Do You Minimize Your Emotions?

Hi everyone and welcome to another episode of Hannah Talks About Things. So it has been months. It has been since March, April, April maybe, maybe even May since I've made a video. Almost all of quarantine. I'll take this off so my ring light doesn't get in my face. And I figured it's time to make a YouTube video. I am refreshed, I am rejuvenated, I have been maintaining sanity throughout this very, very lengthy quarantine and I missed connecting with you, the people who watch these YouTube videos, and so I figured now's the time. If you haven't already done so, feel free to subscribe by clicking this button down here. It might be on this side, I have no idea. Um, my dog is in here, so if you hear something being eaten, it is him. His name is Ralph. I did get a puppy in quarantine. He's 9 and a half months old now, and he is wonderful. I will bring him into the shot, into the screen by the end of the video, so stay tuned for that. But today I wanted to read an article that I had posted on Psychology Today on August 10th, 2019. And this is something that I've actually been struggling with recently. And I thought, what better way for me to reread this onto my YouTube channel and talk about my experience of walking through this. And the name of the article is "Why Do We Minimize Our Emotions?" Now, I don't know if you experience this, but I definitely do, especially as a therapist. You know, I'm listening to people all day and I'm also that friend, um, who not always and not perfectly, but likes to be the one that's a support, right? I have that empath, that caregiver energy. In me, and so I like to hold space for other people's emotions. But what happens, especially when I am doing well or I'm feeling grounded and peaceful, is that I could inadvertently minimize my emotional experience and say, "It's not that bad." Brené Brown calls this comparative empathy, I believe, potentially comparative suffering. And it's the notion that if he has it worse than me, my feelings shouldn't affect me so much. Or if she's dealing with this and it's objectively way worse, my feelings are just not as important. And I do this all of the time. And so I wanted to read this. I haven't read it since, probably since I posted it August 10th of last year. Um, so I'm reading this for me and for you, and I hope you get something out of it. I'm not using the microphone today because this is kind of a new setup. Um, and I was lazy. So why do we minimize our emotions? And then the subtitle is a flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it, it just blooms. And that's one of my favorite quotes. I don't know who said it, I just really like it. My last name is Rose, so it definitely hits a nerve with me. Whoo! All right, I'm ready. Also, I think last time I posted a video I had purple hair, so I'm doing better since then. Every day I notice common trends that we all seem to struggle with: shame, guilt, trauma, unresolved wounds, depression, anxiety, low self-worth, heartache, and so on. The one trend that keeps cropping up, however, is that we continue to compare ourselves and our experiences to our peers or our family or our clients. "I shouldn't even be upset," says one friend. "I don't really have it that bad. I mean, it's not like I'm going through a divorce or dealing with the death of a spouse like she is. I'm just going through a breakup." The woman he points to looks down, ashamed and embarrassed. Okay, so this was an interaction, I think, in a group counseling session. The woman he points down to looks down, ashamed and embarrassed. She does not want to feel more isolated than she already does, having friends minimize their own experiences as a result of hers. I think of the quote that is laminated and hung up on the wall of my office. It's been a year since I've been self-employed and in private practice. Boop boop! So this is not on the wall of my office, but it used to be. A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it. It just blooms. I remember that another's emotional experience does not negate or eclipse our own. We as humans have a tendency to try to sugarcoat our experiences by bringing to mind someone who has it worse than we do. We misuse the concept of gaining perspective by shaming our own emotional reaction to life, causing an underlying narrative of your feelings don't matter. Now, this is something that I definitely experience. I think perspective is really important to have, right? Like if I'm going through tension or something, a conflict, conflict with a friend or in my relationship, it is worth stepping outside of my bubble of this is my whole world and kind of acknowledging, okay, in the grand scheme of things, like, this is important and my feelings matter. I am going to be okay. I'm going to walk through this. Conflict is uncomfortable, but like, I'm going to be okay. That's important, right? Perspective. Um, shaming yourself for being really upset or feeling really badly about yourself because there are starving children in other parts of the world is is actually a misuse of perspective. Because what that does, it doesn't say, "You know what, Hannah Rose, your feelings are valid. There are some big things going on in the world though, so step outside of self and maybe think about others." What it says inadvertently is, "Who are you to feel any type of pain? At least you have X, Y, and Z. At least you have food on the table, shelter, etc." Now, gratitude is super important, right? Just being grateful for the things that we do have. But gratitude shaming— is not real gratitude. It's like faux gratitude. I have a whole different video about that called Gratitude Shaming. It's a mix, or it's a, um, it's a video with the former host of Mix 106.5 and the radio show, and it's called Gratitude Shaming. So if you want to see that, that's on my YouTube channel as well, and it goes into more detail about what gratitude shaming is and why it's not helpful. So anyway, perspective is one thing. Saying I shouldn't feel this way, I should be grateful, is actually a shaming experience. And what that's doing is eroding this sense of yourself that knows what it is you're feeling and wants to create space to validate that. Because at the end of the day, almost— I want to say all, but all humans crave to be seen, heard, and to have nurture. And we often didn't receive that at a certain point in our lives from a family member, a caregiver, a parent, a spouse, whoever. And we absolutely don't give ourselves nurture as much as would be healthy. And my dog is eating— hey, can you not eat that, pal? Oh, thank you— the, uh, the ring light stand. Okay, so, so oftentimes we'll think about someone that has it worse than us, and instead of saying, wow, you know what, I am really grateful, we'll say to ourselves, I shouldn't feel this way. And every time we should on ourselves, it's just not a great— it's not a great thing that's going on internally. I tell my friends that I fall prey to this trap as well, at times shaming my own experience and telling myself that I shouldn't be feeling this way, or I should know better than to react to something. But isn't feeling the undercurrent— isn't feeling the undercurrent of all human experiences? Who are we to should on ourselves and develop these unrealistic expectations? Whether the flower next to you is blooming or rotting away, it does not change your experience. I truly believe that having perspective, being able to step out of our own tiny bubble and acknowledging the ever-changing current of human emotion is absolutely important. But if we are constantly minimizing our own experiences, we are telling ourselves inadvertently that our feelings are not valid. And furthermore, that we can't trust ourselves. Whether or not someone is going through something we deem to be objectively worse than we are, experiencing heartache is still painful. Whether or not there are people who do not have the same privileges we may have, experiencing grief is still difficult. Now, this definitely came up for me this summer. Um, like, I have all of this privilege, so I shouldn't feel pain about fill in the blank. And, um, whoa, reconciling that is hard. Acknowledging that is hard, and it's uncomfortable. And sometimes it's uncomfortable conversations that we have to have, but we need to stop minimizing our emotions. We need to stop expecting ourselves to act in a way that is inhuman. Without feeling? What would it look like for us to simply pause and say, "Wow, I'm feeling a lot of pain right now"? No judgment, no labels, just simply aware of what we are experiencing. What is it that is so difficult about vulnerability that we will jump through every possible loophole to get out of dealing with it? Ah! I am very— I have not done a video in so long, I'm so pumped right now! Do not look at the flower next to you. Do not compare the petals. Do not track the pace of its growth. Just bloom. Oh, I used to always try to end articles on this like really nice positive note, but it's true, right? Like, in case no one has told you this today or in the last 9 months of quarantine, your emotional experience is valid. Your feelings are valid. We all have these wounds deep in us, whether they're healed or they're festering or they've never been dealt with, that get activated. We are in a global trauma right now. Still. And so I'm so grateful that I'm employed, that I'm self-employed, that I have a roof over my head, that I have a great dog, that I'm safe, like physically and emotionally safe. But if I'm feeling upset about a family thing or I'm feeling insecure or I'm feeling frustrated that I bought all these skincare products and I'm still breaking out, those feelings are valid. It doesn't mean I need to dig a hole and get comfortable in that hole and hang up curtains, but it acknowledging that it's okay to not be okay, right? Like when I get stressed out or when I get burnt out, saying to myself, well, I should be grateful that I even have a job is not a helpful narrative. And when I'm listening to people and holding space for people that are walking through hell in so many different ways, it is not helpful to them or to me to then shame myself for having it so good. Um, and again, this is something I'm actually really going through right now and really working on giving myself permission to be happy and permission to be grateful without then guilting myself because some people are really, really struggling. The reality is that I am fortunate in a myriad of ways, but I'm also actively using coping skills. I'm using what I learned in therapy. I'm doing my best to practice what I preach, and I'm acknowledging sometimes when I'm not okay. And to me, it always comes down to, can I rip the mask off this mask of perfectionism, this mask of like everything is great. I will say that I have not had social media at all since March or April. It's been all of quarantine. And I mean, I can make a whole different video on this if anyone's interested in my experience. Um, the documentary, The Social Dilemma, is also really phenomenal in terms of just really kind of awakening to some of the truths behind social media and just technology and being addicted to our phones. Because we all are. And what I've noticed is that my self-centered fear, right, my insecurity about a lot of things has decreased significantly. My preoccupation with what you might think of me, out the freaking window, because I'm not spending my time scrolling, being this voyeur, looking at other people's lives. Now, I know you can use social media in a really healthy way and be mindful about it. I cannot. I know that about myself. It's a very all-or-nothing experience for me. Nonetheless, ask yourself, am I minimizing my emotions? Am I putting my stuff on the back burner to show up for others? Can I find some more balance? Do I feel supported? Someone asked me that recently, do you feel supported? And I was like, the real question for me is, do I let others support me? Even though things are pretty good over here in my world, can I still let people in to support me? Because I need that support. Support too. It was just all a really interesting thought process for me. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this very off-the-cuff kind of like impulsive video. I'm gonna upload it now, and if anyone wants to hear anything specific or there's some topics that you really want to hear, please feel free to shoot me a message. Never mind, I don't have Facebook. On LinkedIn, I have that. Email me, you know, HannahElyseRose@gmail.com. Again, subscribe to this YouTube channel. I don't really know why I say that. I think you need like thousands of subscribers to make any kind of money, and I'm not doing this for that. So, but anyway, subscribe wherever the button is. And as promised, I'm gonna bring Ralph on screen so you can all meet him because I don't think I've brought him onto my YouTube channel yet. So you can just hold on one second, everybody. Hey buddy, come here. Oh my god, he was 7 pounds and now he's 30+ pounds of Aussie doodle fluff. This is him. This is Ralph. Hey bud! He's like, "Get me out of here." He has a ginger beard and he is my son. Oh God. All right. Anyway, if anyone wants to hear any specific topic, feel free to comment. I miss doing these videos. I miss connecting with you guys. And if you're watching this on LinkedIn, what's up? I don't really know where I'm going with this. I think my brain just stopped working. Okay, bye everyone.