Breaking Down the 12 Steps

Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of Hannah Talks About Things. So I've had a couple requests for this topic. I've been hesitant because it's more of a niche— a niche— niche? Like quiche? I don't know. Okay, it's more of a niche topic, but I do believe that everybody in the world could benefit from it. So I'm here today to talk about the 12 steps. So you may be familiar with various 12-step programs. Some of the most common are the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, 12 steps of Narcotics Anonymous, we have Codependents Anonymous. And so the wording of the 12 steps varies just a little bit, but they are in essence exactly the same. So I'm gonna give a breakdown of what the 12 steps are and what has been taught to me about the 12 steps. So I am a firm believer that you don't need to be someone in recovery from addiction, from codependency, from anything to apply some of the principles behind the 12 steps. Steps and better your life. So often some of the questions I receive are, okay, but how do I get to a place of self-esteem? And how do I start to trust others? And how do I deconstruct some of my past wounds in order to live wholeheartedly? And, you know, my answer is typically the same. Um, it's we have to continuously step into the discomfort enough times until we become comfortable with it and essentially identify what our core issues are and then deconstruct them. So the first part of any problem-solving process is identifying the problem. And so this is what we're going to do with a deconstruction of the 12 steps. I'm going to use the wording that is original from Alcoholics Anonymous, but I will make a point to talk about how you can change the wording a little bit to suit whatever it is are your needs or your specific areas of discomfort and feel like you need to grow. So With that, welcome. Okay, so the 12 steps, there's 12 of them, and the first one is admitted that we are powerless over alcohol and that our lives have become unmanageable. So change the word alcohol with anything you want. Admitted that we are powerless over drugs, admitted that we are powerless over nicotine, over binge eating, over how much Netflix we watch, admitted that we are powerless over other people. People, right? So if you struggle with control, and that may be more overt, like trying to control other people, or more covert— and what to me what that looks like is trying to change yourself in order to kind of alter the outcome, right? So if I am hustling my worthiness for approval, right, I'm essentially trading my authenticity for your approval. That is a form of control. I'm trying to control what you think of me. So whatever the case may be, the The first part of this whole process is admitting that I am powerless over it. And as a result of this powerlessness, my life is unmanageable. So I'm gonna go with alcohol. Admitting that I'm powerless over alcohol, a really easy way to do that is make a list of examples. Was there a time that you said you were gonna not drink? Was there a time that you were the designated driver? Right? If we're looking at people, was there a time that you tried to control a person, a place, a thing, anything out of your control? And as a result you felt crazy. Or maybe you kept going back to the same thing and expecting different results. Or if you're anything like me, doing the same thing knowing exactly how it's gonna end up, but doing it anyway. To me, that's just as insane as anything else. So admitted that we were powerless over alcohol, and then there's a dash, and that our lives had become unmanageable. So the unmanageability can be wrapped up with that powerlessness, but it can also exist on its own, which leads us into the rest of the steps. So whether or not I'm drinking, my life is unmanageable because I don't know how to manage it, right? Whether or not I'm in a toxic relationship, my emotions are up and down, right? I'm just trying to give examples that may be more relatable. Whether or not I'm smoking cigarettes, I still feel the need to fill this void inside of me with something outside of me. So again, whether or not you're an addict, these steps can relate to everyone. So identify one thing that you feel this sense of powerlessness over. Are you powerless over how you feel about yourself? Do you feel like your self-worth is contingent on anything outside of you? Accolades, a job, a salary, people blowing smoke in your direction. You know, do you feel like your identity is contingent on what other people think of you? That's powerless to me. So then there's this dash, "and that our lives had become unmanageable." So obviously if you're watching this and you're thinking about something that's been problematic, there may be a level of unmanageability attached. Attached to it. So do you have a hard time putting down the phone and stop buying things on Amazon? Unmanageable, right? And there's varying degrees of unmanageability. If you are currently sitting in any facility where someone is telling you when to eat, when to go to the bathroom, when to wake up, when to go to sleep, I would say that your life's pretty unmanageable because you're literally having other people manage your life for you. And that's typically what I say to people that are currently in a rehab facility. But if you're not, look at your life. Is it manageable? Do you feel like, you know what, things are okay externally? It's part 1. Part 2: How are things internally? Am I prone to fear and mistrust and self-deprecation? Am I a victim of my own shame and resentment, right? How much of the day do I spend on my phone scrolling through people's social media and judging them and then living in fear that they judge me? Maybe you can relate to some of this, maybe you can't. But anyway, so that's the first step. I need to first acknowledge that there is some kind of problem. So less extreme but more common. Hmm, let's see. Let's say you're in a friendship that you feel totally obligated to be in, and it's just one that checks the boxes, but you feel like you can't say no to them because then they're gonna be mad at you. I would say there's a level of powerlessness in there, and your life may be unmanageable as a result because you feel fear, you feel like you have to walk on eggshells, you feel like you have to say I don't know how to say the right thing, et cetera. Okay, so that's step 1. I'm powerless. My life's unmanageable. Now, even when I remove myself from said thing, right, alcohol, drugs, the relationship, the unmanageability still lives on in me. Self-centered fear, right? Fear of what people think. Um, not able to be authentic. Maybe I'm spending so much money cuz I'm trying to fill the void where a relationship was, et cetera. You get my point. So that's step 1. Pick something that you feel powerless over and admit your life's kind of unmanageable as a result of it. So if I'm powerless over something— this is gonna be the part where I lose many viewers— that means I need a power greater than myself, right? So most people that have a hard time with the 12 steps do so, or experience difficulty, due to the God part. So I was always taught you don't have to believe in God, you just have to believe that you're not God. And what that means is that whatever level of spiritual or religious or completely atheist or agnostic you are, it doesn't actually matter. You just have to acknowledge that you cannot control everything everything in your life. And so I really struggled with the spirituality of the program until it was said to me, "Listen, you don't have to believe in God, Hannah Rose. You just have to believe that you're not God." And I was like, "Hmm, alright, I'll bite. What next?" So the second step is came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. So if you're not in recovery, again, you may be like, "I don't know how that has to do with me," and so I'll ask you to skip until probably step 4 and 5. But if you are in recovery or you're open to spirituality and possibly religion, then stay with me. So, came to believe— that means I don't just wake up one day and say, oh, I believe in God now. It's a process, right? I came to believe that a power greater than me, be it the rooms of the 12-step programs or the universe— for me, it's very much like the universe and energy and like karma and stuff like that, it just works for me— came to believe that something outside of me could restore me to sanity. Now, if I'm thoroughly working this step step, that means that I need to first acknowledge that my thoughts, feelings, behaviors, etc. have been insane. And so again, make a list. And I will say in step 1, if you like making lists and you're kind of studious, first list is ways that I'm powerless over fill in the blank. And then list 2 is ways that my life is unmanageable when I was engaging in that, and also ways that my life's unmanageable now, even when I'm not engaging in it. Right? So it's either 2 or 3 lists. Step 2, the list is tell me about your insanity, right? Write ways that are examples of your insanity. Do you keep returning to the same toxic relationship? Do you keep repeating patterns in relationships? And to anyone else who's not really looking at themselves, because we all have our own things, right? But to anyone else, your behavior seems insane. Write down those things. Why do I keep going back to the same person? Why do I keep drinking when I know I'm gonna get in a blackout and get a DUI, etc., etc.? Whatever it may be. What is the insanity in your life? So coming to believe that in a higher power, right? Nature, love, the universe, God, Jesus, Moses, Allah. I don't know. The cool thing about the 12 steps is, and you'll find this in the second, the next step, it says, turned our will in our lives or to the care of God as we understood him or her. It says him, but, or her, right? So step 2 is came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Sanity. Do you really believe that you need to be restored to sanity? Is your behavior, are your thoughts, your feelings insane? Figure that out. That's step 2. It really helped me to look at the insanity just on paper. Like, there's no rationalizing at a certain point. So step 3: made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood it, or him. It says him, all right? So I am making a decision, and That's decisive, right? It's pretty definitive. I am making a decision to say I don't know what's best for me. As competent as I am in all areas of my life, that competency goes out the frickin window when it comes to whatever it is that I'm powerless over. So I am making a decision to let go of the wheel. Jesus, take the wheel, or whatever, and say I don't know what's best for me. I'm gonna try to go a different route, and you people who have worked the 12 steps seem to have what I want and in that you're not miserable, your lives are not unmanageable, and you seem pretty darn sane to me, so I'm gonna just take suggestions kind of blindly. And so God as we understood him— and again, that means that whatever you believe in or don't believe in is fine. You don't have to believe in Jesus, you don't have to believe in Moses, right? You don't have to— I'm pointing not because I am Moses, but because I'm Jewish. Um, you don't have to believe in anything. You just have to believe that that God isn't you. I'm going as quickly as I can, but the next step is really, really, really pivotal. And so this is where we go from kind of intangible, like, motive and intention-driven— like, I'm admitting I'm powerless, I'm coming to believe in a power greater than myself that could restore me to sanity, and now I'm making a decision. This decision is really going to be kind of more concrete when I take action as a result. So the best way to work a step 3 is to go right into step 4. Again, this is my opinion. This is what I've been taught. People have different opinions on this. And so before I move on to step 4, which gets a really bad rep in the 12 steps— people are like, 'Oh, the 4th step, I sat on it for months.' And it's like, it's nothing you don't already know, but I'll get to that in a second. In the 3rd step, something that can really help kind of explore where you do lie on kind of the spirituality scale is, 'What do I want the qualities of my higher power to have?' because I get to choose that, which is pretty cool, right? Do I want a God that is punishing and judgmental? For me, no. I want to believe in the universe to be loving and caring and patient, but also persistent, you know, not giving up on me, not shaming me, not that. And so I get to choose. So make a list of the qualities that you want your higher power to have, if you want a higher power. So step 3, if I'm really making a decision to just say, you know what, F it, I'm gonna go trust this process, then I'm gonna jump right into step 4. I have typically worked with people in a 12-step involvement arena who I tell them, you know, write one thing down, at least one thing down every day, like physically write it down and put it in a box or a jar or something so you are physically getting into the habit of letting things go. And although it sounds kind of corny, it's really helpful because again, the first 3 steps are pretty intangible and abstract and For me, I really like more concrete, like, what am I doing? So write down whatever it is that is that unmanageability and powerlessness. So step 4: made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Now, if you want to learn more about any of this stuff, you can get the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, you can get the Basic Text or the Step Working Guide of Narcotics Anonymous, you can get The Codependent's Guide to the 12 Steps, which I highly recommend. It's on Amazon. It's by Melody Beattie. For all people, addict, alcoholic, or not. And you can look more into this. So I'm going to be quoting directly the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, which is, which is their basic text. So, in it, it says, "A business that doesn't take regular inventory will surely go bad." Right? And what that means is that if I own a grocery store and I'm not taking inventory of the produce that's getting rotten, I'm not taking inventory of the things we need more of and the things that no longer serve us, then that grocery store is not going to stay afloat, right? I don't know a lot about running businesses, but I'm pretty sure that's the case. And so this searching and forlorn— fearless moral inventory of ourselves is about looking inward and saying, okay, what no longer serves me? And I'm gonna do a brief breakdown of what the fourth step is, because every time I lecture about this at my place of work, there seems to be a lot of misconceptions. Most people in recovery believe that the fourth step is about resentments. The reality is that there's a lot more to it. So there are 3 separate parts of the 4th step. The first part, and this is straight out of the Big Book, are resentments. And so you get a piece of paper or a notebook or whatever you want, and you make some columns. The first column is gonna be who or what do you resent. Resentment is not just angry, right? Oh, this person cut me off and I'm angry at them now on the road. Resentment stems from resentment, which means continuing to feel something that has since passed. So a resentment is more visceral and it really can eat us up, right? It's like the quote from, I believe, the Buddha, which is resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. And most of us live with tons of resentments. Now, if you are in recovery, it does say in the Big Book that resentments are the number one offender and kill more addicts and alcoholics than anyone else because we drink over resentment. I drink at you. Right? I'm gonna use at you. And so resentments need to be felt and worked through. Now, that's a really big misconception as well. I think often in recovery we tell ourselves, well, I'm not supposed to have any resentment, and that's not the case. We are supposed to work through our resentments. And if we tell ourselves, oh, I don't have any resentment, we really may just be shoving it down and not dealing with it. An old friend of mine, Scotty, used to say, Hannah, you have to feel, deal, and heal. And it has to go in that order. I need to feel my pain, my resentment, my grief, whatever it is, before I'm able to deal with it and as a result heal from it. So column 1: who or what do I resent? What can mean people, places, institutions, ideas. Who or what do I resent? List of people, list of things, list of anything. That's the first column. Pretty simple. Column 2 is why. Why do I resent this person? And the Big Book says, be careful. It doesn't say be careful, but it says, remember, this is your inventory and not theirs, which means I am not supposed to write a novel about why I resent this person. I am just supposed to say, trim the fat, lay on the plane, right? In like the crux of the dip is that I resent this person because X. Try to make it as succinct as possible. Again, you can look at the Big Book for an example there. So part 1 or column 1 is who or what do I resent? Column 2 is why, right? No details, no whatever, just why do I resent them? Column 3 is what does it affect in me? And it gives you a list of things to choose from, right? And you can do this however you want, but does it affect my pride, my self-esteem, my personal relationships, my sexual relationships, my pocketbook, right? My finances, my security. What is this resentment affecting in me? So who do I resent? Why do I resent them? What does this resentment affect? And then the fourth column, which is really helpful to do with another person— in recovery we're taught to do this with our sponsors, even though that doesn't say it in the Big Book because sponsors didn't exist in 1939 when the Big Book was written, but that's okay. We do this with another person because we can't always think our way out of our own insanity. So we start to look at our part, taking out what the other person did, taking that out of our mind. What is our part in the resentment? Now, I will say, if you have ever been the victim of any level of abuse or trauma, your task is not to say, how did I ask for this, right? Our task is not to victim shame. We can look at what is my part in holding on to this resentment for X amount of years or decades, right? Because we know that time does not heal all wounds. But for our other resentments, we say, what's my part, right? Was it my fear? Was it my self-sabotage? Was it my expectations, right? For me, 99% of my resentments stem from my expectations that other people should act the way I do. That's my part. That has more to do with me than anyone else. So that's the fourth step: made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Oh, oh my God, no, it's not. That's just the first part. So I said there's three parts. Again, reiterating one more time: column 1, who or what do I resent? Column 2, why do I resent that? Column 3, what does this resentment affect? Column 4, what's my part in the resentment? Okay, so that's part 1 of the 4th step. Part 2 is a fears list. You literally just write a list of things that you are afraid of. It can be quite illuminating when there's a lot of catch-22s, like fear of success, fear of failure, fear of commitment, fear of abandonment, right? Just set an intention if that's your thing, pray if that's your thing, to be searching and fearless, and just write down a list of fears. This doesn't have to be perfect because all you can do is is as good as you could do in any given moment. So you just write down a list of fears. That's part 2. Part 3, and a lot of you are not gonna like this, is sex conduct. It's an inventory of your relationships, right? So whether it was sexual physically or an emotional affair or whatever, whatever it may be, right? The best is to talk to someone that's been through the 12 steps. Um, you— I was taught you make a list of people that you have slept with or dated or been with in any capacity And we start to look at our patterns, right? Did I evoke jealousy, suspicion, or bitterness? Was this experience selfish? Was it more about me than it was about them, right? And again, we kind of look at our patterns, not I'm a victim of my own life because everyone leaves me and everyone does this, and oh, I just have a bad picker, right? See my video on why your relationships suck. It's really so much more of our own personal narrative of, oh, I'm just bad at commitment, which is a major cop-out. Get your people on paper, look at the patterns. You are the only common denominator in all of your relationships. So those are the 3 parts of the 4th step: resentment, fear, sex conduct. And as a little extra credit, this is written in the Big Book, but it doesn't say to write it down, so a lot of people don't. But what I was taught is make a list of ideals, taking your current relationship out of your minds if you're in one. What is a list of ideals that you want in a relationship? Do we have standards, right? Emotional availability, humor, intelligence, the ability to have fun, security with self, right? Like, what are, what are some things you want in a partner? What are some things you want in a relationship? And then the kicker is that we are to emanate those things because we attract people that are on our level of sanity. So if I am being all of those things, I am more likely to attract someone that values those things. So our task is not to go find someone that meets those this cookie-cutter mold of our ideals list. That is the fourth step. Ooh, the sixth step— oh, fifth, I missed one— is admitted to God, our higher power of the universe, to ourselves, and to another person the exact nature of our wrongs. So the fifth step is very vulnerable, right? We take our written fourth step to a sponsor, a close friend, a clergy member, whatever you want, maybe your therapist, and go through the entire thing. Right, all those nooks and crannies of our past, all the things we're ashamed of, because we're only as sick as our secrets. It's really true. That's the fifth step. The sixth step is we're entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character. So we look at our fourth step and talking to another person about it, we find out what are our character defects. Now, Melody Beattie, who wrote The Codependent Guide to the Twelve Steps, says she doesn't like the phrase character defects because we're not defective, and she chooses to see them as wounds. I am wounded and these are my survival skills because of my wounds, right? So if I was taught early on to not feel my feelings, me being emotionally unavailable is not a defect per se, but it's a wound from my childhood. So we start to think about what are the things that no longer serve us? What are my character defects? What are my wounds? We can also focus on our character assets. What are my strengths, right? And so 6 and 7 are clumped together a lot. We're entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. And then step 7 is humbly ask him to remove our shortcomings. Now there's a great book for those of you in recovery called Drop the Rock, and it's not 12-step program approved per se, but it's written by people that are in 12-step programs, and it's their experiences with steps 6 and 7. How do I humbly ask God to remove my shortcomings? Because the 7-step prayer is not, alright God, remove gossip from me, and remove this from me. The 7-step prayer in the Big Book is, I offer all of myself to you, the good and the bad. And so what that means— again, you don't have to believe in God, it's mostly intention setting, right? I really love yoga, and in yoga we set an intention at the beginning of class. So my intention is to be here now, or my intention is to be non-judgmental. This can be really like that, right? I'm setting an intention to be more cognizant of my character defects, but I'm not supposed to pick and choose what to turn over to my higher power. I'm just supposed to say, "All right, I don't know. I am not running the show anymore." Like, I have a history of being pretty impulsive, and there's been times where that impulsivity has really served me. And so if I were to say, "I'm gonna stop being impulsive," it's like, it's not always in my control. And so again, intention setting, letting go of the wheel, etc. So that's steps 6 and 7. I'm moving this this way. I have the 12 steps up here just so that, um, on my computer. Just so that if I mess one up, people won't comment and be like, "You said it wrong!" And I'll be like, "Ah!" Not that that happens, but still. Okay, so if you're still with me, know that again, so far the only step that has mentioned alcohol or drugs or people or that thing specifically that you are powerless over is step 1. Everything else is about just getting better as a human being. So step 8 is made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to. To them all. Step 8 and Step 9, which is the actual amends, are different. Step 8 is just making a list. I'm making a list of every single person I've harmed. Whew, God. Be careful not to drift into morbid reflection, like the Big Book says about Step 10, which we'll get to, because that's not helpful, right? If I continue shaming myself, like, oh my God, I've hurt so many people, I'm a bad person. Don't jump on that shame train. Just, we're acknowledging it, like, wow, huh, I've been reckless, I have been harmful. I am now working on it. And so Step 8, we can often look back to Step 4, and a lot of those people we resent will be on our Step 8 list. So again, make a list of all people we had harmed, became willing to make amends to them all. It doesn't mean you will, it just means we're willing. Step 9: Make direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. So this is really important. Um, again, if you're not in recovery and you don't have a basic text or a Big Book to look at and a sponsor, go about this with care. We are not supposed to make amends to everyone. There are people I've been taught your living amends is to stay away from them because you really caused harm. Check your motives, right? As a go-to, ask yourself that fourth step question about sex conduct: is this selfish or not? Am I making amends because I want to clear my conscience and feel better about myself, or am I making amends because I really want to help them and I feel like I'm— they deserve it, right? And so we have to be really cognizant of that. If making amends means I would cause more harm than do good, then we don't do it. And so there's a lot of gray area there, and it's helpful to talk to people that have been through it. But again, we get to make amends. We get to clear our side of the street. We get to stop living in fear. It's really awesome. Step 10, my personal favorite: continue to take personal inventory. And here's the hard part: and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. So it's not just about inventory. It's about admitting that you're wrong promptly. Like, hey, sorry, I just snapped at you. I was hangry. I don't know if you can relate, but that's something that I do. So there are awesome resources for this. There's an app for it, but we take personal inventory, and I'll get there in a second because it's technically step 11. We take personal inventory, right? Like, God, am I being selfish? Am I being resentful? I begin my day by pausing. Not always, by the way. I don't always do this, but by pausing and setting intentions and trying to pause before getting reactive, and I stopped trying to run the show, and I find I have a lot more energy because I'm not trying to arrange life to suit me. It says that in the Big Book. I love Step 10. Step 11: sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for the knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out. Oh, that's a mouthful. Hold on. So sought through prayer and meditation— again, whether it's hitting your knees and praying to God, whether it's going to yoga, whether it's doing a daily reading in the morning No matter what it is, like, I always was taught like prayer's talking to God and meditation is listening. Like, do whatever works for you. I love the app Calm, like I am calm. It is incredible in terms of guided meditations and all this other stuff because I am like the millions of people that say, oh, I'm just bad at meditation. No one is good at meditation. No one just sits down and says, oh man, has a completely clear head. The practice of mindfulness is non-judgmental awareness. And mindfulness is not about clearing your head of all thought. It's about noticing, noticing what comes up and noticing without judgment. So I love Step 11. And the app for the inventory, which is Step 10, but in the Big Book it's really actually Step 11, it's called My Spiritual Toolkit. And I use this often, almost every day. And it's the breakdown of the questions to ask yourself at night before you go to bed in an app form where you can like click yes and no and then expand on it, and then you can text it to someone if you want to. It's super awesome. So it says, uh, before we retire at night, we go through our day. Were we resentful? Yes or no. Dishonest? Selfish? Afraid? Do I owe amends? Have I kept something to myself which I should really talk to someone else about right away? Was I thinking about myself most of the time, or was I thinking about what I could pack into the stream of life? Right? And so this Practice makes us super aware. So when I'm gossiping, I'm like really aware in the moment of like, oh, I don't want to put this on my 10th step or 11th. And it doesn't mean I always stop, it doesn't mean I'm perfect, but before I go to bed at night, kind of taking a mental note of what I did well and what I want to work on really helps me grow day by day, and it's super awesome. Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps— so that's the promise of the 12 steps— steps, and a spiritual awakening— we'll get there, actually. So having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs. So first and foremost, you don't just have to help alcoholics, you can help whoever you want. I'm going to look up the 12 principles— not of animation— cuz oftentimes we talk about practicing these principles in all our affairs, but like we don't actually know what the principles are. So I'm going to tell you. So the 12 principles of AA. Oh, I can buy this for $2.99. Honesty, hope, action, courage, integrity, willingness, humility, brotherly love, discipline, perseverance, spiritual awareness, and service to others, right? So think about those. Am I practicing integrity at work and at home? Do I have discipline in all areas of my life? No. Uh, brotherly love, right? In the 12 steps It talks a lot about, um, it talks once about it, but I think about it a lot, how love and tolerance is our code. I forget that every day, right? My code is not to judge you and think I'm better than you or worse than you and gossip about you and character assassinate. My code is to have love and tolerance for my fellows. It's really helpful to remember that. And so a spiritual experience can be defined as a significant alteration in our reaction to life. So again, if you are like 10 out of 10 atheist, that's fine too. If you're changing, like, wow, I used to be really reactive and angry and judgmental and now I'm not— awesome! Like, that is so much growth, which I think is great. So that is the 12 steps in a nutshell. It has been almost 30 minutes and I just tried to crush those 12 steps, but it's really hard. I can talk about each step for at least an hour, but this was the condensed version. So if you are in recovery yourself, yourself, but just feel like, I don't know, you just wanted to hear a breakdown of the 12 steps if you haven't already. If you're new and you're like, what are the 12 steps? I don't understand. People always talk about them, but like, what if you work in a treatment field, right? I know so many people that work in treatment and they always have questions about, okay, but what is step 11? What is step 4? And it's so important to be really educated on the 12 steps if you work in a facility that really kind of not promotes per se, but encourages 12-step involvement. Or maybe you're just a human being that has some unmanageability in your life and you want to better yourself. I encourage you, especially The Codependent's Guide to the 12 Steps, I encourage you to work them, um, because most people struggle with relationships and self-esteem across the board. Most of my videos are about shame and self-esteem, people pleasing, boundaries, and it's because whether or not you're in recovery, like, welcome to the human experience. This stuff is It's hard. And so I think the 12 steps are a really useful tool to look at what am I powerless over? How can I start to let go of some control and maybe have some faith in the universe, in other people? I don't know, maybe not other people, but etc. Can I do a written inventory, right? If you are in therapy, you probably have been given homework, not always written homework, but if your therapist does any level of CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy, there's homework involved. I don't know how many clients I've had that have said, okay, but what can I work on this week? And I'm like, okay, so if you like this kind of stuff, like personal growth, do a fourth step. And you can look up online like AA, NA, CA, whatever, fourth step worksheet. There's like worksheets and stuff just to help you work through your stuff. 6 and 7, right? What are my character defects? How is it that I'm always the one in the middle of drama? What is it about me? Remembering we are not the victim of our own lives. Maybe there was a time that you were a victim. You're not a victim anymore. You are an adult. And what are you gonna do about this stuff instead of creating the same patterns and then complaining about them? What are you going to do? And then 10, 11, and 12, right? Like, am I going— 9 and 10, or 8 and 9, right? Like, amends. Who have I harmed? And I don't need people's forgiveness to feel like I need to forgive myself, but it's really awesome when that happens. I have a lot of articles about self-forgiveness. And if you need to forgive yourself for something, even if everyone on this planet forgives you for it, that doesn't mean you'll forgive yourself. So it's not about seeking forgiveness and approval from others, but it is about clearing our side of the street. If you struggle with self-esteem, to have self-esteem you need to do esteemable things. It is so simple, but we really struggle with that, right? And so I'll also end with this. It's my favorite quote. I quote it in every lecture that I give. Like professionally, and it's Rumi, the Persian poet. Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. So your task is not to seek love or health or self-esteem. Your task is not to seek sobriety. Your task is not to seek God. Your task is to stop seeking outside of you and to look internally and say, what is blocking me from this? And I believe that 12 steps could be a really useful tool to do that. So I hope this was helpful for you, and if it wasn't, that's cool too. You just listened to me talk for 33 minutes. Have a wonderful rest of your Sunday, or whatever day it is when you're watching this, and I will see you next time I make a video. I won't see you because I'm just talking to my screen, but— okay, bye!