Why is my kid pulling away?

What's up, Frank? How are you today, buddy?

I'm good, man. I'm really, really, really good. We had a little. Everybody, just so you guys know, we just had. We were just a little rushed and we're calming down. We're coming down right now.

I'm not even sitting down at this point. Don't know that I will.

And I made the worst mistake in the world, which is drinking coffee before eating. So I'm jittery, anxious and I hate the feeling so that I'm chugging water right now because I don't. I do not like feeling that way.

Yeah, there's no beer on tap downstairs. I was pissed off anyways, man.

I'm excited for this. I'm really excited. Thank you so much for everybody that's tuning in right now, man. We just want you guys to know that we love you guys. We appreciate you guys so much. Don't worry, we're gonna step it up as far as the social media game. We're gonna be a lot more responsive. We just had someone that reached out that's going to be helping us with social media because as you guys know, me and Scott also have, you know, right now, full time jobs. Well, I'm gonna be honest, more than full time jobs. Because of the entrepreneur world. I work probably at least 60 to 70 hours a week. And if you don't believe me, you can message my girlfriend. And so we really do want to be here, though, as much as possible for you guys. So we rented out a studio and we will be filming every single week. And we're just gonna have a good time and be here for you. Build this community, make sure that you know that, hey, Frank and Scott are always going to be there for you. So you can always tune in, catch us on Spotify, Apple Podcast, Google podcasts, wherever it is that you're at. And we're gonna have a, a really, really, really good time. This next season is going to be great. Right, right, Scott?

Absolutely. And while we're on that subject, we are currently creating a really badass app.

Yeah.

For our podcast.

Well, he's being generous. He is creating, not we. Scott is doing all of this. He's phenomenal at it and.

Well, thank you. But when you see the results, I, I think everyone's gonna love it because we've talked for two seasons for about having a support group. I continuously get messaged through IG about it and so we're making it happen and it's under construction right now. The podcast is going to be there for anyone to go. So you don't have to go to Spotify or YouTube or wherever. Yeah, we're also going to have rooms. We're gonna have a weekly support group that's video. So like everyone can see. See each other, get to know each other. We'll have topics. We'll let you guys pick the topics. You'll even have the ability to go into rooms and collaborate with each other without Frank and I even being there. I mean, it's going to be really badass. So I'm not going to say much more about it, but just know that that's coming. And so, yeah, bro, I'm stoked for.

That because there's nothing better than getting an ice cold beer or a nice little whiskey and sitting down and chatting with a bunch of men that are on the same journey in life, you know what I'm saying? And are after the same goal, which is to be the best parents that we can be. So.

Absolutely.

I'm stoked for that. I'm stoked.

There's so many people that have requested support group. Support group. And people want to talk. And it'll be cool because I'm even going to make it where you can see where everybody is around the country, world, wherever. So.

So that's sick.

It is awesome. It's going to be great.

That's so sick. That's so sick. So, guys, 2022, let's go. It's time to leave 2020 behind us and 2021 and look back at everything that we've went through and leave the shame, learn from the mistakes so that we grow in wisdom. But we're ready to kick off the year, honestly. And so today we're going to be talking about something really cool. Honestly, it's something that I myself have been struggling with lately. I wouldn't say struggling, I would say facing. Because I want to have a. A good. A good contact or context around it.

Yeah, facing. Yeah, it's depending on what phase you are as a parent.

Yeah.

Based on really the age of your child or children. So Frank just kind of threw it out right before we hopped on today and I thought it was an awesome topic and I think you guys will too. So, Frank, kick it off.

Yeah. Okay. So this is something that we are all going to face. I don't care who you are, the Rock himself is facing this right now, or whoever it is that you admire. If you don't like the Rock, we have problems. No, I'm just kidding. But for real, we do. But you're Idolizes it. I really do. The Rock. If you ever hear this biggest man, please reach out.

Heterosexual man.

Hashtag no homo. Anyways, so we're all gonna face this. I'm currently facing it. Scott has faced it, and is probably actually about to experience another transition.

I've gone through quite a few of them.

Yeah, exactly, which is why I love this, bro. I love this because you. You've gone through some of this stuff. I'm currently going through some of this stuff. Whoever is listening right now, you are probably going through it or have gone through it. And this is why the support groups are gonna be dope.

So what the hell are you talking about, man? Let's get to it.

I' I'm building the suspense. But no, for real, this is what I love. Because even when the support group launches, right? And when we figure all that out and we're able to officially launch it, like, we can discuss the things that we talk on the podcast with everybody, right? So now it's not just people are listening, but participating in every single episode, which is dope. And this is something that I'm going to want to hear from people about. So this is what we're talking about. There are stages in lives that are in our kids lives that they face, that we have zero control over, but it directly affects us and them. But it's just the way that they're wired. And what's happening right now is I'm being. I'm be honest. Like my little girl, she used to love spending time with me all the time. Like, just wanted to be with Papa, Papa, Papa. And now she just turned 12 and she's in this area. No, she just turned 11 and she.

God, I'm not gonna say anything.

I promise. I'm a good dad. I'm a really good dad. And so she, she's. She's turned the age that she's turned and things are changing. Things are changing and I don't like it. I'm gonna be honest with you, bro. I don't like it. Because now she used to want to be around me all the time and like, was just looked up to me so much. And now slowly but surely, she's like, I want to stay with grandma and grandpa. And I'm like, but why? You love me and I love you. What's going on? You know what I mean? And she's just been wanting to like, withdraw and distant a little bit. And obviously as a dad, it's like it drives you nuts, especially as a single parent where you're like, whoa, hold on. What am I doing wrong? Is the first thing that comes to mind. What am I doing wrong? And that's the first thing that's come to my mind. And so I'm trying to make all of these adjustments to try and fix this issue. And then my girlfriend sends me this article, and it's not an issue that I can fix. It's just how they're wired.

It is exactly how they're wired. And, yes. Let me give you a little bit of advice. Slash. What's the word? Insight. So I remember when my mini me was. Wanted to do every. He wanted to dress like me. He wanted to go where. Wherever I went. We went to topgolf once dressed exactly the same. I was wearing a white belt.

Sick.

And he had to have a white belt. So I literally took my only other white belt and I cut it so he could wear it. And. Sick. Like, little memories like, that you cherish.

Yes.

Got it on video camera. Everything. Yeah. And I look back and I'm like, man, look how cute and cool you were. Oh, and you wanted to be just like me.

Yeah. Which made you even cooler.

Exactly. But. And it makes you, as a parent, feel cool.

Yes.

Not like, cool like I am cool, but like, you're. Makes you feel good.

Like, you're, like. It makes you feel like, dang, I'm a good dad.

Yeah. I got. I got this little. This little. Little creature that looks up to me that wants to do. Yeah. What I do, how I do it. And so I don't. I don't want to be cliche, but enjoy that. These. These little seasons or phases of life with your children. And for those of you who have multiple kids, it's. You probably understand a lot more than I. We only have one. One child each, so. But, man, I'm so amped up on coffee right now, bro.

Me too. I'm trying to learn how to breathe right now. And it's supposed to happen naturally for the human body. So let me jump into this then real quick, because it's gonna hit on exactly what you just said. So this article, I'm just gonna read bits and pieces of it, and what we'll actually do is we'll link it on our story on Instagram, because now you can drop links on there, and people just tap it, and it sends them directly to it. So if you want to read this article, then check out our Instagram the day of the. Actually, I'll put it in a highlight, also on the Instagram page, so it'll be Saved there, so you can access it whenever you want to read the full thing. But look, check this out. This is what, this is what the article says. It says parents vastly underestimate how closely they are observed and how constantly they are evaluated by their child. In the vanity of their superior position, parents prefer to think they know the child best. That hurts, because that's implying that we don't know them best. And perhaps this is for the best. Otherwise being the object of such keen and relentless scrutiny might make parents too self conscious for. For their own effort. And so this is what it goes into, right? It says that the child from the ages of 8 and 9 admires, even worships parents for the capabilities of what they can do and the power of approval that they possess. The child wants to relate on parents, on parental terms, enjoy parental companionship and imitates the parents wherever possible. Just like you've just said about Riley and my little girl when she would follow me up on stage when I had my guitar. The child wants to be like and to be liked by these adults. We are mostly positively evaluated, assuming they are not damaging or dangerous to. To live with. So in other words, our childs are evaluating us and checking us out and worshiping everything that they. That we do and wanting to be like us. Right? So now this, this is what it goes on to say. And this is where it kind of sucks a little. This is where I'm at. This is the, the transition that I'm in. It says now comes adolescence beginning around ages 9 to 13, which is right where my little girl is. And parents get kicked off the freaking pedestal I threw in. Freaking. That's my translation. In the girl and boy's childhood. They could do no wrong come adolescence, it seems they can do no right as a parent. What. What has. What has caused this sudden fall from grace? Have parents changed? No, but the child has. And with cause. To begin the separation from childhood that starts adolescence, the young person has to reject some of the old lifestyle that Brandon him or her as a quote unquote child. Thus freeing up growing room for the journey to independence ahead through attitude and actions. The young person is saying, I no longer want to be defined and treated as a child anymore.

So you guys could read this article in full. But I'm going to interject right there and because I, I remember to a T. Like and. And it's what for my son when he went from fifth grade to sixth grade, from elementary school to middle school is what we call it here in Texas anyway.

Yeah.

Which is sixth Seventh and eighth grade. He didn't know so much of these things in life existed. When he was in fifth grade, he gets to middle school and boom. All of a sudden there's clicks that of a people. There's this guy's cool because he's in this sport and that sport. And all these variables come into play that they had no idea existed. So they're dealing with like all these new weird things they didn't know about before. And when we try to, you know, be involved, they're like, shut up. It's like they want to figure it out themselves. So they push us away. Nothing we can say, nothing we can do. And trust me when I say this, it is not your fault unless you're just a really shitty parent. But I, I think people that listen to this are not bad parents.

Yeah, exactly. The simple fact that you're searching out resources like this needs to comfort you in knowing if you're listening to this, that you're not a bad parent.

The fact, yeah. If you're listening to this, you are not a bad parent or you are trying to become and improve as a parent. So either way you guys rule. But it's not your fault. Because I, God, I remember it like it was yesterday when he, when he turned that corner and went from that, you know, everything's awesome with dad to get out of my room. No, I don't want to talk about what, what happened today. Da, da, da, da da. So you have to do different things. And one thing I did to try and be cool dad still.

Yeah.

Was reach out. And I started telling him stories of when I was in sixth grade, seventh grade, and I got, I busted out my yearbooks, which was one really cool thing I remember doing.

That's.

And, and I, you can see like what everybody wrote in the, you know, you hand them around. Everyone writes, have a kick ass summer, dude.

Yeah.

And man, it brought back so many memories. And I like Drew, you know, pitchforks going in the principal's face and stuff like that and, you know, did all these things. But, but I was able to, like, I'd forgotten about most of it. Yeah. And most of the people even. And it brought back so much, so many memories for me. But it also got me on his level right. Of thinking. And so he's like, man, I get, you know, I get that, I get that, I get that.

Yeah.

Because I'm talking about exactly where he is in life. So just one, one thing you can do, one of many is break out the yearbooks or things that you did at that age that if you were a cool at that age, like I was, and you draw pitchforks to the principal's face and you talk about how you got suspended and yada, yada, yada. But, you know, he was able to relate, and it made us get. Become closer. And the cool thing is. And this is totally. I'm being totally honest when I say this, he asked me three times from the initial time.

Yeah.

Hey, can we look at your yearbooks again?

That's cool. You want to hear the story, bro? That's so true. Because till this day, I love hearing my dad's stories.

Yeah.

Because it makes him real. I'm like. I'm like, dog.

Exactly.

You. Okay. So cool story for you guys. Of my dad. My dad once knocked out a dude with a lime, and I thought he was full of it. Okay. Yes. So my dad used to play baseball. And have you. You've met my dad, right?

Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, massive hands. The man has massive, massive hands. But. So he was at a bar in Mexico, drinking outside, right? Because whatever. And some dude comes up from behind him, sucker punches him, and thought he hit the right. The right guy, but it was the wrong guy. And my dad was drinking the Modelo. And on his other hand, he had a lime. And he was softening it up, getting it ready so that he could cut it, because he would just cut the top of it, right? And then just squeeze a little into his beer. And then the next beer he got squeeze a little bit more, right? And so he had the lime and he was playing with it.

Hispanics are so resourceful.

And he gets decked, sucker punched. And the dude realizes, oh, that's not him. And my dad reacts and starts chasing the dude. Well, the dude was so fast that my dad couldn't catch him. So out of frustration, my dad plants his feet, launches a line, hits the dude right square in the back of the neck, knocks him out. I did not believe my dad when he told me that story until family members came from Mexico and they started telling the story without my dad ever bringing it up. And I was like. And then that happened with multiple stories. But I. It's so true. I love hearing those stories. And now at, like, family parties or even when I'm just with my dad, I'm like, dude, tell me another story. Like, I want to. I want to hear more because it makes me, like, relate.

Exactly.

And so I. I love that example. And this is what the article says. This should be really encouraging to all of us when it comes to how those on the receiving end evaluate our parenting. We were never as good as our children wanted to believe or as bad as our adolescents frequently complained that we were. Mostly, we turned outperforming about as well. As one young adult, after some hard reflection, explained, my parents weren't perfect. More of a mix. But I've decided that's okay. After all, I wasn't perfect either. This is what they eventually will get to. Right? Which is, I think, where we're all at. Like, dang, my dad wasn't perfect, but he tried the best that he could, and I appreciate that. And then it says this at the end. At issue is not parents necessarily agreeing with the young person's assessment. So even if you don't agree with them treating you this way, that's not the main issue here. But just accepting that the evaluation rings true of their grown child. In other words, this is what he's growing through. This is why he's. And just understanding and accepting that that's what's happening and that we aren't causing it, because I think we make it about us sometimes, and that's why we suffer as parents. Right. I think the episode on how to stop suffering, it's. Stop making it mean something about yourself. Because anytime it means something about me, I suffer. So my little girl's been changing because she's supposed to, and I've been suffering because I've been like, what am I doing to cause this rejection from this little girl that I love so much? But I didn't cause it. Nature caused it. Her brain is causing it. Making room for the next season in her life is causing it. And that makes me feel so much better. And now I'm not gonna get offended when she's like, no, I don't want to stay with you. Like, I'm just gonna try and be more relatable and try and spend time with her and have fun doing it and not let it get to me and just brush it off.

I. I learned to take those. You know, like, I'm gonna go to my cousins. I want to go with my grandma. Yeah, Cool. Now I got some free time for me.

I love that you're flipping the script on it.

Exactly.

Yeah.

And most of the time, I'm like, I don't even know what to do with myself because I never have free time.

Yeah.

I'm like, let me call. Oh, yeah, I forgot how. I have no friends that aren't married with kids anyway. I have a few. You guys know who you are, Both of you.

I'M just kidding.

But yeah, man, I just kind of looked at it as Scott time. So there's just a lot of things that you're going through, and there's also a lot of things you're going through that I can't relate to because I have a son and you have a daughter.

Yeah.

And vice versa.

And my little girls on, like, the autistic spectrum.

Right. And you have a daughter with, you know, some special issues, and she's. She's autistic, right?

Yeah, she's. I. She's like, on the low end. I believe it's Asperger's.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And all that jazz. So it's a little bit different. But what's crazy is even with her having that, she's still walking through this. You mean, like, it doesn't affect this stages, which is. Is crazy to think because you would think, oh, maybe it would, like, not happen. So now I'm like, dang it, man. All I'm thinking is like, I just want you to cuddle with me again. You know what I'm saying? But it should be encouraging to anyone who's listening to this right now that you're not the cause of it. Your parenting isn't causing it. It's a normal stage in life. And that brings comfort to me because if I can't control it, then that means I just have to run with it and roll it and make the best out of it. And if I can't control it, means I'm not causing it.

Yeah. You know, I would say key word here. Empathy.

Yeah.

Empathize. Like how when you were that age, I know if my parents told me this, this or this, it's going to go one in one ear and right out the other. I don't even bother, man.

Yeah.

It's like, I'm not going to tell him this, this, because he's just going to get more frustrated or be like, all right, I'm block you out, dad. And not listen to things that I want him to listen to by telling him just the normal BS stuff that he's not going to listen to because I. I know I wouldn't have.

Yeah. You know, think about it this way. This is what I told literally, one of my clients because they were being too pushy in a relationship, and we can be too pushy as parents, too. Trying to connect. It's in the word pushy. If you're too pushy, you push them away. It's literally in the action that we're taking. And so it's exactly what you just said. Don't be too pushy. I learned to not be too pushy. Which then lets them have the freedom that they need to make their assessments. Whatever this article is saying that I do not like, but it's happening and gives them the opportunity to come back and, and chat whenever they're ready and gives you the opportunity to build something, to create friendships, to create relation, to have hobbies, you know, I'm saying.

And well, you know, I don't know if I should share this or not, but I will. I'm. The way I am with my son is. I'm very open with him from the time he could walk, talk, listen, comprehend, I, I instilled in him, always be honest with me and I will always have your back. Yeah, that's it. Period. The end.

That's so good.

And the. A few, it's about a month or, I don't know, fairly recent. He said, dad, I almost tried pot this weekend.

That's awesome.

So how many? 15.

It's not awesome that he's going to try pot. It's awesome that he told you, but.

How many 15 year old. Yeah, kids go to their dad and say, hey, I almost tried pot. And it's like, I didn't get mad. I said, well, tell me about the scenario. And I'm like, I'm not dumb. I know you're gonna have opportunities.

Just tell me.

The best thing I can do is tell you to think about the results of your actions before you do them. Yeah, that's the best advice I could possibly give him. Yeah, I'm not saying, hey, it's okay to go do pot or whatever. Just think, if you do it, are you somewhere where you could get in trouble? Are you somewhere safe? Are you around close friends? Are you with people you're trying to be friends with? Or, you know, there's so many scenarios that could come into play and I'm not going to be dumb and say, you know, he's never going to do it, but I have to be open to the idea that he's going to anyway. So at least think about this and this and this and what could happen if you do it while you're driving around in a car with three friends or, you know.

Exactly.

Or if you were at somebody's house and their parents weren't there and you guys are just chilling, playing video games or something. That's. I'd rather that than them driving around or, you know, hiding out or being at a party or doing something like, you know, yeah, so exactly. I just, in a very smooth way, try to get them to just think about what could happen.

And, yeah, dude, I love that. Because you know what you did? You created an emotionally safe environment for your son. That's. That's literally all you did. Which allows him to come to you with whatever it is that he's going through because he feels like it's a safe place. And so that gives me a great idea. The next episode. Let's talk about how to create an emotionally safe environment, because I have a lot of good, practical things on that. Right. And I know you do, too, because you're. You've literally done it. That is evidence that you've done it. How many parents would love for their kid to come to not. Not love for them, but love the act of them trusting them so much that they're like, dude, dad, I. I almost tried a drug, or, hey, I'm really kind of wanting to have sex with this person. What do you. What do you think about that? You mean? It's like, that's. Those are conversations that if we're not having them with our kids, who is the world. You want the world to raise your kid or you want to raise your kid? You know what I'm saying? I want my voice to be the most influential voice in my daughter's life.

I can't. I, as do I, and as does everybody.

Listen.

And I can't wait for that next episode, because all these things are coming to me right now. Like, oh, man, I can't wait to talk about this and this and this, because I've had the sex talks, I've had the drug talks, I've had the. When this happens and that happens and so on and so forth.

It's gonna be a good episode.