Tired from pleasing everyone?

Hey, you're listening to the Single Dads podcast, a podcast for single dads by single dads. In this podcast, you're going to be encouraged and hopefully given some practical tools to be able to become the parent that you always wanted to be and that, you know you can be. Hopefully, this podcast encourages you. Make sure that you download the Single Dads podcast app to join our community. Hope you enjoy the show. Man, this episode is. It's going to be. It's gonna be really good.

They all are.

Okay, I'm gonna go ahead and apologize ahead of time because I might get a little. A little happy with this one, a little intense with this one.

Okay, but why is that, Frank?

It's because I'm very passionate about this. Normally, what you get the most frustrated about is something you're passionate about. Right. And I run into this a lot with, you know, just people that I chat with. And I want to start off with this one question. Like, men, if you're listening to this, who's. Whose life are you living? Like, whose life is this? It's. It's your life. It's. It's your life. Which means that, yeah, your life is your life. Okay, my life is my life. If you're listening to this, your life is your life. And I want to, like, what we really want to talk about today is living life on your terms, because this comes. This comes up so often, and it's something that cripples so many people, men and women, where you're constantly worried about what your ex is thinking about you and the decisions that you're making and all those things in the world. You know what I'm saying?

Yes, I know exactly what you're saying. Talking to me or them?

Yeah, both. Both. So I want to hit on this because I know that it can be a big struggle, especially in co parenting, where you just run into the issue of, like, well, I don't know what my ex is going to think about that, or you're trying to implement things into your kid's life that your ex is not very happy with. She doesn't agree with it, all of these different types of things. And I just want to, like, put that question back into play. Like, who's. Whose life is this? Is it her life? Is it your life? I know, I know, I know. Trust me, I'm a dad. It's all about the kids. I get that. But what happens when you're trying to implement something for your kid that you know is healthy that the other person does not want you to do. But you genuinely believe in your heart of hearts that this is what's best for our child. And this is the style that I want to parent in my household.

So when that occurs, if and when that occurs, which it does in most situations. In fact, I mean, my, my co parenting situation is, I guess it's slightly different, but it's probably, I mean, everyone has their, their own unique scenario in co parenting in some form or fashion. I co parent with my late wife's mom, my son's grandma. That's. And you know, she, she lives 30 minutes and you know, has him most of the summertime and a week here and a week there.

Yeah.

There's nothing by the, you know, there's nothing legally that we deal with.

Yeah. Like by the books type of thing.

Right. So it's, for me, it's, it's very much, you know, trying to be as, as cordial and you know, she's, she's signed him up for like, she signed him up for martial arts one summer. Didn't talk to me about it.

Yeah.

He's gone on like, you know, trips and out of town stuff.

Amazing.

Without telling me about it.

And amazing trips too at that.

Some of them. Yeah. But, but my point is, is like, you know, in my, in my co parenting situation, just like anyone else's things happen and when he's with her, I trust everything that, every decision that she makes. Yeah. And if he goes to the, you know, one of his aunt and uncle's house to hang out with cousins or anything like that, I trust each and every one of them.

Yeah.

So same situation, you know, you, there has to be a level of trust.

Yeah.

And co parenting and when she wanted to sign him up for martial arts, you know, she thought it was good for him. And you know, I, I didn't, you know, put my, get in, get involved and because she paid for it, she did it, she took him, she picked him up. So who am I to say no, you can't do that? And I just wanted to. The whole, my whole point in laying that groundwork is because I know some of the things you're going to say is, you know, it's your, it's your child and if you believe something is good for them, then, like wholeheartedly.

Yep.

Then. And it's not like going against the current, you know, like you're not doing something against what, you know, you have agreed upon or, you know, whatever legalities have been put in place.

Yeah.

Then by all means, it's your decision to do Yeah, I believe that. And so, yeah, no, I just wanted to throw that out there.

Well, and that. That's how it is, bro. Because so many times, like, you hear it so often. Well, I hear it so often where it's like, I just wish that she would trust me and that this probably comes up in the support groups also where it's like, I just wish that she would trust the decisions that I'm making for our child. I just wish that she would. I just wish that she would. Well, if she doesn't, that's okay. As long as you know your intention. Now, obviously we can handle it in a situation where it can create a sense of peace for the other person and handle it the way that you would want it handled on your end. For example, if. If you're trying to implement something and she's just biting back at you constantly and telling you you can't, would you not want her to ask you, like, hey, why do you want to do this? Like, what is the reason behind it? I want to hear your perspective as far as to why. And then you get to communicate your intentions, you get to communicate your emotions behind it that you're feeling towards it. Right, right.

And. And I just want to say that, you know, often. Not often, I hope not often, but often at times there are situations when you, like you said, kind of barking back or, you know, or when rationality and logic has gone out the window, it's okay to ignore.

Yes. Because this is your life.

Because, you know, it really is. And you know, and if, if they're talking and ranting and raving about things that are, you know, hey, it's uncalled for, especially if it's in the presence of, of your child or children, then it is absolutely okay to remove the child from the situation. But more importantly, if. Let's just say that it's just between you and, and your ex, then it's. And they're not answering that question. Like, like in a logical, rational way.

Yeah.

Ignoring is okay.

Yeah, that. That's where you. That's where we have to implement, like, really healthy boundaries, man. Like, especially if it's in texting. I know a lot of like, co parenting stuff is handled through, like texting apps. And if, if she is or he is. Right, constantly, like just attacking, attacking, attacking. You can very, very simply say, hey, look, like, I don't think this is appropriate. This is not how I want to address this situation. When you calm down, let's talk about it again. Yeah, right. You know what? I'm Saying, like, just diffuse the situation. And then if they keep going, why do you need to respond? Why. Why do you need to allow that to, like, affect you? Just remember, this is your life. Live it on your terms. And say, I don't really want to listen to somebody talking to me this way, so I'm gonna put it on. Do not disturb. And then once they calm down, which it will, because an emotion passes, then you can address it again. And what's happening is you're showing what I will tolerate and what I will not tolerate. But if you're giving into it and then you're doing it to them too, why would anything change?

It's. It's. That's what you call a vicious cycle.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And so I know that a lot of us struggle with this. That's why I wanted to chat about it. And I know that you want your ex to respect you, and I want. I know that you want them to trust you, and I know that you want them to trust in the decisions that you're making. But if you're not to that point yet, just recognize that what you tolerate, you invite more of. And you have a choice in what you want to tolerate and what you don't want to tolerate. Create your plan of what you want to do and execute on it. And if they don't like it, but you know it's in the best interest of the child, communicate why you're implementing that plan just like you would want them to do for you.

Exactly.

And uphold it.

Yeah, it's. Be. Be empathetic, you know, do. Do with. Do with your child. What. How you would want them to do with your child.

Yeah.

On the other, you know, if the tables were turned, and if. If you stay. If you stay on that. That kind of format, then you're going to be in good shape. And if they choose to, you know, go outside the boundaries and be erratic or irrational, then, you know, that's your choice to continue to do what you know is the right thing and ignore. Yeah, and in a nice way. I mean, just. But there's no. There's no reason to. To, like, give in. The second you give in and start arguing back, and then that's. When that's. You lose.

Yeah, exactly. And I love what you said, like, be empathetic. This is so key, because you want to know why they're feeling the way that they're feeling. Because wouldn't you want them to know why you're feeling the way that you're feeling about a decision that they made absolutely. It's like, it's the whole, like, it's the whole philosophy between about sowing and reaping. It's like some of us, we want to reap a reward, but we don't want to sow it.

Right.

It's, you can't do that, dude. It's never going to work out for you. And just so you know, if you sow, that seed takes time to blossom and the harvest takes time to come. So, so consistently what you want to receive and what you would like to receive and don't have an expectation on them because at the end of the day, you're controlling how you want to show up. This is life on your terms. This is how I want to show up. I don't want to be frustrated. I don't want to be mad. I don't want anything like that. If they make you mad, you're allowed to be mad. But do you want to respond in that mad state? Because that's not going to do anything. Just get away from your phone, go scream into your pillow for a little bit. Process that I have and then it.

Does a 24 hour rule. Just generally speaking, like, and I'll give you a quick example. Like when my son came home and told me, he came to me and said, hey dad, I got a zero on a major grade. My teacher just handed, handed it back to me and said, zero. Plagiarism.

Yeah.

And he wanted to tell me before the teacher did, which I thought was amazing because we have, we have a rule like, if you, if you're honest with me and you come to me and you, yeah, you'd be up front, I've got your back. So I'm like, that's a little harsh to give somebody a zero on a major grade for plagiarism because I mean, I'm just thinking to myself, like heck, I know I'd be plagiarized if I had the Internet back then. Yeah. And, but, but he was, he was up front. He knew he did wrong. He, he made sure that lesson was learned. I mean, he even got teary eyed because he was concerned about the disappointment. I'm like, bro, yeah, we told, I told you.

You did.

You have done everything exactly how I've taught you. So you're good. You are good. And I'm going to take it up with your teacher. I was pissed. But instead of emailing his teacher that night, like I wanted to.

Yeah.

I, I implemented my 24 hour rule. And in doing so, when he came home from school the next day he said, my teacher actually came up to me and, and gave me a chance to redo it and I got an 85.

Wow.

So because I didn't react. Yeah. And make the thing. You can apply this to any situation.

Yeah.

It. Because I did want to react and my reaction might have changed his mind or her mind. I can't remember either way. So implement a 24 hour rule anytime. Like, emotion is going to be a catalyst in how you react.

Yep.

Because you will react differently 24 hours later. And it also gives the other individual or individuals time to kind of let things soak in as well.

Exactly. That's so good, bro. That's so good. Because it's patience, man. And it's allowing time to like, do a little bit of soul searching and give the other person the benefit of the doubt, just like we would want the benefit of the doubt. And at the end of the day, something that we need to remember is that suffering is a choice, but so is happiness, man. Peace is a choice. Joy is a choice. All of it is a choice. And it's just like, what do I, what do I want to choose right now? Do I want to choose to feed into this? Like, this is, this is my life. I'm over here with my kids and, and they're not. And so how do I want to experience that and make the choices that are going to lead you to that? That's why a lot of people think like, man, like, you know, you're just such a positive thinker. I'm like, I'm not necessarily a positive thinker. I'm a strategist. I put strategies into place to get the best possible outcome that I can get. That's, that's really what it is. Because just thinking positively about that person or about that situation is not going to change anything. If you don't change the strategy, that is what's going to bring a different outcome. It's like, you know, in those factories where they have like the things that are coming and the step one, step.

Two, step three, step four, that's called a process.

Yes, exactly. You change the process, you change the product. This is what happens. Right. And when you focus on stuff that you can control and you get into a more positive mindset, you have a clear mind to create a better process, a better strategy to get to the potential outcome that you want. Now stop expecting that potential outcome to be immediate. It's just not. It's not gonna happen. That's like if you chose to go on a diet, this week and you expect to lose 10 pounds by Friday. It's not going to happen. That's not how life works. You've got to sow now and expect a harvest later. Later. But the, the immediate harvest though is that you can have peace.

So true.

So hopefully that helps you. I know, I know, I know. I know that this can be a very difficult topic, especially if you're just like emotionally always like wound up. And this is why it's so key to do things that keep you in a good emotional state so you can handle these situation. Because life's always going to happen on its terms, man. But it can be experienced on your terms. So hopefully this episode blessed you and encouraged you and gave you some real like different perspectives.

Yeah, that's what I was gonna say. If any takeaway is have a different perspective or a new perspective or a reminder of a perspective that you once had. And we need to hear things sometimes and you know, when you know things are not going as you would like them to have a strategy, have a process in place and execute and you implement a 24 hour rule. Implement things that emotions don't play catalyst because that never turns out in as good as it could.

Emotions are great servants, but hellish masters.

Absolutely. Well said.

Do not be a slave to your emotions. Thank you guys so much for tuning in. We'll catch you guys on the next episode.