We feel lost when we don't have this!

That was. That was beautiful.

Welcome back, everybody. Welcome to the Single Dads podcast with Frank Ortega and myself, Scott Fisher.

You've been having a good day today, brother Man. For those that don't know, actually here in Texas. Ice.

Oh, dude, it's been. It's been kind of a crazy day, man. I got. I literally, I got out, I had to run a couple of errands and, you know, just the normal day and plan on being back by noon 30 to record with you. And all of a sudden it starts sleeting. Like ice is hitting my face. Yeah, I'm just walking, you know, just like, what the hell? And I mean, I knew. I knew it was coming, like, you know, snow or whatever. And it's like snowing balls right now. But at any rate, so I'm like, I better go grocery shopping because just me and the boy here, we have, like, nothing to eat or anything going on here. We have bottles of water and that's about it. And so I went to a couple grocery stores and then he got let out of school early and.

Hello. He was happy about that.

He was. And haven't seen him since. And then I was. I was moving his car around to the garage and he. Oh. And then I realized, like, I'm gonna be snowed in. I gotta have some booze. So I had to go to the liquor store, didn't I? And priorities.

That's why you were late.

Yeah, that's what it is. Just being honest and transparent as always. But you know what? I feel good. We've got food, we've got booze, and I should have. I should have a cocktail, but I don't.

Yeah, it's that kind of day right now. It's really that kind of.

Oh, it's five o' clock here. Yeah.

Literally, it's. I love these kinds of days because so many people let them, like, ruin their day and I'm like, oh, it just makes my day. It just, like, allows me to, like, relax a little bit.

Well, for a lot of people, they, you know, allows them to work less or an excuse to not have to do certain things. For us, not so much.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Exactly, bro. I want. I want to talk about something that I think is. I think it's so important for, like, especially single dads. I just think it's important for men in general. Right. But I think it, like, really good for single dads. And it's. It's like, we've got to have a. We got to have a mission, man. We. We got. We got to have a mission in life. And the, the reason why I want to chat about this is because.

When.

We start to, like, lose ourselves, it's not necessarily because of what's happening around us, but I believe it's because we don't have a mission. Like, there's no vision, right? Like, if you have a vision of something that, like, you wake up and you're like, oh man, like, I can see this happening. I want to make this happen. Like, you just naturally show up more energetic. You can naturally, it builds motivation in you. Instead of you having to try and create it, you have something to look for, forward towards, and it, like, drives you. And I mean, that's all masculine energy really is, is, is pursuing your mission. And that being like the number one thing that we focus on. And I think that's the number one thing that starts to leave whenever we get into this type of season. It's like now all of a sudden we feel lost and we think it's because all the stuff we've been through, but the reality is it's, it's because we don't have a mission.

Man, you can be more spot on if, if you, how many people out there that are listening wake up and maybe, you know, you kind of have an agenda for the day. Right. A lot of people during the week typically do. Those, those that have jobs and, and kids and schedule, which most people listening probably have all of those. And sometimes, you know, like, if you wake up and you haven't put any thought into, like, what, what, what, what the day holds, it ends up like, resulting in just little being achieved overall. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's like, it's, it's like if you don't have a vision, as you said, or kind of like what, you know, an agenda. And with an agenda comes a, a vision of like, achieving, accomplishing whatever that agenda is or looking forward to it or in some cases dreading it. But it's, nonetheless, it's, it's a vision and it's something that you're, let's say it's a situation or scenario that you're not interested in having or, you know, if it's, if you got to go to court over your kids or something like that, which a lot of our listeners do, so they can relate. But like, days like that, you just kind of, but you have a vision of getting through it and getting through it and a way that is hopefully favorable to you and, and your kid or kids and, but yeah, I mean, I, I, I think what you're talking about is, is crucial. And without having that every day.

You.

You, you can't show up being your best self and, and you know you're not going to show up 100 if you don't have that vision, if you don't have that, like what, you know, like the, the mindset that you're geared to do what you're, what you have to do that day.

Yeah, exactly, exactly. And I think that's why I, I want to be so intentional about having, having a clear vision of like where I want to go. Right. Like I was talking to my cousin today. This is such a good conversation. My cousin Sammy, dude owns a construction business and it's, it's incredible to see like he, he started off so young and now to see where he's at, you know, with a multi million dollar company that he's built from the ground up and to the point where now he's hiring. Like his dad works for him, all his uncles work for him. And he's just like this 26 year old cat that like just made it happen, right? He might be like 27 or 28, but he just made it happen. He had, he had a mission, he had a vision and he, he told me this, bro. He told me, he was like, bro, you know what happened the other day? I was like, what? Tell me. It was like, I've started doing this thing with my little girl, she's like seven now, where he said he saw a tick tock and that it motivated him to tell her, hey, you know what? From here on out, every single day, I'm gonna carry you to bed in my arms until you leave the household. I'm gonna carry you in my arms because I don't know when that's not going to happen again, right? And it, it resonated with me so much because I remember the other day thinking like, dude, I remember the last time I, I've picked up the goose in my arms and I don't remember the last time that I did pick her up. I remember what moment that was. I was like, I, I bet if I knew, I would have cherished it more. So now I pick her up. Now I'm like, I'm picking you up today, girl. Even if you do, if you are the size of your mom, like, I'm still gonna pick you up and carry you like you're my baby, right? And so it's just fun. But he said that what happened was he got to take her to bed and he was like, bro, I had A real conversation with her. Like. Like, I actually had a really. Like, a real conversation with her. And I. I started telling her, mckenzie, I want to tell you a story. And he. He took off the hat he was wearing. It was the company he used to work for. He was like. There was a man who. He ran this company, and this man told me that before I could fly, I had to learn how to walk. And so I quit. Like, and so I quit. And then now I have this business, and that's how I was able to build you and Mommy this house and all this stuff, right? And so he was giving her a little lesson as far as to his life experience, essentially, to always pursue your dreams, regardless of what anybody tells you. And I was like, bro, I told him. Because I had a similar chat with the Goose where I was like, baby, always follow your dreams. Because if not, you're going to have a mediocre life, and you're going to have a mediocre job. And people are going to tell you that your dreams are unrealistic. People are going to tell you that you're crazy for even thinking that you can achieve them. People are going to tell you, you got to learn how to walk before you fly. But it's about pursuing it. And I told my cousin this. I said, what's powerful about that, bro, is that you have a mission that you're addicted to, and you're building it. So now, when as she begins to get older and she has a dream, she has something that she wants to do, she's not just going to remember that, oh, my dad told me this one day. She's going to remember. My dad told me this, and he did it. And he did it. It's not just like, oh, go, go chase your dreams. Well, yeah, but. But you didn't, like, if it was especially. Because as kids, like, I don't know about you, but me as a kid, even though my dad wasn't, like, the greatest at all these things, whatever, there was things that could have been fixed or could have been better, I always saw him as like a superhero. Like, dude, this dude gets things done, man. I admire this guy, like, all these things. And it was like, if my dad can do it, I can do it. If my dad can't do it, then what makes me think I would do it? And it's almost like this belief we have as kids. And so I thought that was so interesting that the only reason he was really able to genuinely have that talk, because everybody can have that talk, but not everybody can Back that talk up. And I was like, the reason you were able to do that, bro, is because you had a mission that you've been obsessed with, which I think is so cool.

That is cool. It's really cool. And bear with me because I'm having technical difficulties.

What's going on over there?

Apparently, I have to accept terms and conditions in order to. Wow. Okay. Keep talking, buddy. Okay. Can you hear me?

All right.

My. Sound good? All right, Done with us.

All right. I'm gonna do my best to edit all that out, so just try and go on from where I finished.

Did you. Did you edit out when you went to take a pee and left me hanging?

No, because you chatted.

Not. Not how I would have if you were here. Anyways. Yeah, man. So it's back to what you were saying. It's something that. And when you. When you initially started talking about it, forgive me, because I was actually kind of thinking of it as more of a short term thing instead of a long term, which you were kind of talking about. But at the end of the day, actually, they both come together in the same light. Right? I mean, you have to have. You have to have a vision to. To create long term goals. You have to have a vision to not create, but to accomplish and achieve both short term and long term goals. Right. And that's one of the biggest things that. It's actually one of the things we spoke about. Goals versus systems. Right? Yep. And does your cousin now have systems in place?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's what. That's why his company is where it's at today. And that's what I was saying. I was like, bro, what's really cool about that conversation is not the fact that you had it with her, because I feel like so many people have it with them. It's the fact that you're able to back it up without even saying a word. You don't have to tell her, look at daddy. She will literally see you and. And just be able to say, wow, dude, he really made it happen. And he's making it happen every single day.

And see, that's. That's the coolest part. And yeah, I re. I respect all the people out there that actually do without feeling like they have to talk about it. You know, it's like, you know. You know the motto that I live by, show me, don't tell me. Right? Action over words. And it's just one of those things. It's like, if you have to tell people that I make X amount of dollars or you Feel like you have to tell people to validate yourself that you make this much money or you got to a certain place because you're such a hard worker. Those are the people that I, I have little to no respect for. I won't say no respect and make a blanket statement, but I mean, like, I, I respect the, out of people that just do and they don't talk about it because you want to know why? Why? It's never enough. It's never enough. They're never content and true. And those that become content are not ever going to exceed or excel to maximize their potential because they got to a point and they became content. And once. And what, what were we saying last week or the week before or every week for that matter? If, if you're not growing, you're dying, right? And you can, you could literally put that phrase into a relationship, a friendship, a business, a podcast, a community, whatever it is that you're wanting to, whatever your craft is, if you're not learning, you're not growing, you're dying. And it's funny because you and I both work with coaches for, I guess for a living, right? And just to some extent in a different sense. But nonetheless, we work with coaches and we get to see what they're doing, what they're not doing. And to me it's fascinating. I love nothing more than to have a, a one on one with, with a coach and, and ask questions and find out kind of what their mindset is and what, what, what do you, what they feel they are doing to improve on a daily basis, weekly basis, month over month, year over year. And it's just, it's fascinating to hear what, you know, like, what are you, like, what's the next thing, what's the next thing that, that you want to do? What's the next big thing you want to do? And that's one of the questions I love to ask. And when they go like a man, this should be like, right just on the tip of your tongue, like you should be excited about, ready to tell me. And oftentimes I find that they are just, that's why I'm on the phone with them probably, or on a call with them, because they, they're not sure or they're uncertain and they know what they want to do, they just don't know how to do it. And it's just kind of a common thing. And I'm not just talking about coaches specifically. It just so happens that we both work with them, so thought I'd bring them up but at the end of the day, it's like as, as entrepreneurs, as people, or just as an employee of a company, doesn't matter. Whatever you do to earn a living, everybody has to have something that motivates them to get out of bed in the morning, to want to either stay at their job because they're, they want a promotion, or maybe one day they want to take over the company, or maybe one day they, or they want to learn from the people that are, or that they work with, that have been around and they can learn from that so they can excel to whatever it is their goals are.

Yep.

And I mean, I, I know at least one of your goals because it's the exact same as mine is. We are passionate and are not going to stop until we build community, a large community. But at the same time, I say large, more so quality. A quality community of single dads that can help each other. And in 2023, we've decided that that's one of our main goals. And we are doing different things, we're putting different things together and we are going to make it happen. And whether we, whether at the end of 2023, we have 18 more people than we do now, or we have 200 more people than we do now, or a thousand more people than we do now, it's because we found that many quality people that genuinely want to be a part of something that is helping change the stereotype of single dads, which is unfortunately one that we can't say isn't totally untrue. But at the same time, that's just because there hasn't been enough platforms and enough people in the space that are encouraging single dads to step up and be better at life and be there for your, your kid or kids, whether it's with one mom, two moms, or six kids with six moms, it doesn't matter. And you don't get judged for it in our community. You get supported for it because you're stepping up and you're doing and you're wanting to do what's right, which is take care of your kids in the best way that you know how and make sure that they know that. And we've had people on the show, we'll continue to have people on the show, but they, at the, you know, our ultimate goal is to, is to make sure that every single single dad, every single single dad, every single dad out there that is listening to this podcast or part of the community or wants to be and will be, you're moving in the Right direction, you're doing something right because you're, you're showing that you want to improve and you're showing that you want to better yourself. And by bettering yourself, you're bettering your ability to be a good dad. And those are the people we're looking for to be in this community. Quality people that not only support, get support, give support, and learn from so many other dads that are in, you know, different scenarios. We're, I mean, I was thinking about it, man. There's like, so almost an infinite or infinite ways that people become single dads. Right. And a hundred percent of them are unplanned.

Yeah.

I mean, really, nobody, nobody has a kid and says, well, I can't wait to be a single dad.

Yeah, exactly. That's very true. That's very true.

No, there, there are the exceptions and, and there might be that, that guy out there that, that maybe adopts someone and, and he intended to be a single dad, but he's still a single dad. And it's probably not something that he planned on.

Yeah.

From the get go. It just, in life, for whatever reason, things happened and he felt it was the right thing to do and did it or whatever. But my point is, is that like, I, I, we're, we're all here by chance. We're all here because we didn't plan to be. And it goes back to, you know, life happens. And in my case, you know, I, I became a single dad and because I was widowed and lost my wife to a rare cancer at a young age. And that's just not something that I ever thought would happen. But I could, I, there's nothing I can do about that. That was God's plan. Right. And the only thing I can do is react. And how do I react to it? I react to it by. Sorry about that. I react to it by getting together with a friend one day and deciding that, hey, there's not enough people in this, in this world that recognize single fatherhood and the good guys that actually step up and, and are solid single dads, and we can change that. And believe it or not, it's, it's creeping up real quick on, on two years, bro.

Yeah, I know. Father's Day.

Yeah, I mean, it's pretty wild. And I know, I thought about that the other day. I was like, holy. But where I'm going with this is the fact that anybody that's listening to this and still listening to this is the exact type of person that we want to be a part of this community. Because you are listening to something because you think you might get something out of it that will change your mindset for the better. Maybe find some resources or meet some people that will allow you to improve in ways that, you know you need to and want to, but you just need the encouragement from people that are going through things that are similar to what you're going to and under. Are going through and understand, you know, what it's all about. And one of the biggest things that is. Is often brought up in the support groups that we have is, like, we all have different scenarios as to why we're here, but it's. It's really interesting how we all have, like, just like a. Almost like a. A bond of, like a brotherhood, you know, people. I mean, the most diverse group of people in the world. But we all have something that is kind of near and dear to us, and it's our. It's either our child or our children. And that's something that we all really get. And that's why we all get vulnerable. And that's why we all, you know, in some cases, shed tears and talk about things that we never talked about before until getting into a virtual room with other men that we feel comfortable enough to talk to, talk about those things. So.

Yeah, exactly. It's. It's more than, quote, amazing.

It's the mission.

That's what it is, is the mission. And I love what you were saying because, yeah, whether 18 people are. Are added onto it or a thousand, it doesn't really matter because it's a mission. Like, and that's what. That's what it's all about. It's about moving forward. And I like something that you said. You were talking about how we didn't become single dads, like, by choice. It was just by chance. Just happened. Just happened. And I think my biggest call to action for anyone listening to this is don't keep living by chance. Then. Now it's time to start living by choice. Like, I was having a conversation with a buddy of mine, and he was saying how he. He came to this realization, which we all know, but we never think about really deeply, that everything we do in life, bro, is a choice. Like, everything we do. Like you sitting there right now, that is a choice that you made, and there's a reason why you made it. Unless we're just running on autopilot, right? Whenever. Whenever somebody gets up and goes, do. Go to work. And you're like, God, I just hate this job. Well, now you're living by chance, not by Choice? Why are you there? Is there a better job that you can apply for? Is there something that you can do to take a risk on? Is there something, obviously, cover your. Cover yourself and then make. Make it happen, right? Make sure you're taken care of and then make it happen. But you're there by choice. So if you're going to wake up and make that choice, then make that choice. But don't kill yourself because of it. Don't suffer because of it. And it's the same thing. Like, when we wake up, where is our mind going? Because that's a choice. Again, don't just. Don't just wake up and live by chance mentally that hopefully one day things are going to get better. Like the. The amount of messages that we see, that's like, when does it get better? When you make the choice. When you make the choice to learn what's creating my suffering? How can I make this different? What can I focus on that brings me so much joy right now, Right? Like, what. What is the choice that we're making today? And I think that's the biggest thing that I want to. I've been encouraging myself to be more, like, conscious of bro is like, everything that I do. Like, today I was getting frustrated with my parents. Used to happen often. It's getting way better now, though. I was getting frustrated with my parents because they're like, well, this. And we need this and this. Can you help us with this? And I was just like, dude. I was like, okay, if I'm gonna help them, it's gonna. I'm gonna help them and I'm gonna make the choice to help them. But I can choose to get frustrated about her, or I can choose to do it in a different way. And then I made the choice. It was. It was like seconds, split seconds where all this started happening in my brain because I'm being more conscious of the choices that I'm making. Why am I making that choice? Like, I even chatted with you the other day when we were talking about stuff for the podcast, and I was like, I just want to make sure we make good choices. Because we make. Has a domino effect of things that need to also be taken care of that we might not even think about. And now I've been thinking more about, okay, if we do this, what all is that going to take? What's. This is the mission, but what is the system to get to the freaking mission? Because we overlook that, right? And I think I want to encourage everyone today, man, that if you're listening to this, like, live by choice now, not by. You became a single dad because of chance. You didn't ask for it. You didn't ask for it. But when you wake up and you go to work, that's a choice you're making. That's a choice you're making. You get to choose the attitude you go in there with whenever, whenever your kids are around and you're not present. That's a choice you're making. That's a choice you're making because you could easily snap yourself out of it, splash some cold water in your face and say, no, I'm gonna choose to be present with my kids today. I'm gonna choose to do this today. I think the more we do that and practice that, bro, I think we're going to have a life that we've chosen to design now. Not just a life that's just kind of, just kind of happening. And we're just going to try and roll with the punches as best as possible. Does that make sense?

100%. And it's, it's interesting because like, I've, I've, you know, over the past, I don't know how many months, but you know, there, there's been a lot of change, I guess you can say, in my life. And yeah, the, the one thing.

That.

I have come to realize is that like, no matter what happens, that is like, how do I want to say this and be PC about it and nice, but no matter, no matter how unfairly you feel that you have been treated or you got the shittiest hand dealt to you, blah, blah, blah, you know what? I've been dealt a lot of shitty hands in life and, and I've thought back to each and every one of them. Not actually, not, not all of them because there's some I've forgotten about, but the ones that really stand out, the big ones, right, the ones that are like life altering and, and I've thought about them and each and every time they have or I have consciously decided that, you know what, life goes on, man. And if I don't choose to allow this to be a lesson and find the positives in the worst, I mean, literally some of the worst things in the world, then what will happen is I will make a conscious decision to be depressed. I will make a conscious decision to not be my best self. I'll make a conscious decision to not do my best work. And so how do you find positives in some of the worst, what you think, at least you think at the time, are the worst? Situations. Well, for those of you who haven't suffered a. A lot, maybe you have suffered some. I'm going to give you some advice, and I hope you take it. And that advice. Is that what you think is the worst scenario or the shittiest hand you could be dealt? There's always one that's a sh. A lot shittier. And you should be fortunate that the hand that you got dealt, even. Even if it's like losing your wife, like, I'll. I mean, I'll throw that out there as one of the worst things that's ever happened to me. That my mom, the two female. The two women that were the closest people to me in my life. And how in the world can I find positives out of that? Well, I'm a different person because of it. I host a podcast because of it. I help and have helped a tremendous amount of people because of it. And those are positive things. Do I feel like that it's a fair trade? Selfishly, no. But again, life happens, and those are the things that we can't control. So just know that when life happens, it's out of your control. And that's the only. The only control you have is how you handle whatever that's. That. That shitty hand is that you were dealt. You know, I've chosen to bluff and win the hand. I've just.

Always an option, always a good option, too.

I've chosen to fold. And when the hand down the line a little bit, if that makes sense. But I'll shut up with the analogies and just say, a lot of times it's impossible to see the positives right then and there, because oftentimes they're not right then and there. But when you get through them, and you will, they become things that have made you stronger, things that have made you more empathetic than you realize you probably ever could be, which is a characteristic that a lot of people are very attracted to, and it's a good one to have. And it makes you a different person and not a different person in a bad way, unless you choose to let it make you a bad person. If you let it. If you. If you choose to. You know, we've had these discussions before. Like, I. I could choose to go become, oh, I'm just going to feel sorry for myself and drink every night and nobody understands and F off you. And F off you and blow off my friends and blow off the people that care about me. Even if you only have one or two people in your life that care about you, at least you have one or two people, be thankful for them. Which is another thing. I've. I see so many people taking life for granted and taking the things that are like, people would freaking kill for.

Yeah.

And it just. It just eats me up to see these people. And I'm like. And. And I know a lot of you guys out there have had people like, just do you wrong. And I think probably everyone has to some extent, but, you know, people that do you wrong, it's very, very difficult sometimes to keep your mouth shut, not react in a way that is irrational or, you know, not logical. But another piece of advice I'm going to give you guys for those that, that, that do you wrong and maybe cheated on you, lied to you, betray you, those that, that you cared for, did nothing wrong too, and don't deserve it. Just know that with patience, life will catch up to them and you don't have to do anything about it. You just have to be patient.

Yeah.

Move on with your life. Focus on you and your kids. And. My. And this just stopped recording.

Oh, I did. That's.

Yeah. Okay, it's full. So I don't know how you're going to edit that. But anyway, what I was getting at is don't worry about getting back at someone. Don't let the, the. The evilness lurk inside you. Just know that you should do the right thing. Try your best to let it go and start focusing on positive things and how you're going to move forward with life and obviously make your kids your priority and make you your priority and good things will happen to you and, you know, life catches up to people. What goes around comes around. Karma is a.

Yes, it is. Yes, it is. And it's so true. Man. Man. Bro. I think that's really good, honestly, for us to end off there because I. I think everyone needs to really soak that in because it's so true. Like, we go through really hard situations. Scott's been through some really hard situations. I've been through different situations. And at the end of the day, we do have a choice on what we make out of it. Right. At the end of the day. And is why I love the one verse in the Bible that says that God will give us beauty for ashes. It doesn't say that he's not going to give us ashes. It doesn't say that things that we create aren't just gonna burn to the ground. Doesn't say that. But it says that he will give us beauty in it. And I think it's our job as humans to find the beauty by looking for it. Because you can always look at what's wrong. You can always look at what's messed up. You can always look at who's screwing you over. But you can always look at what's right. You can always look at what's good. You can always look at who's in your life. And again, that is living by choice, not by chance. So I think that was phenomenal, brother. Guys, thank you so much for tuning in. We'll see you guys on the next episode.