Do You Accept Love or Sabotage It?

Hi everyone and welcome to another episode of Hannah Talks About Things. So today I do have my microphone, I do have the fancy ring light. I brought it to my office because this is where I'm gonna be doing some of these videos now. It's just easier as I'm in between clients to do them here. So that's a tapestry. I'm just giving you a tour. That's the couch that people sit on. That's really hard to move. Move this. It's a bookshelf. It's my desk. Some things. Okay. Oh God. Alright, so today we're gonna be talking about accepting love. So one of my favorite topics, or one of my favorite quotes rather, is from The Perks of Being a Wallflower. If you've watched any of these videos, you'll probably have heard me say this numerous times, but the quote is, "We accept the love we think we deserve." So Ah, all right, I'm like all settled now. Okay, so without any further ado, this is an article I wrote for Psychology Today, posted on June 24th, 2019, and it's called "Do You Accept Love or Sabotage It?" I have my computer right here. Who we attract is a direct reflection of how we feel about ourselves. So let's just dive right in. We accept the love we think we deserve. Steven Chbosky. I love this quote. I remember reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower whilst at summer camp, at the summer camp I used to work at, Camp Laurelwood, in 2009. I was 18 years old and in a love triangle between an Englishman and a Scotsman. Dating British men was a trend for me for about 6 years. This could be its own article, but I'm not going to do that. The line stuck out to me and hasn't left my mind since that summer. Throughout my life, I had always been attracted to those who didn't truly see me. This may have been due to their own relationship history, level of emotional availability, or simply the fact that the timing wasn't right. I would constantly get into relationships with men who couldn't satiate my deeply rooted need for connection and authentic intimacy, and their lack of interest would validate this inner belief that I wasn't good enough and that I wasn't lovable. But the kicker is that there were men across the way who did see me. These men were healthy, emotionally available, authentic souls who were willing to give all of themselves to me. If for whatever reason I attempted to date them, I would always end up sabotaging the relationship, and I couldn't understand why. I always felt like the victim of my own life. Why did they leave me? Why wasn't I good enough? What don't I have? Those were the questions that I asked myself often. The reality is that my inadvertent sabotaging behavior would exist from the very beginning. I would slowly push them away or manifest chaos in a multitude of forms. Then when they undoubtedly left, I was alone again, feeling like a victim. But little did I know, or little was I able to internalize, that we accept the love we think we deserve. If I have no self-worth or foundation of self and identity, I will not be able to accept a healthy relationship. Relationship. I will wonder, why are they with me? And then push them away. If I have no self-efficacy or self-love, I will be drawn to the people who validate the belief that I am not good enough. Sometimes this can present itself in abusive relationships, emotionally vacant relationships, or any other dynamic that isn't fulfilling or healthy, because we also attract people that are on our same level of sanity. If I'm toxic, gossiping, and full of resentment, I will probably attract people, both friends and intimate partners, who are the same way. I will be much more likely to spend my time with friends who are also miserable and causing misery with others. If I'm emotionally healthy and sane, I will attract like-minded people and also be attracted to those kinds of people or partners. So this is friendships too. It's not just in intimate or romantic relationships. It's let's look at the caliber of my friendships. Do I only have, um, common enemy intimacy, which is where the only foundation for our friendship is that we talk shit about the same people? Or do I have an authentic relationship or friendship with you where I can just be myself and I don't have to talk shit about others in order to feel close with you? Something to think about. I saw something on Instagram the other day that said, I no longer say at tables— what was it? It was like, I no longer sit at tables that I fear, or tables of people that I fear will talk about me once I get up. And I was like, I love that. On the other hand, if I have a solid foundation of self-worth, I will not settle for someone who does not meet me at the level of my needs. I will not be drawn to toxicity or chaos, and I will choose to leave a relationship before I, before I jeopardize my values and my integrity. I can accept genuine love only when I learned to love myself. What a concept. I used to think, um, people always say you can't love anyone until you love yourself. And I don't necessarily believe that to be true. I don't have kids, but from what I know about parenthood, if you are full of self-loathing, that doesn't mean that you love your children any less. Maybe you're not able to show it in the best ways, but love for others may not decrease if your love for yourself doesn't exist. But what I have found is that we genuinely cannot accept love if we don't truly believe we're worthy of it. So if you're anything like I was and you tell yourself that you just aren't good at a relationship or don't like commitment, that's simply untrue. The reality is that every single human on this earth is capable of truly giving and receiving love. Far too often, however, we focus our energy in all the wrong places. We channel that precious energy into seeking out a partner forcing a relationship that may not be organic from the beginning, or changing ourselves to meet the needs of another. That's where we have it all wrong. As corny as it sounds, we need to fall in love with ourselves first. And if you're already in a relationship, you can still embark on this journey of self-love. It's sometimes paralyzing and terrifying, but it's doable. We just need to be willing to take it a step at a time. But remember, we can only accept love if at our core we believe we are worthy. So try to remind yourself just for today, I am worthy. I am enough. Happy Monday. Well, it's Friday, but I wrote this on a Monday seemingly. So a couple of thoughts about that. A lot of times I read back what I wrote and I want to tweak it a little bit. So doing this video is actually really helpful for me because I can add or whatever. So a lot of times people say, well, how do I start this journey? Right? Like I can't just tell myself, okay, I'm worthy of love if at my core I don't believe I'm worthy. Worthy of it. And so it's worth doing some deep work. The first step of any problem-solving process is first identifying the problem. So why don't you feel good enough? Is it validated, or is the evidence you have found for your lack of worthiness present in your relationships? If that's the case, look at the types of people that you're dating. Why is it that you're attracted to them? Do you have a core narrative that says, I'm probably just crazy, I'm too much, I'm not enough? We need to first bring a level of awareness to what the story is that we're telling ourselves. What it is that we're telling ourselves. I love the book The Four Agreements, and the first one is be impeccable with your word. And the author Don Miguel Ruiz talks a lot about how we essentially construct the reality that we live in, whether that's the hell or the heaven that we live in. So if I'm telling myself that I'm a victim, even going to day-to-day things like, oh, I have to work today instead of I get to work today, etc., it's like we start to just construct this reality and it becomes our truth. So the more I tell myself, oh, I'm just bad at commitment, not only do I believe it to be true, but I'm setting up barriers that block me from growth. So first and foremost, find out what your deal is. Do you feel worthy of love? Do you just happen to fall into relationships that they end up treating you like shit? What part of you stays in that relationship? What part of you feels like you deserve more? Are there these kind of internal conflict parts of yourself that are consistently at war because sometimes you feel great and sometimes you feel like a big piece of shit. In AA, we call it, uh, an egomaniac with an inferiority complex. So it's like, I either feel better than everyone else or I feel like the worst. And what is it going to take for us to just walk shoulder to shoulder with our peers and realize I'm allowed to detach with love, I'm allowed to set boundaries, but I'm also allowed to have standards in my relationships, be them friendships, relationships with family members. And especially romantic and intimate partners. Um, I mean, the topic of the article was, do you accept love or sabotage it? And I think my goal is really to just bring a level of awareness to what the pattern is. Most people struggle, and that's really vague and can mean a lot of different things, in their relationships. Most people across the board, not just addicts and alcoholics, not just people who think they're codependent, not just people with fucked up or traumatic dysfunctional family lives, right? Right? Like most human beings struggle in relationships because authentic organic connection is not taught to us. What's taught to us is make yourself look different, meet your partner at the level of their needs. Asking for what you need might be too needy. We're taught essentially and inadvertently not to set boundaries because what if the other person gets mad? And so how can we identify what are my standards? What are the things that I love about myself? What are my ideals? Like what do I actually want in a relationship and what is blocking me from refusing to settle? Is it the fear of being alone? Is it a core belief that I'm never going to find anyone better, right? Like, ask yourselves those tough questions. And ultimately, at the end— ultimately, at the end of the day, do you accept love or sabotage it? And if you have a history of sabotaging it, it doesn't mean that's who you are to the core. It means it's how you've been. But what's it going to take for you to be willing to change and do some really hard work on yourself? Ah, I need coffee. Okay, anyway, happy Friday. I am about to go to Thailand for 2 weeks, so Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukkah, Happy New Year, all of those things. I will be back the week of January 6th. Alright, bye!