Dysfunctional Relationships: Part 2

Hello and welcome to part 2 of Why Your Relationships Suck, which is a harsh title, so I changed it when I uploaded it. But this is part 2, why your relationships continue to end in flames. And part 2, unresolved wounds lead to self-sabotage. So in the first part, and if you haven't watched it, I think you should watch it first. But in the first part, I talked about— what's this fucking ring light? I talked about the excitement seeker. And in this part, I'm going to talk about the I'm just bad at commitment. Kind of person and the insecure one. So without further ado, why your relationships continue to end in flames— excuse me— flames, part 2. Unresolved wounds lead to self-sabotage. 2, the I'm bad at commitment one. Second, the I'm just bad at commitment individual. Ugh. Let's start with the basics. Change your narrative. No one is inherently bad at anything except maybe math. The more you tell yourself you're not good at something, the more you'll believe it to be true. Saying I'm bad at commitment or I just don't do relationships is a way of saying I have some issues I've never dealt with and I'm not willing to deal with, so I'm just going to label myself as bad at this. Like, what? Let's look at the root of the problem and not be lazy. It's obviously a problem if you're even reading this article or listening to this YouTube or on Facebook or wherever you're seeing this. LinkedIn, maybe. Try to be professional. It's obviously a problem if you're even reading this article and this segment applies to you. When did you start feeling like you were bad at commitment? Was it after a relationship that ended badly? Was it after a relationship that ended badly and left you feeling rejected and hurt? Was it watching your parents divorce and internalizing that all relationships inevitably fail, so why even try? Okay, that's really specific. What's up? Welcome to my psyche. We all have core issues, narratives that we've constructed or have been constructed in us shaping the way that we think and feel about the world. These are called schemas. It says it the next sentence. It's not a weakness, it's a very human experience that most of us have. In psychology, we call them schemas, a fancy name for worldview. If you were in a long-term relationship, or any relationship, and your significant other cheated on you, you have publicly sworn off commitment and vulnerability. Internally, however, you're fearful and in pain. The emotional experience of betrayal and rejection are incredibly powerful. They cause us to doubt ourselves and can shatter our own self-worth. Often the people who have been hurt the most are the ones who will refuse to allow themselves to be close to another human being. These types often choose the labels of forever alone or not a relationship kind of guy, girl, person. And that's fine until you get into a relationship with someone, realize that you can actually see a future with them. And as soon as the novelty wears off, the sparks start to die out and you start getting actually vulnerable. Letting your guard down, you feel the impending doom of rejection and abandonment again. You can read more about closure here. Oh, there's an article called Closure. So what do you do then? Therapy. I cannot stress this enough. Once again, you aren't going to think your way out of emotional pain and the muscle memory of putting your walls up. Find out what your core issues are and address them. We've all heard the adage, hurt people hurt people, and this is annoyingly cliché, and this is And this is annoyingly cliché, but very, very true. As I've written before, time does not heal all wounds. It just passes, and our old traumas and pain continue to rear their ugly heads in our relationships. You're not bad at commitment or relationships. You just have unresolved pain. So in this one, the "I'm bad at commitment" one, I think the main points are: stop saying that. Unless you want to stick to that and you want it to continue to be true because you feel like that keeps you safe. I used to always say things like, "Oh, I'm just bad at, uh, well, commitment," or "I'm really not good at boundaries," or "Yeah, like, I just hate conflict." And I would say these things and so they would continue to be true. And the reality is I wasn't bad at setting boundaries. I just never got into the habit of it because it's inherently uncomfortable. And I used people pleasing for a lot of my life as a coping skill to feel validated and liked, you know. And so now I would say I'm really good at boundaries because I continue to practice setting them and maintaining them. And things get more and more comfortable the more often you walk through the discomfort. But I'm not just gonna feel comfortable setting boundaries one day. I have to walk through the discomfort enough times. Same thing with relationships. I think especially as you get older, and so most of us have been in relationships that maybe have ended, um, that pain is something we have to feel and grieve. I remember in my last relationship, saying, um, you know, it just scares me because like, what if there's a time that we're not together anymore? And that was a very real fear. And we did break up, uh, after 2 and a half years. And it doesn't mean that nothing was ever real, but I think the way that we construct our narratives— like, I used to say, oh my God, I have so many failed relationships. But really, were they failed, or did they all serve a purpose? Did I learn from them? Was I in different places in my life? You know, now looking back, like, I'm grateful for those experiences, as corny as that is, and they've led me not only to where I am now, but to who I am now. I'm grateful for all of those people along the way. But my first breakup, I mean, I was 16, but it was there that I developed the schema relationships end and letting your guard down equals being weak and vulnerability equals pain and like all these things that for the next decade of my life I didn't realize, but I didn't really want to let my guard down. Or I would do the other unhealthy thing, which is let your guard down super quickly and try to get really invested with someone. And then when it doesn't work out, feel like, oh, it's just me and I'm unlovable, you know? So whether it's I'm unlovable or I'm bad at commitment, become aware of what your narrative is about relationships. What is your schema? What's your worldview? Is it I'm less of a person if I'm not in a relationship? Is it, I'm bad at commitment? Is it, um, my whole purpose in life is to find my other half? You know, like, are you on the avoidant side or the codependent side? Like, just start to become aware of what the narrative is. Again, in any problem-solving process, we need to first identify what the problem is. Why do you think you're bad at commitment? Is it after the monotony wears off, or after the novelty wears off and it feels monotonous? What does commitment mean to you? And what is scary about that? It's just important to allow yourself to navigate through some of those questions. And again, for me, I have found that incredibly helpful to do with a professional. Um, but if you're not willing to prioritize that and/or don't have the means, then, you know, try to confide in someone. At the same time, I think a lot of times when we're insecure, we ask people for advice. And it's important to remember, I don't ask directions from someone who's never been there. So like, be mindful of who you're asking relationship advice from. I'll leave it there. Okay, so that was the 'I'm just bad at commitment' one. The second is the insecure one. Third— so second in this article, third altogether— let's take a look at the person who struggles with their own sense of self. Self-worth, self-esteem, and self-love may be lacking. As I've written in previous articles and quoted from The Perks of Being a Wallflower, we accept the love we think we deserve. If at our core we don't believe we are worthy of love and stable attachment, we will inadvertently or quite purposefully sabotage what we have. This can be true for a healthy relationship, a good career, or any other area of life which we don't feel deserving. I have a video about imposter syndrome and this is really relevant here. During the honeymoon stage of a relationship, it's easier to accept love and validation. This person doesn't really know me yet, we may tell ourselves. Just wait, we may think and even say to them. It's like so unhealthy. What? As the novelty wears off and we begin to get comfortable enough to show our true selves, that's when the fear may begin to strike. If you've ever asked yourself, why is this person still with me? It has nothing to do with them and everything to do with you and your lack of self-worth. Read this for more clarity on the subject. Oh, that's a link to another article. The solution here is not to push your partner away in order to fulfill your self-defeating belief that you are unlovable. This is often what we end up doing. I once read that our self-destructive tendencies always serve a purpose. Here, the purpose is to prove to ourselves that all of that negative self-talk is actually accurate and we are destined to be alone. The solution, rather, is to begin by cultivating a core level of worthiness. In 12-step programs, I've often heard In order to have self-esteem, start by doing esteemable things. Sounds really dumb and kind of simple, but it's true. If I want to feel like a good person, I have to act like one. I can't mean well and then be a shitty person or, you know, gossip about all of my friends and cheat and lie and steal. Like, I'm not going to have self-esteem. I have to act as if. Uh, there's absolutely some truth to this, but the real work, in my opinion, lies in undoing the old patterns of behavior that have become super ingrained in us. Our task is not to go out and seek the perfect partner. It is not to change everything about ourselves to meet the needs of our partner. It is not to go out and find the best clothes, makeup, haircut, and so on. The real task is to turn our giant magnifying glass inward and identify what has been blocking us from genuine love, intimacy, and connection. So there's this quote that I always quote, uh, by Rumi, the Persian poet. It's actually framed. Right there, and it says, your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. So one big barrier that can block us from love is insecurity, because when we tell ourselves, I'm unworthy, I'm not good enough, I'm not pretty enough, we can't accept that love from another person. The real task is— okay, these barriers can range from childhood or adult trauma to core beliefs about our own worth. The barrier can be a painful breakup that led us to build a wall internally so that no one could ever hurt us again. Maybe the barrier is that you didn't receive the love and nurture that you needed as a child and internalized it into your entire sense of self. Find out what your barriers are and do everything in your power to start knocking them down. This is the work. Next part. Next part 3: Expectations, overthinking, and codependency. Uh, so Basically, to sum this one up, the "I'm bad at commitment" one— no, you're not, but there's obviously something blocking you from commitment. What the hell is it? And the insecure one. Remember, we accept the love we think we deserve. So if you're incapable of accepting love from another human being, the work is not about the relationship and them, it's about getting rid of those barriers. Again, for me, it was almost impossible to identify and deconstruct barriers without professional help from a therapist. Therapist. But even just start by journaling. If that's not something you do, do it. If you're reading this or you're still watching this, there's obviously something in you that wants to better how you are in relationships. So are you willing to do the work? A lot of times we'll read self-help stuff or we'll watch videos and we'll post cute quotes and it's like— this is really cynical, but I've seen a lot of things that are like, 2020, these are all the things I'm leaving behind. But like, What actions are you taking to do that besides posting this on Instagram or Facebook? You know, are you truly willing to detach from some of your self-destructive behavior or friends? Right? Like, what are you willing to do to further your own personal growth? And unless we're willing to do that, our relationships will continue to suffer because we will recreate the same patterns over and over and over until we're willing to learn from them, essentially. Okay, bye.