How to handle my ex dating someone so fast.

Hey, you're listening to the Single Dads podcast, a podcast for single dads by single dads. In this podcast, you're going to be encouraged and hopefully given some practical tools to be able to become the parent that you've always wanted to be and that you know you can be. Hopefully, this podcast encourages you. Make sure that you download the Single Dads podcast app to join our community. Hope you enjoy the show.

What's up, everyone?

Season 4 that went by fast, man.

Season 4, Episode 1 Crazy.

I know it went by really fast. I hope everyone's enjoying. Well, I know you guys are enjoying the content because I can see, you know, how many people are listening to the actual podcast, and it seems like the numbers have been super consistent. And it just makes me, and I know Scott, so grateful that we're able to, you know, that you've invited us into a part of your life. We're so grateful for that. And so we're excited. Season four, man. I feel like every season just keeps getting better and better and better. Right, bro?

Absolutely.

Yeah. And today we're going to talk about something cool, and we're going to talk about it because it came through our app. If you have not downloaded the Single Dads podcast app, make sure you do that. You can do that on Android or iPhone. We're about to release a really cool feature where you're just able to have a open support group via text. And then of course, there's also going to be video support groups that are going to be launching also. But this way you can connect with people that are around you or across the globe that are going through the same things that we're all facing, and it's just good to have that support. Now, with that being said, though, this is going to be a lot more positive than your single dad groups that are in Facebook.

Yeah, we're not going to have a bunch a lot of negative bitching about baby mamas and all that stuff. It's literally the. The purpose of it is to seek support, give support, get it, and create a community. Yeah, that's the. The whole purpose of the app. I actually had somebody DM me and said, you know, why are you. Why do you have an app? And why don't you just direct people to the podcast?

And.

Because it's. It's an app that's not just. Yeah, our podcast is on there, of.

Course, but it's not for that.

But it's not the. That's not the. The full intent. It is to build a community for single Dads to get support in a way that they can't get it in these stupid whack ass Facebook groups. Sorry if you like some of them, but yeah, they're fucking whack.

Yeah, they're just like venting. Just, it's just not good. Like, I want, I want people to come into our app and know that you're going to learn some stuff, you're going to grow, you're going to heal, you're going to become better. And that's the focus.

And we're getting people in which we have control over. We, we can restrict who, who we let in and who we don't, but at the end of the day we want people that like man, people like Matt that come curfew, Jay, Miguel. Miguel. Like these guys that, that I've had contact with via dms. I mean like those are the guys that I know are getting like, getting something from this and you guys are, are the ones that make us keep going and that make us want to invest our time, resources and money into this. Because this is not, not a. For us. We literally, this, this costs us and we enjoy investing our time, money and resources otherwise we wouldn't do it. But we're doing it for you guys and we hope our, our goal is we're not going to stop until we build a community which was an effective community. Effective community. And the, the app is the catalyst for that.

And, and it's because you guys have things that we need as well. Like everyone's gone through certain situations and has certain perspectives and insight and wisdom that everybody can pull from and that's what this is just going to be. It's going to be like a app for just single dads that just want to pedal to the metal when it comes to being a great dad. When it comes to like designing life, when it comes to, I mean anywhere from all that all the way to like business, which is super exciting. Like if you want to start a business and stuff like that, like there's going to be some resources in there for that as well. And so I'm so excited about it. That's why this episode is even coming to you is because of somebody that messaged us through the apps about a specific issue that they were dealing with also.

Yeah, so one of the pages in the app right now is, I don't know what's it titled? Share your topic or like topic requests. Topic request. Yeah. So I'm not going to say anyone's name, but I got a request from somebody and then I Emailed them back and got some more details. And basically this individual is going through what we all, a lot of us anyway, know to be very tough time when you are in the process of a divorce or, you know, it's about to like, actually take place or it just took place. You haven't started dating anyone, but you're. You see your ex starting to date someone. Ouch. That hurts.

Yeah, yeah, that's. That's a tough one. And it's painful. It's really painful. And if it's not painful, then you aren't in the right relationship or you weren't invested into it. And if it's not painful, then yeah, I mean, you also probably were robot. You know what I mean?

Exactly. But that the reason we're bringing it up is we have some tips, if you will, to hopefully help the individual and anyone else out there that is currently or will.

Yeah.

Have the same issues and struggles.

Yeah.

And, you know, this is kind of something that Frank specializes in with his coaching business. And we were kind of discussing it downstairs earlier and I kind of, you know, just from my, my previous experiences and whatnot, kind of said what he then put into a much more like, I guess, curriculum, like format and broke it down. So I'm going to let Frank kind of kick things off, I guess, with a good way to handle the. The struggles, the mental, the emotional, the frustrations, the anger, all. All of it. Because they all come from one place. Yeah, you know, it's. And it's something that you, you brand and I'll let you go, Frank.

Yeah, no, of course. So this is obviously a really, really tough subject for any, especially when kids are involved because there's a whole nother layer. But I do want to be very upfront with you and very honest that what I'm going to share with you, it is. It is absolutely effective. It's not like this is something that I have an opinion on. This is something that has been. It's. It's a proven process at this point. It's a proven process that has helped now hundreds of people that have worked with me, and it can help you as well. And so obviously you don't have to pay for this. So this is great as well. But it's up to you to actually do the work. And please hear me out. When I say actually do the work, I mean actually do it. Don't just think it, do it. You're gonna notice a massive difference with it. Okay. And first off, we're gonna start off with awareness because, like, Scott always says the key to everything is awareness. When we bring something into the light and we see it for what it is, then we can begin to work on it.

Word.

And so let's get aware of what's actually happening here. Okay? So you run into your ex, or you go to drop off the kids, and you notice that she's seeing somebody. This dude's gonna be around your kids now, and maybe your. Your thoughts just start cycling because you're human. You're just thinking about, you know, well, what is she doing with him? How is she? And then. And then she posts something on social media that she's, like, out and about with him doing something that you always wanted to do, but. But she never wanted to do with you. And then that creates another cycle of just crazy thoughts, of, like, well, why the heck did she never do that with me? And she's treating him this way, but me that way. Right? And then. And then the suffering begins. And here's the number one thing I want you to know, okay? Pain from heartbreak is inevitable. It is inevitable. You're going to experience pain. It's the suffering that's optional. Okay? Now, with pain, there's an actual biochemical change that happens in our body that shifts our emotions, that makes us feel a type of way. Now, that change can actually only happen scientifically for 90 seconds, max. That means that your pain, whatever it is that you go through in life, you're going to experience pain. And that pain will happen for 90 seconds. If it lasts longer than that, it turns into suffering. And suffering is created by us.

How?

You've heard me talk about this before. By our thoughts, by our mind. Okay? So the first thing that I want to address is that we give people the power to please us, to give us, to bring pleasure into our lives or to bring pain into our lives by one thing and one thing only. It's the most powerful force in the world that we give other people identity. Identity. Exactly. Exactly. For example, I have a cousin. This cousin was merely a cousin until he became a police officer. Once I establish, and everybody else established the identity of a police officer to my cousin, we no longer see him as our cousin because he is a police officer. So now drugs. Yeah. So now there's like a shift, right, that begins to happen. It has to because of the identity that is presented. And it was like, I was telling Scott this before we even started filming. We're downstairs hanging out a little bit, and I was like, bro, if somebody came up to you in the middle of the street, and they're just like, Scott, you're an idiot. You're this, that and start giving you the finger. You wouldn't think about twice, think about it twice. You just walk away and be like, what? That dude's crazy. Whatever. You would give it no power over you.

Most of us would, but.

Yeah, well, yeah, exactly. Emotionally strong men would, would respond the way that I just.

Those that want to stay out of jail would. Yes.

Those who aren't Will Smith. Oh, I know you guys saw that I did that. What a week. Sorry, I'm not gonna go in on that.

Don't go into it because every, everyone.

In their, everyone's got their own little opinion. And the right opinion is that that was a massive sale of weakness back on track. But it's, it's identity. So for example, in this situation, right, like I was telling Scott, if somebody did that to him, that person has no power over him because that person has the identity of a stranger, of a nobody, of somebody who does not mean anything. But if it was somebody that he loved and cared for, in other words, a best friend, that is an identity that he has now placed on that human. And if that person said that to him, it'd probably carry a little bit more weight. It probably hit a little bit deeper. The same thing is happening here. Okay. This is merely a woman, right. And I know that sounds insensitive, but you got to think about it very.

Neutrally before and before you proceed, let's, let's kind of keep going with the best friend thing because I think it's a good, good analogy to kind of run parallel with what you're about to say. That could be taken insensitively. So if my best friend says, you know, fuck you, Scott, you, you know, you're this, you're that and whatever, he got pissed off at me or who, whatever, and I'm hurt now. I, you know, I feel like, you know, I have all these emotions. No different than, yeah, you know, with your ex. Because now it's my ex best friend. Right? Yeah. So I know that whatever took place, I'm not going to be friends with this individual anymore. And I now have put an identity on them as, alright, this person has lied to me. This person talked shit about me to other people that wasn't true. This person has done just all these things that really just make me pissed off. And that's why I don't want to.

Be a friend with him that dishonor and disrespect you.

So now take that and I just Wanted to use that as an example, kind of as an analogy. Now go. Go with what you're going to say about.

Yeah, no, so what I like that. What I like about what Scott just said, it's so true. Because what happens at that. At that point is now you're lowering that person from the pedestal that you once held them on. You're changing. You're beginning to change their identity. So now that person's words don't carry as much weight. The beautiful thing is you can do the exact same thing with your ex. Now, I know we think it's impossible because of the history that we have, but it is not.

A lot of people are sitting there saying, easier said than fucking done.

And it's actually pretty easy done if you do the work. And I'm telling you, I've seen it time and time again, I promise. So we've got to change her identity, because if she can know what's happening right now is you're probably still identifying her as your wife as the right one, as your person, as your future. Right? And if that person is with somebody else, of course, of course that's gonna hurt.

Duh.

Right? But you can simply start to shift that again by perspective. Whenever you think about the right one, whenever you think about the person that you want to be with for the rest of your life.

Let's just.

Let's just hit. Nip this in the butt real quick. That person that you're envisioning is that person loving, loyal, and choosing you constantly, more than likely in your head. And if she's not, then you got to readjust who the right one is for you.

There are reasons she is now your ex. What are those reasons? Did she lie to you? Did she cheat on you? Did she. Is she a narcissist? Is she a sociopath? Whatever. Is it a series of things? Do you guys just not get along?

Yeah.

So.

Or does she merely just not choose you?

Or. Yeah, if she didn't choose you, let her go. Choose someone else. If you. If you genuinely love her and care for her, you want her to be happy. So look at. Look at this as a potential way for her to be happy. Will it sting? Will it hurt? Yes. But as Frank said, you have control over how bad it hurts because you can change the way you identify it or her as that person that is your ex. Now, for reasons, think about those reasons.

Exactly.

And identify her as that liar, as a cheat, as a sociopath, whatever.

Maybe not to that degree, but I. Exactly what you're saying. Change the identity, you change what you're experiencing. Period. Period. So merely just, you know, her identity can now be that this was somebody who I loved and cared for and there was a time where they loved and they cared for me, and then they chose that they wanted something different. And that has nothing to do with me. That has everything to do with them. And I'm okay with that. If anything, thank you. Because now you freed me up to be with somebody who's not going to cap out on me, just like you are not willing to. You weren't willing to cap out on that person when you want that reciprocated. And can you see, when you start looking at it that way and you really start focusing on it like that, it almost makes you not angry to the. Because anger is such a surface level way of, of protecting ourselves. Right. Like.

And let me interrupt you real quick so I can rewind and apologize because what I just said was. It was hyperbole. It was. Sorry, I was being sarcastic. I don't genuinely want anyone to think she's a effing narcissist or she's a cheat. She's a liar. Because you have, you have to co parent with her. And.

Yeah.

You know, so I, I just want, I just wanted to circle back and let. Let everyone know. Yeah, that's. I'm not encouraging anyone to think she's, you know, but I do want you to think about the things that are causing you not to be together and brand that identity on her. Yeah. And in a healthy way.

Exactly. That's. That's my kid's mom. That's way different than she's my significant other. Way, way different. My daughter has a mom. I co parent with that mom. That mom does not carry the identity of a significant other. So she can do whatever she wants. Like she's doing really great with her business right now or whatever. All that stuff that is not attractive to me, it doesn't build desire in me for her. Why? Because she does not carry the identity of somebody that I want to be with. It's just not there. And so once you begin to shift the identity, that's going to relieve already, already so much pain from you. Right. You just have to be willing to do it. And if you're saying it's so much easier said than done, then guess what? It is going to be so much easier said than done. Because what you focus on, your brain is gonna give you all the evidence to provide that. That truth. Right. So the next thing is, I was telling Scott we Are you gotta realize that we are all habitual creatures. We are creatures of habit.

Yes.

And we run off of habits. Now, habits are great because it means that we don't really have to think and we function. But that's also kind of a scary place to be when we don't know what those habits exactly are. And we weren't intentional about creating those habits. Now, there's three habits that are happening right now that are really honestly creating a lot of your suffering. And I want you to become aware of these and write these down. The first habit is the habits of focus. Okay? As humans, we always focus on these three things. Scott, you tell me which one you think we focus on the most. Do we focus more on the past? Do we focus more on the present? Or we focus more on the future?

Present, future.

Okay, that's. Scott, that is normally high achievers. That's how I am. I technically focus way more on the future, which makes me miss out on the present a lot. So I'm working on being more present. But so many people that are suffering are either focused on the future and what's missing or on the past and what's gone. And that's what's going to create it. Right? So if you're constantly focusing on that, then obviously, you know, there's an adjustment that needs to be made. The next thing is meaning. The next habit is meaning. We attach meaning to every circumstance in our lives. Somebody walks down the street, gives you the finger, you don't respond to it. You attached zero meaning to it. Somebody else does it, that is like, you know, and they lose their stuff. You attach the meaning to that. They were disrespecting me. They were dishonoring me. You see what I'm saying? Like, that's how. That's how these bar fights start and whatnot. So whenever you attaching ego. Yeah, exactly, exactly, exactly. Let go of the ego. That thing's not going to serve you one bit for the rest of your life. But if you attach the meaning. And again, we do this out of habit. So once we become conscious of it, we start working on it, we can start changing the meaning to these situations, which will change our experience, honestly. So what are you making it mean? What's the meaning that you're attaching to it? Whenever you see this dude, are you making it mean that you weren't good enough? Are you making it mean that you weren't good enough for her to fight for? Are you making it mean that you failed as a husband and as a father? Are you making it mean, Mean that you're going to end up alone? Are you making it mean that she's happy and because she's happy and you're miserable, you're going to be miserable for the rest of your life? What are you making it mean?

Well, in this, in, in this individual that wrote in's case, right. He mentioned that she, you know, I, I don't remember if he. I apologize for not remembering if you did tell me, but I don't recall the time frame of their splitting up.

Yeah.

He just said that he had not started dating yet. She had. So I guess because she was first to dive into the. Whatever it, it kind of stings because maybe, you know, he, he thinks is. Maybe it's too soon for her to, you know.

Yeah, but who are you to say exactly.

You got. You guys decided. You guys both decided or whether you.

Both, more than likely, you both didn't decide.

Probably. I don't know how amicable it is, but at the end of the day, you're not with her anymore. You're not going to be with her anymore. Hence you're getting a divorce. Yeah. And you need to start thinking like that. You need to start seeing her as your ex wife and want her to be happy. Because if she's happy, that, that makes a lot easier to deal with. The co. Parent. Yeah. When they're happy.

Yeah. Well, and there, there's, there's the second point that we were talking about, meaning if, if he was dating. So if, if you were dating somebody else and then she started dating somebody else, there probably be a different meaning. Of course you would make it mean something different. But here's the thing. You don't have to accept everything that your brain gives you. You just don't. Because a lot of it is lies. It's trying to protect you, but it protects you at the cost of yourself, literally. This is why you see people that never take risks in life because it's safer. And then they die with tons and tons of regret. It's because your brain was protecting you all your life. So congratulations, you were protected all your life and safe. But now you're living with regret and you're on your deathbed with regret. You see what I'm saying? Like your brain is gonna trick you and betray you, thinking that, oh, this is what's best for me, but it's not. So you don't have to accept that meaning when you identify what you're actually making it mean. And be honest. Like be very honest. The Bible talks about how the truth will set you free. And then Paul in the Bible also says that we need to be honest with our self evaluation with what's actually going on. Right. So be honest. What am I actually making it mean? Am I making it mean that? Dang, dude, I feel like I wasn't good enough? Am I making it mean that now that she moved on so fast, it's gonna be impossible for me to find somebody else? Or it's gonna be a long time, or I'm gonna be lonely, and because I'm lonely, I'm gonna be miserable. Because if you're lonely, guess what? You don't have to be miserable. It gives you the freedom to do any hobbies that you want.

Lonely for a lot of people is great freedom.

Yes, yes, exactly. It's like, so what are you making this mean? Write it down and then choose if you want to accept it or not. And if you don't want to accept it, create a new meaning. And it can look something like this. This simply just means that she was probably feeling lonely and she went and she met some dude and she wanted to be in a relationship with him.

That's it. Or to be honest, does it have.

To be more than that?

You got. You guys are splitting up, so maybe she's felt that a lot longer than you. Maybe. I don't know.

Yeah. If she left, more than likely.

You don't. You don't start feeling it post splitting up. No, you start. That's why you split up. Because you're Exactly. Somebody starts feeling that way, and that's, you know, unfortunately, maybe she started feeling it before you did and that's what caused this whole thing. Yeah, and that's something that, at the end of the day, you have to accept. And, you know, I. I will wish you the best, man, but you have to do exactly. Exactly what?

Yeah, and I'm telling you, if you just grab. Just grab a glass of whiskey, a beer, coffee, your drink of choice, whatever the heck you want, sit down for 30 minutes, go outside, like at a park, put some headphones and listen to some music. Or just have, like, some, like, sounds playing in your head right through the headphones, obviously, and just start doing this type of work, you're going to discover a lot about yourself, and you're going to be grateful that you did, because the more that you learn about yourself, the more that you can change and grow, and the more that you can grow and develop, the happier you're going to be. One of the basic human needs for fulfillment in this life is growth and being able to give. And the more that you learn, the more you can give.

And start putting more focus on what is to come. Because you're not getting back with her. So there's no reason to make yourself miserable over it or depressed or upset because it's not happening. She's moved on. Now it's your turn and start focusing on your career more or start focusing on making more money or whatever interests you. Hanging out with friends that you haven't hung out with since college or whatever.

Or learning a new skill. Man, one of them take up.

Take up some freaking hobbies. I mean, if you play golf, get on the freaking golf course.

Bro, one of my. One of my clients, Bro, one of my clients, literally, after the divorce happened, he was like, man, I always wanted to do wedding photography. Always thought about it. So what'd he do? Two weeks after working with me, when I started helping him design his life, not live it by default, he hit up some lady in his town that does wedding photography. And he did his first shoot that weekend with her as an assistant photographer. And he was doing another one in two weeks, and he fell in love with it. Like, man, this is incredible. I want you to notice this. He would have probably never discovered that passion had she not left him.

Yes. Which is a great segue into something I wanted to say. What things. Think about what things that you do you didn't do while you were married that you wish that you wanted to do. Yeah, sacrifice. Because in every relationship, we make sacrifices, don't we?

Which I'm going to talk about that one day, too.

So that's a whole another episode. But we all make sacrifices to have a relationship ex, you know, and what sacrifices did you make?

Yeah.

And probably a lot.

And that's why you feel lost right.

Now, so you don't have to make those anymore. Yeah, that's a pretty good feeling.

Hey, to no more sacrifices. It's true, though. It's so true. I guarantee you, if you're the one that sent this message and you're listening to this right now, you're probably like, man, you're right. And you're probably already feeling better.

I hope so.

And it's not for any other reason except that you're thinking differently. I want everyone to catch this. You're thinking and looking at this.

Think.

Think about this. You're not saying there is no weeds. You're not saying this isn't happening. You're just choosing how you choose to look at it. So that's why I'm not a positive thinker. It's like, this isn't happening. This isn't happening. Avoid it at all costs. No, I want you to look at what's causing all the pain. Ask better questions, and I promise you, you will feel better and have a better experience through that situation. This is how you get through a divorce and not get stuck in it for 10 years. Because even though the divorce finalized, there's a lot of people that are still stuck mentally, financially, emotionally. And if you get yourself out and free emotionally from the get go, you won't be stuck financially because everything else will follow.

And if. If your ex has already gotten their self out emotionally, well, follow suit.

Yeah. And maybe they haven't. Everybody says that. Oh, I just don't know how they got over me so fast. But you don't know that.

But. But you don't want to hold onto that either and think, well, maybe they haven't. Maybe they're just doing this to make me feel this way.

Yeah.

You know, and you don't want to get caught up in that thought process either.

Yeah. Well, what you need to do is just choose which one serves you right. So if it helps you to think like she's just coping, using that like so that you don't suffer, then fine, take that thought. Whatever. Because you're believing a delusion anyways. Might as well create one that serves you. See what I'm saying, bro? Literally, you are creating this whole delusion that this man is going to walk in, he's gonna bond with my kids more than I am, and then I'm gonna be left out and my kids are gonna love him and she loves him more. And it's like, bro, where is the facts to any of this? There's not. There's not. So pick your delusion. I pick a delusion that's gonna serve me. And I choose to see a perspective in a way that's gonna empower me. And that makes me like rock it mean and makes me grow. And it's not about just being like delusional. No, no, no. It's about. Here's the thing. There's a difference between fear and faith. Okay? Fear is your imagination undirected. It's like going crazy. That's what your imagination is. When you're scared of the future and you're scared of the unknown, it's because your imagination went wild as to what could possibly go wrong. Right. And you're 10 years into the future knowing that I'm going to end up homeless and this and that. And it's just imagination. The only difference with faith and fear is that faith is directed, intentionally directed imagination. That's the only difference. And so direct your imagination. Focus on where you want to go. And then ask yourself, who do I need to become? Who do I need to be to get there? And you're not changing because we don't help people change. When a client comes to me, I tell them, I'm not going to help you change. I'm helping you grow. I'm actually helping you step into who you actually authentically are at your core. That's what's happening here, guys.

I hope that everything that we discussed today helped, especially the individual that wrote in. Yeah, and I hope that's that person influences other people to write in, because we will discuss your topics that you write in, download our app if you haven't, and do it. And I hope you know, we don't have answers for everything, but we. We bring them up, we talk about them, and we throw what we believe to be the positive spins on them. And we talk more about facts than we do our opinions, and we hope that they help as many people as possible.