Facing Rejection

Hi everyone! Welcome to another episode of Hannah Talks About Things. So today I really wanted to focus on the topic of facing rejection because it's something that all human beings are going to experience, I think, at a different point in their lives. And it's also something that we typically compare ourselves with other people about. What I mean by that is, not too long ago a friend of mine was saying, "I just feel like everyone else gets what they want and gets the opportunities, gets the job, gets the relationships." It's 'cetera,' and I'm over here facing rejection after rejection. And it got me thinking, and I was like, no, we all experience rejection. Some of us post about it really openly on social media, some of us don't post about it openly on social media, and whatever you want to do that helps you process is fine. But for me, I have found that, you know, with rejection— there's a dog pawing at me, by the way— with rejection comes this automatic belief that I am unworthy. And unless we kind of put something in there to stop that process from happening as this automatic thought, then our self-worth is gonna deteriorate with every rejection that we face. So I wrote an article not too long ago called Facing Rejection, and it's about how, like I just said, with rejection we seldom think about, well, maybe this has to do with the other person, maybe this has to do— maybe the job wasn't a good fit, maybe this relationship wasn't actually on my level, right? We almost always automatically internalize rejection as having something to do with us being not good enough, smart enough, successful enough, attractive enough. I mean, fill in the blanks, right? Brené Brown talks often about the culture of scarcity. I am not blank enough, which goes hand in hand with shame. That's something I like to talk about often because shame is this internalization of guilt, right? So let's say I am in a relationship and I'm just not being a really present girlfriend. And so as a result, my boyfriend breaks up with me. Guilt would be, God, I feel really awful about this. I could have shown up more, you know, I can make amends, I can whatever, go about it the way that I feel is right. But shame is, I am a bad girlfriend, I am not good enough, I am unlovable, right? And it's those shame narratives that really stick with us. So in facing rejection, I have found a couple different things to really help me from holding on to my self-worth. Now when we talk about rejection, we can be referring to a job, like an offer that you just didn't get. We can be talking about putting yourself out there, you know, asking someone out and them saying no. It can be being in a relationship, short-term, long-term, and getting broken up with. And it can be a feeling of unworthiness internally. So what I mean by that is that if I don't accept myself, it doesn't matter how many people blow smoke up my ass, doesn't matter how many people try to accept me, I I'm going to reject all of it, right? And that goes back to what I talk about often, which is that we accept the love we think we deserve. So if I'm rejecting myself, everything else I'm gonna perceive as rejection. Now, if I'm accepting myself and cultivating this level of self-worth and wholeness, then it doesn't matter what comes my way or what doesn't come my way. I'm not gonna let a rejection wipe out my foundation of self. Um, in the article about rejection, I wrote about how earlier this year I had applied to a PsyD program, a doctoral program in clinical psychology. Now, you know, leading up to this decision— there was no leading up, it was pretty impulsive. I was like, you know, it's just an application fee, what do I have to lose? I'm just gonna see, I'm just gonna see if I can get in. Um, you know, I had this thought like, wow, it'd be pretty cool if I did get in, not knowing if I actually want to pursue a doctoral program or not, etc. And I did not study for the standardized test. I did very badly on it. I really didn't put in that much work or effort in my essay, my application, and so Lo and behold, the day came when I got a rejection letter. I was on a beach in Hawaii, in this beautiful, beautiful, beautiful place, and I open up the email and it's like, "Sorry, you've been rejected." And I tried to automatically become aware of what my process was gonna be, 'cause I was already thinking about and writing about the concept of rejection. And I had the thought, "You're never gonna get into a doctoral program." they probably see right through you, right? Automatically triggering this imposter syndrome of the things that I have today, the jobs, the licenses, etc. I don't deserve this, right? There must have been a fluke. I went to graduate school in 2013, and I have been saying for years, jokingly or not jokingly, yeah, I'm pretty sure they accepted me by mistake. You don't even realize that in that self-deprecating humor came this undeniable truth in me that I didn't feel good enough, you know, and I really had to process that further. So I get this letter, and before doing anything, I just pause and breathe. I don't know if prayer is your thing or just setting an intention or grounding in with yourself, but I just— I prayed to the universe and was like, you know, help me to just accept whatever is meant to be, you know, and in this case that I'm not gonna get in and I didn't put any of the work in. And I felt my ego bruised. And it was interesting because this is what mindfulness can do to us. It doesn't make my ego not bruised. It didn't mean that I didn't experience any pain at all. I think that's such a fallacious reasoning fallacy, is that we think if we take certain actions and get healthy emotionally, we're not gonna feel pain. And like, that's BS. Of course we're gonna feel pain, but we can be aware of it and not let it, like I said, kind of wipe out our whole foundation of selves, etc. So my ego is bruised. I felt deflated and let down. Breathe, pause, prayed, and then I texted some of my friends and was like, hey, I didn't get in, feeling kind of down, but I also know that like maybe this just wasn't supposed to happen, which is something that I subscribe to, and that might not work for you, but for me, facing rejection has been so much easier when I have faith in something. I'm not gonna preach anything religious or spiritual to you because I don't know, watcher of video, where you stand, and I would like this to be as inclusive as possible, but for me, I do trust that I am going to land on my feet, as evidenced by so many times in my life when I thought I wasn't gonna land on my feet and I did, as evidenced by heartbreak after heartbreak and then ending up in a much better place, right? And so for me, if I can kind of have this faith in the unseen that, you know, this feels painful right now, and this is especially hard in relationships, I think, this feels painful right now, but maybe I'm dodging a bullet. Maybe I'm gonna be better off. And if I can hold on to that, just maybe, I don't know what's best for me, and the universe or God or whatever it is you believe in or don't believe in does, it helps me to face rejection with an open heart, not shut my heart down, put up a wall. And it also helps me to look at what I can do differently next time. It doesn't mean don't open up to anyone, don't take any risks. You know, I quote in most of my videos the "Daring Greatly" quote by Theodore Roosevelt. Roosevelt. I can never pronounce that. And Brené Brown quotes him in her book "Daring Greatly," and I'm paraphrasing a lot, but he essentially says it's not the critic who counts. It's not like the person that's laughing at the doer of deeds. It's the person that's in the arena. She says it's the man in the arena whose face is marred with dirt and dust and blood who knows the victory of succeeding. I'm really paraphrasing, but he also fails, but at least when he fails, he fails so while daring greatly. And so it's like, if you're willing to put yourself out there into the arena of the unknown, be it with relationships or opportunities, or for me, it's like writing and recording these videos. It's still super uncomfortable. It's so uncomfortable, and I have received some backlash, and I'm just like, okay, okay, if I'm not putting myself out there, then I'm gonna not experience that much failure or rejection. But I'd rather put myself out there and experience rejection, because then when I don't experience rejection and I get to accept myself, or I get an opportunity, it feels that much better. And the reality is that me sitting behind a computer screen, like, scrolling and looking at people's lives and judging them and gossiping them— all things I've done— gossiping about them— all things I've done, by the way, and can still do and fall into the trap of and really need to to be mindful of. If I do that, like, yeah, maybe I'm protecting myself against, uh, rejection because I'm not putting myself out on like a public stage, but I would much rather do this— brave the wilderness, dare greatly. I'm really just quoting Brené Brown at this point. But so basically, next time you experience rejection, I invite you, encourage you, challenge you to really just pause and be mindful of what's going on internally. Are you automatically internalizing it? This is me. I'm not enough. I'm not good enough, etc. Or are you able to say, okay, yeah, this hurts, but I'm not gonna play the victim. There may have been numerous times in your life where you have been an actual victim. Getting rejected, you're not the victim. You're not. And so for me, I need to look at, especially in relationships, which is like my favorite topic, You know, if I'm consistently in relationships that I end up being rejected in, the common denominator is me. And that doesn't mean I'm not good enough, but why am I signing up for relationships with people who are emotionally unavailable? Maybe that's why they're rejecting you. Or why am I signing up for relationships where the other person is taken, you know, in a relationship? That's also a pattern, right? And so I need to be able to look at my part and clear my side of the street, but not automatically shame myself with I'm not good enough. This is me. I'm gonna be rejected forever. Because what we've learned from Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, REBT is what it's called, by Albert Ellis, is that if the activating event is getting rejected, the core irrational belief is I'm not good enough, I'm unlovable, I'm unhireable, I'm never gonna get anywhere in life, which becomes our schema, right? Our worldview. And then C is the consequence. We're doing ABC, right? Is the consequence of the core irrational belief from the activating event. And then most human beings live on that ABC cycle: activating event, core irrational belief, consequence. And what we can do, and what we are able to do as human beings, which is so amazing, is dispute the core irrational belief. So next time I get rejected or I feel rejected, I can ask myself, is this about me? And if it is, like, maybe I was acting like a shithead, you know, maybe I did something wrong. That doesn't mean I'm an awful person. That doesn't mean I'm a shithead of a person internally. How I am at times is not who I am. And one could argue that, well, your actions make you who you are. Fine, but then are you giving yourself credit for any of the good, you know? So if you're still watching this, it's been 10 minutes and 30 seconds. You will get rejected. It will hurt. It's okay to not feel okay. It's okay to not be happy all of the time, but feel your feelings, walk through them, and at the very, very, very, very least at least, which is probably the hardest thing actually, don't reject yourself. Always look for the good, and I promise you, you'll find what you're looking for. If you want to find evidence that you're not good enough, you'll find it. But if you want to find evidence that you are worthy and you are whole and you are enough, you'll find that too. So try changing the narrative, switching the lens a little bit, and looking for the good, because I believe we're all worth it. God, that's corny. Okay, thanks, bye!