What's it like to be your kid?

Hey, this is Frank Ortega, and you're listening to the Single Dads podcast, a podcast for single dads by single dads. And on this podcast, we don't got the answers to everything, but we're going to encourage you, hopefully give you a different perspective, just encourage you to be the best dad that you can be, that you already are and that you really want to be. And if you have not downloaded our Single Dads podcast app, make sure you do so. So you can join the community and be a part of all the updates that we have. Alrighty, guys, let's jump into the show. All right, guys, welcome back to the show, man.

What's up, everyone?

Hope you guys are having a phenomenal, phenomenal day, and hopefully you have an incredible week, since this is the beginning of the week. And to all the girl dads, man, yesterday was National Daughter's Day.

Congrats. Congrats. I wasn't aware of that.

Yeah, yeah, yesterday was it, man. I. I actually posted a video on actually both the Single Dad's podcast page on Instagram, and my page kind of added a collaboration so you could see it on both. But I. I had texted Ariana because I was like, hey, man, National Daughter's Day. My ex. I was like, today's National Daughter's Day. Kind of want to talk to my little girl for National Daughter's Day.

Yeah.

And just kind of like, you know, love on her a little bit.

Did your daughter know it was National Daughter's Day?

I don't know. I mean, if her mom celebrated her, then she did. If not, then no.

Did you get to talk to her?

No. So that. That's. That's what I made a video about. And like, I know, I know for some of us it might be difficult sometimes because we have those experiences, right, where, like, bro, I. I literally sent out the message and because we communicate through an app. So it showed her go online, read the message, and then it showed her go offline. So she never even responded to it.

What a dick.

And I was. I was a little, you know, PO'd, obviously, because who wouldn't be, right? And, you know, I took a little moment to, like, actually allow myself to feel what I was feeling, because I was pretty hurt by it.

Right.

Just like any dad right now that probably went through. I know I had some comments of dudes saying, same thing happened to me today and all that stuff. But what I liked about it was after I went through that little experience, like a little five minute, just emotional experience of that hurt that I was Going through. I was like, okay, so what can I do? What can I control? And so I had an idea, bro. And so tomorrow, which is the day that I get her, I'm gonna go have lunch with her at school. Actually, I'm gonna pull her out during lunch early from school.

Create your own.

Yes.

National Daughter's Day.

Exactly.

She probably has no clue. Exactly, exactly.

And that's what I was sharing on the video. I was like, dude, the same thing that caused me so much, like, frustration and. And made me so mad and hurt me is now creating excitement inside of me because I can't wait for Tuesday. And I'm planning Tuesday, like, specifically for that. And, dude, that's the thing. Like, I know we make this huge deal about days. Like, if it's not that day in time, it doesn't count, bro. Yes, it does. Yes, it does.

It's a super, super valid point, and I'm glad you bring that up, because a lot of people do take. Tend to focus on, you know, a specific day, and at the end of any day, you can make you.

You.

You can create your own celebration like you're doing with the goose, right?

Yeah.

So I'm glad you brought that up. And. And hopefully some people will pick up on that and do the same thing.

Yeah, I hope so, too, man. I hope so, too. I hope. I hope you, instead of getting so fixated on the problem, it's like, acknowledge the problem, but then focus on a solution and ask, you know, what can I do? How can I make this awesome still for. For my little girl? Right? Because, you know, at the end of the day, she's not going to be like, oh, yeah, I remember this National. I remember, you know, September 25th, my dad, this.

Right.

No, no, she's just going to be like, I remember when me and my dad did this and he this and whatever. Right? And so it's all about the moments, man. Not about the. The stamp date. And so I just kind of wanted to bring that up because I know that that's something that a lot of people unfortunately have to go through. But the thing is, bro, like, life. Life isn't fair, dude. Like, and I'm sure everybody knows this, but it was. I don't think it was ever meant to be fair. I think it was meant, like, life is supposed to be Problem. Problematic.

Problematic. Yeah.

Because problems produce, like, strength and wisdom and growth.

Yeah, you're exactly right, man. And a lot of people tend to forget. It's kind of like we take so many things for granted.

Yeah.

Just Naturally. And it sucks. But sometimes we have to take a step back and think about all the things, you know, like, like just I, like I used to, I used to pray a lot. And I know I don't talk a lot about religion and my faith or anything like that, just because it's a, a choice that I've made, but I used to pray a lot because I felt that I, because I felt bad about taking so much for granted. Like, like, if you think about people that are locked up or incarcerated. Right. Yeah. And then you think about, you know, and I'd be like, thank you, God, that I have two legs, two arms, ten fingers, ten toes. Yeah. And the ability to, to go where I want every day. Thank you that I have a car. Thank you that I have a home. Thank you that, you know I have freedom. Thank you. You know, just the basic stuff. Yeah. That we don't think about every day.

Exactly, bro.

But back point, it's like the things that, like if, if, if they, if things were easy all the time. Yeah. Then we wouldn't, we wouldn't understand. It would make sense. Yeah. Like if we didn't know sadness, then we wouldn't know happiness.

Yeah, exactly.

If we didn't know problems.

Yeah.

Then we wouldn't know solutions.

If we didn't know Dak Prescott, we wouldn't know Tom Brady. We wouldn't appreciate a goat like that.

But, you know, that's true. That's the thing. It's like, if you don't know the bottom, you don't know the top. Yeah, right.

Exactly.

So it's just the point is those, those are the things that we don't think about all the time. And, and that's just exactly the point you're making, I think. Yeah.

No, literally, it's like at the end of the day, if we can get to a place where problems are going to be here and they're here to stay, it's almost comforting because then you can now start making the choice of, okay, how can I start to become more of an overcomer? How can I be, start to become more of a conqueror? Right. And, and conquer these things? Because, bro, life's going to hit and challenge challenges.

Right. Yeah, we're, we are, we're met, daily.

Wired, and we're wired to be challenged.

Yeah. Like, I, I don't like all challenges. I would be lying if I said absolutely.

Yeah.

But I like to be challenged. Yeah. If that makes sense. Yeah. And without it, I don't get that. I, I, I, I will, I would not get that feeling of accomplishment that I so much.

Like that drives you, too.

Yeah.

And it's like that spike.

If I. Yeah, that's like the hit of dopamine I want is accomplishment.

Yeah.

Like, I set out goals for. For my week, and I've got a busy, busy week.

Yeah.

And if I. And. But I. They're all realistic and they're all achievable.

Yeah.

And I plan on, you know, hitting every single one. And when I do, then I know what I will have accomplished and it will have progressed me, you know, this much further in what. What I'm doing or for my business, for my personal. For my son and getting him prepared for his driving test and just all the things going on in my life right now. Yeah. And so, like, each day, every hour of every day counts.

Yeah. And the nice thing, too, about that, bro, is that the best feeling, and I know you can agree with me on this, is when you set a goal and there's so much pushback that eventually when you finally hit it, you're like, hell, yeah. Hey, bro, I was listening to a podcast with Ed Mylett and Eric Thomas, et the Hip Hop Preacher. Have you seen him?

Yeah, you showed me. Yeah.

Yeah. So, dude, he used a brilliant analogy. So he's a Lions fan. And I think Barry Sanders was with. Yeah, yeah, right.

That's running back, dude.

So he was like, the reason why I loved Barry Sanders is because there was defense. It meant that there was nine other dudes on the field that were trying to stop him but couldn't.

Yeah.

He was like, life without definition. Defense sucks. It's not entertaining. If there's nothing trying to hold you back to stop you, then it'd be like, here, I'm just going to give you the ball and just run. Would you watch that? No. You'd be like, you're just going to get to the touchdown and then do it again. And then do it again and do it again.

No, the irony is. And I was just talking about this yesterday with Randy because I don't know if you've watched football, but, like, every single game was a low scoring game. Yes. It was all defensive, like, defense one. It's like whoever's defense, whoever, Whatever team's defense played the best.

Yeah.

They won the game because offense couldn't do yesterday. It was crazy.

Dang. Every single game was like that.

Yeah.

You just said it was crazy. So it was probably really entertaining, wasn't it?

It was. It was just different.

Yeah.

You don't see that. Like, I wish I Would have called the bookie yesterday. Thrown in some ways, or maybe I don't, because I would.

Well, it's kind of like. It's like soccer, right? You. You see. Have you ever watched a soccer match?

Have I ever watched a soccer match?

Yeah, like, of course.

Like, on tv, My entire life.

Oh, well, see? Yeah. There you go.

I've been to Man United games live, dude. Yeah.

So think about this, and you've probably been to a Mavericks game, haven't you?

Many.

Okay. So in basketball, the dynamic is way different than soccer. Obviously, in basketball, people score maybe 50 baskets a game, right? Like, teams on average, roughly. And so when somebody in the Mavericks, unless it's like crunch time, say it's first quarter and they score a basket, and then the next team score a basket, it's not like you get freaking wild after every single basketball because of how the defense is. It's just. The game's wired that way. There's so much scoring. But in soccer, bro, it is so hard to get a freaking goal that as soon as somebody makes a goal, the stadium erupts and it goes wild. And it's all because the intensity of the obstacles that you have to go against to finally score make it that much more exciting, that much more fulfilling.

That. And soccer fans are literally the most intense hardcore fans worldwide.

It's very true.

Period.

Very true.

And I don't know if. I don't know if you've heard of welcome to Wrexham, but you know who Ryan Reynolds is, right?

Oh, yeah.

So he and another, like, a TV actor. Not like a. You know, he's colossal. Ryan Reynolds. He's done so. He's been so successful in so many different areas, not just as a movie star, but. Yeah, I think he had a tequila. He's done. He's done a lot of stuff.

Yeah, I think it was gin. Aviator gin.

He's. He. He has made a ton of money. So he and this. This other guy. Rob. Rob. Anyway, he and another guy. He's a TV actor. Not as well known, but he is now. They decided to buy. You know, in. In soccer, there's. There's like five leagues. The premier, like, at the top, and then all the way down to the shitty league. Right?

Yeah.

And they bought the worst team in the bottom league, but the. And then they. They made a. Like a documentary series about the whole. Like, them buying it and then investing in it. And the cool thing about it is, like, the. The stadium, like this. This town. It's in Wales, England. Right. Middle of freaking nowhere, literally. It's just a tiny little English town. And that stadium is literally the oldest, international, oldest stadium in the entire world and 125 years old. So they've. They've had doing their whole goals, like the whole town. They're. They have nothing to live for except a soccer team or football team, as they call it. Yeah. Right. So now they bought it and. And it's. It's a show. I highly recommend you watch it. It's. Even if you're not a soccer fan, it's so freaking fascinating to see, like.

The transition of everything.

Well, that. And the. And the people, like, the half the town volunteers.

Wow.

To keep the. Like, they raised like. And it's a poor town, but they raised like, $125,000. This was prior to Ryan Reynolds and Buddy buying them, but the town, like, raised 125 grand just to keep the stadium going and not keep the team. Somebody was trying to buy it and turn it into, like, apartments or whatever. It' just. Just an insane. I'm sorry to get off topic, but I get excited about stuff like that. But. But, yeah, back on topic.

What, what, what?

What? What. What were we going to really talk about today?

What we were really going to talk about is what. What's it like to be your kid? Like, that perspective.

So. Yeah.

Which we didn't even mention.

Frank and I are. Frank and I are doing something a little different. In fact, we're doing a lot of things different. You guys will soon learn. But as far as far as.

That's right there.

What's that?

That's the sound of my Starbucks.

I'd have to burp for you.

This is. I got no shame in it, but this is a pumpkin spice cold brew.

Oh, very seasonal of you.

It's very basic of me, and I'm not ashamed of it, bro. This thing is delicious.

Don't be asham.

Sorry, go ahead. No, but it's doing a lot of things differently.

It's doing a lot of. Well, no, we were talking about, like, being our. Our kids. Like.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You touched base with me last night and you're like, I have a really good idea, and let's go straight to the studio and just talk, you know, talk about it. And we haven't even touched on it yet. Yeah, see, that's a problem because normally Frank and I get to the studio and we sit down and we. For about an hour and we. And then we said, man, we should have. Actually should have been recording. We should have been recording.

Yeah.

So that's what we tried. And so you guys got a glimpse of it now. Vicious. Sorry about that. But what we really wanted to talk about was like putting like, have you guys ever put yourselves, like, really, like, talk. This is like empathy times 10.

Yeah.

Like really putting yourself or trying to put yourself in your kids shoes. And, and like so much so, like thinking about what, you know, daughter or son or both. What do you think they feel when they see you and your ex, you know, talking or arguing or what do you think they feel when they come home from school with bad news or good news or, you know.

Yeah. Or no news, and they just want.

To be there, Generally speaking.

Yeah.

And you know what's so ironic is I've been doing this a lot lately with my son because I've been struggling because he lacks, he's shy.

Yeah.

He lacks social skills. And I think that it's not as abnormal as I think it might be.

Because not for his generation, bro.

And it's, he, he rarely texts me during the day unless something, like, is wrong. And I got a text from him just literally five minutes ago, and he had. And the other text I got from during the day last week, last Thursday, he sent me, he's like, hey, dad, I'm writing a paper in English and it's about an argumentative paper. And I have to argue one side or the other as to why something is or isn't a good investment. And I wrote about why NFTs are not a good investment. Oh, wow, interesting. And I'm like, can you send it to me?

Hell yeah, you can, bro. Please read it to me.

He wanted my, my opinion. I was flattered, you know, and so he, he sent it to me. This is while he was in school, like during the day.

It's awesome.

And so of course, I stopped what I was doing. I actually pulled over in a parking lot and read it. And I was overly impressed. And I'm like, God, he, he got busted for plagiarism one time.

Yeah. I remember you telling us.

It was like two sentences or whatever. He. And anyway, so I'm almost like, I don't. Should I ask him? Because this is a damn good paper. He makes some, like, really good points.

And I'm like, son, where did you copy and paste this from?

But he knows better than, you know, plagiarize.

Yeah.

And unless he found like something online where people write papers for you. Yeah, which I, I, I'm not gonna ask, but he's just. I said, son, and you really. I complimented on all the things that he hit on, like, this is, like, something I would write. Almost like he. He really impressed me. And I was like, a plus plus, plus, plus, like. And it was a rough draft. Yeah. And. And I said, do you have to argue the other side? Because I have some things that I want to talk to you about that will help you in that aspect. So when you do have to do that, would you involve me? He was like, sure, absolutely. So anyway, he just texted me and he was like. My English teacher called me up to his desk and told me, there's no way you wrote this. And I told him I did. And he asked if it was labeled as. Or he goes, no, I did. And he asked if I was labeled as gifted and talented. And I said no. And he said it was above standard and above sophomore writing and commented this on my draft, which his teacher wrote. Pretty awesome work for a first draft. This is above and beyond what I'm seeing from most of your peers. I look forward to seeing what else you are capable of producing in my class. And wow. Granted, he is in AP English, Advanced placement English. But I read the paper and, yeah, I. I even asked him. I was like, you did write this? He's like, yeah.

Why does nobody believe me that I wrote this paper?

And anyway, I. So this is a really good example of me. Like, how is he feeling right now?

Yeah.

And I pray. Pray to God that he wrote this paper. I really do. Because it was really good. And that's why I was like, wow, man, this is a plus plus, plus. And I'm like, this is amazing. So the fact that his teacher said, you didn't write this. And I don't know if that. That's what he said. I don't know if that was verbatim or not, but very interesting. And it kind of falls into what we're talking about because, like, you know, how I handle this is kind of. You know, I think it's very delicate.

Exactly how you celebrate them.

Yeah.

Create momentum.

Celebrate him. And I still need to make sure that he wrote that paper because otherwise he. I mean to. I'm. I'm honestly not surprised that his teacher would respond that in that way, which kind of brings back, you know, he. He's. He. He's not. He doesn't. He's not an outgoing, sociable individual. Yeah. So his teacher doesn't know him because he doesn't talk.

Yeah.

Unless spoken to.

Yeah.

So how does he know if he's, you know, unless he's written papers in the past? In fact, that's the same teacher that hit him for plagiarism.

Yeah.

So maybe that's why.

Yeah, that's awesome, bro. That's incredible.

But literally, it was two sentences. But I don't want to harp on this one thing because there's so many other. You know, it doesn't matter what age your. Your kids are. Well, I guess it does to some extent. But even, you know, if they're three years old, five years old, or teenagers or anything. Anything in between, it's, you know, how often do we treat them in a way that we are putting ourselves in their shoes and realizing, like, what they're dealing with. Yeah. Differently than we dealt with when we were that age. Because I think it's almost like human nature to say, well, when I was your age, you know, and we tend to think, well, I didn't get this when I was in 10th grade, or I did this when I was in 10th grade. I don't think that's how we should parent, because things.

It's not the same thing.

Night and day.

We didn't have furries, bro.

I mean, you know what a furry is?

Have you heard of this?

I don't know, bro.

A furry is somebody who identifies as an animal. So there was a school. I want to say it was Minnesota, one of the M's, I believe. And there was a. There was a. I think the. The kids family sued the school. I want to say I need to look this up a little bit more, but I heard about it yesterday. Sammy was telling me about it. Smith, and what's up, Sammy?

If you see. If you ever listen to this.

Nah, he's not a single dad.

Tell him I said, what's up?

He's a married dad. About that married dad life. But he was telling me, bro, that there was a. A case where they sued because they want. The kid. Wanted there to be a litter box in the school for him to be him or her. I don't know if it was a boy or girl to be able to use the restroom because they identify as a furry. They identify as a cat. That's what's going on in some schools, bro.

Holy.

So. So for someone to be like, well, that's not how we did it. Hey, guess what? There's a lot of things that you didn't do and deal with and see that our kids are going through, man. Like, like the way everything.

Like, I mean, when we. When we were like. Well, when I was in, like, junior high and even high school, like, people didn't come out, weren't out of the closet if they were gay. I mean, very, very few. Yeah.

You just find you found out about them on Facebook way later when you're an adult.

A decade later. Yeah. And. And you're like, holy. Never would have thought. Yeah. Or.

Or some of them, you're like, yeah, some of.

I knew it. Yeah. But something was always weird about that guy. No, I'm kidding. But yeah, I mean, the, the whole transgender thing. And there's, you know, we've obviously all heard about lawsuits about using this bath, you know, this, like the bathroom that you. Of the gender you identify with.

Yeah.

You know, and I'm not going to go down that rabbit hole and I'm.

Just gonna say it's bs.

Yeah. It's just. It's different. It's. It's not something that.

It's not okay. It's not different. It's not okay. In my opinion.

It's. It's. It is what it is. It's. It's reality.

Yeah.

You know, whether we think it's okay or not, it's reality. Yeah. So this whole furry thing. No, I hadn't heard of it.

Wild.

But ironically, it doesn't surprise me. But yeah. Back to. I mean, it's just, it's just a completely different world. And therefore we should, like, focus on trying to empathize more with our kids and putting our. In putting ourselves in their shoes and trying to understand them on a different. On a different level.

Yeah.

Because they are living in a completely different generation.

Yeah.

On a completely different level. That we're not in tune with.

Yeah.

We think we are to some extent, but we're not.

Exactly.

And we need to realize that. I think. Yeah. And I think if we kind of pivot our mindsets to trying to be more in tune with how they're thinking and feeling. Yeah. We might get more from them. As far as them being open with us.

100, bro. I believe that a thousand percent. I really do. Because now we're being self. That's actually being selfless. That being selfish is. No, no, that's not how I did things. So you're not allowed to. What the hell are you talking about?

That's being a closed minded idiot.

That's just like. And, and we don't do that out of like being jerks. It's just comfort. Right. We gravitate more to what's comfortable and change is not comfortable. And so to acknowledge the fact that our kids are going through way different things, that we went through this change, man, it's a different Dynamic. But I, I think why that, why it's so powerful to ask ourselves that, bro, is, for example, every single single parent.

Every single single. Yeah, every single parent out there.

Every single parent out there struggles with the fact that when they see their kids, they're like, sad. Because I don't get to see them.

That much more about their emotions than the kids.

Right. And I'm not saying don't feel those emotions. Like, so many people get caught up in this. Like, well, am I not allowed to feel what I feel? Yes, but you're not allowed to stay there because you're grown up. I'm sorry, It's a, like you want to be real, then here's the reality of it. If you stay in that place, what, what, what is your kid experiencing now? Now put yourself in those shoes.

Like, it's like there's a time and a place for you to feel your emotions and, or express them. And it's not when you're with your kids.

Well, and. Well, I think it is, bro, but I think it's.

I, I want to back, I want to back that statement up because it is okay to express your feelings in front of your kids. It's how, but it's how and it's in doing it in a healthful way.

Yes, exactly. So I'll give her, I'll give a good example that I just ran across this morning. One of my clients sent a message in our private thread and she was talking about how she, she's like, how do I stop crying in front of my kids? I was like, what? Why would you want to do that? In my opinion. Right?

I was like, it depends on what you're talking about.

Yeah. And so she was saying that you.

Don'T want your kid to think that you're depressed or constantly sad. Exactly. Of something that, well, they're naturally going.

To make it about themselves. Like, think about it as humans, as grown ups. Somebody cheats on you, oh, I'm not good enough. You make it about you immediately. Somebody doesn't invite you to a party, you make it about you. What do you think our kids are doing exactly? Mom's mom and dad are. They're always this and they're always that. Like, what am, what am I doing to cause that? They must not be happy with me. Right. So what I told her was this because she, she keeps crying whenever she goes and drops them off at school and she gets to like, hug them and stuff and the dad's going to pick them up because she knows she's not going to see them. And so she was like, how can I stop doing that? Because everyone keeps telling me to be strong with them and then cry later. And this is what I told her. I was like, look, I don't think you have to stop crying. I don't think you have to stop expressing your emotions because our kids will model what we do. So if you are being strong in front of them, guess what? They're going to model. They're going to be strong in front of you and they're never going to really show you what's actually going on because you taught them to be strong and then cry later as, as a model. Hold on, let me, let me finish this point. And because I think it's going to clear some stuff up that you might be thinking. So I said, get down to the root of it. Why are you actually crying? Why are you actually feeling those emotions? Like, not this surface stuff of, well, I'm gonna miss them. Okay. Why are you gonna miss them? Well, because I love them so much. So you're crying because you love them. That's different. I'm like, I cry in front of my little girl.

That's not why she's crying.

Well, she's crying because she wants to be, spend more time with him. So the root of it is I love you so much, I care about you so much that I want to spend more time with you and I'm going to miss you is why she's crying. So I told her, I was like, why don't you communicate that to your kid in that moment? If they ask you, mommy, why are you crying? Baby, it's just because I love you so much.

See, I don't, I don't think that, I don't think that's right.

Why?

Because I think I, I think it's, it's okay to say mommy's going to miss you. Well, yeah, and, and hug and let them know how much you love them. Yeah, but to cry every time or they part ways. Yeah. No, that's not okay. Yeah, it's not. Well, it's okay. Like if, if you're, if your kid is crying about something, maybe the, the, your cat died or something and you cry with them, that's okay.

Yeah.

But if you cry every time you part ways with somebody, that's teaching your kid that like you're, you're weak minded and like that's a situation where you, is, what you do is you let them know how much you're going to miss them and how much you love them and show them affection and then you tell them to go, have a good day.

Yeah, absolutely.

Mommy can't wait to see you when you reach whenever you're going to see him again.

Yeah.

That's how you should handle it.

Yeah, I mean, I agree with that. I also disagree with it, but I think it's seasonal. I think it's seasonal. Like when you're used to having your kids all the time and then you go to. All of a sudden you're not having them all the time. It's like, it's that feeling of. It's. I mean, I'm sure you. You even experience this just with like losing your, your, your. Your wife. Right. Where it's like all of a sudden you come home from a normal day and it's not normal no more. It's like your whole reality has been completely changed. So there's an. There's a transition period where the emotions are more heightened. But this is, this is why I tell them to explore that emotion instead of run from it. Because the more you explore it, the more you come. Become accustomed to it. It's like the more that I used to get kicked in the legs for leg conditioning, the more I got used to getting kicked in, so the more I could take without breaking. And so you develop emotional strength. But I think it's healthy that my opinion in the moment, if. If that comes out and you just can't hold it in and it's not like bawling your eyes out. She gets teary is what she said. Right. It's like letting them know, like, man, I just love you so much. I'm gonna miss you and I hope you have an incredible time.

My. I guess I'm gonna have like all these DMS from a bunch of angry women, but I. I hope not. But because I. I genuinely believe, like, just you, like, you brought up me losing my wife so that, you know, soon, like when that happened and for, you know, weeks and even months took thereafter, there were times where we cried together and were sad together. But over time, I had to teach him that we have to move on.

Yeah.

And we can't. It's okay.

Exactly.

To have times and celebrate your mom and my wife and. And every single day for the rest of our lives, we're going to miss her. But at the same time, we can't let our. We. We can't cry every single day for the rest of our lives.

Yeah.

You have to move out of it in some form or fashion and, and children need to understand that that's the natural progression of life.

Yeah.

And same thing goes like if, if you're. And I'm glad you brought that up because, like, if, if that transformation is. Is fresh and she's having to let her kids go where she used to see them daily and not have to let them go outside of like going to school or daycare or whatever.

Yeah.

Then. And now she has to let him go for days or a week at a time. Then, you know, maybe the first. I don't know. I'm not going to put a time frame on it. But you know, eventually, like, if it's a year later and she's still doing it.

Yeah.

I don't think that's healthy. No.

Well, that means you haven't done the deep work. You're still attaching negative meaning.

So I think it's okay. Yeah. Initially, seasonally, when a transformation takes place, but not, not for the rest of your life, not a year down the road. Right. Would you agree with that?

Yeah. Yeah, bro. Because it's, it's. It's what, it's what this whole show is about in my whole. I hate to call it a business, but that's what it is. My business is all about is teaching us how to rewrite the meanings that we attach to situations because that's what creates the emotion when you drop your kid off and you make it mean that, you know, you're going to be miss again. Selfish.

Right.

You're going to be. You're going to. Which is natural. But it can be broken like little by little by little. But it is so natural.

Do have to be selfless.

Yeah.

And. And your kids, there, there are, there, there's healthy ways to cry with or. And, or in front of them.

Yeah.

And there are unhealthy ways.

Oh, yeah.

And.

And that's where we have to ask that question. What is my kid experiencing as my child? What is their experience as my child?

Which is the whole purpose and kind of the topic of this show. Yeah. And it's like if you're crying, you know, consistently every time you. They leave your site or leave you for. For a period of time, whether it's half a day, a day, a week or whatever, you know, eventually that has to stop. And they need to understand that it's okay. And it's okay to miss mommy and it's okay for mommy to miss you. In fact, it's very much okay.

Yeah.

We. It's healthy to. To see that mommy's missing. That mommy misses you. Exactly. But, but when you put yourself in a 5 year old or a 7 year old or a 10 year old's mind. Like, do you want to see your parent cry? No. That makes you. That does. I mean, yeah. No kid wants to see their parent cry. Especially. They might, they might begin to blame themselves for it.

They attach the meaning that I'm causing this.

Exactly. Exactly. And see, that's like why we need to stop sometimes and think about what we're doing and why. Yeah. You know, we shouldn't. We should maybe hold off on the tears.

And that's why it's. I think it's so important, like.

And I don't want to focus on just that scenario.

No. Yeah.

There's so many more.

So many different, bro. I mean, there's so many. Like, they come over, but your head is stuck on what just happened between the conversation between you and your ex. And so now you're not even present. So what's your kid experiencing in that moment? Lack of significance. You know what I mean? And so it's like, if that's why I started asking myself that question, that's why I messaged you about it. Because I was like, bro, like, this is really taking me to a, A new depth of empathy and awareness. And it's challenging me. Like, really, really challenging me to. Because from my ex, from my experience, when I did some honest soul searching, like, you can't.

This.

You got to do some honest asking. What do they actually feel? Man, they probably feel so loved and encouraged and then that. But like, deep down inside, you know, you haven't really said anything to them that's really genuinely encouraged them. Right? Because think about this, bro. Criticism always hits harder than a compliment. But it's because criticism is always dialed in like a sniper, man. You the, like A, B, C, bullet pointed of what they did and what they should have done and what they could have done and all these things. Right? But then a compliment is usually like, if I was like, scott, man, you're such a good dad. How many times have you heard that? And it doesn't really do anything. It's because it's so vague. But if someone was like, scott, you know what, bro? Like, you're a phenomenal dad. Because I noticed this moment when now it's dialed in, right? So for our kids, it's like the same thing. It's the same thing. Like, I had to be honest with myself and be like, dude, okay, what, What. What could my little girl be experiencing right now? I'm like, okay, I feel like I'm hitting this Mark. I feel like I'm hitting this mark because I, I try and fulfill her four basic human needs, which is a great tool to learn because then you know how, how what you can dial into. And I was like, okay, I'm hitting her certainty. I'm hitting her variety, like her adventure and spontaneousness. I'm hitting her loving connection. I was like. But I think I'm lacking. Hitting her significance right now. If I'm being honest with myself, I don't think she feels like the most significant person in my life right now. And that hurt. It hurt to think that and to judge myself on that.

Understandable.

But it led me to a point of what do I want to do about it now?

Exactly.

How can I show you? Which is why Tuesday. Oh, so intentional. This weekend. Oh, so intentional. And then guess what? Next weekend I get her. I'm gonna get her again. So I'm gonna have her back to back. So intentional. I'm gonna take her on a daddy daughter date. I'm talking about buy her a dress, bring her flowers, pick her up, ring the doorbell, everything. And then go take her to eat chicken Alfredo at Olive Garden and then take her to pin stack and play her fave.

Yeah.

Like. You see what I'm saying?

But that's, that, that is amazing. And, and, and the fact that you're, you're going to do that, and especially at her age. Yeah. Because in three, four years, three or four or five, I don't know where would. It'll happen, but it'll happen. Where that can't, you won't be able to do that. You'll have to do something else. It'll be a different, it'll be a lot different. So, like, and I'm struggling right now because you probably remember I used to be intentional. And I would, I would say every day when my son gets home, he'll come, you know, he'd come in my, my home office and, you know, we just chop it up for, for 20, 30 minutes.

Yeah.

I would be intentional about conversating with him because I wanted him, I wanted him to, you know, let, like, let. I want to know what's going on with you at school. I want to know, like, who, who do you sit with at lunch? I want to know, like, bro, let.

Me into your life.

No, just. Yeah, well, and find out, you know, what's going on in his head.

Yeah.

You know, and I have not, I've, I have just not done that. And it's, I, I, I, I have a feeling of, of guilt. I Have a feeling of just sadness. And I feel like, why did I stop doing that? And I can tell you, but I'm not going to make excuses. Yeah. The fact is I stopped saying here. I need to identify that I stopped. Which I have. And start again.

Yeah.

Because. Which I'm going to. And the cool thing is I'm picking him up early today because he has a.

The appointment.

Ortho appointment, so I'll have time with him and he'll have to talk to me. And. But, you know, we, you know, but you know, he's. He's about to get his license, so we're practicing driving because I was. I'm his instructor. I think I've been a shitty one, to be honest. So I need to be more intentional about the consistency of that. The. These last two and a half weeks. And, you know, among other things. And that's why when you said, when you, when you said, I want to focus on this topic, I'm like, good, because I've been struggling lately with, with doing that, with getting. With thinking. Like, what is he thinking? Why is, you know, how is he thinking?

Yeah.

And, you know, I, I've. Our conversations have been shortened and I. I feel like I'm losing him to some extent.

Yeah. And, dude, it's such a. It's such an intense question to ask yourself. Like, think about that. Asking yourself, what would it be like to be my son right now? Like, what is the experience to be my son? Not like in school or this or that, but like in this dynamic for me, my little girl, like, would it.

Be like, she can't explain it to you.

Yeah.

And he won't explain it to me.

Yeah.

So.

So we both just got.

No, it's literally, it's, it's. It's about. It's about being intentional.

Yes.

And making time so you can try and understand by asking questions. And, you know, and when they're teenagers, you ask too many questions. You know, they.

They shut you annoyed.

They shut down. Yeah, they get annoyed. You shut down. So you have to talk to them about things that they're interested in and get them talking to you. Just like in sales, like, you gotta. Exactly. You gotta get somebody talking about the problems that they're having so you can provide the solution and sell. Right?

Yeah, exactly.

Same thing, same concept.

But first you gotta build rapport. Make them laugh. Talk about something that you connect with.

And see, as much as I'd like to say, I'm his dad, I have rapport, bro.

We have to build it every time it feels like you do.

It's. It is a.

It is a hardest client to close again.

100. Because you literally. It's like you don't have a second, a third, and a closing appointment. It starts from scratch every single morning.

Yes, it does. Exactly.

And especially the older they get. And so, you know, if I could go back, what. What. What would I do differently? You know, I'd have to think about it. But I know there's probably quite a bit.

But I don't even. Don't even go that route.

I don't. I don't think that way. I don't think, like, what should I have done? Because I can't go back and do it.

It's. What can I do now?

Exactly.

Yes.

I can't. I can't go back and redo the last five years or five days, for that matter.

Yeah.

But what I can do is say, moving forward. Yeah, this is what I'm going to do, and this is how I'm going to do it and kind of strategize. Yeah. Which is what I'm doing with you right now.

Yeah.

And hopefully it works. Yeah, hopefully. People that are listening are. Can do the same. Exactly, bro.

It's like, you can't rewrite the past, but you can write tomorrow. You can write today. And I think so often we get caught up with the past. And how could I have rewritten it? Can I rewrite? No, you can't. There's nothing you can do to change it.

That's.

It's gone. It came and it went and it was like that. So now use that to focus on what do I want to write today? What kind of story do I want to write today? What kind of experience do I want my kids to experience today? Right. Or tomorrow or the day that I see them and just focusing on that and focusing on, like, from their side of things. Like, man, whenever my. Because, bro, like, I just remember, even till this day now, my little girl, she'll do, like, some stuff that's not really a big deal, but to her it is, right? So it doesn't matter if it's not a big deal. The only thing that matters is, is it a big deal to her? Because how I respond, if it is a big deal to her, how I respond will affect her directly. Even if it's in the grand scheme of things, not a big deal to her, it is. In her world, it is a big deal. Just like in your world, there's certain things that are big deal. My world, certain things that are a Big deal. And it's different. Everyone's living, like, their own life, their own reality, their own. They have their own importance on certain things. And so whenever I started asking myself that question, it's like something that I don't think we do enough of, bro, is we do this in, like, romantic relationships, right? Like, you know, the five love languages. And so we do that romantic. But do we do that with our kids? Because that's also how they connect.

That's a very good point.

Like, my little girl's love language is acts of service and quality time. She's never communicated that to me, but I see it through action. And my love language is physical touch and words of affirmation, which annoys her sometimes. But it's like, bro, I could be sitting there, not even playing Nintendo Switch with her, just watching her and celebrating her as she beats the people up. And she just loves it, dude. It's like she lights up. She's a different little girl because she's having that quality time. And she's like, my dad's here, and this Nintendo Switch, as dumb as it might be, is important to her. And I am not the one that gets to choose what's important to her. I'm sorry. As her dad, I wish I had that choice, because then the Bible and Jiu jitsu would be what's important to her. But I don't have that choice. And I think that's where there's this friction. This iron sharpens iron with our kids that actually helps us grow and develop. Because now I can't just be all about what I'm about. I have. I have to be about what this little girl is about, because if not, I'm going to lose my connection with her.

Yeah, absolutely. And see, that's. That's one thing that I. I feel that I've done right with my son is I. I've. I've never forced him. And. And some parents may disagree with this, but I've never forced him to do what I think he should do.

There.

There have been times when I have identified why he may not be. Like, I remember, like, one time he got invited to go to the lake, and this was Bow.

Yeah, this was good. See, but that's a good moment because he wanted to go.

Well, he. He didn't. He didn't tell me. He told me he didn't want to go. Yeah, I identified why I thought he did want to go. And it. It was because I knew he was insecure about taking his shirt off, because.

Whatever, you know, you, like, peeled that onion till you got to it age.

13 or something like that. You know, he was like, chubby.

Insecurities really start, unfortunately, obviously now, you.

Know, he'll take the shirt off, and it's no big deal because he's grown up and he's taller and he's thinned out and whatever. But. But at that point in time, he. I knew he was insecure because just to go swimming, he'd wear a swim shirt. So he didn't go. He got an opportunity to go out on this big boat and go, you know, tubing and all that stuff. Like, what kid wouldn't enjoy the hell out of that? So I drove down the road, and I just bought, like, three different ones and came back and said, here, go. And he's like, thanks, dad. Because he wanted to go, and he had a blast.

Yeah.

And. And because, yeah, he wanted to go, but he. He. He wouldn't tell me. And that was. That was. That's a great example of, like, me putting myself in his shoes.

Yep.

With.

Exactly.

So. And that's why I brought it up, because it was a time when I was able to empathize and. And put myself. Why would he not want to go?

Exactly.

I know why he doesn't want to go, and I have seen it, and I have a solution for it.

Yeah.

And I'm gonna. I'm not gonna make him go. I'm just gonna provide the solution and hope that he goes and has a good time. And it worked.

Yeah, bro. That's so good. It's funny, because we overlook some things sometimes, and I think I forgot what the percentage is, and I don't even know who comes up with these percentages. I don't trust it. But it makes sense, right?

It's the getting them from.

But. Yeah, but it's like in. In communication, I think your voice and your words, they say, no, your words are, like, 7% or something astronomically low of communication. A lot of it is body language, tonality. Absolutely right. And so I agree with that, but we don't. We don't do that with our kids. We're like, why aren't they telling me? We're, like. We're, like, so focused on, like, the 7% that we think is what matters the most, but we're not reading body language, and we're not reading tonality. Like, if you want to know if your kid is having a good day or not, listen to their tonality. Like, if you want to know if I'm on top of the world, you can probably hear it in my voice right now. Like, Frank feels pretty good right now. As opposed. If I came in, I was just like, yeah, man, it's been. It's been just a really good week, dude. Just been having a lot of fun and made some great memories with my daughter.

Yeah.

What, bro, you serious right now?

Like, that's the thing is, like, pick. I've picked up on things with my son. Like, I. I'll offer him, like. Like, hey, bro, do you want to go get some new Jordans? And he's like, no, I'm good. Okay. What freaking teenager doesn't want to go get new Jordans? That's weird. Something's off, right?

Yeah. Like, does he like Jordans?

Yeah, he's got Yeezys, and I've given him some. We wear the same size shoe. Mean, I've got. Got a closet full of them. Yeah. You know, so. And every once in a while, he'll bar. And maybe that's why, because he can borrow mine. I never even thought about that, but. And like, dad, I don't need any.

You keep buying them for you.

You know, there's just, you know, like, clothes, like a haircut. Like, all right, bro, your hair is getting a little shaggy, man. It's time to cut it. And he's like, I like it. I'm like, dude, I let you grow along. Now you're starting to drive, and it's now going over your eyes.

Yeah.

And you know, the last thing in the world I want to do is hold that car over his head, and I won't do it. I'm not going to say, hey, I'll take your car away if you do this or anything like that. Because I think that's not the way the parent, by holding, like, you know, the. The biggest. The biggest thing he values. And I. Maybe some others.

How could I agree? It's almost like, how can I create the most fear in my kid to respect me out of fear?

Honestly, it's like he's. He. He's been open with me and, you know, he told me smoked marijuana and. And the thing is, is, like, I. I've. When he told me, I didn't have the conversation. I just went back, like, you know, two or three days later, and I said and asked some more questions about it and got some more information. And you have to do. I. I have to do it in increments just to get. Like I said, you ask them too many questions, they shut down.

Yeah.

And so I did it in increments and Then finally I was able to say, look, dude, I'm not promoting it at all. But the one thing I promised you was if you were honest with me, you wouldn't get in trouble and I'd have your back. And I just want you to see that I've. I've kept my word.

Yeah.

This entire time. And I hope you continue to be honest. Like.

Yeah.

Hey, dad, I'm thinking. I'm thinking I'm gonna have sex with this girl. Or, you know, when he's. When. If he's dating somebody, I'll kind of figure it out. And, you know, that hadn't happened yet.

But you're gonna pull out the banana and.

God, no. Trust me.

This is how you do this, son.

He said he watches more porn than. I'm not stupid. I backdoor him on that one. I was like, you know, I know that you watch a lot of porn. And he's like, yeah. And I'm like, pornhub.com. right? He's like, yeah. Because it's like, the most known one. And I. I didn't know that. And he was just like, yeah, yeah. Admitted it. And I acted like it was no big deal. I was like, try this today. And it walked out. But. But when you do that, they'll be honest about it. I mean, I'm just saying it's. It's. It's.

It's maybe not encouraged that.

No.

Right.

I'm not. I'm not encouraging it, but I'm not discouraging what I know he's going to do anything.

You're not shaming him?

No, I don't want him to feel shamed about what every teenage boy does.

Have you heard Joe Koi, the comedian?

I've seen him live, like, three times.

You have?

Yeah. I love him, bro.

I just discovered him this year. He's, like, the best. One of the best comedians I've ever heard. But he had this one bit where he was talking about his. His. His son and how he was like, he thinks he's smooth.

He's like.

But I. I know everything he's doing. He was like. And I called him out on it once. I was like, you know, I know what you're doing, right, Joe?

And that. What.

What was it that he said? He was like. When I. When I first caught him, it's like, what was I supposed to do? Like, tell him, hey, you're not allowed to do that? He was like, I'm still doing that.

I totally know.

I was like, gosh, bro, Dude, no, I think That's. I think it's powerful, though, man.

It's just. It's. It's having a teenage boy. It's like. Like, you. You can't discourage the inevitable. Yeah. Because they're gonna do it. You have to know that. And I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna make him, you know, feel shamed, because then he. That. That's kind of like the kind of thing that will prevent him from talking to me.

Yeah.

And I. When it. When it gets to the point where, you know, other things are happening, I want him to be honest with me. But. Yeah. You know, I was. I was just saying, like, I'm not gonna hold, like, his car over his head and say, if you do this, I'm taking that away because it's just, you know, I'm gonna put a tracking device in it, so I'm gonna know exactly what he's doing, and I'm gonna be very, like, you know, it'll be phases as to, you know, well, and there's.

And you already have laid out consequences for him lying to you.

That's. That's the biggest thing. It's like. And I've told him, and that's kind of what I was getting at with, like, in increments. And the last conversation that we had about it, I said, dude, just. Just know this, that when you're dishonest with me or you're not forthcoming, which is the same thing, in my opinion.

Yeah.

And. And it needs to be in your opinion, because it's my opinion. Yeah. And the second you do that, that's when our relationship suffers because, like. Like, I can't have. Like, I have. I can't have a relationship with my friends if they don't trust me. Yeah. Can have a relationship with Randy if she doesn't trust me. Yeah. Can't have a relationship with you if you don't trust me or if I don't trust you. Yeah. Trust is the key to all relationships.

Yeah.

And I'd want more than anything for you to be my friend.

Yeah.

And if I can't trust you, I can't be your friend.

Bro, you're coming into such a cool season of parenthood. I feel like, like you're transitioning into, like, that almost coach, last mentor and friendship season, which is like, I think it's going to be so fun for you, bro. Honestly, like, obviously, it's gonna be hard, and there's gonna be a lot of fear there because so much unknown. Yeah. I think it's gonna be so cool too.

It's tough, but like, the whole topic is like, I'm really strugg with like, I don't know. I wish I had answers to how I can get him to become more sociable and what, and, and what things I can do to. To. Because I've tried it with, you know, and I, and I've talked to him and I've. We've. We've had these conversations, like little things that he can change. And he's told me that they helped him, but they haven't. Like, he hasn't turned the corner yet.

Yeah.

And I don't know. I, I struggle because I want to have the answer. Yeah. But I don't think there is an answer for, you know, I think, I think it's, it's a process and I think it's something that I just need to continuously work with him on and talk about and. Yeah. Hope for the best. Yeah.

Well. And I think, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think the guest we're gonna have in a couple weeks is a behavior. Something with behavior with kids. So that might be a good question to like, ask him is like, hey, how can we. Bro?

October. October 24th, we're having a guest and it's a doctor.

Right. We'll.

I'll. We'll put, we'll post information about him and, and his background on our Instagram page and, and in our app so everyone knows when he's coming on. And we're also going to have a live Q A when he's on. He's a pretty big name and he, yes, he, he does focus on child behavioral issues and things of that nature, but he also focuses on how parents can deal with certain, you know, I think it's key, like what I'm talking about.

Yeah, it's gonna be a sick episode.

Or also, like people that have kids with autism and things of that nature.

I can't wait.

So he's extremely knowledgeable. He's been a guest on some very big podcasts and big names and. Yeah. So look for that on our Instagram page and in our app. And we're gonna post the date and time, but it is going to be. It's in the calendar for October 24, which is a Monday.

I feel like my first question to him is going to be, how can I get my kid to do what I want her to do? Teach me. Teach me how to get my kid to do exactly what I want her to do so I can be in full control.

If anybody has the answer to that, please be a guest.

He's going to be like, bro, you're in for a long ride, dog. Oh, man. Yeah. So that, that's gonna be really exciting. But, man, I think. I don't know about you, bro, but I really enjoyed this conversation. I hope all you guys enjoyed it too.

I. I certainly did. And before we go, I just want to let everyone know because I haven't promoted enough on Instagram and we're gonna start. But if you haven't downloaded our app, the Single Dads podcast, it's in the Google Play Store for Android and the Apple store for iOS. Download it. It has a lot of really cool features and I encourage everyone that has downloaded it or downloaded the old one. All you have to do is create a new profile and you're good. You don't have to change anything else, like if you're a donor or whatever. You don't have to redo that. You're good. You're. I think some people questioned had some questions about that. You don't have to do anything different. You're. You're good to go. But download our app. There are some really, really cool features in it. And we're going to start advertising or I guess promoting the various features that, that, you know, you can reach out. We're going to start having more support groups and allowing people to volunteer to host those. So you can, you can pick a day and time and volunteer to host it. And then people can rsvp, RSVP or sign up and let you know that they'll be attending to make sure that, you know, you're going to have some people there. So. And if, you know, they don't, no one attends and sign up for another time. Yeah, but we're just trying to create more, more support groups so more people can, can take advantage of them. They do a lot of people a lot of good. And so we're just trying to think of more ways to provide support to you guys. Yeah. And so check out our Instagram page and keep an eye on it. And also in app, we've added some new features. And tonight. Are you gonna.

Yeah. This episode will go live today. I'm gonna go buy a hard drive. I always say that it went live that day.

Just linked it went live Tuesday last.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Technical difficulties, but yeah, we will be.

I will be hosting Support group tonight, 9 o' clock central standard time as usual. So if you guys can make it, please do so. I'll be emailing out links if you aren't on the email list and you want to be a part of the support group, please DM us and I will.

Or, or get on the app, post.

On the general, chat a profile and send me a message directly in the app and let me know you want a link and I will make sure you get one.

Yeah, we also send that. That link's also sent out in the app as a push notification too. Right?

Right. So if you create it, if you create a profile and say that you want to be a part of the weekly support group, you will get a push notification with a link before plenty of time to to hop on and be a part of the group. So thanks for joining and we'll see you guys next time.