How to Start Loving Yourself Now

Hi everyone and welcome to another episode of Hannah Talks About Things. I am gonna hope that this isn't super loud, but okay, so welcome to a Valentine's Day edition. Now Valentine's Day brings up a myriad of emotions for everyone. You can be totally neutral and be the kind of person that says, "Oh, this is just a Hallmark card holiday, it doesn't matter at all." You could be really into Valentine's Day and use it as a special a special day to show your significant other or family members or friends how much you love them. Maybe you're doing a Galentine's Day like Parks and Rec taught us how to do with your girlfriends. Um, and maybe you absolutely hate everything. You hate Valentine's Day, you hate everything it represents, you hate couples, you hate everything. And no matter where you are, this should be a helpful video to watch. And remember, all of your feelings are valid. Um, You don't have to be super into it. You don't have to be super against it. You don't have to be neutral. You can just be where you are and create space to feel whatever it is you're feeling. And if no one has told you recently, all of your feelings are valid. So this is an article that I wrote September 27th, 2019, and it's on psychologytoday.com, and it is called "How to Start Loving Yourself Now," with a subtitle, one of my favorite quotes of all time from The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky. We accept the love we think we deserve. So without further ado, Loving Yourself is an Inside Job. Far too often we trick ourselves into believing that when I have this, I'll feel better about myself. When they love me back, I'll love myself too. When I get the car, the job, the salary, the partner, the ideal weight, I'll love myself. But it doesn't work like that, and it never has, by the way. We may look back with euphoric recall, the tendency for our brain to play back positive memories instead of all of the painful ones, We can do this with events, experiences. We can do it— this is really pissing me off— we can do it with relationships where we look back on a relationship with nostalgia and we remember all of the good times and we just conveniently forget all of the times that we didn't feel so good. And so we can tell ourselves, you know, when I have that again or when I get this or when I'm in a relationship, I'll feel better. And the reality is that even if you're in the perfect relationship, which is not a thing by the way, unless we work on the core issues, the wounds, the things in us, the patterns that we continue to recreate— unless we work on those things and really heal, we're going to continue exhibiting the same exact patterns in all of our relationships, because it's not about the other person at all. Most of us know the line, 'You can't love anyone until you love yourself.' Well, I completely disagree with the statement. First of all, who says— like, where did that quote come from? I could just Google it, but I'm not going to. Always question your sources. Second of all, how many of you have struggled with self-love and yet felt such raw and unrequited love for another person? For parents reading this, ask yourself: are you unable to love your children when you feel as though you don't love yourself? Does your love for your kids dwindle as you get tied up in your own shame and low self-worth? I'm assuming the answer is no. You likely continue to love them unconditionally. So I've always heard that, right? Like I think Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City says, "Don't forget to fall in love with yourself first," which sounds nice, like it's a really cute quote, but like what does that even mean? And I've also heard people say in therapeutic settings and in treatment, you know, "You can't love anyone else until you love yourself," and like I don't know how true that is. Sometimes we can love people way too much when we don't love ourselves. We can love people in really unhealthy or toxic ways when we don't love ourselves. And the reality— well, I'm gonna actually just Read it. Uh, let's look at an individual with low self-worth, for example. He or she may love others strongly, too strongly perhaps, to the point where they put the other person on a pedestal and require their love and validation to feel okay about themselves. Raise your hand if you have ever felt that way. Hey, right, where we're getting that validation, where we're trying to fill that void internally with someone else's love, affection, um, compliments, etc. We can do this in non-romantic relationships too, like with family or with work, where if we're not receiving accolades or praise, we feel shittier about ourselves. How about the person who's sitting in shame and self-loathing right now but has an infinite amount of love for their parents, their siblings, their friends, their significant other, or even an ex, right? At my lowest moments, I have had such intense love for my friends who have really helped hold me up throughout those times. Just because I didn't love myself, it didn't mean I was unable to love them. That just wasn't my experience Maybe it's yours. Wasn't mine. We may be able to love others if we don't love ourselves, but we don't know how to love healthily. When I was in my 20s— I still am, by the way, but I'm nearing 30 now— I put so much of myself into my relationships. A part of me had always felt inherently flawed, that I was too much, too little, not enough, or excessively difficult. Um, if you watch these videos or read my articles or know me, you'll know that I have a lot of thoughts, I have a lot of feelings. For me, making videos is a really good outlet to not just process because I talk out loud, like I say my thoughts while I'm thinking them, but also for me to ideally talk about things that we don't talk about enough and hopefully help someone that's watching this. And in relationships, I used to shame myself for that. Like I'm too— I don't think I've ever said I'm too sensitive, but like I'm too emotional. And like me being able to be in touch with my emotions has enabled me to be a competent and effective therapist, I think. I hope. No. I feel that way. Me being able to articulate how I feel well helped me to become a better public speaker and to reach more people. And so the things that I shamed myself for are actually things that I really love about myself. But when I got into relationships with people who are not on my wavelength, not better or worse, but just didn't communicate on that same wavelength, instead of wondering, you know, maybe this relationship isn't working organically, or 'You know, maybe I need to be with someone that has the capacity to really dive into things while also coming up for air and having fun.' Instead of looking at it like that, I used to always internalize it as, 'I'm too much. Something must be wrong with me.' And it over time put out this fire in me, this fire and passion that I have for so many things. My brain equated as, 'You're too much. You need to tone it down so that you don't overwhelm a person.' Huh, like my heart hurts for my past self when I really believed that to be true. I told myself I was difficult to date because I think and feel things deeply, because I seek to dive below the surface to better conceptualize a person, situation, or life itself. I shamed myself for not being able to live on the surface 24/7, skimming the shallows and not needing to explore the deep end like so many people I know. And there's nothing wrong with that. Like, if you're fine not diving into core issues and like like, obviously not in a therapy way, but just I have a passion for connection. And so when I can't really connect with someone, that's not going to work out in a romantic relationship. And sometimes it's because they have things blocking them from that deep connection, and sometimes it's just a personality thing. And it's not about someone not being enough or too much, it's just about maybe this isn't an organic connection that's going to work and be sustainable. But I always internalized it as it's me, I'm too much. I'm too much, I'm not enough. I mean, a lot of us do this or have done this. I absolutely did not love myself. I did not have many reasons to. I was consistently lying, manipulating, and by no means cultivating self-esteem. I was seeking externally to fill internally. So this is like a long— a while ago, um, definitely before I got sober. Pro tip: to have self-esteem, start by doing esteemable things. Right. And so when I was in the throes of addiction, I wasn't doing esteemable things. I wasn't acting like a good person. I wasn't acting like I had integrity. I was in a constant state of cognitive dissonance where my values and integrity didn't align with my actions, which then made me think I was a failure. And then even initially getting sober, feeling like, um, I had to change myself to make things work. Actually, that lasted for years. Like, I need to change myself. To meet the needs of another person, not compromise or talk about it, but I need to be different because who I am as a baseline is inherently not enough or too much. That is so self-destructive. Ah, I did however love the people I dated. I personally don't believe in looking back at our past selves, right, like who I was in 2011, who I was in 2009, etc., and shaming them for not knowing enough or not feeling as intensely as we thought we were. So for example, a lot of times what we can do is look back on a former relationship of ours and shit talk it and say, oh, I thought I was in love but I wasn't, or, um, you know, I didn't know what I was doing, or I should have done this differently. And just like, to cultivate self-love in the present, I need to not shame myself in the present. If I really want self-love, and not in that kitschy like self-care, put a, put a face mask on and take a bath, like, chin up princess, you're a warrior, like, again, those quotes are fine, but like, what work are you doing? Or are you just posting a quote and saying this, you know, like, ah, I used to do that a lot and that's fine. But like, what? In any case, I don't believe in shaming my past self. Like, oh, that relationship wasn't real, or I didn't really know what love was. If at the time I felt like I was in love, then that's what was real for me. If in hindsight I view it differently, that's fine. But I don't believe in taking away those past experiences from myself because hindsight's 20/20. Like, I need to honor my emotional experience. At all stages, even if now I feel differently about it. So I don't believe in looking back at our past selves and shaming them for not knowing enough or not feeling as intensely as we thought we were. Everything I felt back then was real. Everything I feel now is real. I change, the lens through which I look at life changes, but the feelings stay as real as I believe them to be. Here's the kicker: I didn't love myself, and therefore I was unable to accept love. And that's why it's my favorite quote, right? Like, we accept the love we think we deserve. I can love other people when I don't love myself, but I can't accept love from others if at my core I don't believe I'm worthy of it. And so it's worth kind of digging deeper and exploring, well, what would make me worthy? Is there anything that would make me worthy, or is this a core belief that is so deeply rooted in me from past traumas or from what I've been told or from a lack of nurture, etc.? Brief recap: if we don't love ourselves, we can actually still love other people. If we don't love ourselves, we cannot accept love from others. I have quoted this over and over in my posts, but this will always be my favorite line: "We accept the love we think we deserve," from The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I can give love all I want, but I cannot accept it if at my core I don't believe I'm worthy of it. If I were to ask you if you love yourself right now in this very moment, how would you answer? Yes, sometimes, no, kind of, it's up and down, I can't really answer that, what does self-love even mean or look like? Second question: Do you believe you're worthy of love, affection, and belonging? Do you believe you're worthy of it? Have you ever asked yourself that? And if the answer is no, why? Why are you telling yourself you're not worthy of love, belonging, affection? I've mentioned it in past videos about deconstructing the barriers. So the issue is not finding someone that's gonna love you in a healthy way. The issue is deconstructing the barriers that are blocking you from accepting love, right? If I believe I'm a piece of shit, I'm not only gonna attract someone that treats me like a piece of shit, I'm gonna stay in that relationship because that's what I believe my worth is. That's the thing. If I know my worth today, like I know it, and it's not conceit or ego in an unhealthy way, it's healthy ego strength. If I know my worth today, I'm not going to stay in a relationship where I feel like I'm settling, where I'm accepting less than what I know that I deserve. Or if someone starts treating me like shit, I'm not going to stay. It has taken a lot to get to that place and a lot of trial and error. But one invaluable thing I've learned is that if I settle because I believe I'm not worthy of enough, it's going to come back to bite me in the ass. And even if that just looks like being unhappy or cheating, physically or emotionally cheating, you know, seeking that which I need from my partner elsewhere, that's going to happen if I continuously get in relationships where I feel like my bar is here, but I'm saying, well, I'll put it here because I don't know if I can actually do any better. Whew. For me, my self-worth used to be contingent on the fragile and ever-changing state of my relationships. I found worth in academic success, athletic accolades. I don't know why I put that because I was never even on varsity. Like, in high school I played lacrosse, uh, and I was always on JV. In any case, athletic accolades. And then I walked on to the Goucher College lacrosse team freshman year, and then I walked off because they had a dry season where you couldn't drink, and I was not about that. And most of all, the way people looked at me and felt about me. It was all rainbows and sunshine until I got rejected. I felt like a queen until I was broken up with or denied. Do you rely on validation in your relationships? I certainly used to. How can you give yourself validation, affection, love, attention, and belonging? Oh, I see what I did there. Okay, so I used to rely on those things from other people, and I still definitely do. I mean, let's be honest, just because I can talk about this and write about this and stay as authentic as possible as possible. There are still times where I feel like, oh God, like every time I post a video or an article or something, I'm like, ugh, but I walk through the discomfort anyway. And if someone comments something really negative, I feel the discomfort, acknowledge it, and keep walking through it and putting myself out in the arena because I believe in what I'm doing. Oh, I certainly used to rely on validation in my relationships. How can you give yourself Validation, affection, love, attention, and belonging. How can you provide some of that nurture that you so desperately want? I saw a great quote the other day and I posted it on my, um, the Hannah Rose LCPC Facebook, like the business Facebook account. Business. And it says, it's from this great Instagram account from this woman named Emily McDowell, and her Instagram tag is @emilyonlife. And I posted this the other day, and it said, how to start loving yourself. When you feel the urge to text an unreliable person in an effort to get validation or loving attention, do this instead: pick up your phone, open the Notes app, and type what you most need to hear— a text to yourself from yourself. So if you really want someone to say to you, like, what, I just— I desire you, I want you, Your love is so important to me. I'm sorry for all the times I bailed on you and ignored your needs. You didn't deserve it. I won't do it anymore. Your heart is beautiful. You are beautiful. Right? And I know to some that may sound really corny and like, why would you do that? But how often are you reaching out to someone for validation or attention that is emotionally unavailable or inconsistent? Or maybe they're married, right? Like figuring out what can you give yourself that you are so seeking from others. Oh, let's see. This has absolutely been the key to my finding and accepting love. It begins and ends internally. The relationships I have today are a wonderful byproduct of the relationship I continue to cultivate with myself, and I do it by prioritizing myself. I say no a lot more now. I practice healthy boundaries in all of my relationships to the best of my ability. I fall short on a daily basis and forgive myself often for being human. I refuse to allow my shame narratives that tell me I'm not good enough or too much. I refuse to allow my shame narratives. Yeah, I refuse to— okay, I wrote that wrong, but basically, when I have a shame thought like, goddammit, Hannah, what's wrong with you? Or you're a failure, you're not good enough. Like last year when I applied for a doctorate program in clinical psychology and I got rejected, and my first thought was like, you're a failure, and my second thought was No, you're not. You're not a failure. You just didn't get in. And that's okay. What? I journal. I don't do this anymore. Whoops. I journal on an almost daily basis and always include gratitude and affirmations. So I used to do that and it actually made a big difference. And now I will likely get back to that. I laugh at myself. I ask for help. I try to remain teachable every moment of every day. I find room for growth and fill it with self-love and compassion. I try my darndest to practice what I preach so as to not throw myself into that state of cognitive dissonance where I'm saying one thing and then living my life in a totally different way. How I am in these videos is how I am in real life. It's how I am in therapy sessions, probably with more boundaries. You know, it's how I am in all areas of my life. There's no, what mask am I going to put on here? And what role am I going to play here? It's just blanket authenticity, which is terrifying sometimes. Again, just because I can talk about it doesn't mean that it's always easy or graceful. It's messy. And I acknowledge the flaws, embrace them, lean into them, and write them all out on here. Because what I've learned above all else is that human beings connect via their imperfections, not the social media highlight reel of their life, which sends us into a state of an emotional and isolating abyss. When I compare my insides to other people's outsides and I'm scrolling through social media and I see people on foreign beaches and doing cool things with their perfect relationships and perfect bodies, I'm not taking into account what are they feeling, what's been going on with them. I'm also not taking into account how people might perceive me. I've been told, even though I try to stay as honest as possible in my writing and in my videos, that people are like, "Oh, I thought you were really intimidating." And I'm like, "Why?" Or like, "Oh, I thought you had it all together." And I'm like, "I don't know how often I can tell you, I do not have it all together, but you're still gonna take your own judgments, which are a projection of your own inadequacy, equacies and then assign meaning to me. Oh, she has it all together. I could never do that. Where is that coming from? Ah, give yourself the gift of self-love. You cannot accept anyone else's love if you don't believe you're worthy of it anyway. Stop seeking outside of yourself for anything to fill the gaping void inside of you that only you can fill. You are worthy. If you're still reading this or watching this very spontaneously written piece, that means that you're still seeking some answers. 'Never forget though that everything you are looking for is inside of you already. Your job is to find out what's blocking you from tapping into that internal light and love and smash it with a fucking hammer.' It doesn't say that in there, but— 'Because today I love myself fully and completely, and I invite you to give yourself the chance to feel the same way about yourself. It's really quite nice.' Oh, this is a long video. It's almost 20 minutes. If you're still watching, um, Happy Valentine's Day, and let that mean whatever it means to you. Okay, bye.