Struggling with being too TOUGH or too SOFT?

Hey, you're listening to the Single Dads podcast, a podcast for single dads by single dads. In this podcast, you're going to be encouraged and hopefully given some practical tools to be able to become the parent that you've always wanted to be and that you know you can be. Hopefully, this podcast encourages you. Make sure that you download the Single Dads podcast app to join our community. Hope you enjoy the show. Check, check. All right, everybody. Welcome back to the Single Dads podcast, man.

Welcome, welcome.

We. We just released the app this past week, so hopefully you're enjoying it. Hopefully you're logged in. I'm already messaging with. With a couple of you, and it's just so cool because it's a. It's a different platform, man. It's really awesome.

Yeah. And we actually haven't even put out the episode that really officially announces it, Frank. So.

Yeah, I did today.

Okay, well.

Which is technically seven days ago.

All right, well, I hope everyone's enjoying it, and I hope to see a lot of new user profiles created, and, yeah, that's what I hope to see.

Today. We wanted to chat a little bit about something that I feel like we all go through constantly, and it can really, really hinder us, and that is entertaining. The thought of, man, am I being too hard on my kid, or am I being too lenient with my kid? Which I almost feel like it's. The leniency is almost something that we naturally fall into when we go through the situations that we've been through because our kid has already suffered, and then therefore, we want to, like, remove suffering from their lives as much as possible. And because of that, we start not being the parent that we thought we were going to be. It's like we become more lenient. You know what I'm saying, bro?

Absolutely. It's a. It's almost like being overly empathetic to some extent.

Yeah.

And giving. I don't know, coming up with justifications for being lenient. Like, for me, oh, his mom passed away, so I'm gonna be lenient in this area.

Yeah.

And, you know, that's been a situation for me multiple times.

Same because of the divorce.

Yeah, same for divorce. And we can probably think of quite a few reasons, but bottom line is that every parent has been too lenient and too strict. And I think when you bring co parenting into the mix.

Oh, gosh.

Wow. That's. That's literally like, you know, God, that's a whole animal I don't even want to get into.

I don't think that's why we brought Jay Skibbons in, so we can get into it with him.

Yeah, so. And by the way, sorry about the audio on the episode with Jay. Well, no excuses. Just sorry about the audio.

We did it over Zoom. We're still trying to figure out how to be able to do Zoom calls and get really nice crisp audio. But hopefully you guys enjoyed it.

Let.

Let us know on. On Instagram. Let us know on. On. We're about to start uploading on YouTube. If you guys enjoyed that, hopefully you guys followed him, reached out. If you're struggling with some stuff, you can also reach out to me. I do also, you know, co parenting coaching, mainly divorce recovery, but I handle all those issues. But the thing is, speaking about the subject, I don't want you guys to think that, like, oh, man, these guys think that they have the all the answers. We don't. We're just offering. We're just offering another perspective. And also we're offering a space where it's like, we know what you're going through and we want you to know that we know what you're going through because we're also going through it. And we just have some thoughts on. On it. And they don't always. Aren't. They're not always going to be the exact thing that is right. Because in parenting, there is no freaking formula that is like perfected that says if you do A plus B plus C, you're going to get an incredible child. Like, there is some things obviously that we all know that we should be doing, but handling stuff like, man, am I being too strict? Am I being too lenient? Like, that can take a toll on us as parents.

Oh, absolutely. And you know, as cliche as it is, kids don't come with a manual that tells you do this, do that. At this age, you do this. But there are a lot of things, or I should say resources available to us now that our parents did not have growing up.

Sorry, guys. I just got a notification from Spotify that our episode went live. So I was just showing Scott.

Oh, badass. Cool.

Yeah.

So no kid came with a manual. And you know the biggest thing like what for you, Frank, what is. Give. Give us an example of a time where you have been, in your eyes, too hard on the goose, his daughter.

Okay, so I'm gonna give just a couple of examples because, wow, there's that many shit. I haven't been that hard on her until recently. And this is when I really started, like, having conflicts within myself.

Right.

So I've Actually been extremely lenient with my little girl and, like, extremely soft because my little girl was born, like, four months premature. She was in the nicu. She had surgery on her lungs, on her heart. She. She went through a ton just as a infant. And I didn't get to meet. Get this, she was born November 11, 2011. I did not get the opportunity to finally meet her until February 2013. To give you some context of kind of what I've been through, right. And kind of what she's been through. So I obviously was doing everything that I could in my power and doing everything that I could control so that I could spend time with her. But because of, you know, the ex and just resentment and whatever it is that was going on on their end, um, I was kept away. And then the attorney stuff, like the legal stuff, took a long, long, long time. And I just want to be very clear. I was not abusive. I was not into drugs. I was not into anything like that. It was. I can't tell you why what happened happened, because I don't actually know why I was kept away from my little girl. There's no good reason for it, but I went through it. So then I finally get to meet my little girl, and then we end up with, like, getting married, and then we end up getting divorced. She, like, left just out of nowhere. And so my little girl went through all of that again, Right? And then on top of that, she's on the autistic spectrum. And so naturally it sucks because I always had this feeling of, like, oh, she has that issue, so life is going to be hard for her already, right? It's. It was kind of like my mindset, and it was a terrible mindset to have because guess what I started doing? I started doing things like, you know, when she was seven years old, I was still tying her shoes. I was helping her. I was still helping her put on her socks. And some people are like, you know, oh, that's really sweet and this and that, but if you guys don't follow Matthias Barker. I think it's Matthias Barker or Matthias Baker. Incredible, incredible therapist, family and kids and everything like that. What is that? You hear that? I'm sorry, you guys hear that music?

Oh, there.

Scott was over there watching kids YouTube.

Sorry about that, guys.

No, and so. So I was doing all these things, but Matthias says something that's really powerful. He says, never do something for a kid that they can do on their own because you're going to hurt them in the long run.

Right?

Something I wish I would have known, which I think subconsciously I did know, like deep inside. But my daughter had been through so much that I wanted to alleviate any type of pain that I could. If I could alleviate some pain, I wanted to do that so that she did not have to struggle as much, which sounds so great on paper, but in the long run, it's not a good thing at all. And it's something that I noticed because now my daughter started falling into, you know, now at the age of 10, where now it's like she kind of wants to. Wanted to be babied all the time. And she was scared to do things that she would fail to do or new things and try new things. And I started noticing it. And then that's when I started being tougher, right? And by tougher, I wasn't really tough. And I remember I was teaching her how to play an intro for. For a song in the piano because I want her to, like, try different things and see things that she likes. And so I was teaching her and she just wasn't really paying attention. And I started getting really angry. And I know why I got angry. I got angry because it said that I'm a bad dad. Because I'm the one that's taught her to not pay attention to anything unless it's not causing her frustration. I've taught her that. She didn't learn that just out of nowhere. She learned that from me, her mom, people around her, all those things.

And.

And so I got angry. And I just remember being like, goose, if you don't pay attention, you're never going to learn anything. I was like, you're so smart when you want to try things, right? I'm like, anytime you put your mind to it, you accomplish it. And I. And then I got down on her level. Everyone says get down on their level and we think about it physically, but I actually got down on her level. I related to her. She loves playing the Nintendo Switch. And so then I finally told her, I said, baby, when you play your Nintendo Switch and you can't pass a level, what do you do? She said, I keep trying. I was like, until you pass it, right? She was like, yeah. I was like, and then when you pass it, you feel good, right? Because you passed it. She was like, yeah. I was like, it's the same thing here on the keyboard. I want you to keep trying until you get it. And keep trying because you can get it. Just like that level felt impossible to you. This is going to feel impossible. And then fast forward. I put her into Jiu Jitsu, all of you guys know that. I've talked about it quite a bit now, but I put her into Jiu Jitsu. And Jiu Jitsu is a very technical art, very technical martial art. It's not something that you can just kind of like get away with. Why? Because you're fighting 100% on your first day. You got another human trying to strangle you on your first day. So you can't really just get away with things, right. And just slack. Well, she was having some hard times with some techniques, and I was working on them with her one day before class. I got there like 30 minutes early. I was teaching her how to do a front roll, how to do hip escapes, all these things. And so I was working with her, and she started getting so frustrated to the point where I could see she was holding back tears. And then that's when I was like, dude, am I being too tough? Like, am I being too. I started.

Maybe it's just too. It was too much at once, maybe. I don't know.

Maybe. Right? And so. But in that moment, I got. I got to talk to her. And I told her, I pointed because the younger kids were training. And I was like, look, baby, you see all of them right there? And she was like, yeah. I was like, all of them are frustrated too, because their trying's also. I was like, and guess what? When papa's training, because she calls me Papa, I was like, when Papa's training, I get frustrated too, because I don't hit every move, I don't hit every arm bar, I don't hit every choke. Sometimes I'm the one that gets choked. Right? And I told her, the point is not to give up when you get frustrated. If you need to take a break, let's take a break. And so we took like a one minute break, and then we tried it again. And then she did better. And so it was like that inner conflict, though. Like I. I remember going home and just being like, dude, am I. Am I being too hard on her? Am I. Did I go from one side of the pendulum all the way to the other? You know what I mean?

Yeah. I was going to say, if you can get her to understand frustration and overcoming frustration.

Yeah.

As a positive, then, dude, you've done a phenomenal job as a father. It's. It's getting them past the frustration and not allowing them to quit because they're frustrated. Yeah, that's the difficult part. And especially with, with your daughter, because, you know, she's autistic. So. And I know that kind of plays. Comes into play in situations like that.

Yeah.

So, you know.

Yeah. It's.

I can't tell you. Hey. But I can say any parent out there that can get past. Or can get their child past frustrations and without quitting.

Yeah.

Then they're doing a damn good job.

Yeah.

And.

And. And that's honestly. That's honestly my goal. And it's kind of like I'm in a season in my life right now where I want to frustrate her as much as I can, because if I can get her to face frustration enough, she'll become familiar with it, and it'll become like, oh, I've been here, been here, done that. Right. And it. It really hit me heavy. Like, in a good way. Me and. Me and. Me and her were hanging out with my girlfriend, and we were just doing something, and. And my girlfriend started getting, like, frustrated because she couldn't do something. And literally, my little girl. My little girl said, it's okay. Just try again. She literally said, just, it's okay. Just try again. Yeah. And so now, like, she's at the point now where I tell her. I'm like, hey, baby, what do we do when we fail? She's like, we try again, papa.

I was like, yes, Amazing.

That's. That's all. That's all I've ever. Because that, to me, is. This is gonna lead to success in life, in anything, because we're gonna face frustrations and we're gonna face failures, but it's not about staying there. It's about getting up and trying again.

See, guys, just FYI, all of our podcasts are unscripted. We just kind of get topics and go. I kind of think Frank had this one scripted mentally so he could pat himself on the back. I think, no, I'm totally kidding, dude. But. But pat yourself on the back for that, because that's badass.

Yeah.

No, it really is.

I appreciate it. It literally brought me to tears. And I know there's so much more to like, go. And so much more. Like, so much more, like, strongholds to, like, break off. You know what I mean? But to me, the fact that now she. Now she's catching it, that if I fail, I just have to try again, and if I fail again, I just try again. And we just learn more and more as we go like that, to me, is something that. I just want it to be part of her core DNA. And just because, I mean, hindsight is 20 20. Right. We look back at our dads and we're like, man, I wish they would have done things differently, but if they hadn't done it the way that they did, I would not be who I am right now. All the good and all the bad. It's like what I was telling you earlier about that dude, where I was like, if you're gonna blame someone for all the bad, you also got to blame him for all the good that came out of it, too.

Yeah, absolutely. And when you were. When you were talking about that, I'm thinking, because my son's 15 and I take. I go back when. Because how old your daughter? 10.

10.

So I go back when he was 10 and I was too lenient. I did allow him to quit martial arts and later found out why, because he was scared he wasn't going to get to the next level to get his next belt. I did not know that. I had no clue. I'm not going to go back into all the details as to. You know, my whole point is I allowed him to not go anymore. And part of it was because it was nowhere near the house.

Which was a little inconvenient.

A lot inconvenient, because he signed up with his grandma during the summer. And then. Anyway, point is, though, when I found that out, I felt like such a. I felt like. I really felt like I was a shit father for that. That moment in time. And, you know, in hindsight, you know, I think I was too lenient about some things. And I brought up the reason why, initially, because of his mom.

Yeah.

And that's not an excuse. And I. I just. These days, I. I don't have to be. My whole goal these days, I guess, is getting him to learn from his mistakes. Yeah. Not so much, like, punish him, because my. My whole goal is I want him to feel comfortable coming to me about things and really good. It's not about, you know, all right, you did something wrong. He came to me. A quick story. He came to me like, it's irrelevant, like, a week or two ago. And he sat down and. Or he came up to me and he's like, hey, dad, can I talk to you in your office? And it's like my kids summoning me to my office. Right.

You're like, oh, crap, what'd I do?

This has never happened.

But how the turntables.

How the tables turn, you mean? Anyway, so. Yeah, so I shut the doors, and I'm like, what's up, buddy? And he told me that. He's like, I got his. He goes, I got a zero on a major Grade in English class. I was like, why? And he just started kind of like. Like, climbing up. And I could just. He's like. He goes, I just. I just wanted to get out in front of it and tell you before you found out. And I'm like. He goes. He goes. That. The teachers handed it back to me, and it had a big zero on it, and it said plagiarism. And I'm like. So I'm thinking to myself, no shit. Plagiarism. Zero on a major grade. What a dick of a teacher. Seriously. I mean. I mean, I know things are different now. And, you know, there's ways that you can, like, scan a document and see what exactly is plagiarized. Right. He's like, dad, it was two sentences. Not that that makes it okay, but. But it was two sentences. And I said, buddy, the fact that you came in and sat down, you know, and he got. He teared up, and he's like, I just. I didn't know what to do. And. And he goes, I just feel like I. I'm like, dude, first and foremost, I've done it. Yeah. When I was your age, I did it.

So probably more than two sentences, too.

A lot fucking more. But anyway, you know, and believe me, I didn't harp on that. I just said, man, the fact that you came in here, you sat down, and I've always told you, what. When you get ahead of something and you're honest with me, what will happen? He goes, I won't get in trouble. Exactly. So I can see you're sad. You're upset, and is that because you feel like you've disappointed me? He's like. And myself, wow. And I said, well, you know what? Maybe I'll reach out to your teacher. Because I honestly, I think it's a dick move of him to just give you a zero and say plagiarized. I think a lesson should be learned from it. Yeah. And I can see that you've already learned from it. Do you. Will you Plagia. Will you do this again? No. Okay. And I believe you. I really do. Just based on how he was, you know, reacting about the whole situation. And so I practice what I preach. I. As much as I wanted to, because I was really pissed off at this dick teacher of his. Yeah. Who I hope never listens to this podcast. But anyway, I wanted to type up an email and be like, you know, that's no way to.

Come on, man.

How do you handle that with a freaking ninth grader, dude? Anyway, Riley came home. My son Came home from school the next day, and he was like, hey, my English teacher gave me another chance, gave me 48 hours to redo it. And so I said, what are you waiting for? Times a ticking.

Let's go.

And he ended up getting, like, a 92.

Nice. There it is. I hit that. And then it failed. But then it worked. That's incredible.

So I just wanted to share that story. And, you know, it was. It was. It was kind of heartfelt. You know, it's like, I love the fact that he was honest with me about something. He got out in front of it, didn't let me find out the wrong way. And most importantly, he was honest.

Yeah. You know, and then that's like a. Because I know you really well, and I know that that's an outcome of other moments where you probably felt like you were being too tough. And. Because in those moments, you probably felt like, man, was I being too tough in that moment. It led him to be like, you know what, Dad? I want to come and get ahead of it and just be honest with you. And then in that moment, you showed him grace. You weren't lenient. You weren't too tough. You were just like, this is exactly what it's supposed to be, son.

Yeah. And. And I just wanted to keep my end of the bargain, or, you know, keep to what I said.

Yeah.

Hey, stay. You know, tell me about these things. I want you to feel like you can come. Not just about, you know, breaking a rule and letting me know before I find out.

Yeah.

I'm glad. And I want you to continue to do that, but I also want you to be able to come to me and talk about, you know, sex or anything, drugs or any scenario that may come up. I just want. I want you to see me as your dad, but also somebody who's been around the block. I've been your age. I understand. You know, and I've proven to you by telling you exactly how you feel throughout a day. And you told me I was spot on, so, you know that I've been there. Yeah. And so I think that, you know, there's. There's a bond in creation. I hope, and I hope it continues to grow. And as it does or does not, I will continue to share. Share it with everyone.

Yeah, no, I think it is gonna grow. Honestly, man, it's just. It's just slow. It's like, that's why my whole life's theology is based out of, like, you know, just 1% changes, because even just 1% growth is progression. Like that conversation that you had with him. That's progress.

Absolutely.

You know, I mean, and I think a lot of the times, what. What I know that I do personally is anything, anytime that I experience progress, I never celebrate it enough. And one, one. One very practical tool that I want everyone to really, genuinely try, because I promise you, you're going to feel the effects of it really fast. But I learned it from Tony Robbins. I was at his event this past week, and he calls it stacking. And so whenever you have a great moment, it's. It's so easy to just like, man, that was cool. Onto the next. But he says, no, stack the moments, right? So, like, what did I enjoy about that moment? What stood out to me?

What, what, what.

What was. What was I feeling? What did they look like? Right? And kind of like, what? Relive the moment again and stack those, like, memories, and then you feel all the joy and gratitude of that moment all over again. And it's something that I've started trying to do, even with my little girl. Like, even here when I'm telling those stories. Like, I. I just vividly imagine it in my head when it happened, you know, and just see it again because I want to remember that, and I want to carry it with me, and I want it to leave a mark on my heart. Right. And then you get to start doing that with your kids. Like, I can't do that with my little girl right now because she's just as. No, like, she is not going to pay attention to me for that long, especially about something like that. But, like, later on when she's older, like, I can be like, hey, baby. So why did you enjoy that so much? What was your favorite part? I mean, we do this sometimes automatically. Like, what was your favorite part of that movie? It was a badass movie. Right? What was your favorite part? Oh, yeah, no, my favorite part was this. Right. Every time when we come out of the movies, that's what everyone does, or you stack the negative. That movie sucked. Yeah, this was terrible. So let's just. If we do that in just some of these normal, like, small victories, we actually get to enjoy them longer and see, like, the depth of those victories and those. That progress. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. And, you know, just thinking back to that whole story I just told at the very end of it, I said, do you feel better now? And he said, yeah. I said, stand up and give me a hug. And. And. And it was a tight bear hug. I love you, son. I love you, dad. At age 15 and a half. That felt, getting that, man. And it's like, it's like hugging myself because he's my size now. But nevertheless, you know, it was just. I'm sorry to keep harping on it, but it was good. It was a heartfelt story for me and, And I felt like some progress is being made. Yeah, it's. And those of you who have teenagers or are about to, or eventually. Well, you'll get it.

Yeah.

You will get it. Yeah. I can't. I can't wait for that.

But look at what you just did, bro. You just stacked.

Yep.

You just relived that moment all over again.

I did.

And when you're driving home to see your son, you're going to want to walk in there and be like, dang it, son, get over here. I love you, man. I'm sorry I don't tell you enough. Now go play your video games and leave me alone. Yeah, but like, it's so true. Like, I, I have that with, with my parents. Like, I don't know, man. I just, I. I feel like life is too short to wait to toss our flowers at people until they're in their grave. I want to throw my flowers now at them. You know what I mean?

Yeah, for sure.

The other day, my mom was on the phone with my dad and he was on speakerphone, and I was about to walk out the house because I'm living there right now, because I'm building a house. But I was walking out and I was like, dad, what are you doing? He was like, what else am I supposed to be doing? I'm working.

And.

And I was just like, this guy's an idiot. He always talks like that, like all angry and pissed. Yeah. And so then I was, I, I literally. In front of my mom, in front of my daughter, I did it specifically also because my daughter was there. And I want to lead by example because our kids will do what we do. They will not do what we say, no matter how much we think it goes the other way. And so in front of her, I was like, I was like, dad, honestly, man, I just want to say thank you for working so hard for all of these years. You've gotten up at like 5am for the past 50 years. I'm like, and if you wouldn't be working this hard, none of us would be able to have what we have today. So, honestly, thank you. And my mom was like, all teary eyed and I could hear my dad on the phone, like, choked up a little bit. He was just like, yeah, yeah, no, of course it came out of nowhere. And then I just left and did my thing. You know, me and the goose went to Jiu jitsu, but it was just like, in that moment, just tossing my flowers. Yeah.

Yeah. That's awesome. I. I actually had a very similar experience. I was able to tell my dad how grateful I was for him getting up. You know, I get it now. You work six days a week.

Yeah.

Our communication was basically leaving notes by the coffee pot because we didn't see each other.

Yeah.

And. But. But, you know, as an adult, being able to circle back and be like, hey, man, you're an amazing dad, and thank you. I'm so grateful for everything. Gosh, that's sort of. Yeah, I. I get it. So I got to throw some flowers, too. Yeah.

Always throwing flowers. Let's bring it back around to close up. Back to, like, when we feel like we're being too lenient or we're being too hard. At the end of the day, guys, we're never gonna know until later on in life if we were too leaning or too hard. But at the same time, like, just trust. This is why it's so important to have some sort of faith. Right? Like, I'm a Christian. I believe in God, I believe in Jesus, and I trust that God's gonna work all things out for the good of those that are called according to his purpose, because that's Bible. And so I trust that even in my mess ups, God's gonna turn around for good, because I've seen that in my life. Scott, you've seen that in your life. The worst things that have happened have happened. Think about it. If we hadn't gone through what we went through, this podcast would not exist.

Nope.

And we would not be encouraging the people that were encouraging, and I would not be helping the people that I'm helping and you, the people that you're helping. And so just know that at the end of the day, God's going to turn around. And one thing that I have been trying to really push myself to do, and it takes a lot of humility, is when I feel like I have been too tough, I go back later when I'm in a better mood, and then I address it and I let her know. Look, baby, I know it seems like I'm being really hard on you, but I want to tell you why. Because the why is the secret ingredient to everything. You know this. In business, in anything, if you don't have a strong why, it's not going to work. So if we're being tough and we're telling them to do this and this and that, but there's not a strong why it's not going to work. And so I told her, I was like, this is why. And I started casting vision for her future. Casting vision for how it could help her. Casting vision how? For how if she didn't do that, she would suffer in the long run. And I think as dads, we got to become masters at casting vision for our kids. On the why. Yes, why I did what I did. And maybe I could have done it better, sweetie. I know I. I maybe could have, but I want you to know why I acted that way and wanted you to do these specific things. It's not just because I'm being a jerk. It's because of these reasons. Right. And it just. It's just humility and vulnerability with our own kids.

Absolutely. And the last thing I want to say is a few things that you can do just on the regular to if you think you're being too hard or on your kids, make sure you do things like brag about the successes they've had and brag about the achievements. That's really good. And to two others where they can hear it. And man, that has an effect on them like you wouldn't believe. And I know that from experience. So I just wanted to throw that in as we wrap up today. And one. One more thing. Now that the app is out, I hope to see a lot of people that have created accounts. We are going to announce our first support group and next week and we will. So two weeks from today, you will hear about it. Or I might, depending on how many of you guys create user accounts, I might just communicate with you via the app and have support group with all you guys on there right now. So either way, thanks for tuning in, guys. Have a great one.