a dream for your future. And I like this topic specifically because, you know, for Scott, you know, it was. It was way different for you because you. Yours didn't end like, oh, hey, this person left me, or I left them. It ended, like, not voluntarily at all. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. And, you know, first and foremost, it was literally a decade ago. And so I've been a single dad for 10 years now, and I've. I've gone through so much and more. I don't want to say more downs than ups, because that's not true. But. But I mean, when things get ripped away from you, you. You just kind of lose focus, and you. And. And I've said this in previous episodes. It's like, I can never take my. My. My mental. I couldn't take my thoughts ahead of and say, okay, well, after she passes, because you don't want to give up hope.

Yeah.

So. And it happened faster and more, you know, unexpected than anticipated. And, you know, I don't want to go, you know, all into that, but bottom line is, yeah, man, everything just change, like, big time. And is what I was doing. And this is probably different from a lot of people, but I. I was actually, like, planning something that I knew wasn't gonna happen. Like, I was gonna build a house in Costa Rica, and, you know, that would be somewhere where I would take my son. And, you know, that was something that I actually started the process of doing. And it turned out that was literally something to occupy my mind.

Just kind of distract yourself from reality almost.

Yeah, 100%. And, you know, I don't remember at what point I realized that's what it was. And I'm like, I don't really want this. I honestly can't afford it. And if I did move forward with it, I think it would cause more problems than it would good. So that's what really a good example. I kind of created this facade that was something that allowed me to not think about my situation. And then I kind of had to get back. You know, you have to handle what's in front of you. And my reality was I'm a single dad. And, you know, I've been an entrepreneur. Unfortunately, I've had the luxury of being able to, you know, go into work at whatever time and what. And leave early if I needed to. But I'm also a workaholic. So things kind of clash.

Another way to distract yourself from reality.

Yeah. And so it was just. It was tough. And I'm probably not doing myself any justice trying to explain this, because I probably sound like an idiot going from one end to the other, but I think that everybody, you know, whether you lost your significant other to. From passing away, or you're a widower, or because you got divorced for whatever reason, you are left with a pit in your stomach that is kind of permanent or semi permanent. Mine's permanent. No doubt. And, you know, you have to. You know, at some point, you have to realize that life is going to go on regardless of how you feel or regardless of whether or not you have a spouse or don't. You know, life's going to move on. So you have to understand that. You have to realize that. Okay, well, I want to move along with life. In fact, I want to be ahead of it. And, you know, you have to, you know, make that. That mental shift that we've talked about before.

Yeah.

And figure out, you know, okay, my dreams are. And what. And what I foresee in the future are completely different, night and day, from what they were.

Yep.

But I need to have them again.

Yeah.

So create them. And my passion is traveling. And I did a lot of that, man.

Yeah.

And. Helped me. As my son got old enough, I started taking him to places that. That. That I could. You know, I didn't take him out of the country or anything, but, you know, it. It. I. That was kind of my thing. It's like my passion has always been traveling, but traveling with my wife was, you know, something that I had a vision of.

Of doing, and it was no longer an option.

Correct. So I ended up traveling by myself. I. I've made a lot of friends all over the world. I've had friends that have been in remote areas of the world, from Dubai to all over Europe. And so, you know, I've. I've traveled to 53 countries to date, and that's incredible. You know, a lot of it was solo, but going to visit somebody that I knew that was either working, you know, for one reason or another. So I guess my point is my pivot was, all right, my passion is still traveling, and I'm not going to not do it because of what's happened. So I did it. And it. It was. It has been therapeutic. It's been.

Well, I helped you heal in a lot of ways, too.

It. Yes and no. You know, it's one of those things. It's like, you know, you think about the what ifs. They were how you originally saw them, but they are what they are and I'm fortunate enough to be able to. To be here wherever. Wherever that whatever here was, you know.

Yeah.

And so I guess kind of our, our topic today is for those of you who, you know, had dreams and had visions of, of what you wanted to do before whatever happened that caused your spouse to not be in your life anymore, or at least in a good way, you know, do you have, have you recreated new ones and are you doing it?

Yeah.

And if so, share those with everybody.

Yeah.

And if not, why not? Yeah. You know, that's what we want to try and encourage everybody to do is. Is get to a different place.

Yeah.

And obviously my situation is. Is different and there's probably. Well, there are more divorced single dads out there than widowers. So why don't you share a little bit about what you did and have done and what things look like before and how they look now?

Yeah, I think one of my mentors told me this and it's just really stuck with me. The number one sign for a healthy heart and a healthy person is that they're able to dream again. And if you aren't able to dream again in your new reality, then it means you're not healthy. And I know that sucks to hear, but I think if you don't accept that reality, you'll never change it. I think the number one way to start getting healthy is to acknowledge that this situation that I'm in now sucks. And if you can't do that, you will never move past it. I'm. I'm just being honest because there are people that I know, even family members that have gone through separation, through divorce, wife left them, they left, whatever, and they still will not admit, dang, that sucked. Their focus is kept on, you know, f that person or what, they did this to me or whatever. And as there's still a revenge or vengeful feeling that does that gets you nowhere, absolutely nowhere. Like, unforgiveness will poison you quicker than anything else, period. But it's like, it's kind of like what we talked about. I don't know if it was on another episode or just us talking one day how if you, if you never take responsibility, you'll never be in control of your own life. And the way, the first way that you start taking responsibility is by saying, dang, this sucks, like it really does. Whether they caused it to you or whether you caused it. Right. Like you have to be able to say this sucks, and then it sucks.

And it's my reality.

Exactly. And what's interesting, man, is that emotions are felt for 30. For 30 seconds. But instead of us letting ourselves feel those emotions for those 30 seconds, we would rather not feel them, ignore them, and let them ruin the rest of our lives. Which I'm not about to do that. You know what I mean?

Now, I hope that nobody out there is about to do that.

Yeah. And it's. It's human nature to want to avoid pain. I get that. I did the same thing. You know what I'm saying? For a minute there, I was just trying to ignore what happened. And then I started saying, you know what? This genuinely sucks. And I would have some nights where I would, you know, cry. But guess What? After those 30 seconds where you feel that and you cry, you feel really good afterwards. And that's how healing begins to happen. And once you start healing, you actually start dreaming. That's what happened with me. Like, as soon as I started accepting the emotions that I was feeling and accepting the reality and accepting that, hey, I didn't just lose my family setting, I lost the future that I had envisioned. Now I need new vision for my future. I need new dreams. And it's okay to have them, but you'll never do that if your focus is always on this person, did this, this person hurt me? And you ignore what genuinely happened. So for me, honestly, the number one thing I did was realize, man, this situation sucks. And then the number two thing I did was I let myself feel those things. Because if you don't feel it, you can't heal it. I mean, I'm just saying. And then once I started healing, I started getting ideas again, because I am an idea junkie. I always have had so many ideas, things that I want to do, things I want to pursue, ways to help people, all this stuff. And for those few months, it's like I couldn't have an idea. And it drove me insane. And it wasn't until I got sick and tired of being sick and tired of not being able to dream that I was able to start dealing with the reality of the situation that I was faced with, the reality that my daughter is now faced with, and knowing that, hey, I can't just sit here and wallow in it. I can't just sit here and hate on her, because that's not going to change anything, period, at all, whatsoever. There's like, we're part of some single dad groups, and the amount of hate that gets thrown on baby Ma and I Get it? You're ticked off, but that just means that you're not over it and ready to move past it, period. You know what I'm saying?

Like ongoing court hearings and, you know, custody battles and, you know, that's something you can't just make go away. That's, that, that's a lot of people's reality. And we get that. And that's something that's in your now that you have to deal with.

And you know, here's, here's the reality about that though, too. The court hearings, the drop offs and the pickups, the child support, the, you know, shallow text message that you're going to be like, receiving from her. All of these things are external things that you can prohibit from affecting you internally. Right. There's a reason why there's a thermostat. That's a thermostat. Right. Not a thermometer. What are the ones inside the house called, bro? Yeah, I'm Mexican, guys give me some grace. But the reason that a thermostat is inside of a house and not on the outside is so that you can dictate the temperature of your house. Same thing with your emotions, same thing with your feelings. Same thing with your, like, mental capacity. You have a choice to allow that person to trigger you inwardly, and you have also have a choice to not let them.

Absolutely.

Period.

Yeah, I was just gonna say that's a great analogy. And now that you know that it's a thermostat, not a thermometer which takes your temperature. But at any rate, if you decide to be proactive in not in showing the person that you're. And you know, you're, I guess maybe mama or whoever you're dealing with, if you show them that. Because there's a lot of spite. A lot of spite. I know this just from the Facebook groups. And you know, if you are proactive in showing them that you're not going to be spiteful back to them. Yep. Then watch what happens, man. Watch what happens. Because when, when you're nice back to them, but not nice in a sarcastic way. Nice in a genuine way. And you know, not, not they're not getting that reaction out of you that they want when they're being spiteful and doing things that they shouldn't be doing, but they're doing it because they, they, they want to be an asshole to you or whatever. Yeah. And you know, be, be proactive and, and let that stuff bounce off of you as hard as it is.

Yeah.

But when you do it, not only do you create a better environment for your kids. Kid or kids. But you also have a mental victory which allows you to realize what you're capable of in so many other situations. Yeah. And if I, you know, I. If I could give advice just from my own wisdom, having been in situations similar, just trust me, if you be. If you're proactive in cutting out the spiteful back and forth crap, just watch what happens. It'll be so freaking awesome.

Yeah. And I know there's probably some guys right now listening and they're thinking, man, I'm going to do that. Because that's really going to piss her off. You've got to change that mindset.

Don't do it to piss them off.

You've got to change the mindset. You. There's so many people that say the best revenge is growing, and that's how you get back at them. And I'm like, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I'm like, don't grow to get back at someone. Grow. Because you never want to regret losing yourself again. You know what I'm saying? Because more than likely what happened was the reason that you were left or the reason that you, like, weren't happy in that situation anymore is because that scenario, that relationship at to some degree, you allowed it to make you lose yourself. That's what happened with me. I allowed it to make me lose a part of myself. And then at that moment, I didn't like myself. When I didn't like myself. I did not like the person that I was with. I did not like the person that I was talking to. So I have been on a jerk, on a journey where I am growing because I never want to lose myself again. And you lose yourself a little bit and a little bit more and a little bit more any single time that you receive a text message from them and then you. You give them like a little bit if you bite. Yeah. I'm like, dude, you guys, we're better than that. We're adults here. We're grown men, so let's act like it and be unfazed by what people do and situations on the outside of us. And I know that sounds like super clich and probably sounds impossible and insensitive, but at the end of the day, it's like, if you. If we can get to the point where we know how to handle ourselves, then you're going to attract really good people. Period.

Period.

Period. And it might not be tons of them. Your circle might be small, but you're Going to have high quality people in your corner, and then you're probably going to attract a high quality woman that is loyal and that loves you for you. And now you don't have to change for that person because you're just so focused on growing and they've fallen in love with who you are. So don't get lost in the mess. Like, I know it's easy. I did it, too. And there's times where I still want to, you know, just give a little bite back sometimes, but I stop myself because it's just not worth it at the end.

It's not worth it for. For you, your. Your mental state and obviously your kids, you know, and they're caught in the middle. They're affected just by a divorce and having to go to mom, dad, meet new significant others and all those things. But there's a. There's a way. There's some people out there going, you don't know my ex. You don't know my ex.

Yes, and I.

And I know there's those situations, and.

We don't need to know your ex. We just need to know you, period.

Be a man and do. I don't know that I don't know anyone's particular scenario, but I can assure you that if you take the higher road, and trust me, I understand and comprehend that it gets old sometimes, but take the higher road and continue to do it, even though, you know, you think. Or she. She thinks she's getting more W's and you're getting more L's. Don't keep score, you know, quit keeping score. I see so many people doing that. W for me. W for me. And you know, if. When you're keeping score, that it means that you're. You're mentally not handling things as well as you could be. And I guess that's the point I want to get across is. Is just figure out what if. If I handled things this way, what would the outcome be?

Keep. Keep going on that really quickly. I got a piece. So bad.

All right, well, we're gonna just have to edit that out.

I don't think so.

All right, well, let the guy go pee. But I'll continue to. I'll continue to yap. But, you know, when you're feeling, like, defeated and the situation is like. It's almost like feeling. Feeling like you've been accused of a crime you didn't commit, because people on the other side can't see the truth for their infinite reasons. But the bottom line is you very well feel like, man, I Feel like I'm being accused of a crime I didn't commit and I'm being punished for it, and it's bullshit. And you know, as much as first and foremost, if that's the case for you, what do you think you can do about it? Is it something that you can fight and win? Because if so, then I would encourage you to do that. But if it's just going to cause or prolong negativity or eliminate or prevent you from moving forward, forward with your. With your own life, then, you know, cut your losses and move on. And I know it's easier said than done, but I'm just trying to get you to think, you know, when you're in certain situations, think about the outcome. If I do this, what's going to happen? And if I don't do this, what's going to happen and what's best for your kid or kids and what's best for you and moving forward, the fastest and most effective way, you know, what's.

Best for your kid is that you're happy. Because if you're happy, you'll be a happy dad and you'll be a good dad, and if you're keeping score, you will never be happy. If it's about winning and losing, you will. You will sacrifice happiness just to be able to win because it will bring things out of you that you don't want to do that you. Words, like stuff, like characteristics out of you that you don't want to have, but you know that it will get you that w. Or it'll get that person to shut up. And I'm like, this is one thing that I realized right after I got divorced. I was like, if I would have been more focused on. On just making this relationship happy instead of me winning a discussion and me winning an argument and her trying to win an argument or her, then maybe things would have been different. Right? And that's now what I implement in my new relationship. Like, I'm like, hey, I'm not here to try and win because if I'm trying to win, that means it's me versus you. And a relationship has to be. It's us together versus the thing that we're battling. And if you're going to want to eventually have a good relationship, then I think you need to start rewiring your mindset like that because we're creatures of habits. And if you are facing people as. As in a competitive way and a comparison way, and like, it's me versus you, it's. I'm right or you're wrong, or I'm wrong and you're right, then you will always become defensive and you'll never be a great listener. And the next relationship that happens, guess what? You're going to repeat the same exact.

Mistakes, and you're going to drag all that, Those nasty habits and that mindset into it. Yeah. And that's why I say take the higher road. React in a way by thinking, what's the outcome? All right. And if you do get a W, what does that look like? And how long does it last? That feeling of, okay, I won F you. You know, it's like, guess what?

You're going to have to try and get another one the next two days when you're talking to them again.

Exactly.

That's exhausting. And if you're always focused on winning and losing, you're never going to be able to dream again because your focus is going to be so shallow. But if you focus on I just want to be happy and I want my kid to be happy, then you can start dreaming again. Because a happy person lives a fulfilled life, and a fulfilled life includes dreaming and having aspirations.

And I almost want to replace the word dreaming with doing because. Or having goals.

Exactly.

And, you know, it's not, it's not about a dream. I, you know, aspire one day to be able to do this. It's. It's. I'm going to do this, and this is what I have to do to make that happen. Yeah. And the first thing you have to do is cut off all the BS that you have with baby mama or ex wife or ex. Whatever and. Or three baby mamas. I mean, who knows? I. I don't. Everyone has different situations. But the, the longer you take part in a battle, you are losing. And you're never going to be in a spot where you feel like you're ahead of things.

Yep. And this, this is how your conversation with your baby mama should go and should always be handled. And there's one thing that I've learned. It has to be like almost a work relationship, period, at your job with your co worker. There is no winning or losing. You're both working towards one goal and everything. The policies, the rules, the way to get there, it's all laid out. The job description. You know what you're supposed to do, they know what they're supposed to do. Guess what? That's what your court orders are.

Yep.

It tells you exactly black and white. This is what's supposed to happen. Anything else does not matter because everything that you need to have a successful co parenting life is there in those court orders. So if they start getting emotional with you, you're not going to get emotional with a co worker. That's how you start getting drama at work. Like, and unless you're a drama queen, you want to deal with all that, then go for it. But that's not what I want to do. I want to enjoy where I work. Right. And so treat it as a coworker, as literally a work relationship. If she texts you saying, well, you this and this and this and that, just say, hey, this is what the court order says.

Take it to hr.

Yeah, literally. Literally. That's just why I'm handling it this way. Because this is what's in the court orders. And if you don't like them, then go ahead and serve me and we can go to court and talk about it in front of our quote unquote boss. But I'm not gonna do this little game with you right here. I'm not gonna give that to you because I, I got too much going on.

Yeah.

Like if you start lashing out at these little things, then guess what? You're telling that person, you're telling them that I don't have enough going on in my life to keep me occ and mentally like satisfied that I need to do this with you right now and that's just gonna make you seem.

Weak and, and I'm popping off.

I'm sorry, but I'm really passionate about this.

Well, that's, and that's the mindset they have. If that's what they're doing, they don't have shit going on in their life. If they're popping off to you and causing, you know, I mean, wasting time by having to go and go, go to HR or go to court or, you know, it's, it's time wasting. And if they're being spiteful, they're the ones that don't have going on in their lives. Sorry for the language, but I mean show them that you do and walk the freaking straight line, follow the freaking rules and move on with your life.

You are too good and you have too much greatness in you to let other people bring you down and other outside voices. Like I'm just saying, period, if you want to be the best you that you can be, then you don't let anybody's voice dictate the path that you're on and your emotions. And that goes along with, with the whole baby mamas. And if there's a baby mama listening to this or a single mom, Same thing. If you got a toxic single, like, you know, ex, baby daddy, whatever you want to call them, you have to treat it the exact same way. You have too much going on in your life. You have too much greatness to let these little sly comments move you from your lane. Like, if you're driving down the highway and you get distracted by every little bird that passes by, you're gonna wreck, period. But if you're focused on the direction that you're going, you're not going to waver and you're not going to let these things affect you. And that is exactly how you have to treat these situations. If you want to grow and if you want to be a great example for your kid, if you want to be a terrible example, then go for it. Bicker all you want. Bicker, bicker, bicker. Show them why she left you. Show them why you left her and why it didn't work. And then show them that in the next three marriages that end up failing and.

Yeah, exactly. I was just about to say show whoever is attempting to date a single dad that it's impossible to. Because you're still throwing your phone on the floorboard every time you get a text that pisses you off. Nobody's got to put up with that shit. So, I mean, you have to, you know, demonstrate to, you know, there's a lot, A lot of people that out there that won't date men that have baby mamas in the picture. And. But there's a lot of women that will when they see that you handle it like a man.

You know what baby mama drama is? Honestly, women that don't want to date guys that have baby mamas because of baby mama drama. It's because the guy lets it affect them.

Yep.

And then it affects the relationship. Your, your other person, whatever. Your kid's mom or kid's dad could be the worst human being in the past human being possible, could be super toxic, could be like next level Kardashian drama queen, you know what I'm saying? But if you are good in yourself, you will not let it affect you, which then won't overflow into relationships. So then girls will see you and be like, man, this dude, like this baby. There is no baby mama drama because he stops it because he doesn't egg it on. Right. Something. I remember dating, like, one girl who she didn't even have a baby daddy, but it was just like someone that she lived with and they still had some things connected and they would just bicker back and forth, like on text messages while I'm driving and I'm sitting there like, okay, this is done fast.

Can I get the hell out of here?

Exactly. I'm like, this is done because I'm not about to put up with whatever the heck you like. Figure that out. You know what I'm saying? And if you can just figure out your stuff, period, then all the other stuff will come. And if you didn't listen to our self care like episode the one before this, then go and listen to it because I highly recommend it. If you are not taking care of yourself, you will end up bickering and you will bring yourself to a low level, which will make you super unattractive to people. And more than that, it's just not going to make you happy.

Drop the mic.

I think that's it, bro. I think that's it on this episode. That was really good episode. I don't know what you guys think.

Yeah, I mean, we don't want to be redundant.

Yeah.

You know, I think our point's clear. And hopefully, hopefully some of you, anybody got something out of this and it will change your mindset and if it.

Rubbed you the wrong way, let us know too.

But again, thank you guys for listening, watching. We, we genuinely wouldn't be doing this if we weren't helping people. And sometimes we, we get passionate about stuff like that, bro.

If you're not passionate about it, it's not worth doing.

Exactly. So thanks for tuning in, guys. We'll see you on the next one.