Fear of What Everyone Thinks

Hi everyone, and welcome to another episode of Hannah Reads About Things, because I'm gonna be reading another article from Psychology Today that I wrote and posted on June 21st, 2019. So this one is called "Self-Centered Fear," and it's one of my all-time favorite topics because most human beings live in self-centered fear that other people are thinking about them and talking about them and wondering about them when they're really just not. So let's Let's get started. Self-Centered Fear: How to Stop Thinking That Everyone Is Thinking About You. Move this. By the way, I'm reading off of my laptop, just so you're all aware. No one on this planet thinks about you as much as you think about yourself. Whenever I post polls on social media about what people want to read about, the themes of self-worth, not being good enough, not being deserving, and comparing ourselves to other people always come up. I have written extensively on the topics of self-worth and self-love, but I think one major piece I have been neglecting to broach is that of self-centered fear. Self-worth and fear— self-worth and fear of what others think about us go hand in hand. When we are struggling with our feelings of self-worth, there are usually two factors involved. One is that we genuinely and internally have lacked a sense of self for most of our lives. The other much more common factor is that we project our fear of unworthiness onto others. We throw our negative self-talk onto the blank slate of other individuals, whether they're personal friends and family or strangers on the internet that validate us through social media, then internalize the judgment that we are assuming that they have. So that's a mouthful. Basically, when we already struggle with our self-esteem and self-worth and we don't know for a fact what other people think of us, which is a really common thing, 'cause we can't possibly know what other people think at all times. We actually inadvertently project our skewed sense of self onto others, especially blank slates. So whenever there's space in between what someone says and how we think they might feel, that's where we'll input our own version of ourselves. Like, well, they probably think that I'm a piece of shit. Well, do you think that? Or like, where does that belief come from? What I'm saying is this: we live in our assumptions of what others think of us. We let these fears and assumptions dictate the person that we try to be. Our outer selves or the part of us that we show the world. So in the last video, I talked about The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, which is a phenomenal book. And the first agreement is be impeccable with your word, which means without sin. So being super cognizant of the way we talk about ourselves and others. The second or third agreement, I don't remember which one, is don't make assumptions, which is really difficult when you are living on this planet and a human being. Um, but we live in our assumptions about what people think about us. And what I have found, and I may write this later in the article, I'm not sure, is that the less I judge myself, the less I live in fear that other people are judging me. The less I talk shit about people, the less I live in fear that other people are talking shit about me. And when I stop rejecting myself so internally, I stop thinking that others are going to reject me. It's wild, but that takes some work and ideally some good therapy. Please go to therapy. Okay. We often tell ourselves, sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously, that we are not good enough. But the real question is, good enough for what? Good enough for who? Good enough for who? Do we feel as though we aren't good enough, or do we fear that others feel that we're not good enough? These are two completely different yet often intertwined internal dynamics at play. I don't know if you can hear my laundry machine going off, but it is. Okay. For this article, I'm gonna focus solely on the fear of what others think about us, also called self-centered fear. When I was in my— okay, when I was early in my sobriety in a 12-step program, I remember being consumed with what we call self-centered fear. This term means that our fear is derived from what others think, feel, and say about us. It was so bad that I couldn't get up to go to the bathroom during a staff meeting at work or a 12-step meeting due to the fear of people judging me if I stood up to leave the room. But when I dig deeper, what was the judgment I was so afraid of? This is an easy one to answer. I was afraid that people would think I was rude, that I was wearing clothes they didn't like, or that I would be perceived in a certain way superficially—too short, too thin, too fat, too ugly, too pretty, too much effort, not enough effort, etc. Essentially, I was afraid of being seen. The first time I was asked to tell my story at a 12-step meeting in a rehab for the patients, I was paralyzed with fear. I was so caught up in what the audience was going to think about me. Was my story bad enough? Was I a real alcoholic if I got sober so young? Was I going to gain their trust and respect even though I didn't hit some of the rock bottoms that they had? I must have looked noticeably nervous because the secretary of the meeting leaned over to me and said, "Don't worry, everyone is probably thinking about themselves." That statement has never left me. Because how much of our lives do we spend worrying about what other people think about us, what they're going to say about us, and whether or not they're judging us? The reality is that most human beings are concerned about this. Even and especially the people who proclaim, "I don't care what anyone thinks about me," want to show the world an image of themselves that screams nonchalance and apathy. But that in and of itself is an image to show the world. I used to be paralyzed by fear that I would be judged, that I would be seen. I changed myself to be less authentic and to fit in more. But if I truly played that tape through, the worst thing that can happen from being authentic is that someone does in fact judge me. Then what? Will it decrease my self-worth? Will it stop me from stepping into the light of my truth? Will it ruin my life? Not without my permission. Now, at the time, I would have been like, yeah, I just want to fit in. Or maybe I wouldn't have said that out loud, but I was always constantly consumed with kind of like going with the flow of what other people were doing. I mean, God, even when I started writing and especially making YouTube videos, I had that shame narrative of like, you are a joke, no one's gonna watch this. And I really had to do some internal work with the help of others to realize like whether or not my videos go viral, which like they don't, um, that doesn't mess with my self-worth. Like whether or not you watch this, I still get to go live my life and practice these things that I've learned and like be kind of emotionally free, which is super cool. My worth is not contingent on you. And especially in the last week or two, um, just deactivating Instagram, I've realized like My life is still really good even when I don't post about it and people tell me that I look a certain way or that my dog is cute. Like, it's wild how much I inadvertently attach to validation via social media. It's really something. Whew! So, when I'm stuck by the thought, "Ugh, I'm not good enough," I can almost hear myself saying to my patients, "Good enough for who?" Am I good enough for myself? Absolutely. It wasn't always that way, by the way. But when I fall into the trap of projecting my expectations of myself onto others, that's when I fall into the hole of becoming invested in what others may or may not think of me. The hard truth is this: no one on this planet thinks about you as much as you think about yourself. That can be equal parts freeing and also really ego-deflating because it's like, literally no one thinks about you as much as you think about yourself. Even if you watch this video, I can almost guarantee You will not still be thinking about it when it's over. I mean, you might if you're trying to like apply things to your own life, but like, I don't know, that was one of my biggest hangups in terms of making these videos was like, I'm going to be seen. And it's like, yeah, but if I can see myself, as corny as this sounds, and like really just radically accept all of me, then like I don't live in fear of being seen anymore, of being authentic. I'm not trying to meet some mold that I think you, this anonymous person, me to be. Like, no. And if the people that I'm closest to in my life I feel like I need to change myself for— I'm trying to not look directly at this ring light, by the way. Okay, I'm just gonna like look in this direction. If the people closest to me in my life are people that I feel like I can't be authentic around because then they're gonna judge me or not like me, like, I need to really look at why are those the people that are closest to me in my life. Like, why am I signing up for relationships where I have to change myself in order to meet your approval? Like, what? Ooh. The hard truth is this: no one on this planet thinks about you as much as you think about yourself. We live in our heads about what others may think. The kicker is that most people that you're concerned with are living in their heads about what you may think. We stay isolated in our own constructive, maladaptive narratives, narratives that separate us from our fellows. How am I supposed to have genuine connections with anyone if I'm not allowing myself to be genuine? If my behaviors, thoughts, patterns, appearance, and even feelings are being dictated by how I think you think I should be. That's the end of the sentence, which doesn't really make sense, but okay. This manifests in our sex lives, not communicating effectively, pretending we like something that we don't. In our relationships, trying to be who you want me to be, jeopardizing my worth and my authenticity to meet you at the level of your needs and wants. In our work lives, settling for less than we truly deserve, changing ourselves to fit a mold of what we think we should be. In our families, playing the role that we always have, playing the role that we always used to have, not setting boundaries essentially in every single area of our lives. How would you think, act, feel, or behave if you weren't being dictated by what you think others expect of you? What would be different in your life if you let go of the fear of what others think? Would you still be in your current relationship? Would you still be at your job? Would you still be in your one-sided and sometimes draining friendships? Would you— oh, I said that already. Would you keep frequenting the same social situations? Would you be able to set boundaries and maintain them? Would you communicate more effectively and more directly? Would you be as people-pleasing? Would you think less of yourself or grow into your own strength and empowerment? These are tough questions, and you don't need to answer them right now, not by any means. But let this article be a guide, a starting point, even to start to lean into your truth. One more time, no one, literally no one on this planet thinks about you as much as you think about yourself, like as frequently. And while that may feel defeating or even lonely, let it be a call to freedom. You are free to be you. There is no individual, no group of people in this world that need to dictate who you are. Oh, that's the end of the article. Okay. So yeah, that's a short one. I like it a lot because for me it kind of is like the cornerstone of what for lack of a better term, like sets me free. Like I do not need to put on a show to make you like me. And I say it often when I lecture and do public speaking, like for me, emotional freedom means I can be myself and speak my truth, whatever that may look like. And when I'm done, I'm not still gonna be thinking about if you liked it because whether or not you liked it doesn't affect me because I liked it. And like, that is huge. And again, I can't stress this enough. Maybe go to therapy if you find that this is difficult, because for me, without that, I don't know if I would have ever been able to start to lean into my own emotional freedom and realize how much better it is over here, because I am no longer exhausting needless energy trying to please you. So subscribe to my YouTube channel, and if you don't, that's cool too, because the amount of subscribers I have doesn't make my quality of life any better. Okay, bye.