How to Stop Comparing Yourself

Hi everyone and welcome to another episode of Hannah Talks About Things. Today I'm going to read an article about comparison and why, like the quote says, comparison is the thief of joy, and why we need to actively stop comparing ourselves to everybody else. So without further ado, this is "Why You Should Stop Comparing Yourself to Everybody Else," an article that I wrote for Psychology Today that was published on September 4th, 2019. If comparison is the thief of joy, who is the one orchestrating the theft? How many times a day do we compare our insides to somebody else's outsides? And what that means is like when we're scrolling through social media, even watching this video, you may see this image that I'm projecting to the world. Although I try not to skew my authenticity, and when I'm struggling or when I'm in pain, I share that very openly. But basically, we may see the image that somebody compares or that somebody kind of sheds and shares to the world. I'm really sick right now. I have tonsillitis and a cold. So in terms of coming up with the right words, it's just not coming so easily. But in any case, so we'll be scrolling through social media, or we will be looking at people from the outside, right? And we will be comparing how we feel inside— imposter syndrome, not good enough, inadequacy, etc.— with what they look like on the outside. I've often heard people say things like, yeah, they just have it all together. You know, they don't struggle with inadequacy or they're, you know, they're just so confident. And I'm like, but how do you know that? If we kind of build our lives as human beings wearing masks and essentially pretending we're fine when we're not, how do you truly know how someone feels on the insides? And so we do this thing where we compare our insides to other people's outsides. Whether I was with my friends in a work environment, with my family, or in public surrounded by strangers, I used to almost always be comparing myself to others around me. And a lot of times we can use that as a barometer to see how we're doing. Like, I don't know if I'm doing well or not unless I compare myself to my colleagues or to friends, et cetera. And it's really misleading and can lead us to feel isolated, insecure, and inadequate. If I saw someone who looked successful, I would automatically assume that they have it all together and that they don't ever struggle with the same basic human tendencies that I can fall prey to. I didn't know at the time that success is relative. One can have money and no self-love, tons of self-love and no career, and every other pairing that that is. And so a lot of times when people say things like, "I just want to be successful," I'll often ask them, "Well, what's your definition of success?" Because for me, at this point in my life, success does not mean, um, what it used to mean. I used to think if I had the job and I had the car and I had the relationship, then that would mean I'm successful. Over time, you know, I got a lot of those things, but I still felt inadequate, or I still felt like an imposter. Even now, sometimes when I make these videos, I feel insecure and doubtful, and, um, there's just a lot of different emotional internal things that can come up. And so now the way that I view success is, yeah, I mean, to be financially secure is important for sure, but ultimately, does that person have a secure relationship with themselves? I posted a poll on Instagram not that long ago, as I often do, to kind of just check in with people, um, really for you all, not so that I kind of get an inside look at what's going on in your head, but really so you can have that check-in. You know, today, if I pause, what's my relationship like with myself? Do I feel comfortable in my own skin, in my own body? You know, do I feel like I have purpose? Do I feel like I'm working towards something, or am I sitting aimlessly on Instagram scrolling through people's stories and feeds, comparing myself to everyone else and not actively doing anything about it? And, um, the results were really interesting. More people— more often than not, most people do not have a secure relationship with themselves. And to me, I think that's the most important thing, because you can have all of those external things and feel like absolute shit about yourself. And to me, that's not success. That's living a double life. I used to compare my relationships to everyone else's, wondering if they were happier than we were. I used to wonder if they experienced fear, doubt, Okay, I don't know how to edit videos and my iPhone storage was full, so I have to kind of— hopefully I'll just be able to edit this. Okay, so, um, I used to compare my relationship to everyone else's, wondering if they were happier than we were. I used to wonder if they experienced fear, doubt, or pain in their relationships. I would see reels of social media highlights and wonder how those couples looked so good. I seldom thought about what might be going on behind closed doors. I compared my level of education, area of study, and career accomplishments. I looked at my blog and I told myself I haven't written a book yet, so I really haven't done anything. I used to get in my car in the morning and wonder how people work for themselves or start their own business and get to make their own schedules. Update: since I first wrote this article, I'm about to embark on the journey of self-employment with my private practice. I'm full-time self-employed and I have been since, um, I guess November now. And it's wild because like getting to that point in my life, it didn't fix whatever was going on internally, you know? Like, uh, successfully transitioning into self-employment didn't make me feel better about myself. That's an inside job. And whether or not I have those outside things to validate how I feel, I'm still going to feel like absolute shit about myself unless I look at what's blocking me from a secure relationship and attachment with myself. So that's interesting. All of these comparisons would ultimately eclipse the gratitude and self-efficacy I had for who I was. But what didn't I see? And self-efficacy, I always think of Thomas the Tank Engine. Is that what Thomas the Engine, Thomas the Truck, whatever Thomas. And it's, you know, like, I think I can, I think I can. And that's what self-efficacy is. It's essentially the belief that you can. I didn't see the massive amount of work and fear that goes into success. Whatever that looks like, whatever that means to a person. I didn't see the fear, self-doubt, and small failures along the way. I didn't see the tears and the sweat and the number of hours that someone put into their journey. I didn't see the sacrifices they may have had to make to get to where they are today. I also don't see the insecurity, right? If someone posts a picture of themselves in at the gym or in a bikini and they say like, hard work, they're showing you something they're proud of. What you may not be seeing is the fact that they feel like absolute shit about their bodies. And so they're posting that picture to get some kind of external validation. Because they feel so disconnected from their body and they don't feel good enough, right? That's not always the case, but that happens a lot. To me, success has to begin internally. I once heard a yoga teacher say at the end of a rigorous class, while laying breathless and corpse-like on my mat in shavasana, gratitude is not a byproduct of happiness. Happiness is a byproduct of gratitude. I'm going to repeat that because I think that's really important. Gratitude is not a byproduct of happiness. So that fulfillment trap of When I have kids, I'll be happy. When I get engaged, when I get married, when I have a boyfriend, a girlfriend, when I get the job I want, when I get paid a certain amount, when I get the car, I just leased a car. It's wonderful. I love it. I definitely fixated on it for a couple of weeks beforehand. The novelty has worn off. The car does not make me a happier person, right? The fulfillment trap of when I get this, I'll feel this is all an illusion. It's smoke and mirrors. And so gratitude is not a byproduct of happiness. True happiness is a byproduct of gratitude. Now, I don't believe in just faking gratitude, you know, acting as if. I believe that gratitude, you know, if you're not actually grateful, don't pretend to be grateful. Just say that and own that and be authentic. But a lot of times when I stop and look at the things that I do have as opposed to comparing myself to people that have more or whatever, that's where true happiness can come, is really reveling in the here and now instead of when I have this, when I have this. Because I promise you that fulfillment trap is a real thing. And it's a trap because no matter what things you get, no matter where you are in life, it won't make you happier. And some of you have probably experienced that where it's when this happens, when this happens. And then I can only imagine being a certain age and looking back at your life and realizing that so many years have been spent thinking about that next thing. And we rob ourselves of the present moment constantly. Ooh. Happiness is a byproduct of gratitude. I need to spend less of my life convincing myself that once I complete this or that, I'm gonna feel more whole. I need to let go of the notion that other people were better or worse than me. And in the words of Ram Dass, we're all just walking each other home, which I really love, cuz it can kind of really rekindle this feeling or kindle this feeling of compassion and empathy instead of this competitive individualistic thing that we do. So what does comparing do for us? Comparing ourselves, belittling our worth, or minimizing our strengths can validate our core irrational beliefs that ultimately we are not good enough, we are unworthy, or we are not reaching our peak potential. If I believe I'm not good enough, I'm going to inadvertently seek out evidence that validates that core belief. What would it look like for us to each take— to take each other off of pedestals? To stop assuming that everyone else is better or worse than us and recognize that we are simply all on the same journey, as corny as it sounds. To acknowledge that we are both all the same and all unique at the exact same time. To do this, try bringing a level of mindfulness to your internal narrative. What areas of your life are you comparing yourself to others the most? Most commonly it's career and physical image, right? But if when you think about your life, what specific areas are you comparing yourself to others most? Think about it, write it down if you have the time, pause this. Um, what is lacking in your own life that you would like to expand? What would it be like for you to stop putting other people on pedestals and instead let them come crashing down to the beautiful mess that is the human experience? Instead of, "Wow, I wish I could do that, they have it all together." It's kind of fucked up, honestly, but whenever I see someone that looks like they have it all together, I always ask myself, and this may be kind of harsh, like, "I wonder if they're happy?" You know? Like, I wonder if they're really happy, I wonder if they've done this kind of work on themselves or if they're just overcompensating by trying to look a certain way to the world and then feeling more and more alone. 'Cause that sucks. I've been there. For me, I think there's a level of security and safety in believing that there are people who have it all together. It scares me to think that most of us have no idea what we're doing and simply doing the best we can with what we have. It's terrifying sometimes to imagine that no one has all the answers and that it is ultimately up to me to make my own path. Even though it doesn't feed my ego to put myself down, there is a part of me that can still cling to the self-destructive tendency of believing I'm not as good as someone else. I will continue to pour fuel on this unworthy fire if I continue to compare myself to others. So what does comparing do for you? It's obviously serving something in you, or else you wouldn't be doing it. That's how the human brain works. Is it feeding a maladjusted belief that you aren't worthy? Instead of looking up and out, try looking in. You are enough. The reality is that there is nothing outside of you that can fill the internal void inside of you, right? Okay, this video continues to cut out, but hopefully it's working. There is nothing outside of you that can fill that internal void within you. Believe me, I've tried. Relationships, money, careers, approval from others, and so on. Even the car. None of it works. True self-love begins and ends internally. The gifts we receive in our lives or the gifts that we work tirelessly for are wonderful byproducts of the work we do internally, but stop seeking externally. Stop comparing yourself to others. I understand that that's so much easier said than done, but try to catch yourself doing it. Try to notice when you do it and lovingly, compassionately pause and say, mm, I'm doing that thing again. And then stop. If I've learned anything as a therapist, it's this: everybody has their secrets. Everybody has their pain, their shame, their insecurity. Everybody has their shit. Everyone, no matter how successful they appear to the world, everybody compares themselves to others on some level, some more than others, but we all do it. It is the human condition and it doesn't have to keep being this way if we just become more intentional, loving, nonjudgmental, and compassionate internally. Be mindful of your narrative, acknowledge your strengths, forgive yourself daily for being human, and just start walking each other home. Thanks, have a great day!