Parenting anxiety as a single parent

So you just became a single dad and you're probably thinking, what the heck am I gonna do now? That's probably a good place to start today, right, Scott?

I think so.

So in your case, brother, since you have a little bit different and it's going to be cool just to kind of hear, you know, your side, my side, since it's two completely different circumstances. But I think there's people that have gone through both. Right, Absolutely. So in your situation happened suddenly, obviously, you know, you, you lost your wife to, you know, cancer. So you were kind of, you entered into f. Single dadhood, I guess you could say, in a different way than me. And the circumstances are way different because I still have to like co parent and things of that nature. And then with you, it's just a little bit different. So what was like, what was that first adjustment? Like, what were the thoughts that ran through your mind and what was the actions that you had to take?

Well, so the thoughts that ran through my mind, I have no clue what I could go back because they were all. I was all over the place.

Yeah. As you might imagine. Yeah.

So, well, she passed away in the summertime. And so one promise that I made to her was getting my son or our son into a private school. And so I didn't think about it. She actually had brought it up and I was like, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. Don't worry about anything. Just where do you want him to go? That's all I cared about.

Wow.

So fortunately got him in and didn't even think about the fact that it was over an hour round trip to take him.

Jeez.

So that's one thing that was just like, you know, I had to get up, do, do that and sometimes come back before going into work because the business I had at the time, we didn't really get moving until about 10, 10:30.

Yeah.

So. And then obviously I had to leave at a time that wasn't always ideal.

Yeah.

And you know, so from. If you really think. Well, if I really think about it, the, the triangle from office to school to our house was an hour plus. So I mean, well over an hour. So it was just that, that in itself was one thing that I remember just being a real whip.

Yeah, dude, I can imagine.

But I mean, there's just, there's so many things that as we discussed a little bit and touched on in, I think episode one, there's. It's hard to mentally get ahead of, you know, these things and, and think about them. So it's you know, I, I, I, I struggled big time, man. Yeah, I really did. And I, I bet. Well, I know anyone that's in a similar situation to me. Yeah, is, is struggling and, you know, maybe that way, but multiple other ways as well. And, you know, just, you know, I think we were talking earlier, it's like no matter what we do as a single dad, just to me, it's, sometimes it just doesn't ever to me feel like it's enough. Yeah, I always feel like I want to do more. I want to do more, but we can only do so much.

Yeah, I mean, that's, that's the reality.

And it, that's a, that's just an ongoing struggle for me. And I know I kind of just shifted gears a little bit, but it's okay. It's just on my mind and it's our podcast.

We can do whatever we want on it.

Valid. Valid. But yeah, man, I, I don't know. What, what? Do you ever feel like that?

Yeah, I feel like that every single day. You mean? It's like I was watching, I was going through Tick Tock the other day and I saw. I'm obsessed with Tick Tock. Tick Tock's just a really good go to. If you need a laugh or you need some inspiration or just whatever. You can see the dumbest things on there, but then you can also find some gems.

I know, but some of the dumbest things are the funniest. Exactly.

But yeah, man, I, I feel like that often. And I, I saw a TikTok and it was a, it was a, a dad. And he, he showed like the, like him sitting on the couch and he said, like in text, it said when you finally put them to sleep. Right. But for me, it's a little bit different. It's like when they go away to like the mom's house and he was like. And you sit down and you finally resting and, but then you see their clothes or like their toy, and then you just think, dang, couldn't I have played with her just a little bit more? Couldn't I have just listened a little bit more? Couldn't I have just been a little bit more intentional in this, in this moment? In this moment, and that just starts coming to your mind and it's like a flood, like a floodgate just opens of. It's like you don't even remember anything that you did. Right. You just think about what you should have done or could have done. You know what I mean?

That's a really good way of Putting it sadly, but yeah.

And it's terrible because I'm. I'm a good dad. You know what I mean? And my little girl, it's the. She's a testimony to it. She, like, loves me so much, you know, but at the same time, it's like you can never get away from that mindset or those thoughts. And I think a lot of times we have to remember that, like, our thoughts aren't reality and they aren't fact. So just because it feels, feels, and you're thinking that you didn't do enough, like, I have to constantly remind myself, like, I. I did do a good job. Can I do more? Yes. We can always do more. Will we do better? Some days, yes. Some days, no. You know what I mean? But I feel like we just have to have grace on ourselves and be like, you know what? Like, I know that today I gave it my all, and even though my best might not be somebody else's best, it was my best. Does that make sense?

That was extremely well put, man. And, you know, I. I know obviously, I'm your friend, so I know a lot more than anybody else listening or watching, but. But actually, if anybody goes on your social media.

That's true.

I mean, knows and can see what a phenomenal dad you are, you know, and you. You. You know, it's clear that you put your daughter first. And, you know, I hope that it's clear to the one person that matters, my son, that I put him first.

Yeah.

And I know that there are times, you know, historically that he probably didn't feel that way and.

Yeah.

You know, though, that just gives me a pit in my stomach to think about.

Yeah.

And, you know, just there just to give you an example, like, you know, not going to all the soccer practices. And I remember, like, the one soccer game that I missed. I felt like such a crappy. I mean, it really got to me because, you know, his grandma had to take him, and it's just I never missed the soccer games, practices. I. You know, and I even beat myself up for the practices and just stuff like that, man. And then I wonder, you know, eventually he lost interest in the martial arts that he was in. He eventually lost interest in, you know, advancing into club soccer, which he was poised to do. And all I do is wonder, like, is that my fault?

Wow.

And to this day, I mean, it's not something I discuss with him, but I. You know, his interests could. Could they have been different?

Yeah.

If I did things different. And I guess, you know, that's some Advice I would, I would give to any single dad out there.

Yeah.

That, you know, if you're missing a practice or a game because of work or, you know, anything that you have going on, try and make it, man. Yeah, and try it and make sure that you, you keep their interest and get them to try as many things as possible. Because I think it's, as a kid, you don't really get it. And it's just like, you know, when everyone has their, both their parents on the sideline cheering their kid on, you see that and, you know, you look over and, you know, maybe it's just his grandma sitting in her car or. Yeah. Which isn't her fault that, you know, that's where she needs to be. But, you know, it just eats at me. And so, you know, if I could go back and do some things differently, that those would be some of the things I would definitely do differently.

Yeah. Yeah, bro. I mean, I can, I can imagine. I know, like, for me personally, it meant a lot whenever, like, because my parents were at all of our games, like both of them, you know what I mean? And I just started realizing probably a couple years ago that when somebody says no to something, it's showing priority in the other thing, the thing that they did say yes to, you know. And so I think about it, like, for example, I got a call this past week and you know, I love ministry. I love mission trips, I love anything that has to do with, you know.

See this guy preaching phenomenal. He really is.

And I just love helping people and missions and things like that. Right. And so our church is doing a mission trip to, to la, to like the skid row area and all that. And I've been there before. Love that place, Love helping, love serving. And they called me up and they said, hey, we need another leader to lead it. And we'd be willing to sponsor you financially if you're able to go. But it's in the time that I have my little girl because I get her for a month this summer, right. And I told her, I was like, look, I would in any other occasion, but not only do I have my little girl, but I know that right now specifically she's going through a lot anxiety wise. And I was like, if I just dip to go do that, then I don't want to create a resentment in her total towards like ministry, you know, I mean, and towards helping people because then that's just going to show her that this was more important than this, you know. But to your point though, also I was Watching another TikTok video and. And it was a snippet. I watch a lot of TikTok. Don't judge me, guys.

You've been judged.

But it was this dude who was like, super successful. Don't really know his name, but apparently he's super successful. And they were interviewing him and he said that there was one day that he was packing to go on a trip. On a trip, right? To do work and make money and provide and all those good things. And that his little girl walked in and that she was like, daddy, why do you always have to leave? And he was telling her, like, I have to go to, like, make money, right? And so that we have, like, enough food to eat and things of that nature. And he specifically said so that we have enough food to eat. Right. Because maybe as a kid, that's like, all they really comprehend, right, is if daddy doesn't work, then we don't eat. She and dude, it kind of like broke my heart a little bit. But he said that she responded by saying that if I eat less, oh, does that mean that you don't have to go? You know what I mean? And he said that he was like, it was a different perspective and I respect it also. You know what I mean? As. Especially as entrepreneurs, I feel like we. We would get this, but it still is a hard one. He said that in that moment, he had to choose if he was going to teach his daughter. Like. Like, either I stay or I go and I show you later on, and hopefully eventually you'll realize why I had to go. And he said that you fast forward, years later, him and his daughter, like, were hanging out and that he brought it up to her and was like, hey, baby. Like, you know, back in those days when I had to travel so much, I just want to let you know. And that she stopped him and she was like, dad, like, I get it. I get it. You know what I mean?

Yeah.

And so it's. It's weighing. It's weighing the. Like, I know this is probably gonna suck right now, and they might think I'm doing. I'm harming them right now in the hopes of just. I hope that in the future they'll just realize that I. I did this for you in all reality, in actuality. You know what I mean?

I. That that's such a great story and I'm glad you brought it up because as single dads, I know we all, yeah. Have had similar situations or scenarios where we've had to. To make really tough decisions.

Yeah.

And you Know, that particular one is a really good example because you. You know, I've. I've had that. You know, when you have, you know, tug of war in your mind.

Yes, cheese.

And, like, who's gonna win? And. And all these different, like, thoughts, like, will they understand? Well, won't they under. It's just like. So I. I have regrets, and then I also think back of a lot of the sacrifices that I've made.

Yeah.

And, you know, you. That's one thing you. You really have to do. I think, as. As a dad, especially in my situation, because. Because I don't have family patting me on the back saying, hey, you've done it. You've been a really good father. I don't have anybody really doing that. So I have to be mindful of. Okay. Even though I feel like I could have done more in certain times, I have to be mindful of. I know I've done a good job overall.

Yeah.

But, you know, if. If I'm not telling myself that, then I could spiral into a depression and, you know, God knows what.

Yeah.

But. So I think it's very important, I guess. Point being is that for all the single dads out there, you know, be mindful, because I know you cannot be a single dad and not make sacrifices and not be in situations where you have to make extremely tough decisions in hopes that your child or children will understand at some point. So. Yeah, man, it's just. Yeah, that's a. A really good example you brought up, man.

Yeah, it's hard because you have to. You have to weigh them, Right? Like, there is some things that it's like, man, maybe I shouldn't do that. You know, it's not that important. But it's like, I think it's just weighing it and knowing that if you're doing it from a place of integrity and love for them, like, I think they'll sense that, and I think eventually they'll see that, even if they don't immediately. And honestly, I also think that something that's helped me dealing with that. I mean, personally, I mean, you know, I love Jesus. It's just my prayer times, because just like you're saying, I don't have anyone to pat me on the back. Like, I have people that pat me on the back, but I'm surrounded by a ton of people, and it really doesn't matter, because in those moments, you still feel extremely alone, period. And I think so many people could relate with that. And for me, the times when I pray, it's not like, you Know, you go to, like, you know, like, Catholic Church, and this is the type of prayer that they pray. Right. And you say this, this, and this, and. Right. That's not how I pray, bro. I let it all out. All my frustrations, all my worries, all my. Man, I could have this. I could. And then by the end of it, I just sit there and I just listen or I'll read his word, and I just. You just feel that, like, almost like a father's love where he's like, man, I'm just. I'm so proud of you. And I got you. I got you. You know, and for me, like, that's really what's helped me. And I have to do that every single day. It's not like, just like, oh, you do that once, once a week, or once a month, and you're good. No, if you're dealing with any kind of life, like, you've got to find that thing that's for you that you can just go and just put it all out there. Because I think as single dads and just men in general, we. We carry a lot of weight, and we refuse to, like, hand it over. Right. Because we feel like, I have got to carry this. You know what I'm saying?

Totally. And I'm glad you brought that up, too. Bring us good stuff up. But, you know, that we do. I mean, we have to think about our work life, balance all the things. The stress. You know, we all have stress from our careers. We have stress from. Maybe this pandemic caused you to be unemployed. There's just so much stuff, especially like, this past year and a half.

Yeah.

Has been. I know. Has been tough on everybody in some way.

Yeah.

And for some way more than others. And, you know, and also it's been tough on. On the kids.

Yeah.

You know, so, you know, I know how it's affected my. My son not going to school for a good period of time. Yeah. Physically going, know, doing it from home and. Dude.

And that just adds more weight.

Yeah.

Like, exactly what I was just talking about. It's just. It just stacks in stacks and stacks. Like, if it's not one thing, it's another thing.

You know, to. To your point, everybody has to have a way to get that out.

Yeah.

And, you know, whether it's God and faith and Jesus or, you know, if that's not your thing, then, you know, you've got to be in therapy or have somebody to let it out. And, you know, for so many years, I bottled my stuff up.

Yeah.

And just, I mean, A lot of stuff. And that's another thing. If I could go back and just do differently. My son and I went to therapy soon after mom passed in, you know, six months maybe. After that, we stopped and didn't ever go back. And I don't think that was a good move at all.

Yeah, there's no way you guys healed in six months like that.

No, absolutely not. And I think. I think we're both really good at bottling things up, and that's not a good thing. So I think a lot of people.

Can relate with that.

I think a lot of people can. And it's, you know, you've got to find an outlet, don't you?

Yeah.

And, you know, I'm not telling anybody what their outlet should or should not be, but you need one.

Yeah.

I think, like, working out.

Jiu jitsu.

I mean, any. Any kind of exercise.

Yeah.

You know, on the regular is. I mean, it's proven to be, you know, a stress reliever. Mentally healthy, and it's physically healthy, obviously. And it's just a good way to. To get stuff out, man. Yeah. And, you know, so even if you're just doing a couple of things, make sure you're doing something, you know, because, man, I. I literally. I've had. I've had phases where I didn't. I didn't, like, do anything. You know, I quit working out because I got injured. And, you know, it was. That was probably the. One of the toughest periods of my life where I was physically and mentally unable to do anything with my career. Cause it just. I won't go into all that.

I can't imagine.

It was just absolutely miserable.

And the way I think about it, because you keep saying, like, you have to find a way to get it out. Right. And honestly, like, working out and all that stuff is great and it's a great stress reliever, but I feel like we still hold those things in because we don't vocalize them.

Right, right.

What we're thinking.

Very valid. Yeah.

And it's hard because as men or as humans in general, we don't want to talk to someone if we don't believe that, A, they'll understand, B, care. You know what I'm saying? And three, shut up and listen to me. Like, just listen. Right? Like, as soon. As soon as you talk to someone and you tell them about you, like, whatever it is that you're going through, and then they come back with, like, yeah, man, I remember me. You know, like, it's like, oh, okay, so this is about you now. Cool. Well, let me just listen to you talk then. You know what I'm saying? And it's like, very much so.

That's why I'm laughing, because that's. That's literally my mindset is like, I don't. I don't. I don't want to bog you down with my problems. And so I don't. I don't, you know.

Yeah.

But I'll listen to other people, sadly, and just let those pile up. So.

So this is. This is. This is a good tip. Okay. I actually got this from. From Matt London, Maddie, the dude that we're gonna have on the podcast eventually. So he was telling me because he went through some extreme heartbreak. He's also a single father. He's been through a lot. Hopefully when he comes on, he'll, like, tell his story. I don't want to give it up for him, but he went through counseling, and he was telling me that one specific thing that the, like, counselor or therapist, whatever they're called, told him to do is to film himself when he was feeling any type of way, really. To, like, put the face front camera and start recording and start talking to your future self.

Wow.

And literally just start letting it all out. And I was like, what was her thing behind that? He said, it gives you an avenue to release everything Interesting.

Like.

Because think about it. If you don't trust talking to anyone, I talk to God. Right. But talk to yourself, because you'll listen to yourself.

Yeah.

You know what I mean? Like, no, that's.

I have never thought of that, nor have I heard of that being advised.

I. I kid you not, bro. And I think I still have the video.

I think I'm going to try that.

Yeah, you should.

I mean, just this is, as I told you, this. This is therapeutic to me. But, you know, our goal with this is to obviously help other dads and kind of share what we've gone through and, you know, help them in any way we can and have, you know, bring different scenarios and different stories to the table. And that's why, you know, we're, you know, you're younger than I and, you know, we're single dads for different reasons. Yes. So the whole purpose behind this is, you know, so that's. That's. That's really good advice that I honestly think I'm going to try. And if I do, I'm actually. Yeah. Hold me accountable.

I will.

I'm going to try that. And in two weeks, you get back to me and ask me.

So, yeah, how's it been? And we'll talk about on the podcast, too. Yeah, bro, because I. I kid you not. He told me about that, right? And I was like, man, I pray and all this stuff, and I usually get it all out, but I was like, I'm just gonna try it. And I did it. It was. It was one day when I was. I was coming up here to work, and I just put the phone on my mount, just hit record, put my glasses on, because I knew I was about to start crying, and I didn't want my future self to see me crying. But I just started going in, man, and I just started talking and like, just everything and just being real and like, no holds bar, you know what I'm saying? Like, just laying it out on the table why I feel the way I feel, what I'm thinking, why am I thinking that way, all of these things.

That's why I think it's such a great idea. Because I think you just. You'll tell yourself anything.

Yeah, exactly, bro. And then at the end of it, I felt so good, and because I was talking it out, I almost got to the solution by listening to myself talk, really. So it was. It was insane. It was really, really good. And so, you know, now, like, I'll be honest, like, now I don't feel myself, but I do it as I'm, like, praying. I. I've taken it to another level. Like, my prayer life to another level, because I was like, man, I'm pretty real. I'm pretty honest. But then after that video, I was like, I've been holding back from him, from Jesus, right? And so then I just opened up even more. And so I think for anyone like, that it would be a phenomenal exercise just to, like, pract the daily. Just be like, if you. If you. At any given moment, you're like, man, I. I just need someone to talk to. Pull out your phone. Talk to yourself.

That's. That's awesome. I. And I think that's a. A really good way to wrap this episode up. Yeah, I'm going to do that. And who knows? Maybe I'll be bold enough to actually play some clips of it on this podcast. Who knows?

Wow. I would say don't even think about that. That way you don't.

Hold on. I'm gonna do. I'm gonna do it. Obviously. Yeah, Nobody's gonna be home, and I'm just gonna. Yeah, go out. Let it out, man. Whatever's on my mind, whatever's been stressing me, and I'm.

Or you get to the point where you're yelling at yourself, like, yelling at.

Yourself, but you're just forward to it. Because I'm like, I have so much in me. I'm like, I just wanna get it out.

Yeah.

And.

And like you were saying, like, that's what this whole podcast has been about, right? And it's therapeutic for us. So honestly, if somebody listening right now, if. If nothing else happens through this podcast, but you send it to a buddy and you say, hey, man, I'd like to talk. Like these dudes talk. I need someone to chat with. And you find your Scott or you find your Frank, and you're just able to, like, go to their house once a week and just like, spew out everything. And then they get to do the same, and you just hear each other out and then you just, you know, raise a glass afterwards and. And watch some fights. Like what? Whatever. Like, that would be incredible also, you know what I'm saying?

Excellent advice, man. Excellent advice.

Yeah.

So again, I think it's a great way to wrap a good episode up. And I hope, again, as cliche as it is, at least one. One person out there got something from this. And if you didn't, and you think a friend or somebody that you know will please share it, we would. We genuinely appreciate it.