Are you in a Toxic Relationship?

Hi everyone, happy March, and welcome to another episode of Hannah Talks About Things. So today I'm not gonna read an article that I wrote for Psychology Today, and instead I want to talk about a topic that has been coming up often in my counseling practice and also with friends. So I wanted to talk about ways that you can tell if you are currently in a toxic relationship and what to do. So a lot of times we view toxic relationships as being overtly abusive, and by overtly I mean physically abusive, but even then we can kind of rationalize and look into, "Well, they only shoved me," or, "They hit me but it wasn't a punch, it was an open palm," etc. So first and foremost, if you are in a physically abusive relationship in any form, then you need to start talking about it now. Now I know that's really difficult to do, especially when the partner can tell you not to talk about it with anyone, or they can apologize over and over and over, and they basically say, you know, "Don't tell anyone because I don't want anyone thinking differently of me," etc. We can come back to abusive relationships. Excuse me while I get comfortable. But we're going to talk about ways to know that you're in a toxic or unhealthy relationship that aren't as overt. And so there's smaller things that, again, over time, it can feel like acupuncture needles in the moment. Now, if you've gotten acupuncture, you may know that those needles you can't really feel. But then when you're laying there on the table and you've got 50 acupuncture needles in you and you move a little bit, you can tell that they're there. They don't hurt when they're going in. And so in a relationship, relationship, we can have these small needles happening over time, and we can tell ourselves, because we love this person, because we're financially dependent on them, because we have children together, because we're afraid of being alone— all of these different reasons— we can tell ourselves the needle doesn't hurt that much, or they're not going to do it again. Often in toxic relationships of any kind, the behavior isn't consistent, so that inconsistency can become really difficult because they may act really loving and healthy and nurturing at one point, and be covertly or overtly controlling, manipulative, passive-aggressive, or gaslighting at other points. And what we can do is we'll hold on to the good times, know that they're coming back, and that helps us get through the bad times. So, ways to identify if you are in a toxic, abusive, unhealthy, or just maladaptive relationship. First and foremost, control. I wanted to talk about control. Now, if you're in a relationship and your partner doesn't let you do certain things, to me that's the first red flag. That even— that loss of autonomy, that loss of being able to make your own decisions and choices. Now in a relationship, of course, we learn that it's important to compromise and talk to our partners about our decisions, but if you feel like you need to ask your partner for, um, for their blessing, if you need to ask them for permission, to me that's a little bit of a red flag. If partners, just like the word partner, it's supposed to be equal parts. Why are you going to your significant other asking them if you can do something? Another one is fear of telling your partner about something because of their response. So, oh, I got a promotion at work, but I don't want to tell my partner because he's going to be jealous or she is going to feel insecure. So that is a way— it's a little more covert control— is if we feel like we can't tell our significant other something, whether it's that we're doing well or maybe we made a poor financial decision and we're afraid of their response, that fear is really something to look into. Um, so again, if you need to ask your significant other for permission, red flag. If you are afraid to tell your significant other something, that can be illuminating that there's a controlling dynamic. Um, you're afraid of their response. Depending on what their response is, that's also really important. Or maybe you feel so much shame in what you did, that's something to look at. You know, the toxicity— I heard it said recently in the book, um, Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, the author Lori Gottlieb quotes, um, you know, "Hell is other people." But one thing that sometimes we forget is that we are also other people. And so we are the hell sometimes. We may be the toxic one in our relationship. So this is not about ways to blame your partner for everything and call them toxic. This is also ways to identify if you are playing an active role in the toxicity of this relationship. Oh, okay. Wow, I'm so used to reading articles that just speaking off the top of my head is way more difficult than it used to be. Okay, so going along the lines of you being the toxic person in the relationship, if you are keeping things from your significant other because you're afraid of the response, is it because you know that you did something you're not supposed to? And I don't mean supposed to like you went and got a car wash without their permission. I mean you're talking to someone, you're having an emotional emotional affair perhaps? Are you spending time with someone that you wouldn't want your significant other to know about? My rule of thumb is if I'm doing anything that if I picture my significant other doing the exact same thing, I feel even a shred of discomfort, that's probably something I shouldn't be doing. So if I'm having secret rendezvous with someone who's just a friend and I pictured, you know, my significant other doing the same thing, like, would I feel jealous? Would I feel uncomfortable? Would I struggle with trust? Then I probably shouldn't be doing that thing. Okay. So control, control is a really big one, and control can be really— I know I talked about control already, but it can be really subtle. Guilting, like, "Well, yeah, of course you can go out with your friends. I just really wanted to hang out just us," but doing so in a way that feels manipulative. Again, whether it's your significant other or you, looking for that feeling of, do I feel like I need to control my significant other to feel secure? Or do I feel like I'm being controlled and that I don't have a voice in my relationship? Those— that can actually be emotional abuse. Going along those lines, gaslighting. Essentially where you or your partner makes you feel crazy for something that just isn't true. Gaslighting is really common. Um, essentially let's say you make a mistake and your significant other calls you out on it and you start turning it around on your significant other and making them feel bad and making them feel crazy, you are gaslighting them. If, if someone says to you, like, "I feel X, Y, and Z," and you say to them, "No, you don't feel that way. That's not true," that is gaslighting. When we rob someone of what their truth is and what their feelings are and we tell them how they should feel, or we make them feel like a crazy person for feeling how they do, that is gaslighting. If you have ever experienced that, where someone's doing that to you, you are being gaslighted. And again, a lot of times with this, these like toxic behaviors that can happen in relationships, we aren't aware that we're doing them, or our significant other may not be aware that they're doing them. I have seldom, if ever, met anyone who is 100% aware that they are being manipulative and potentially abusive. A lot of times this stems from attachment styles with our parents growing up. It stems from how secure we feel with ourselves. It stems from insecurity about the other person, which also is a reflection on how we feel about ourselves, etc. Um, let's see. If you feel like you need to constantly defend yourself or prove yourself to your significant other, that's pretty toxic, right? Um, to feel like you need to show them that you are worthy, that you are good enough, you need to give them reasons to stay. And I'm not I'm not talking in the initial stages of a relationship where that would be a red flag, but I'm talking about you are in this relationship with another person. It's a serious relationship, whatever that means to you, and you still feel like you can't say the wrong thing. You're walking on eggshells. You don't want to upset them. You don't want to push them away. If I'm not being 100% authentic with my significant other, then it's not an authentic relationship because I'm only showing them the parts of me that I want them to see. The representative, you know, if I'm only putting forth my representative and I'm not telling them that I have fear and pain or doubts or whatever, um, I'm not actually being genuine and honest. And so I can still feel lonely. If you feel lonely when you're lying next to your partner at night, that's something to look at. Do you feel like you can talk to them? Do you feel you can be vulnerable with them? Do you feel that they're vulnerable with you? A lot of us didn't learn how to communicate healthily, effectively, or emotionally when we were growing up, and especially in our adult lives. We learn how to deflect with humor. We can learn how to make a joke about something that we feel is real just to see what the response is. Those are all really unhealthy things to do in a relationship, but we're not taught what health is. So coming back to the original point, how to tell if you're in a toxic relationship: do you feel controlled? Do you feel like you have to control the other person? Do you feel not trusted? Have you given them reason not to trust you? That's something I'll always look at. Um, what else? Do you feel gaslit? Do you feel like your partner is emotionally available? This one might piss some people off. You know, can your partner, or can you, talk to the other person about how they feel? What's really going on? Are you allowed to hang out with other people? Uh, of the opposite sex, of the same sex, are you allowed to have friends? The fact that I'm even using the word "allowed" is really important. Um, ooh, here's a good one. Do you feel obligated to have sex? Do you feel like you have to have sex with your partner to keep them around? Do you feel like if you say no, they're going to be upset with you? That is also abusive. This— yeah, I can get into that more at length if you would like me to. Let's see. Hmm. I mean, there's a lot of things to look for in terms of— if you're watching this video with the question, "I wonder if my relationship is toxic," that can be a red flag in and of itself. I always say, and many people may not agree with this, that if you're not an alcoholic, you've probably never questioned whether you're an alcoholic. You know, if you are in a healthy relationship and you feel good and secure and safe and loved and nurtured, you may not be wondering, am I in a toxic relationship? And so if you're watching this video because you're trying to get answers, try and really figure out what is it in my relationship that led me to click this link? What is it that I am struggling with? What am I insecure about? What do I feel unhappy with? Can I broach this subject with my partner without fear that they're gonna get defensive or retaliate or leave? I think sometimes asking ourselves the hard questions is the most difficult part, because once we ask that question, we can't unknow that it's there. I always say, you know, and I heard it somewhere else, like, once I awake— once I am awake to my truth, I could never truly go back to sleep. Which is why sometimes therapy, it's a really painful process. It can be like physical therapy where it hurts before it gets better, because once you know, there's no unknowing. You can put your head in the sand, but ultimately, unless you're allowing yourself to explore and navigate this stuff, it's all gonna be there. I've heard some people say, you know, "I don't want to talk about it because then it makes it more real." It's real already if you're experiencing it, but we're just using defense mechanisms to defend ourselves from the pain of looking at it for what it truly is. So, in summary, how to tell if you're in a toxic relationship: You're make— you're asking yourself that question first and foremost. You don't feel safe physically, emotionally, sexually, mentally. You don't feel good enough, which might have nothing to do with the other person, and it might have to do with your own lack of security and self-worth, in which case you may be making the relationship toxic because you don't have a strong foundation of self, and you're gonna use that other person to get that validation that will never truly make you feel whole, but it will feel like it will in the moment. So that's like a drug. Um, if you feel like you have to walk on eggshells, if you feel like you're unable to speak your truth, if you feel like you have to ask permission, if you feel like you're being controlled, or if you exhibit any of those behaviors. Now it's not as simple as "just don't do that!" I have this great meme on my wall over there that says "when someone says don't be anxious and your anxiety is cured" and it's just this old man going, um, If you're in a toxic relationship or you are the toxic person in your relationship, it's not as simple as just stopping the behavior because the behaviors have served us in one way or another. So I highly recommend you start identifying the problems in your relationship or in yourself or both. You talk to someone about it, and I can't stress this enough, don't ask directions from someone who's never been there. Be mindful of who you're getting your relationship advice from. I'll just leave it there. Um, I, as always, I highly recommend therapy because ideally it is a safe space full of consistency and non-judgment where you will be heard. And a competent therapist will not tell you what to do. A competent therapist will not give you the answers, but they'll just gently ask questions that you begin to answer yourself in a way that you feel safe. If you haven't watched the video, how to find a therapist, this is super easy. Go to psychologytoday.com and type in your zip code and type in your insurance company and scroll through and look at the different therapists. The best way to find a therapist, as a rule of thumb, is word of mouth. So if you know someone that's in therapy, ask them who they see, or ask them for recommendation, or ask them to ask their therapist, etc. Because the reality is that if you're in a toxic relationship, and you are in love with someone's potential, right? You hope that it's going to get better. It's not guaranteed that it will. Often the red flags in the beginning of a relationship are the same red flags that will continue to pop up throughout the relationship. And a lot of times we hold on to the hope of something different. But in your current relationship, if you look at your partner, can— if they never changed, would you, would you be happy in the relationship? If you let go of the hope and sometimes illusion that they are going to change and grow, or that you will, would you still want to stay? What happens is often we'll stay in relationships, we'll stay in dynamics that are toxic or unhealthy or one-sided or don't serve us because we think that the other person's gonna change when so far there's been zero evidence that they are going to. And that, that falls back on us. Why are we staying? If you look at your partner and you take away how they treat you and how they are great to you, if they are, ideally, do you love that person for who they are? Not contingent on the way they make you feel. Or are you in love with the fact that they're in love with you? That's also not sustainable. There's a lot of reasons why people cheat. There's a lot of reasons why people stray outside of their marriage or relationship. And one of the main ones is that we're not getting what we need from our current relationship. And so you are just as much responsible as the other person for communicating, for setting boundaries, for going to therapy, for going to couples counseling, for leaving. And if you feel unsafe to leave for a variety of reasons, again, like, please contact a professional, get other people involved, because you are not alone. Whew, okay, well, this was 15 minutes, and— ah, yeah, okay, bye.