Dealing with Shame 101

All right, this is take 4 because every single time I start to record a video I get really uncomfortable and awkward and like stutter and then I delete it. So I'm gonna start this video by saying how awkward and uncomfortable I am, and that way in the spirit of vulnerability maybe I'll just kind of embrace it. So hi everyone, my name is Hannah Rose. I am a licensed clinical professional counselor and I just started private practice at The Rotunda in Hamden, which is in Baltimore, Maryland. You probably know this already if you're following this page, but I know I'm doing a live question and answer session on Sunday, but I also wanted to start doing this thing where every single time I post an article, I make a video to go along with it. And it's just gonna be a brief summary. I think some of us are visual learners, some of us do a lot better, you know, reading it in front of us, some of us do better hearing it and also seeing and having that visual of someone talking to them. So that's what I'm gonna do right now. I haven't planned anything at all. I'm just gonna practice what I preach by speaking from the heart. I'm used to lecturing to groups of people or doing trainings for clinicians, like at least 40, 50 people, and for some reason I'm more nervous right now just sitting in my empty, new, unfurnished office making a video. But here goes. So my most recent post is called "The Shame Shitstorm." Sorry for my language. Also, I need to drink some coffee. And to summarize, I'm a firm believer that shame is at the core of everything that keeps us sick. And what that means is that if I don't believe I'm worthy of love, I'm never going to accept it, right? If I don't believe I'm worthy of forgiveness or of a good job or of a good salary, right? I'm going to accept any kind of treatment from others or any kind of circumstance in my life that validates that core belief. So basically, and this is everything that's in the article, right? Shame is I feel bad and guilt is I am bad. And those are two really, really different emotional processes. And a lot of times A lot of times we'll say things— I'm going to take these off so that I don't have to see myself and then I'll feel better. A lot of times we say things like, "Yeah, I have a lot of guilt and shame." Well, okay, so which one is it? You know, guilt, I feel really badly that, you know, I cheated on my significant other. That's guilt. That's actually healthy. Guilt is motivating. And this is research done by Dr. Brené Brown, who I quote often, but I've actually taken a lot of her ideas and just kind of run with it. And so while her research is at the core of a lot of my opinions and ideas, I have molded some of them to be more of what I believe to be true based on my personal and professional experience. That being said, so guilt is I feel bad. Let's say I feel badly for cheating on my significant other. That is actually a healthy feeling. You know, it's remorse. Congrats, you're not a sociopath. Shame is I am bad. I am a bad person. I'm incapable of love and commitment. I wrote an article not that long ago which was a very clickbait title called Why Your Relationships Suck and, you know, one of the case conceptualizations is the person that says, "I'm just bad at relationships. I just don't do commitment." And I laugh because I've been that person. I've absolutely done that in the past. And the reality is that no one is inherently just bad at something, except maybe math. I can go into that another time. So it's just a huge cop-out. It's a shame narrative. "Oh, I'm just bad at commitment." It's a way to protect yourself from dealing with the mountain of unresolved pain and potentially trauma that you've had. For me, it was getting dumped when I was 16. Hannah Rose, if you're watching this, that's so awkward. I got dumped when I was 16 and I started to internalize this core belief that I was unlovable and I was unworthy. And for the next, I don't know, 10 years of my life, the majority of the people that I got into relationships with were people that validated that core belief that I wasn't good enough. And that was shame. It wasn't, "God, I'm feeling pain about this breakup. I wish I didn't choose to drink instead of hang out with this person because then they probably wouldn't have broken up with me." That's guilt. I feel really badly. The shame is, This is me, I am. It's like taking guilt and internalizing it whole. And so the reason that the name of the article is called The Shame Shitstorm is that shame is like the beginning and it just spirals into all of these other types of, in my opinion, emotional and relational sickness. So let's take another shame narrative. I'm a failure. That's a common one. No, maybe you have failed. Maybe there absolutely have been times where you fell short or you didn't get the job you wanted or you asked someone out and they said no. And so saying, you know, I'm feeling I'm feeling really raw because I just experienced rejection is one thing. I am a failure to the core. That I am statement is corrosive. And I'm not sure how much sense this is making again, cause I'm nervous. And so I'm speaking really quickly, which is how I always speak when I'm nervous, but I hope you can hear the difference in the narrative. So let's say I apply for a job and I don't get it. Um, I feel shitty. That's one thing. I am shitty. I am not good enough. I am a failure. This is who I am to the core. What we're doing on a subconscious level is creating this, um, like label for ourselves that we are going to continue to believe to be true. And then, fun fact, it continues to be true. That's the thing about our psyche, is that if I believe that I am a failure, not only will I continue to believe it to be true, but I will do things that validate that irrational core belief. So what I'm doing now is pulling from a facet of psychology, Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, So this is all part of positive psychology, right? But we talk about combating core irrational beliefs. Stick with me. I should probably get like a diagram or something because it might be easier, but a really simple way to do this, and this is a way to prevent a shame narrative from even starting. It's called the ABCD model of combating core irrational beliefs. This sounds really clinical, but in reality it's probably the only thing I retained from my experience in college. Partially because it's been a minute and partially because I was drunk for some of it. But anyway, the reality is that— I'm gonna sit cross-legged because this is who I am as a person. I was gonna like try to pretend to be a lot more professional than I am, but I'm just gonna be myself, which is hard. Also, I need more coffee. Also, it's already been 6 minutes. Are you still watching? If you are, you're a real friend. So, so far, just to recap, we've covered guilt: I feel bad. Shame: I am bad. How do I work through shame? Is gonna be something we talk about. But how do I even prevent shame from becoming something that runs my life is another thing that we're gonna talk about. I think I'm ready to put on my glasses. So part 1 is how do I prevent a shame narrative from making its way into my psyche? So the ABCD model, right, we're gonna have an activating event. Now you can choose something that is relevant to you. So whether it's getting broken up with, that's an activating event. Relapse, if you're in recovery or you're in and out of treatment, right? Relapse. Obviously I work in the treatment field, um, so that's something that I'm seeing every single day, the shame that comes with that. Even something as trivial as like getting a text that says, we need to talk later. You know what? I'm not even gonna say that's trivial. If you're one of those people that ever sends those texts saying, hey, we need to talk, I'm gonna give you some advice for free. Don't do that. Just talk to them later because what you're doing is setting off an activating event that's gonna spiral this insane amount of stress. And you might be doing that purposefully, but like, Stop. Don't be that guy. So activating event is A. I should write A on a piece of paper. I'll just do this. Activating event. Let's go with getting broken up with, because this is my favorite example of all time because it's a very real one for me. Again, 16 years old, Amity High School, Connecticut. I got dumped. So the activating event is A, getting dumped. B is the core irrational belief that follows. So I don't know if you've been dumped, but Whoo! Talk about something that's going to help you to internalize everything bad about yourself. So my core irrational belief was, "I am not enough." And underneath that, even though I probably wasn't aware of it at the time, was, "I am unlovable. I am only good for one thing, and I'm going to be alone forever." Right? Those were my shame narratives. At the core of all of it was, "I am not enough." Brené Brown talks about living in a culture of scarcity. I'm not pretty enough, thin enough, successful enough, sober enough, whatever it may be. So B was the core belief. So I get dumped when I'm 16 years old. The core belief is I am not enough. C— so we did A and B. C is the consequences of the core irrational belief. So what's the consequence of me believing that I'm essentially a piece of shit that's not enough and unlovable? Well, going back to my original statement, which is from The Perks of Being a Wallflower, which is a really great book and a really great movie, we accept the love we think we deserve. So if C is the consequence and I believe B, that I'm unlovable, because of A, the activating event of getting dumped, my consequences are that I am unable to accept love at this point in time. So what does that mean? Well, we attract people on our level of sanity and emotional health. So what happened was I believed that I was not good enough. And so again, for the next decade of my life, I The types of people that I attracted were people that either were emotionally unavailable, right? People that would say, "I don't want a relationship," and I'd be like, "I'm gonna change you," but I didn't. And there were also people that really didn't treat me well because they were incapable of it. Didn't mean they were a bad person, but they had their own stuff, you know? And so every time I got into a relationship and that person only wanted one thing, or that person was emotionally unavailable, I kept internalizing it, right? And my core irrational belief that I'm not enough continued to get stronger and stronger and stronger. All right, so part 2. Those are the consequences, right? A, got dumped. B, now I believe that I'm unworthy. C, I continue to attract people that treat me like I'm unworthy, or I continue to push people away, or I continue to sabotage a good thing. So if I attract people on my level of sanity and I accept the love that I think I deserve, that means one of two things. So here we have unhealthy Hannah. And what that means is that I'm doing the best I can with what I have, right? I'm not shaming myself, but what I had wasn't a lot. 16, 17, 18, early 20s. I have this core belief that I'm not really aware of on the surface. So what happens is I'm either dating someone who kind of treats me like shit or just isn't emotionally available, doesn't really meet my ideals, but I accept that because I don't believe I'm worthy of anything more than that. So that's unhealthy Hannah. Now what happens when I don't love myself, but someone comes along and they love me and they're healthy and they're great. And they treat me well, and I've got all these unresolved issues from stemming back from when I was 16 and probably way before that, to be honest, what happens? If I accept the love I think I deserve, what do I do with love that I don't think I deserve? And this isn't like a conscious thought, right? This is just what I do. I self-sabotage. I self-destruct, right? I write about this in the Why Your Relationships Suck article, but it's super important because this is the human experience. This is not limited to addicts and alcoholics or people in recovery. This is the human experience. I did this in 2015. I was 4 years sober and I was dating such a wonderful human from England. We had this awesome relationship and he was healthy and loving. And what did I do? I self-destructed. He was about to propose and move to the United States 'cause we needed a visa to be together. And there was nothing wrong in that relationship. A lot of you knew me at that time. I couldn't tell you what happened. I could not, I was like, Why did I just throw a wrench into my life? And it's only in hindsight, after therapy, reading a lot of Brené Brown, and doing some hardcore introspective work, which has been difficult, I was able to look at that and say, oh my God, it's not that I suck at commitment, it's that I had these major core issues that have been exacerbated by a ton of different things that I never dealt with. So I had this great relationship and I had ruined it. Whoa, so that's ABC. Most of us live in that. Go to, you know, I applied for a job and didn't get it. I'm a failure. I'm never gonna get far in life. The consequences are that you accept jobs or positions or careers that you could do better, right? I'm afraid of failure, and underneath that I'm afraid of failure, it's I am a failure. I could never do that. And so people don't go to school or don't pursue what they want to pursue, and they take jobs that the pay is fine maybe, but like they could be doing more, but it's terrifying and it's vulnerable. To put yourself out there and try to do more because what if you fall? And the chances are you will, right? You absolutely will. But it's in doing this process we're able to change the way that we view those fail— I mean, I don't even view it as a failure. I applied to a PhD program earlier this year and I didn't get in, and I was like, you know, I had that moment of like, oh, my ego. And then I was like, okay, it doesn't mean I'm a failure, I'm never gonna get ahead in life, no one's ever gonna listen to what I have to say because I don't have a PhD. The reality is that I didn't study for the standardized test and I rested on my laurels and was like, yeah, maybe I'll get in, maybe I won't. I'm just applying on a whim. It's not a reflection of who I am as a person that they rejected me. Just like if a person, like a significant other, rejects me, maybe sometimes it's not always a reflection of me. I used to always think like, I'm too much, right? I'm too much, I'm too emotional, or I'm too overthinking. And it's like, you know what, this is harsh, like maybe they're not enough. Maybe it's not that I'm too much or I'm not enough. Maybe we're just not compatible because we're on different wavelengths or we want different things. Maybe it's not about me not being good enough. Like what a concept. So anyway, ABC: activating event, core irrational belief, consequences. Most humans work on this cycle. But now what Albert Ellis, the positive psychologist, taught us how to do is insert the D. That doesn't sound good, but I think it's funny. And hopefully you're still watching and you can laugh. Is we learn how to dispute. The core irrational belief. So what happens is something happens, I immediately think, oh my God, I'm— you know, let's say my boss emails me and says, Hannah, come to my office. And I'm like, I'm gonna get fired. I mean, that's not a shame narrative, but it's pulling on a shame narrative of like, I'm a fraud, I'm an imposter, I shouldn't have a real person job, which are all thoughts I have, by the way, sometimes. And instead, I start to dispute it. So instead of just going on ABC on autopilot, I start to apply this dispute, right? So let's say you get broken up with, or you just go through a breakup period, and the core irrational belief is that you're not good enough, or you're always going to be alone, and you're unworthy, and you're unlovable. Instead of letting those consequences run your life, we start to dispute the core irrational belief. Is there evidence to back up that I really am a shitty person? And at this point, you might be like, yeah, there is. Like, okay, is it who I am, or is it how I've been? So I used to be super manipulative, um, before I got sober, and even at different points in sobriety for sure. And I I need to be really cognizant of that. And instead of saying, yeah, I'm a manipulator, that's a shame-based statement. Why can't I dispute that? Do I have, do I have a pattern of manipulation in the past? Have I struggled with manipulation in the past? 100%. Is it who I am to the core? No, that's a choice. If I want to view myself as this, that's on me. And sometimes you'll say, well, you know, a person is the sum of their actions. I'm like, okay, so have you ever taken a positive action in your life? Ever? And they're like, "Well, yeah, but—" I'm like, "Okay, so you're eclipsing all of your good attributes with these ones that cause or bring you pain, right? And so let's look at that." Start to dispute the core irrational belief. The most recent breakup I went through, which a lot of you are also aware of because I write about my entire life and post it on the internet for the world to read, what's up, was awesome. I mean, it was painful, right? Like so painful. What a beautiful relationship, but it wasn't self-sabotage on either of our parts. Mutual, amicable, mature conversation of, you know, we want different things and we're in different places and like maybe, like maybe we're forcing it at this point. And that was so hard because we lived together and had a dog together and I was like, what am I gonna do with the dog? Anyway, those thoughts came in, those shame thoughts, and I was hyper-aware of them, right? The thoughts were like, oh my god, I'm gonna be alone forever. Do I have evidence to back that up? And in my head, it's like, yeah, every relationship you've been in has ended. It's like, yeah, well, 28 years old, and I've learned a lot from each relationship, and I'm grateful for all of them. Eh, not all of them, but like the most significant ones that I've ever had, especially in sobriety. And, um, I was able to stop those shame narratives. And when I thought to myself, um, maybe I am too much— not something that this person has ever said to me, by the way, but it's my own shame beliefs coming up, my own fear I was able to dispute that and say like, well, who says? And the reality is that even if someone says I am too much, like, maybe that's a reflection of them too. Maybe I need to work on cultivating my own self-worth and self-esteem. I know these are like these like mainstream words that people are using all the time, like be vulnerable and have self-worth, but like seriously, maybe my self-esteem and self-worth needs to stop being contingent on what other people think of me. And I realized through this most recent breakup breakup, which was last year, at a certain point I realized like how much I actually had grown because I wasn't concerned with what people were saying about our breakup. I was mostly concerned with can he and I be amicable and co-parent this dog, which we did for a while until I was like, "Alright, I gotta let go. I gotta let go." You know? That was tough. So anyway, ABCD. D is disputing the core irrational belief and that means just pausing. Just pausing and being like, "Wait." Before I go down the shame train, is this based in reality, right? Do I have facts to prove this? If I feel like a shitty person, is that the same as being a shitty person? And what I have found, because I'm a really big fan of narrative therapy, is that the more distance I place between me and that narrative— so like, I used to always say I'm a people pleaser. No, I am not a people pleaser to the core. I have had a history of people pleasing. And when I change the narrative even a tiny bit, it creates all this space for me to grow and change. I no longer identify as people-pleasing, and I don't have a hard time with it anymore. Sometimes, depends on who, but for the most part, I don't really people-please. I used to also say, "Oh yeah, I suck at boundaries," whether it was with like friends or patients or family. And now I'm like Queen Boundary. And like, if you're friends with me, you know that if I don't want to do something, I'm gonna tell you. If you're like, "Yeah, let's go out, it's Friday night," I'm like, "No, I'm tired. I want to binge-watch Lost." I'm not gonna be like, "Okay, well, you asked, so I have to." No, but it all started with changing the narrative. So even though Albert Ellis didn't talk about this, for me, inserting that dispute, disputing the core irrational belief, also means changing the narrative. I'm a really big fan of Don Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements. This could be— I'm just, I'm going on like, I'm going on tangents right now. All right, I'll get to The Four Agreements in a second. So basically, an activating event happens, however significant or trivial. The core irrational belief feels like it's an automatic process, but what we do is we start to just bring awareness to it. Hmm, what is the story that I'm telling myself about myself? C is going to be the consequences that happen as a result of the core irrational beliefs. D is disputing the core irrational beliefs. Is this true? Is this real? Is this shame or is this reality? And how can I differentiate? E— because it's the ABCDE model of, uh, Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, also known as REBT if you want to like look it up because I'm speaking really quickly— E is the effects, effects of disputing the core irrational belief, which is pretty cool. So like, instead of just running rampant through my life sabotaging everything and only attracting people that treat me like shit, the positive effects are that I'm able to have healthy relationships today. My friend group has gotten a lot smaller because I have standards for friendships. The person that I'm with today is someone that like, I've got high— like, I had high standards. I was like, here's the bar. And no one's gonna meet it. But that's not true, which is cool. Meh. Okay, and in any case, that's the ABCDE model of disputing core irrational beliefs. That had nothing to do with the shame shitstorm, which is the article I wrote, but it did. I just ended up talking about stuff that's not in the article. But basically what the article mentions is that shame is gonna keep us sick. Try to figure out what your shame narratives are. And this is the way that I conceptualize how to work through shame, because part 1 that we just talked about was how to prevent a shame narrative from even happening. So next time there's an activating event, you won't cultivate more shame. But part 2 is, okay, you've got shame, we're already in it. Most of you probably have some shame narratives. I'm gonna pause this and I'm gonna drink some coffee and like breathe, and then I'm gonna— then I'm gonna do another one. Part 3. Hopefully I'll be able to like cut these videos, they're all together, because I really don't want to upload 3 separate videos. But if I did and you're still here, what's up? And if I didn't and it's one long video, it has now been 20 minutes and you're still watching. And for that, I'm appreciative. But also, like, if you choose not to watch, you won't even see this if you're not watching, but whatever. It's not about me, because whether or not you watch this video, I still feel self-worth. Like, whether or not you choose to apply some of the stuff I'm talking about, it's your quality of life, not mine. The cool thing is I'm making these videos because I feel really passionate about it, about shame specifically. And not just Brené Brown shame. Read Brené Brown's book. She's amazing. But taking it further and looking into all these different things. Whether or not you get anything out of this video doesn't affect how I'm able to walk through shame. And that's cool. To me, that's emotional freedom. Once I upload these, I'm not going to be sitting alone being like, "How many people liked it?" And oh my God. I'm sure I will for a little bit. Does anyone get anything out of what I say? But the cool thing is even if not one single person likes it, I'm still gonna know my shit and I'm still gonna be able to apply it. And that freedom is not living in fear anymore of what you think of me. That's its own topic. So part 2 in this whole thing, which I'm gonna try to keep relatively brief, is, hey, what's up, you have shame, what do I do now? So that's what the article is about. And so this is my own, like, conceptualization of what I think works. So again, this is just my personal professional experience. I don't have research to back this up except qualitative research that I haven't, like, documented or calculated or anything like that. So if you're one of those people that's like, I need research, like, I don't have any. So like, you can take my word for it, or you can just keep scrolling. I don't know. So basically, the first part of any problem-solving process is to identify what the problem is. And so for us, it's shame, right? It's like, I don't feel good enough. I don't feel like I'm worthy. I don't feel deserving. I don't feel whatever it may be. So part one is identify what you're ashamed of. Am I ashamed that I— I'm trying to think of things that I have been ashamed of in the past. Am I ashamed of the amount of school that I have? This is random, but you know, some people are ashamed that they don't have enough schooling. Some people, myself, are ashamed of that and also of the schooling that they do have. I have a lot of peers that are like just now going back to college and that is awesome, but I feel this like weird privilege shame for already having my master's. But I also feel shame that I only have a master's, if that makes sense, and not a PhD. So it's just like, ugh. So like, okay, I'm ashamed of— I used to be ashamed of how I behaved in some of my relationships in the past, in sobriety, before sobriety, right? I carried shame about kind of sabotaging my relationship with a guy from England. I held on to shame for that for like 4 years. Never dealt with it. Didn't want to. It was too painful. That's intense. I have felt shame about not being there for my family. Everyone lives in Connecticut, New York, and I'm all the way in Maryland. I have felt shame about the things that I did while I was drinking, and also some of the things that I did in sobriety, especially early sobriety. I have felt shame about not being a good friend. I have felt shame about signing up for friendships where I am a good friend and they're not, and what does that say about me that I keep signing up for relationships that are one-sided? Whatever it may be. I have felt shame about not being pretty enough, thin enough, accomplished enough, successful enough, charismatic enough, dynamic enough, uh, seasoned enough in the counseling field. I mean, like, the whole shebang, right? So the first part of this process is: what are you ashamed of? And that's like, that's a you thing, right? I can't tell you. I mean, that's my job as a therapist. It's like to help you help yourself, but I'm not your therapist. If you're watching this on Facebook, you probably know me personally, so like, I can't be your therapist. First part: identify. That's it. That's it. A lot of times when I ask people, you know, like, what are you, what are you ashamed of? Or the way that I say it is like, where do you hold shame? Very yoga of me. They're like, oh, I don't even know where to start, I just have so much. Okay, well, whittle it down. What are you ashamed of? Shame is incredibly difficult to talk about, and so this is just for you to do on your own for now. Part 2 of this process that I'm gonna probably like copyright and turn into a workbook is trim the fat, cut the details out. So underneath all of the shame and all of the details about your shame, is one core shame narrative. I am blank, or I am not blank enough. So maybe everything that I said, I can kind of whittle my shame narratives down to: I am not enough, um, I am a failure. Yeah, I'm unlovable, I'm unworthy. Those are all shame narratives I've had for sure. So that's part 2: what are your shame narratives? And my suggestion, strong suggestion, because like you can watch this and think about this all you want, but like at the end of the day, walking through shame needs to be experiential, not intellectual. So like, you can intellectualize your way through shame to a certain extent, and then it's still in you. So like, if you think you can think your way out of this, you can't. I've tried. So my suggestion is write them down. Write down a list of shame narratives. Again, if you've read the article, The Shame Shitstorm, this is what— this is like the step-by-step process of what I talk about. So part 1: identify what you're ashamed of, like this experience and this experience and who I am and how I am and etc. Part 2 is Trim the fat. What's the shame narrative? I am blank. I'm too much. I'm not enough. I don't know, it's different for all of us. Part 3: write them all down. Write down your shame narratives. And then I don't actually remember what I wrote in the article, but I'm pretty sure part 4 is like, it's time to talk about it. You can do that with a therapist, right? I have found it easier sometimes with therapists because they're like unbiased people that aren't involved in my life. Um, maybe you've got some close friends. Be mindful of your vulnerability. There is such a thing as selective vulnerability, and what that means is that we don't tell our shit to everyone. Like, don't make a list of shame narratives and post it on Facebook. Not an appropriate way to walk through shame. And also, if we tell everyone all of our shit, we're actually putting ourselves in a position to be harmed. Selective vulnerability. I have specific friends, my like core network of women, that I know I can talk to about anything, and they're not going to be judgmental, they're not going to be enabling and they're not gonna give me unsolicited advice based on their own experiences. They're gonna hold space for me. That's important. Empathy versus sympathy— watch that. Go to Google and YouTube, Brené Brown on empathy. It's 3 minutes and it can change the way that you are in your relationships. But that's something. So let's talk about it, right? Part 5, maybe we're on, is start to change the narrative. So again, that has everything to do with the first thing I was doing earlier about Albert Ellis's Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy. Therapy. So it's learning how to change the narrative, which is not part of the REBT ABCDE model, but it's how I view disputing the core irrational belief. I hope you're still with me. And so that means coming to The Four Agreements, which is such a wonderful book. The Four Agreements, great book by Don Miguel Ruiz. I have it somewhere. I don't have it in this office because this office is empty. Um, the first agreement is be impeccable with your word. Impeccable stems from without Sin. And he goes in detail and talks about that all we have is our word. And so the way that we talk about others and ourselves is incredibly important. And so if the story I'm telling myself is, I'm a shitty person, I'm not good enough, like all these things, I'm going to believe it to be true. Change the narrative. If I'm talking shit about people, I'm gonna be so much more likely to be in fear that other people are talking shit about me, which is interesting. We're all just afraid of what other people think, but all those people are just afraid of what you think of them. It's like this whole thing. The first time I ever spoke at a meeting, I think it was rehab, and I was like telling my story, and I was really nervous. And the secretary turned to me and said, don't be nervous, everyone's thinking about themselves. And it was like, whoa, like, like mind-blowing. I wrote an article called Fear of What People Think, and I quote— I think I quote myself. Oh, I became that person. No one on this planet thinks about you as much as you think about yourself, which is kind of an ego deflator, but it's also very freeing. So anyway, being impeccable with your word. Change the narrative. Every time you notice yourself beating yourself up internally, don't shame yourself for shaming yourself, because that's also unhelpful, and we do it all the time. But just notice it. Wow, I'm being really shaming right now. We just bring a level of non-judgmental awareness to our negative self-talk. That's it. It's like so simple, and we complicate the fuck out of it. Oh, I don't know if I can swear. I don't care. I kind of care. So, side note, the other agreements are, um, be impeccable with your word, don't make assumptions, don't take anything personally, good or bad, and always do your best. And sometimes your best is going to be like 60%, and that's okay too. So yeah, um, okay, I can feel myself losing steam and my face has gotten really red. And a little sweaty. But I've gotten way more comfortable in front of a camera. So hopefully by Sunday when I do this like live question and answer thing— I don't know how that's gonna go. I don't know if anyone's gonna tune in. But you know what? Whatever. Hopefully I'm like way more comfortable. And the cool thing is I would really like to hear what people have to say about this. What their experiences are. You can message me personally or you can publicly post it. But I would encourage you not to because like vulnerability needs to be selective in order to be healthy. And, um, but also like if there are topics— and if you follow me on Instagram, @hannaheliserose1, you'll know that I often post polls of like, what do you want to read about? What should I write about? So because public speaking is like a really huge passion of mine, I would also like to do the same thing on here. Like if there's a specific topic that you want to hear about, like video, like watch me give a lecture on or whatever it is, um, say it, right? My favorite topics in the world to lecture on professionally are The importance of emotional sobriety. Emotional sobriety is important for everyone, not just people in recovery, by the way. It's connection with self, connection with others, connection with something greater. But that I talk about how like you don't need to believe in God, etc. Um, and also the ability to show up and feel all of your feelings, just feel them and not run from them and not act out. That's emotional sobriety in my opinion. Relationships is like my favorite topic of all time because I have such a good track record. See, that was shaming. That was a self-deprecating shaming comment, and I'm not gonna do that anymore. I do have an awesome track record because I've learned from all my relationships. Boom, changing the narrative. That's how it's done. So relationships, shame, codependency, self-esteem, self-worth, fear, all those things, those are like my favorite topics. But if there's something you really want me to lecture about, or you're like, I want to hear you go on some long-winded tangent, comment and just say like heartbreak, dealing with fucking pain. Walking through fear. Walking through fear. That's a, that's a tough one, but it's doable. So, all right, I'm done. Thank you for watching this. If you're still watching, you're the real MVP because like, again, this is, I believe, 30+ minutes of me just talking really quickly. And if you have any questions, feel free to message me or email me or whatever. Also, be sure to visit my website, which is HannahEliseRose.com, because I have a blog obviously, and that is what I just word vomit on all the time. And I write the way that I speak, and I speak the way that I write, so like, I don't know which one works better for you, but what's up? Also, please refer clients for me so that I can make a living. Alright, bye.