How we change after being divorced or widowed.

Welcome to the Single Dads Podcast with Frank Ortega and Scott Fisher. How's that for an intro? We have this audio board at the studio that we're at, and it has really cool sound effects, so we're playing with it right now. So if we ever say something good now we got you guys interacting with.

Us whether you want to or not.

Yeah, exactly. Really excited for this episode, just like I am for. Oh, yeah, we're filming. All right, so all of that will be in there. But really excited for this episode, just like I am for every episode that we do, because, I mean, it's. It's our podcast, and it's revolved around something that our live, he. Our lives heavily revolve around, and so love talking about this stuff. Scott brought up a really cool topic last week that I was like, man, we need. We need to cover this just because it'll be a little bit more.

On.

The fun side, but then also on the deeper side as well. But it's covering the topic of what's changed. Like, how different are we now that we are no longer with, you know, our ex spouse or, you know, like, if. If you're like my brother Scott here and you're widowed, you no longer have your. Your late wife. That's how you say it, right?

Sure.

Like, respect.

Okay.

I just want to make sure that I'm being respectful. I just. Yeah, but how you've changed ever since then, right? At everything from, like, hobbies to your perspective in life to how you parent. Right. I know for me, like, me personally, I feel like I became a better dad because of the divorce, pretty much because you kind of get kicked into it, but if I'm being honest, also, it's because you kind of stop taking things for granted. And so all those afternoons that I had with my little girl, you know, like, the bedtime stories, the going fishing whenever we want, taking her to get ice cream, mozzarella sticks whenever the heck I wanted to. It's like, when that's your everyday life, it's just kind of, like, easy to kind of take it for granted. And then when it's not anymore, it almost makes you, like, kick it into gear. The moments that you have them, right? Because you're like, I want to make sure that. That I enjoy them to the best that I can and do the most that I can. Which is. It's going to be interesting because you have a completely different perspective on that. Because your situation is different, right?

Like, absolutely.

You have your kid all the time as opposed to I have My kid twice a week and then sometimes once a week and then for the weekend, you know.

Yeah. So it's the change for me and the change for you night and day. So it's, you know, how, how I parent. Boy, that's changed significantly. The things that I, you know, because I have to like, step in and do so many things that I typically wouldn't do.

Yeah.

Or wouldn't, you know, have done if she were still here.

Yeah.

You know, and so I think, you know, my, my perspective and the things that have changed in my life and, you know, they're, they're. I don't know how many people out there will, will relate to me, but I guess that's why it's good that we have two different.

Exactly.

Ends of the spectrum here. And, but, you know, and not to mention I've, you know, obviously I'm older. My son's 15 and a half. My God. And so, you know, what you do, how you parent what, you know, everything you, how you interact with your kid with everything, it's constantly changing.

Yeah.

Literally, like every. And you'll notice, I guess, different milestones, like when they go from one grade to another, especially from like elementary to junior high, from junior high to high school, you know, just all those things. So my perspective, I can offer some things that I've been through, some things I wished I would have done differently looking back and hopefully help some people that are just starting out that, you know, have one and two year olds or three year olds or whatever.

Yeah.

And kind of, you know, offer my perspective. You know, I think we kind of touched on it last week or one episode. I don't know, maybe, maybe I was just listening to an older episode. But how, you know, like, my son just wanted to do, do everything and be like me.

Yeah.

And then boom, that completely changed out of nowhere. And so. Yeah, I mean, like, of course when those things change, how you parent, how you interact, how you do, everything obviously changes inevitable.

Yeah.

Right. So, yeah, there's just, it's a, it's the evolution of life, my friend. Yeah.

Change is here to stay.

Yeah.

You either become friends with it or it's your biggest enemy and you suffer for the rest of your life fighting it because it's always going to be there.

That statement right there is one we can just really touch on because you can accept and I guess embrace the change. Yeah. In a positive way or, you know, in a negative way. The exact opposite. And I, I know for a fact that there are people out there that make the Conscious decision to embrace certain change negatively. And you know this because you deal with divorced.

Yeah.

Dads all the time.

Well, and because honestly, like, I'm a freaking human. And so there's things that change in my life that I struggle with, you know, and then I have to bring myself back to like, everything that I teach my clients, which is. Okay, what is a fact and then what is a story that I'm making it mean, you know, and then once you, once you start doing that and breaking it, that. And this is why I teach so heavily that like, if you want something different, you got to do the hard work. And the hard work is not going to the gym. The hard work is not just going out more with friends, but it's like giving yourself some time, giving yourself some space to like, what is actually affecting me right now in this life? And what do I want to change? What can I change about it? And sometimes the only thing that we can change about it is our perspective and the way that we see it. But perspective is everything. Everything. How you perceive something is how you experience it.

Exactly. Perception is. Has a direct effect on your actions, how you perceive something. And, and you know, like I perceive an individual or a person is this way. And that's how I'm going to treat them. Yeah. And I think that's, you know, one of the things that caused people to. To be judgmental. And that's one thing that I very conscious of and was talking about with my son. God, yes. Yesterday, I think. And just like you never know what's going on with someone. So when a stranger cuts you off on the road. Yeah, because I'm one. I'm the asshole that does that. So I, I'm, I'm like today, for.

Example, on the way here.

Yeah. I'm actually worthy of a middle finger here. But my point is, is like, you know, you just never know what's going on with people. So when before you treat them negatively or judge them and based on whatever how they look, how they dress, you know, how they're acting that day or whatever, you know, you, you just, you got to give people the benefit of the doubt and be conscious of how you are. Are seeing things. And, and because that's how you act and treat.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

And it can. You, you come across a certain way and sometimes you don't realize it literally.

Perception is power. It really is.

It's. It's funny to watch. And here, here I am being judgmental, talking about people being judgmental. But, but it's true, though. It's funny if you watch, like, if you're at a certain event where there's a lot of, you know, women.

Where.

They'Re, you know, maybe you're dressed up, a formal thing or something, and to watch women judge each other, it's. If you're observant. Yeah. And they're so catty, and they're like, you know, looking each other up and down like, you know, do I look better than her? Yeah.

Which men do that at the gym with biceps and pecs.

It's. It's. I think it's, to some extent, human nature, literally.

No, it literally is. But I want to talk about then, like, what's. What's. What's changed? How have we changed? You know, for. For me, I know that I've become way more intentional than I was before, like, in. In multiple different aspects, but I also noticed, bro, that, like, I also changed in a way that I didn't want to. And it's. It's because pain has the capacity to train us. Right? It can train us for the good, or it could train us for the not so good. It could train us to take more risks, or it could train us to not take risks. And so I've noticed that I. I started parenting a lot out of fear, out of. Out of pain, because of the pain that I had experienced and pain that she has experienced to where I'm like, I don't want to hurt her, and I don't want her to suffer. So I overcompensate in areas, whereas before I wouldn't, because I had more of a abundance mindset, a healthy mindset. Like, hey, I am her parent, not her. Not her friend. Right. I am her friend and her parent. But then once you go through, like, what I've gone through, it's almost like you be. You focus more on being their friend, on making them happy, because they've already gone through so much hard stuff in their lives. But I've realized that the more that I do that, the more I'm setting her up to fail in the long run.

That's exactly right. And I'm speaking. I'm speaking from experience, and. Did I cut you off?

No. You know, I mean, you did, but go ahead.

Well, this is where my perspective comes in. From experience, because I. You know, because he lost his mom, I allowed him to, you know, do certain things. And if I've said this before, sorry for repeating myself, but, like, he. He wanted to quit martial arts because he was. I didn't know this at the time. But because he was scared he wouldn't pass the test to get to the next belt. I found that out after the fact. But the fact that I allowed him to. To just not go because he didn't want to. Yeah, it's just, like, stupid things like that. Well, not. They're not stupid.

But I mean, look at the. And here's the thing. Look at the purity of that, though. You didn't want your son to suffer anymore, so you were like, okay, that's fine.

Right?

You know, I mean, so it comes from a place of, like, again, love. But it's like. It's almost like we get blinded because of the pain that we experience and they experience that we don't realize. I think this is actually what's best for them.

But. But the negative effect that had on him is he thinks it's okay to quit. And I've seen that in. In other areas of life. Yeah, and it's my fault.

I mean, dude, that is a mature thing to say, because we've got to own it, but as soon as we own it, we can do something different about it. I told you earlier, right? For anyone that's listening, you know my daughter the Goose, or Dati, I call her the Goose, but my daughter, the Goose, I'm putting her into Jiu Jitsu because she. She has this thing where she says, papa, I can't do it. I can't. And so she won't even try. So then the other day, I took her to a ropes course, and she was scared to do it, but I was like, look, you. You have to do it. Just do it.

And then.

And then we'll. We'll go down, right? And so she didn't even finish the whole thing, but she finished a couple of the obstacles. And when our time was up, when we had to go back down, guess what? I wasn't annoyed or ticked off that she didn't finish the whole thing. I celebrated her because she actually went through with it. And even though she was scared and literally shaking in moments, she still did it. And when she came back down, she was like, papa, did you see me? Did you see I did it? And I wasn't scared. And I wanted to correct her in that moment, and I did. I was like, baby, you know, it's okay to be scared, but the fact that you did it, I'm like, that's amazing. That just shows how courageous you are, right? And just starting to speak that into her life because I just noticed her quitting too quick on some things, and. And I recognize. Just like you just said, dang it, that's been my fault. I've created that in her. I've. I've tolerated it. And what you tolerate, you invite more of.

Right?

And so now I'm like, she's gonna do jiu jitsu, and guess what? If she doesn't like it and she wants to quit, that's okay. But not until you get your first belt ranking, and then you can decide, you know what? I don't want to do this anymore. Why? Because you conquered it.

Now, now, as long as she knows up front what, like, hey, I hope you like this, but on the outside chance, you don't.

Yeah.

You still have to get from A to B, and this is what B is.

And then. And then you can decide.

If you decide this isn't for you, then, you know, because you gave it a chance.

Yeah.

You went from A to B. Yeah, because then.

Exactly. Because then she experiences the reward of her. Of her labor. Right. The belt promotion. And then at that moment, what if the reward is great enough to say, you know what? I'm gonna keep doing this? But if it's not great enough, then she still got the reward. She still conquered it. So no longer is it quitting. Now it's. I beat it. It's just not my thing. I'm gonna go on to something else, and then we'll do the same thing with the next thing, right?

Yep. That reminds me of a time like when my son was going through. I don't know, this was. He was probably in, like, sixth grade, maybe seventh. And he was a little. A little chubby, you know? Yeah. He eats too many cheeseburgers or was. You know, he had. He hadn't grown up as much. I mean, he's grown out of that now. But anyway, at the moment. At that moment, he was insecure, and I knew that it wasn't a conversation we, you know, had, but I knew that, like, just he. He wasn't comfortable taking his shirt off to go swimming and stuff like that, right. At this. At this little point in his life. And he was invited to go to the. The lake with one of his friends. And. And I think they're. His friend's dad had a badass boat. And he said no. And I'm like, what? And I knew exactly why.

Yeah.

You know what I did? I got in my car, I drove down the road to, like, Kohl's or something and got like, a. You know, those swim shirts or whatever.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Like the rash guards.

Yeah. And I bought Him a couple. And I was like, hey, man, just throw one of these on so you don't get a sunburn and go have a good time. And he did. And at the end, or at the end of the day, he, you know, he had an absolute blast. And, you know, had I not identified that and, you know, made the effort to.

Yeah.

You know, without saying, hey, I. I know why. And, you know, you shouldn't think like that and let him not go. I just knew what the solution was and it worked. And had he not gone, he wouldn't have had that experience.

Yeah, exactly.

You know, there's probably a handful of other things that I wasn't aware of that he just not done or didn't do because of insecurities. And so point being is, you know, try to be aware. I know we say aware a lot, but.

But it's key.

It is be aware of, like, what. What's going on. And, you know, if. Because, you know, insecurities also causes kids not just to not do things, but to do the wrong thing. Yeah, right. For example, you know, if they're not running with, you know, the. The cool click, which might be the jocks in sixth or seventh grade or eighth grade or whatever. I don't know.

And I feel like the cool kids nowadays are the gamers, though. It's almost like there's a different. Like, now there's cool kids in every aspect because of how far everything's advanced. Like, if you're in. If you're on YouTube right now, if you have a YouTube channel, you're cool. I mean, as long as your content doesn't suck. You know what I mean? But it's like. Yeah, it's just. It's just way different, but I see.

Exactly. Yeah. I mean, there, in some cases, you know, some of the kids I was shoving into lockers back in the day, now I work for. No, but that's not. Not the case. But it is with some, like, you know, the star quarterback. He's mowing my lawn. Right. That is the case. And a lot of, you know, situations. So I get what you're saying. But anyway, my point is, is the takeaway here is. Is just, you know, to pay the attention.

Yeah.

What's going on?

Yeah, pay attention. And also, let's. Let's kind of pivot a little bit to how we've changed in a different area. Like more of a fun area. Right. So I'll give a good example for me personally, like, and I think it's good. I think this is it's good to reflect on how you've changed in a good way, because it'll show you how much you've conquered. It'll show you how far you've come. If we're always focusing on what we're not doing, then we're just going to continue to create suffering in our own lives. But if you take a second just to be like, dude, first of all, I survived a divorce, like, bro, the stuff that you've survived, holy crap, Scott, you know what I'm saying? Like, if you took a second and you were just, like, consciously meditating on, man, these are the things I survived. And look at where I am now. It makes you so proud of yourself, right? So for me, it's like one of the ways I've changed is that because of what I went through and I survived. Now I know, like, man, I could survive through any breakup, any relationship, anything like that, because I've done it before. It's kind of like. I use this analogy of an eagle, right? When an eagle lands on a tree, is the eagle worried that the tree is going to fall? Scott?

I don't know how eagles think, but probably not.

Why?

Because the tree is much larger than the eagle, therefore it should hold it up. So.

So that's normally where we go, right? But the eagle doesn't give a crap about the foundation of the tree, because if the tree fell, the eagle would fly again.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess that would catch itself.

You see what I'm saying? And so I changed in a way where now it's like, for example, a relationship is a tree to me. I'm not worried if this relationship's going to fail or not. Because, bro, I know I have wings. I know that I can fly. Why? Because I've done it before. And so now the dependency doesn't become on the tree, it becomes on yourself. And you can go into any situation, whether you're scared or whether you're not, and say, I've got this. And so that's something that changed in me in a positive way. But it took a lot of pain to get there, obviously. But, you know, pain is the greatest teacher.

It is. And it teaches resilience. And resilience is a damn good characteristic to. To have. Yeah, because life is not good to a lot of people. Yeah, well, no, life is not. It's far from fair. But at the end of the day, if we didn't know how bad things could be, then when things were really good, we wouldn't know how good they were. Yeah. So in my opinion, the more you suffer and the more bad things that happen to you, the more you don't take for granted, the more pleasure you get out of the simple things in life. And that's honestly what's gotten me through the, you know, hand handfuls of trauma that I've had to go through in life. And, you know, like, you know, one day I'm literally just having a normal day, and the next day I'm shopping for coffins for my mom. Yeah. You know, that. That's hard for anyone to. Yeah.

Like.

Comprehend. Yeah. Until it happens to them.

Yeah.

And it's really true. So it's just like, I don't know, there's so many things in life that have happened to me, but that I. I know a lot of people can't comprehend. Truly, they can empathize to some extent.

Yeah.

But. And that's why I think empathy is such a great characteristic as well.

And eventually they'll be able to comprehend because we're all going to have to go through that, you know, or most of us will. And some people that are listening probably have gone through it, you know, and. But I started reading this book to go off of that. It's called the Happiest man on Earth. I forgot his name. I think it's Eddie, Jocko, Jacu, something like that.

He's a.

He's a Holocaust Survivor.

Is. Yeah, you told me about him.

Yes. And the simple fact that a Holocaust survivor, some dude that was in concentration camps, he was in ostrich or whatever that thing was called, like, the worst one. And honestly, in his book, just reading the stuff that he went through, just to even get to the worst suffering that he would ever experience. I was like, holy smokes. And to think that he wrote a book called the Happiest man on Earth after everything, he's like, that dude should have written a book like, life is not fair. Life is terrible. You see what I'm saying? But it was all the way he chose to look at things. And the book is so powerful, man. Like, one of my clients was going through a really hard time, and I sent him the book PDF file so that he could read it for free. And I was like, bro, I just want you to start reading this book because it puts things into perspective. Right? And in some of my group calls, you have one man talking about one thing that's, like, genuinely affecting him, and then you have another man talk, brings up something that's, like, worse. And then all of a sudden the other guy is, like, grateful for what he's experienced. So things begin to change when perspective is offered.

Right.

You know, so. So, yeah. What's. What's one way that you changed in, like, a cool way, bro? Ever since everything that you went through.

Funny you asked that, because I was just thinking. So I. I volunteer in one of the Facebook groups to mentor people. Single dads. Mm. Go figure. And unfortunately, I. I can't. I have to turn some of them away. And it sucks, but, I mean, I'm not getting paid and I don't have time, and, you know, it's. I do it because if I can help at least a couple of people here and there, then, yeah, it's worth it. But anyway, you know, and there's one guy particular that hopefully he listens. I don't know if he does or not, but he hit me up. And he's got a one and a two year old, and he's 28 years old, and he was saying, man, I just want somebody that's kind of been through some thick stuff and somebody I can turn to. I've made some mistakes in life and, you know, maybe some things he got in trouble for criminally, whether it was drugs or, you know, stuff like that, but that's kind of what I think he was getting at. But nevertheless, it's, you know, I. That's one way I've changed is. Is. Is wanting to. I mean, this podcast is one. One thing. But on top of that, I wish I could help more people kind of on an individual basis. Yeah. And hopefully, you know. Well, that's just that. That's one way I've changed. And I. I want to offer my perspective. Yeah. My experience, my knowledge, how I handled certain situations, how I got, you know, when I felt like nothing was working for me, how did I. How did I get up and start a business and put things together? And then, you know.

Yeah.

When everything came crashing down again, how did I, you know, get up and do the same damn thing all over again? Yeah. You know, so it's just offering. That's one way I've changed is. Is having the desire to.

I love that.

To. To want to, you know, help people.

It created a whole new desire in you. Yeah. For me, it created a new talent. Also, when I went through my divorce, I learned how to cook. So now I'm. Now I know how to cook.

And.

And so my current girlfriend reaps the benefits of that. But that's one way that I've changed as well, is I'm just like, dude, now I'm like, now I'm straight up cooking, which is wild. And I get to eat as much steak as I want and the food that I want, when I want it, which is pretty darn good. You know what I'm saying? Like, now there's not none of that going on. I mean, there is sometimes, like, with my current girlfriend, but really, she's just kind of like, hey, what do you. What do you want to eat? And I'm like, this is what we're gonna eat today. So one way that I changed is I started cooking more. Like, I learned how to cook. I started cooking steaks in an air fryer, which, by the way, is actually really, really, really good. Get a nice fat rib eye with some good seasoning, put it in the air fryer for 12 minutes at 6 minutes FL. And I am telling you, I know that is like the most demasculating thing that you've ever heard, but when you try the steak, you're gonna be like, dang, Frank was right. He was right. And it's so easy to do too. You don't need the grill. You don't nothing. Just air fry everything. Air fry everything. But that's another way that I've changed, like, in a cool, unique, different way that I never thought I'd be really doing is learning how to cook.

Well, you never know, man.

Yeah, yeah, no, exactly. So awesome.

Hey, we gotta wrap things up, guys. I just want to let everyone know we've talked about having a men's support group, and we are literally a week away from having our official the Single Dads podcast app built done in the App Store. Well, might. It's up to Apple. It might be two weeks, but it's right around the corner. And I just wanted to let everyone know we're gonna have a merchandise page. We're gonna have community where you, for the listeners, can let come in and communicate with each other without Frank and I even being there. We're gonna have, you know, our support groups where we do it, like, kind of in a Zoom or Google Play format. And so things are about to get cool, guys. And I just wanted to let everyone know that that is literally around the corner. And. Yeah, so thanks for tuning in and I'm looking forward to next week because hopefully I'll have an announcement to make.

Yeah, we'll catch you guys on the next episode. You have a blessed day.