Maximizing the time I have with my kids.

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I hope everyone is doing phenomenal. We're going to jump right into it today. Our last episode. If you heard it, this kind of goes hand in hand to some extent, and it's really like divorce and custody. How to make the most of your time with your kids when you have them. And there are, again, countless ways to do this. And Frank has some phenomenal ideas he's going to kick us off with.

I don't know about phenomenal, just very practical stuff. Okay, man, have you ever gotten a gift where you just kind of know that they just bought it because they're like, this might be nice for them, but there's not a lot of thought put into it. Then you get a gift that's probably not nearly as expensive, but there was a lot of thought put behind it, and you're like, dang, dude, I really like this. I feel like it's the same thing with our kids, bro. Like, time with our kids. And same thing with dates. The best dates I've ever been on are dates that I was literally. I set some time apart and was like, okay, I want to plan something dope, and I'm gonna plan the details of it, all right?

Kind of dope. Did y' all smoke?

No Dope was smoking. But, bro, what I've noticed is the same thing with my little girl. Like, whenever I go in with the intention of, okay, I just. I'm gonna have a good time with my little girl. I know everybody says, like, man, I just want to have fun with my kids. Okay, but what. What does that look like? Like, we need some details. Because I just want to have fun with my kid is so vague. Like, define fun. Do you want to chill? Is that fun? Do you want to laugh? Is that fun? Do you want to go to a water park? Is that fun? Do they enjoy that? You see, I'm saying yeah. And so for me, like, I start asking those questions, and I start thinking about those things before I see her. So, like, tomorrow, I'll be honest. Tomorrow at about noon, I'll start thinking, like, okay, you know, like, what kind of fun do I want to have with my little girl on the drive home after I pick her up from school. And then I'll be intentional about it, whether it's we, you know, put on Jurassic World, the theme song, and then we start acting like there's dinosaurs out there and we're headed into Jurassic World, which is something that we do quite often, or whether it is the Lilo and Stitch soundtrack and we're singing Roller Coaster Ride or whatever the heck it is, like, it doesn't really matter. But I know that I'm going in with an intention of what type of mood I'm going to set and then my weekends with her. I'm also very intentional. And here's something that I do want to say. Sometimes the most loving thing that we can give somebody, even our kids, doesn't involve us. Let me give you a good example.

Please do.

I started thinking about my childhood, and then I started thinking about my cousin's childhoods that were divorced that inevitably ended up.

You mean came from a divorced family like their parents? Yes.

Yes, their parents were divorced. Right.

Just clarify.

Yeah, no, that's actually really good that you did that. So their parents were divorced. And I remember when we were younger kids, like, I didn't really think about it much then, because your parents weren't divorced exactly, but. But they came to start living with their parent from my side of the family. So then we were able to see them a lot more now that we're older. What they've said is the reason why I came to live with. With my dad or with my mom, whichever parent was that was part of our family. It was like, it was because I had so many cousins here that I could play with. It was because I. I just had fun with all of you guys, so I wanted to be here. To me, this was family, right? And so I started thinking about that, and I was like, dang, dude. Like, how selfish of it is it of me being. Being a dad, that every time that I have my little girl, she has to be with me. And I get it because I am divorced and I don't get to see her all the time now. But I can tell you something. This summer, when I started spending more. More and more time with her, and then I started being more intentional about her spending time with her cousin. It's like something switched in her, man. It's like she. She always enjoyed being with Papa. Right? Because that's what she calls me, Papa. But then it went to the next level, where now all she wanted to do was be over here all the Time was because she was getting a good balance of like, papa and then time with her cousins and time with her aunt and uncle and all of this. And so I started realizing that sometimes the best thing that I can give her is time. Not with me, but time with her cousin.

And you know what? I. I'm very empathetic and can relate, even though my situation is night and day, but it's not really. So for those of you, if you're not a first time listener, know that my wife passed away and I'm a single dad because of that. And, but, and I don't have any family on my side. And on my late wife's side, my son has. Oh, gosh, I lost count somewhere in the 10 to 12 cousin range that live within half an hour of us.

Wow.

So. And his grandma, which is essentially his mom kind of because she's, you know, I. My mom's dead, so that's just kind of his. His mom as far as like the nurturing and everything. So I, I have. Let. Let him. I shouldn't say let him. I, I love the fact that he has been able to spend the summers with his cousins and that I'm just so blessed that he has family.

Yeah.

On that side of the family, because he has none with me. And it would be super selfish of me to, hey, you know, stay, Stay at home with me.

Yeah.

And don't go spend the time with his cousins who he's tight with and, you know, they're like best friends. And he loves his grandma, just, you know, like a mom. So, you know, that's something that I've had to be very cognizant of.

Yeah.

And, and, and just like, what? I would, I love to spend more time with him. Yes. But I would love to get closer to him and, you know, do things that he gets to do, you know, when it comes to, you know, Thanksgiving and things like that. But I want him to have what I had growing up.

Family. Yeah.

And the situation just is what it is.

Yeah.

So it's not, you know, boohoo for me. It's, hey, what's best for my kid.

Exactly. That's the key, is don't make it about yourself. And I know we've talked about that on the podcast before because I could make it out, I could make it about myself where I'm like, well, I'm not going to spend that much time with her, so I need to spend all the weekend with her when I'm like, well, I can still spend the weekend with her. But she's playing with her cousin right now and she knows daddy's there, Right? You know what I'm saying? It's just different. It's different. And I think that's selfless love, man. I think that's genuine love of like. Okay, you know what? I gen not saying that if you don't do that, you, you don't love your kids. Right. But what I am saying is, like, I think getting, getting to the place where we can be, like, what is the best for them? Even if I don't like it, even if I feel like I'm the one that's missing out, what's the best for them, I think that is going to give us like, the best reward. But then I also want to hit on this, man. Like, I don't want to complicate life too much, bro.

No.

Like, something that I realized about my little girl when she is with me is that she just likes being with me so I don't have to plan all these crazy things. Sometimes, sometimes it's just including her in the things that I'm doing and choosing to make that thing fun. That's it. That's it. Cleaning around the house. Find a way to make it fun. Put on some specific music, make it a challenge. Act like you're sonic and so you're actually moving as fast as you possibly can to get the stuff done. I'm just saying these are things that I do like with her. Like, like when we're building stuff, it's the exact same thing. You know, I. I try and bring it almost into her world, but then I try and bring her into my world and all she really cares is that she's with Papa. Doesn't really care what we're doing now. Now she is at the age where she's like, papa, I'm so bored. Right. And when she says that, I'm like, okay, baby, well, once we finish this, we can go do something, you know, but we got to finish this first.

And, and I apologize for kind of getting off topic a little bit when. A minute ago. But you know, like, back to our topic, like, what's the best way to spend time with your kids when you do have them? Right. We've. We've talked about, like, yeah. You know, there are times when we just need to self. Selflessly, you know, maybe give up time when it's best for them in situations.

Yeah.

But the times when, you know, especially for custody situations. Right.

Yeah.

Getting back to that, like when you have, you know, especially dads, you Know, we. We get. We get judged and missed. Stereotyped, or I shouldn't say miss. I should say stereotyped. And in a lot of different ways that, you know, it was unfair. And it's one of the reasons that we have this podcast and start this community, because it's BS in a lot of ways. But, you know, there's a lot of things that we can do to overcome such stereotypes. And like, when we have. When we know we're going to have our child or children for that time, like, we need to be better at planning and whether it's meal planning or having things to do and making sure that the time that we do have is spent.

Yeah.

You know, doing things. And I was telling you earlier, like, I was cleaning out some closet or a closet or whatever, and I found, like, all these games that I'm like, holy crap, I didn't even know we had these, but point being, have some, like, backup stuff. Some games, whether they're board games or. Some of the stuff I found were like, like set up this, like, indoor putting course.

That's sick.

It was like, some cool stuff I didn't even know we had. Like, I bought it at some point. Never got around. But, you know, just point is, is like, have some stuff. Have some backup stuff. Maybe if, you know, you can't do what you had planned because the weather or whatever, or maybe finances are low and you're trying to, you know, save that weekend so, you know, have some. Some activities, like, planned out because we are all notorious stereotypically for not planning, and I kind of fit that stereotype, so. So do I. But, you know, a lot of us do. But, you know, like, and a lot of us, you know, we have that weekend and we still have, you know, we. We have. We still have, like, work and our own to do. So let's like, kind of think, okay, well, if we have this planned or when they go to bed, I can do this or, you know, plan those. Those things that you have to do before back to work on Monday and plan around whatever, you know, kind of plan accordingly. Plan, plan, plan. Yeah, whatever that means to you. You know, there's apps, there's just writing things down. Have backup plans. And another thing we were talking about, if you're single or not single, one of the best resources to find things to do for your kids. Moms. Yep. Single moms, married moms. Just moms.

Just moms in general.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It doesn't have to be your ex. Yeah, exactly.

Which, I mean, they might have a lot to say on what you should be doing with the kids.

Right. The whole point is, is, like, you know, you want to have things planned, and I'm just trying to, like, again, open your mind to things that we're often stereotyped on and often guilty of not planning and not having backup plans or. And. And we want our kids to have a good time. You know, we don't. You know, we don't want to drag them to Home Depot and drag them to run the errands that we have to run. Yeah. You know, I'm not saying don't give them chores to do once in a while and responsibilities, but let there be.

A reward, for crying out loud, when.

You get them, for, you know, an extended. A short amount of time, you know, it's a weekend. I mean, we can plan a weekend, you know?

Yeah. Yeah. It's very true. Dude. Here's the. Here's the thing that gets me sometimes, man. Like, there's a lot of dudes out here right now. I'm just gonna be honest with you, man.

Please.

You think you deserve the freaking world, and I'm. You do deserve the freaking world, but you don't get what you deserve in life, okay? You get what you put in. You think that you deserve some woman that loves you endlessly, unconditionally, all these different things, but you can't even plan a weekend. Come on, bro. You got. You gotta be. You gotta be able to lead. You got. You got to be able to lead to some degree, which is being proactive.

In reaching out to a mom.

It can be that. It can literally be that simple, right? Where you can get somebody to literally plan it for you. But, look, if you can't lead yourself emotionally, how do you expect to lead a family emotionally? If you can't lead yourself practically, how do you expect to lead something practically? You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm sorry, but I hear about.

I don't elaborate.

I just hear so much of it on, like, these dudes posting how, I need a queen. I need this, I need that. I'm like, well, a queen needs a king, and a king runs an empire. And. And he. And he rules it. And he is intentional about cultivating culture. That's what this episode's about, really, is, are you intentional about creating culture with your kids with the time that you have them? Are you even present with them? Like, that's. I think that's the biggest thing. The number one takeaway that I want everyone to get out of this is when you have your kids is be present, dude. Regardless of what you're doing, be present. Be present and, and get. Do whatever the hell you got to do to get present, bro. Like, I'm sorry. Do it.

Like, don't make. This is one thing that I, I, I feel like I need to say because I know it happens more than it should. Dads that, like, have, I got so much work to do, and they drag the problems into the weekend, and it's like, Johnny, Stacy or Cindy or whatever, I, I hope you guys, you know, understand, but. But Daddy's got to make the money. Mommy doesn't make it. Daddy has to. So you understand I got to do this. So you guys go over there and watch whatever. You know that that's just playing out.

That's the stereotype that we're trying to break with this podcast.

Exactly.

Literally, like, just be present. Be pre. Well, I don't know how. Well, focus on what you do have in those moments. I'm telling you what.

When you say be present. For those that don't know what be present means, can you please explain what present means?

Okay, for me, I can only speak for myself, man. I, I notice when I'm not present when my mind's running and I'm sitting here doing something with my little girl and my mind's running on the app.

That I'm building, my mind is presence. Mentally. Not exactly.

And that is what creates so much parent guilt, too, bro. Like, if you're struggling with parent goes because you're not present. And if you're not present, you're not experiencing time with your kid like you want to. So you're not the parent that you know that you should be. And it's just, it's a vicious cycle. So to present, here's something that I do, man. Like, I catch myself that my mind's just running and it's not there right now. And you know what that feels like. Don't play dumb. You're. If you're listening to this, be honest with yourself. You know what that feels like. So I look at my little girl, bro. I literally look at her, and what I start doing is I start thanking God. Like, God, thank you so much for such a beautiful little girl. I cannot believe that you trusted me with her. And all of a sudden I just start thinking about how incredible she is. And now I'm fully present. Now I'm there with her now. Now I'm there, and it's almost like I have to do that. I have to focus in that type of Way to then be able to genuinely enjoy the moments that I have with her in that moment. And then from that moment on, I'm present.

What are your thoughts on this? If I have the weekend or three days or whatever with. With my. With my kids. Right. If I make my goal that when I drop them off, we had an amazing time. They had an amazing time, and they don't want to leave because. And they hug me so tight because that's what I provided for them in our time together. During our time together.

Yeah.

If you make that your goal from the beginning, that involves a few of the things that I mentioned. Planning. Whether it's meal planning or having some. Some activities planned. Yeah. You know, reaching out to other kids, moms, or parents, having some backup things. I'm just kind of, like, kind of summarizing what.

Yeah.

I said over the past 10 minutes. But make your goal at the end of your time together, your kids hug you and say, thank you, Dad. I had an amazing time. Can't wait to see you again. And if that's your goal, then you're gonna do things along the way, like plan and, like, have backup things and reach out to people, be resourceful and, you know, that's just, in my opinion, a good way to, you know, be there for them and. And make the best of the time that you have when you have them.

Exactly, bro. I think that should be the goal every single time. I don't think the goal should be, how are they gonna make me feel better? I'm sorry, dude. Like, I know for a lot of people, that's what it is right now.

Like, I need to see anybody goes in thinking that way, but.

But they show up that way.

But at the same time, they do without knowing it. But, yeah, they're not. They're just. But they're not present.

Yeah. Because they're trying to get a need met by a little human that doesn't even know.

You know, they justify stuff like, well, I've got. If I don't get this done for work, then I'm not going to be able to pay for their volleyball or their soccer or their baseball or whatever. That's their thought process. If I don't do this, who's going to pay for it? Mom's not going to pay for it. And, you know, that's kind of a way to.

Dude, bro. Especially if you have, like, the. The schedule that, like, I have where I don't have my little girl every single day. Which means what, today I get to work late if I Want. If I choose to, I get to put a little bit more hours in if I choose to. Tomorrow I get her till 8:30, so I don't get to do that. Wednesday, I don't have her. So guess what I get to do. I get to put a little bit more hours in if I want to. You see what I'm saying? So. So for anyone who's divorced who's like, you know, when I'm with them, I have to get this stuff done. Like, okay, I get it. Sometimes there is things that we have to get done, you know, and that's just life. I get that. But at the same time it's like, are you utilizing the rest of your time as a blessing? Because honestly, bro, my divorce like schedule, my custody schedule is a massive blessing or else I would not be able to do the things that I do and I would not be able to provide for my daughter the way that I provide for her. And I would not be able to create the potential future for her that I want to create.

Exactly. And you know, I have my son full time, minus summers, which we just talked about. And you know, I woke up early, did my thing, came here. We worked on apps, specifically the single dance podcast. New app 2.0 comes out very easy.

Like 10 times better, by the way. Everyone.

Yes. And then we record episodes. I go home, take him, I'm his driving instructor. And get the bond during that, which is cool. And yell at him for almost getting us in a wreck. No, I'm just kidding. But for real. Have dinner and then prepare for our live support group tonight, which usually goes from 9, 8 or 9am 9pm to question mark. So I, I find a way to fit it all in. And you know, Mondays are our kind of. What do you call it? Yeah, volunteer days.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Exactly where we get to work on Passion Project. But I, I just want to encourage everyone. The biggest takeaway that I want you to take away from the episode is that like be present on the, on your custody weekends. Just be present. And presence is something that we practice. You can't just like be completely in your head all week and then expect on the weekend to be present. No, it's a muscle that you train. It's like the number one muscle we should be training, but we don't.

Neuroplasticity, kinda.

It's really just catching yourself over and over and over again. It's not visualizing you being present. I mean, you can do that too. But I think more than anything, it's catching yourself whenever you're not present. Like, if, bro, I was out to eat with our boy Cody the other day, and I have so much fun with that fool, and I wasn't present.

Why is he a fool then?

Because he makes me laugh. But I was. I was, like, literally sitting there, and he was talking to me about some stuff that he was going. And I was like, bro, I'm not even paying attention to him. And I even said. I was like, bro, I'm so sorry. I didn't hear anything you just said. And then I remember, I reminded myself, like, bro, come back to the moment. All that other stuff. You're gonna handle it. Come back to the moment, though. Come back to the moment and actually enjoy the moment, because you don't know when you're gonna have it again. And so the more that I practice that, guess what happens? The more that I get to do that with that when I'm with my little girl. But if you never practice being present, don't expect to be present when you do have your kids. It's not just a light switch. That's just gonna happen. And.

And it is something that you should practice with everyone that you.

Yeah.

Sit down with. And, you know, it's like, we all have those friends that, like, you know, you want to confide in or talk to and tell them, and you can just tell them like this. Yeah, this fool's not paying attention to me. He's not listening to a freaking word I'm saying. Therefore, I'm just gonna sit here and talk about him until he pays attention.

Yeah, right.

Which I've done.

And then they're like, yeah, man, that's crazy. All right.

Sorry, we're off topic.

No, but yeah, just focus on being present. And if you're a single dad and you're looking to get into, like, a relationship eventually, like, a woman wants a man that's present, just like you would want a woman that's present. Like, you wouldn't want to be there talking to somebody about your day, and they're just, like, off in, like, their own world. Like.

And honestly, if you think about it, like, using. Using a mom as a resource to.

I mean, that sounds so bad. Using a mom as a resource.

Crickets. No, but. All right, I'm gonna say again, using a mom as a resource for your kids.

Yeah.

And as a way to demonstrate. Hey, I know that you're more resourceful than I am, so that's why I'm coming to you. Can you maybe provide some ideas that I can do with my daughter? Or son. And looks like you got some good things going on over here. And boom, meet a mom. Maybe another. Maybe another. And you also.

Maybe you start vibing with the mom. Single mom, not a married mom. The whole point. Yeah, yeah. No, for real. Like, you utilize everything I'm saying, man.

It's like, literally, like, being resourceful. And if you're single. And it is a great way to not only demonstrate to other moms that, hey, look at this guy who's able to reach out and act like he doesn't, you know, somebody who doesn't know at all.

Yeah.

You know, and he's looking for someone who might have something that he has no clue about, which is everything.

Yep.

But at any rate, to. To get the most out of your time with your kids, there's so many things that we can do. And it all starts with, you know, thinking about being present, planning certain things. Yeah. And, you know, always having backup and not dragging your shit into their time or your time with them, because, again, it's your time with your kids. If you have to work, do it when they're sleeping. Do it when they're out having fun doing an activity. And it doesn't require you to stare and be involved. Whatever. I hope that somehow, some way, somebody got something out of this. Even though we've got off topic 19 times.

Oh, no, it was still pretty on topic, though. It's still pretty on topic.

We'll let the listeners decide.

So. Yeah.

There you go.

Gentlemen, make sure that you spend you. Yeah. And ladies, make sure that 19 of our listeners. Ladies, make sure that you are just being intentional about the weekends. I know that it takes a little bit of effort. It doesn't take hard work, just takes effort. There's a. There's a big difference.

It's consideration, just planning.

Exactly. And the more that we do it, the more that it'll be habitual. So it'll become part of who we are, and it won't be as taxing to our energy. So let's just start implementing those things now because our kids do deserve to have, you know, incredible parents and incredible memories, and we are honestly responsible for creating those with them. So get out there and create some memories, man.

It.