How to stop suffering as a single parent

Anyways, you ready to start?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Man. Okay, so today we're going to be talking about suffering as a single parent, how to stop it. So welcome back to the show. If you're a single dad, if you're a single mom, if you're a single parent in general, it's pretty cool, actually, bro, that we get, like, single moms that also, I mean, I'm assuming they're single moms that are listening to the show. They could just be married women. I don't know.

Well, everyone's welcome here. Yeah. And at the end of the day, a lot of the stuff we talk about can easily be relatable to, Yes, a single parent in some cases. I mean, I, A wedded. I responded to. Responded to a gentleman who, who commented on one of our posts about. I don't remember which post it was, but he said, he goes, I'm. I'm not a single because I'm married with, With. With two great kids. But just wanted to say he complimented us.

Oh, that's cool.

But I responded to him. But so, yeah, ever, you know, yeah, who cares? But our, Our goal is to target single dads because that's who we are. And we, we, yeah, we know the struggles that are dealt with. And a lot of them, you know, obviously carry over.

Yeah. Bring everyone along for the ride. Bring the kids, bring the grandparents, man. So really wanted to cover the subject because I think it's genuinely going to help a lot of single fathers, single parents in general. Just parents. Just humans, actually. And I was talking to Scott about it a little bit before we even began, and I was telling him how it's funny as a single parent that's been divorced, whenever your kid leaves to the other household for a weekend or they're there for two days, three days, whatever it is, whatever your schedule is set up to be, it hurts you, you suffer. You sit at home and you suffer. But then I tell Scott, right? Because, you know, Scott's circumstance is way different than mine. I'm like, when your son goes away for four days, like, you're not necessarily suffering for you. It's kind of more like a breath of holiday, man. Yeah, exactly. And, and I was just thinking, like, the difference between that is that there's a certain story that we tell ourselves, and this is how we create our own suffering. Right. When Scott's boy leaves for four days, he tells himself the story of it's a holiday. When my little girl leaves for four days or three days, whatever it is, I tell myself a completely different story. I've failed as a father. I'm not present enough. She's not gonna, like, know that I cared as much as I genuinely do care. I'm missing time.

She's not gonna get to do the things that we do when she's over there, because I know her mother's not going to.

Yeah.

Take, you know, a lot. Just all sorts of negative thoughts come pouring in. Because why?

Because the circumstance, honestly, is. And it's just what we feed ourselves. Right. So it's all circumstantial because think about it. Scott's kids leave or kid leaves 4 days. Completely different reaction than my kid leaves for 4 days. So what is the.

What, what.

What is the solution there? What's causing this to happen? And I truly do believe. And this is. I mean, ob, obviously, this is, this is proven. It's because it's the story that we tell ourselves in our brain.

Exactly.

The story that we tell ourselves in our minds.

What you just said, you allow the net, all the negative things to. To enter your mind.

Yeah.

And hence, that's the story you're telling yourself.

Absolutely. And I know right now, if you're listening, you're like, but that's the reality. That's what I'm living in. That's what this is. That's my situation. The thoughts are not reality. Okay. You. We. We all have the, the option and the choice to choose different thoughts. Right. You could choose to believe that your kid is having a. Is. Is over there with, like, their mother and she's going to have a great time and she's going to bond and she needs that. Right. And that you're no less of a father because you're not going to see her face to face for three days. Right.

And. And every kid needs both parents, a mother figure or a father figure in their life. And fortunately, there's for my son, he has one grandparent that is alive and it's his grandma from his mom's side. So that's, you know, for. For him, that's his mother figure.

Yeah.

So for me, it's a blessing to have that. Yeah. I hope she's around many, many years to come. And so back to what you were talking about. So the story or what I allow to come in my mind is, hey, he's going to get positive things.

Yeah.

As am I. Yeah. Right.

So you have a good experience. You're not depressed because your boy is gone for the weekend?

No. It's party time.

Not really.

But I'm an old man. I don't do that anymore.

But it's like, that's the difference here, right? And I know someone could be listening right now, and they're like, well, you don't know my baby, daddy. You don't know my baby, you don't know my son. Terrible person, whatever. Well, the truth of the matter is whether they're a bad parent or a great parent, it doesn't change you as a parent and the role that you play, period. So just because that other person might not fit into your box of what a good parent should look like, or maybe they are completely terrible parents that still should not have a negative effect on you. And because you only suffer when you make it about yourself, you make it about, I'm not there, I'm not doing enough. I, I, I, I, I, I. Exactly. So you want to stop suffering, stop making it about yourself.

Absolutely.

And realize that this life, this circumstance is happening for you and for a good reason, not against you and not to you. If you can take that perspective, you'll have a way different attitude, which means you'll show up way more different whenever your kids come back over.

Exactly.

Period. Because you don't want to just be there, you know? I, I, I'm. Put this dude on blast. I'm not gonna say his name, though. Dude messaged me on tick tock, right? Struggling heavily, heavily from divorce, single dad, all this stuff. So he's like, I just really need someone to talk to. I need some help. I never do this. I told him, I'm gonna send you the link to our 1% men's coaching group and you can come in for free this one time. I never do that ever, bro. He didn't show up today. I get a message, man, I'm really struggling. I need to talk to someone. I'm sorry. Last night I didn't log on because I got like wasted and I passed out drunk. And I kid, I kid you not, bro, I'll read the message that I sent back to him. Because I'm like, this is, this is ridiculous. Like, there's the only person at this point getting in your way. I said, you didn't show up, brother. I'm trying to help. And that was really disrespectful to not give me a heads up. I only work with men that are serious about getting their life back together. I just don't know if you are there yet. Am I wrong in assuming that? Because I'm like, bro, like, you're creating your own suffering and so it's making you show up as a deadbeat dad. And that's not who you are.

Exactly.

That is not who you are. The only thing that's stopping you from. From not being a deadbeat dad, quote, unquote, whatever or not. The best dad that you can be is the story that you're letting continue in your mind. If you change the story in your mind, you change how you feel, you change how you show up, you change your results. That's how you stop suffering.

And if you. The struggle is real. When you believe that alcohol or a temporary, you know, fixation is. Is an answer, or I'm struggling, so I'm gonna get hammered, or I'm going to use drugs, or I'm gonna, you know, do whatever, you know, think about when you wake up the next day and you look yourself in the mirror and.

What did I do for you?

And ask yourself, why am I struggling? Well, the answer is, yeah, because you're causing it. You're the cause of your struggle. Get out of your own way.

Yep.

Be positive.

Yeah.

And what could you have done? Instead of getting drunk, you could have gone to a support group for free and talked to other people that are having the same struggles.

Yep.

And probably come out of it happy and driven, inspired and hangover less.

Yes, yes.

But bottom line is, I mean, as you said, you don't ever offer that to somebody for free because there's a lot of value in being in a group with. With, you know, single dads that are divorced, in your case, divorce.

Single dads that are wanting to grow.

That are wanting to grow, that are struggling and they want to not struggle and they want to. They're seeking out real help. Not, you know, the bottom. The bottom of a bottle.

Yeah.

And so.

And bro, like, think about it. In this case, this. This small scenario, this dude had specific thoughts that were causing him to feel a certain way that, that led him to an action grab that bottle, which led to the result of he probably will not be working with me. You know what I mean? Like. Like, period. Unless he, you know, obviously pays and shows up and does the work. But if he's not going to show up and do the work, he's not going to pay. So that's. That's how I know that he probably will not be working with me. You know what I'm saying? But. But if he changed this thought, it would change how you feel. And I know that sounds so simple, and it is simple, but it's also really difficult at the same time.

Well, it is. It is difficult. And there's Probably a lot of people out there that are like, well, you don't know my situation. All right, well, guess what? I don't need to know your situation, because everyone has their own specific situation scenarios, things that are obstacles, things that are against them. But as cliche as it is, there are things in life that are out of our control. And, you know, I lost my mom in a car wreck. How did I handle that? I didn't go get wasted and think that that's the answer. I lost my wife to cancer. Now I have to step up and be a dad and raise my son, not step out.

Yeah.

And be a drunk.

Yeah.

Because, you know, woe is me. Feel sorry for me. It's. It's all mindset.

Yep.

And if so, everyone out there that's listening and paying attention and actually wants to get over whatever obstacles and scenario that they're dealing with. Start with mindset. Start to want to be that good dad for your kid or children.

Yeah.

And that's step one. And once you're there and you're not, you know, going to the bar and you're not, you know, doing the stuff that deadbeats. Deadbeat dads do, then you are. Now you're in a position where you will show up to a support group.

Yeah.

And that's. At the end of the day, that's why we have this podcast, because we want to help the people, the single dads that want help. Not the ones that say they want help and go get hammered because they're struggling or think that, you know, their situation is different than everyone else's, because it's not. Everybody has their own situations, and that's what support groups are for. So we can talk about yours, and we can say, hey, here's a. Here's a resolution. And that's essentially what, you know, we're trying to support. Trying to start a support group for. For the single dads podcast. Frank has a coaching business that he deals with divorced single dads and already has a group, which is. It's been very effective, and he's had huge success. So what. That's what we wanted to talk to everybody about today is ultimately, you know.

Yeah.

And correct me if I'm wrong, Frank, but the number one thing is. Is mindset.

Yeah.

And putting your. Setting yourself up to start healing or start.

Yeah.

Seeing things in a different light, which is going to. Whatever your situation is, get you through it.

Yeah.

And through it healthfully.

Yeah. And something very practical. Okay. Well, first of all, I want to hit on this really Quickly, because we talked about somebody choosing to cope with alcohol or sex or what, whatever it is are you choosing to cope with? I know there's a lot of people that make tons of excuses and they're like, well, we all cope differently. Okay, well, if you saw your kid coping with a bottle, would you be like, I'm just happy he's coping. If you saw your kid coping with drugs, well, I'm just glad he's coping even when he is a grown adult. No, you're going to be like, son, this isn't going to help you. You need to do this. You need to focus on. You need to talk to someone. You need to reach like, you see what I'm saying? So choose your coping carefully, period. Because whether you want to make yourself feel better about how you're coping, it's really not going to yield you a good result. If anything, it's just going to numb you and you're going to take your survival mode mindset where your brain is triggering red flags for everything that's not dangerous and you're going to make it your normal. And that's why you walk into a relationship and you. Nothing is going on, but you are just creating all of these red flags in your own mind, period. Right. And other circumstances.

If you, if you had your very best friend or someone you cared about so much and they're happily married and whatever, or I'm sorry, you're happily married and they are in your situation, would you tell them to go and do the things that you're doing? Would you tell them to go get hammered? Would you tell them to go, hey, let's go out to the bar and just forget about. And get wasted tonight?

Yeah.

I mean, would you advise them to step up and. And do what you know is going to create the outcome that is best for your. Your child or children? So I just want to throw that in there.

No. Yeah, absolutely. You will never go wrong investing into yourself, period. Me and my girlfriend were talking about this the other day. I told her how, you know, back in the day when I was struggling just financially and emotionally, everything because of, like the divorce, you know, that happened so suddenly. I decided to start working with a therapist. I did one therapy, one therapy session. And because of that therapy session, I felt incredible and my finances began to turn around because I invested into myself. So when someone says, I don't have $250 to go to therapy or counseling, I don't have that will, you sure as hell have it for cigarettes and alcohol and for fast Food. And I'm like, but if you invested into yourself, you can produce the best roi, period. Because if you're healthy, you will execute. If you're healthy, you will grow. If you're healthy, you will get clients. If you're healthy, you will get promotion. If you're healthy, you'll get raises, period, across the board, right? So invest in yourself. You're the best investment you could ever make. And I remember telling my, my girlfriend, I was like, babe, that was the best thing I could have ever done that. I remember I got 500 bucks. I made 500 bucks because I made a video. I spent 265 of it on myself for therapy. And then the following week, I made like 1500 in one week because I was healthy. I was operating in who the heck I am not bottled down with all this negative stuff, right? So something very practical for you guys before we log off. If you want to, you know, get through the suffering, change your mindset, be the dad that you want to be, that you know you already are deep down inside, because that your kids deserve. Yes. Then I want you to write this down. Circumstances. And then below that, thoughts. Below that, emotions and feelings. Below that, actions or inactions. And then below that, results. And I want you to write the result that you want. What dad do you want to be? Do you want to be the playful dad? Do you want to be the, you know, the dad that's always there showing up, the one that's slow to anger and quick to listen, the supportive dad? What dad do you want? What man do you want to be? Write that on the result. Then write down what actions you're going to have to take to get that result. Then I need you to write down what emotion or feeling you need to tangibly feel running through your body that'll get you to act that specific way. Then I need you to write down what thoughts do I need to create in my own mind to make me feel those feelings, Period.

That's key.

Period.

Mindset.

And then on circumstance, I don't want you to write anything because no matter what circumstance you go through, it's not good and it's not bad. You have the choice on how you make it happen. The only choice that you really have that dictates everything else is your thoughts. If you have a negative thought with a good action, you'll still get a negative result. I promise you. I've seen it time and time with my clients that don't listen to me. Sometimes they have a negative thought, they take a good action, like setting boundaries, but because the negative thought made them feel negative, they get a very negative result with a good action. So make sure you always have a very positive thought. That's creating positive feeling.

And, guys, for every. Anybody out there that wants to be in our support group, it costs next to nothing. Costs nothing the first month. Yeah. And then after that, it's literally just a ten. Ten bucks. A six pack of beer, ten bucks a month donation. So we can. That helps us fund and create larger groups. And eventually we want to build, you know, build an app and have different rooms and things like that, but, you know, we got to start somewhere, and we know there's a lot of people out there that want some support and you don't have a lot of money. This is a perfect opportunity for you. You can get a link to sign up for that on our Instagram, the Single Dads podcast, and would love to see all of you there, all the information, and when the next support group will be. So, anything else?

Frank, bro, I think that's it, man. That was really good.

Yeah. Hopefully got. We got through to some guys, and.

At least I know I had a lot of fun doing that.