Gratitude Shaming Interview with Mix 106.5

Hi everybody, it's Bethany. How are you? I hope you're well in this crazy, crazy time. So I'm doing this little video series and I have a special guest with me. Hannah Rose is here, psychotherapist, and we're gonna talk today about gratitude shaming because this whole pandemic thing is wild and crazy and like no one's seen anything like it and I felt like we needed something nourishing to watch from the internet, so I was like, how about I just do something? Also, side note, Hannah, I'm channeling my inner Carole Baskin today.

Oh my god, hey all you cats and kittens! I was like, I think I have that shirt when she was on.

I was like, embarrassing or not? I don't know, you decide. So how are you?

I'm doing okay, I'm doing okay. This is definitely a big shift. I think a lot of us are experiencing different kinds of fatigue. I actually just learned today during an intensive trauma training that Zoom fatigue is a real thing that you're going to hear more and more people talking about in the field of mental health. So for me, it's seeing clients on my screen doing talk therapy every day, all day, and kind of discerning what my limit is and when I need to take a step back and do some self-care. But it also has to do with non-clinicians, you know, people that are not in the mental health field that are sitting in Zoom meetings for conference calls for work and even FaceTiming and Skyping friends and family. It's so different from a mental health perspective to be looking at someone on screen and not really being able to make eye contact and not being able to read their body language. And so we're all just adjusting, that's for sure.

It's like, it's a real deal. Um, okay, I got rid of it. Um, it's a real deal, and I've noticed like even in like a Zoom happy hour that nobody has anything to do, so there's no end. Yeah, so I gotta go, right?

I mean, even— I mean, something as simple as coming up with an excuse to get off the phone, uh, with like a family member is pretty limited right now. And so learning how to set boundaries without, you know, these excuses that we give, or, hey, I have to run to the store— I guess we can still do that if we're doing it in a safe way. But I think, you know, social distancing is really important, but connection is also incredibly important. And finding ways not just to connect with other people, which I think the focus has been on recently, but really grounding down and building a connection with ourselves. And that can go kind of like untapped into a lot of the time, and it's imperative more now than probably ever to really be establishing a strong relationship with oneself. And so taking time away from a screen and taking time away from just distractions. I was just telling Bethany, I downloaded Animal Crossing and I can't stop playing, and it's a wonderful break, but it's also not really me learning how to connect with myself.

I'm totally guilty of those distractions so that I don't have to focus on me. So we're going to talk about gratitude shaming today, and I love that because I have been scrolling through Pinterest and Instagram and just feeling like, oh my God, I did not do enough push-ups today. And by not enough, I mean none.

You and me both, Bethany. I swear, if someone else tags me in the "see 10 push-ups, do 10 push-ups" challenge, I'm just gonna cry, or I'm gonna film myself actively not doing push-ups. And here's why. I think right now there's a lot of well-meaning people, therapists, non-therapists, on specifically Instagram I'm seeing, who are posting tons of things about inspiration, and you know, I've seen a lot of very shaming inadvertently shaming posts like, if you're not becoming a better person and working out every day and learning a new language and picking up a hobby, then you lack discipline. Then what are you doing? And I'm like, whoa, if I'm sitting at home all day playing Animal Crossing, maybe that's enough, right? Because I need to work on cultivating self-compassion and meeting myself where I am. And there's this term that doesn't actually exist. I mean, I'm making it exist. But I started talking about this at some point last year. And I call it gratitude shaming because often in the wake of intense emotional pain, be it externally, circumstantially, or internally, we'll immediately do this thing and we'll do it to our loved ones where we'll say to ourselves or to other people, it could be worse. I should be grateful. And so I really started struggling with that when I first started working from home because, you know, that Zoom fatigue was very real. And I noticed myself with an internal narrative saying, Hannah, you should not feel stressed or anxious. You should just be grateful that you're self-employed and that your clients need you. You know, you should be grateful that financially right now you're in an OK spot. There's, you know, friends of mine who are servers, friends of mine across the board are getting fired. They're struggling with money. They're struggling with mixed messages from social media, politics, etc. And gratitude shaming actually doesn't help us to walk through uncertainty and fear. Gratitude shaming makes us take our experience, shove it down, and say, "This doesn't matter," and by proxy, on some unconscious level, "You don't matter." And so I'm not only not feeling my feelings and feeling my experience, which needs to happen in order to walk through it, but I'm now shaming myself for even having an experience. Because the reality is that— and Brené Brown, who, if no one has listened or read or watched her, go Google Brené Brown right now. She talks about comparative suffering and how just because the person next to me has it much worse objectively does not mean that my suffering is then minimized. So it's one thing to take perspective like, OK, oh, you know, I am going to cultivate some gratitude here. But it's another to say my experience doesn't matter because other people have it worse. And I'm finding that people are doing this across the board and saying, I shouldn't be so tired. I've been sitting around all day. I shouldn't be so moody or anxious. And the reality is this pandemic is a first time for all of us. And it's also consciously and subconsciously triggering a lot of different traumatic experiences, like feeling stuck, feeling powerless, losing your voice. And so there's just so many different variables at play, and I encourage everyone to start noticing that gratitude shaming narrative. The next time you say to yourself or anyone else, "Oh, you should be grateful, you shouldn't feel that way," stop shoulding on yourself. It doesn't make anything better. That's gratitude shaming.

I like that. You have 3 big tips to help us deal with gratitude shaming when it happens or when we do it to ourselves even, right?

Yes, so this is essentially like Mindfulness 101, and mindfulness and meditation is not about sitting cross-legged saying "ohm" and clearing your mind. Like, that's not a thing, especially if you've never done it before. I've been practicing meditation and mindfulness for years, and I can't sit down and clear my mind of thoughts. The practice is noticing without judgment. So the first big tip I have, and this really encourages us to step away from our screens, from our phones specifically, and just notice where we're at. That's it. Take a nonjudgmental inventory of how you're feeling right now, physically, emotionally, mentally.

Where am I?

OK. Notice the gratitude shaming when it comes up, because it's not really a matter of if, it's a matter of when. And so any kind of time we're trying to change a behavior, we need to first start by just noticing what's there. That's the first part. The second part is learning grounding techniques. So this is really helpful if you're struggling with, like almost all of us, feeling anxious or overwhelmed. And there's a lot of really great tips on grounding. And again, you can go to Google and type therapy grounding techniques, and there's a ton of them. The first, first, first thing is start to get in touch with your body. And so putting both your feet flat on the ground and feeling them on the ground, feeling your thigh muscles tense and just noticing, okay, This is my body. It sounds kind of silly, and it sounds like, well, what would that do? But often, when we're in a state of hyperactivity, anxiety, you know, feeling overwhelmed, we can't actually think and feel at the same time. Again, I just came out of this trauma training at, uh, online. And it's just like, all right there. But so our frontal lobe is not working the way that it does when we're in a state of, um, essentially the optimal arousal window, which is when it's like, I'm awake, I'm present, I'm aware, not freaking out, which is that hyper part, and I'm not frozen in my own dissociative, like, this is too much to handle, I'm just going to shut down, which is that hypoactivity. And so grounding, getting in touch with our bodies, even just noticing what does the temperature in here feel like right now, that's encouraging you to use your frontal lobe in a way where you're tapping into feeling and physicality. So first step, notice what's going on. Second step, start to get in touch with your body. And the third one is a little bit of a mouthful, but this is a really, really great tip. Label and name the experience. So I encourage people to use like code words all the time because they're a little more fun. So like if I'm really moody and I want to use the word mango, my boyfriend might walk downstairs and I'm just at 10%, like I am not doing too hot. And if he comes down and starts talking to me about something, I can say, I'm in a state of mango. Oh, okay, all right. I'm labeling it, which is going to take away a little bit of its power. I'm noticing it and I'm owning it so it stops owning me, because often we just run on autopilot, so our thoughts and emotions are going, going, going, and we're living in a state of reactivity. And if I can learn to slow down and respond rather than react, I'm really going to start to feel more empowered. And in the wake of acknowledging how powerless we are over these circumstances, we can find out what we do have power over, and that's that's how we're choosing to respond. I don't know about you, but the longer that I am scrolling mindlessly on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, the higher my anxiety and feelings of powerlessness are. And a lot of us, I think, are struggling with, well, how do I stay informed but also not overexpose myself to the news? So again, just notice, get in touch with your body. Like, again, sounds kind of simple, but like, do I need to eat something that's not another can of Chef Boyardee ravioli? Do I need— It's my life right now, you know? And if I see a post that says like, "You should come out of quarantine 10 pounds less," I'm just gonna lovingly unfollow that person, you know? I don't have to comment negativity. I don't need to be a troll, but just noticing, what am I exposing myself to right now? So those are the big things: noticing, grounding on a physical level. It's really helpful if you're feeling— if you're spinning out, another trick you can do, a nice like brain exercise, is just look around the room and think of a shape or a color and say, okay, what do I notice that's red? What do I notice that's red? And you're gonna start to really hone in on, like, I just found like 5 red things. Okay, what do I notice that's a square? What do I notice that's a square? And it's really helpful if we feel ourselves spinning out. It's just another way of grounding and saying, okay, I'm here now. And if all else fails, and I really should have started with this one, focus on the breath. It actually slows down our sympathetic nervous system when we start slowing our breath and taking deep breaths in Hold for 4 seconds, deep breath out, hold for 4 seconds, deep breath in. Again, and it's like, it can be very cyclical. It's like if you have a MacBook or a Juul, which I don't support, but I also understand, you'll notice that when they're charging, the lights kind of look like they're breathing, and that's very purposeful. And so we can sync up our breath, ideally not with like a MacBook charger, but you know what I mean. Remember to breathe. Right, 'cause when we're in that state of hyperactivity, hyper-awareness, we actually will start to have those short shallow breaths. Yeah, I keep saying the last thing, but the very last thing I'll say is what has been a saving grace for me, and I will show you, is I always encourage my clients, or I often do, to utilize journaling, to utilize like coloring, right? Amazon, Target, if you do go for any reason that's essential—

oh my god, that's so funny—

coloring books!

We were coloring earlier. This just goes to show where I was.

I think this This was 2 weeks ago, maybe 3. All of these. It looks like we have children now, but we don't. It's just me. So I'll throw on a show or listen to a podcast, something that I don't need to be watching, and I'll just start coloring these really, really, really detailed things. And what it does is it puts you in a state of flow where you're only focused on what you're in. And right now I think we all need a little flow, and it's really wonderful for the brain and we're getting the oxygen in and it's grounding because we're doing something both physically and mentally.

Oh, okay, that was great.

So many things to say.

I mean, there's a lot to go over and this is a really big thing.

This is a big thing.

So, so thank you for all the biggest thing.

Yeah, is being gentle with yourself no matter where you are, what you're doing, how lucky you are, how fortunate you are, or how much you're struggling. There's no right way to feel right now. I keep telling my clients, there's no pandemics in 2020 for dummies. Like, this doesn't exist. And so meeting yourself where you're at is the absolute biggest gift you can give yourself. I can't imagine what it's like at home with kids. I recently got a quarantine puppy, and that's a handful, but it's also helping me a lot.

Okay.

Just being gentle with yourself.

The kids are like a louder quarantine puppy.

You can't put your kid in a crate.

That is true.

Walk away. I mean, you can, but like, I don't encourage it. I also, I have on my YouTube channel, which I will put, I'll plug, there's so many videos because I just sit here at my, you know, kitchen counter and make videos, and the last 2 or 3 are about specifically dealing with anxiety and feeling overwhelmed during this coronavirus. You know, acknowledging your feelings. There's imposter syndrome, you know, gratitude shaming, and then there's a whole lot of videos about unhealthy relationships and how to shift into healthy relationships with yourself and others. So if anyone wants some free resources, all I do is make videos because I don't have a whole lot else going on.

I've watched a lot of them. I think they're great. Thank you for that. And, um, how, how would people find you the best way?

All right, so my website, you can always just go to Google and type in Hannah Rose LCPC. That's like— yeah, Hannah, H-A-N-N-A-H, and then Rose like the flower, not my middle name, it's my last name. So you can just type Hannah Rose LCPC and a whole lot of things should pop up. Again, I'm very active on the interwebs. My Instagram is @HannahRoseTherapy, so that's easy, and I always link to my videos. But basically my main website, it's Hannah eliserose.com. So that's H-A-N-N-A-H-E-L-I-S-E-R-O-S-E dot com. Just HannahEliserose.com. And there's a tab on there that says media, and there's a link to my blog on Psychology Today, which I'm very— I'm a big fan of. If anyone needs a therapist, go to PsychologyToday.com, type in your zip code. You can plug in your insurance, and there'll just be a list of therapists almost all of us are offering teletherapy, which is like this. But yeah, HannahRose.com, you hit media and then my YouTube channel will be right there along with my blog and a bunch of other stuff. Thank you for taking time out today for us. Thank you so much. I love Mix 106.5. I miss the Thursday. Is it Thursday?

Throwback Thursday, yeah. Yeah, I'm doing it.

Yeah. I got #TeamBethany trending and I will never forget it. I felt so proud of that moment. Sorry, Reagan.

Oh, it's okay. He'll be fine. He wins all the weeks.

He wins all the time.

Thank you so much.

Good luck.

Stay well.

You are so welcome. Thanks, Bethany.