Self talk

Hey, this is Frank Ortega, and you're listening to the Single Dads podcast, a podcast for single dads by single dads. And on this podcast, we don't got the answers to everything, but we're going to encourage you, hopefully give you a different perspective, just encourage you to be the best dad that you can be, that you already are and that you really want to be. And if you have not downloaded our Single Dads podcast app, make sure you do so, so you can join the community and be a part of all the updates that we have. All right, guys, let's jump into the show. Welcome back, guys, to another episode of the Single Dad's podcast, Man. Today we're going to talk about some good stuff. Hopefully it's. It's really helpful to you. This, this chat that we're going to be having today, man to man and man to. To woman, if you're listening, is I really want to dive deep into the way that we talk to ourselves and self talk and, and why this affects us in a positive and a negative way also. Just because I think it's. It's really, really important. Like, man, I know we go through so many tough things in life, Right. And we hear that cliche saying where, you know, life is tough, don't ask for it to get easier, ask to get stronger. But I think the only way that that works is if our self talk the way that we talk to ourselves and gets stronger and it's better and healthier. Because how many times do you, like, see yourself in a bad situation? Right. And you're like, well, this is bad. There's no denying that this sucks. There's no denying that this is hard. But the more that you just focus on I can't do this or this is hard. This is just so hard. It just seems impossible to, like, break through the hard situation that inevitably you kind of have to get through anyways.

Yeah. And at the end of the day, it's. It really boils down to not just how you see yourself, but like, self awareness, you know, how confident are you?

Yeah.

You know, self doubt comes into play, self confidence and anything that's really synonymous with that. So it, it's something that can be changed and it's re. You know, a lot of. A lot of you out there listen to podcasts to do just that.

Yeah.

To change the way you're currently feeling and. Or viewing certain things.

Yep.

We seek out podcasts, radio and television programs to. To change the way we feel.

Yeah.

And to change the way our, you know, Our viewpoints, to change our viewpoints on things. And ultimately we hope you're doing it to become better and to be a more positive role model for your children or kids or kid. And at the end of the day, there are also things that we do sometimes without knowing that have a negative effect and have the exact opposite effect of which is, you know, when you're, when you're not, when, when you're down, your self awareness is a lot less than. Yeah, it should be. You make decisions like, you know, if you're, you know, if, if you're not aware of the fact that crap I drank every day this week or I, I ate donuts for breakfast four times this week because I was in a rush or because I had my kids for all morning or every morning I wanted to give my kids donuts and I also found myself eating them. I mean, just to give you some examples of, of the opposite of, you know, it's like being unaware of doing things bad. It's just exactly.

Yeah.

Well, because, yeah, I like that because a lot of, a lot of us. I know for me and myself, there was moments and there still are moments where I'm unaware of certain behaviors that are happening in my head. And whatever happens in my head inevitably shows up tangibly in my life. And what I noticed was that, that simple fact that even just in, like, even just in business, it's like, even if I've already conquered so much, but then I start getting in my own head and I'm like, dude, like, you just can't do it. Like, that's just too hard, that's too demanding. That's true. You're gonna fail at it anyways. You're not gonna. As soon as I entertain those things long enough, it makes me feel so disempowered that I don't move into action. And sometimes it's because I was unaware of those thoughts crippling me. That self talk. Yeah. And self thought, I, I, I totally get that.

And, and you can get into your own head because I've done this. It's like you get, you get to a point and it's like, you know, you, whether it's because you've, you've been struggling with one or a couple of things for a certain period of time, and then you start thinking of like where you are and where you were super motivated and knew you could get to a week ago, but because of whatever reasons that kind of got you bogged down or maybe yeah, you just haven't been doing the, the things like that, that keep your mind in that, that high caliber positive thought process.

Yeah.

Like working out every morning and eating well and doing the things that, you know, keep your mind in that high caliber thought process. You know, that's, that's when you look at things and you're like, I can't, I don't, I don't see myself like, you know, making seven figures now. It's like, God, you know, it's like, yeah, you can really talk yourself down.

Yeah.

From, from. I know I can do this level.

Yeah.

Pretty damn quick if you're very careful. Right?

Yeah. And it's, it all comes down to identity. Ed Mylet, you guys have heard me talk about him a lot. You've heard me talk a lot about him. But he has this great analogy how we all have our thermostat and, and it's our identity, it's what we believe about ourselves. He was like, so if you're like a 78 degree and you're.

For me, right, bro, I'm a 70.

Degree in my house. Or like 68, that's beautiful for me.

But until you get your bill. Right, right.

Dude, even then I'm like, I'll count the cost.

I will count the cost. That's one thing I don't cheap on, man. I gotta be comfortable. I'm sorry, go ahead with the ac.

Especially in Texas, man.

No doubt.

But he talks about how like if you're say a 70 degree, and that means that you believe within yourself that I can only make a hundred thousand, like that is it. But you dream about making a million. And for some like, season in your life, you buy into the idea that I can make a million. So you break past that 100k threshold, right? It was like if you break past it long enough, but your thermostat hasn't yet shifted to 90 degrees. If you get to 90 degrees but you're still 70 degree ER, you'll find a way to literally bring it back down and even it out. And that's literally just our belief system. It's our identity, it's the way that we talk to ourselves, right. It's like you start getting some breakthrough in your life and you're like, no, this is, this is too good to be true. Like, oh, I got lucky, right? Instead of being like, no, you know what? I took the time and invested the time and took the right absolutes that two plus two equals four that we talked about in another episode where it's like, I took the right absolute actions to get me here. And if I continue to do those things, I can get to the next level. And I, and this is just who I am now.

And you know, what plays the biggest role in having in your mindset and, and be, you know, getting up to 90 degrees. One, getting up there. Two, maintaining. It is who you surround yourself with.

Yes, exactly.

And, and it's, you know, you can surround yourself with ed Mylett on YouTube for only so much positivity. Right.

Yeah.

You can get it from him and, you know, some of your other people that you.

Yeah.

What's the one? Big guy?

Tony.

Tony, Rob and the Rock. You know, you can.

And the Rock.

You can get so much motivation from certain, you know, people or figures or characters or whatever, but you can't. You, you can't fail when you are constantly surrounding yourself with other people that are pushing you and, and in some form or fashion, holding you accountable.

Yeah.

And, you know, complimenting you and, and pushing you when you're down and saying, hey, talk to me, let's talk about this. And yes. Making you realize that, hey, you're just having a moment. And let's identify why you're having that moment.

Yep.

And fix it.

Yes.

So you can get back to where you were and moving, you know, in an, in a progressive manner how you should be. And it has everything to do with who you surround yourself with.

Yes. And huge.

Yeah.

That, that's, that is so monumental. And here's where I want to drop the, the topic for today. Who do you spend the most time with? Yourself. Wherever you go, there you are. I mean, you go to the toilet, there you are. You and your own self talk. You and your own self thought. The thoughts that you think about. The, the, the way that you speak to yourself. Every single situation, even when a buddy is encouraging you. Whose voice is dominating that conversation? Your own voice in your head is, this dude's full of it. He doesn't know everything I'm going through. He doesn't know how bad I've messed up. You see what I'm saying?

Exactly.

And we can really quickly, like, toss out any good seed that people are trying to invest in if we do not take control of our own self. Self talk.

You're absolutely right. And you know, like, if, if you're like an influencer on social media and, you know, inevitably you're going to have haters.

Yes. So I wish you could see some of the messages and comments I get.

I do.

And I'm not even that big of an influencer.

No. But enough so, enough so where you get quite a few people that, you know, ring in. And yes, I've seen some, some, some very negative comments. I've, I'm far the furthest thing from an influencer and I've gotten negative comments, you know, here and there about maybe like a reel that you made.

You said it.

No, exact.

I just created it.

I know, I'm just messing with you, but, but my point is, is like for influencers, you know, like I don't care if you have 1.5 million followers and the majority of the people are, you know, giving you props and saying thank you and thank you, you're amazing. You know, it only takes a very small percentage of people to bring you down. And not all influencers are, are able to, I mean, over time it has an effect on, on them.

Yeah.

And the reason I bring that up is because there's, there's a guy that I follow on, on social media and he actually like, he's, he's got almost 2 million followers and he, he recently switched gears from what he talked about on the regular to a completely different like career and moved into something else. And one of the reasons was so like self admission that the negativity he was getting was like, he's like, I don't, I mean, think about when you have 2 million followers on you or subscribers on YouTube. Yeah, you're getting paid, dude. Yeah, right. And this guy, like, he even said like I had to pay $10 million in taxes last year. So the dude makes money. Right. But it wasn't about that for him. It was about the fact that like he was, he like realized that he was getting beat down. So when he was by himself. Yeah, he was, he was letting that, that, that negativity, even though it was a small percentage, it was, it was getting to him to the point where he realized I need to switch gears.

Yeah.

Smart guy. Yeah, very smart guy.

Yeah, that, that, that, that's a tough one because there's, there's this example that.

Tony Robbins and just if anyone's wondering who it is. So it's a guy named his, his name it or his whatever shows. Meet Kevin.

Meet Kevin.

Yeah, meet Kevin. Super brilliant guy who talks about everything from, he just moved into like Sully real estate and. Yeah, but he, he, he talked about everything from, from politics to cryptocurrencies to you covered it all. And, and the guy's absolutely brilliant. I, I mean one of the few people that I feel, you know, just, he's always got like a positive, you know, mojo. And even though I'm not into real estate by any stretch. I still. I still listen to what he has to say.

Yeah.

Just because.

Bought into him.

Well, I like to him, he's a likable dude.

Yeah.

And he never, you know, he's just. And he's. He also collaborates with some other friends of mine that called dumb money and. Anyway, I'll shut up about that.

No, but what I love about that, bro, is it ties into this example that Tony Robbins used that. I think it was Jim Rome. Is that how you say his name? Jim Rohn.

Oh, if you're. You're. I think you're talking about. Not Jim Rome, the sports.

No, no, the. The motivational speaker from, like, the old one. He's passed away now. Jim. Rn.

Okay, that's a different. I was thinking of Jim Rome, the. This. The. The. The sports figure who knows everything in the world about sports and so on, and he's very much alive.

Yeah. So this. This dude told Tony Robbins. He was like, hey, if you have a cup of coffee and your enemy walks by it and pours sugar in, it was like, what's that do? It was like, it just makes my coffee sweet. He was like, okay, now say somebody that you love walks by and they drop one drop of. I think it's called strychnine, something like that. It's like some poison.

Okay. That works. Rat poison.

Yeah. Right. He was like. And they do that. What's gonna happen? He was like, well, I would. I would die. He was like, so it doesn't matter if your enemies drop 100 pounds of sugar, but your family drops one drop, one drop of poison. He was like, essentially what he's saying is, guard your coffee so that nobody drops poison into it, which is your mind. Don't let anyone drop poison into it. Now, the way that I like to see this, right, is because we cannot walk around to every single room, especially when it's like, you know, certain family or whatever, where it's like, oh, I'm not gonna bring my coffee in here. Because then you'll never be in any room, because humans are humans, and eventually somebody's gonna say something out of their own sel that's going to impact. Could potentially impact you negatively. So it's like, you can walk in there, but you guard your coffee, see who's walking by it. Right? And I love that example because it's kind of like what happened with Kevin, unfortunately. I wish I could talk to him because I'd be like, bro, you should not switch gears just because of them. Because there's plenty of other.

Well, that wasn't the reason. I think it was one of many. And he's still doing fantastic.

Better than most of anyone.

I just remember. It was. It was one of the reasons.

One of the factors. Yeah.

Yeah.

And so. So the way. The way that I. I like to think about it now is like, cancel culture right now is existing for that exact reason. I do not like how you're communicating, what you're communicating. So I'm going to shut you off. That's really the root of cancel culture, is the way that you're talking is bothering me. And because I'm so triggered and I don't know, I don't have the mental capacity to process it. I don't have the emotional intelligence to not allow that po into my coffee. Even though you're trying to pour it in, I want to cancel you. And we see this so much in our lives, bro, where people are, like, just cut off. If they don't serve you, cut them off. But what we don't realize is that sugar isn't the only thing that serves us. If you go to somebody and they just. Man, you got this. One of the most transformational conversations that I had was with one of my buddies who literally told me outside of his office. He was like, bro, your problem is that you don't stick to one thing. If you would just focus, you would make more money than anybody that I know. He said that to me. That's not sugar.

I have very much said that to you.

Yeah. And it's like, that's not sugar. That didn't make me feel like, oh, man, thank you so much for that. No, that's sparring. Like, if you're in the gym, that is. Me and my boy are going to beat the crap out of each other to prepare us for the fight, to get us ready in preparation for it. It is a hit. It is iron sharpening iron, as the Bible talks about it. And so if you're only going to surround yourself with people that sweet talk you, then good, good luck. You're going to feel great. But then you're also going to be down in a rut. And then it's just going to be like, okay, now I feel good in a rut.

If it's. If it. If it's. If it's brought to you or. Or presented to you in a constructive way.

Yeah.

AKA constructive criticism. Or just, hey, man, you're doing this really well, but you could do it 10x better.

Yeah.

If you just Tweak to this and tweak to that. I love what you're doing and you're doing, like, you're so charismatic. You, you're so fantastic at this. And yeah, you can do this and this and this, but you gotta prioritize what's best for you right now.

Yeah.

Like today. And put yourself in a. In a position by doing one thing really, really well. So in a few years, or in a couple of years, or whenever you get to that point of comfortability and you're there financially and you have more time, you got to think macro.

Yeah.

Then these other things that you also.

Want to do can be a part.

They'll be there. They'll be there waiting. But.

Yeah, but.

And if it's. If it was said to you like that, as opposed to bro, you just. You're never going to freaking make it because you're always bouncing around everywhere. I mean, focus on something or don't, you know, if it said like, which. Which one. Which person are you going to listen to?

Yeah, well, I'll be honest. I listen. I listen to both or be more.

Which is going to be more effective, I should say.

Yeah, I. I listen to both. And I think most men are, like, wired this way. That's why you're like, don't be an effing loser. Get this thing going.

Most. I'd like to think that most people are wired that way.

Yeah.

But most people won't listen to when you come across a certain way unless they. Unless you. Unless they already have great respect for you.

Yeah.

Right.

Which is. Which is where those things are allowed, depending on the relationship. It's like, I wouldn't say to somebody I just met, bro, you don't know what the hell you're doing. You're gonna. No, you gotta build relationship to be able to do that. So there's mutual respect and then you can give that advice.

I think, I think a good example is like, like, you know, I don't listen to Gary Vee as, as much as I once did. In fact, I don't listen to him that much anymore. Doesn't say, I don't like what he's about. He's funny and he tells it how it is. But my point is, is like, you know, he'll get on stage and he talks to young people all the time and he tells them how it is. And it's not the. And he doesn't Sugar. He doesn't deliver it in a way that's like, oh, well, you really need, you know, he's like, get the off your ass and do it.

Yeah.

Because, dude, you're, You're. You're not like the Kardashians that can, you know, get online. And the reason you have 200 followers is because you're not doing. Because you're. You expect until you can get on and get 5 million followers, then you can't do anything, which is, you know, he'll tell it like that.

Yeah.

And, you know, people will listen to him because they respect him because of his success.

Yeah.

But if I came along and spoke to somebody like that.

Yeah.

It probably wouldn't take my advice.

Yeah. Unless they wanted what you have in that.

Exactly.

In that specific area.

Right.

And that's why, like, that's why I think self talk and managing that is so important because whenever I talk to myself, like, come on, bro, what the hell are you doing? I know it's coming out of a place of love, and so it pushes me forward. So when I hear somebody say, come on, bro, what the hell are you doing? I think they're challenging me. They're not trying to hurt me. Right. But. But I've trained myself to that. Like, and, and, you know, I'll be honest. Like, at some point, I was. I was very mentally weak, where if somebody said that, I'd be like, bro, like, what the heck?

I recall. Like, it's just like, I remember that, Frank. I really do.

Really? When? I don't think I was ever like that with you.

Yeah.

When I'm.

When I. When I very. When I am first hired you.

Yeah.

But.

But I never took anything bad. I was just like, I don't. I don't agree with this because of this, but I want to fix this. Yeah. You don't open to it.

You. But you, like, you wouldn't listen. And then I remember a point where you came back and you said, you know what? I realized I wasn't listing because of pride. My pride. And I didn't want to do the steps that you were giving me because I didn't want to be told no. And it was a pride thing.

Yeah.

And that was a turning point for you as a salesperson. And I was like, this is huge, Frank, because you were able to identify on your own. Well, you know, because I. I can't come to you and say, dude, it's your pride.

Yeah.

Because that's just not how you teach people.

Yeah.

I was just giving you steps that I knew you needed to do, which was qualify.

Yeah.

And that's why I, you know, put those Five steps, and I'm like, ask each one of these questions and then shut up.

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah.

And then when you started doing that, you started getting to the point where you could ask for the business confidently.

Yeah.

And that pride thing didn't matter as much.

Yeah, exactly. But I knew. But I knew you were coaching me. That's what I'm saying. It would. It would have been as if you spoke to me, and I was like, scott hates me. He's trying to hurt me. He's just offending me. And then you're just making all these excuses when my excuse was, I don't want to be told. No. But I knew that you were coaching me, and I was open to it. Right. And so for a lot. For a lot of us, I feel like we get into that place where it's like, dude, you just feel like everyone's trying to, like, hurt you when they're actually. There's time for hugs and there's time for hits, and sometimes, like, you need to be hugged and sometimes you need to be smacked. That's just life, dude. That's why if you. If you don't. If you don't smack yourself into shape, life will do it for you.

That's what I was just literally just about to say. Like, the way I motivate myself is I'm very, very hard on myself.

Yeah.

Like. Like overly.

Yeah.

And I've. Some people that know me really well have. Have even told me that. But that's just the way that.

Yeah.

Like, if I'm. If I'm not, who's going to be?

Yeah.

Because there's nobody, not one person in this world that is as hard on me as I am on myself.

And that's how it should be. And that's where I want to. Like, I almost.

Almost wish there were. I really do.

Well, hire a coach, bro. They'll be hard on you. Trust me. I've had plenty of coaches. But at the end of the day, like, that's where I kind of want to draw some sort of line and, like, really speak into. Because I want to talk about this thing called leverage. And we all have it and we all use it, but do we use it to our advantage? For example, there could be a time where if you mess up as a dad and you're just constantly hard on yourself, you. You push yourself to disempowerment, to where you're like, I just can't freaking do it anymore because you've been so hard on yourself. Where I think it is, is there has to be this beautiful melody, this beautiful rhythm of like, I'm hard on myself, but I reward my intentions. I'm hard on myself, but I reward my intentions. Because if we base our worth off of our results, then guess what? You're always going to have to achieve and achieve and achieve to feel worthy. But if you base it off of intentions, then whenever you face that failure and somebody tells you, see, I told you you couldn't do, you're like, no. But I knew that I gave my all to that, and I know what I learned from it. So I take it as a W. Now you're not seeing your L's as failures. Now you're seeing them as opportunities. But if you're just like, see, I didn't do it. I can't do it. And constantly, then it's a little bit. And I think talking hard to yourself is different than talking negatively to yourself, which can be really, really, like, that can be a turning point for a lot of people. Like you calling yourself like, I'm a failure. I'm an idiot.

I can't do it.

That's not hard on yourself is.

Is more so, like. Like pushing myself.

Yeah.

Like, I, like, I think of myself as someone who is not doing nearly what they're capable of doing. And for that, I get down on myself or I get onto myself. Like, yeah, all right, dude, you're being a complete loser. You're being a hypocrite.

Yeah.

You're not practicing what you pre.

Show up in this area, bro.

Yeah.

If. If, if I'm gonna get on a microphone and on a podcast and say, this is what people should do, and here I am not doing it myself. And then what am I doing?

Yeah.

And, you know, so I'll think of things like that. Like, yeah, and if I'm going to tell my son, hey, this. This is what you need to do, and I don't do it myself.

Yeah.

Then what am I doing? I feel fake.

Yeah.

And I don't like feeling fake.

Yeah, exactly.

And, you know, it's like, like right now I'm. I haven't brought. Even brought this up to you because it's very fresh information, and I'm actually struggling with how I'm going to deal with it, and this might be helpful. I don't know. We'll see where it goes. But. So last night I went into my son's room and he. He replied to me in a very odd sort of thing. I. I think maybe he was, like, taking a nap and he woke up because I asked him a question, and he was like, well, his answer was like, because it's not. It's popular now. And I was like, what the hell are you talking about, son?

Yeah.

And I'm like, are you. Are you. Are you getting high? Are you smoking pot?

Are you riding the white pony, son?

Literally. And he's like. He's like, no, I have. I'm like, you have? Huh? When? Because I haven't asked him that in a while. And I thought, well, when you do, he'd come to me and tell me.

Yeah.

And he's. I was like, well, how often? He's like, I've done it three times. I go. When he's like, with my cousin. All with his different. Like, two. Two allegedly. Two times with one cousin and another time with another. And then the timelines kind of don't really add up to that. Make me feel that he's been dishonest with me in the interim. And so I just kind of. At that moment in time, I. I said, are you vaping? And he's like, no. And looked at me with a very confident no. It's kind of like, all right, I just told you I'm doing this so he'll believe. He'll believe me, you know?

Yeah.

I don't know if that's his thought process, but where.

He's just scared.

I. How I left, it was. I was like, son, you're. As. As of Friday, your report card said, you have straight A's. That better not change.

Yeah.

And that's exactly how I addressed it, too. And he's like, it won't. And I said, and while I appreciate you telling me what you told me, we're due for a talk, so know that that's coming.

Yeah.

And he's like, okay. And so, yeah, that's. That's kind of where I am with things right now. And to be honest, I don't know how I'm gonna handle it.

Yeah.

Because I. I. You know, I've talked about it on the show many times. And you know this.

Yeah.

I've always told my son, if you are honest with me, then you will not get in trouble.

Yeah.

But you. The second you're dishonest with me, then we have problems.

Yeah.

And so I think I'm. To be honest, the fact that he did pot three times, allegedly, which probably means 10, 12 at some point, whether he's done it three times, his timelines didn't add up, and there's some dishonesty there, so I gotta dig that out first and address that, and then we can address the other.

Yeah.

But, you know, it was inevitable it was gonna happen.

Yeah.

But, you know, I guess the fact that he even told me and, you know, the fact that I didn't react like a monster. Yeah. You know, I. I kind of wanted to, like, kind of let it fizzle and let him know that I'm not gonna come after him like some crazy man and.

Yeah.

And not do what I promised. Like, hey, if you be honest.

Yeah.

So I'm gonna give him a chance to be honest with me.

Yeah.

First and foremost.

I.

Which, I mean, he kind of. He kind of already was, for all we know.

Well, you know, I. He's not stupid. He's not a stupid kid. And. And I, you know, I know just from experience, you. You always kind of sugarcoat.

Yeah.

Right.

Like, yeah, I'll tell my dad I did this.

Yeah.

But really, I did this. You know, it's like. But he may be very well telling me telling the truth, and I'll find out. I hope to God he is. And I will get back to you.

All listeners about that with an update.

For all you listeners about that. Yeah.

Yeah, that's it. That's.

That's kind of off topic. But it was just fresh. Then it came to my mind. I figured I'd share it.

Yeah.

Because I know there's a lot of people out there that are parents out there that have teenage kids and are potentially dealing with, you know, that. That phase, that season of their lives where, you know, drugs and alcohol come into play. And it's not a fun one, but yeah, it is inevitable. And not. Not all kids are going to do it, but they're certainly going to be exposed and, you know, you need to be ready when they are. So I'll keep everyone updated as to how. How it pans out. Pans out in the Fisher household. And, uh, yeah, we'll go from there.

Sounds good, bro. Looking forward to hearing that. I mean, that's really cool though, that he even opened up semi like that to you. That speaks volumes. But going back to the. To like the self talk thing, why I think it's so important, man, is because at the end of the day, your. Your mind is your home. So do you want to. Do you want a nice home or do you want a chaotic home? And that. It's really up to us. Really up to us.

What happens with that one? It's under construction, like your home.

I think it's always under construction. Yeah, I think it's always under construction. But I think there's rooms that we can finish that we can go visit more often.

We always want to be adding on, right?

Yeah, exactly. You don't want just a 3,000 square foot home. Eventually you might want a 5,000.

We always want to be upgrading or updating. Yeah, one of the two. We're all the above.

And maintenance. Right? Yeah, but it's like, I mean at the end of the day, look, if you're believing that you're failing as a dad, how is that helping you.

Believe you're failing as a dad? First and foremost you got to identify why you think you're failing and is it out of your control as to why you think you're failing? Because there are reasons. Like if you're not allowed to see your son because of something that was you're falsely accused of or something like that.

Yeah.

Then that's something different and it's something that you guys through and you know, you need to have a healthy mind and attitude to work through that.

Yeah.

If you're failing as a dad because you know you're coming in drunk and going out to bars, the, yeah. The days that you have him or her or them, then yeah, you are failing and you need to make some changes.

But, but sitting there, that's what I'm saying. Like, but sitting there kicking your own tail will do nothing for you. Like if you just keep telling yourself that I'm a failure as a dad, guess what, you're setting your degree, you're setting your temperature at 70 degrees.

That's kind of what I was, I meant by like if you're maybe you, you're down on yourself and that's why you're going out to a bar or.

Something, it creates more of it.

But yeah, and that's the whole, the whole point I guess we're trying to make here is, you know, don't make it worse by self, self loathing.

Make.

It better by having self awareness and creating whatever it is your situation calls for to be a more positive situation.

Yeah, exactly. Like what voice is going to get you through that? And this is kind of how I like to think about it now is, would I, would I talk to my 5 year old self that way? Would I talk to my, when I have a son, my five year old son that way? Would I talk to my daughter that way? Like, and if I wouldn't want to talk to them that way, then I'm not going to talk to myself that way. Because I challenge my little girl. I challenge her, but I don't speak negatively towards her, right? Like I don't tell her, dude, you keep messing up on this, you this, you that. Like I don't do that.

I challenge her because everybody incentivize her to.

Well, I mean, not even incentivize. I incentivize her by like the reward of, dude, you're growing as a person. But more than anything, the incentive is like the way that I speak to her is I like to speak towards her identity, not, not towards her action. Because if I, if I correct the action but the identity stays the same, that action will replicate itself differently. But if I can speak to the identity, then if that we begin to make like chisel that, then the action will automatically begin to fix it. It's like a tree. If the roots are healthy, the branches are healthy and it gives fruit. But if you're just trying to adjust the branches but you never get to the root, then you're just constantly cutting branches off over and over and over again, right? And so within ourselves, like that's really, that's really it. Like, are you talking to yourself in a way that's empowering you, that's leading you to a result that you want? Are you talking to yourself in a way that you feel like you're doing something about it? Because you're being hard on yourself? Not even hard on yourself because you're just being like down talking yourself and it's really not doing anything for you. And then at the end of the day, what kind of people are you going to tolerate because you talk to yourself that way? Because if you're, if you're tolerating negative speech in here, you will naturally tolerate it out here. That's why so many of my family members, bro, like they've got friends, they just like, they just on each other all the time. All the time.

How so?

Like literally like just, oh, dude, well, you this and this and that and you this and that. You see what I'm saying? Like just always, which there's. Is there a place for that?

Hey, like if one does well, they kind of hate on him for doing yeah. Type thing.

But they're joking.

You see what I'm saying? No, I know, exactly.

So like I was in a conversation not that long ago where this was happening and I was like, this is interesting that one of them actually said it was like a family. And he said that's the way that we talk to each other. That's who we are. They were saying it to another sibling and I was like, why though? In My head. I didn't say anything because I'm like, this is Yalls dynamic, and you guys aren't prepared for what I'm about to say. But I'm like, why, though? I don't accept that. I just don't, Dude. If somebody starts talking to me like that and they're joking around, I'm like, okay, I see where you're at. I don't tolerate that type of speech in my circle. That's why I hang out with you. That's why I hang out with Jonathan. That's why I hang out with Brandon. That's why I hang out with my jiu jitsu coach. That's why I hang out with these people that they just don't talk that way. But I think the way it started to change was whenever I started to change the way I talked to myself, because I didn't tolerate it no more from me. I did not tolerate it from me anymore. And then that made it extend out to, like, what's tangible. My circle. Even with my. With my family, bro, like, my dad, there's been times where I have to be like, dude, like, I just don't want to hear that. When it comes down to, like, the baby mama, too. Like, my ex.

Yeah. It's like.

Like, we're not gonna talk about her that way. I'm sorry. I just don't tolerate it for me, so I'm not gonna tolerate it for her either. Like, I like being around it.

Buddy who's. Whose wife is like, like, hating, like, said to him, like.

Doesn'T that piss.

You off that so and so is doing well, and they're, you know, doing well because of. Because of what you did. But they're not like, you know, it's.

Like, what does that do?

What does that do? Yeah, exactly.

And it's like it's poison in your coffee.

Yeah. Married to poison dog.

Literally. It's just like, dude, no, I'm not okay with that. I'm. Yeah, I'm not okay with that. Like, I'm not okay with that whatsoever. But, I mean, you can't be the.

Only one that has. Has, like, family members or.

I just. I just gave two examples, me and my cousins. That literally, that's just how they are. My. My family would talk like that, especially about my ex. And I started addressing it, not in a rude way, because you don't have to be a douche, but I was just like, hey, look, like, we're not going to talk about her that way. We have our disagreements, but at the End of the day, like, we don't have to continue talking about.

I misunderstood. You talk about your. Your ex in front of.

No, just. Just even behind her. Even behind her, bro, that's just something that.

No, not in front of her. I was talking about in front of your daughter.

Even with. My daughter's not there because that's. That's a standard I want to set. Like, you've probably noticed, even when me and you talk about her and I start getting frustrated and then I bring myself back, you don't ever.

You don't ever talk, like, negatively or like. No, I can't even think of a story.

Yeah, well, it's because I'm like, I don't want. I don't want that. I. I was teaching this.

And that's awesome because it's. If you do it, eventually it's going to come out in front of your daughter.

Yeah.

In some form or fashion.

Well, and even if I don't think about this, bro, even if it doesn't come out in front of my daughter, but I do it and then I hear that she's doing it, it would be hypocrisy of me to get pissed.

Exactly.

So it's like. That's what I'm saying.

It's just. It's just a solid practice to not.

Yeah.

Being. To talk negatively because what good. What good does it do?

Nothing.

Does it make you feel better?

No.

Maybe.

I mean, like, dude, it made a vent to somebody about one instant for five seconds.

Gosh, I can't believe when she does.

Stuff like that and then move on or something. I mean, that's just human nature.

Yeah, it's different.

It's. It is a night and day from what we're trying to get at, which is, you know, just being a negative person in general and talking about, you know, it does. It just. It makes you practice having a negative mindset about people in general and. And that's unhealthy.

Yeah, Literally. So I think this is where we can start to begin to change our thermostat.

Where if.

If I want to be a 90 degree, I got to talk to myself as a 90 degree.

Yep.

I can't talk to myself as a 70 degree or it's not going to happen. My self talk. My self thought has to develop, and if it doesn't, then I cannot develop. I will literally block my own blessings. And I think this, this goes into, like, parenting, man. Like, if you feel like you're like, you got that parent guilt. Right? Because, man, I just. I Wasn't that present or. They didn't open up to me in this way, and maybe, like, I did something to cause that. And. But then you're only being difficult, like, negative towards yourself, then you can never, ever step into the next dimension of, like, parenting in that area unless you give yourself the freedom to do that. Like.

Oh, and that's. That's a good point. Really good point. And because you. You have to. It's almost like. It's like life training. You're training for that next season.

Yeah.

Or next phase, not only in your life as a parent, but obviously for your child or children's next season, next phase in their life. And you have to grow kind of mentally with them.

Yeah.

As, you know, as they change and, you know, there's. I can think of it right off the top of my head, like Travis, who's in our support group. I haven't seen him in a few weeks, but that's probably more so my fault than his. But.

Bro.

But keep.

Keep. Keep on that thought and keep talking to them. I gotta pee really quick.

All right, so anyway, I was gonna say Travis is a great guy, always has lots of good things to say in the support group, but he has four kids, and, you know, props to him for, you know, keeping up with all the different seasons and changes that they have on top of all the things going on in. In his life personally. And, you know, there's. There's. There's a lot of really good people in the support group. And by the way, since I'm talking about it, we will be having it tonight. Hopefully this. We push this episode live today, so this makes sense. But oftentimes I'll do this and Frank will push it live, like on Tuesday or Wednesday. So if this goes live tonight on Monday. Today is Monday the 19th, and we will be having our support group tonight. I will send out an email. I will send out a push notification for all of the. All of you who have the app downloaded and a profile created. But anyway, I just wanted to make that point because having four kids is. And. And, you know, there's. There's a couple other guys that have three kids, but a lot of us have one and two. And it's just, you know, it's. It's so difficult just. Just to raise one. So Travis came to mind when. I hope he didn't mind me mentioning his name, but I'm giving him props to him because it's just, you know, so hard just to have one and to be on. On. On his own. And dealing with four and the different seasons that he has to keep up with along with, you know, his full time job and you know, having, you know, youngsters up to, up to the teenage years. So he's dealing with it all. But, and I also just, just said, hopefully, as I said, we're going to have a support group tonight. And I was like, if Frank pushes it live, but oftentimes I'll say that and then he'll push it live like Tuesday, so it doesn't make sense.

Stop jinxing, bro.

Yeah, if you don't push the live, then I'll get an email out, but I'll push it. At any rate.

I like to give.

People props when, when, when credit is due. And it's always nice too, because there's a lot of really good guys in, in the support group. And I even thought about it last podcast I mentioned it, but I didn't cordially think. Thank Trevor for like stepping up and hosting on his own Zoom account, the support group for a handful of guys that showed up. And thank you, Trevor, for doing that. I appreciate it.

Yeah, that's awesome.

And I apologize to those of you who didn't get the TPS report if you've seen the Office, who didn't get the, the note because I didn't send one out. So that's my fault. So. But thank you, Travis. And I apologize to the rest of you. Like James Purvis, I know I already apologized to you, but I apologize again. All right, moving on. That was a really good episode, man. We covered a lot. And ultimately the point is, is like, you know, take note, take notice of, of yourself. Right?

Yeah, literally take note of, of identify, man. Where, where you've noticed, dude, I'm telling you, if, if there's an area in my life, this is what I've noticed that I am not satisfied with. If I look to it, it is because of how I'm talking to myself about that situation. And it always comes down to identity. Like, if you say if you mess up, I think it's very, very healthy to be like, dang, bro, I messed up. But I think it's not healthy to say I'm a mess up. When, when you make the situation, your identity, whether it's good or bad, then I think right there is where we're shooting ourselves in the foot because now it's all about the result. So if you get a bad result, must be a bad person. You get a good result, must be a good person. But if we channel it all to like, intention that's why last episode I hit so big on that. Because it's been something that I've been huge on recently that if you can identify your intention and be like, dude, my intention was this. And almost grade yourself based off of that. My intention wasn't to use anyone. My intention wasn't to hurt anyone. This was not my intention, then you can begin. But you have to be honest with yourself. Like, do not bullshit yourself because then it doesn't work. It does not work. This is why the Bible says the truth will set you free. And yes, that does talk about Jesus, but I think it talks about being honest with yourself. Like, okay, whenever you made that one mistake where your intentions genuinely for a good reason or if we're being honest, is that an area in your life that. I'm like, dang, man, I really need to work on this. Like, I really need to make some adjustments on this. This is really like a bad habit that is hurting a lot of people. And my intentions are not pure when I do this. And then it's not like, see, I'm just a messed up human. No. Now it's like, at least you became aware of it. Now how do we need to make an adjustment? What kind of person do I want to be in that area? And then do your best. Just show up for that.

That's, that's, that's the biggest point I think I want to make with this episode. And it's kind of how we started is, is ultimately self awareness and being aware of any like, negativity that you may not notice that's, that's kind of coming out. Or. And when I say negativity, like, you know, thinking of yourself in a negative light is less than. And it's one thing to make a mistake. As Frank said, it's like, I messed up, but I'm not a mess up.

Yeah.

And I think that's a really good way to put it.

And bro, I want to end with this. Completely different. Completely different. It's on the same topic kinda, but completely different. I feel like we've never done this on the show. I feel like most people never do this for themselves. I know I struggle with it. And me and you are very similar. So maybe you struggle with it as well, maybe you don't.

I'm totally capable.

What is, what is one thing, bro? That you can look at yourself and just be like, dang, man, I'm actually really proud of myself for this. What is one thing?

Being honest.

Yeah.

Yep.

I like that.

First thing that came to mind and 100% know for a fact.

Yeah.

That I am an honest person.

Yeah.

I look you in the eye and I will tell you how I feel if you ask me a question. I will not lie to you.

Yeah, that's really good. How. How often do you celebrate that about yourself, bro?

Pretty.

Pretty often.

Yeah.

That's what's up.

That's really good.

And it's. It's also one of the. Ironically, it's one of the biggest things that I instill in my son.

Yeah.

So that there's something there. Right. There's something to be said there. Like, the one thing. How. How would you answer that for me, man?

I've been thinking about this a lot because I had a buddy who was telling me that I. I need to, like, sit down and just kind of, like, celebrate my accomplishments. Right. And I was like, but I'm on this whole intention thing. Not based off of results, but intention. Right. And what I think I started noticing that I'm actually very, very proud of myself is that even though I fail and even though I mess up, I'm on a constant pursuit towards, like, being sanctified, like, set apart, like, quote, unquote, holy. You know what I'm saying? Like, I have. I've. I've been developing a hunger for that, and I can feel it because even whenever I'm doing something that's not right or not okay or goes against that, like, even when I'm doing something like that, there is an inner conflict that's happening, which shows me I'm not just accepting this anymore. Now there's something in me that's saying no. Like, there's resistance, there's pushback. And so I'm really proud of myself for that because I think that's going to. If I keep feeding it and keep making it, like, grow, then I think that's going to put me in a very good place later on in life. Right. I think it puts me in a very good place now. Just consciously, like, in my own head where I'm like, damn, dude. Like, you have come a long way. You used to do that and you were just like, didn't feel anything for it. And now you feel everything for it. Now it's like, you don't want to do that. It used to be a, oh, I enjoy doing this. And now it's a. I don't want to do that. I still do it because I'm trying to master my habits and my patterns, but the desire for it has, like, changed to where now it's not desire, it's disgust after it's done. Does that make sense?

It makes total sense. And the thing is, like, one thing I told you, I am very hard on myself.

Yeah.

And when, when I say that, it means that there was a, there was a season in my life. And I would say it was probably when I was your age and probably from my late 20s to my till I was probably mid-30s was where I, where I had an ego. And I thought that I was, you know, I, I'm, you know, I made this much money, I drive this kind of car and blah, blah, blah, you know, I, you know, I go to, I know everyone at this, all these clubs, and I'm connected and bubble, you know, it's like all the things that don't matter in life.

Yeah.

That I, I prioritized and made them like the things that mattered in life.

Yeah.

And, you know, in hindsight, I was like, it makes me like, gives me the like, yuck. And like, I, I don't, I don't ever want to be in that mindset again because I, I, I literally, like, you know, you know, owning a nightclub was, was like, you know, just. I literally owned a nightclub just as I owned a nightclub, sadly.

I mean, that's pretty dope, though. That's pretty dope.

That's, that's, that's surface level.

That's surface level dope.

I'm spending $3,000 a weekend at the nightclub. Might as well invest in it. You know, it's like, I mean, it's.

Not a bad investment.

But see, you're 30 too, so you can think that way.

But I did say on the surface level, that's dope.

Okay, we'll agree to disagree. But anyway, my point is, is like, have. Having left that, that, that Scott Fisher behind. Yeah. Feels pretty damn good, man. I'm not gonna lie. And I now, it's like nothing I do is, do I consider to be like a success. Like, there's not a financial goal that will allow me to feel like I've made it because, you know, I've been there. And it's like getting wealthy is one thing. Maintaining it is another. Right.

Yeah.

So. So it's, it's like when you've done a lot, but now it's making sure my son doesn't grow up and, and, and kind of misprioritize things in life. That's kind of what my focus is now, as opposed to all the. I was doing when he was too young to know what I was doing.

Yeah.

And but, you know, so. And that's also why it feels good to know that I'm, I'm, if you're in my life, I'm 100 honest with you.

Yeah.

I'm loyal to you. I'm generous with you.

Yeah.

And it feels good to have, you know, people very. I don't have a ton of people in my life because I, I, I expect back what I give. Like, I don't, you know, if, if you ask me for a thousand dollars, I give it to you, but I don't expect you to give me a thousand dollars if I ask for you. I'm not saying that.

Yeah.

But, you know, I'm saying if I have it and you ask for it, you, it's yours. Right. And I don't expect that back. But that's just who I am and, and how I am with the people that I allow in my life. I, which is a small circle.

Yeah.

And it, you know, you got to be a really interesting, good, positive person to be in my life. Otherwise, I have no room for you.

Yeah, bro, it's like running a company. It's like, is a good example that I use for my clients whenever they're about to start hitting the dating scene. And I'm like, dude, imagine that you have a company and you are looking to hire a very important position, which a potential partner is probably the most important position that you're ever going to hire in your life. Right. But so are the people you associate with. It's like, there needs to be some sort of qualifications. Like, like there are requirements. If you apply for this job, you have to meet certain credentials to even get an interview. And then after that, you got to get another interview. And then after that, depending on how important the position is, there's another interview. But for some reason, we just let people walk into our life with no interview.

Right.

And with no, like, requirements on there.

Very, very good point. And the funny thing is, I don't.

Know why you experience life on your terms, bro.

I do. Yeah. I, I, I, I, I will give props where, where, where, where, when and where they're due and to whom they're due, where credit is due, it will be given just based on, you know, even if we're not friends, just events that I know about you.

Yeah.

Or that you share with me or a group that I'm in or whatever, or our support group, for example. So, you know, it's like, but if you're, if you're a lazy bum, I'm not gonna compliment you.

Yeah.

Even when you do one little thing that's kind of good, but you're 99. A bum. I have a hard time complimenting you. Even if you do one good thing that may be bad, it really. I. I may.

I made.

I may need to change my mindset on that because that's. That's kind of not cool, but.

Or is it.

I don't know.

But, I mean, you never really thought about until you said it out loud anyways, so.

That's true.

Yeah. It's like, hey, bro, One thing that I. I know that I started feeling really bad about, like, towards myself, and I started, like, really talking down on myself for was I started thinking that I wasn't fun. And here's why. Here's the. Exactly. Right.

You're one of the most charismatic I know, dude.

Bro.

And just. I just said that when I was talking to Mary on the phone earlier. I was just like, he's one of the most charismatic people. Like, he. He. He makes the show fun. Like, I'm a. I'm the boring old guy that nobody even cares about on the show literally ever, dude.

But, dude, this is why I felt that way, man. It was because I used to be, quote, unquote fun because of the friend circle that I was in. And then what I realized was, you know what became fun to me? As lame as this might sound to some people, but to me, it's not lame. Reading became fun. Building things became fun. Like. Like a business serving people. That. That. That is fun. My definite. Exactly. My definition of fun shifted, but I hadn't grieved that side of me yet. I was still trying to hold on to it and be like, wait, but what about that guy? Right? And I'm like, no. Like, I am. Like, when me and you hang out, I think we have fun, but most people would probably be like, this is boring. What am I doing here? Or they'd be like, dang, dude. These dudes do nothing but think about dreams and vision and how they can build.

They listen to our conversations, and if we're out drinking or if we're sitting in a room downstairs having coffee, it's always fun. Yeah, but, you know, like, sadly, I used to think fun was getting used. Like, I used to drive downtown to my. My downtown apartment where I had, you know, partied on the weekends and. And, you know, spend money stocking my liquor cabinet so everyone could come over and drink it all, you know, it's like. Like, that's not fun. That's just getting used. But.

But I'm like, open your.

You know, it. It's like, open your eyes. And that's why I say when I look back to that phase of my life, I'm just, like, icky. Yeah. You know, and it's like.

Like, that's not fun.

Like, I just. All I'm doing is getting used by people who don't give two shits about me.

Yeah.

And that's fun. Come on, dude.

Exactly. Exactly, bro. But that's something that I would, like, beat myself up with, bro. I was like, dude, like, you used to be. Oh, I have this and that. Like, the.

Out of myself for that.

And. And then it, like, started affecting, like, almost like my dating world, bro. Because I was like, what do I like to do that's fun? And I was like, man.

Or.

I think that's universally fun.

Right.

I've never left that side of the fun. But for me, it was like, bro, you know what I think is fun? I think what's fun is, like, talking about what we talk about talking about, man. You know, Ed Mylett dropped a book on the power of one more. The power in that. Talking about. For me, you know, honestly, jiu jitsu is kind of like my guilty pleasure, too. Like, these different things and then talking about, like, these, like, murder mystery stuff. But, like, what drove them to do that? Not just, like, talking about it, but I want to know about the person.

Like, building. It's like, yeah, like, getting a step closer to getting my business off the ground that I've been working on for over a year.

Yeah. What takes a business from A to B, and then what takes it from B to C? And then how does that person operate? How do they balance, quote, unquote, or counterbalance or how do they just lit? Like, to me, that's pretty fun, dude. And I think once I finally stopped talking to myself that way, and I was like, dude, you know what? Like, I am fun. It just looks different. That's when I allowed myself to actually have fun, like this. This type of fun. It's like, you know what? I can't wait for Monday, because Scott's gonna walk in, and we're literally gonna talk for an hour, hour and a half about business stuff. That, to me, is fun. Yeah, it's. It is fun. And it's not even our business. It's his business, and then it's my business, and then it's all this other business venture that somebody else is doing and how that's interesting, and it's just fun. Shark Tank is fun.

We talk about success yeah, and, and, and, and milestones and hey, this one guy did this. But it's about somebody being. We don't talk about people that fail. Like, hey man, listen to this one loser. I really. Yeah. You know, it's like we, we talk about things that build each other up and that it's feel good conversation. Yeah, right. At least for us.

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And even when things aren't going like the way that they're supposed to be going and either one of our businesses, it's like, we'll talk about those quote unquote failures, but then two weeks later we're talking about the lesson that was learned through it. And then it's like, thank God.

Well, it's also like, like, you know, with, with support group.

A lot of.

People don't like, want to, like many times they don't want to show up because they're feeling down or they had a bad day or they've been working, you know, two jobs. And it's like every single time we're about to, you know, hang up, which is usually an hour to sometimes two hour, an hour and a half, but everybody at some point, you know, got in the conversation, got some, got, you know, some positive reinforcement, got some, some in positive input. And everybody always says, I feel better than when, when I, when I showed up and I almost didn't show up.

It's like the gy.

No, literally.

Yeah.

I mean, that's what happens emotional every Monday night. And it's cool, you know, and whether, if it, whether it's five of us or, or 12 of us, it's the same thing. So yeah, if you haven't, so you haven't ever been, stop By Monday nights, 9 o' clock central standard time.

So yeah, to exclamation point, everything. This was fun.

This was fun. I hope, I hope you guys enjoy it because it's been going for a long time. Yeah. Frank, go to the bathroom.

And that was fun.

So if that's, if that's, if that's not proof that this shit's organic.

Yeah.

And authentic. I don't know how. Yeah, bro.

And to me, These episodes, the 1 hour 45 minute plus episodes, to me those are the most fun. Like we tried doing something a little different for you guys.

20 minute power episodes, but it was.

Just too bullet point, man.

It was too. Just like it wasn't us.

Yeah, exactly. But hey, we tried it. We ran a smoke test. I think we got some messages about you guys also saying how like man, I missed those long episodes and so we might just be going back to the. We're going back to those.

We didn't. We didn't decide to. We just did.

Yeah.

If that says anything right.

Literally.

Literally.

Literally. It was. We were in the middle of an episode, and then Scott was like, reminding me that our time is coming close.

We'll just make it two episodes.

And then I was like, then you just screw it.

And you just threw it on. You didn't even edit it out. And so. Yeah, yeah, we don't spend a ton of time on editing because we don't have time.

Yeah, yeah. And it's more fun that way. But yeah, man. Hopefully you guys enjoyed this sporadic episode that just kind of went everywhere. Hopefully you got some gems about the power of self talk and how we can begin to kind of address those things, change them. Hopefully you guys are looking for an update from the Fisher household on this new situation came up. And hopefully if you feel bad because you think you're boring now, you recognize, man, I'm not boring because I'm into self help. This is just fun to me. And you give yourself the freedom to kind of change your circle around, man. I think that's okay. And that's healthy. Anything else, Scott?

Well, if you push this live, I'll see you guys tonight at 9 o'. Clock. If you don't ignore it on Thursday.

About to go live, guys, it'll be live. Awesome, guys.

Thanks for tuning in.

Y' all have a blessed day.