How to know when to move on.

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Man, we've got a really good and powerful topic today for you guys. It was a topic request, and you know that we love, love, love doing topic requests. So if you ever have one, make sure that you send it in, because we want to make sure that we cover it and that we give you some value specifically to what it is that you're looking for in. In this specific situation in your life. So what we're going to be talking about today is how to know when to move on from your ex. Yes, exactly. This is something that gets brought up a ton, mainly when it comes down to, obviously, like, divorce and heartbreak, because there's still that feeling of like, should I keep holding on to hope? Should I keep fighting for the marriage? Should I keep doing all of this? Right? And with me and Scott were talking about it downstairs a little bit, and we came down to the conclusion that it comes down to really just one thing, One thing that will cover every single area. Doesn't matter your situation, doesn't matter what it is that you've been through. This one area will cover all of it. And that is, you know, that it's time to finally move on and let go when you've lost yourself enough, when you've suffered enough. And obviously that's up to you because you know how much you can take. Right?

But one would hope.

Yeah, yeah, one would hope. And so we kind of want to talk about that just a little bit because we know that everybody is just in different situations in their life, man, and things can be really difficult. And I truly do believe that the moment that you've lost yourself and are sick and tired of losing yourself, that is the moment when you have to decide, okay, it's time to finally let go of this thing and.

Excuse me. One thing that we often talk about is awareness. You hear that word come out of our mouths often on this show. And, you know, I think being aware and knowing what signs to identify, that it's time. And you're hanging on to a memory that is now fictitious. It no longer exists. And it's. It's painful because nobody wants to let go of once. Of what once was. Yeah. Right. And we were also talking about it's not easy. And this sounds kind of like. Like. Like hypocrisy, but it's not easy. But it.

Simple. Yeah.

And. And I'm not like a paradox. Yeah. I mean, it's kind of an oxymoron if you think about it. But. But it really is. The concept is simple. The execution and the process is not simple. It is, you know, but what in life is.

Yeah. Well. And it's not. It. It's. It's hard implementing it because of pain. Because you're gonna have to navigate through pain. Like, it's the grieving process, man. It's literally recognizing that what I thought once was is now dead. And so now I have to rebuild and create what can be.

And it's also like, I think people tend to hang on remembering the good times and that's it. And they have kind of tunnel vision, right?

Yeah.

Of. Of the good times and that. That the feelings and the. The butterflies and the. And the. In some, you know, some cases, maybe the intimacy or. Or whatnot. And.

Yeah.

But when you've identified and become aware that, you know what, I am not happy, and maybe trust is gone. You're identifying. You know, try to, like, if you have to make a pros and cons list.

Yeah.

If you really don't know if it's time and you're trying to figure it out and. And. But don't leave out the things that have caused you guys to get to where you are, which is not in a good place. And in doing so, it'll force you to recall not just the good times, but also the things that got you where you are.

Yeah. And that's not talking bad about somebody. I feel like a lot of people feel bad about this because. About doing something like that, because they're saying, well, I don't want to think of them in a negative aspect. You're not. You're laying out the facts. What's actually in front of you. For example, if you wanted a beer. Right. If you wanted a beer and you only looked at all the good times of a beer and all the good things of a beer. The. The connections that you make with people.

Think about the next morning.

Yeah, exactly. Think about the next morning. Think about the simple fact that if you drink a beer, it's like you're drinking an entire loaf of bread thing, like carbs right now. Now that by us saying that we're not talking crap about beer and we're not Making things up about the beer. We're literally saying what's actual facts about the beer. And when you see it differently, it'll probably make you not want to drink the beer as opposed to have. If you thought about it a different way. Right.

I love that analogy.

I mean, it's. It's powerful because what we look at, it's going to expand. So if you're just constantly looking at how incredible life was, but you're deleting everything that was actual facts of. Maybe you had to forsake some of your hobbies, maybe you had to forsake some of your friendships. Maybe that person was a little controlling. Maybe whenever you came home, there was no peace in the house. And because there was no peace in the house, you couldn't even be the dad that you wanted to be. Right. I was talking to a gentleman today on how he was like, I just miss having my kids every single day. And I was like, okay, but you said that you were miserable, so were you really present every single day with your kids? Were you showing up as the best dad every single day? Or because of the misery that you were experiencing, because you were in a bad emotional state, you didn't show up as the dad you wanted to be, and now you have the opportunity to show up as the dad that you want to be.

Right. And let's elaborate on your analogy a little bit. Right. Because, you know, thinking about a beer, ice cold beer Friday, just got off work with pizza, all the. With whatever, know, whatever.

You're jamming some UFC fights. Yeah.

And then, you know, the third and the fourth, and you're shooting the, you know, you're telling stories and, and having a good time with whomever it is that you're with and enjoying yourself. And you keep drinking those beers and you get to a point where, okay, you're. You, you're not. You don't realize it, but you're not enjoying yourself anymore. Yeah. And how many people that consume alcohol on a semi, regular or regular basis have woken up and said, I'm never drinking another beer again, you know, And. Yeah, that's. That's kind of why I wanted to elaborate, but I think men can kind of relate to this.

Yeah.

Because we've all, We've all done it, whether it was back in college or just generally speaking. And think about. And it's like, we tend to, like, sometimes we have those really bad nights where you have to be told what you did.

Yeah.

The night before.

I've never had that, but I've heard.

Stories okay, well, unfortunately I have. And, and it, and it's kind of an eye opener and it's like, okay, you know, I need to chill out or whatever. But then that Friday comes again and you start all over and you forget about everything. And my point, I guess is what I'm getting at with this is, is you, you so easily with, with a, with beers or alcohol, whatever, your choice of whatever is you, you have that miserable experience after the fact or at some point and it's like kind of going up a hill and then down and at the bottom it's real crappy. And well. But we all make the decision to do it again.

Yeah.

Now apply that to your ex. And is it a cycle similar to that?

More than likely, yes.

And if it is, then is what you're doing is you're remembering the good times and blocking out the bad.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And that's man. Pain and pleasure for everyone that's listening. Pain and pleasure we create that we.

Literally do 100% with, with the way.

We choose to look at things is how we create pain and pleasure. And so you can create a lot of pain by saying, that was the best it was ever going to get. It's never going to get any better than that. I'm never going to be happy again. It's a lot of pain. And that's a lot of things that we entertain.

Exactly.

Or you can do what we're saying and you can highlight the facts of the actual relationship and you might be able to create some pleasure by saying, you know what? Now I actually have the opportunity to spend time with my family and not be reamed about it constantly. Now I have the time to actually go and hang out with my friends and invest into them and without being blown up about where am I at? What are you doing that when you know you're not doing anything wrong? Now I have the opportunity to meet someone that I can connect with and that I'm able to be vulnerable with without them attacking me because of the situation. So you're a lot of pleasure.

That is. And, and you're saying you're talking to people that have the ability to be forward thinking in a positive light, which.

Is, we're just humans. It's a choice.

You're right.

You're.

I'm glad you said that. Yeah, this is exactly what I was going. But yeah, I mean you. We all have a choice. And what Frank was saying is, is spot on. And we have, we need to make that decision and be like forward thinking. If you Realize that. All right. I'm. I'm actually trying to create what isn't there anymore. What once was.

Yeah.

But it's next to impossible to do, so. Otherwise you wouldn't be where you are now.

Yeah, yeah. So which.

Which brings up the question and. And the topic here.

Yeah. Yeah.

At what point do you move on? Are you hanging on for the wrong reasons? Are you hanging on because you think it's better for or kid or child? You know, when you start doing it for other people instead of yourself, then the answer is likely. You're probably doing it for the wrong reasons.

Yeah. Yeah. And you can create it how you want to be. Like, you could paint out the picture that this is what's best for the kids, but you can also paint the picture that that's not what's best for the kids.

Exactly.

You can do both. It's just. What are you choosing to entertain?

Trying to please yourself or trying to please other people or trying to please what society says you should or. You know, there's so many different scenarios, and at the end of the day, what we talked about before is what is one simple way to. Anyone can apply it to their situation.

Yeah.

And you said it.

Yeah, exactly. And I just want to challenge you to, like, really look at who you're fighting for in that moment. Like, really look at it like what we've been saying with the beer. Are you fighting for someone who is willingly and continually choosing to hurt you? Are you fighting for somebody that you're actually not really aligned with? Who is it that you're fighting for? Are you fighting for someone who's calling you to be better, who's actually still showing up for you? You see what I mean? Because that. That's the reality of it. And we have to be willing to see it through the lens of what it actually is. Because as humans, we tend to make things worse than they are. Right. Like, you might be a little chubby and you're like, oh, I'm crazy overweight, or we make things better than they are. Like, you're really fat, but you think you're not that bad. No, don't make it better than you think it is. Don't make it worse than you think it is. Make it what it is, is, period. And then handle that situation and.

Make the decision. I mean, we're talking about things to help you make the decision of being aware. And is it time to move on? And in. In. I'm not going to say in every case, because in some cases there might.

Be.

Something to fight for there. But, yeah, I don't. I don't want to give false hope to situations that are irreparable.

No, it's. It's up to you. It really is. That's why this is, like. It's very specific, but it's also vague because you're the one that has to make that decision. For example, I made that decision when I was no longer myself. I was constantly getting triggered and upset with people that I love. I was not present with my little girl anymore. I got way, way, way out of shape, and I wasn't even, like, dreaming anymore. And it was all because I was holding on to something that was costing me that. And then I made the decision of. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired of dealing with this. So I'm going to let that go because it's costing me more in the long run. It's costing me the relationship with my kid. It's costing me the relationship with my family. It's costing me the relationship with my friends. It's costing me a potential career custom.

Your relationship with yourself.

Exactly. It's costing me my identity.

Your identity, exactly.

And you.

You let yourself go. You get out of shape or whatever. And that just makes it that much more difficult.

Yeah.

To be able to move on because you. You develop insecurities and you develop the. The thoughts of, well, no one's gonna love me like she did or, yeah, they did or whatever. And, you know, it's like.

And it's like, really, nobody's going to love you to the point where they can leave you. You see what I mean? Like, we do this. We do this to ourselves. Like, no one's going to love me the way that that person loved me, but that person chose to leave me. Okay, maybe somebody will love you to a point where they choose to not leave you because you know what you dealt with and you know what you were willing to fight through. And more than likely, if you're the one that has tons of regret and feeling like this, you would have gone above and beyond for that person to make it work. So why not use this as an opportunity to find someone that would do the exact same thing for you?

Well, what about for those who are fearful of moving on? Fearful of how the next, like, person they go. They start dating, they're. They're fearful that all these things are going to happen to them again. That's so common. And you hear so many people say, like, well, you know, I'm gonna. Somebody's gonna cheat on me.

Again.

Someone's gonna lie to me again.

Yeah.

Someone's gonna, you know, stab me in the back again or say things about me that aren't true or whatever the case may be. I love this. And you know, that mindset is extremely unhealthy because you can't control people, bro. You can't. You, you, you can only put your best foot forward thinking positively.

Yeah.

And whatever happened in your previous relationship, slash, relationships is needs. They need to be lessons learned so you can move forward in a better way.

Yeah.

In a more positive way.

Yeah.

And if someone does that to you, it's probably because you allow it.

Yep. See, this is how I attack that. Because that's a genuine fear that we all have. Like the number one fear that every human has is the fear of not being loved. That's universal. Everyone is looking for love. Everybody. That is it.

Fear of or feeling non deserving of.

Exactly. Yeah. Which is the same ties to the same root. So this is how I like to paint it out. Okay. This is like a beautiful illustration.

All right. I'm looking for it.

When a. When an eagle lands on a tree, Scott, is the eagle worried about the tree falling?

That's a rhetorical question.

Well, I'm asking if the eagle is.

That weak minded, then yes.

Okay.

No. So the eagle is not worried about the tree falling. Go along with your deal here.

So why, why isn't the eagle worried about the tree falling over?

Because it hasn't happened before.

Okay? That's what most people say. And most people say because it knows that the tree is firm, it's on a good foundation, it's deeply rooted.

It's landed on many, many trees right before. So why would this one fall?

So this is what I say. It's because the eagle knows it can fly. If the tree falls, the eagle flies.

I forgot. The eagle has wings.

Exactly. Be a freaking eagle, Learn how to fly. And then you can land on any tree and not have to worry if it's going to fall. Oh, I don't have to be constantly worried if this person is going to cheat on me because I know I can fly. I don't have to be constantly worried if this person's going to talk crap about me because I know I can fly. I've like, fly, bounce, whatever you want. Right. But it's, it's that, that perspective, that mindset that creates abundance in you, which is why you apply to the job that you desperately want and have always wanted. And you're no longer afraid of being rejected. Because I know I can handle rejection because I've been there, done that. Because I'm an eagle, I know I can fly. I don't have to worry about this job not working out because I'm an eagle, I know I can fly. You see what I'm saying?

It's like, apply it to landing on your feet or everything. Anything. Yeah.

Let me use this illustration to like kind of tie it even more because.

This is really personal museum of paintings in here.

This, this is like really personal to me because it's something that I just discovered recently. It just kind of all clicked in my head when I first got my per. My blue belt in jiu jitsu. It was one of the happiest moments in my life. So ecstatic. And then it was one of the worst moments in my life because then my professor told me, I no longer want you to attack from the top. I want you to work off your back and I want you to constantly put yourself in terrible situations and get out of it. That's all I want you to do. So for months, bro, for months I was on the mat willingly putting myself in terrible situations where I was completely getting destroyed until I learned how to get out of them. This is what happened that I didn't even know happened. It made my attacking game better because I was no longer scared to throw a choke, to throw an arm bar, because I knew that if I landed in a bad position, I could get myself out of it.

Like Mr. Miyagi psychology right there.

You see what I mean? So it's the same thing here. What if life. What if life is preparing you and it's giving you the biggest gift right now by giving you this intense pain to where you can come out of it not crippled, but prepared because of the pain for anything that could come forward, like towards you. But you've got to do the work in order to be like that. If not, you're going to be a scared little boy going into situations that scare you and you're going to self sabotage those situations. You might have a great opportunity and you never take it because you're scared of being rejected because you don't know you can fly. You see what I mean? Yeah.

I mean, again, that's why we said in the beginning it's simple. The concept is simple. I can fly. I can get out of this, what, whatever scenario and go to another one. Yeah, but execution and going through takes a real man to do it. It's painful, and I shouldn't say a real man. It takes. It just takes someone that has put themselves in the mindset of being able to move forward in a positive way. And, you know, there's so many analogies we can come up with. There's so many pictures that we can paint.

Yeah.

But at the end of the day, our. I think our point here is, yeah, you have to be willing to accept that it's going to hurt, but it's going to be worth it in the end.

Nobody got jacked by picking up lightweight. Nobody got jacked by picking up lightweight.

They did it enough times. They did.

You gotta throw up some weight sometimes, man. You've got to. And that's how life builds us.

Repetition, big wit, a lot of way. It's. It all works out in the end. Yeah.

And let's tie this really quickly, and we'll finish this episode with this, and I'll let you get some final thoughts into Scott. I want to throw this in. In the father's perspective.

Okay.

You're a dad. You're listening to this right now. You're a dad, and you want to be the best dad that you can be, which is why you're filling your mind with things like this podcast and probably many other even better resources, Right? What kind of message are you sending to your kids when you choose to not learn how to fly? You're. You're. You're showing them and you're modeling behaviors that says, hey, if you get rejected, son, don't ever try again. Just don't do it. Hey, if you fail pursuing your dream, don't try again. Just don't do it. It's not worth it, son. You better just play it safe. You better just play it safe. You better not even dare think about getting married again. Or if you don't care about marriage, being with somebody else again because they're just going to let you down. That is literally what we are with our body language and our actions communicating to our kids. Or do you want to create? Hey, son, you know what? Life's going to hit you. That's guaranteed. It is guaranteed that you're going to get hit, that you're going to get hit a ton. But you've got more in you than you think you do. You're stronger than you think you are. You're more courageous than you think you are. And anything that life sends your way, you can conquer if you choose to. Or you can bow down to the pain. What message are we sending our kids?

Yeah. And to close things out, you have to be the one to cut the cord. When you realize that your ex is the one that's, you know, there's a difference between emotional and physical pain. And when the discomfort is overbearing and overwhelming, then that's when you know that you have to cut the cord because you're. Would you rather stay and have that consistent overwhelming of emotional discomfort or cut the cord and start healing to move on?

Yep. I love that, bro. I love that. Guys, such a good episode. I genuinely hope that it helped you and encouraged you and empowered you. And if I'm being honest, the next episode that's coming out this week also is going to tie hand in hand with this in a little bit of a different aspect. But you can definitely use it to empower this decision as well, because moving on is a decision, and you have the right to make that choice yourself.

And just FYI, for all you guys out there in the support group, I sincerely apologize. But tonight we will not be having the support group. It's my son's 16th birthday today, and we have some things going. And.

I was doing the hand clap, but you can't hear because you don't have headphones on.

For that reason, that reason alone, we're just going to skip tonight. So hopefully people listen to this and happy birthday, buddy. If you ever hear this. Love you.