Boundaries & People Pleasing

Hi everyone and welcome to another episode of Hannah Talks About Things. So it's been a little while, I think maybe just over a week since I made one of these videos, and you may or may not have noticed that I have been a little MIA on social media. So my Instagram is temporarily deactivated, um, I am not really on Facebook, it's still activated because this page, Hannah Rose LCPC, is connected to it, um, I don't have Snapchat, and yeah, you may be wondering You're probably not wondering, but you may be wondering, why are you MIA? If I'm tagging you in memes, why aren't you liking them? And it's because I've been reading this book called How to Break Up with Your Phone, and it's really, really incredible. And I'm probably gonna make a whole video on this experience, kind of detaching with love from my phone, um, and social media specifically, but just my phone in general. And I'll make a video about that, I think, when not only am I done with the book, but when it's been a little while. I think it's been about a week, maybe a little bit longer since this like phone cleanse. And it's been pretty incredible. Um, and I'm noticing a lot of things. And anyway, one of the things that I've noticed is my ability to set better boundaries. So I've talked about this topic in the past. Um, you know, what blocks us from setting boundaries with people, what blocks us from speaking our truth, essentially like the last video was all about what is blocking us. So this short video is going to be specifically about boundaries and why they're hard. So One definition of boundaries emotionally can be where my responsibility ends and someone else's begins. So if I wanna invite you to a party and I'm thinking, well, I don't wanna invite you because what if you feel like you have to come? And what if you feel like X, Y, and Z? I am blatantly overstepping my boundaries. Cuz the reality is that my responsibility is on my side of the street. It's either inviting you, not inviting you, communicating something, not communicating something, but how you respond to that boundary is your responsibility. His responsibility. How you respond to that invitation is your responsibility. So I'm gonna ask a couple of rhetorical questions. Um, one, do you have a hard time telling people no? And again, as always, um, if you wanna whip out like a piece of paper or the Notes app on your phone and just write down some of these answers, it may be helpful moving forward just to track your own progress with emotional growth. So the first one, do you have difficulty telling people no? Um, what else? Let's see. Do you often overcompensate and take responsibility for things that you know weren't your responsibility? And this could be at work, this could be in friendships, in your relationships. You know, if someone challenges you, do you typically say, "You're right, and I'll do whatever to make it better," or do you, if the case may be that it's actually maybe someone else plays a role too, are you able to say, "You know, actually, like, I don't feel comfortable taking responsibility for that. Let's have a conversation." Yeah, essentially when I say the word boundary, do you think, yeah, I'm good at that, or do you think, nope, nope, that is not something I'm willing to do? Do you struggle with people pleasing, or are you on the opposite extreme of thinking and saying so often, I don't care what people think about me, so you just blatantly do what you want at all times, never taking into question or taking into account how someone else may feel, right? Either extreme can be really unhealthy and detrimental to our personal relationships. So whether I'm incredibly passive and I just say yes and go with the flow, 'cause I don't want to upset anyone, or I'm never taking anyone else's needs or feelings into consideration, those are two very, very, very unhealthy extremes. But what I'm gonna do is focus on the more passive side today, because that seems to be a lot more common, is we often can live in fear of what people think of us. And if I say no, or if I do this differently, or if I, you know, try to take a step back from this friendship, am I gonna be liked? Is that person gonna be mad at me? I'll ask you this: do you often ask yourself, what if they're mad at me? If so, there may be some people-pleasing and maybe even codependency in there. What that means is that we are essentially trading our authenticity for approval, like Brené Brown says, and we can really, really cultivate these deep-seated resentments towards the people in our lives. And the reality is that we are the common common denominator. And that doesn't mean that anything that's ever happened to us, like, we've signed up for, but it does mean if you have a pattern of feeling inadequate or less than in your relationships, be it friendships or significant relationships, if you feel like you're constantly the one to give more and that your relationships are very one-sided, at a certain point we can't just sit back and blame the people in our lives. We need to look at what it is in us that is continuously signing up for these relationships. So just like my last video was about what is blocking you from connection, let's Let's look at what blocks us from setting a boundary. For me, the biggest thing that blocks me from setting a boundary is fear. Fear that I'm going to cause harm, or if I'm really honest with myself, fear that you're gonna be mad at me. Fear that I'm gonna be disliked. Fear that maybe you're gonna talk shit about me. And when I really play those fears through, it's worth kind of noting, is my own personal happiness, contentment, authenticity more important than my fear of what you're gonna think or feel or say. And if I really get honest about that, the reality is that people pleasing just leads me to feel more trapped, to be in dynamics that I feel obligated to be in, and it's a really tough balance. It's a tough balance to learn how to set boundaries and speak your truth, but also not just recklessly cause harm. Being direct is difficult. So if someone says, "Hey, I feel like, you know, you're kind of distant. What's going on?" It's easier to say, "What do you mean? No, I'm not!" than it is to say, "Honestly, I feel like we're drifting apart," or, "You know what? I'm kind of unhappy with some of these interactions, and I think I want to take a step back." That's terrifying. I don't know about you, but like, I am very uncomfortable being direct and boundaried. And it's getting better, but it doesn't get easier. And I think it's important to note that often we tell ourselves with boundaries and with people pleasing, we construct these narratives of, "Well, this is just how I am." This is just how I am. Oh yeah, I'm really passive. Oh yeah, I'm really people pleasing. I'm super codependent. And rather than just internalize that narrative and accept it in this passive way, why don't we do something about it? And so for me, that means actively leaning into the discomfort of trying new things, of setting boundaries, of being direct, of actually looking at what do I want? What do I want in my relationships? What do I want in my friendships? Um, And if someone's going to react badly to that or negatively, that's their journey and it doesn't have to be mine to take on. It doesn't mean be a total asshole and cause harm left and right, but it also doesn't mean catering to everyone else's needs, caretaking everyone else, saying, "You know what? Here's what I want and here's what feels authentic, but I'm gonna put this over here because I just wanna keep it really smooth." Are you the type of person that says, "I just don't do conflict. I avoid conflict," and that's fine? Is it fine? Because at the end of the day, how much time do you spend wishing you could have been honest? How much time do you spend resenting the people in your life for walking all over you or for not taking your needs or wants into account? It may be easier to avoid conflict in the moment, but the reality is that it really just adds to this decreased quality of life. Because what we're doing is we're putting on this mask, trying to meet people where they're at, questioning our own worth, and all of these things come together. And there's a video I made that I think I'm gonna redo and kind of revamp a couple months ago called Why Your Relationships Suck, which is very harsh and a little clickbait, uh, but one of the reasons is that we don't know how to set boundaries for fear of the other person getting mad, talking shit, or leaving. And the reality is, if the people that I'm keeping around in my life are only there because I'm stifling my truth and trying to meet them at the level of their needs, are those authentic friendships? I truly believe that loneliness can stem from a lack of authenticity in our relationships. And so, you know, what blocks me from being authentic? And often it's fear. And if I'm in dynamics with any friends that I feel fearful to say how I really feel, then what part of me is signing up for that friendship? Usually it's a part of me that feels obligated, that feels guilty. That's a really common experience too. When we learn how to set boundaries, it's like, We can do it and be like, okay, yeah, I'm doing it, and then feel really, really guilty about it. And that's okay. Show up for that feeling. Try to explore what's going on there. Like, where is that guilt coming from? You know, for me, caretaking— I mean, I went into a profession that is all about holding space for people and listening to people's problems and troubles and traumas and grief and loss and experiences, and I absolutely love it. But unless I'm boundaried, that dynamic of being the caretaker is going to seep into every other area of my life. And the reality is that I don't need to do anything that I don't want to do. A very wise woman said that to me once. She said, Hannah, you know, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. And it was like, what do you mean? I can say no. I can, you know, actually stop and pause and say, let me get back to you. I'm going to figure out what I want, what I need. Um, it's super empowering to start to set boundaries with people in our lives. The holidays are coming up. Setting boundaries with family is a very real thing. And often we tell ourselves, I can't, they're my family. Why can't you? Because you never have? Because it's uncomfortable? Because it feels weird? Because they might get mad at you? Because they might guilt you? That sounds like a them problem. As harsh as that sounds, all we can do is continue to show up and live our truth, do what's comfortable for us. Lean into the discomfort of setting boundaries, and we find that our quality of life becomes so much richer because we're not exhausting needless energy trying to meet everyone else's needs. So that's my spiel on boundaries. I think I'm actually gonna make like a series of videos right now because I am wearing sweatpants, but I'm wearing a work cardigan. So I'm just gonna make a bunch of videos right now. Stay tuned for more on why your relationships are in trouble. I'm also gonna talk about the phone thing and really just detaching from my phone and the need to constantly pick it up and check and notifications and all these things. I'm just gonna talk about what my experience has been like so far, and I'll probably loop around and make another video about it once I'm completed with the book. Completed? Once I finish the book. Anyway, have a wonderful Friday and stay tuned for the next video. Okay, bye!