I can't forgive myself...

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Dads podcast app to join our community. Hope you enjoy the show. All right, guys, welcome back. Today we're going to jump straight into this. We're going to keep this short and sweet and powerful. I want to hit on self forgiveness because I think this is massive, especially if. If you've been through a divorce and even if you're a widowed father, like, there might have been things in your life that you have tons of regret or guilt about. I know for me, it's something that I really struggled with. If you guys have heard my story, it's way down. Probably the second podcast we ever did. I was. I was unfaithful. Right. And that was something that I carried a lot of unforgiveness for. But I want to talk about the subject forgiveness and why it's so powerful and why we need to be able to forgive ourselves. Okay. This is why if you don't forgive yourself, you're going to keep recreating the same things that cause that unforgiveness in the beginning. You've heard me talk about this on the show before. You know, the practice of neuroplasticity, essentially, whatever you put in front of your mind and whatever you entertain in your head, even if it's not real, you will self fulfill it. That's why when you think about the worst things possible, the worst things possible happen. Right. And so you see this with the placebo effect, with the nocebo effect, all of those things. And it happens with guilt. It happens with regret. It happens in all those areas. And so we have to be able to forgive ourselves and release those things so that we release that pattern. That's really how I like to think about it.

Well said. And the thing is, with self forgiveness, it allows us to let go of guilt we're harboring. And that is a. Like, you literally cannot move forward.

Yeah.

Until you forgive yourself.

Yeah.

And quit harboring guilt. And it's just kind of like sitting in a pile of mud, man. It's like, probably not a good analogy, but just. I mean, that's kind of what I think of. It's like you're just sitting in sludge, going nowhere because you're Just harboring guilt, and life goes on. We all. We're all human. We all have made mistakes.

Yep.

And we all have to move forward and live with them. Right?

Yeah.

And.

So for.

For anybody out there, that's. That. That is struggling with guilt or, you know, holding on to things that they've done, said people they've hurt. At the end of the day, like, you. You have. You have to forgive yourself.

Yeah.

You're. You're being there. So many people are so hard on themselves, and by doing so, you're preventing. You're. You're. You're kind of imprisoning yourself and preventing yourself from moving forward in so many other aspects of life. And all because you're not willing to forgive yourself.

Exactly.

And to be honest, I think a lot of people meet me being one of them. I have. I have been. I'm hard on myself, period. Like, too much so. And I. I've identified that and. And even some of the smallest things in hindsight, like years ago, you know, when I identified, like, dude, you. You can't just feel like this all the time. You have to move forward. And I forgave myself, but I also moved forward with anticipation of karma and expecting, like, you know, and I'm not. I'm not saying that. That everyone should move forward like this, but this is how I did it. And I kind of, like, expected, you know, like, I. You don't get to just do. Do wrong to somebody and, you know, just keep on coasting, you know. But I identified, like, all right, I have to. I have to forgive myself. I have to move forward. And I did. And it is the best feeling in the world to not have to, like, look over your shoulder or. Because I moved forward by also promising myself that I would never do anything like that again.

Yeah.

I would never be unfaithful. I would never treat somebody in a way that could mentally harm them in any form or fashion or allow them to think things about themselves that aren't true, that I just said because I was angry or whatever the case, and, you know, I move forward forgiving myself. But the best feeling was not having to worry about, you know, like, just being able to. Once I lost that feeling and truly let it go.

Yeah.

Life changed, man, Big time. It really did, bro.

That's powerful. And that's what I want to hit on, is because everybody says you got to let it go, so how do you let it go? And so I. I really want to dig into that, because that's where, like, the meat is.

Yeah.

And like, you said something earlier, and I remember people saying that to me, like, you have to live with that for the rest of your life. You have to live with that. And I remember getting this attitude, which I get what they're saying. Right. But I remember getting this internal attitude of like, why do I have to live with it for the rest of my life?

You don't.

I'm not. I know I messed up. I know I did. I'm not going to live with the mistake for the rest of my life. But I will live with the lesson.

Yes, 100%.

That's what I will live with. It's a change of perspective that changes your outcome. Because here's the thing that's.

That's exactly. I wished I would have verbalized it as well as you just did, because I kind of said that, but I didn't say that. Right. Yeah. And you're spot on, man. But keep going.

And so how do we let go of these things? Okay, first of all, I want to hit on this. Have you ever met somebody who's like, people don't change? I have.

If I have, I didn't hang out with them very, very long.

And. And if you haven't, go to my comments in all of my reels, especially when I'm talking about cheating or narcissist or anything like that. And they're like, once a cheater, always a cheater. That means that that person is incapable of forgiving themselves. Therefore, they have never changed. So they don't believe that somebody else can change. Yep. Because that's their world.

Yeah.

If you believe people can't change, it's because you don't change. That's it. I've changed massively. So guess what? I believe that the worst people in the world can change because I knew where I was. You see what I'm saying?

I. I think that's. To be honest, if you genuinely believe a person cannot change, you're ignorant.

Yeah, well, it's just you're projecting your own beliefs on them and that you. What you're really saying is, I can't change, therefore why should you be able to change?

And let me take that back. I'm not calling anybody ignorant. I'm thinking. I want to say you're making an.

Ignorant comment or observation.

Yeah.

Something. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

So you're not ignorant. Just your thought process about that is not on point.

So this is. This is how I want you to see forgiveness. Okay. I'm gonna make it very simple for us. This is actually a process. I Take my clients through which if you can imagine, they have a lot of self unforgiveness that would they walk in with.

Yes.

And in no time, man, they're able to really, really work through it. Especially when I get to do it in a one on one session. It's so powerful, like pulling the truth and the lies out of it.

Plug, plug.

But, well, it's for free here, so utilize it. Utilize it. Unforgiveness is nothing more than anger and resentment. It's really what it is. That's an emotion. What creates our emotions, our thoughts, the thoughts that we entertain is what creates an emotion. Which means if I think about the situation differently, I can feel differently about it. Most of us feel like we can't forgive either ourselves or somebody else because we're holding them accountable. That holds their actions accountable. It doesn't. It doesn't. And most people think that if I forgive myself or if I forgive them, I'm saying that what you did was okay. It doesn't communicate that at all. Who, why do you believe that? It doesn't have to be that. But if, if you were in an emotional state.

Right.

I've covered this a little bit, but I want to touch on it quickly. If you're in an emotional state of stressed, anxious, little frustrated, right. And your son in the kitchen shatter something, your response is going to be 10 times different than if you're in a peaceful place. Right? It's just gonna be.

Yeah.

One of them's gonna be like, hey, what are you doing in there? Right. The other one is gonna be like, hey, are you okay?

Is everything okay? That's such. That's. That's a great analogy. You see what I mean?

So did you change as a parent?

No.

What change? Your emotional state dictated the action that you took.

Yep.

Okay, so if you make a mistake, guess, guess who did it? You did. But guess what caused it? Your emotional state. What caused your emotional state? Your headspace. Where I was in my head. That's why you hear people say it all the time. I didn't know what I was thinking.

Or, or like if you make a mistake, it's not always, I guess, depends what, in what realm. But if you make a mistake, you know, everyone does. But how you react to making that mistake, or right after you make that mistake, how do you handle it? How do you react?

Yeah, exactly. And so that's what I, I take them through a process where I'm like, okay, write down what went well, write down what didn't go well. And then Write down what you would do differently, because then, guess what? You're teaching yourself that I'm learning a lesson from this.

Exactly.

And you're able to start releasing it. And then you need to see the situation as that does not mark me as a person or as my value, because all that was happening was the. Was a specific thought process that I was in. In that moment that I had never challenged before. And I'll use this analogy. If you go outside, bro, and you turn on the water hose, you're trying to water your. Your plants, and there's no water coming out, and you look back at the water hose, and there's a knot in the water hose, do you throw the water hose away? No.

Rhetorical question, right? Yeah.

You take the knot out. So with us, bro, it's not that we need to throw our entire value away. We just need to address the knot that happened. And I'm glad that now I see it, because now I can address it so that the water flows again the way it's supposed to. It's the same way with forgiveness, man.

And also, you know, I think we should touch on the fact that sometimes. And this goes right back to what you were talking about. Your. Your. Your mindset or mind space. My mindset, Really? A lot of people don't turn around and even look for a knot. Yeah. They just throw the damn water hose. Right. You know, so if. If you're not in the right mindset and willing to observe, to identify.

Yeah.

What's holding you back or whatever the situation may be.

Yeah.

Because a lot of people don't. They just. And. And they just sucks for them, you know, And. And then for those that look back, see a knot and still throw it down. Yeah. Well, probably. Well, I don't know. Yeah. They're probably equally kind of effed, but. Or equally need some. Some work and hopefully hearing this.

Well, yeah, because I want you guys to address the knot that happened when I. When I was being unfaithful. There was a knot, man. There was a knot that I hadn't addressed yet. And when I finally saw it and I started realizing what.

Can we dig into that a little bit? Like, when you say there was a knot, I wasn't addressing what. What was.

There was a deep root issue, bro. It's a deep root issue of self love, self worth. The way that I saw myself, the way that I saw women, and I had to address those things. I saw a woman as potentially hurting me because somebody had hurt me back in the day. And so to not get hurt. There was a self defense mechan created subconsciously where I'm going to step out before you have the chance of hurting me. There's a knot. It's not who I am as a person. And guess what?

Is that justifying being unfaithful?

I didn't know. No, that's not justifying it. That's what caused it. She didn't cause it. I caused it. Because I never did the deep work to heal that. Of course, it all started when I was like a teenager. So, you know, now I've done the work. Right. But that doesn't justify it. That in no way or fashion did I just say it's okay what I did. No, what I did was not okay. Which is why now I'm a huge advocate for actually doing the deep work so that you stop doing these things.

No, I was just.

You know what I mean?

I was just wondering like what was in going through your head when you were. Because at the time, you justified it.

At the, at the time.

At the time of the act?

Yeah. No, at the time, bro. It's not like you consciously think about doing it. Your subconscious runs 94 to 97 of what you do every day. So you don't, you don't reprogram your subconscious. You're doing stupid. I haven't cussed on here in a minute without even knowing you're why you're doing stupid stuff. You see what I'm saying?

But oftentimes, like addicts or people that make such decisions, they, they, they find a way to justify it. Like you just said, like I, I would, like, I'm going to step out before someone steps out on me. That's your way of justifying it? Yeah, at that time.

Yeah, at that time.

That's kind of what I'm getting at is like right now, like a lot of people that are doing things, if they're being unfaithful or if they're, you know, maybe it's a revenge thing or, you know, f her. If she's going to do it to me, I'm going to do it back type thing. Yeah, those are the things. And that's the reason I only reason I brought it up was not to like call you out, but more so to get people to think about if they're doing things to think about. Like, okay, I'm justifying it. Like, when was the last time you did something you weren't supposed to do, whether it was a drug or drink or cheat or just, you know, not show up to something you were supposed to show up to whatever the case, you justified it. Like, well, I, I work two jobs or I'm too tired here, I'm gonna.

I'm gonna hit that, bro. Because that's assuming that you're, that you're fully present. You're looking at it from a present moment. You're saying you knew what the hell you were doing and you self justified it.

No, no, I'm not talking about me. I'm talking about anybody out there listening.

No, I know, I know. But what you're saying is anybody who does anything that they regret in, to some degree in the moment, you justified it. What I'm saying is that is what a present.

I'm saying, what I'm saying is that.

Is what a present person says.

Okay?

That's what a present person says. Someone who's conscious right now, let me give you a good example. Most people, most single parents have unforgiveness towards themselves or guilt or regret because they're not present with their kids. I wasn't present in this moment. I wasn't, I missed out on this moment. I didn't enjoy it to the max in that moment. Subconsciously they justified it because I'm going through a hard time, but they weren't conscious of doing that. You see what I'm saying?

Yes.

So it's not like if we were conscious about that. Like, am I justifying this right now? You would probably take a different action because you're conscious in the moment. But what's happening is you're running subconsciously. So that's why you need self forgiveness, because you're going to do that as a human. It's going to happen time and time and time again. It's going to happen every day in smaller ways, sometimes in bigger ways. And it's because I was not in the right headspace. Because if I was present I would have said, is this really something that I want to do right now? And more than likely you would say no. And you would take a different train of action, which is why it's so incredibly important to learn how to like become aware and conscious daily.

And kind of the point I'm trying to make for, for anyone, because nobody's perfect. And while in certain areas I've met, I've, I've trained my brain and I know to think about my actions before I do. Think about what I'm going to say before I do it. Step out of the room and, and take a break. If I don't think that I can have a Rational conversation.

Yeah.

And for those people that are dealing with things presently and are kind of on the brink, you know, they're going through custody battles or going through a divorce and dealing with these things, I'm just trying to kind of get in their heads to maybe be present and think that way. So less self forgiveness is necessary down the road, I guess. If that makes sense.

Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. That makes sense.

I mean, I know, I know. We're talking about.

That could lead to a huge guilt trip, though, if it's like, if that's you, like, I don't know.

What do you mean?

Because that's almost like saying foreign. It's putting the expectation to almost perfection. And the. The fact of the matter is, you're gonna like, bro, yesterday I failed. Yesterday, I was not present with my little girl. I was not present with her because I was. I was so focused on stuff for the house. I was so focused on these other things that I knew I needed to get done, so it led me to not be present. So if. If I. If I'm like, dude, great, I wasn't present. Now I'm just kicking my ass again. So guess what I'm gonna do tomorrow, I'm not gonna be present. But if I just channel it to, how do I want to show up instead? And I recognize, you know what, I wasn't being a bad dad. I was in a bad headspace. Tuesday, I'm gonna be intentional about it, and now I'm focused on the solution more than the problem. You see what I'm saying?

Well, yes, I. I know exactly what you're saying. And that's kind of my point is to better show up as a good parent, as a good dad. If you can train, you know, start thinking like, I know I need to. Like, yesterday you didn't show up, but you didn't stop and think. So are you effectively learning from your lessons as you go? If you're, you know. And all I'm trying to do is.

Yeah.

Is.

Oh, I see what you're saying.

So if. If you can effectively start thinking before you do or don't do.

Yeah.

Then it will cut down on things that you have to, you know, self forgive or learn or, you know, and that way it will demonstrate. All right. I. I'm actually learning.

Yeah.

As I go. And if you're learning as you go, then those things will naturally.

Yeah.

Start to digress.

Yes, exactly. The failures will be, like, less big. They'll be smaller.

Exactly.

Which I think is obviously. Obviously really good. The. The Last thing I want to hit on that I really want to encourage you with is what voice are you talking to yourself with, man, when you're talking yourself through these things?

Yeah.

Because if you're calling yourself an idiot and you're this and that, you're not gonna, you're not really gonna forgive yourself. You might be bringing truth so that matter.

So what, so what, what, what mind space should you be in?

Like, how would you talk to your son? That's what I always tell my clients. That's if Your son was 5 years old and he messed up, is he an idiot? Is he, is he a jacked up human?

Awesome.

Or did he make a mistake?

Awesome. Answer me.

And, and, and are you going to, how are you going to address your son in that moment? Right? Are you going to tell him like, hey, I want you to hold on to this as long as you possibly can because I want you to feel bad about it so that you never, ever, ever do it again. Or are you gonna be like, son, you made a mistake and I need you to let that go. That's not who you are. That's not like it doesn't affect your value as a person. That's not who you're gonna grow up to be. We're gonna learn from this and this is what we're learning from it.

So tell me what you learned. They tell you what they learned. And so yeah, that's, that's a great segue into wrapping this up because that's.

That'S a, there's a follow up to that though, because if your son in five years, like, are you going to be bringing that up to him again?

Well, that's a good point because.

We.

Talked about different seasons and different levels of maturity and things of that nature. So. But you, whatever the case may be, you can still, you said if, you know, talk to your five year old son.

Yeah.

But you can also apply it to talking to your 15 year old son.

Yeah.

So.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Exactly.

And my question was, what mind space should you be in? And the way you answered it was perfect.

Yeah.

How would you talk to your son or daughter? Exactly.

And while I was saying about bringing it back up, it's like, are you going to constantly beat your son up about what he did year after year after year?

Absolutely. No, I'm just kidding.

So it's like, why would you do that? Why would you do that to yourself and expect yourself to let it go? You know what I mean?

That, that is a, the perfect point.

Yeah.

So well said, Frank.

So Franklin, so hopefully that encourages you, man. I know this was a pretty, pretty good episode, man. I think it was really powerful. It was pretty intense. And we, man, we could dive. It's because we could dive so deep into these things. But hopefully it gave you enough truth, enough tools that you can actually start using today to start forgiving yourself and releasing that. Because the fact of the matter is if you do not forgive yourself, you. You're going to constantly fall back into the same cycles. The best way to start breaking out of those patterns that you hate. We all have patterns that we don't like about ourselves 100%. The best way to do that is to start operating in self forgiveness. And guess what? It's just gonna make you a better person, man. You're gonna learn to forgive people. You're gonna give people second chances, third chances, and you're gonna learn how to establish healthy boundaries as well and to.

Comprehend people do and can change.

Yes.

And I just want to like wrap up with that and hope that everything that we talked about, we just want you to apply to whatever your situation is and hope that it helps you in some form or fashion. And I think if you do, it will.