My ex keeps talking bad about me...

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Today.

We've got a good episode for you. We're going to jump straight into it. I want to talk. Me and Scott really want to hit on the topic of, you know, whenever an ex is talking bad about you. And this could be in co parenting, this could be just after a divorce, this could be, you know, even family members talking about you. Because we know that when, when you go through situations like everything that we cover on this podcast, people tend to talk.

Yeah. I mean every single buddy out there has gone through.

Every single buddy.

Every, every single body. Every single body has gone through it in, in some form or fashion. And a lot of us has, have gone through it, you know, consistently and it's exhausting. Yeah. And the fact that we allow it to have an effect on us is really kind of what we want to touch on, you know, because you have the ability to block it out or you know, there's so many ways to go about it and to, to demonstrate that if they want to be the negative person and continue to say negative things, you can choose to react, not react, react in a, you know, kind of. I, I don't know how to react to that. And just kind of let it go. Yeah.

Just being different about it.

Almost exactly. And so everybody out there, everybody out there that is, is currently dealing with, you know, whatever your situation may be, you know, Frank, what, what, what would you say to them if they're exhausted and in this, this situation because they're, they're literally fueling the fire. Right. If they're reacting and because that's, you know, people sometimes even they're, they're, they're so, I mean, I don't know, so such a. Holes that they just do stuff to like get, get a rise out of you and like push your buttons, you know, and people allow it. So what, what can we tell people to provide a solution, a way to not let it have such a negative effect on your life and especially on, on your other kids lives. And you know, that's something we've touched on before. You know, it's like the last thing in the world you want to do. Is, you know, kids, they hear everything. And the last thing you want to do is let that negativity be a part of your kids, you know, witnessing as they grow up.

Yeah, yeah, no, exactly, bro. First off, I just want to say I'm so proud of you for saying a holes instead of the forward. I think last, last week, bro, I noticed that on one of the episodes you said F, and then on the second episode, you actually said the word. And I was like, we were this close, going non explicit.

I'm working. I'm working on it, man. I really am. It's not intentional.

No, I know sometimes it's. It adds a little bit of a you seasoning to the episodes, which is awesome, bro. But yeah, no, it's so frustrating. And it can be so frustrating because you have things that are being said about you that aren't true, and you know that they're not true. Right. But this is, this is the thing, like, whenever you choose to say something and to address it, it's almost as if you have the illusion that by you doing that, you're going to change that person's mind. Right. And so I think the first thing that we have to ask ourselves whenever we're going to even waste our breath is, is this person capable and willing to even consider this fact that I'm about to bring up to them? More than likely, if it's an ex in that moment, they're not. They're. They're. They're just not. Right.

And we don't want to. We don't want to make assumptions, but. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Right. And if you want to say, like I always say, communicate it, your disagreement. And then after that, depending on what they do, like, you either just don't say anything at all anymore and you just let them keep talking mess, or you waste your energy and lose your peace and lose your calm and get stress and continue to try and convince them to stop and try and convince everybody in the world that they're a liar, that they're talking all this mess. Right. And so, yeah, bro, that, that. That's what I think. Honestly, like, what you give your attention to grows.

Exactly.

And so it's like, what, What. What are you going to give your attention to? For me, I know whenever this happened, because this happened to me, right in my situation, I didn't defend myself at all. At all. At all. I remember people sending me screenshots of stuff and I just remember telling them, like, man, she must really be hurting if she has to go to that extent. That that was literally my response. And I was like, whoever chooses to believe her is going to believe her regardless of what I say, so they can just go out and have it. And I'm just gonna allow this. Like, it was so weird thinking that I was actually doing this three years ago, like, in my own head. Right. But in my own head, I was just like, I'm just gonna allow this to filter out the people that don't belong in my life. It's gonna filter them right out because they're gonna. They're gonna walk behind her and believe what she's saying. And that's the people that clearly don't know my heart. Clearly don't know me.

Exactly.

And didn't even take the time to chat about it. So why would I go out there and waste my breath to convince someone who's already created their own idea in their head of me? Like, it just makes no sense.

It makes no sense. But that's. That's coming from a logical, rational thought process. And yeah, unfortunately, not everyone is capable.

Of.

Having a rational and logical thought process, so they tend to react and then it becomes a thing. And that's when it becomes a negative part or negative part of your life in some form or fashion. And, you know, like, you. You're going to take whatever they said and go complain to other people. Oh, so, and so saying this about me and that about me, and then you're. It's just like you're dumping negativity on, on other people that you're gonna scare away. So, I mean, it's. It's a vicious cycle, and you can be the, the one that stops said cycle by doing exactly what you just said. And, and, bro, like, think about this.

You remember the, the Johnny Depp and Amber Heard case thing, right?

Yeah, A lot of humor in that.

Yeah. But, bro, think about this. Like, I remember watching some of that and knowing that Johnny Depp was gonna win because of how he didn't really defend himself whenever he got attacked and stuff. That he was like, no, no, even.

Even, even, even his attorneys were kind of in. In that situation, which was rare and. But funny.

It's like, but think about it, bro. Like, whenever Amber heard was, like, trying to defend herself. I mean, she went above and beyond to try and convince everyone and clearly displayed that you're trying to convince us. Right? And it's like, this is how I think about it, right, Bro, it's like in sales, if you're trying to convince them to believe what you're saying, you come off as needy. Right. But if you. If you change the mindset to where it's. I'm not trying to convince you to believe what I'm saying. I just want you to believe that I believe what I'm saying. That's it. If you come across it with that mindset now, all you say is like, yeah, absolutely, I never did that. Never said that. And you say it with certainty. Like, that's all you got to do. That's. You just addressed it.

Another thing, like, I remember when I was younger, my. My dad, he was a store manager of a big retailer outlet or store, and he would tell me, like, when he would have to deal with, like, hostile, you know, customers and whatnot, which is, you know, pretty frequent in retail. And I remember this as. As like a teenager, he would say. He would just stand there with his hands behind his back, and they would be raising their voice really loud and yelling and being irrational and erratic, and he would just stand there and listen. Listen, and then speak back in a very low tone, very, you know, well, ma', am, I'm very sorry that that happened and, like, reacted in a way that they would not expect. And it stuck with me, man. And then is like, you know, when you react like that, then they won't continue to yell because it makes them sound just completely like. Like a freak show. Like that. They are. And. Yeah, but by. By just, you know, doing the exact opposite of what they want you to do, which is, well, who knows? And what they want, but. But just reacting in a very monotone, calm way. It's. You know, it's hard to continue yelling at somebody that's doing that. Right.

That's very true. And it's hard to continue talking smack about somebody who just doesn't really care. It's like, yeah, did you watch 8 Mile back in the day?

Oh, dude. Yeah.

Yeah.

Classic.

Yeah, it's like when B. Rabbit, like, you know, crapped on himself. Nobody else could crap on him. He went up there and he did it on himself. He outed himself.

He took everything and. Yeah, he took everything that they could say and made it. Made the entertainment value on himself and said, yep, you guys, and took all.

The power away from them. Like, what if. What if. What if that's what you did, right? Like, your ex is talking smack or whatever your situation is, whoever's listening to this, right? What if. What if they're doing all of that? And what if you took that same energy and you. Somebody was like, man, did you hear this and that? And your attitude was Maybe she's right. I guess we'll find out eventually. And he just. That's it. That person would be like, whoa, like, bro, that dude does not care that this person is talking about him. And eventually like, like the issue might die down and they, or they might start talking. But at the end of the day, the thing is like, you can only control how you respond. That's it. And if you just keep focusing on what you can't control, you're gonna get anxious, you're gonna be stressful and then that rolls over until like now with your kids, you're not present there, that you're not present at work, you're stressing out, you're not enjoying life anymore. Like if they're going to talk, they're going to talk regardless. So you might as well be in a pretty peaceful state to be able to handle it the way that you want to handle it. Not on their.

Absolutely. And if you're going to, if we're going to put that, put this in the co parenting realm, you know that it's just a really, really like, like I just gave you an example. Like I remember from when I was a teenager or a youngster, you know, maybe I was in like middle school or junior high or whatever. And you know, like so the way your, your dad handles situations.

Yeah.

Rubs off on you and you remember these things. So you know, just, just for all those dads out there who, even if it's not a co parenting situation, just there, maybe you're with your kid or kids out and you know, you know there's an accident, you, I don't know, you accidentally bump somebody or you drop something in front of somebody or something happens to make somebody like flip out on you, how you handle that situation is, is really key and it's just something to think about, you know, when you're with your, when you are with your kids or they're present, you know, all those situations, you know, if you're cursing and, and reacting in that way or, or just driving, you know, some people are, you know, yeah, yeah, yeah, road rage. I can come up with an example after example. But if you're with your kids in any form or fashion, whether it's a co parenting or just hanging out with them, and how you handle those situations is so key, man. So that's something to think about too, you know.

And yeah, and I'll, I'll end, I'll end with this because that's so true, like how you handle things. And I think the root of everything is I don't think you necessarily feel like you have to defend yourself if you operate out of good character and integrity. Right? And so I think. I think that's the root of it is like, let's. Let's focus on. On walking in character and having integrity, whatever it is that your. Your values specifically align with. Right. Like, I hear and be here to tell you exactly what you need to do. But whatever your values are, whatever you want to stand for, I think that if you. If you know that I'm walking, I'm walking accordingly to those values, right? And I'm upholding my own character. I think at that moment, whenever anybody starts talking smack about you, because people will talk, you can. You can have that. That. That courage and that confidence to just kind of be like, let them talk. Because I've got something that is going to uphold, like my character, which is my integrity. Right? And so I think. I think that I didn't even think about that when we were going to start talking about this, but I think that is probably the key thing that I would encourage anybody here to, like, run away with on the. From this episode.

Absolutely. I agree 100%. Great way to end my man. And just FYI, if the sound, for those of you who don't watch and just listen, if the sound on this episode is kind of different, it's. Frank is in Detroit and I'm in Dallas, so we had to do do it via Zoom, which isn't something that we typically do, but it's so important that we get these episodes to you guys. That's why we had to do it, and that's why the sound might be a little off. Hopefully not too bad.

No, I'll make. I'll make it sound pretty darn good on post.

Of course you will, buddy.

Yeah. But, guys, thank you guys so much for tuning in. We're. We're going to continue to release two episodes a week, so come hang out with us, man. And if you guys got any topic requests, send them in through the Single Dads podcast app so that we can cover specific topics that you're navigating, and we can give just our insight and even just, you know, chat about.