What to do when your ex makes you feel bad.

Hey, this is Frank Ortega and you're listening to the Single Dads podcast, a podcast for single dads by single dads. And on this podcast we don't got the answers to everything, but we're going to encourage you, hopefully give you a different perspective, just encourage you to be the best dad that you can be, that you already are and that you really want to be. And if you have not downloaded our Single Dads podcast app, make sure you do so so you can join the community and be a part of all the updates that we have. Alrighty guys, let's jump into the show. Hey guys, welcome back again for another episode at the. Of the. Oh, oh geez.

Edit that out for real, guys.

Welcome back to another episode of the Single Dads podcast. Jumping straight into it. We just kind of want to encourage everyone that if you haven't downloaded our app, go ahead and download it, man. We, we sent out like a reboot of it and this one is. It's a lot more user friendly and a lot more optimized for us to actually have community in there, hang out, talk about stuff that are going on. And so there's a lot of activity already going on in there in like the virtual support group we could call it.

Right, right, right.

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Yeah, that does. And you can attribute quite a few changes to Trevor Beat the out of Me, but I welcomed it, I loved it. And thank you very much, Trevor. Your input and insight and JB as well was, was fantastic because I did exactly what you said and made some changes. And for anyone else out there who has any recommendations, there's actually a recommendations forum that you can go in and say what you like, don't like, ask if the app can do this, if it can do that, and if it can, we'll make it happen. So moving forward.

Yeah. What we're going to chat about today, man, it's actually something that came up and it's, it's pretty much, man, for lack of better words, it's how do you silence when somebody's just talking smack about you and is in disagreement with what you're doing? Right. Is really what it is.

Yeah, it's it when, when your ex is. And just I guess Disapproves of, like, in fact, somebody. I won't say anyone's names, but if you have the app, you'll know who it is. But it was brought up in the general chat, and someone mentioned that their ex was not approving of what they were doing in their, their time, their, their spare time, the time that they have for them. And that was kind of a tough thing. And he reached out to the community and we figured, you know what? Let's talk about it.

Yeah, let's cover it a little bit.

And a couple people responded, and some people had some things to say, some people didn't. I've got a lot to say about it. I mean, first and foremost, I think that you have to not let guilt follow you based on, I mean, unless you're doing something that is inappropriate. And I mean to the point where, you know, you're, you would have to hide it from not just your ex, but just humans in general. I mean, if it's, if it's, if it's outside the lines of, you know, your, your morals or ethics or what you feel is okay, then who cares? I mean, I know it's easier said than done, but I mean, what do you, I mean, what are your thoughts on it? I, I, I would, personally wouldn't. I'm really trying to empathize because I have been in this situation with a previous relationship, and I kind of just threw my middle finger in the sky and said, I'm not doing anything that I'm not, you know, that I'm not supposed to be doing. Yeah. I'm not doing anything that I wouldn't like, I would hide from my friends. Yeah. Or even parents if they were around, to be honest. Maybe a couple of things, but, you know. Yeah, but, but nothing out, you know, not outside the lines. I mean, what are your thoughts?

I mean, it's tough. Here's where it gets tough. This is where, like, I believe that all the power is given to somebody's voice. People's words don't have power. We give those words power 100%. And it really is how we label somebody. If we label them as important, then we're going to take their criticism a lot harder than if they're unimportant.

Such a good point.

You know what I'm saying?

100%.

But it gets, it can get messy. Honestly, I don't think it's that messy because, but it can get messy when it comes down to co parenting because, well, that's the mother of my kids, so she's important. Well, she is important in that area, right? And so we got to learn how to, like, detach. She's the mother of my kids, and she's an important voice in my life and an important influence in my life.

Right?

And so when you can begin to hold kind of those two optional, like, truths and apply them, then you can say, hey, this person is important because they're. They are the mother of my kids. But also, their voice does not carry weight when it comes down to these things. And we can flip that identity in them, which will then take away the power. Right, but you also. I mean, like, I just got to be honest. You got to check yourself. If you are doing something that is gray, then ask yourself that question, right?

Yourself before you wreck yourself. Yeah. You know, but.

Well, and let me give one example, personal example, okay? Because I feel like I can speak to this because I was in a pretty freaking bad place. So I hadn't paid child support, and I don't know how many months, bro, like, eight. Eight plus. And it wasn't because I didn't want to. It was because I. I literally couldn't, like, bro, you've known my situation for the past, like, two years, right? And so you can, like, testify to that. At one point, I was literally living off of, like, $2,000 a month, if that, right? And I. I just could not make the payments. And there was things that were said to me that were, you know, borderline, like, I guess you could say inhumane. Like, dude, come on, how can you talk down to somebody like that right over And I get it. Child support, you got to do it. All that stuff, Trust me, I get it. But this is where I was at, which is why I was able to, like, take that power away. I knew my intentions, I knew where I was at, and I knew where I was going. And I knew that the goal was I am going to pay all. All of this, right? And I'm going to make it happen. And these people are going to eat their words. That's what I knew. So it didn't cripple me, because if it would have. If those words would have crippled me, then I would have probably never got to the point where I can actually pay that money, right? So next thing you know, I'm able to. And then I end up paying, like, $13,000. Boom. Right off the bat. I sent it all at one lump sum immediately to them. The voices got quiet, the. The smack talk stopped. You see what I'm saying? But it was for me. I took the Power away of their voice. Because all I thought was, you don't know what I'm going through. You don't care. It is not your job to know and it is not your job to care because you're my ex wife and I think most of the time we kind of mess up a little bit. We mess up by thinking that they're supposed to give a crap. It's. It's our ex wife, bro. She's not supposed to give a crap. But we think that they're supposed to treat us like they're our mom.

Well, the question is, are if the, you know, are the. When the tables are turned or are the tables turned? Are, are you caring about what she's doing in her time?

Yes. So. Yes. But it doesn't like you can care and not let it like make you spiral. You know what I'm saying?

It's a, it, it always has to be a two way street.

Well, let me put it this way. My ex is a boudoir photographer and she uploads pictures of herself doing that stuff. It's porn, bro. Like the, I've seen some of the pictures. It's nude, full, fully nude. There's just a little blur on like the nipples and then like the vagina is. I'm not going to promote that. I'm not going to promote that. But okay. Do you think like my lifestyle, you don't think I care about that? But I don't become unwound about it because I don't have a control. I don't have. I don't have control. I can't make her stop that. But I can communicate. Hey, I don't. Which I have. I don't think this is appropriate. I think there's going to be Google searches that our daughter does whenever she grows up and she's going to see things and it's going to bring up questions that unfortunately you're going to have to deal with. And I, I'm going to deal with them the way that I can. I'm going to tell her, hey, baby, this is not what we do. This is not a good representation of a woman of God. This is not a good representation as a mom, as just a lady who. You see what I'm saying? In my opinion.

I didn't know that that took place.

That's.

That's.

See how.

Because.

Well, but you see how.

But it's, it's a great point to bring up.

Yeah.

And it actually puts you in a position of like you, you, you can. If you ever Ever question what the hell I do, you know, because that, and that's what I was going to talk about is it has to be a two way street, you know, it's not, it's like you can't question me if I'm not questioning you.

Yeah, but that doesn't work because in a lot of situations the other co parent is just, they don't care. You know what I mean? They're like, like if I'm like, hey, if you're gonna question me, I'm gonna question you. You just, you literally just bought into chaos.

Yeah, let me rewind and take that statement back or retract that statement because I wasn't trying to make a. Well, if, like I, for an eye, it sounded like, well, if you can do it to me, I can do it to you. That's not where I was going.

Okay.

I was going where it's like more of a, an adult conversation. Like what is it about? Like, I guess first and foremost, how does he. How do you know? Or how does she know what you're doing and what is it that you're doing that is making her make you, making you feel bad about it? Like, I guess. Yeah, that's what I need to understand because I mean, is it, is it when. I mean, it's your time.

Yeah.

So unless you're, I guess, I guess unless you're open and telling her I'm doing this.

Yeah.

Then how would she know?

Yeah. And, or people, people telling. Or friends talking in social media. They see pictures.

I mean, I don't. At least the person that posted about it. I don't think he's posting anything on social media about it, but he, but generally speaking, just in situations like this, I mean it's, it's, it's very kind of case by case basis, you know, because.

Well, because sometimes it's stupid. Sometimes it's. My ex is dating someone already. Okay. Where's, where's the law that says how long it takes them to date? Yeah, you're so it could be. I don't agree with that.

Would you just call her your ex?

Yes. So it could be that small and that insignificant. Right. Where it's like, I can't believe she could be saying, I can't believe you're already going out on dates. That is inappropriate behavior. Or it could be something extreme. There's literally like this whole spectrum. Right. But I think exactly what you were saying to like your point. It really just matters like what is it making you feel? And we got to dig down to that, like, to the person that posted this, I would ask you, what's the story that you're writing in your head, that your head's writing about this? Is your, is your head telling you that you're a bad father because of it? Is, is your head telling you that you're a bad man, that you have bad integrity, bad character? What is that story, that narrative that's playing in your head after she says these things? And I want you to challenge those things and ask yourself, is this true? And I almost see it this way, bro. Like, we always have to lawyer up. And I don't mean practically. Sometimes, obviously you do have to lawyer up practically. But you got to lawyer up for yourself in your own head. Because whenever, like, these things start coming at you that you're a man of low integrity, you're a man of low character, there's these, these crazy stories and narratives being written in your head that's really creating your suffering. It's time for you to lawyer up and be like, what evidence do you have to prove that to yourself? Well, and then literally present evidence that proves your case. No. I am a good dad. I am doing the best that I can. I am focused on growing. I am focused on becoming, like, the best version of me for my kids and future partner. I am remorseful of anything that happened in the past. I am vulnerable. I am forgiving. I am letting go of resentment and stack that evidence. That's why I say lawyer up and stack that evidence to where you, you pretty much shut up. That BS story that's in your head. If that's what's happening now, if there's some truth to it, then we got to address that truth, you know?

Yeah, I, I, I guess when, I guess when, when you choose to share with your ex, like, you know, this is what, this is what I'm doing. You're still going through divorce proceedings, right? So there's, there's still that regardless, there's still emotions involved, right? It's like you, you've concluded that you're, it's, you're not going to get back. Things will never go back to the way they were. However, those emotions still exist. And as much as one can accept, like, hey, I'm not going to get back with you. But when they do conversate, you know, things and he chooses to share and, you know, because divorce proceedings are still going on, if he shared that he went on a date or went out with some friends and did something or.

Whatever, took his shirt off to Luke Bryan.

You know, so when she reacts in a way, that one, I guess, really just hurts. It cuts you because there's emotions there and you don't like seeing or feeling. Yeah. Like, you know, from someone that, you know, you once cared about dearly, you still care about.

Yeah.

You just know that you, you know, things have changed so much that you have to move, go your separate ways. Doesn't mean emotions aren't still there.

Yeah.

And I think that is the, the question is how do. Or what's the best way to deal with that feeling that you get when your ex, you know, slices you and dices you for. For something you chose to be open about? Yeah. And making you feel bad. And that's, that's, That's a tough situation to be in. It's. Yeah, it's when you really empathize with that situation. It's. It's like, you know, how do I deal with that?

Yeah.

It's not easy. And that's when, you know, that's why people reach out on, you know, to, to, to support groups and to other people to, to get, to get some advice, to get some. To get through that. That pain that, that what you're feeling. And, you know, it's. I don't think there's a simple answer because we all, you know, all our. We all work differently, think differently, and react differently to certain emotions. But at the end of the day, I think you just have to accept that no matter what is said, I mean, when you choose to share something with them and you know how they're going to react to some extent, learn. Learn from that. So moving forward, I'm not saying lie, but don't be as forthcoming.

Yeah.

And maybe then, you know, you won't have to feel such, you know, guilt or whatever it is that you're feeling. You know, just having to feel bad about what you did because you opted to not be forthcoming. But, you know, if it's, if again, if it's, if it's not outside the lines, then. And it's, and it's really just, you know, bringing up, you know, past emotions that, that, that come back into play.

Yeah.

And I think that might be what the case is a lot of the times, no matter who it is. Oh, yeah. So just, you know, don't allow that to happen. I guess I mean by. If, you know, it's kind of like identifying an issue. I. I identify what's causing this problem.

Yeah.

So if I, If I just to choose not to be as open, but.

That'S surface level Bro.

Because it is surface level.

It's like, you're still like, this is. This is personally what I would encourage. This is personally. And it's because it's the route that I took. It's the route of most resistance, but it's the route of most growth and improvement. And this is the same route all my clients have to go through.

Do tell.

Feelings are feelings, and we're always gonna feel them, and they're gonna be insane, dude. And if we always do whatever we can to avoid the feeling, we will never grow in that area. Right. So let me give you, Let me give just a good, practical example. Training Muay Thai, the more I got kicked in the leg, the more I could take so that whenever I fought, I could take leg kicks and not be shattered in one round. It's called leg conditioning. But if I never did leg conditioning because it sucked, then I would get blown through in the first round with leg kicks. Right. So it's going into the pain strategically so that you can overcome it. And now what happens is you can bear much more pain and it doesn't shatter you. You become more unshakable. So I would say if you're, if you're feeling like, deep emotion because of this, allow yourself to actually feel it and actually identify what's happening. Because you being truthful did not cause this. If you being truthful.

That's the thing. And I don't mean to interrupt, but the thing is, is your analogy works in some, to some extent, but because it's not just you, not just your emotions, it's what's causing the emotions that, that are cutting him to the core are the other person's emotions. Seeing the reaction of the emotions of someone. Yeah. That you care for.

Okay, I see, I see what you're saying.

So, so I'm to, To prevent. To prevent that is what I'm saying is try not. Just try not to cause.

Rock the ship too much.

Exactly. By, by not sharing something that's going to cause.

Yeah.

Emotions for your ex. Because that's what's triggering the reaction.

Got it.

What's cutting you to the core? Her reaction to what you've told her.

Got it. Okay. So I, I, I kind of agree with that, but I think, I think the deeper work in this is. Brother, I want to encourage you, if you're listening to this right now, to be honest with yourself and assess what kind of relationship do I want with my ex? Because if you still want that relationship where there is that emotional connection, where you're still Kind of like taking care of them. And that.

That.

That. That's a very honorable thing. It's gonna be very hard, though, because now you're in charge of somebody else's emotions. And like, let's just fast forward to a year. You're dating someone. Do you still want to be responsible for your ex's emotions and your current woman's emotions? Like, well, to me, that's a very. You see what I'm saying? So you just got to be on and everything's in seasons. So if you're like, that's what I'm gonna say.

What you said, you kind of hit the nail on the head.

Yeah.

When you said, fast forward a year from now, and by saying that, you're saying that in time that this won't be the case.

Well, it won't be in time because everybody says that. Everybody says that in time, but we know people that are two years down the road and they're in the same place, which is why this lie that it just takes time is BS it does not just take time. It actually takes intentionality. And so if you can say for yourself, like, hey, for the next. Like, until the divorce is over and maybe six months after, I'm going to commit to this type of relationship with this person. And then in six months, you don't have to cut that off, Reassess and ask yourself this question. Is this still bringing peace and life to me? If it's not, I think it's time to reassess what I want out of this dynamic now.

Yeah. I mean, it comes down to having a conversation if. If you can get to the point of co parenting where you can conversate with your ex.

Yeah.

And just under, you know, create an understanding. What. What. What's crossing the line and what's not.

Yeah.

And what. What. What do you. What can you actually hear about and not get angry or sad or frustrated and just, you know, realize that for yourself.

Yeah.

And observe that with your ex.

That's what I was gonna say.

Even if they want. Because some. Sometimes they may say, oh, yeah, you can tell me that stuff.

Yeah.

But they. But they can't hear it without reacting in a certain way.

And then at that point, somebody else is responsible for your happiness and your peace. So, yeah, I don't think that I don't want to live that way, but I think it's a process.

You know, try to have a conversation. And, you know, sometimes people will say things that, yeah, I can handle it, but they can't handle it. Right.

But I admire you, though. You tried. And then now you're like, ah, but.

I think, you know, most intuitive, intelligent people can observe and sit and realize, like, okay, now I know what's crossing the line and moving forward. I'm just not going to cross the line with what I'm forthcoming about. Right. And I think maybe that's a surface and a for now solution, but it's a solution that's going to work and prevent feeling like after, you know, because you told your ex something and you know, you're still going through divorce proceedings and, you know, it's just, it's that just a little, a little early for, for some, for some information. Yeah.

And I really want to encourage you though, bro, to figure out what the heck is causing it. Because if, if what's causing it is, for example, like she feels like you don't care about her anymore, and so she's hurt by that and all this different stuff and, and you want her to know that I'm not. Because most people really are suffering comes from. I literally got off the call, like, I think it was Saturday with a dude who. He was just. He knew that this dynamic, this relationship was extremely hurtful on both ends. He was like, this is not the person I want to be. Not even a little bit. I know that. But for some reason I keep going back. So then after asking some questions, we've quickly. For some reason, yeah, we, we quickly found out that the, the model that he created to like, receive love in his life when he was a kid was to not be a problem for someone. He said that his older brother and his younger sister were always having problems, so he wanted to not be a problem so that his parents wouldn't stress and hurt and then he could. And he was like, I didn't even know I did that until this call. He was like, I'm just now seeing it. And I told him, I was like, so now what you're doing is your same model with this current woman. She's telling you you're a bad guy. She's saying you're narcissistic, you're. This, you're a problem. And you keep going back. Not because you want to go back, but you keep going back because you cannot be a problem. That is the, that is the model that you work through. And that's for most men. I don't want this person to think I'm a bad guy. So I got to clear my name and then I can move on to the next chapter.

Yep.

So if there's any underly of that, then that's where you need to really assess. Am I a bad guy? More than likely you're not. And then comes the, the other part. If, if you really do want this person to know that you care for them, that you want to be there for them, then just recognize that everything in life, every problem, relationally, is emotional. That's it. It's never practical. It's not really what you did. It's the emotion that's. That's being created by that. And with you knowing and you asking her questions like, hey, I know I did this. I genuinely want to know why it bothered you so much. You don't have to agree with it, but just listen to them. And you can agree with the pain, right? You can agree with the regret of the pain that I caused, but not agree with, like, the story that they wrote about it that more than likely is not true. So you can say, like, I'm so sorry that I made you feel that way. I should have known better and I shouldn't have caused that pain, whatever it is that you want to say in that moment.

But.

But at the same time, you can be in disagreement at the same time and be like, but that isn't really what I actually intended because now they just kind of, like, interpreted it their own way. But at least you're making yourself available to listen. And that is going to then show that person that you care about them. So maybe that'll help if that's the dynamic that you're. Again, I don't know what dynamic you're going after, because one dynamic could be flip the identity like I did to where you're like, hey, not really my problem. I know what I'm doing. I know my intentions. I know where I'm headed. I know exactly all this. Hey, I can't really control you. That's my dynamic currently. But if I'm trying to have, like, an emotional relationship, I mean, it's, it's. It's a little bit more difficult. But that's just another relationship that you got to put in some effort into now. So hopefully that stuff helps. A messy one.

Yeah. I mean, you know, talking about this, that one particular situation, I'm kind of trying to talk generally speaking, because I know there's not just one person out there with. With this type of issue. Yeah, but, you know, the. There, there's also. I saw something else in the chat about, you know, someone again, like, knowing that things are over, but, you know, still trying to hold on to something that that isn't there. And that's just the worst. It's the worst feeling in the world. And you literally are doing it to yourself.

Yeah.

You know, and there's just no. No ifs, ands or buts about it. When you, when it has made. Been made clear, things are over and, you know, custody has been settled. Settled and all that. And it's, it's a done deal. And I just, I think people, I feel for people that, that, that try to hang on to. To things that they're, they're just gone because it's. It. You're creating.

It's emotional suicide, for lack of better terms.

That's very, very well put. But.

And hearing that, I hope somebody like, listens to that. And they don't see that as like some shaming statement, but they see it more as empowering. Because if you're the, you're. If you're the one causing your suffering, guess what? You're the one that can bring this resolution to it too. If you are constantly choosing that, you can make a different choice. And I know that we like, bro, I overthink things so much. And then when I have a clear head, I'm like, wow, it was so simple. It was just emotional. That's all it was. The blur came from emotions. And then when you recognize that and you start learning how to get yourself into a good, powerful emotional state where you can make clear decisions. That's why working out is so good. It puts you in a powerful emotional state where then your head is clear and now you're not operating at a survival mode and you can think things more clearly. That's why you're more unbothered. That's why it's, you're more just like, I'll deal with it later. That's. That's. It's going to work itself out. Have you noticed that only thing that changed was your emotional state?

It's interesting because it, I don't know, do you feel sometimes that it's easier to provide somebody with insight, maybe advice?

Yes. You don't have to finish it, but apply it yourself.

But.

So, yes.

And, and because I, because I'm, you know, in my mid-40s, you know, I've been, I've been around a lot longer than you. So like, I, I literally remember when, like, I thought I had, you know, this perfectly lubricated machine going on. And in hindsight, like, I, I could have walked in and just beat the. Out of myself. Like, dude, you don't know what you're doing. You're not doing this right. You're not doing that right. Yeah. And because of, like, that big example in my life moving forward, I've been. I have been able to think about when I'm having an issue and I'm having a problem, I'll stop and I'll think, like, if somebody came to me with this issue, how would I advise them and think about it like that? To myself.

Yeah.

And when you can train your brain to do that, it's not easy. It takes time and. Yeah, it's. You know, I guess it's called wisdom.

Yeah.

And I. I've been able to, you know, I. Doesn't mean you don't have problems exactly.

A lot of people think.

But it. It certainly does allow you to apply things in a much more realistic way. And you have to be really good at empathizing because you then have to, you know, apply it to yourself. And, you know, it's just like, you know, for me, I. You know, I love constructive criticism. In fact, I don't even care if it's constructive. Yeah. Criticize. I like to be criticized, which is very weird for someone to say, but I. I literally do. I mean, if you do it in a. In a realish way, then, you know, so be it.

They're gonna get an asshole. Ish response.

Not for me. I'll. I'll listen and. And I'll take it with a grain. You know, I'll listen to it and I'll say, you know, does this person have a point, or is it coming from just a bad place? Like they're angry or they're frustrated. They don't like me or something.

Yeah.

You know, with a grain of salt or, you know, but most. Most of the time, people will, you know, tell you how they feel when they realize that it will change something. Yeah. And. Or they're just saying it because they're. Yeah, but, but. But for people that will provide something that. That you welcome.

Yeah.

And because they actually want to see a change in something, you know, that that's what I love, because that's why.

I do what I do.

We all want to improve, Right?

Exactly.

And I wish everyone thought like that. I wish everyone was open to being criticized and open to taking. Yeah.

It's ultimately is. That's what it is. Open to growth.

Exactly.

And change. It's ultimately what it is.

Yeah.

I was listening to one of my spiritual fathers, I like to call them Tony Robbins, and he was talking about how if you want to be a great leader, you got to learn to lead yourself. And bro, this is why. This is literally why I do what I do. And that's it. Like, think about this, bro. I could go off and I could start a, a business coaching like thing or another coaching thing. But I coach specifically on what? Divorce, recovery. That's. That's it. And then I coach specifically on how to become unbothered by a co parent. Specifically. Those are my areas of quote unquote expertise. Why? Because that's literally what I've walked through. And now I have hundreds of testimonials, hundreds on hundreds now of people that have achieved the exact same result. And it's so true. Whenever you give something, it's, it's harder to apply it. But I believe that that's the only reason why I've been able to do it successfully is because I've applied it in my own life, in. In own areas in my life. I've applied it to different relationships in my life. That's why I genuinely do not hold grudges with people. Like, I'm not resentful towards and anybody like, at all. I'm just like, oh, yeah, this person. Yeah, that's what, yeah, this. Like, you've heard me before, bro. My, my cousins will say it, my brothers, the people closest to me, they'll say it like. And it's because when you lead yourself in an area, you then naturally become qualified to lead somebody else. And there is no certificate for that. There is no degree for that. And there is no needing to tell people about it. They see it, they see, they see it in you. And if somebody is criticizing you, this is just a good rule of thumb, man. Look at the area they're criticizing you in and then ask, are they in the place I want to be in, in that area? If they're not, you got to listen to it. There is no power there. They literally just showed you that they have no power in that. If somebody comes and tries to tell me about business, but then I have this other buddy who's making millions and millions and millions and he's telling me something that opposes that, guess who I'm going to listen to? The person that is making millions as opposed to somebody who's not. Because this is the result where I want to be. And so I'm going to literally follow the proven blueprint. It's like, I'm not going to ask my cousin who does construction how to do apps. He's not there yet. He hasn't been there, hasn't done that yet. So we got to be Willing to lead ourselves, most importantly, because, man, I just, I want to be able to lead my daughter well, bro, like that. That is why I think I'm so intense on myself. And I'm constantly learning and trying to grow in these different areas in my life. Like, I started off with divorce recovery coaching. I'm going to add co parenting coaching now because I feel like I've gotten to a point where I'm actually helping people through it. And there's accountability in that area because anyone who's in my coaching group, they see the text messages like, I don't hold anything back. I'm like, look at the actual conversation. This is how I handle it, why I handled it. This is the reward it brought, right? But it's because I've been challenging myself to grow. So if you invest into your own growth, if you dig deep into yourself, you add more value to you. Not just as a leader, but as a parent, as a man, as a woman, whatever it is, as a friend. And then that just, that just solidifies to you. Almost like when stuff like that gets said to you, you know, I'm not a bad guy. I'm not trying to do something bad right now. I don't have bad intentions in that area. And I have all this evidence to like, prove it. And so it helps you not really wear those words heavily. Does that make sense?

To some extent, yes. When you say I have all this evidence to prove it, what are you referring to?

I'm talking about the example that I used earlier about us having to loyal lawyer up emotionally, which means, bro, our brain is wired to fight against us. It's literally wired that way. So when somebody says something that might mean that you're a bad guy, right? You, you, you flip it in your. Your brain's like, see? And it starts throwing all these stories at you, which is why so many people, we take things personally when it was never personal, but we took it. Why? It's not just because you're insecure. That's not it. It's because your brain is wired to work against you. So what I'm saying is the evidence, you need to present that to yourself in your own brain to shut your brain down to win that court case of, hey, I'm not this and I have evidence to prove it. And that's for us to find out your intentions. Man, I know I'm loyal. I have evidence from this and this and this and that. Whatever it is, man, I know I'm caring and giving. I. I did this and I didn't expect anything. And then this person screwed me over, but I still kept giving. So I have ev. You see what I'm saying? You're collecting your evidence.

I guess, I guess it depends, like, who you are, what you do. And you're someone that puts themselves out there for, you know, hundreds of thousands of people to potentially comment on something you do, something you say. So you're constantly being judged by people you don't know and people that you don't know, how they think.

And close family members.

Well, I, I think that is true for everyone who has them.

Yep.

So. But it, but it's completely different, you know, having close family members judge you and having a bunch of people you don't know judge you. And I think we spoke about this a couple episodes ago about, you know, allowing, like, negativity from people you don't even know to get to you, who are, who literally have the time to say, you suck. But I listen to you.

I'm gonna watch five of your other videos anyways and comment on those.

It's, it's, it's, it's interesting. It's an interesting dynamic. But, you know, I, I personally don't have myself out there enough to get criticized too badly outside of, you know, what I say on this show. And, you know, I'm sure some people have said some stuff. I don't know if I've seen it sometimes. I, I have seen a few things, but for the most part, we're, we're trying to be positive influencers on here. We're not, we're not telling people they suck. We're not telling people that, you know, to go do bad things. People listen to us because they're looking for positive progression and, and positive ways to move forward and, and hopefully solutions, and hopefully we offer that to them. But, you know, at the end of the day, it's just, it's, it's, it's different when you have your, your close friends or people that you know well and care about that, you know, offer their opinions, and then people you don't know who are just listening to you on social media and you're out there a heck of a lot more so than me and a lot of people. And, you know, so you know, how, how you handle that is a lot different. And a lot of people don't really even understand that.

Yeah.

But, you know, that's what. I'm not even going down that rabbit hole. I was going to bring up, like, that's what this new generation is like.

Like, they're they're going to be dealing with.

Yeah, yeah, that's a whole nother.

It's very true, dude. I literally had one of my clients, she was so sweet. She sent me a message on Slack. It was after I posted some video, and it was about, like, narcissist. And this is. This is what I believe, man. I don't believe that narcissists are bad people. I believe they're hurt people doing bad things. That's what I believe. Because I don't think anybody is just naturally bad. I think they're hurt, and that led them to bad actions, but that's not justifying what they've done. Okay? And so I posted that and, oh, I can say.

I can see a lot of people not agreeing with that statement.

And some lady. Dude, it was so funny. Some lady was like, no, they do bad things. And I was like, rewatch my video. Literally what I said, they're not bad people. They're hurt people that do bad things. I was like, you just said what? I said, they do bad things. And so anyways, they were trying to, like, tear me apart in the comments, but luckily, I have all my. I call them all my conquerors. Right. My followers that just shredded these people.

It sounded on the surface like you're defending narcissists.

Yep. Which is why I got called a narcissist on that video.

You know, and there's a lot of, you know, people that have been hurt by narcissist men and vice versa. A lot of men that have been hurt by narcissist women. You don't hear as much about that. Yeah, just like you don't hear as much about single dads, which is why we started this podcast. Yeah, but. But yeah, it's interesting. Like, people. People don't even, like, they've been hurt by narcissists. And they hear anything that might, you know, just an inkling, sounds like you're defending them. Boom. Oh, you're getting. You're gonna get railroaded.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, dude.

Yeah, it doesn't matter if you're right, wrong, whatever it.

You're.

You're right to someone, you're wrong to somebody else, and they're gonna let you have it. But she messaged me and she was like, hey, Coach, just want to check on chicken on you. I've been looking at all the comments, and I'm just wondering how you're doing.

I was like.

And I was like, that's so sweet. What's funny is the weekend before, I had just taught on being indifferent with other people, what they say about you and how we can become unshakable. And I told her. I was like, if I'm being honest, like, I'm completely unbothered by it. And then I told her why. And it's just the way that I view the world, right? I view the world just like you do. Somebody takes the time to do that, it's because they're desperately hurting. It's not personal. They don't know me. They don't know my story. They don't know my background. They have no idea what the hell I've been through. They don't know the fights that I've gone through. They don't know the emotional turmoil. They don't know the suicidal thoughts that I've had to defeat. They don't know any of that. But I know that. I know that. So I take the weight off of their words and I throw it out. Most people, most would have been like, oh, shoot, I got to delete that video. This is bad for my brand. I was like, no, this is going to show my brand even more, that I'm. I don't believe what everybody believes. I believe the best in every single human. I really genuinely do, because that's what I was put on this earth to do. I'm not supposed to be blind and say, hey, that's not bad. I, I call it as it is. That is a bad action. But I look at the root, what caused the bad action More than likely very deep hurt. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, absolutely.

So, yeah, we can learn to become unbothered. But obviously, like, it takes work. It does not take time. It takes time and resistance. Like time under tension. Is that what they call it? Right. And working out, that's what it takes, not just time. So if you, if you think that in three years, you're just not going to stop caring, there's lots of evidence out there.

Care differently. Yeah, they'll always care.

Yeah.

Just care differently.

It's true.

And about different things.

Yeah, I could, I, I can agree with that, actually, bro. It's very true. Like, I still care about, like, my ex wife, sure. And to some degree, I still care what she thinks. But to most of the degree, I don't because I just don't get anything out of that man. There's like, here's a good, actual, very simple solution that's not even a solution. It is a practice that will eventually take you to the solution that you want. Ask why. Why do I care? So Much. And then whatever comes to mind, acknowledge it and then ask another why. Ask about three to five whys and it'll start leading you to the actual root. Why do I care so much, man? Because she thinks I'm a bad guy. Well, why do I care if she thinks I'm a bad guy or am I a bad guy? And then you just start, see, digging and digging and digging until you can uproot it.

I don't disagree with that, but I think there's a line you have to be aware of that you don't want to cross. And it's becoming overly analytic or over. Like. Like. Yeah, overly analytic about, like, why, why, why?

Yeah, that's true. There's very bad why questions. That's true. I mean, I hear what you're saying.

You can go overboard with it.

Like, why is this happening to me?

Yeah. I mean, so it does nothing for you. I mean, I agree with what you're saying, but just, just, just to clarify, like, you know, just be aware that you're looking for. You're looking for the root cause of something. Not. Don't. Don't let those whys kind of get out of that lane.

Get smart. Exactly. Ask smart why questions like, why do I care so much? I think that's a good why to start at. Why does this hurt me so much? I think that's a good why to start at. But why is this happening to me? That can still be a good why. Unless you just keep asking that why? Because it could be. Well, you know, because there was this area that we needed to really work in. Maybe I settled in this area. Maybe I gave up in this area. Maybe this is an area that I betrayed within myself. And that stuff can start coming up. But Scott is very right. We can get ourselves caught into why me? Why me? Why me? And then you're just spiraling. And at the end of the day, you are only your past if you live there. So how long are you willing to stay there asking questions about it and before it's time to, like, get the answers.

Say that again and move on.

You are only your past if you live in it.

Thank you. I hope that one statement. What's the word I'm looking for? Clicks. Yeah. Triggers. Just. It's a good statement to let, absorb and take with you today. Yeah.

Well, our buddy Jonathan, I'm in his discord for, like, NFTs, and he just sent out a message. I think it was today, maybe yesterday, but he was like, don't live 75 years of the Same year, over and over again and call it a life. I think that's for some of us. Let's not live the same days over and over and over again and call it a week. Like, let's stop living in our past. We're not there no more. We're not there. We're here right now. Let's stop making things worse than they really are. Let's see them as it is and better than they are, and let's start moving forward in that way. And yes, it does take practice, but if we keep living in the past, then we're going to experience our past every single day. And next thing you know, you're living the same day you did two years ago. And that's. That's a pretty scary place to be.

It is. Very much so. And I like that. Don't live 75 years, but, like, shorten it. Don't. Don't do it. Don't live every. In a week, a month. Yeah. So. Well, man.

Ended off on a pretty. Pretty deep note, I feel like.

Yeah, he went off on a couple tangents. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Exactly.

It's our show. We can do it the heck we want. All right, guys, thank you all for tuning in. Hopefully this episode blessed you, man. Remember, download the podcast app, jump in there, be a part of the community, and make friends with some of these other single dads. It's really cool, the feature in there where you can map and see where everyone's at. So if someone's in, like, around your hometown, you can actually start, like, hanging out with them and get with people that have, like, the same vision, same mission, too.

And the more people, it's. It's a hundred percent free, so just download it. It's a community we're trying to build. Build the community. And the more people that are in it, more single dads that are in it, the more effective it becomes because the more people are there to, you know, join the support group. Check it out. It's Monday nights, 9 o'. Clock, and yeah, anybody that has created a profile, and of course everyone that is a donor will get an email with a link to the support group every Monday.

And if you're a lady here, because I get a lot. I get these questions quite often. And you're asking if we're doing stuff like this for women. We are currently not. I don't think we will because there's so many. There's already so many incredible resources for single mothers. There has been for years. And if. If I'm being honest, I think our focus is single dads and to add onto that would only take away from that. Yeah. And we wouldn't be as optimal. So it's nothing personal. Obviously we love single moms. We've talked about them on here. Celebrate them. I know a lot of great single moms and most of them are actually clients as well, so. But this app is specifically for single dads. Trust me, there is no trashing baby mamas on there, which is awesome. There is just genuine support and working through stuff. So that's for any single moms that are listening right now that keep messaging asking if we're doing anything, releasing anything for single moms. We will not be.